Lecture Circuit (1)

Michael:Heavy breathing into microphone like a creep

Michael:This is your captain speaking. We're cruising at an altitude of... *looks out window* ...three floors above ground level. On your left, you'll see the parking lot. On your right, the parking lot. Directly below us, more parking lot. We're experiencing some turbulence in accounting, but it should pass once someone finds Karen's stapler.

Michael:It's like A Christmas Carol, you know? Scrooge McDuck—

Jim:Scrooge McDuck is a duck.

Michael:I know that, Jim. But the point is, he doesn't believe in Christmas, and then these ghosts come and show him the error of his ways. And that's what I need to do with you guys about sales.

Michael:Hey everyone, I just got back from my colonoscopy and let me tell you, it was not pleasant. Dr. Scholls really went to town in there.

Michael:I'm talking industrial-grade equipment. The man found polyps I didn't even know I had!

Michael:Attention students and faculty. This is Principal Anderson with an important announcement. It has come to my attention that one of our staff members has a serious problem. A bedwetting problem. That staff member is Toby Flenderson from Human Resources.

Michael:Toby has been wetting the bed since he was a small child, and he continues to do so to this day. In fact, just last night, Toby wet the bed so badly that his sheets had to be hosed down in the backyard like a crime scene.

Michael:Toby, if you're listening, there's no shame in this. Millions of adults wet the bed. But millions of adults also don't work in Human Resources, which is what makes you special.

Michael:Ladies and gentlemen, from Scranton, Pennsylvania, standing at 6'3", weighing 185 pounds, Jim Halpert!

Jim:Actually, I'm not 6'3". I'm more like 6'1".

Michael:Well, you look taller on TV.

Jim:I'm not even going to say anything.

Michael:Off like a herd of turtles.

Other character:Turtles? That's the slowest possible animal.

Michael:Exactly. I'm slow to leave.

Michael:I have something to tell you all. Something serious. I eloped.

Michael:Actually, that's not true. I robbed a bank.

Michael:No, no, I'm just kidding. The real reason is... I accidentally bought a timeshare in Sandals Jamaica and I panicked.

Michael:You know what? Our sales strategy is like KFC's secret recipe. Nobody knows what we're doing, and frankly, we're just winging it. But somehow it still works... kind of. We're just throwing everything at the wall and seeing what sticks. That's the batter, people. That's the secret batter.

Michael:I'm bringing my snowboard, skis, and ice skates.

Pam:Michael, it's a business trip to Phoenix in July.

Michael:Exactly. I need to be prepared for any situation. What if there's a freak blizzard? What if the hotel has an ice rink in the lobby? You never know.

Pam:There won't be a blizzard in Phoenix in July.

Michael:That's what they said about the Titanic, Pam.

Michael:You know what they call a really attractive roadie? A hot roadie. And Pam, you're like the hot roadie of the office.

Pam:That's not a compliment, Michael.

Michael:What? It's a great compliment. You're saying I'm attractive and I tour with a band.

Pam:I'm bringing home money now.

Michael:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ladies don't 'bring home money.' Ladies 'bring home groceries and a nice attitude.'

Michael:You know, Pam, I think you need to dress a little more... professionally. Like a magician's assistant. They always look so sharp, so put-together. Maybe some sequins, a little more leg. That's what I'm talking about.

Dwight:Good morning, Kelly.

Kelly:Screw you, Dwight.

Dwight:I object.

Kelly:Screw you.

Dwight:Party planning? This is a humiliation. A beet farmer does not plan parties. I plan crop rotations, sales strategies, and contingencies for regional manager succession.

Dwight:I will not be made a fool of. I demand to be reassigned immediately or I will have no choice but to report this to corporate as a hostile work environment.

Dwight:Do you understand what you're asking me to do? This is psychological warfare.

Kelly:Everyone forgot my birthday. I guess I'm not as important as I thought I was. But that's okay, because I'm still the hot, popular girl in this office.

Pam:Can we listen to the radio during the drive?

Michael:No. No, we can't. I have a very specific playlist prepared. I spent three hours organizing it by mood and tempo.

Pam:It's just the radio, Michael.

Michael:An iPod is a dangerous device, Pam. One wrong song and the whole trip is ruined. I'm not taking that chance.

Michael:Karen is the other woman.

Pam:Actually, I was the other woman.

Pam:What if everyone hates me? Like, what if Karen hates me?

Jim:Pam, Karen doesn't hate you.

Pam:But what if she does? What if everyone at the office hates me? What if it spreads? What if their families hate me? What if it goes international?

Jim:Where are you going with this?

Pam:What if al-Qaeda hates me?

Jim:Pam, al-Qaeda hates everyone.

Pam:Oh thank God.

Andy:I've been with so many beautiful women. I mean, I could have any woman I want.

Dwight:That's not true. You've never been with a beautiful woman. You've been with mediocre women who felt sorry for you.

Andy:That's... that's not fair.

