Abbi

Abbi:You're gonna have to speak in English for me.

Abbi:Schedule when I ja-- (exhales deeply)

Abbi:It's called the non-member pen and you know that.

Abbi:No, they don't. They let me do a lot more than that. I wash the towels and then I dry the towels.

Abbi:I actually might be positive. I'm dealing with some pretty scary test results that are at a clinic right now and I have to get 'em, but I'm at work. I mean, I might be positive in a blood situation, so...

Tre · Abbi:Is it herpes? No, it's not. Genital warts. No.

Tre · Abbi:Let me know if you have AIDS. You'll be the first one that I tell. When I find out.

Abbi · Ilana:You took all of his office supplies. Listen, what I do at my place of work is none of your godamn business, okay?

Ilana · Abbi:Ugh-- This is a slave song. It's not a slave song. Yes, it is. It's widely known by the black community that 'What a Wonderful World' is, like, a slave song.

Abbi:Right, right, right, I totally forgot that you're, like, the voice of the whole black community.

Abbi:Jeremy. (in slow motion)

Abbi:Kill you in your sleep, how's that for a surprise?

Ilana · Abbi:She should be giving us, like, 25%. We can't do this anymore. This is insane. We're like-- Where'd the music go?

Abbi · Ilana:I just don't understand why she took the fishbowl. I would have given it to her. Homeless people need supplies, I don't know.

Ilana · Abbi:I'm gonna (bleep) him, dude. Who's Weezy? Lil Wayne! This is the whole thing!

Ilana · Abbi:What would you be doing instead? Watching 'Breaking Bad' and eating a Smart Ones? Okay, it's a cashew stir-fry and I was, like, really looking forward to it.

Man · Ilana · Abbi:I'm sowwy. I don't have any. Are you joking right now? I'm a wittle baby. Uh... No, you're a full grown man. I'm a baby, I have no money!

Ilana · Abbi:Does baby like this, huh? Babies do not read books yet! Are you a baby if you wear a hat? Full coat with fur? Babies don't have little... babies!

Abbi:Lil Wayne's so short, though, that we weren't even gonna be able to see him from where we would have sat.

Abbi:Do you know me, how I have to pee, like, constantly? We would be standing in line the whole concert. The whole time, we would be standing in a line.

Abbi:I know that tomorrow... tomorrow's totally the day. Like, I'm so confident in myself, I feel it in my heart. I'm confident myself in the day.

Abbi · Jaime:Please. Help me. Ay, mi amor, what happened to you?

Ilana · Abbi:Oh, it's happening. Why are we doing this right now? Hymes, you can go. She got me. I don't got her-- I'm not there with you.

Abbi:It's fine, everyone has nights like this. Just, if you feel like you're gonna throw up, just give me a heads up.

Abbi · Wax Technician:Been a long time. Like a week. No, it's been, like, three weeks.

Abbi · Wax Technician:I'm sorry. Okay, this may hurt. My body's learned. Oh... kay.

Gym Member · Abbi:I recognize you. You clean the locker room.

Abbi:Come on, pussies!

Ilana · Abbi:Dude, what do you think is worse? Constipation or diarrhea?

Abbi:Me and my bandmates, we shaved our heads to raise awareness for our band.

Abbi:Oh, when there's a pube situation, you call on old Abbi. When there's something that actually matters, you just go another way.

Abbi:wearing a napkin as a shirt, violently high

Abbi:I'm like, yes, Mr. George Bush. Whatever you say, Mr. George Bush. Dick Cheney, go easy on me, dude.

Abbi · Ilana:Before I know it, I'm gonna wake up and be 23 and my life's gonna be behind me. You know that I'm 25, right?

Abbi:If anyone's gonna pretend like they have cancer, it's gonna be me.

Abbi · Ilana:You know what? I look too nice. You look really nice, yeah. No, I look like vanilla.

Abbi · Store Clerk:It's 30 days. I will see you in 30 days, then. Bitch!

Abbi:Move, honk, honk. Pardon me. Out of the way, clavicle. Okay, five-nine, I can't even, like, deal with you right now.

Bartender · Abbi:Well, 6% of the proceeds go to the tsunami. What tsunami? Whichever one happens next.

Abbi · Waiter:Hold on, do you just have one fact that you repeat? Well, you're the first people to actually want a second.

Abbi · Man:This is the men's room. Adoy!

Abbi:Well, well, well. What do we have here?

Abbi:This church bell techno song still has 27 minutes left.

Abbi · DJ:I like that 'I Dream of Jeannie' hair. Thanks. You grant wishes?

Abbi:I've cleaned more pubes than you have on your entire body. I look at you for a second, I can tell you got no pubes.

DJ · Abbi:What kind of lotion do you use? You know, like, normal stuff. Yeah, like Occitane?

Abbi · Ilana:I'm, like, so hard right now. Ew, you're hard?

Abbi · Ilana:I know you don't like the word 'horny.' No, I don't like the word 'horny,' but I'm not a big fan of 'hard,' either, for a lady.

Clean DJ · Abbi:Shower's all set, you ready to go? I love smelly girls.

Abbi:you made us walk up eight flights of stairs, you sick weirdos.

Abbi · Ilana:Thanks a lot, Halliburton. What does Halliburton have to do with your work? I... I don't know.

Ilana · Abbi:Exactly, it's like a feminism thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm being sarcastic.

Abbi:Okay, I love you too.

Abbi:A clump of my hair just fell out actually.

Abbi:You ate it like, as soon as you gave it to me.

Delivery person · Abbi:It's a flexible window. Windows are never flexible. That's not how they work.

Ilana · Abbi:RiRi leans in for a kiss and then she... Goes down on you. Yeah. Yeah, you... you say that story a lot.

Ilana · Abbi:Nah, dude, it's a Fleshlight. Ilana, why do you have to ruin him for me? It's not a Fleshlight. It's healthy.

Abbi:Jeremy's actually my... he's my husband.

Abbi:Can you just like, look the other way this time?

Abbi:If you do this for me right now, I'm gonna... I will buy you a Costco rotisserie chicken.

Abbi · Bevers:You're Jeremy Santos. No, I'm Matty Bevers.

Abbi:We borrowed neighbor's mail to go get a neighbor's package. You were not a good kisser.

Abbi:What is my rent even going to?

Abbi:everyone in the building can just, like, mass murder all their own cockroaches

Abbi:That... that's what that is, 4:00. Okay, I knew that.

Abbi:It's in my mouth!

Abbi:It's gonna take you three months, like everything does.

Abbi:This is the biggest moment of our lives. It's my life, but... I mean, you're with... you're with me.

Abbi:I'll Nair, like, a bunch of different areas.

Abbi:Okay, first of all, I'm allowed to be upset even though I'm white. Typical honky.

Abbi:We have street smarts.

Ilana · Abbi:Use the wood, dude. Oh, my God, all right. Wood, I mean... Jesus!

Abbi:Sorry, I released too early.

Abbi:dude, I work at a gym. There are so many upper-body strength classes.

Abbi · Ilana:You just went up inside me. Okay. That's just what happened. It was honestly not intentional. It was natural for me.

Abbi · Ilana:What Buble are we talking about, though? I don't know, the optimal Michael Buble. His weight fluctuates. Yeah. So does hers. Yeah. So does mine.

Abbi:Michael Buble is, like, such a crooner. I feel like he could do stuff with his mouth that, like, most people couldn't.

Abbi:Yolanda.

Abbi:Thank you for your terrifying services and don't call us, we'll call you.

Abbi:Look at this gorgeous immigrant family.

Abbi:I'd know him in and up and all around.

Ilana · Abbi:Cute little Mexican candies. They're Nerds.

Abbi:I am the problem. I am gentrification, you know. In three generations, gentrification is gonna be a non-issue because statistically, we're headed toward an age where everybody's gonna be like caramel and queer

Neighbor · Abbi:I'm gonna shoot you in your face! Wait, wait! I can prove that I live here, okay?

Abbi:Three... three months ago, that old white dude was found chopped up in our dumpster.

Abbi · Neighbor:Last week, one of you farted and I heard it 'cause the walls are so thin and I laughed and then you heard me, so you laughed. That did happen.

Abbi:Now that I say it out loud, I realize I led the creepy dude to your apartment and I am so sorry.

Abbi:Ben Affleck was homeless for a night for charity. We're, like, doing that, just involuntarily.

Abbi:honestly, probably look better than if we hadn't been maced 'cause our pores are tight and burning. It's like we had a chemical peel.

Abbi:I was doing park our just now.

Abbi:The plastic bags are for swimsuits and, like, dirty gym clothes, not for loose goo.

Abbi:This is a sandwich shop.

Abbi:One of the sandwich artists? No, I'm one of the... the artist artists.

Abbi:When a friend makes a mistake, you forgive them blindly, right?

Lincoln · Abbi:They started out as kid detectives, just solving mysteries in Bayport and now they have an entire book series about them. Yeah, definitely, but you know, they are, like, fictional characters

Abbi · Employee:And there's no meat. No. Okay, how big are the sandwiches? Like, substantial? We... Sometimes.

Abbi · Employee:Do you know what a sandwich is? Do you? 'Cause you don't have any meat in them. There's no meat in the sandwiches. Just an FYI, that makes the sandwich.

Abbi:Yolanda! No! Yolanda! Why?

Abbi · Ilana:Did Amelia Earhart wait to be asked to fly around the world? Definitely not. She asked. And then they said no. But she still did it. And she died, but she, like, died doing it.

Abbi:So, okay, that's 36 guys that we've been rejected by and one lady.

Ilana · Abbi:The Internet is so '90s. Let's go find some guys IRL. / You know, you can just say 'in real life.' It's the same number of syllables.

Abbi:When I was five, I was actually an extra in the movie 'Philadelphia.' It filmed right near my dad's office. So I learned about AIDS before a lot of my friends.

Abbi:Cell phones are so close to being perfect, except that I just miss that there's like a-- Dial tone. Dial tone. Yes, are you kidding me? No, yeah. You're trying to make a connection with someone and there's no sound anymore. It's just like, hi, you're there.

Abbi:I'm the hot girl at this bar. Me, me is. Yes-- calling my mom.

Abbi · Woman:Has anyone seen a phone? Is there a phone? / I lose my phone all the time, too. I mean, I don't, like, lose it, lose it, I just, like, I see it fall into the toilet, but...

Abbi:Okay, you guys, listen. I lost my phone. This guy is supposed to text me. He called me hot. So I'm cute, but you guys get it. Can you guys help me find it? / Yes. / I'm gonna need you to link arms. We're gonna sweep the bar.

Abbi:She doesn't have, like, street smarts like me, you know, and no upper body strength.

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana. / Are you kidding me? Ilana, stop. / No, this park is full of pervs. Get ready, because everybody's gonna whip their phone out and we're gonna find yours in three, two, one.

Abbi · Bystander:Why is no one taking a picture of her? / That girl's been here for hours.

Abbi:Hey, one of you stole our phone. We know you're in here!

Abbi:It's gonna be unfair to whoever I marry, because I'll probably, like, always compare them to Ben. It's gonna just tear us apart immediately, or throughout.

Abbi:What's hotter than a pink dick with a sense of humor? I mean, a black dick, but...

Abbi:I'm embarrassed that I'm here. I'm embarrassed that he was inside of me.

Abbi:I bet the freak was seeing a play and turned it off to be polite.

Abbi · Ilana:The last place every tourist goes. / The airport? / No, not-- Not literally the last place. Magnolia Bakery.

Abbi:You are so gorgeous and sexually skilled it's scary, but your improv show was just not good.

Tyler · Abbi:That was one of our best shows. / Shut up, you're an idiot.

Abbi:Thank you for your services. But seriously, thank you for your services, they were good.

Abbi:Don't put your shirt on before you leave. What's the point?

Ben · Abbi:I offer clients incentives to stay with the bank, so. / Cool. / You know, I used to have an office that didn't have a window. They just moved me into an office with a window. / Oh, that's great. I mean, it's much better to have a window. / Much better, I look out all the time.

Abbi · Ilana:He told me the rules to some game, Settlers of Catan, for like, 40 minutes. / Oh, God, that should take, like, ten minutes, tops.

Abbi · Ilana:Oh, no, I still slept with him. / Oh! / Yeah! / Nice--

Ilana · Abbi:For dick pics and sex media in general. / Why would you need a phone from, like, 'The Wire' for that? / I'm still on my family plan and I don't fully understand the cloud and I don't trust it. I mean, I can't risk having just dicks floating around. I feel like they're gonna, like, pop up on my parents' phone one day.

Abbi · Ilana:How many dicks are floating around? / You're counting a lot. / Like, in the late 20s?

Abbi:So, okay, that's 36 guys that we've been rejected by and one lady.

Abbi:You know, you can just say 'in real life.' It's the same number of syllables.

Abbi:Was anyone filming that? I'm the hot girl at this bar. Me, me is. Yes... calling my mom.

Abbi:Has anyone seen a phone? Is there a phone?

Abbi:Could you turn the music off, please? Maybe when you turn it back on, some '90s hip-hop? Something cool.

Abbi:I'm gonna need you to link arms. We're gonna sweep the bar.

Ilana · Abbi:It's in the Upper East Side. Oh, dude. I... I don't want to go there. Must we?

Ilana · Abbi:Times Square, ew! We can't go in here, dude, it's... it's too disgusting. Ilana, we have to, he called me hot.

Abbi:It's gonna be unfair to whoever I marry, because I'll probably, like, always compare them to Ben. It's gonna just tear us apart immediately, or throughout.

Abbi · Ilana:What's hotter than a pink dick with a sense of humor? / I mean, a black dick, but...

Abbi · Ilana:You know that you're so anti-racist sometimes that you're actually really racist? Huh.

Abbi:I'm not watching this by myself, get... You should come down here. Sit in your seat, you brought me here.

Abbi · Ilana:The airport? No, not... Not literally the last place. Magnolia Bakery.

Ben · Abbi:I offer clients incentives to stay with the bank, so. / You know, I used to have an office that didn't have a window. They just moved me into an office with a window. Oh, that's great. I mean, it's much better to have a window.

Ben · Abbi:Um so have you been here before? I have. About a year ago. Or... it was like two years ago. Cool. Or, no. That was like a year ago. 13 months, 14, 13 months, 14 months.

Abbi · Ilana:He told me the rules to some game, Settlers of Catan, for like 40 minutes. Oh, God, that should take, like, ten minutes, tops.

Ilana · Abbi:Don't worry, you'll have sexual intercourse very soon. Oh, no, I still slept with him. Oh! Yeah!

Abbi · Ilana:Oh, my God, it won't let me... It says my storage is full. That sucks for you.

Tourist (in video) · Ilana · Abbi:Baby... I have a sweet surprise for you. Here it comes. She's gonna jerk off. No, no, no, no, no, we shouldn't watch it. Ilana, we should not watch it. This is not a time for prudeness, Abbi. Okay, fine!

Abbi:Abbi waking up confused: 'What? How am I getting shorter?'

Abbi · Jeremy:Jeremy tells Abbi she'd be the person he'd give a spare key to, and Abbi immediately crumbles into flustered stammering about 'commitment'

Abbi · Jeremy:Jeremy asks 'Do you mind if I take off my shirt?' and Abbi says 'Where'd you get all that oil from?'

Abbi:'You're so... slippery.' — Abbi, apparently touching oiled Jeremy

Abbi · Bevers:Abbi wakes up and Bevers says 'Someone had a sexy dream, huh?' — implying he witnessed or heard something

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana immediately proposes: 'I was thinking maybe we could masturbate next to each other.' Then adds it's 'parallel play.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'It's because I want to so badly.' — confessing she's always wanted to parallel-masturbate with Ilana

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'What a way to start the day.' Ilana: 'It's 5 p.m.' Abbi: 'Great... Closing time.'

Abbi:Bevers's sister has an 11th toe, and 'it's not where you would expect it to be'

Abbi:Abbi's hurricane confession: she switched their laptop chargers in the night 'like a sneaky thief' and that's why Ilana's charger never works

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana forgives Abbi instantly: 'It's not a big deal at all.' Abbi: 'You are forgiveness. You are. Wow. Whew. Thank you everybody. Namaste. Gracias.'

Abbi:'Just a lot of people here and I spite eat.' — Abbi explaining why she consumed the entire potato salad

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi refuses to use the bathroom because there are too many people. Ilana offers to come in and do 'ocean noises in your ear to relax you.'

