Lecture Circuit (2)

Michael:Michael introduces branch employees by insulting nicknames: 'Shirty, mole, lazy eye, Mexico, baldy.'

Kelly · Pam:'Hi, Kelly. Screw you.' / 'Excuse me.' / 'Screw you, too.'

Dwight · Kelly:Kelly's juvie record read aloud: 'Kelly Kapoor spent April 1995 to December 1996 at Berks County Youth Center.'

Pam · Utica Employee:How's Jim? We're engaged. / Oh, my God. I'm so happy for you.

Michael:Michael: 'She was the love of my life. She just left and I never got closure. And I feel like I need to go to Nashua and get closure.'

Dwight:Juvie.

Jim · Dwight:Jim and Dwight's cake negotiation: 'Two.' / 'I didn't eat lunch.' / 'I didn't eat all my lunch.'

Kevin · Jim:Kevin walks in with ice cream: 'Ice cream. Nice, Kevin. Looks good.'

Angela:Angela describing her new cat: 'She's hypo-allergenic, she doesn't struggle when you try to dress her, she's a third-generation show cat. Her father was in Meet the Parents.'

Kevin · Angela:'How much?' / '$7,000.' / 'For a cat? I can get you a kid for that.'

Angela · Oscar:Angela sold Andy's engagement ring on eBay and kept the money for the cat. 'He wouldn't have wanted that.'

Kevin:'Seven grand. I've got to see that little bitch.'

Angela:Angela: 'I'm out of vacation days, and this company still doesn't recognize cat maternity.'

Phyllis:Phyllis: 'She's right. I had my second kid just for the vacation.'

Pam:Pam's confessional: Nashua is only accessible by cross-country skis.

Michael:Michael, from the car: 'I've been driving too long.'

Dwight · Kelly:Dwight interrogates Kelly: 'What did you learn in there? I'll bet you learned things, huh? Like how to fashion a shiv.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'If she's old enough to get married, she's old enough to follow the law.'

Kelly:Kelly: '...And it was the worst year of my life. And I can't believe that you guys are making me talk about this on my birthday.'

Jim · Kelly:Jim: 'I thought you said yesterday was your birthday.' / Kelly: pause / Jim: 'Hey, you know what? I got you a cake.'

Kelly · Jim · Dwight:Kelly's birthday cake is revealed: plain, no decorations, no name. 'I hate it.'

Jim · Kelly:How do you hate it? It's a cake. Well, there's no flowers or toys or... I mean, there's nothing on it. Where did you even find a cake like this?

Jim:Jim: 'I forgot if there was an E between the L and the Y.' / 'I still don't know.'

Jim · Kelly:Jim on the cake theme: 'It's birthday. Frosting.' / Kelly: 'Those aren't themes. There's always a theme.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight to Jim: 'Nice job on the cake, bozo.' / Jim: 'Okay, you know what? Next time, I'll let you get the cake and I get to scream at the birthday girl.'

Michael:Michael: 'How could she do this to me, Pam?' (about Holly having a boyfriend)

Kevin · Angela · Oscar:The Nanny Cam reveals two cats mating: 'That one ugly cat is humping Princess Lady.' / 'No!' / 'Awesome.'

Angela · Kevin:Angela: 'I swear he is fixed.' Kevin: 'I know fixed, that ain't fixed. No way.'

Angela:Angela: 'Now listen, you can't let what you see here sully your image of them. They are good, decent cats.'

Oscar:Oscar: 'The other one's watching.' (as a third cat observes on the Nanny Cam)

Dwight · Jim:Dwight calls Jim's decorative sign 'effeminate.' Jim: 'It's not effeminate. It's festive.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight announces the party change to the whole office, making Jim's sign immediately pointless. 'Hey, everybody, the party's now at 3:00!' / Jim: 'I know, I just read it on the sign.'

Michael:Michael opens the Nashua presentation: 'Good morning, Viet-Nashua!'

Michael:Michael's sales metaphor mashup: movie quotes. 'Frankly, my dear, I don't give a damn about paper' / 'show me the money'

Michael:Michael's bit about salespeople: 'Wow, yuck, salesmen are the worst, they are awful. They are so arrogant. They think the whole place revolves around them. Handsome, good listeners, funny. Mr. Wonderful.'

Michael · A.J.:Michael confronts A.J.: 'So, okay, you're a salesman, what's your name?' / 'A.J.' / 'A.J. What kind of name is A.J.? What, do you race cars?'

Michael · A.J.:A.J.: 'I'm a salesman, that's why I raised my hand.' Michael: 'Ouch. Okay. Good. You're funny, very good and funny.'

Michael · A.J.:Michael to A.J.: 'Tell me, A.J., are you dating? Is there somebody you date?' / A.J.: 'Yeah. Why, you interested?'

Michael:Michael, in the middle of the sales presentation: 'Does she ever talk about me?'

Michael · A.J.:Michael: 'Does it feel good?' / A.J.: 'Does what feel good?' / Michael: 'Your life. Oh, wow.'

