Lecture Circuit (1)

Michael:Michael discovers the PA function and immediately uses it to do a captain-of-an-airplane bit: 'This is your captain speaking. The office will be flying at an altitude of two stories.'

Michael:'Look out your left-hand window and you will see Vance Refrigeration.'

Michael:'I am the ghost of salesmen past.'

Unknown Office Worker:An unseen office worker shouts 'Do not come near me!' in response to Michael's PA announcements.

Michael:Mid-doctor's call, Michael is overheard saying 'I have not been squeezing it. Could I stick it with a pin?'

Michael:Michael interrupts his doctor call with the PA to harass Toby: 'Toby Flenderson to the principal's office. Your mother called. And it appears that you wet the bed again.'

Michael:Michael introduces Jim over the PA like a basketball player: 'And at 6'6" from the University of North Carolina, Jim Halpert!'

Jim · Michael:Jim plays along with a fake 'I dropped something' bit to avoid reacting to Michael's introduction, then trails off into a drive-thru order ('Would you like fries with that? Please drive around.')

Michael:'And we're off! Like a herd of turtles.'

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'Well, Pam and I have eloped. Actually, we just robbed a bank and we are on the lam.'

Michael:'My 11 business herbs and spices in a sales batter.'

Pam · Michael:Pam's talking head: 'He brought a sled.' Michael corrects: 'No! That is a toboggan. You never know when you're gonna find a snowy hill.'

Michael:'Every magician has a hot assistant, and every rock star has a roadie, and Pam is my hot roadie.'

Pam:Pam's talking head about the time-and-a-half pay: 'I especially love the time-and-a-half pay, 24 hours a day, for three days. 'Cause I have a mortgage now. Gotta bring home the bucks.'

Michael · Pam:Michael tells Pam not to say 'bucks': 'Yeah -- Oh, don't say "bucks." That's not ladylike.'

Michael · Pam:Michael explains that he and Pam will be staying in hotels at night — 'Separate rooms.' Pam: 'Well, that goes without saying.' Michael: 'I'm gonna say it anyway.'

Michael · Pam:Michael suggests Pam dress more like a magician's assistant — 'Maybe you could tie it around your waist or lose the shirt underneath.' Pam: 'No.'

Jim · Kelly:Kelly greets Jim with: 'Hey, Kelly.' Kelly: 'Screw you.'

Jim · Kelly:Jim, affronted: 'Uh, excuse me. That is no way to address a superior.' Kelly: 'Oh, yeah? Screw you, too.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim's talking head: 'What was that all about?' Cut to: 'You forgot her birthday. It was yesterday.'

Jim · Dwight:The Jim/Dwight talking head about the party planning committee where they keep interrupting each other: 'Just — Easy.' / 'There was a problem with having one head of the party-planning committee. She becomes too powerful.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim and Dwight simultaneously dismiss the committee assignment: Jim — 'I am a paper salesman.' Dwight — 'Party-planning is literally the stupidest thing I've ever done in my life. This is humiliating.'

Kelly:Kelly's talking head: 'My birthday was yesterday and everybody forgot. I got really dressed up and excited, and no one said a word... I think sometimes people are really mean to the hot, popular girl.'

Michael · Pam:Michael: 'I need silence or Sam Kinison to prepare.' Pam: 'But then you fall asleep and there's nothing for me to do.'

Pam:Michael suggests talking, Pam says she's fine: 'I'll just play a song in my head.'

Michael · Pam:Pam asks Michael if he's nervous about seeing Karen, 'since she was the other woman.' Michael: 'Actually, you were the other woman, so.'

Pam:Pam's talking head: 'I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that Al-Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn't hate me. But Karen knows me and she still hates me, so.'

Michael · Karen:Michael walks into the Utica branch: 'Oh, this is a nice office.' Karen, dryly: 'You don't have to lie.'

Jim · Andy:Andy sees an attractive woman at Utica: 'She's out of your league, Andy.' Andy: 'For your information, I have been with lots of beautiful women.' Jim: 'Sexually?'

Andy:Andy's talking head: 'What we have here is the ultimate smackdown between the Nard-Dog and crippling despair, loneliness, and depression. I intend to win.'

Kelly · Jim · Dwight:Kelly's birthday confrontation: 'Screw you guys. You're dead to me.' Jim: 'If you say screw you one more time—' Kelly: 'Yeah, screw you, beefer.'