Abbi:'On the one night that Jeremy comes over to my apartment, I explode.' — Abbi using 'explode' to describe her digestive situation to Ilana

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana demands eye contact for permission: 'Look me in the eyes and tell me I have your permission.' / 'Any means necessary?'

Abbi:Abbi explains she was in her bedroom because 'a felf shell.' She then corrects: 'A shelf fell.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'Such a jokester. I love dishes and washing them.' — forced recovery through aggressive normalizing

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'My talent can't be to like, wash his body.' Ilana: 'You mean like, wash his body after sex, right? I want to make sure you're optimizing your fantasies.'

Ilana · Abbi:Truth or Dare scheme: Ilana will say 'dare,' get dared to do something embarrassing, which will give Abbi cover to do something with Jeremy

Ilana · Abbi:Truth or Dare: Abbi picks 'dare.' Ilana: 'I dare you to suck Jeremy's [bleep].'

Abbi:Abbi: 'Um, that's a wrap on Truth or Dare.'

Abbi:'Sweet dreams on my ass, Bevers!' followed by physical comedy suggesting Abbi dumps something on him

Jeremy · Abbi:Jeremy and Abbi bond over cooking; Jeremy admits his specialty is 'Egg, mostly.' (singular)

Abbi:Abbi reveals: 'Marla, I know... It was Brody. Come on, Brody! Come on out here, boy.' — throwing the dog under the bus

Abbi:Abbi's full confession: she pooped in the toilet but couldn't flush (no water), Ilana said she'd handle it, Abbi 'did not think that that meant she would put it in your shoe.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana denies putting anything in a shoe: 'What? / I didn't put it in a shoe.' / Abbi points to shoe with poop. / Ilana: 'There's [bleep] in this shoe, is there not?'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'Thank you so much for covering for me. You're the best.' / Abbi: 'You [bleep] in your sister's Shapely.' / Ilana: 'Just trying to say thank you.'

Ilana · Abbi · Morgan:Ilana shows up to a wedding in her old catering uniform, insisting everyone was supposed to wear theirs

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana asking Abbi about Darcy being 'the first of the trifecta to get married' — Abbi: 'I can... she's been engaged for like seven years.'

Ilana · Abbi:'Honestly, Morgan's boner for you is so big you can see it from space. You should just let her suck it already.' / 'So, now I have the boner?'

Abbi:Darcy is 'marrying the heir to Jennifer friggin' Convertibles'

Will · Abbi:Will tells Abbi he 'crushes at weddings' and can't wait for her to see him on the dance floor, on what she notes is only their second date

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana's email is 'mindmyvagina.com' — her previous email was 'ilanawaxler@vagina.com'

Abbi · Ilana:Beat: Abbi asks why there's no 2:10 train to Bridgeport anywhere on the board at Grand Central

Ilana · Abbi:The reveal that Ilana bought Amtrak tickets and took everyone to Grand Central, which doesn't run Amtrak

Abbi:Abbi watches Will's cab pull away: 'Oh, it's just not meant to be.' — delivered directly to camera (implied confessional tone)

Abbi · Ilana · Morgan:The group watches their train leave without them after the taxi crash detour

Car Rental Agent · Abbi · Ilana:The rental car insurance list escalates from 'potholes' to 'weather' to 'trees' to 'God'

Car Rental Agent · Abbi · Ilana · Lincoln:The under-25 surcharge revelation, followed by Lincoln's credit card reveal as 'not a sugar daddy thing, just an old established guy paying for his younger friend he has sex with'

Car Rental Agent · Abbi · Ilana:The rental vehicle reveal — implied to be something comically wrong: 'It doesn't have AC, but it's really spacious.' The group's deflated 'We'll take it.' followed by an establishing shot of a large, ancient moving truck or van

Ilana · Abbi:'This bitch is unraveling.' / 'I am well aware.'

Abbi · Ilana:'He had a really big penis.' / 'How big, how big, how big?' / 'Like, think earth, like think earth. Coke can, plantain big.'

Ilana · Abbi:'The Sei Wah bus runs every half hour.' / 'Ew, disgusting, Ilana. You're disgusting.'

Abbi:'You can't not go to a wedding you RSVP'd to. You have to respect the sanctity of the RSVP.'

Lincoln · Abbi:Lincoln initiates a full wedding-style dance routine alone on the highway after Abbi asks about 'the rest of the dance'

Ilana · Abbi · Morgan:Cycling pep talk: 'What are your passions? Who lights your fire?' / 'Gossip!' / 'Rihanna's Instagram.'

Ilana · Abbi · Morgan:Ilana reveals on the bus that Darcy and Abbi made out, to Ilana's romantic jealousy

Ilana · Abbi:'You said that if you were ever gonna do same-sex experimentation, it was gonna be with me.' / 'I have never said that to you.' / 'It has been implied.' / 'By you.'

Abbi:'Fine. You know what else Darcy and I did? We touched boobs.' [escalating repetition] 'We touched boobs, We touched boobs! We touched boobs!'

Abbi · Ilana:Fish on the bus: 'Oh, my God, what is this?' / 'It's a fish!' / 'It's going down my underwear.'

Abbi:'We don't even hang out anymore. There's no trifecta. It's more of like a duo now. So...'

Ilana · Abbi:'You smell.' / 'All right, give me Lincoln's clothes. I'll change.' / 'Okay, I'll block you, and I'm gonna peek.' / 'No, dude, you're not peeking.' / 'Come on.' / 'Fine, today you can peek. This one time.'

Ilana · Abbi:'You smell good now.' / 'Oh, you smell like Lincoln.' / 'Yeah, I smell exactly like Lincoln.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana in tuxedos, deciding to hold doors for people: 'We are perfect gentlemen, dude. We're in tuxes.'

Abbi · Ilana:Final scene: 'They've completely remodeled. This used to be carpet. Love hardwood floors.' — reverent appreciation for the subway station

Abbi:Drake's 'Started From the Bottom' plays as Abbi attempts to deposit her $8,000 check at the bank — a grandiose anthem for a modest windfall

Abbi · Bevers:Abbi comes home to find Bevers 'straightening up the living room' — holding a blanket, surrounded by Abbi's belongings arranged as masturbation props

Abbi:Abbi: 'You were jerking off. In the communal space! You don't even live here!'

Abbi · Bevers:Abbi: 'Bevers, I swear to God that better be E.R.' / Bevers: 'It's... Good Wife.'

Abbi · Bevers:Abbi: 'You have a way of tainting everything I love.' / Bevers: 'Taint? Don't.'

Abbi:Abbi declares she's moving out — immediately, emphatically — with the energy of someone who's been wronged on a historical scale

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana see their real estate broker Pam for the first time — a long beat of stunned silence and stuttered 'Hi's

Pam · Abbi · Ilana:Pam shows a literal hallway as an apartment: 'It is a beautiful railroad-style apartment in your budget.'

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana and Abbi scramble out of Pam's tiny car — physical comedy of getting untangled, 'Your hand's on my ass'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana searching for the cable remote in Ilana's apartment — finds a dictaphone; Ilana: 'That's my old dictaphone from high school.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'Is a dick phone?' / Ilana: 'Dic-ta-phone.' / Abbi: 'Oh, I was... "Hello? Hello, Dick."'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'Great idea number nine. It's like Facebook, but just for photos. I guess it could be videos too, but mostly photos.' / Abbi: 'Ilana, you invented the Instagram.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana's drug logic: 'I bet I was high the last time I had my remote. Maybe if I get high again I'll remember where I put it.' / Abbi: 'Aren't you already high?' / Ilana: 'I mean, like, more high. Is "higher." "Highest."'

Abbi · Ilana · Mark:Abbi's Craigslist speculation: 'That dude just posted for women, and then just kills them. Or do you think he has sex with them and then kills them? Or did he kill them, then have sex with them?' / Abbi's Craigslist date: 'You're both right.'

Mark · Abbi:Mark: 'So what's your shoe size?' / Abbi: 'Nine.' / Mark: 'Hmm. Men's or women's?'

Abbi · Potential roommate:The perfect roommate apartment: crown molding, built-ins, quiet sex, beach weekends — and Abbi settles it with 'Yeah, so is mine, with myself, right?'

Abbi:The SelectDate commercial turns out to be a racist dating site: 'For whites who are single and ready to mingle... the final solution to your dating problems.'

Abbi:Abbi, panicked and alone with the shocked potential roommates: 'I love all races. "Races," not "racists." You guys are— I wouldn't— And it's a— It's probably not national. It's just like, um— Probably it's just—'

Bevers · Abbi:Bevers attempts to apologize with bagel bites arranged in the shape of an 'A' — 'because I know how you like to label your food'

Abbi · Ilana:The opening rating game — Abbi thinks they're rating hotness, Ilana is rating dick size through basketball shorts

Abbi · Ilana · Gym Employee:A gym employee tells the women their staring is making guys uncomfortable

Abbi:'I've never even worked at a restaurant this nice.'

Abbi:Abbi calls her dad her 'father figure' and corrects herself mid-sentence

Abbi · Ilana:The Beyoncé/Jay-Z role assignment — 'Beyoncé and I do have similar curves'

Abbi · Ilana · John the waiter:Abbi and Ilana responding to 'do you have any food allergies' with general opinions about peanuts and gluten

Abbi · Ilana · John:John the waiter asks about food allergies; Abbi launches into generic peanut allergy advice, then Ilana says 'Gluten, which I think is like an adult human thing across the board'

Ilana · Abbi:'He's tall and he's bilingual? / I'm short and I can't speak English good.'

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana toasts Doug 'for turning you out' after Abbi reports slightly above-average sex

Abbi:Abbi planned sex to happen 'at the stroke of midnight' as she turned 26 — the birthday sex ritual

Abbi:'Joie de... jooge' — Abbi's failed French with the waiter

Abbi:'I just peed out a condom.'

Ilana · Abbi:'Did you pee it or poop it?' — Ilana's immediate follow-up question

Ilana · Abbi:'Everything I've done has happened to you.' / 'Not yet is what I meant to say.'

Abbi · Ilana:'Yeah, well, I shouldn't have tried to throw myself a surprise party. / You should have tried. It was a mistake.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi's stoned realization: 'Every animal from every movie we've loved as a kid — probably dead.'

Abbi:'I know that. She was for real. I know that it was a cartoon.'

Abbi:'You know, that Tramp was my first sexual crush. He was hot. He was like a spunky bad boy.'

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana's face is red and her eye is 'blowing up' from the shellfish allergy — revealed immediately after they've been eating nothing but shellfish

Abbi · Ilana:'How do I not know you're allergic to shellfish? / You don't know everything about me. / You text me every time you take a dump. I know about the pimple on your nipple and I'm, like, the holder of your Social Security card.'

Abbi:Abbi's singing confidence — 'I know I can't really sing. But if I had private lessons and learned to breathe, I could sing really well.'

Abbi · Doug (phone):Abbi calls Doug from the bathroom to tell him she peed out a condom — he reveals he didn't use a condom

Abbi:'Because, like a lady, I keep my eyes closed when I make love.'

Doug (phone) · Abbi:'You're a condom girl. I will make a note of that for next time.' — Doug's response

Abbi:'No, I'm not sure, because I'm not sure about anything. Something just fell out of my body, so I gotta go deal with that, and you need to deal with me dealing with that.'

John · Abbi · Ilana:Seafood turducken — small clam inside the mouth of a lobster inside a larger clam — 'Suck on those legs a little longer'

Abbi:'Your face looks like the underbelly of a tugboat.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana has an epi pen in her clutch — she planned for Abbi to administer it

Abbi:'There was a condom in my person for four days.'

Abbi · Ilana:The epi pen chaos — Ilana grabs it back, Abbi takes it, Ilana keeps eating ('two more bites, it is so expensive'), Abbi stabs herself with it

Abbi:'Whoo! Adrenaline! I... could actually take that pen. I feel so alive right now!'

Abbi · Ilana:'It's my birthday, I'm the king of the world!' — Abbi on adrenaline while Ilana calls 911

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi, adrenaline-spiked, calls for the ambulance while Ilana shouts 'It's my birthday, I'm the king of the world!'

Abbi:'We'll take those two molten lava cakes to go.'

Kitchen Staff · Abbi · Ilana:The kitchen argument triple-cross during the 911 call: 'Why don't you have the ambulance drop you off at a mental hospital... I hope you die in your sleep... I am gonna die because you're killing me slowly... Speak clearly, someone is dying'

Ilana · Abbi:'Abbi, you are the love of my... life.' — Ilana to Abbi on the ambulance gurney

Abbi · Ilana:The hospital bucket list — 'own an elliptical / go to a pug farm / do heroin under the aurora borealis'

Doctors/Nurses · Abbi · Ilana:The hospital ER scene — doctor dialog about epinephrine, 'patient not responsive,' time of death 2:47 AM — a totally different patient dies while they're talking

Abbi · Ilana:'First night of my 26th year — pee out a condom, go to the hospital. I think that means this year is just gonna be really— / Fun and cool and fresh? / I was gonna say awesome, but yeah.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana's family's 'gross sex list' game — 'Who is the grossest person you still kind of want to have sex with?'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi's gross sex list answer: O.J. Simpson

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana's newest entry: the Six Flags old man — and both women physically imitating his dancing in the hospital in heels

Abbi · Ilana:Animal sound effects (chimpanzee shrieking, pigs grunting, jackals cackling) overlaid on the subway car crammed with hot, sweaty strangers

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana is clearly doing something disgusting/sexual on the subway — moaning, prompting Abbi's exasperated 'Ilana, come on.'

Abbi · Ilana:Whatever is discovered at the back of the subway car causes Abbi to gag and both women to flee in horror

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'What, so it's like the best optical illusion of all time?' / Ilana: 'Exactly. Like, um, Mount Rushmore, how it looks, you know, like the presidents?'

Abbi:Abbi's correction: 'Well, Mount Rushmore is actually a sculpture. Like, it was carved by an artist.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'Well, I'm on the edge of like swamp ass right now. I need some A/C.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana and Abbi arrive at a drugstore/pharmacy and Ilana announces 'We're gonna have to throw these out' while apparently looking at their underwear/clothes in the store mirror under good lighting

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana's Colin Farrell sex tape monologue: timestamping specific moments ('8:58 he is feasting on her [bleep] like it is a dang milk shake'), complete with Irish accent impersonation

Abbi:Abbi responding in an Irish accent: ''Twas 8:58 you said, sire?'

Abbi · Ilana:The Colin Farrell breakdown is interrupted when they realize a New York mom with a stroller is within earshot — 'Oh. So sorry. We love New York moms.'

Abbi:Abbi buys the underwear she's been wearing in the store because they are 'now, like, sort of part of my body'

Male Stacey · Abbi:Male Stacey reveals his 'plan': invite Abbi over, hide that he has no A/C, get her clothes off via heat

Abbi:Abbi alone in the bathroom talking herself down — 'Just cool down, Abbi. You're cool, you're cool... Cool mode.' — then using a hair dryer to blow-dry her sweat

Abbi · Male Stacey:Male Stacey and Abbi struggle to remove her extremely tight pants due to the heat — she has to hold the bed while he pulls on three

Male Stacey · Abbi:Male Stacey tries to remove Abbi's pants; they won't come off because of the heat-induced sweat — 'They're really on there.' Stacey: 'I'm gonna hold the bed, you just pull, okay?'

Abbi · Male Stacey:The paper towels reveal: Abbi confesses she shoved paper towels in her butt crack to absorb swamp ass and forgot they were there

Abbi · Male Stacey:Abbi calling out 'Male Stacey!' with increasing urgency during sex, building from 'Stacey' to 'Stacey!' to 'Stace?' to 'Male Stacey!'

Ilana · Abbi:The jackhammer punning scene: Ilana shouts 'So, to clarify, you raped—' and the jackhammer starts; when it stops, she says '—him.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'That is literally what "they" say.' / Abbi: 'Yeah, but I really mean it.' / Ilana: 'So do "they".'

Abbi:Abbi: 'My God, I raped him, dude. I... I raped male Stacey. I'm a monster. I need an air conditioner, immediately!'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana considers a turbie twist for Lincoln, then: 'Probably not, 'cause he doesn't have any hair.'

