St Marks

Ilana:21, you're suddenly allowed to be an alcoholic.

Ilana:20, you lose your virginity.

Abbi:23 was pretty great for me, I mean, it's the year I met you.

Abbi · Ilana · Tree Man:Tree man jumpscare — a man in a tree costume startles them repeatedly.

Abbi:He needs a little bell. Or like, a personal triangle he's playing all the time.

Ilana:I love a 'BYOF'... bring your own food, or a 'BYOS'... bring your own silverware. I'd wash the dishes if they'd let me.

Abbi · Ilana:This is the exact opposite reason why restaurants exist at all. Why not just eat at home? I don't have a table.

Street Man · Abbi · Ilana:A man on the street tells them they should smile. Immediate scene cut.

Ilana · Abbi:My people plan for death, Abbi. / I'm Jewish too. / Okay, but you're a mainline Jew. New York Jews wake up every day just thinking about how they're going to die.

Abbi · Ilana:I think about death. / Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.

Abbi · Ilana:You wrote your will on a napkin? / I made copies, obviously.

Abbi · Ilana:Hold up... you gave me power of attorney? I need you to be able to fight against my killer or whatever, and then option the rights.

Abbi · Ilana:Are you talking about the Beanie Babies? / With the flamingo one?

Ilana:It's cyclical, the market is cyclical. Maybe you don't know about the market. But it's cyclical.

Ilana:Yeah, baby, it's a whole other math game. I've got a math head.

Ilana:It's like a squirrel clutch with a meatball in it.

Abbi · Ilana · Host:Little Wayne, party of two. / Oh my god, Weezy's here. He is so real. / No, that's us. We… are Little Wayne.

Chris:Can I ask you, do you live in New York or did you move, because you never respond to any of my Facebook invites.

Chris · Abbi · Ilana:I get so confused on Facebook. / Me too! Like, how it works. What are all the numbers and the things? / I know! I don't know what they go with.

Chris · Abbi · Ilana:I'm really sad you guys missed my last solo performance. / We're so sorry that happened. / We don't even know you guys that well.

Chris:I was born the day the Challenger exploded.

Chris's partner:Do the ending, do the climax. Do 'Dear Uncle'.

Chris:Please suspend your sense of disbelief, as the lighting here is not good and it's not a theater, but all the world is a stage.

Chris · Ilana (narrating):So, he is on stage, he's fully naked, and he's maximum erect. / He's standing on a shredded American flag. / Uncle, Uncle Sam! He ejaculates! Into the flag.

Waiter · Abbi · Chris:We can push your tables together and then maybe you can talk a little bit quieter. / No, please don't. / That's a great idea! Yes!

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana knocks her wine bottle off the table, covers herself in wine, and uses this as an excuse to immediately leave.

Abbi · Waiter:Wait, you can't leave with an open container. / *Abbi chugs the remaining wine from the bottle*

Ilana:You know, wine is heart healthy, so... Here we go. Just do that.

Sommelier · Abbi:The sommelier stops Abbi in the street and tastes/identifies the wine from her clothes.

Host · Man:Scott Wolf? / Oh, hey hey!

Homeless Man · Ilana · Abbi:Where are the leftovers? / It was honestly too annoying. We didn't even order. / Wow, too annoying? Must be nice. Must. Be. Nice.

Ilana:You know, runaway teens have it so tough. He probably came out to his family, they kicked him out, so he hopped a boxcar from Oklahoma and now he's turning tricks on St. Mark's.

Ilana:You know, child sex trafficking is all around us. / Wigs! Ab, I gotta go get a wig, it's my birthday!

Man on Phone:Everyone's like, 'where's Christina?' I can't keep saying you're in the Keys. / 'Oh, my girlfriend moved out seven weeks ago and I'm falling apart and my dick doesn't work anymore, so...'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana's silent wide-eyed reaction to the man's phone call.

Abbi · Ilana:I feel like every city has a parrot dude. / You ever see the guy with the cat on his head? / Wonder if it ever touches the ground. If it does, that would be disgusting. / Imagine if those two guys met. I think the parrot would win.

Ilana:God, I have such a wig face. It's not even funny. This is the kind of wig you get buried in.

Abbi · Ilana:Why would you want to get buried in a wig? / It's the last time people get to see you. Yeah, exactly, I want to look dope as [bleep] at my funeral.

Ilana:I even made a playlist already. It's pretty much RuPaul's 'Supermodel' on repeat.

Ilana:I need leather tissues.

Ilana:I also want everyone I've ever hooked up with to just jerk off together. That might bring me back to life. Seriously.