Kelly:Kelly's birthday speech: 'I guess my only wish would be that nothing so terrible would ever happen to anyone else ever again... In a way, it's good that it happened to me because at least I can bear it.'

Michael · Pam:Michael introduces Pam to Rolando: 'Maybe you guys could go out on a little friend date sometime.'

Michael · Pam:Michael tells Pam to picture Karen naked: 'Don't be nervous. Just picture her naked. That's what I do.' Pam: 'Stop it, please.' Michael: 'Steal my trick.'

Michael · Karen · Pam:Karen walks in visibly pregnant. Michael: 'Oh my god. Is that Jim's?' Everyone: 'Michael!' Michael: 'Okay... my head just exploded.'

Michael · Karen:Michael: 'Wow, you're huge! That's incredible! I'm just trying to figure out the last time you and Jim had sex and—'

Karen · Michael:Karen: 'Let's just get this over with, shall we?' Michael, counting: 'Ten. Ten months?'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight reviewing Kelly's birthday party supplies: 'This fits in the palm of my hand' (holding a tiny balloon). Jim: 'You haven't blown them up enough.' Dwight: 'Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons? They match the carpet.'

Dwight:Jim tells Dwight the decorations look bad. Dwight: 'Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight: 'Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim reveals Dwight has only collected $6 for Kelly's birthday gift. Dwight: 'I was working on it.' Jim: 'That's how much you and I contributed! Damn it, Jim!' Dwight: 'I said I was working on it.'

Andy:Andy trying to learn about Julia's music taste by looking at her CDs: 'Trying to see what CDs she's got. It's good to know the deets about the girl you're wooing.'

Andy:Andy looks at Julia's CD collection and reacts: 'Feist. Yes!' Then immediately: 'No! Oh my god. Oh no. That is so awful. That is the worst news.'

Michael · Karen:Michael pretends his phone is a cell phone to fake receiving tragic news: 'I have to do a presentation. I'll talk to you — This is going to be hard for me to speak today because I just learned that my father has died.' Karen: 'No, he didn't! He is alive. And this isn't even a cell phone. This is a calculator.'

Michael:Michael's defense of the calculator fake-out: 'Would a liar bring mini Mounds bars?'

Michael:Michael: 'I learned the pledge of allegiance by setting it to the tune of Old MacDonald.' He then demonstrates, singing the pledge to Old MacDonald's tune, culminating in '...with a woof-woof here and a woof-woof there...'

Michael · Mark (Utica employee):Michael walks through his 'Baldy' mnemonic step by step: 'Baldy. Your head is bald. It is hairless. It is shiny. It is reflective. Like a mirror. "M." Your name is Mark.' Mark confirms, and Michael says 'Got it. It works.' Mark: 'It's very insulting.' Michael: 'But it works.'

Michael · Utica Staff:Michael asks a Utica colleague if he can suggest the mnemonic device to the whole room. Staff member says 'We already know each other's names.' Michael: 'Well then it will be easier for you.'

Michael:Karen cuts the presentation short. Michael, as she's ushering him out: 'She is pregnant. She is knocked up. "K." Karen.'

Andy · Stanley:Andy sings about the Splenda: counting them to a made-up tune, then revealing he only put two in: 'I actually only put in two. But that's not how the song goes.'

Andy · Stanley:Stanley's double: 'Are you out of your damn mind?' Andy echoes: 'Are you out of your damn mind?' — Andy mirrors Stanley's outrage back at him.

Andy · Stanley:Stanley: 'Four Splenda, are you crazy?' Andy: 'Well, no, I actually only put in two.' Stanley: 'Are you out of your damn mind?' Andy: 'Are you out of your damn mind?' (mirroring Stanley back)

Stanley · Andy:Stanley, furious about Andy's interruption: 'You bring an angel like that into this office and you don't even set me up with her.' Andy: 'We're not friends. I didn't think about it.' Stanley: 'We are friends, Stanley. We are friends. And you let me down.'

Stanley:Stanley's trade: 'Give me two clients for her.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight picks up a chainsaw in the office: 'I grab this and I turn it on and I say, "Prepare yourself for the Utica chain store massacre!"' Jim: 'That is incredibly dangerous.' Dwight: 'No, don't worry. The chain is off.' Jim: 'No, it's not.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight shows Jim his proposed 'Utica chain store massacre' opening for the lecture — involving a running chainsaw: 'I grab this, I turn it on and I say, Prepare yourself for the Utica chain store massacre!' Jim: 'No, that's — that is incredibly dangerous.' Dwight: 'No, don't worry. The chain is off.' Jim: 'No, it's not.'