Abbi · Store employees:Abbi is greeted by name by multiple store employees with enthusiasm — it emerges she is a regular to an embarrassing degree; she denies coming in 'that much'

Store employee · Abbi:An employee has named a cutting board 'the Abbi' — 'I've been calling it "the Abbi."'

Ilana · Store employee · Abbi:Ilana and an employee do a choreographed handshake/dance routine that Abbi doesn't know — 'Oh, my God, she doesn't do dances with me.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana's Facebook status draft: 'Seeking air conditioner, free to cheap. Thanks. Bye, guys.' — Abbi: '"Bye, guys" is my favorite part.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana and Abbi split up to find a cab: 'I'll look for a cab on the side streets, you take the avenue.' / 'Genius. All angles.' Ilana: 'Whoo!'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'I want more panache. I want more spunk, more jizzy-jazz.' / Abbi: 'Eww, okay.'

Benny · Abbi · Ilana:The A/C turns out to be broken — Benny assumed 'broke-ass' in the post meant 'broken'

Abbi:Abbi to Benny about his mom dropping out of Amazing Race: 'Maybe your dad should have pulled out.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'Maybe your dad should have pulled out.' Abbi: 'Whoa, dude.' Ilana: 'That was awesome. I just thought of that.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana's spontaneous adoption theory: the A/C she left in college is like a baby given up for adoption — 'she should be able to go and get that baby back whenever she pleases.' Abbi: 'I can't... I can't get into adoption with you again.'

Ilana · Security guard · Abbi:Ilana tries to get Abbi into the college dorm by claiming they're 'loving lesbians' when the security guard questions the expired ID — then when he says he doesn't care about that, she pivots to 'I guess it's because we're straight, then? The straight girls of 2015 shafted yet again!'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana and Abbi pose as R.A.s in a dorm room 'raid' — Ilana: 'This is a spontaneous room raid. Whoo!'

Abbi:The fake room raid escalates: Abbi finds vodka — 'Mad vodka, huh? Good stuff, huh? And it's also against the rules. Strike uno!'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana sniffs out weed hidden in the wall, Lassie-style — 'What is it, girl? What is it?'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana decide not to report the violations, then 'punish' the students by making them smoke all the weed in a bong hotbox

Abbi · Dorm resident:Resident: 'Also... what does this have to do with the A/C?' Abbi: 'These are the rules, and when you graduate and get a real job like an R.A., we can talk about it.' Resident: 'R.A.s are students.' Abbi: 'When you graduate, we can talk about what an R.A. is and isn't.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'So, you made out with a minor. You finished a couple of moments after a dude went unconscious. You're a sex offender at worst! Welcome to the club.' Ilana: 'There's a club?'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'I am honored and thrilled that you would steal something for me.' Ilana: 'I feel like a fugitive.' Abbi: '...And if anyone asks, I'll say the one-armed man took it.'

Abbi:Abbi introduces the cats to their new bed (her sweatshirt): 'You got me, daddy-maddy. You got Odysseus, Medusa, Artemis, Hermes. You got Drew—' (horrified pause) 'Guys, where is Drew?'

Abbi · Ilana:The air conditioner is installed and it's so cold it's 'like a whole other apartment' — they stand in front of it in ecstasy

Abbi · Ilana · Male Stacey:Male Stacey is revealed to have been in Abbi's apartment the whole time, watching them ecstatically enjoy the A/C — 'Who the (bleep) are you?' / 'How did you get into my apartment?' / 'You (bleep) perv! Get in that box!'

Abbi · Ilana:We would love to use our free passes to see one movie and only one movie.

Abbi · Ilana:'Fang for a fang.' Gotta support book adaptations. — You read the book? — No.

Abbi:Chris Rock is killing all the werewolves, but he is also a werewolf. This movie makes no sense. I love it.

Ilana · Abbi:There's milk duds on the bottom, actually. All right, yeah. My favorite.

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana... Are you (bleep) kidding me?

Abbi · Ilana:Great, okay. See you next week.

Abbi · Bevers:It's like two feet farther. — Simple. — I don't think this is a good idea. — Elegant.

Abbi · Bevers:Bevers, do you want me to get it? It's heavy. — It's clearly gonna... the floor. — Oh, (bleep).

Abbi · Bevers:Bevers, what is on your back? — You know, I don't know. I just know it itches a lot, and it really hurts.

Abbi · Bevers:I think it's a bed sore. — I've only been sitting on the couch, so technically you're gonna have to call it a couch sore.

Abbi:How have you been on my couch long enough to get a couch sore? You don't even live here, your girlfriend does.

Abbi:You need to get off of my couch. You need to take a long hard look at yourself right now. This is so disgusting. Just do something with your life. Do anything.

Abbi:Abbi searches the apartment for Bevers. Long beat of silence. [04:23] Bevers? [04:31] Hello?

Abbi · Bevers:Hey, Abbi. — Bevers.

Bevers · Abbi:Hey, Abbi. — Bevers. [Abbi visibly horrified to see him at her gym]

Trey · Abbi · Bevers:You guys know each other? — You two boyfriend-girlfriend? — God, no. He's my roommate's boyfriend.

Trey · Abbi:(Slap) — Okay. Kinda inappropriate.

Bevers · Abbi:This is the only gym my friend Abbi works in, plus they provide free razors. — You have a beard.

Abbi:There are so many gyms in Astoria closer to our apartment, closer to my apartment.

Bevers · Abbi:I'm excited to do this with you, Abbi. We can take the subway here together. I'll break for lunch whenever you do. We help each other. — I don't need help, Bevers.

Bevers · Abbi · Trey:Oh! (Farts) I'm sorry. — Okay, I think we're done. — Abbi, if you farted, it's all right. — Trey, I did not just fart. — I moved his gluteus sensitive... — Yeah, that's a woman's fart.

Trey · Abbi:Abbi, motivate him, tell him how ripped he's gonna be. — So ripped. — Come on, be more specific. Paint a picture of how he's gonna look with words. — Uh, muscly, like on the top and then skinny stomach.

Trey · Abbi:Oh, and Abbi, could you clean up all this sweat. It's really stinky. — It's actually my lunch break. — Good call. It'll totally be here when you get back. But Abbi, hashtag get clean. Your farts don't smell healthy.

Abbi:I'm not a sir. — I wear a ponytail out one time.

Abbi:Okay, Maxinista, I think you left the size tag on it.

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana interrupts the nude modeling session to chat with Abbi, and Abbi reacts with delighted shock: 'Oh, my God, I'm a model?'

Abbi · Instructor:Instructor calls Abbi 'Ali' and Abbi corrects her — 'It's Abbi, remember, we talked about that' — even mid-cover-up.

Abbi · Co-worker:Abbi's co-worker says wisdom tooth removal photos gave her 'huge chipmunk cheeks' at prom, then Abbi says 'That's so cute' — then immediately suggests the surgery will 'make more room in my mouth, right?'

Abbi:Abbi immediately backtracks: 'No, I didn't mean, um, blow jobs.' Then doubles down: 'Although, if that is true, that it would make more room in my mouth. I didn't do them. I enjoy it both ways.'

Abbi:In fact, I'm getting a call, it's ringing. Busy day. Hello? One sec, Jeremy... just give me one... Yup? Well, my laundry is in the bag!

Abbi:Abbi, trying to escape the conversation, pretends to answer a call from 'Jeremy' about a laundry dispute, then her fake angry phone performance escalates into: 'So you better lawyer up, 'cause I'm gonna... kill myself right now.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana arrives at the dentist, cradles Abbi like a baby, calls herself 'Mommy Lani,' and hands Abbi a stuffed animal called 'Bingo Bronson that Mommy Lani got you.'

Abbi:Abbi, about to go under anesthesia, says 'Wow. I don't do anything for my people.'

Abbi:Abbi, post-surgery with gauze in her mouth, attempts a Drew Barrymore impression for Ilana.

Abbi:Abbi's Drew Barrymore impression: 'I love Jimmy Fallon. Um, I have my own makeup line... My production company, Flower Films, was founded in 1999 with the popular film, Whip It.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana feeds Abbi a Vicodin pill with the airplane-into-hangar bit: 'Okay, Abbi, this little airplane is going to come into the hangar. Yes... okay, now close the hangar.'

Abbi:Abbi, being braided, says 'Ow. I'm gonna get some scrunchies.' — then exits, apparently wandering off in a drug haze.

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana plays 'Would You Rather' with drugged Abbi: 'Would you rather lick a dead man's penis, or have sex with the same person for the rest of your life?' Abbi: 'Penis.'

Ilana · Abbi:'Would you rather eat ice cream for five hours straight, or shoot somebody in the knee?' Abbi: 'Knee.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana is telling Abbi not to message Jeremy — then we cut to Ilana apparently encouraging Abbi to leave Jeremy a love voicemail.

Abbi:Abbi, fully drugged, picks up her own phone and starts leaving Jeremy a voicemail declaring her feelings: 'You know what, Jeremy? I will say it again. I like you. I want us to go out and...'

Ilana · Lincoln · Abbi:Ilana has drawn a torso-face and Abbi, Lincoln, and Ilana try to figure out who it is. Extended bit where nobody knows, culminating in: 'Maybe Abbi'll know.'

Abbi:Wandering, high Abbi finds Whole Foods and calls it 'the most magical place in all the land.'

Abbi:Abbi, high and loose in Whole Foods, narrates her shopping: 'Hearts of palm! Abbi, buy me that. I love hearts of palm... Bulk granola! Buy me that... Manuka honey, so reasonably priced! Buy me that, Abbi!'

Abbi:Abbi instructs herself: 'Ooh, earth-friendly cereals. Knock 'em over, Abbi. They wanna be on the ground.'

Abbi:Abbi announces: 'Next up, probiotics, a Neti Pot and a bag of douche.'

Abbi:Abbi checks out $1,487.56 worth of Whole Foods items.

Abbi:After the purchase: 'Quick, let's get this into a bunker before the big one hits.'

Abbi:Abbi spots Ilana outside Whole Foods and screams 'Oh fuck, it's Strega Nona the weed witch!'

Abbi:Abbi: 'God dammit, my manuka honey!' — noticing she lost her $1,487 of groceries.

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi throws Bingo Bronson the stuffed animal at 'Strega Nona' as a defensive weapon. Ilana: 'I got you, Bingo Bronson!' Abbi: 'I love you, Bingo Bronson!'

Jeremy · Abbi:Jeremy confronts Abbi about her voicemail: 'That really long voice mail you left me where you asked me out.'

Abbi:Abbi tries to explain away the voicemail and then mimes answering a fake phone call: 'Hello? Hi. No, why would I throw up on my clothes? I'm not crazy... yeah, I am Jewish... it has nothing to do with it.'

Jeremy · Abbi · Ilana:Jeremy, Abbi, and Ilana all yell 'Listen!' over each other trying to get a word in, then Jeremy breaks through: 'I would love to go out with you on an official... thing.'

Abbi:After Jeremy leaves, Abbi processes: 'So, I guess I'll give you a call. Yeah, that was... yeah. Okay. Okay, ring her up... me.'

Ilana · Abbi:'Staph is not the real bad one, right?' / 'Yeah, it is.'

Abbi · Ilana · Bobbi:'Wait, I thought Little Richard was gay.' / 'Bisexual alien.' / 'No, bisexual alien.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'One time, I don't wear a condom and you tell your...' / Abbi: 'No! That's just how she says goodbye to people.'

Ilana · Bobbi · Abbi:Ilana and Bobbi admiring Abbi's butt as she walks away — Abbi: 'Talking about my butt?' Both: 'Yes.'

Abbi:Abbi, clearly about to say something profound: 'And sometimes death really makes me think about...' long pause '...Life.'

Jeremy · Abbi:Jeremy: 'My favorite TV show is Six Feet Under, so that's probably why.' / Abbi: 'You haven't seen Six Feet Under?!' / Jeremy: 'Oh, God. You're so lucky.'

Abbi · Jeremy:Jeremy wipes something off Abbi's face as a prelude to their first kiss — the camera cuts to Abbi's internal monologue: 'Oh my God, I'm kissing Jeremy.'

Jeremy · Abbi:Jeremy: 'Do you want to maybe switch? Mix it up a little?' — and then produces a strap-on

Abbi:(Whispering) 'It's a shinjo.'

Abbi:'Right in the butt.'

Abbi · Jeremy:Abbi misunderstands Jeremy's 'switch' as suggesting they swap partners — 'Oh, you just meant switch positions?'

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana: 'Dude, I'm freaking the fuck out right now. So we were doing it and I was like, we should switch positions, and then he throws me a strap-on.' [BEAT]

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'This is a dream come true. Thank you for sharing this with me.' / Abbi: 'Dude, I'm calling for advice.' / Ilana: 'Oh. Sorry.'

Clerk · Abbi:Sex shop clerk: 'You tried to wash a dildo in a dishwasher?' / Abbi: 'I did indeed.'

Bobbi · Abbi:Bobbi inspects Abbi's bag at the Shiva: 'Ooh, this is a nice bag. Italian leather? ... Let me see... I'll be the judge of that.' / Abbi deflects; Bobbi: 'Abbi Anna Abrams! My mother's freshly dead! Now let me look at this lining!'

Abbi:Abbi: 'I pegged. Yeah, I pegged, but I kind of did it for Grandma Esther, you know? In a way.'

Abbi:Abbi to the friend who farted: 'I promise I will never, ever tell anybody about your fart. I love you.'

Jeremy · Abbi:Jeremy retrieves a replacement dildo he bought for Abbi — 'it's not my dildo' — and Abbi's reaction

Abbi · Jeremy:Abbi: 'Mine was a shinjo.' / Jeremy: '$79, I feel it could get the job done.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'It's a shinjo. And that's like a cheap knockoff.'

Jeremy · Abbi:Jeremy: 'You like your stuff to be specialty and curated. I get it.' / Abbi: 'Like what?' / Jeremy: 'Like, the cider beer, the cardamom? You have a kimono area.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'Bragging about not judging something just means that you think it should be judged.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'I fucked you in the ass the first night that we did anything, okay? I think that's pretty fucking mature. Plus, you're throwing, like, a temper tantrum 'cause you don't have your specialty leather-blown dildo or whatever.'

Jeremy · Abbi:Jeremy: 'Leather is tanned! It's not blown, like glass.' / Abbi: 'Oh, I'm sorry, I'm not a leathersmith.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'The only reason I pegged you in the first place is because Ilana's grandmother died and she fucked Little Richard.'

Abbi · Jeremy:Real mature! / Also, a fucking ton of people play that song and love it! / Headphones.

Ilana · Abbi:Maybe even, I don't know... Girl holes? / I'm not pegging you, dude. / You gotta stop bringing it up.

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana FaceTimes Abbi to reveal a nose ring, Abbi's first reaction is 'that's very hot and 2004 of you'

Abbi:Abbi reveals she 'stayed in and organized her life' by reinforcing boob buttons on button-downs and wiping down every surface of her apartment

Abbi:Abbi also 'combined all the weed remnants to make one giant super blunt'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana's parting shot: 'Ugh, yeah, try not to pierce your pussy while I'm gone' followed by Abbi's 'Ew, what? Did you just leave?'

Trey · Abbi:Trey says 'You're fired' to Abbi on her first day training a new cleaner, then immediately says 'I'm kidding, bazinga'

Abbi:After Trey describes the barf-ball disaster, Abbi says 'It's actually not a dust brush job' — correcting the tool categorization for a barf-covered bouncing exercise ball

Abbi:Abbi says 'I don't think he really wants me there. I feel like it was like, a pity invite' about Trey's party

Abbi · Coworker (Gemma):'I mean, I'm pretty sure I'm not funny...' / 'Oh my God, you are so weird. I love it.'

Abbi:Abbi's reaction: 'Uh... rea... cool.' — clearly flustered and not knowing how to respond

Abbi:Abbi asks 'Why does Trey live next to Port Authority?' while they walk to the party

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi says she'll use the party to 'finally spill the beans' to Trey about wanting to be an instructor/trainer; Ilana responds 'Hell yeah, dude, carpe damn'

Abbi · Ilana · Trey:Trey hosts a party that turns out to be a tiny, lame gathering — the visual of Abbi and Ilana walking in and immediately needing to leave

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana says Abbi is being 'intolerant' for wanting to leave; Abbi gasps

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'Ilana, you're being... intolerant.' — then Trey arrives

Abbi:Abbi says unprompted: 'I would definitely rather turn into a little old man than a little old woman, but I'm not going to be able to help it'

Abbi · Coworker (Gemma):Gemma asks 'Do you ever straighten your hair, though?' and Abbi clarifies 'Wait, do you mean my head hair?'