Ilana:I want a really nice funeral. On a hill. Everyone would be really sad — like, hill funerals usually are.

Ilana · Abbi:Everyone has to go to Six Flags, my treat. / That is genius! You can't be upset at Six Flags, you can't.

Abbi:You can even 'Weekend at Bernie's' me, but Ilana — no log flume, for real.

Ilana · Abbi:How am I going to Bernie you if I'm already dead? / No, I'm obviously dying first. / No, the husband always dies first. / First of all, we're not married. Second of all, I'm the wife? / You're the other husband.

Ilana:I am a female and I love to inspect bodies.

Abbi:I'm getting this because I look like I've been stabbed. I look like I'm mid-death.

Ilana:Challah back, y'all.

Vendor:I'm alone!

Abbi · Ilana:You are seriously beautiful, like, really, really beautiful. / No, you are.

Ilana:Drop the bag, you [bleep]. When I catch you, I swear I'm going to rip out your disgusting little ball sack until you [bleep] throw up your own dick!

Abbi:Stop, we're the FBI, bitch!

Ilana · Abbi:My wig! / Leave it, leave it!

Ilana:Drop it, you [bleep] face, I swear I'll rip... come on, [bleep]hole! Ball sack!

Abbi:Hopefully no one will take that.

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi straddling a fence while Ilana goes back through the kitchen — both breathlessly discussing the plan.

Timothy's Mother · Timothy:Timothy. / Timothy! / Jesus Christ. / What, mother?

Ilana · Timothy's Mother:That boy lives here? / Boy? He's 34 years old. I had him when I was very young.

Timothy · Timothy's Mother:Yeah, it was a [bleep] joke. Chill out. / You chill out! / Chill out! / And get their stuff now. / Ugh! / Now!

Timothy's Mother:Ever since he dropped out of grad school, he's given me a lot of grief. I don't know what to do... throw him out, put him on the street. He'd love that.

Timothy's Mother · Timothy:Timothy, what is wrong with you? / I don't know, Mom. Why don't you tell me? You're the psychiatrist. Or do I need to make an appointment? / Maybe you should. / But you can't afford me because you don't work.

Timothy · Timothy's Mother:You love this, don't you? / You think I like this? My only son. Having to lie to my friends about what my son does with his life. / He's a loser, loser, loser, loser, loser, loser, loser, loser life.

Timothy:Right, 'cause you have to lie about me but not about anything in your perfect little life. Not about the wine, the painkillers, my father. Do I look like the son of a quarterback?

Timothy's Mother:Having to lie to my friends about what my son does with his life? He's a loser, loser, loser, loser, loser, loser, loser, loser life.

Timothy:I never asked to be born!

Timothy's Mother · Timothy:I'm a very good mother, it's just sometimes... / You get a dud! A [bleep] dud!

Abbi · Ilana:I'm just going to grab... / I'm sorry your son sucks so hard.

Abbi:I wonder if they own or rent.

Abbi · Ilana · Tree Man:Tree Man returns Ilana's wig. 'You're like the giving tree in real life.'

Tree Man:Tree Man yells at a car: 'You [bleep] piece of [bleep]. I will [bleep] car. I will [bleep]. I'm a tree, [bleep] damn it. I was here first, car. I was here first!'

Ilana:Ilana: 'This is the most powerful and beautiful blanket since the AIDS quilt.' — referring to her birthday gift.

Ilana:This is the most powerful and beautiful blanket since the AIDS quilt.

Abbi · Ilana:It's a squirrel sleeping bag, unzipped. / Yes, it is.

Ilana:I am proud of the time I saw something and said something.

Ilana · Abbi:I'm proud that I finally felt a prostate. / It's tricky.

Ilana:I'm proud that I used a lemon successfully as antiperspirant.

Ilana:Ilana: 'I'm proud that I used a lemon successfully as antiperspirant. Whoo, yes I did.'

Ilana:Next year, I want to finish a book... reading, not writing.

Ilana:I want to gradually lower my dosage of antidepressants.

Abbi · Ilana:I finally finished 'Damages,' so good. / I really think you need to reconsider TV.

Abbi:I pegged. Like... ow! Really outside of my comfort level.

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi's proud moments: 'I finally finished Damages, so good.' Ilana: 'I really think you need to reconsider TV.'

Abbi:I finally masturbated above the covers without my eyes being closed. That was a really big journal entry.

Abbi · Ilana:When I figured out my eyebrows. They're sisters, they're not twins. Right. Need to be treated as such.

Abbi:I want to do one legit pull-up, for real this time.

Abbi:I really want to keep a plant alive for more than two weeks.