Andy:I'm not competing against other guys. My main opponent is existential dread.

Kelly:You guys forgot my birthday? Seriously? I can't believe this.

Dwight:Kelly, we didn't forget. We just didn't think it was that important.

Kelly:Not important? You know what, Dwight? Screw you! You... you beet farmer!

Jim:Did you just call him a beet farmer as an insult?

Dwight:See? This is exactly what I was talking about. She can't even insult me properly.

Kelly:Oh, so now I'm bad at insulting people too?

Kelly:You guys, my birthday is tomorrow and nobody has done anything for me.

Jim:Kelly, we have the whole day planned. It's going to be great.

Kelly:No you don't. You've all forgotten about me. I'm invisible. I might as well not even exist. Do you know what that's like? To be completely ignored by the people you work with?

Jim:We really do have something planned.

Kelly:Whatever. I'm just going to sit at my desk and cry. Alone. Like I always do.

Michael:Pam, if you see Karen in the office, just remember: you're a strong, independent woman. Walk right up to her, look her dead in the eye, and tell her exactly what you think about her stealing your boyfriend.

Pam:Michael, that's terrible advice.

Michael:No, no, it's good advice. I read it in a book. Well, I read the back of a book. In a waiting room. But the point is, you gotta stand up for yourself, Pam. Show her who's boss.

Michael:Wow, Karen, you're looking... really full.

Karen:I'm pregnant, Michael.

Michael:I know, I know. I'm just saying you're carrying it really... out there. Like, all in front. Very impressive.

Karen:That's how pregnancy works.

Michael:Right, right. You're glowing though. That's the one good thing. Very fertile-looking.

Karen:Oh my God, I'm going to HR.

Michael:So how long have you two been... you know?

Karen:Michael, that's really not appropriate.

Michael:I'm just saying, was it before or after the Dundies? Because I have a pretty good memory of Jim's face that night.

Karen:We're not discussing this.

Michael:Wait, was it the night of the fire drill? Or... oh! Was it in the break room?

Karen:Michael!

Jim:These decorations are terrible. Who thought orange and brown balloons were festive?

Dwight:Those colors are practical. Orange is visible, brown doesn't show dirt. Balloons should serve a function.

Jim:Dwight, balloons serve one function: to make things look fun.

Dwight:Nonsense. I chose these specifically because they won't distract from productivity. Plus, brown balloons are 40% cheaper.

Dwight:ATTENTION: Today is Jim Halpert's birthday. As Assistant Regional Manager, I have prepared the following memo: All employees are required to acknowledge said birthday with a card signature and minimum one verbal acknowledgment. Cake will be consumed at precisely 3 PM. Failure to comply will result in disciplinary action.

Jim:Dwight, it's just a birthday.

Dwight:Just a birthday? Jim, birthdays are the most important days in the fiscal year. They boost morale by 0.003 percent.

Dwight:You know what? I have the emotional resilience of a Schrute beet. They're hardy, resilient plants that can withstand any climate. It's science. My emotions are like the surface of Mars — barren, desolate, and completely normal mars.

Andy:Okay, so I'm just gonna sit here in my car and wait for her to come out, and then I can see what kind of music she likes based on what station she listens to.

Andy:This is totally normal and not creepy at all.

Andy:Okay, here she comes... oh no, oh no, no, no, no...

Andy:Why is my car alarm going off?!

Michael:I need to tell you all something. My father passed away last night.

Michael:Just kidding. But that's what it's gonna feel like when I tell you that our sales are down 20% this quarter.

Michael:So when you're breastfeeding, do the boobs like, switch? Or is it just one boob?

Karen:You... you alternate. Michael, every woman knows this.

Michael:I would never lie to you guys. I'm a man of my word. Look, I even have a bowl of M&Ms right here that I'm sharing with everyone. If I was a liar, would I share my candy?

Michael:I pledge allegiance to the flag... of the United States of America.

Michael:E-I-E-I-O!

Michael:And to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible, with liberty and justice for all. MOOOOO!

Michael:I have a system for remembering names. For example, there's this girl in accounting, her name is Erin, and I remember it because she's Irish. So I think of her as Erin the Irish girl.

Michael:Then there's Stanley. I remember Stanley because he's... well, he's a big guy. So I think of him as Stanley the big guy.

Michael:And Kevin, I remember Kevin because he's... he's large. So Kevin the large guy.

Michael:Oscar, Oscar is... he's small and Hispanic. So Oscar the small Hispanic guy.

Michael:It's foolproof. I have not forgotten a single name.

Michael:Okay, I have a system. Black coworkers' names, I just memorize them the regular way. But for the hard ones, the weird names, I make up rhymes. Like, there's a lady in accounting, her name is Aisha. I call her 'A-EEEE-sha.' Works every time.

Jim:That's... that's not a rhyme, Michael.

Michael:Okay, okay, look. The point is it works. Is it a little offensive? Maybe. But is it effective? Also maybe.