Trey · Abbi:Trey's 'Pick a hand' game where no matter which hand you pick, you watch 'The Apprentice All-Stars'

Abbi · Trey:Abbi tells Trey she has a tapeworm to get out of the party

Abbi:Abbi escalates the tapeworm lie: 'I feel like it's moving and like, now it's in my bu... uh... It's in my butt... now.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana's party-rating system: 'This party is a seven. We could be missing out on a 10.' Abbi: 'Yeah, but we leave and we end up at a six?'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana seriously discuss suicide methods: 'I'd shoot you in the face and shoot myself in the heart.' 'Why would you shoot me in the face?' 'It's nice, you'd die instantly.' 'Well, then shoot me in the head, not in the face.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'Why would you shoot me in the face?' / Ilana: 'It's nice, you'd die instantly.' / Abbi: 'Well, then shoot me in the head, not in the face.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana holds up a cornichon next to her face: 'Don't I look like a giant?' / Abbi: 'That is so weird. I was just googling micropenises this morning and they look exactly like that. All lumpy and—'

Abbi · Ilana:'Come on, don't ruin cornichons for me. You saw I was enjoying this.' / 'Okay, don't ruin micropenises for me.' / 'Touché.'

Ilana · Abbi:'The Narnia of partias is still out there and we're going to find it.' / 'Did you just say Narnia of partias?'

Ilana · Abbi · others:The extended 'Rent' discourse: 'Do you guys know that play 'Rent'? I don't understand how they thought that they just didn't need to pay rent, like, at all.' / 'I know, it's like, it sucks, but everybody has to pay rent.'

Trey · Abbi:Trey calling to tell Abbi he saw her Instagram at a party with 'a drink on your head' — while she claimed to be in the hospital with a tapeworm

Abbi · Trey:Abbi's cover story: 'It was a throwback Thursday pic that I put up.' / 'But it's Friday.' / 'I'm just stupid.'

Abbi:After Ilana hangs up, Abbi says 'I'm sorry. That guy did not sound qualified.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'All right, I agree.' — agreeing with the decision to go to the rooftop party after initially resisting

Ilana · Abbi:Morning after: Ilana singing 'No mo' FOMO' while Abbi has absolutely no memory of Val

Abbi:It's 6:45 AM. Abbi realizes she has work at 7. 'I guess I'm just gonna go to work right now then.'

Abbi · Unknown:Abbi gets out of the cab, coughs, and someone says 'Classic Val'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana grabs Abbi's nose ring area: 'Hold on, I think my nose ring is here.' Abbi: 'Don't touch it!'

Security Guard · Abbi · Ilana:Security guard pretends to be a record producer to get Abbi and Ilana to stop drumming, then immediately deflates the setup

Ilana · Abbi:"Sometimes it's the less you know, though... you know?" followed by Abbi's flat "No."

Abbi · Ilana:Watching the dog wedding e-vite video and declaring it 'a masterpiece'

Abbi:"Why is that shot in there? It's animated, it didn't need to be in there at all."

Abbi · Ilana:Judge Judy's net worth is bleeped — the number is so large it's treated as profanity

Ilana · Abbi:"I'm gonna 'gram it. No filter." — followed by the 'Whoa...' beat implying the phone sucks them into a vortex

Ilana · Abbi:"Jesus, I forgot you were in the (Bleep) room! Holy (Bleep), dude, how did we forget that we were here together?"

Abbi:The rollerblades are Jaime's, acquired after Hurricane Wanda for 'future emergencies'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana negotiating how to fill Ilana's oversized rollerblades — 'sponges, cotton balls, newspaper around my negative space in my foot'

Ilana · Abbi:The blades actually fit Ilana — 'They fit me. They're a little snug, actually.' — followed by Abbi's deflated 'That's cool... That's cool... Yeah. That's cool.'

Abbi · Ilana:Neither of them knows where the dog wedding is — they don't have their phones

Abbi:"I miss the blue light. Ooh, I wanna marry the blue light."

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi being peer-pressured into yelling 'Wanna foooook?' in the park

Abbi:Abbi falls while rollerblading immediately after the 'fook' success — 'My first impression is always better on Tinder. I suck without the Internet, dude.'

Abbi · Ilana:The 'bail! bail!' sequence — Ilana and Abbi discover they can't stop their rollerblades and bail off-road into a ditch/hole

Ilana · Abbi:'What if I jump down in there, and then we scream for help together?' / 'No, you need to go get help.'

Ilana · Abbi:Abbi stuck in a hole — Ilana's emergency kit is 'two joints, nuts and figs, and a lanyard'

Abbi · Ilana:"You mean gimp?" / "You wanna argue about what it's called right now? You, in the hole?"

Abbi:"I don't want these figs. I don't like the little beads in 'em."

Abbi · Ilana:"Wait, Ilana. [pause] Yeah? [pause] I do want the figs."

Abbi:Abbi's pain-induced fantasy sequence — she imagines herself 'down the shore with my family', then escalates to increasingly glamorous scenarios with celebrities

Abbi:"Sir... I'm afraid we're never gonna get out of this place."

Abbi:'Sir... I'm afraid we're never gonna get out of this place.'

Ilana · Abbi:"Dude, I was gone for like 25 minutes. Half-hour tops. / It felt like a lot longer."

Lincoln · Abbi · Lincoln:"I'm practically a doctor." / "But you're not." / "I am a doctor, and I have a lot of experience with sprains and breaks." / "No offense, but it's more like you drain fluid from their butt sacks."

Abbi · Lincoln:The wedding ring conversation — 'You'll get them when the swelling goes down.' / '48 hours.' / 'In about one to two weeks.'

Abbi:Final shot: Abbi, in an ambulance, eating a fig and saying 'Fig!'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana gasp simultaneously and in unison at Jaime's fake bad news

Abbi:Abbi's flat 'Yeah... mine didn't' in response to Ilana's speech about ancestors passing through Ellis Island

Abbi:Abbi introduces herself to the boat list-checker as 'Hello, I am Abbi Abrams, thank you' — overly formal, already performing

Abbi:Abbi: 'How are you possibly reading all the names? You're going so fast.' — as the bouncer rapidly scans his list

Abbi:Abbi pretends to have an assistant named 'Chrissy' and loudly berates her in front of the bouncer to explain why her plus-three wasn't confirmed

Abbi:Abbi: 'Just please don't hit me in front of everybody.' Then immediately: 'Your mom died two weeks ago, Chrissy! Get your shit together!'

Abbi:Abbi sadly waves goodbye to the balloons that can't come on the boat: 'Bye-bye, balloons.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'I'm sure she'll be so happy you told us.' — after Bevers announces Melody is taking a doody

Abbi:Abbi: 'They don't let murderers be captains.' — delivered as a genuine refutation

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana exchange looks after 'The captain is a murderer' — implied beat of incredulous silence before following him anyway

Abbi · Ilana · Bevers:They get locked in the storage room immediately after finding the liquor

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'No, it's fire, you yell fire.' — Ilana immediately: 'Oh, fine. Fire!'

Bevers · Abbi:Bevers: 'Sorry, Abbi, I broke your Starbucks gift card.' / Abbi: 'Bevers, I still had $17 on that.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'What is this, the 2400-point SAT?' after Bevers does drink math

Abbi · Ilana:'Kill, fuck, marry' with Captain Morgan, Jack Daniels, Svedka vodka, and... robot

Abbi · Unknown:Abbi eating food off a surface without asking what it is — '[Abbi], I don't think anybody washed those.'

Bevers · Abbi:Bevers: 'Besides, we already live together.' / Abbi: 'No, you do not live together. You have your own apartment.' / Bevers: 'Jesus!'

Abbi:Abbi: 'Does this mean that you'd be moving out?' — with clear emotional investment in the answer

Bevers · Abbi:Bevers asks Abbi to be his best man. Abbi's reaction: 'Bevers, you have four brothers.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'Or it's not, Ilana.' — flat counter to the government-mandated monogamy speech

Abbi:Abbi: 'I don't know.' — responding to 'why did my ancestors even come here'

Abbi:Abbi offers pragmatic solution: 'Why don't you just have sex with Lincoln? And then you're back to being friends, right?'

Abbi:Abbi and Jaime find someone having sex in the bathroom and announce 'Hey! There are people fucking in here! Rude!'

Abbi:Abbi to Bevers before the mic: 'Yes, you can, you can marry Melody and you can build a life that is completely outside of my apartment.'

Abbi:Abbi at the mic, after the crowd cheers her transition announcement: 'Okay, yeah... It's true. Uh... I'm becoming a man! I am becoming... a man!'

Abbi:Implication: 'All the lawyers are now into me.'

Abbi:Abbi reports back: 'All the lawyers are now into me.' — deadpan, after her transgender announcement

Bevers · Abbi:Bevers: 'Because of you. You and Ilana made me realize we shouldn't be getting married yet. We're too young.' — then: 'So, you told everyone I'm transitioning into becoming a man.'

Abbi:Abbi's speech to Melody through bathroom door goes on — then she pivots mid-speech to: 'Like, listen, I think we need to actually schedule a time to talk about that, just the two of us, 'cause he just eats all of my stuff.'

Abbi:Abbi eats cold fries from the bathroom floor — 'Good, 'cause they're from last night. Someone left them on the floor in the bathroom.'

Abbi · Interviewer:Job interviewer says a 'fucking idiot' could put wristbands on people; Abbi responds 'Oh, I'm a... I'm a huge fucking idiot' as a sincere pitch for her own qualifications

Abbi:Abbi threatens 'You're gonna rue the day' after being rejected for a wristband job

Abbi:'I'm just going to be digging out other people's pubes till I'm a great-grandmother'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana says 'Amber alert. Urgency.' as her phone sign-off, then hangs up without giving Abbi any of the details she needs

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana watching porn in a coffee shop with a child present — Abbi's horrified 'Ilana, I'm not watching porn in here'

Abbi:Abbi: 'Whoa, I just usually Google "porn".' — as a confessional reaction to Ilana's elaborate search taxonomy

Ilana · Abbi:Discovery reveal: 'Oh my god, Trey is in a porn! Kirk Steele? Hold on—' — the reveal that Abbi's boss is a porn star, followed by Abbi's panicked repetition

Abbi:Abbi: 'So before Trey was my boss, he was a porn star? So I'm taking orders from a porn star.'

Abbi · Trey:Abbi fakes illness to avoid cleaning: 'I gotta relax before I teach the 12:30 kick ass kettle bell class' — she has no such class; Trey's confused 'What are you talking about right now?'

Abbi · Trey:Abbi performs an extended, disgusting throat-clearing as part of her fake illness: 'Whoa, that is a lot of phlegm, isn't it?'

Abbi · Trey:Trey: 'Abbi, that trick is for after hours, okay?' followed by Abbi's quietly devastating '...Kirk?'

Trey · Abbi:Trey's office is revealed to be a storage closet containing Abbi's personal items — he insists 'it's your office, all your stuff's in here'

Abbi:Abbi's defeated capitulation: 'Fine, it's my fucking office.'

Trey · Abbi:Trey offers to go down on Abbi in exchange for her silence: 'What do you want, money?' / 'No.' / 'I'll go down on you right now.' / 'No, what?'

Abbi · Trey:Abbi's actual ask: 'I want to teach the 12:30 kick ass kettle bell class.' Trey: 'We can start there. That's Gemma's class.' Abbi: 'I don't care.'

Abbi · Trey:Trey: 'Look, can't I just go down on you?' Abbi: 'No, stop it.' Trey: 'I think it would be in your best interest—' Abbi: 'Kirk.'

Abbi:Abbi attempts to demonstrate kettle bell form and immediately causes a disaster — 'I don't know what just happened with my body. It's like I literally have zero upper body strength.'

Abbi:Abbi attempts to demonstrate kettle bell form, immediately drops the weight and apparently smashes a $1400 mirror.

Trey · Abbi:Trey: 'I have a kid.' Abbi: 'What, you do?' Trey: 'Probably! I mean, a paternity suit could pop up at any time.'

Trey · Abbi:Trey: 'Please, Abbi, I have a kid.' Abbi: 'What, you do?' Trey: 'Probably! I mean, a paternity suit could pop up at any time.'

Abbi:Abbi's internal debate about raising $700: 'Sell mushroom chocolates! No, I can't do that. Can't get back in the game. Just got my record expunged.'

Abbi:Abbi on her art: 'It's brilliant, but no one understands it.'

Abbi:Abbi's reason for selling clothes: 'I get compliments.' — her full justification

Abbi · Oliver · Buyer:The Beacon's Closet scene — Oliver and Abbi bonding as the buyer makes unimpressed faces at clothes Abbi is clearly emotionally attached to

Abbi · Oliver:Abbi watching Oliver try to walk in her heels: 'But honestly, your legs look amazing. As well as my tukas?' — Oliver correcting her: 'It's tucchus, but I am loving it, brother.'

Abbi:Abbi's dead aunt's apothecary bag story: 'She was a flight attendant. She died in that plane crash. It was terrible over the midwest.' — gets $20 cash offer.

Abbi · Buyer:The buyer's 'apothecary bag' assessment: '$226' — Abbi having sold everything including the deceased aunt's bag for $20 total, then finds the bag worth $226

Abbi:Abbi sells her art at a street table — her description: 'Celebrity's favourite foods. Original pieces, people! Bitch's gotta buy a mirror here.'

Ilana · Abbi:Art negotiation: Ilana offers $2 for two $40 paintings — 'I meant $2.00.' — and Abbi says 'No way' then immediately says 'okay let's do it'

Abbi · Customer:The celebrity food art itself is revealed: Ron Howard's favourite food is shrimp cocktail; Bruce Springsteen's is a tomato because he's from Jersey

Customer · Abbi:Angry customer: 'Is it that unbelievable? Forty doll... I give $40, I'm gonna get a little more than artwork from you over there, sweet cheeks.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'Why don't you fuck my fucking dick?' — aggressive non-sequitur response to the customer's pass

Abbi · Ilana · Beacon's Closet Employee:Abbi and Ilana return to Beacon's Closet with designer clothes; the worker at first doesn't recognize them ('Remember me?') and the Pretty Woman reference begins

Abbi · Ilana:The Pretty Woman callback: Abbi and Ilana return to Beacon's with better clothes — 'Remember me?' / 'Big mistake. Big. Huge.'

Abbi · Ilana:'Big mistake. Big. Huge.' [Pretty Woman reference]

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi celebrates '$13,000 in store credit' — Ilana immediately: 'Dude, I need the money.'

Abbi · Buyer:Abbi asks what her dead aunt's apothecary bag is now priced at in the store: '$226.' Beat. 'Wonderful.'

Abbi:Abbi's parting shot: 'By the way... I know that shirt's from Forever 21. You're not kidding anybody.'

Abbi · Trey:The mirror installation scene — Abbi and Trey wrestling with the mirror in the dark gym after hours

Abbi · Trey:Abbi and Trey installing the mirror after hours. Trey: 'Looks good.' Abbi: 'Yeah. They're not gonna know, right?' Trey: 'No one will ever notice.' [Cut to the clearly crooked mirror]

Trey · Abbi:Trey ambushes a nearly-asleep Abbi: 'Not so fast, muchacha. I need you right here.' — there's no pube situation, but she has to teach a class

Abbi:'This is a bazinga. I swear, I've lost all respect for you, Trey.' — Abbi uses 'bazinga' to call out a fake-out

Abbi · Class:Abbi's class speech: 'What's up, guys? Are you ready to rise to your potential?' — the class responds with enthusiastic 'Yeah! Let's do this!'

Abbi:The Kirk Steele workout class: Abbi channels Kirk Steele's porn persona, introducing herself as 'I'm Kirk Steele. I'm 18, I'm from Orlando, Florida and my favorite movie is Garden State. Are you ready to explore the infinite abyss?'

Abbi:Mid-workout, Abbi as Kirk Steele: 'When I grow up I either want to be a stunt choreographer or I want to work with kids with MS.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana sniffing a coat: 'Who cares?' / 'I go to sleep dreaming about caffeine enemas.'