Michael:Michael asks Karen about the father of her baby: 'So is there a guy, or, uh... person, or, uh... sperm machine that did this to you?'

Michael · Karen · Pam:Karen shows Michael and Pam a photo on her phone: 'This is us.' Michael: 'So dorky.' Pam: 'Oh, he's cute.' Karen: 'Yeah, he's so cute.' Michael: 'He's a dermatologist.' Karen: 'He's a dermatologist. We met at a bar. Can you believe that?' Michael, looking at another photo: 'What is happening there?' Karen: 'Oh yeah, don't even.' Pam: 'That's really dorky.' Michael: 'It's really dorky. You were right the first time.'

Michael:Michael's talking head: 'Old hatreds dissolve into new friendships. It's a really wonderful moment.'

Stanley · Andy · Jim:Jim and Dwight planning Andy's romantic approach to Julia. Stanley advises: 'No small talk. Just show her who's the boss. Just go right in and kiss her.'

Andy · Julia:Andy asks Julia: 'How does your boyfriend deal with your phenomenal success? Is he just, like, totally threatened by you or?' Julia: 'Actually, I don't have a boyfriend.' Andy: 'Really? Is that— Wow, that's so weird.'

Andy · Stanley:Andy asks: 'Have I ever steered you wrong, Jim?' — referencing Stanley, not Jim, while Andy looks at Stanley for validation.

Andy · Michael:Andy, after apparently kissing Julia without permission: 'Wait, what?' Followed by Michael's review: 'I would give that lecture a solid B+. Although, for the record, Karen — kind of mean.'

Pam:Pam's talking head about seeing Karen: 'I'll never wonder ever again if I did something wrong and... now I have closure. She's happy and — I don't know, it feels good.'

Andy · Julia:Andy walks Julia to her car and she mentions she's cold. Andy: 'Will you wait here while I go get my jacket?' Julia: 'Oh, no, it's okay. This is my car.'

Andy · Julia:Andy invokes 'the Nard-Dog guarantee' to impress Julia. Julia: 'What's a "Nard-Dog"?' Andy: 'This is the Nard-Dog.' (gesturing to himself)

Andy · Julia:Andy kisses Julia without warning. Julia: 'What the hell?' Andy: 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, I — I thought we had this energy, and I'm a mess, and I just had my heart broken...'

Andy · Julia:Andy impulsively kisses Julia. Julia: 'What the hell?' Andy: 'I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Oh, I thought we had this energy, and I'm a mess, and I just had my heart broken, and you came in today and you're so pretty. You're, like, incredibly pretty.'

Andy · Julia:Julia says she also just got out of a relationship. Andy: 'Yeah — RIGHT?!' and immediately suggests going to a mall: 'Do you want to talk about it? Go to a mall or something, just walk around?'

Andy:Andy trails off: 'Sorry I tried to kiss y—' Then talking head cut to: 'We lost the account.'

Dwight:Dwight calls Jim to find out Kelly's age, realizes he has the wrong number: 'It's Moz. Who do you think it is?' Dwight: 'Moz doesn't know how to use a phone, so joke's on you.'

Dwight:Dwight at the supermarket, needing numbered candles: 'They only have numbered candles. How old is she?' Contact gives a number. Dwight: 'Do you think I'm calling you for your best approximation? I'll call you back.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight reads from Kelly's confidential HR file in a confessional. He discovers she did juvenile detention time: 'Kelly Kapoor spent April 1995 to December 1996 at Berks County Youth Center.' Jim: 'Juvie.' Dwight reads on: '"According to past employers, it in no way affects her job perform—" Blah, blah, blah.'

Jim · Pam:Jim asks Pam if she's asleep. Pam: 'No. I'm just thinking about what you said. About Karen, about closure.'

Michael · Jim:Michael describes Holly: 'Blonde hair. Nice boobs. Not too big, not too small. Perfect boobs.' Jim: 'Of course I remember Holly.'

Michael · Pam:Michael decides to skip the Rochester lecture to go to Nashua for Holly: 'Let's go. I'll just blow off the lecture at Rochester.' Pam: 'Yeah. Screw 'em. Let's do this.'

Unknown · Dwight:In the final scene, someone contributes to Kelly's birthday party fund and we see a tiny pile of money including what appears to be a small, pathetic contribution.