Michael:Okay, so Karen is pregnant... no wait, that's not... Alright, so I need to remember Karen. K. Knocked up. Karen is knocked up in my mind. That way I'll never forget her.

Michael:Stanley, I just want you to know that I'm here for you during this difficult time. Your health is important to me.

Michael:Did you know that the average person consumes about 142 pounds of sugar per year? That's like eating 284 candy bars! But with artificial sweeteners, you can cut that in half. Speaking of which, did you know that one packet of Sweet'N Low contains only 0.02 grams of saccharin? That's basically nothing!

Michael:♪ Artiii-ficial sweetener, not real sugar in my cup, artiii-ficial sweetener, one packet is enough! ♪

Stanley:This coffee tastes like a tire fire mixed with artificial sweetener.

Michael:Well, Stanley, I was trying to make it a metaphor. You know, life is like coffee - bitter at first, but then you add a little sweetness...

Stanley:Michael, just make the coffee.

Michael:Okay, but hear me out - I'm going to make it a song. It'll have a verse, a chorus, a bridge...

Stanley:No.

Michael:And THEN we add the coffee.

Michael:Stanley, we're friends. Real friends.

Stanley:We are not friends, Michael.

Michael:Yes, we are. I know everything about you.

Stanley:You don't know anything about me.

Michael:I know you love Pam.

Stanley:I... what? No, I don't.

Michael:Come on, Stanley. It's okay to have feelings.

Stanley:Fine. Fine! Yes, okay? Pam is... she's wonderful. She's kind and she's beautiful and she makes me want to be a better man. Are you happy now?

Michael:This chainsaw represents the cutting edge of our sales strategy.

Karen:Michael, that's an actual chainsaw.

Michael:I know what I'm doing. Metaphors are more powerful when they're real.

Karen:You're going to hurt yourself.

Michael:That's what separates good managers from great ones—willingness to take risks.

Michael:So Karen's pregnant? That's great! Who's the father?

Michael:Is it the guy who knocked her up? The baby daddy? The sperm donor? Oh! The love muscle!

Pam:Hey Karen, how are you doing?

Karen:Oh, pretty good. You?

Michael:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Did you two just exchange pleasantries? That's the kind of chemistry I've been trying to build with my clients for years. You two should teach a seminar. 'How to Be Friends: A Masterclass.' I would pay money to attend that.

Andy:So, successful woman like you must have some guy trouble, huh?

Julia:Actually, I'm a lesbian.

Andy:Oh! Well, then... some girl trouble?

Julia:What's your nickname?

Andy:The Nard Dog.

Julia:The Nard Dog?

Andy:Yeah.

Julia:Why?

Andy:Because I'm a little hard to get.

Julia:Oh my God.

Andy:Wait, wait, wait. Let me show you something.

Andy:I want to apologize for my behavior. I was inappropriate and unprofessional.

Andy:But I want you to know that you handled it with such grace and intelligence. Truly, you're one of the most attractive people I've ever seen apologize to.

Andy:Hey, so I was thinking we could grab lunch sometime, you know, just to chat and get to know each other better outside of work?

Erin:Andy, we literally eat lunch together every day.

Andy:I know, but like, a real lunch. Where we actually talk about stuff.

Erin:We do talk about stuff.

Andy:Yeah, but not like... friendship stuff. I feel like we have a real connection, and I think we should explore that.

Erin:Andy, I'm dating Pete.

Andy:I know, and that's great, but friendship transcends that. We could be best friends.

Andy:I'm gonna level with you. I'm not just a salesman. I'm a lover, a fighter, a singer.

Andy:I once sang karaoke for six hours straight.

Client:That's... great?

Andy:And I'm not afraid to cry in front of clients.

Andy:I've done it many times.

Erin:Andy, your 2 PM is here.

Andy:Tell them I'm in the zone.

Dwight:You've been fired from your last four sales positions.

Andy:Those were misunderstandings.

Jim:How can you tell who's calling if you don't have caller ID?

Dwight:Mose doesn't understand phones. He thinks the sound comes from inside the receiver.

Jim:Kelly, I need your exact age for the birthday candles.

Dwight:She's 23.

Jim:Dwight, no one asked you.

Dwight:I'm her supervisor. I know these things. Actually, she's 19.

Jim:You just said 23.

Dwight:I was testing you. The real answer is 31.

Jim:Okay, I'm just gonna ask Kelly.

Dwight:Kelly was in juvenile detention.

Jim:Wow, really?

Dwight:It says here she was arrested for shoplifting at the Limited.

Jim:That explains so much.

Michael:My relationship with Holly is way better than Jim and Pam's. We have a real connection. We just... we get each other, you know? In a way that Jim and Pam never will.

Michael:I mean, sure, they're cute together, but Holly and I... we're soulmates. We've been through so much. And she understands me in a way that no one else ever has.

Pam:We could just leave early today. Tell everyone we had to go do something important.

Michael:Yes! Absolutely. I need to get a haircut anyway.