Ilana · Abbi:FaceTime from the bathroom exchange — Ilana asks Abbi to FaceTime her from the bathroom; Abbi says 'Yeah.' Then adds 'Just switch to wifi.' Ilana: 'Okay, I was kidding.'

Abbi:Abbi nervously says 'I'm also working the event tonight. Coat check. Working for the man, right?' to a stranger, then laughs weakly

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi's correction — 'No, they're supposed to be on the hangers with the corresponding coat' — and Ilana's response: 'Thank you for always encouraging me to follow my heart. I love you.'

Waiter · Abbi:Waiter offering cheesecake to Abbi in the middle of the coat chaos: 'Ladies? Any cheesecake?'

Abbi · two guests:Marc Jacobs peacoat dispute: 'Small or medium?' / Both women: 'Small.' / Abbi: 'It's medium.'

Abbi:Chanel trick question: 'Who's got the Chanel jacket? Mine! That was a trick question. There is no Chanel. Do not play me, guys! Not today!'

Abbi:'Be cool. Be cool. Be yourself, but be cool.' — Abbi's internal monologue

Abbi:'Okay, I'm just getting Kelly Ripa's coat.' — Abbi, said to nobody

Abbi:Abbi finds the last coat and commits to finding Kelly Ripa's coat, including 'And by we, I mean me'

Abbi · Kelly Ripa:Abbi compliments Kelly Ripa's handwriting: 'Your handwriting is really beautiful.' Kelly: 'It's like a seven-year-old.' Abbi: '...' Kelly: 'I've had a few.'

Abbi:Abbi's celebrity fan spiral to Kelly Ripa: 'Thank you for your talent and for your role modelness and just being like, for being, you know...' then THUD

Ilana · Abbi:'(Gasping) Oh, my God... Empty lounge chairs! There's never empty lounge chairs!' — the sighting and immediate sprint

Abbi:Abbi: 'Not too soon, please.' — responding to 'Then I can die whenever'

Maureen's Ex · Abbi · Ilana:Maureen's ex refuses to return the coat because he's 'an enormous Kelly Ripa fan,' leading to a standoff over the coat.

Maureen's ex · Abbi · Ilana:Maureen's ex refuses to give up Kelly Ripa's coat because he's an 'enormous Kelly Ripa fan' — and the standoff escalates

Abbi · Ilana · Maureen's ex:Abbi threatens to smash the Civil War pistol / Ilana pulls a gun and is told: 'The pistol doesn't shoot, honey. It's a 1782 Ketland flintlock. It's priceless 'cause my father gave it to me, but it will not shoot.'

Abbi:'The only reason I met Lincoln is because you forgot you were with him one time.'

Abbi:Abbi meets Adele and discovers she looks exactly like her: 'Dude, uh, she looks exactly like you.'

Abbi:Abbi at Kelly Ripa's: 'No, it was the perfect amount of troubles.'

Abbi · Kelly Ripa:Abbi and Kelly Ripa both: 'Yeah, I practically live there.' about Bed Bath and Beyond coupons

Abbi:Abbi: 'I love a cappella.' — misunderstanding capoeira

Kelly Ripa · Abbi:'You a 28HH? / Yeah, you got it. / Weird. Me too.' — bra size exchange

Kelly Ripa · Abbi:Kelly's rent-controlled prank: 'It's rent controlled. I only pay 600 bucks a month.' / 'Really?' / 'Of course not! Prank! I love pranks!'

Abbi · Kelly Ripa:Abbi sees her own arm tattoo and thinks it's Ripa's: 'Oh, my God. Do we have the same exact tattoo?' / 'No, that's your arm.' / 'Oh, right. Right, right, right.'

Abbi · Kelly Ripa:Kelly's bedroom scene: lights off request — 'Oh, but I wanna see your cute little face.' / 'Cool.' — followed by awkward positioning

Abbi · Kelly Ripa:'What, uh, what, uh... / Oh, don't worry. It'll just give us trippier visuals. Buckle up, buttercup. You only live once, right?'

Kelly Ripa · Abbi:'What's wrong? Too much teeth?' / 'No, the biting was dope.'

Abbi · Kelly Ripa:Kelly is offered a joint: 'Oh, no. I don't smoke pot.' Then immediately takes the biggest hit possible.

Abbi · Kelly Ripa:'Seriously, you have to pull me harder 'cause I can't even get into a full pretzel like this.' / 'What do you mean? What is a pretzel? Why are we doing this?' / 'Stretch.'

Abbi:Abbi's escape: 'I, like, haven't waxed my body in a long time, you know? So like, I gotta, I gotta be going.'

Abbi:'You know, maybe I should have fucked the prostitute. I mean, he was actually kind of hot in like, a scary way.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'Listen, if a prostitute's what you want, I can make that happen.' / 'Really?' / 'Yeah. That'd be insane. That'd be, like, so badass. I can make the call. They could get here in 25 minutes.'

Abbi · Ilana:'You were going with it!' / 'I just wanted to see what would happen!'

Abbi:'Do you know someone you could call to make the call?'

Abbi:23 was pretty great for me, I mean, it's the year I met you.

Abbi · Ilana · Tree Man:Tree man jumpscare — a man in a tree costume startles them repeatedly.

Abbi:He needs a little bell. Or like, a personal triangle he's playing all the time.

Abbi · Ilana:This is the exact opposite reason why restaurants exist at all. Why not just eat at home? I don't have a table.

Street Man · Abbi · Ilana:A man on the street tells them they should smile. Immediate scene cut.

Ilana · Abbi:My people plan for death, Abbi. / I'm Jewish too. / Okay, but you're a mainline Jew. New York Jews wake up every day just thinking about how they're going to die.

Abbi · Ilana:I think about death. / Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex.

Abbi · Ilana:You wrote your will on a napkin? / I made copies, obviously.

Abbi · Ilana:Hold up... you gave me power of attorney? I need you to be able to fight against my killer or whatever, and then option the rights.

Abbi · Ilana:Are you talking about the Beanie Babies? / With the flamingo one?

Abbi · Ilana · Host:Little Wayne, party of two. / Oh my god, Weezy's here. He is so real. / No, that's us. We… are Little Wayne.

Chris · Abbi · Ilana:I get so confused on Facebook. / Me too! Like, how it works. What are all the numbers and the things? / I know! I don't know what they go with.

Chris · Abbi · Ilana:I'm really sad you guys missed my last solo performance. / We're so sorry that happened. / We don't even know you guys that well.

Waiter · Abbi · Chris:We can push your tables together and then maybe you can talk a little bit quieter. / No, please don't. / That's a great idea! Yes!

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana knocks her wine bottle off the table, covers herself in wine, and uses this as an excuse to immediately leave.

Abbi · Waiter:Wait, you can't leave with an open container. / *Abbi chugs the remaining wine from the bottle*

Sommelier · Abbi:The sommelier stops Abbi in the street and tastes/identifies the wine from her clothes.

Homeless Man · Ilana · Abbi:Where are the leftovers? / It was honestly too annoying. We didn't even order. / Wow, too annoying? Must be nice. Must. Be. Nice.

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana's silent wide-eyed reaction to the man's phone call.

Abbi · Ilana:I feel like every city has a parrot dude. / You ever see the guy with the cat on his head? / Wonder if it ever touches the ground. If it does, that would be disgusting. / Imagine if those two guys met. I think the parrot would win.

Abbi · Ilana:Why would you want to get buried in a wig? / It's the last time people get to see you. Yeah, exactly, I want to look dope as [bleep] at my funeral.

Ilana · Abbi:Everyone has to go to Six Flags, my treat. / That is genius! You can't be upset at Six Flags, you can't.

Abbi:You can even 'Weekend at Bernie's' me, but Ilana — no log flume, for real.

Ilana · Abbi:How am I going to Bernie you if I'm already dead? / No, I'm obviously dying first. / No, the husband always dies first. / First of all, we're not married. Second of all, I'm the wife? / You're the other husband.

Abbi:I'm getting this because I look like I've been stabbed. I look like I'm mid-death.

Abbi · Ilana:You are seriously beautiful, like, really, really beautiful. / No, you are.

Abbi:Stop, we're the FBI, bitch!

Ilana · Abbi:My wig! / Leave it, leave it!

Abbi:Hopefully no one will take that.

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi straddling a fence while Ilana goes back through the kitchen — both breathlessly discussing the plan.

Abbi · Ilana:I'm just going to grab... / I'm sorry your son sucks so hard.

Abbi:I wonder if they own or rent.

Abbi · Ilana · Tree Man:Tree Man returns Ilana's wig. 'You're like the giving tree in real life.'

Abbi · Ilana:It's a squirrel sleeping bag, unzipped. / Yes, it is.

Ilana · Abbi:I'm proud that I finally felt a prostate. / It's tricky.

Abbi · Ilana:I finally finished 'Damages,' so good. / I really think you need to reconsider TV.

Abbi:I pegged. Like... ow! Really outside of my comfort level.

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi's proud moments: 'I finally finished Damages, so good.' Ilana: 'I really think you need to reconsider TV.'

Abbi:I finally masturbated above the covers without my eyes being closed. That was a really big journal entry.

Abbi · Ilana:When I figured out my eyebrows. They're sisters, they're not twins. Right. Need to be treated as such.

Abbi:I want to do one legit pull-up, for real this time.

Abbi:I really want to keep a plant alive for more than two weeks.

Abbi · Bevers:What the fuck, Bevers? / I'm sorry.

Abbi · Hostess:The hostess calls 'Abbo' twice while Abbi stands right there correcting her: 'Do you mean Abbi?'

Abbi · Hostess:Hostess: 'We can't seat you unless you're all together. Unless you're here just by yourself.' Then gives Abbi a pitying 'Aww.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'You just would not have wanted to see me if I hadn't masturbated.' Both women react with 'Oh... no!' while looking at something in the street

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi drops her keys down a sewer grate — 'There's no way you're gonna reach the bottom'

Abbi · Ilana:Women passionately discuss the injustice of Saudi women needing written permission from 'keepers' to leave the house — then immediately discover the bottomless mimosas are off the menu and react with equal or greater outrage

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi does impressions at Ilana's request — German, Australian, Spanish — then Ilana asks for Chinese and Abbi refuses: 'It's 2016, dude.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana refers to Abbi's college roommate as 'Smelly pussy Donna' — and Abbi's response: 'No, and I'm still sorry that I told you that.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana calls Time Out New York 'TONY' and Abbi has to explain what TONY stands for — Ilana: 'Love it.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana describes Abbi as 'sexy and vivacious and artsy and like, young wife material, but, like, taut, and teasy still. It's a perfect combo.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'It's okay. It's, like, urban. Like Urban Outfitters.' Ilana: 'Got it.'

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana produces a piece of gum to fish the dropped key from the sewer grate; Abbi is disgusted: 'Gum is so repulsive. It is cow cud.'

Abbi · Ilana:A train passes while they're fishing in the grate, knocking them both over

Abbi · Host:The host catches Abbi lying about being a customer: 'You just said it was in an hour.' Abbi: 'Caught you, pretty girl.'

Abbi · Ilana · Hostess:The bathroom standoff — 'If you came here two months ago, that just makes you entitled to piss here whenever you'd like?'

Abbi:Abbi: 'We will never be patrons at this place ever again. Unless we're planning a birthday, because the garden is perfect for large parties.'

Abbi · Woman:Woman at the pop-up: 'That's my old shirt.' Abbi: 'Yeah, sure it is, bitch.' Then immediately: 'I don't like the energy here.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'Why does this fuck always happen to me? It's like... I don't know. My therapist doesn't know either.'

Abbi:Abbi nearly gets hit by something outside: 'What the fuck?' Then: 'My therapist is gonna love this one.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'God, cops scare the fuck out of me, and I'm white.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'Yeah, uh, pretty good. Also, they think I stole this, the cops are coming.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana and Abbi try to board CitiBikes while Ilana still has the chain around her waist; elaborate, stuttering boarding sequence: 'A few steps, and then we start a pedal. One second. Few steps, and then we start a'pedaling. Dassit.'

Abbi · Ilana · Driver:Immediately after mounting the bikes with great ceremony, someone yells 'Fuck you!' at them from a car

Abbi:A YouTube video tutorial for removing a security tag lists: 'First, tape the back of the tag... Next, you're gonna want a hacksaw. A hammer. A vice. Some heavy duty pliers.' The character: 'Well, I don't have a vice. I don't have any of that stuff.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'Do you know Steve Jobs stunk and cried all the time?' / Ilana: 'I did not.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana sees a 'Men Working' construction sign and says 'Ugh, men working. A woman-free zone. Just another sign, literally, of women's oppression.' — until Abbi points out she's actually talking about the port-a-potty

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana's chain gets caught as the port-a-potty is lowered, and she's dragged away on the back of the truck — Abbi realizes and runs after it: 'Ilana! Abbi! I mean, Ilana!'

Abbi:Abbi runs after the truck and tells the driver: 'My friend is stuck on the back of your truck. Also, what, are you watching porn while you drive?'

Abbi · Driver:Driver: 'You're the one wearing the stolen shirt.' Abbi: 'Okay, it's not stolen.' / Driver: 'I'm letting her out. Why don't you just finish? If you can.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi helps Ilana off the truck; Ilana: 'Let's get married.' Abbi: 'What?' Ilana: 'What? No, you said something.' Abbi: 'No.' Ilana: 'Okay.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi discovers Ilana has urinated on herself while being dragged. Ilana: 'I did.' / Abbi: 'Okay... It's okay. It'll dry. It's sterile.'

Abbi:'Oh, Bike-el Jackson. No one took you.'

Max Anne · Abbi · Ilana:Donna reveal: Donna was Max Anne's other roommate who stole all her clothes — including 'the sweater my grandmother made me.' / Abbi: 'Shut up.' / Max Anne: 'I mean, who steals clothes? Honestly? Trashy.' / Abbi: '...Trashy... Person.'

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana: 'We gotta get this thing off me. She's gonna think I stole all her fucking clothes.' / 'My therapist is gonna have a field day.'

Max Anne · Abbi · Ilana:Max Anne walks in on Ilana apparently biting Abbi's shirt while Abbi is wearing it — screams 'No!' and interprets it as Abbi stealing her clothes

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana are being literally chased out of the gallery; Ilana gets stuck on 'the balls' (presumably a sculpture or installation) and Abbi: 'Ilana... Get off the balls.'

Ilana · Abbi:'It is a magnet. Help me now.' / 'Use your upper body strength.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'Ilana, can you just, like, suck your titties in a little bit?' / Ilana: 'If I had control over my titties like that, I'd make them the same size.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi's attempt to remove the chain becomes increasingly strenuous — 'Come on, gravity, you fucking bitch!' — with dialogue ('Oh, my God! / God! / Jesus, Ab! / I'm trying... My hand's in. / Oh, it's happening. / Yes! / God! / Jesus!') escalating to apparent climax as the chain is removed

Ilana · Abbi:After the chain comes off with great effort and noise, Ilana: 'Tell me that isn't sexual.' / Abbi: 'You're bleeding, dude.'

Abbi · Ilana:You can't talk to us like that. Yeah, we're your elders.

Abbi:How did he know we were going to the bra store?

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana actually play basketball against the harasser — and apparently win, scoring on him

Abbi · Ilana:You know, I'm not even a huge macaroon girl, and churros are just, like, you know, hit or miss for me, but the combination of... / Too early.

Ilana · Abbi:Oh, wowee, yeah, whoa, whoa... / Dude, I just said you're going to the doctor. / No, I can't think about it. Lifestyle.

Abbi · Ilana:Oh, yes, Gaga. / Yes.

Abbi:You know what, I would love to live a day in your shoes. That sounds really fun and very easy.

Ilana · Abbi:Not literally in my shoes, 'cause I'm a size five and... / Yeah, I understand. / Okay. I'm gonna just end it there. / Squished 11!

Abbi · Someone:So, wait. All porn is kiddie porn? / Basically, all entertainment is porn. It's like, everywhere.

Abbi-as-Ilana · Abbi · Craig:Ab, this is Craig. / A guy. [beat as Craig registers being introduced as just 'a guy']

Abbi:Hi, I'm Abbi. / I love pugs. / My family comes from a long line of colonial Jews.