Michael:Michael pretends his breakdown is a presentation technique: 'My legs are sort of giving out. Long drive in the car, so let me just...continue.'

Michael · Pam:Michael collapses to the floor during the presentation. Pam has to come retrieve him. 'Michael, get off the floor.'

Michael:Michael, back at the podium, tries to reframe his collapse: 'That was weird, huh? It's all part of the presentation.' / '...Because confusing situations happen to us all the time in our jobs.'

Michael · Pam:That was weird, huh? / It's all part of the presentation. / It was confusing, right? Because confusing situations happen to us all the time in our jobs.

Michael:'Sales is like a box of chocolates. You never know which vendor you're gonna get.'

Michael:Michael's mnemonic devices for Nashua employees: 'Blazer, freckles, penguin, K.D. Lang, Holly's boyfriend.'

Michael:Michael produces a chainsaw: 'I have a chainsaw!' / [pause] / 'Cutting down the competition.'

Angela:Angela, on the Nanny Cam feed, appears to be disciplining a cat: 'You look at me when I talk to you. Do you hear me, Mr. Ash? Look at me.'

Oscar:Office worker on Nanny Cam reaction: 'This is getting weird. Is she cleaning the cat with her tongue?'

Oscar · Kevin:'Has this been on the entire time?' / 'I have no idea. I was looking at pictures of food on my computer.'

Oscar:Oscar's talking head about the cat behavior: 'The psychological issues that go behind licking a cat are not things I want to go into. Also, I'm pretty sure she coughed up a hairball.'

Jim:The psychological issues that go behind licking a cat are not things I want to go into. Also, I'm pretty sure she coughed up a hairball.

Michael · Pam:I went through Holly's things. / What? / I stole a sleeve of her sweater.

Pam · Michael:I could read it. / No, I wouldn't... / Yeah, I could read it. / No, you don't have to do that. / Go get your laptop. Okay.

Jim:Jim to Pam on the phone: 'What? I'm not in love with her.' (about Kelly)

Dwight:Dwight's ideal birthday: 'Here's one. It was dark, warm, wet. A sudden burst of light, an intense pressure like I'd never felt before. Father dressed in white pulls me forward, mother bites the cord.'

Dwight · Jim:Dwight's 'horse hunt' party suggestion. Jim: 'I'm not writing horse hunt. I don't even know what that means.' / Dwight: 'It's in the name.'

Jim:The full brainstorm list: 'beer, fights to the death, cupcakes, blood pudding, blood, touch football, mating, charades and, yes, horse hunting.'

Jim:Jim: 'Okay, stop. Forever stop that story. That's disgusting and it doesn't count. So give me another one.'

Dwight:Dwight: 'Schrutes don't celebrate birthdays, idiot. It started as a Depression-era practicality and then moved on to an awesome tradition that I look forward to every year.'

Jim · Dwight:Jim's nostalgic birthday memory: the Natural History Museum, fossils all day, plastic triceratops. Dwight: 'Hey, you know what's even cooler than triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed.'

Jim:Jim's talking head button: 'Didn't see that one coming.'

Pam · Michael:It's deleted. / She still has feelings for you.

Pam · Michael:Pam: 'She still has feelings for you.' / Michael: 'Is that what it said? What did it say?' / Pam: 'I can't tell you specifically, but it's not over.'

Jim · Dwight:The party 'theme reveal': a Chiclet on the cake representing a pillow or a television. The theme is 'an hour of TV or an hour of napping.'

Jim · Dwight · Kelly:Happy birthday. Happy birthday. Surprise. / Hey, it's not a surprise. / This doesn't look good.

Kelly · Jim:Why is there a Chiclet on my cake? / That's the best part. That represents a pillow. Or a television.

Jim · Dwight · Kelly:Kelly picks 'nap' and everyone immediately has to vacate the conference room, eating cake at their desks: 'Everyone out! Get out. Let's go, go, go, go, go, come on.'

Kelly · Jim · Dwight · Office Workers:Can she pick a half hour of each? / No. No. / Then pick TV. / Pick a nap. / No, no. TV. / Watching TV at work is really cool. / Pick a nap. Nothing good is on right now. / Bonnie Hunt is on.

Kelly:Kelly: 'I'm too excited to sleep.' (after being given an entire hour to nap)

Dwight:Birthday time is over. Now go make up for all the work you missed when you were taking your nap. / Many happy returns.

Michael:Michael to the Nashua staff: 'Many happy returns.'

Michael:Michael's confessional: 'I feel great. So good to have closure.'

Michael · Pam:Michael considers apologizing to Roy, then pivots to looking for 'Tony from Stamford.' / 'Jabba the Hutt, Pizza the Hut. Fat guys like pizza, pepperoni pizza, Pepperoni Tony.'

Michael:Michael: 'You know what? Forget it. I know me. When I saw him I would never be able to apologize to him. Too fat. Big, fat fatty.'