Working Girls

Jeremy:This is a joke shirt. 'Cause I'm a trainer.

Jeremy:Like Shania... Twain.

Abbi:Okay, I love you too.

Jeremy:All right, love you too.

Boss:Were you just sleeping with your eyes open?

Boss · Ilana:Computer's not on. It's just idle, I think. It's not on.

Ilana:Sophie's Choice.

Ilana:But first, I'm going to take my top-o'-the-morning-dump-to-you.

Abbi:A clump of my hair just fell out actually.

Trey:Run a quick 5K, sweat it out, then take an eight-minute nap. Wake up, do a shot of Echinacea, and then jump right into an ice bath. Immediately after that, suck on some ice chips, then urinate as hard and as fast as you can. Then eat a full onion, rub that onion underneath your armpits, any kind of gland, any kind of mucal cavity, okay? It's called cellular confusion.

Trey:Join me in the showers. I'm not on my period.

Linda · Ilana:Popsicle incident. I totally forgot about that.

Ilana:Next thing you know, you're pregnant with his sperm and he's sanding down your headboard shirtless.

Ilana:His dick, dude!

Abbi:You ate it like, as soon as you gave it to me.

Ilana · Linda:Oh, I love that place. Yeah, it's usually good, right?

Linda:I said, 'Do whatever you want.' I am way too trusting of strangers.

Bevers:I know you don't like me to answer the door because I don't technically live here.

Delivery person · Abbi:It's a flexible window. Windows are never flexible. That's not how they work.

Delivery person:You'll never get off the island. What did you just say? I'm sorry. I'm watching 'Shutter Island.'

Caller · Ilana:You're a temp at a temp agency? Touche.

Ilana:I'm making bank, bitch! Oh, my God. You are insane. Ab, I'm becoming a mogul a la Jay-Z, a la Martha Stewart, a la Bethenny Frankel.

Ilana · Abbi:RiRi leans in for a kiss and then she... Goes down on you. Yeah. Yeah, you... you say that story a lot.

Lincoln:That's what white people do, that dog thing. Black people don't make out with dogs.

Ilana · Abbi:Nah, dude, it's a Fleshlight. Ilana, why do you have to ruin him for me? It's not a Fleshlight. It's healthy.

Ilana:There's General Tso, there's Dumbface. That's Ballsack, and that is star of 'Ugly Betty' and 'Who's the Boss?' The wonderful, the esteemed... Judith Light!

Ilana:Judith, now that I know that you are Judith Light, I can't let you back in that tiny-ass apartment.

Abbi:Jeremy's actually my... he's my husband.

Abbi:Can you just like, look the other way this time?

Ilana · Linda:30 or like, 100. 30 or 100? These are for a guess-how-many contest!

Ilana:Oh, my God, I killed her! Judith Light!

Abbi:If you do this for me right now, I'm gonna... I will buy you a Costco rotisserie chicken.

Ilana:I looked for his dick forever. All that hair.

Ilana:If I wrapped it up in a piece of cheese for him to eat and then I accidentally swallowed that piece of cheese, would I die or be like, super chill?

Ilana:are human hemorrhoids the same as dog hemorrhoids, and if so, does dog hemorrhoid cream work on human buttholes?

Bevers:I'm not your roommate's boyfriend, I'm your husband.

Abbi · Bevers:You're Jeremy Santos. No, I'm Matty Bevers.

Bevers:Chicken!

Ilana:All the dogs are off by one. Oh, my God. The Chihuahua should be the in the loft. Which means you should be in Chinatown, Judith Light.

Abbi:We borrowed neighbor's mail to go get a neighbor's package. You were not a good kisser.

Bevers:Oh, I totally missed, Abbi! Oh!

Jeremy · Bevers:Dude, you gotta know someone you can set me up with. You know what? No, I don't. Sorry.

Ilana:Am I thin? Like, for a dog?