Craig · Abbi:On the count of three, your favorite Phish album. One, two, three. 'Rift'! / [pause] / Sorry.

Abbi:Hello? / It's my doctor with the X-rays. / What?! / No, I don't need a labia reduction, I was just asking about it. And I'm gonna make a call to the Better Business Bureau.

Abbi:I've been pretending to be Ilana. I'm really Abbi. Hi. / Wait, what? / All that stuff I said about Abbi, that's me. I'm her. Abbi. I'm an artist, okay? I love Phish. I wear full-length shirts. This isn't me. This is me.

Craig · Abbi:You impersonated someone to cover a shift at the co-op? / Technically, that is... how I would explain it.

Craig · Abbi:The Abbi I've been hearing about all day would never do something like this. / She would, 'cause I did, for my best friend.

Abbi · Craig:'Cavern.' I love that song. / Every 46 minutes of it.

Abbi · Craig:How slick was that labia mention, right? / Yeah. How slick.

Abbi · Lori:Guess I didn't read the fine print. / There it is, okay.

Abbi · Lori:I'm sorry, but are you... breastfeeding? / The power of co-op produce has made me fertile into my 50s and beyond.

Lori · Abbi · Lori:Don't try and butter me up, I'm a vegan. / No butter. / I just got it.

Abbi · Elderly Students:The aerobics/water aerobics class devolves into a full dramatic reenactment of The Sandlot's pool scene, with Abbi and her elderly students acting out Squints faking drowning to kiss Wendy Peffercorn

Squints-type elderly student · Abbi:A creepy old male student to Abbi: 'I know how to do it without popping your cherry. Your husband will never suspect on your wedding night.'

Trey · Abbi:Trey compliments Abbi smelling like chlorine and describes his locker decoration philosophy as a 'vision board' — then trails off completely

Trey · Abbi:Trey and Abbi simultaneously say 'Zen out' and then do an extended jinx ritual ('Jinx! / Jinx! / I was gonna say jinx. / Oh. We're buds. / Zen out jinx!')

Trey · Abbi:Trey: 'Oh, Abbi. I love you.' Abbi: 'I... I love you...' Trey: 'You do too? Yeah.' followed by him calling her 'my little cupcake' and immediately pivoting to 'My supplements. All hands on deck.'

Trey · Abbi:Trey offers Abbi a private changing room 'if you'd be more comfortable.' Abbi: 'No, I'm totally at ease.' Beat. 'Where is it?'

Abbi:Abbi admits: 'In high school, people used to call me Tonya Harding.'

Trey · Abbi:Trey: 'There's no I in Soulstice.' Abbi: 'But there's...' Trey: 'Well, yes, there is, yes. I've actually been trying to get them to change it to a Y for a long time.'

Abbi:Abbi's reaction: 'There's where the fucking pubes come from.'

Abbi:Abbi psyching herself up alone before the Soulstice Games: 'You got this, you're cool. Be cool. Just be fucking cool, man.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi calls Ilana and asks if she can tweet one of Ilana's 'before' wax pics. Ilana: 'Which one? Neck?'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana clocks that Abbi is at a competitive event from a phone call: 'I hear your teeth grinding through the phone. You're at a competitive event, aren't you?'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana invokes: 'Ab-bi! August 4th. 2002. Camp Kweebec. Red Rover.' Abbi: 'I remember, Ilana. I remember everyone being so fucking jealous 'cause I beat them so fucking hard.'

Abbi:After a game ends, Abbi: 'We had that. That is a bullshit call.' / 'See you in the fucking parking lot.'

Abbi:After winning tug-of-war: 'Oh, yeah! Red team, you guys come and eat my ass one at a fucking time.'

Abbi:'Unh! Line up, come on. I'm selling tickets.' — then realizing people are staring — 'I was kidding, I was totally kidding around. You guys were great.'

Abbi:Abbi's post-tug-of-war trash talk to 'Tomas': 'What now, Tomas, huh? Who's the hot commodity now, huh? It's me, yes!'

Abbi:Gemma challenges Abbi to the pugil-stick event. Abbi: 'Thanks so much... Not!'

Abbi:Abbi: 'I am gonna knock your big swangin' titties into next Tuesday.'

Abbi:Abbi immediately panics and tries to walk back everything: 'No, I'm kidding, you guys, I'm kidding, come on! I'm Kidding!'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'I'm gonna sprint home right now.' Abbi: 'To Queens?' Ilana: 'Yeah, you want to race me?' Abbi: 'I'm not going to Queens...'

Ilana · Abbi:The company's Twitter apology tweet: 'We sincerely apologize for our last tweet. It was posted by a former employee who suffers from mental health issues.' Ilana: 'We all do.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana insists: 'The horse was fucking the guy. It's honestly not that bad.' / 'It's not as bad as if a human was fucking the animal. That's all. That's all.' / 'I think everyone agrees, on that. Right?'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'That was the worst job in the world, don't even worry about it.' Ilana: 'I know, fuck them.' Abbi: 'Let's just forget all our flaws, 'cause today was a total fluke.' Ilana: 'Yeah, well, I wish I could forget, like, my hunger for competition, but it's like... It's online, so, like, I can't.'

Abbi:Abbi responds with 'Awesome.' to Ilana's bestiality moral framework

Abbi · Ilana:Online Red Rover: 'Red Rover, Red Rover, send Abbi right over!' — Abbi charges through a digital barrier — 'Oh, she's biting me!' / 'Arms up! Breathe, breathe... Shh...' / 'She's heading for the woods! She's a climber!'

Abbi · Ilana:The episode ends with Abbi playing online Red Rover and physically attacking someone through her phone screen — 'She's biting me! She's heading for the woods! She's a climber!'

Abbi:Abbi wakes to a rat in her apartment and screams 'Rat Bastard!'

Abbi:Abbi screams at the rat: 'Get out of here! You're ruining my life!'

Abbi:Abbi says 'This is some of my best sandwich work to date' while the rat chaos is ongoing.

Abbi · Exterminator:Exterminator says rat is 'gone to a better place.' Abbi: 'Oh, you mean, like the heaven.' Exterminator: 'Oh, no. His dead carcass is probably rotting in the ceiling.'

Abbi · Ilana · Exterminator:Exterminator says '$400.' Abbi and Ilana react with shock, then man says 'I'm gonna have to sell my sperm again.'

Abbi · Ilana:Gift basket labeled 'Larry and David' arrives — the name clearly evoking Larry David of Curb Your Enthusiasm.

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana asks Abbi about her nice dress: 'Hot date later? Is he black?'

Abbi · Ilana:'Sometimes we are so smart, Ilana, I am scared of what we are truly capable of.' — Abbi, after their obvious party idea.

Abbi:Abbi on the phone: 'Bring friends... I, I don't have any, but you guys. That's cool.'

Abbi:Abbi explains she was drinking alone in a closet because it was her 'third and fourth bottle' and she didn't want anyone to see her 'consuming so many empty calories.'

Abbi · Party Guest:Man says 'It's kind of spunky, right?' Abbi says 'That's what she said.' He says 'Come on, that was genuinely organic.' — A meta-commentary on 'That's what she said' jokes.

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana answers phone mid-scene: 'Can you steal tampons, too?' and her friend starts bleeding — Ilana's immediate response is 'Dur, that's why I need the tampons.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'I can't believe that diseased little rat chewed through my favorite period panties.' Ilana: 'Panty-eating rat perv.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi asks Ilana if she can be her 'Head Chef' for the party — delivered as if asking to be best man at a wedding.

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi quotes 'With great power comes great responsibility' and attributes it to Teddy Roosevelt. Ilana corrects: 'Spider-Man.' Abbi: 'Even better.'

Ilana · Abbi:After Ilana says she needs to make out with someone, Abbi offers herself, then Ilana specifies 'someone who's attracted to women.' Then: 'Abbi, just so you know, every guy here's gonna be, like, a four-plus on the Kinsey scale.' / 'Gay.' / 'I know, that's why this gal joined Tinder.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'You must be très horny.' Abbi: 'I'm not Trey anything, Ilana... what?' Ilana: 'Okay, I won't show off my French, Abbi.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana mentions she gave Tinder dates this address 'so if they come back to chop you up, you're not even here.' Abbi: 'Yeah... Wait, what?'

Abbi:Abbi is getting Tinder matches at the door: 'Tinder is so fucking easy, dude.' / 'I am rich in men. And those men are gonna make me rich... in money.' Then she sings '♪ I rich ♪'

Abbi:'I am rich in men. And those men are gonna make me rich... in money.' followed by Abbi singing '♪ I rich, I rich ♪'

Abbi · Party Guest:Costume change mid-episode: 'Whoa, costume change?' — 'Yeah, I'm quirky.'

Ilana · Abbi · Tinder Date:A Tinder date turns out to be much older than his profile photo. Ilana: 'You thought a young Denzel Washington was gonna show up for your Tinder date?'

Abbi:Abbi doesn't know you can swipe left on Tinder: 'Wait, what do you mean swipe left?' — implying she has been meeting up with every single match.

Abbi:Abbi: 'I need to meet, like, real men in real life that I don't work with.' Abbi corrects herself: 'That I don't, like, work it with.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana stall the delivery man: 'We really wanna get in there, but we used our willpower.' — Ilana chimes in: 'No, no, we just made out.'

Abbi · Delivery Man:Abbi asks the UPS/delivery man a personal question: 'You ever taken a sharp turn in one of those trucks without the doors on it, and then, you just fall out?' He says: 'All the time.' She immediately: 'Quick follow-up. Do you wanna make out right now?' — 'Yeah.'

Ilana · Abbi:The Larry and David misunderstanding resolves: Ilana assumed the basket was from a gay couple. Corrected: 'Larry and David are brothers.' Ilana: 'Ew.'

Ilana · Abbi:'That's what she said.' / 'That's something Trey would say.' / 'Oh my God, totally.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana brainstorming inventions, already at 59 ideas, treating this as serious genius work

Abbi · Ilana:'GIF' pronunciation debate — 'I know, but I am not doing that.' / 'No, it's disgusting.'

Abbi · Ilana:'A gynecologist that's also a bikini waxer.' / 'That is a literal one-stop pussy shop.'

Abbi · Ilana:'I think we might actually be literal geniuses.' / 'Oh, we for sure are geniuses.'

Ilana · Abbi:'A skateboard, with a handle.' / 'That's, like, a scooter.'

Abbi:Magnetic boots that pick up change — 'Then I could be the Jewish stereotype that I am without being known for it.'

Abbi:Abbi announces she'll finally take a good license photo — 'This is gonna be the time that I take a license photo that is good.'

Ilana · Abbi:'With that ass?' / 'They don't let you put your ass in the photo.' / 'They really should.'

Ilana · Abbi:'I know you from your ass better than I know your face.' / 'You know me from my ass better than you know me from my face?' / 'Yep, and hearing it said back to me slower only validates it more.'

Hairdresser · Abbi:Hair stylist promises Abbi she'll look 'just like a Bachelor contestant' — 'Oh, uh, no...' / 'No, but one that quits 'cause she's too good for the show.'

Abbi · Hairdresser:Abbi's rogues' gallery of bad professional photos — license, senior photo with braces, homecoming photo

Hairdresser · Abbi:The gay high school boyfriend photo: 'You think he was gay?' / 'Um, I don't like to go off of looks, but I mean...' / 'He was gay.' / 'Yeah, he was gay.'

Abbi:'And he's actually a billionaire now. In Idaho, yeah.'

Abbi:The passport photo has a bee in it — 'This bee followed me around Astoria for 30 days.'

Abbi · Hairdresser:The Deals, Deals, Deals coupon makes the haircut $15 — and the hairdresser visibly deflates and does a rushed, minimal cut

Abbi:'Ow, my subluxation!' — Abbi immediately injures her neck after the haircut

Abbi:Abbi sees the DMV and thinks 'that's not so bad' — then the door opens to reveal the full nightmare interior

Abbi · DMV Announcer:Abbi gets called number G-42 — 'Picture of a hammer?'

Abbi:Abbi is called almost immediately at the DMV — she's shocked and overjoyed: 'I'm free!'

Abbi · DMV Worker:The DMV worker offers Abbi a snack mid-photo session

Abbi:Abbi's photo attempt fails — she twists her already-injured neck trying to pose

Abbi:DMV number being called — Abbi's intense celebration: 'That's my number! There's mine! I win! Oh, excuse me.'

DMV Worker · Abbi:DMV worker makes Abbi repeat: 'I am a badass queen.' / 'Kyuh, kyuh, kyuh!'

DMV Worker · Abbi:'I have the perfect job for you.' / 'Social worker?' / 'Bike messenger.' / 'Even better.'

Ilana · Abbi:Abbi riding on Ilana's bike messenger bike, Ilana singing: '♪ There she is / The most beautiful girl in the world ♪' while apparently crashing immediately

Abbi:'I mostly tussle, but I think I'm getting, like, a solid six hours of tussling per night.'

Dr. Heller · Abbi:Someone bought one of Abbi's drawings off the chiropractor's wall for $45 — which exactly covers her co-pay, making the appointment free

Dr. Heller · Abbi:'And next time, when you make an appointment at the DMV, do it online. That way when you get there, it just takes a minute.' — Abbi re-injures her neck in shock

Abbi:'Well, I don't know the Internet that well.'

Dr. Heller · Abbi:Dr. Heller books Abbi a DMV appointment on her phone in real time: 'Look at that, 4:45, you have one last appointment today. You can still make it.'

Abbi · Dr. Heller:'Thanks, Dr. Heller. Love you.' / 'I mean, I'll see you at our next appointment.' / 'Hey, I love you, too.'

Abbi · DMV Staff:Ilana arrives at the dreamlike DMV waiting area — chocolate fountain, edible flowers, massage, matching strawberries and carpet

DMV Staff · Abbi:'May I say, what gorgeous hair you're gracing us with today?' / 'My, uh... My chiropractor did it.' / 'Oh, you're hilarious. I daresay you're the funniest person I've ever met.'

Abbi · DMV Worker:The DMV photo is taken — Abbi is thrilled, DMV worker confirms 'we got it,' then offers to do one more 'for me'

DMV Worker · Abbi:The photo is so good that the DMV worker asks if Abbi is a model — gives her a modeling agent's card

Abbi:Abbi tells a man 'you can call a man a bitch' — 'Later, bitch.'

Abbi:'Oh! Ooof... I got sunscreen in my!' — Abbi at the second DMV visit, injuring herself again

Abbi's Dad · Abbi:Dad: 'Then we'd be best friends and hang out all the time. Get your head outta the gutter.'

Abbi · Abbi's Dad · Ilana:Dad converting Abbi's bedroom into an infrared sauna; Ilana calls it 'So GOOP'

Ilana · Abbi · Abbi's Dad:Ilana suggests a V-steam; Dad doesn't know what it is; Ilana clarifies: 'Um, vagina.' Abbi: 'Love talking about vaginas with my dad.'

Abbi's Dad · Abbi:Dad told Abbi about the divorce by the trash because she played in the trash so much — hoping she'd associate trash with divorce and stop playing in it. 'It didn't work.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana enters Abbi's room: 'Oh, such an only child's room.' Abbi: 'There's two TVs.' 'It was just so I could stay on top of news stories.' 'Yeah, news about what was happening with Ross and Rachel.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'Look at me, I'm fully engorged.' Abbi: 'Ilana, come on.' Ilana: 'I'm not sexually aroused, I'm fiscally aroused.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi reveals she raised $900 for Alice Ackerman's accident fund from a dance-a-thon — then: 'Amazing that I fucking never gave her the money.'

Abbi · Ilana:Alice's accident was on a Saturday — Ilana: 'Shabbat.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'You know, you don't need to wear a helmet.' Ilana: 'I am a very good driver.' Abbi: 'It is insane that you drive a car with no doors.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'You are such a goy for driving this car, it is unbelievable. I want a DNA test.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'Dude, I don't carry cash.' (with obvious air quotes) — then immediately suggests using the Alice fund money for bowling shoes

Abbi · Ilana:The Alice fund logic: 'We're using her money to get her the money.' — 'Exactly.' — 'Exactly.' — 'Okay that makes total sense.' — 'Total sense.' — 'So we have to.' — 'Have to, must.'

Abbi · Karl/Shyffilis:Abbi runs into Karl 'Shyffilis' Shiff — her fault for the nickname, from Colonial Williamsburg syphilis education

Karl/Shyffilis · Abbi:Karl/Shyffilis: 'I didn't even care at all, because it was you.' Abbi: 'What?' — the reveal that he had a huge crush on her

Abbi · Karl/Shyffilis:Abbi and Karl makeout in the bowling alley locker room; Abbi: 'I've always fantasized about making out in a locker room, but no one ever tells you about the feet smell.'

Abbi · Shoe Rental Attendant:Abbi asks where the Ackermans are; learns they sold the bowling alley because Alice needed cash after her accident — the bowling alley Abbi just spent the fund money at

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana's car battery is dead

Abbi:Abbi: '$200 for the liquor' — delivered as a matter-of-fact announcement to the teens

Abbi · Ilana:They recover the Beanie Baby using Abbi's dad's dreadlocks as bait because they 'stunk like meat'

Alice · Abbi:Alice answers the door — she's a stunning model. 'I didn't recognize you without the dreads. You look great without dreads.'

Alice · Abbi:Alice says she heard about the dance-a-thon while in a coma and never got to thank Abbi — 'You're a good person.' Abbi is about to confess she never gave the money.

Alice · Abbi:Alice checks the envelope: '$946' raised, only $300 in the envelope. Abbi explains the deductions: 'We just needed the money for bowling shoes and bottles of liquor for teens.'

Abbi · Karl/Shyffilis · Alice:Abbi says 'I came here to look you in the eye and to atone. I am a good person.' — while Karl/Shyffilis emerges from upstairs having been there the whole time

Karl/Shyffilis · Abbi · Alice:Karl: 'She made out with me a little bit at the bowling alley.' Abbi: 'No, no.' Alice: 'You did?' Karl: 'It's not her fault.' Abbi: 'I didn't make out with you, you made out with me!'

Abbi:Ilana, I'm not doing another séance. It's like, weird and kinda Christian.

Abbi:Oh, my God! I forgot that Melody was my actual roommate.

Abbi · Ilana:I need to re-sole my loafers. / I have a cavus foot. / High arches. / Ballerinas have it.

Abbi:'Treat yourself to a night in picturesque Astoria. Stop by the beer garden, or stay in and enjoy tasteful interiors and a stunning view of a white... castle.'

Ilana · Abbi:I'm gonna post this for $700 a night. / Dude, that is almost a month's rent. / No one's gonna do that. / It's New York, babe. Get used to it, babe. Hashtag, tenement life!

Abbi:This is a map I drew of Astoria, the 'hood. The knife and fork mean it's an affordable restaurant, and this is a machete. This is where someone machete'd another person in half, so I would just avoid that spot.

Abbi:Oh, okay, so this is a disposable camera. I took half the photos already and I was thinking maybe you could take the other half, and then I would get them developed and then, I could send them to you.

French subletter · Abbi:Perhaps you will come in Paris one day and we'll do it both ways. / I love both ways. Like, any way, I would do it, whatever way. I mean, with the camera. With the camera. A thing that I established.

French subletter · Abbi:The French subletter picks lint off Abbi's top while she freezes, then: 'How you say? Do you say leent? / It's lint.'

Abbi · Ilana:It's like we're really camping. Even the wind feels real, right? / The wind's real. / It just feels like we're not in 'the shitty.'

Ilana · Abbi:The first time I ever saw any sex stuff was at my friend Amina Eltreebee's birthday party. / Did she... do it right in front of you? / No. We watched 'Fear.' Mark Wahlberg, Reese Witherspoon on a roller coaster, he's like... / He's fingering her. / Fingering her.

Abbi · Ilana:I guess I... / Still confuse that now? / Yeah!

Abbi · Ilana:Wake up in the middle of the night, her stepdad is watching us sleep in his undies. / Stop it. / Eating lasagna.

Abbi · Ilana:'I just pretended to be asleep until he was finished.' / 'What do you mean, until he was finished?' / 'Oh, finished the lasagna. But still, it was creepy, you know?'

Abbi · Ilana:The tent collapses on them on the roof.

Abbi · Ilana:Dude, that guy on the gurney is shaking. / On the flipside, he's on a gurney. He's not in a body bag. / That's so true.

Abbi · Ilana:Turn on the old noggin. Come on, give me something good, girl. / Here we go! Think, think, think, think, think, think, think...

Ilana · Abbi:Watch the sunrise and get a romantic breakfast at the diner. / Not the bad diner, though. / Hate the bad diner. / It is close to everything, though. Should we just go to that one?

Abbi:These taste pretty good, but they smell amazing. Like, I would wear it as a scent.

Abbi:Dude, my hot French subletter is texting me asking my birthday. Maybe he wants to send me flowers, or, like, find out my zodiac sign to see if we're compatible. Euros are so into numerology. Madonna got really into it when she moved to London.

Abbi · Ilana:Christina! Yes, you picked up! Uh, yeah, it's at the 40/40 Club, all right? Yeah, go up to the bouncer, say you're there for the Hernandez party, okay? Free bottles. Hernandez! / I'm gonna get you back, girl! / Opportunity, batch! Free bottles? We gotta take advantage of this.

Abbi · Ilana:The overheard phone call — Abbi overhearing someone's conversation and immediately deciding they can crash the 40/40 Club VIP party.

Ilana · Abbi:Ab, look... My security. / Gingers have souls! / No, I know they do, dude.

Ilana · Abbi:That is Blake Griffin! He plays for the N... B... / A! / A? Oh, my God, no way!

Ilana · Abbi:Hold up. You have a hot piece already in your apartment who's obviously obsessed with you? / We have been texting, like, texts that could be sexts. / Also, he touched my nipple.

Ilana · Abbi:You should go home and satisfy your bon appétit! / You know what? I am gonna go, 'cause I haven't had sex in a while, and also, this place is, like... / Really making me horny. / This plan rules.

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana, also, don't forget to stretch! / You got it.

Bevers · Abbi:Sorry, Ab, the next bus out of Atlantic City isn't 'til morning. I could FaceTime with you and watch you sleep if that'll help. / All right, bye. / What... What are we doing? What's this relationship?

Trey · Abbi:Clear! / Seriously, you're all clear. / Thanks, Trey. / No problem. I've always wanted to do that. You know, 'clear'? / Right.

Abbi · Trey:You don't give your key to a stranger just 'cause he's really cute, you know? / That's a dumb idea. / Hey, hey, hey, hey. It's cool.

Abbi · Trey:Oh, that'd be cool, but, like, he took my TV and my DVD player. / I anticipated that, so... / My mom got me this portable DVD player for Christmas so I could watch movies on the subway.

Trey · Abbi:Man, I wish there was a basketball league for women so I could play. / Well, there is. / It's the... WNBA. / Yeah. / The WNBA. / I mean, they are so good. / I literally steal moves from them all the time.

Trey · Abbi:I would say my favorite painter is probably, um... Pablo Picasso. / Picasso, baby. / Uh, yeah, he's, like, pretty classic. / Want to see my impression of a Picasso painting? / Yes, I would love to. / [contorts body into Cubist shape] / Trey, that is really funny. / It kinda hurts.

Abbi · Trey:I was gonna show you a video on my laptop. / And then that guy stole it today. / Stole that, too... / Hey, you know what they say? You're not a real New Yorker until you've been robbed. / I've been a New Yorker three times, so.

Ilana · Abbi:My mom always said that French people hate Jews. I'm pretty sure it's unrelated, though, right? / Right, he probably didn't know that you were... / Perfect nose.

Abbi · Ilana:Dude, ew! / Ohhhh! Ew! / What the fuck? / What the fuck? / A fucking condom! / Ab, this is it! This could be the key to the whole crime! This could unlock the whole thing, it's only six to... / Six-and-a-half hours old. / Fresh on his tail.

Abbi · Ilana:You didn't see him. He was dangerous. / Really? / Yeah, we gotta just, like, throw that condom away and act like we never saw it and never bring it up again. / You sure? / I am positive, dude! / You didn't see this guy! He had pecs... Like, they were bigger than my boobs!

Abbi:To be that horny and move so efficiently is something that, you know, even though I hate him, I admire.

Ilana · Abbi:So, sex! Sex with Blake Griffin, dude, you didn't even talk about it. / It wasn't full peena-vageena. / Penis in vagina. / That sucks. Is it... Was it okay? / It was awesome. We did stuff that I never even thought of before. All I gotta say, it was nothing but net. / Oh! / And by nothing but net, I mean he fingered me 'til I came.

Ilana · Abbi:Lincoln loved it, even. He thought it was so hot. / You told Lincoln? / Was he jealous? / I think he was okay with it.

Abbi:I know, but at least it's, like, human level. It's less embarrassing.

Abbi · Ilana:God, I have such swamp ass. / Dude, thongs are the best. It eliminates an entire layer.

Abbi:I still cannot believe you are such a thong head.

Ilana · Abbi:God, we're hot. / God, my butt itches.

Abbi:I hope you're not talking about the kegels.

Jeremy · Abbi:Awesome sauce. / Oh, you don't have to. / Um, I, uh, I actually finished when you said yes.

Abbi:I definitely didn't though.

Ilana · Abbi:Madonna. / Rihanna. / Ilana. / Madonna, Rihanna, Ilana.

Abbi · Ilana:Oh, it only has one chair. / He's just using it as a foot rest.

Abbi:we all wish we could have ottomans in the park...

Abbi:Training with Trey. Y'know? He's just been on me. So annoying. Get him off.

Abbi:I would not get him off!

Abbi:That is hysterical. That is your go to lie.

Abbi:Oh my God. That does impress-ah me much.

Abbi · Lincoln:She's still running. / Her running is a metaphor.

Abbi · Bevers:All right, now you're going too far. / Oh, here we go.

Bevers · Ilana · Abbi:I'd wrap my thighs around that big basketball head. / Ew, what the fuck. / Oh, Ilana. That's your brother.

Abbi · Bevers:How the fuck do you know this much about fashion? / You know, I worked every summer at my Grandma's department store in St. Louis. / Lord and Bevers.

Maître d' · Abbi:He arrived about a half an hour ago. / Am I late? / No. He was just very early.

Abbi:I moved my cheat day, too.

Abbi · Trey:Abbi orders the full 'pan roasted turbot with fennel pollen aioli, prosciutto, borlotti beans, parsnips, turnips and carrots' / Trey orders 'the chicken.'

Trey · Abbi:To new beginnings. / Yeah... But also, to how it is. Now. Presently. / Yes. / You know? Do you understand?

Abbi · Ilana's mother:Surprise... / Look who I found tip toeing around trying to surprise us. / I'm-I'm sneakin'.

Abbi:I forgot to... I need to replace my bandage. 'Cause it's fallen. It's fallen loose. It's ba... It's gonna be bad if I don't go.

Abbi:Hi, you have the wrong menu. I'm just gonna take it.

Abbi:This is great... options. You guys are cute.

Trey · Abbi:It's a... / Corsage! Yeah. / You know how you said you didn't go to prom? Well... / It's kind of a joke, but... it's also real.

Unknown man · Abbi:Oh, this is so hot. / Yeah. / My wife's totally pumpin' and dumpin' like 40 feet away.

Abbi:Yeah... this is... this is done. / I don't even know what I'm doing. / And lose the nipple rings.

Ilana's mother · Abbi · Ilana's mother:Where'd you get the corsage, Ab? / I ran into my florist. / 'My florist,' excuse me, Queen of Sheba.

Abbi · Ilana's mother:Oh, Jesus. / My diaphragm... / I left it... / Cathy comic. / I left my diaphragm. / Diaphragm? / Yeah, I've just started using it. And I gotta go 'cause someone's gonna get it.

Abbi:Abbi falls down trying to slip back to Trey's table.

Unknown man · Abbi:I can't believe you remembered. / Remembered. / Four weeks ago was our first kiss. / I... obviously remember when we kissed first.

Abbi:Trey, I'm getting emotional right now. And I don't want you to see me like this.

Ilana · Abbi · Ilana's mother:How did you know Trey was here? / Oh. / We're on a date. / Oh my God. / This is not... / Oh my God. / Oh my God! / The condom in your room? / The whole time? / The whole time!

Abbi · Ilana's mother:Okay, show's over. / Uh, guys, I have some big news to share. / What? / Um, I got a promotion and I'm moving to London. / No you're not. Sit down and eat your dinner.

Trey · Abbi:Trey, no, no, wait... wait. / I'm not a joke, Abbi. / I thought we were having fun and... / We were... I was having a really good time. / This really sucks, you know.

Ilana · Abbi:Like... like-like? / Like, like-like.

Abbi:Eww, again?

Abbi:Well, what could be more Zen than yoga that's suggested donation... Free.

Abbi:You catch that, suggested donation. Free.

Ilana · Abbi:Ooh, so it really smells in here. / Okay, this isn't 'Real Housewives' yoga, NeNe.

Abbi:Sure, it has a few flaws, but that's the price you pay. / You catch that, that's the price you pay.

Ilana · Abbi:Two of us to get in here. Doesn't seem like enough space for us... / It's plenty. / Is it? / Yep, now it is.

Ilana · Abbi:Oh, yeah, you can go deeper. Okay. On both shoulders.

Abbi · Ilana:Did you pack your anti-depressants? / Yep. / Your antianxiety? / Yep. / Please tell me antigas. / Yep. / Your vibrator? / Yep. / Okay, do you have your electric toothbrush?

Abbi:Great, we're both... totally packed responsibly.

Abbi:I have no time, fuck me, dude. Um, okay, my toothbrush, my vibrator. What'd she say, my meds?

Abbi · Ilana:This is Lincoln's suitcase. / I just have... y'know, sometimes I feel like he broke up with me too.

Ilana · Abbi:God, are you flexing? / No. / Can you? / Okay.

Abbi:Drew Barrymore wrote an entire article about this suitcase. I splurged on this.

Bevers · Abbi:I thought Melodie bought me that suitcase. / I use it so much. / You do? / Just once.

Bevers · Abbi:I have a way with words. / No, thank you, Bevers.

Abbi:Hey! I saw that! Get back here! Shit! / I saw you! Shit. Fuck off! Fuck you! God dammit! Fuck!

Abbi:Oh, I... Okay, I was talking about adult magazines like 'Real Simple' or 'O' or 'Dwell.'

Subway Announcement · Ilana · Abbi:A passenger at the next stop threw herself on the tracks. / Jesus, use a bridge. / Selfish.

Abbi:It's okay. You know what? I padded the travel time. We are all good, we're all good. It's not like we left our passports or anything.

Abbi · Ilana:Do you have any tape? / Do I have any tape? / Yeah, I have tape. / A bunch of different kinds. / Really cute.

Abbi · Ilana:Jesus, it stinks. / Bologna? / Ugh, it's unbelievable, right? / It is unbelievable. / So salty.

Abbi · Ilana:It's like 9/11 all over again. / It's 9/112! / Return of the 9/11s!

Abbi:Truly impressed with you at every turn.

Abbi:Let's say we were stuck in a subway forever... Who would we fuck? Who would we marry? Who would we eat?

Ilana · Abbi:Okay, I would eat that baby. / Is that terrible of me? / No. / I just would. / No, it makes perfect sense.

Abbi · Ilana:She looks delicious. / You would probably be sparing her a life of tragedy and terror, living down in the subway. / Plus, I feel like babies are, like, the most delicious in terms of actual meat.

Ilana · Abbi:Desperate times. / Calling for desperate measures. / And who are we to judge our post-apocalyptic selves? / What part would you eat first? / Which part is the most tender? / Probably like, the side or the butt.

Ilana · Abbi:Dear God. Please make this subway move. / Ilana, that's not how it works. You can't just rub my butt, and the train...

Abbi · Ilana:Ow! / Did it again, the power of the butt, bitch.

Ilana · Abbi:I'm really happy we didn't have to eat the baby. / Yeah. Happy.

Abbi:$1,200 from here to Gowanus back to JFK.

Abbi · Ilana:I was gonna say maybe we could just knock on the door and see if they could drive us. / Oh, let's try that first.

Abbi:Hello, sir. I know that this is ridiculous, but we would like to hire you to drive us in your taxi. To a few destinations.

Anhur · Abbi:I couldn't be more off-duty. / Work is the worst, right? I get that, but listen...

Abbi · Ilana:I'm in trouble with the wife, you can understand. / ...Plus, there are good schools around here. / We are begging you.

Ilana · Abbi:This beautiful neighborhood, it's gorgeous out here. — Quaint. — Lovely, I might look at some... — So sweet. — To buy or some... — I don't know, rent, whatever. — Plus, there are good schools around here.

Abbi · Ilana · Anhur:'Fast and Furious' over here. / How old are you? / 15.

Abbi:Hold on. An old lady is pushing a baby stroller full of empty cans across the street. / Waiting. / She's almost across. / Okay, now we're coming around the corner.

Abbi · Anhur · Ilana:Hey, slow down, but don't stop. / I gotcha, girl. / Hey! / Hi, honey. / Here's your passport, bye! / Thank you. / Yes! To the airport! / Love you, Himmelz! / Bye-bye, baby!

Abbi · Anhur:Yeah, and don't worry, you're gonna have sex one day. / I've had sex. / Look at all my fucking bracelets.

Abbi · Ilana:What the fuck are fucking bracelets? / Kids are terrifying.

Abbi · Ilana:Your period stain. / No, dude, it's an old stain. / It's a red herring, 'cause it's red and looks like a fish, kinda. / I'm packing. I'm packing heat. / I have weed in my vaginé. / Period pants are the ultimate decoy!

Abbi · Ilana:What the fuck! / Leave it! I'll leave mine! / No, dude, it's our whole luggage! / There, look! / Hey! / Not today, put it down! / Oh, I was just trying to take it to the lost and... / Yeah, sure you were! / Sure! / Piece of shit!

Abbi · Dale · Ilana:Ilana! / I got an extra ticket, let's do this! / Do what, Dale? / What the fuck is wrong with you?

Abbi · Ilana:Oh, my God, we fucking made it! / Oh, God, I cannot believe we made it. / This is the longest ramp I've ever been on.

Flight Attendant · Abbi:I am so sorry, ladies. There is no more space in the overhead compartments, we'll have to check your luggage. / Actually, yours will probably be okay. So sleek and streamlined. / Lincoln... had really adult taste in luggage.

Abbi · Flight attendant:Lincoln... had really adult taste in luggage. / This is actually a really special bag, too. It's Drew's. / Sorry, this is not your bag? / No, no, no, it's mine... I packed it. It's just that Ms. Drew Barrymore highly recommends this bag.

Abbi · Flight Attendant:This bag is the bomb. Please just let me... I'm sure there's a spot. / Okay, I'm gonna shut these doors and take off. / Would you like to come with us? / Mark, can you come get this bag, please?

Abbi · Flight Attendant:Do you think it's gonna be okay? / I'm sure your bag is in really... good hands. / Thanks so much. / Whoa! Nice! / International travel is amazing.

Abbi · Flight Attendant:It's just that Ms. Drew Barrymore highly recommends this bag. If you Google, in quotes, 'Refinery 29,' in quotes, 'Drew Barrymore.' That's amazing. Unfortunately, Drew Barrymore is the only person who could carry on something that bulky.

Abbi · Flight Attendant · Ilana:No, this is first class. / We gotta keep going. / Ms. Fessiwig, champagne or orange juice? / Orange juice it is. / Oh, my God. / I know, who chooses juice over champagne? / Ew, coach.

Jared · Ilana · Abbi:Hello. Um... / Ilana. / Hi. / And... / Abbi. / Yes. / I'm Jared. Welcome to Birthmarc. / Surf's up.

First class flight attendant · Abbi · Ilana:Ms. Fessiwig, champagne or orange juice? / Orange juice it is. / Oh, my God. / I know, who chooses juice over champagne? Ew, coach.

Abbi · Ilana:Previously on recap montage culminating in 'This bag is the bomb' and 'Jews! Jews! Jews!'

Birthmarc Host · Abbi:The Birthmarc host calls Abbi 'Abbalah' — a Yiddishized diminutive of her name

Abbi:Abbi's Birthmarc intro: complains about having to check her carry-on, says 'I practice packed a couple times,' then calls it 'a little Jewwy. Um, Jewish-like.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'I graduated with a fine arts degree. So now I am a celebrity trainer. Kris Kristofferson comes in, mostly core work.'

Abbi:Abbi's intro ends with 'I'm a little bit lost and yeah, I'm looking for a spiritual experience, kind find myself on this trip' — delivered with increasing uncertainty and trailing off

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi tries to ask a passenger to switch but Ilana says 'Ab, Ab. Let the guy rest in peace.' — the man is dead

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'So I've been meaning to tell you, that was a sick mile high joke.' Abbi: 'I wasn't joking.' Then Ilana explains the Moyel Chai Club

Ilana · Abbi:Abbi: 'Wait, what's a moyel?' Ilana: 'Honestly, are you Jewish? You're not supposed to be on this trip if you're not.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'What the fuck are you talking about?' Ilana: 'Literally Judaism.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'I can't believe that you want to suck a dick after everything that just came out of your mouth.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana spots free headphones on a sleeping man: 'Oh my God dude, this is a free movie!' Abbi: 'Look, look! His headphones!' Ilana: 'You are dark, dude.' Abbi: 'I know.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'I just got my period.' Beat. Ilana: 'Ugh. Okay, it's fine, I packed tampons.' Longer beat. 'In my bag!'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'Wad up a bunch of toilet paper and shove it up your pussy.' Abbi: 'Up?' Ilana: 'Between the lips and the undies.'

Ilana · Abbi:First-day period metaphor escalation: 'Like putting your spoon into a molten lava cake' / 'like the first bite of a jelly doughnut' / 'like a side of chutney' / 'fruit on the bottom'

Ilana · Abbi:'The Impossible' tsunami wave riff — Ilana: 'You ever seen that movie The Impossible? Where that wall of tsunami water just gushes up onto the beach?' then Abbi deflates with 'I was just gonna say, that movie is so sad.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'This must be what homeless women feel like.' Abbi: 'Dude, we're just in coach, it's not that bad.' Ilana: 'No, no. Like, how do they get tampons?'

Ilana · Abbi:'You ever seen that movie The Impossible? Where that wall of tsunami water just, like, gushes up onto the beach?' / 'Yikes.' / 'I was just gonna say, that movie is so sad.'

Abbi · Ilana · Flight Attendant:The $38 kosher snack pack for two

Abbi · Winona:Abbi: 'I am loving your comfort despite the circumstances.' Winona: 'Well, I'm currently sitting in a pool of my own uterine lining, so... I'm feeling pretty comfortable.'

Abbi · Ilana:Looking at the snack pack: '$38?' sticker shock — Abbi and Ilana open the snack pack and are clearly underwhelmed by its contents

Abbi · Ilana · Older Woman Passenger:Tampon collection montage: asking passengers across the plane, including the older woman who's 'flattered you asked, even though many women my age do experience spotting'

Abbi · Male Passenger:Abbi asks a man for his almost-in-his-mouth pita to use as a period pad; he surrenders it

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi holds up a yarmulke as a tampon: 'You're kidding, right?' Ilana: 'I thought these were, like, a joke that all women shared.' Abbi: 'I guess I'm just the monster with a humongous vagina over here.'

Abbi:'Does yarmulke size have anything to do with dick... sorry, shlong size?'

Yarmulke Man · Abbi:A man confirms the yarmulke 'is way too big' and agrees to lend it: 'You're probably not gonna want it back afterwards.' Man: 'It's just so thick.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana emerges from the bathroom: 'Dude, I just joined the Moyel Chai Club!' Abbi: 'Did you get me anything?'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana presents a homemade tampon. Abbi: 'I get it. Everyone is gonna be sorry they turned their backs on their sisters.'

Abbi · Air Marshals:Abbi says 'Any second, there's gonna be an explosion and there's gonna be blood, like, everywhere.' Two air marshals immediately interpret this as a bomb threat.

Abbi · Ilana · Couple:The engagement ring couple — 'Yes! She said yes! What? I'm buying champagne! I guess he brought that ring.'

Ilana · Abbi:Abbi: 'Oh my God, Ilana, look.' Ilana: 'Holy yas.' Then close-up on... Tampons. Ilana: 'So warm and moist.' Abbi: 'Ew, what, dude? That's not how to describe a tampon.' Ilana: 'Tampons, genius!'

Abbi · Ilana · Interrogator:Interrogation room: 'Your stories are inconsistent.' Abbi: 'My friend was just trying to get me a tampon.' Interrogator: awkward pause. Ilana begins: 'So we wake up in Wantagh, New Jersey. Abbi's puking on the side of the road. No cabs anywhere. This is our second date, mind you. She wouldn't call it a date, but...'

Abbi · Ilana · Interrogator:Interrogator: 'Why did you move seats to sit next to a dead man? That's suspicious.' Abbi: 'He was sleeping.' (beat) 'Oh my God, the dead guy?' Interrogator: 'Yeah, fully dead.' 'Nobody wanted the seats and we had to sit next to each other, obviously.' Abbi: 'Yeah, it didn't bother me at all.'

Abbi · Interrogator:Interrogator: 'You said your bag was the bomb.' Abbi: 'It is, my bag is the bom... Okay, Google Refinery 29 in quotes, Drew Barrymore in quotes. It's a life-changing bag.'

Abbi · Interrogator:Interrogator: 'You were asking passengers for very strange instruments. Twine, someone's shoelaces, heavy duty scissors.' Abbi: 'To make a tampon.' Interrogator: 'What, do you think I was making a fucking bomb?' Interrogator: 'Yeah!'

Ilana · Abbi:Turbulence hit. Ilana: 'It's the pilots giving each other head. Air head.' (pause) 'That's a good one.' Abbi: 'Seriously.' Then Ilana: 'Why do you think they call it the cockpit?'

Abbi:Abbi describes her quasi-spiritual experience when the stewardess slammed her to the ground: 'For a moment I swear I had this out-of-body experience where I was in heaven.'

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana: 'You know Jews don't have heaven.' Abbi: 'Well, I saw Jesus.' Ilana: 'You saw Jesus?' Abbi: 'He was hot and he had a man bun and he was wearing sandals, and I usually hate sandals and I loved 'em.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'Dude, he's like a Jew, but he's not Jew-ish.' Abbi: 'Really good for me. The more you talk about it, the more right it is.'

Unknown Authority · Abbi:'No touching.' — said after Abbi says 'I'm in' and reaches for Ilana, presumably in an interrogation context or still being held

Abbi:'And my Birthmarc wish came true. Now we're sitting together. And I got to fly with my bag. And it really is incredible. It withstood all those bullet holes.'

Abbi · Ilana:'Wait, so Jesus is a god, right?' / 'God is, like, Daddy God and Jesus is like, the Son God.' / 'So he's really just, like, a hot rich kid.' / 'Totally.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana calls Abbi 'ma'am' after the subway chaos

Abbi · Ilana · Robert:The F Train is suspended — the two strangers (Abbi and Ilana) and a third man all introduce themselves formally amid subway chaos

Abbi:Abbi: 'I forgot to lock up last night, so then I was supposed to get there five minutes early this morning to fake lock up.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'Best thing to do right now is to smoke a lot of pot.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'Yeah, I thought that's what you meant.' (re: 'I could smoke you up')

Abbi · Street Performer:Abbi gets kicked in the face by a street performer (inferred: she reacts physically, clutches face, gets offered the day's earnings)

Abbi:Alternate-timeline Abbi simply says 'I love my life' after accepting the bubble gun harassment

Abbi:In the alternate timeline, the same bubble gun man appears again and Abbi explodes: 'You're a needle-dick bitch, bitch. This guy's a bitch! You know hashtag, winning? You're hashtag, losing. That's your symbol of masculinity, a bubble gun?'

Abbi:Abbi: 'I hate my life.' (callback to 'I love my life' from alternate timeline)

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'Dude, I love Grey Dog!' / Ilana: '...But the one on Carmine is like, amazing. The staff is so sweet.' / Abbi: 'Dude, that's where I work!' / Ilana: 'Dude, I'm in there like every day!'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi's notepad falls, Ilana scrambles to save it — Abbi discovers the Snipper took her ponytail: 'Oh my God, my hair! Oh, this is bad.'

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana: 'No, it looks so good like that. Why do you straighten it?' / Abbi: ''Cause I look like a true Jew if I don't straighten.'

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana: 'It's not necessarily a bad thing.' / Abbi: 'You wouldn't know.' / Ilana: 'No, I'm Jewish.' / Abbi: 'Not full.' / Ilana: 'Yeah, I'm completely Jewish. Check the records. Had a bat mitzvah.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana suggests Abbi looks like Rosie Perez with her curly hair, Abbi is offended, then immediately declares she's doing it this way every day forever

Abbi:Abbi: 'Bonus Jonas!'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi/Ilana: 'I'm starving.' / 'Oh my God I thought you'd never ask. Yes, I'm starving too.' / 'Jinx tummies.'

Abbi · Bystanders:Abbi's ponytail is swiped by the Snipper in the other timeline — discovered as everyone panics: 'He took my pony!'

Bevers · Abbi:Bevers explains the house rules: 'as a guest, the rules of the house are I never pay for food, I never do chores' — Abbi corrects him: 'No, that'd be weird.' Bevers: 'Okay. Got it.'

Ilana · Abbi:Abbi arrives with a black eye; Ilana: 'Aye, no, did you get kicked in the face by a subway performer again?'

Oda · Abbi · Ilana:Psychic Oda: 'Welcome.' / Abbi: 'Hi, we're interested in—' / Oda: 'Oh, I know. I possess the gift.' / Abbi/Ilana: 'Oh. She's good.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'We are so not dying today! So not! I mean, what, are we gonna listen to her? She was eating a burrito bowl.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'I don't know, then you can't be buried in the cemetery and that whole thing.' Ilana: 'Yeah, but that's just for Jewish people.' Abbi: 'Yeah, I'm Jewish, remember? I told you.' Ilana: 'I thought you were joking.'

Abbi:Abbi gets an Oprah tattoo

Ilana · Abbi:'He sounds like a freeloading bag-of-trash bitch.' 'I mean, I barely said anything about him. I haven't even met him yet.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi follows Ilana's advice and calls Melody, then Ilana starts coaching mid-call: 'And she should break up with him.'

Abbi:The call goes amazingly well — Abbi gushes: 'We're really communicating. I really thought this would be harder.'

Robert · Abbi:Robert: 'I just bought three slices of pizza that I'm gonna eat myself, so... pretty much sums it up.' Abbi: 'Respect.'

Abbi · Subway Swiper:'Do you want a hit?' [offers weed] 'Yeah. That'd be awesome.' 'Thanks. Cool pipe.' 'Got it on McDougal.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'We should press our breasts into it.' (about wet cement)

Abbi · Ilana:Both write their names: 'Abbi with I.' / 'Ilana with an I.' — both names start with the same letter, making the clarification useless

Abbi · Robert:Abbi has a black eye; Robert asks about it. Abbi: 'You know, I'm a supporter of the arts.'

Ilana · Abbi · Robert:Ilana: 'That's dope.' (to 'I'm a supporter of the arts') — then: 'You look like an artist, because of your haircut. Did you get it cut today?' Abbi: 'In a way, I did.'

Abbi · Robert:Abbi: 'You know what I've been thinking about lately? This is so, like, stupid, but why can't you get eggs after 11:00 a.m.?' / Robert: 'I think about that all the time!'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana debating what is 'witchy' as Abbi is being escorted into what is clearly an abortion clinic while protesters shout in the background

Ilana · Abbi:'Witch shit is fucking hot, dawg.' / 'Hot dog!'

Abbi · Ilana:The 'what is witchy?' list: clogs, long nails, short nails, soup, flutes — delivered completely earnestly while protesters shout in the background

Abbi · Dara:Abbi is visibly caught in a compromising or lazy position at her new job and covers by saying she was 'checking out the chair, making sure the height was right'

Abbi · Dara:Abbi excitedly presents brochure mock-ups she spent the night on; Dara ignores them entirely and asks about the kitty litter

Dara · Abbi:'Rock star.' — Dara's praise for Abbi managing to locate the cat food

Abbi:'I love my new job.' — Abbi's declaration immediately after being tasked with cat food and cobbler errands

Delivery Guy · Abbi:Package delivery guy informs Abbi she doesn't work at 'Soul-stice' anymore — mispronouncing it as two separate words

Delivery Guy · Abbi:Delivery guy offers to either destroy the package or send it to 'North Brother Island' — making a mundane redirect sound like a threat