Puy Weed

Abbi · Wax Technician:Been a long time. Like a week. No, it's been, like, three weeks.

Abbi · Wax Technician:I'm sorry. Okay, this may hurt. My body's learned. Oh... kay.

Ilana:What about an umbrella, but it's connected to your clothes, so you don't have to hold it? That'd be hot.

Ilana:Hey, Ab, never mind about that umbrella idea. I forgot there's raincoats, duh.

Gym Member:If I don't slide, my flaps will come back.

Gym Member · Abbi:I recognize you. You clean the locker room.

Abbi:Come on, pussies!

Ilana · Abbi:Dude, what do you think is worse? Constipation or diarrhea?

Ilana:Then why did I spend hours stapling all these documents together? I even ran out halfway through to buy more staples.

Nicole:You took an hour-and-48-minute break. And we have a cabinet full of staples here.

Ilana:Honestly, I do it to buy myself some time because I am so overworked. Today I got eight e-mails.

Ilana:What's my e-mail gonna be? 'Business at the white man dot biz'?

Ilana:It's IlanaWexler@MindMyVagina.com

Todd · Ilana:To remind every client immediately of a vagina? And a mind, dude.

Jenna:They found Bryce and Zandir. They're dead.

Gym Manager:I mean, you clearly have cancer. Don't be ashamed.

Abbi:Me and my bandmates, we shaved our heads to raise awareness for our band.

Abbi:Oh, when there's a pube situation, you call on old Abbi. When there's something that actually matters, you just go another way.

Ilana · Todd:Well, then I'd like to transfer to corporate morale. Corporate morale is not a department! It doesn't exist!

Abbi:wearing a napkin as a shirt, violently high

Abbi:I'm like, yes, Mr. George Bush. Whatever you say, Mr. George Bush. Dick Cheney, go easy on me, dude.

Abbi · Ilana:Before I know it, I'm gonna wake up and be 23 and my life's gonna be behind me. You know that I'm 25, right?

Ilana:Abbi, you are ageless. That's a different thing.

Abbi:If anyone's gonna pretend like they have cancer, it's gonna be me.

Abbi · Ilana:You know what? I look too nice. You look really nice, yeah. No, I look like vanilla.

Store Clerk:That'll be $438.

Abbi · Store Clerk:It's 30 days. I will see you in 30 days, then. Bitch!

Ilana:We're the sexiest girls here. 'Cause we have, like, the fattest asses, you know?

Ilana:We were roommates for a second.

Ilana:paparazzi all up in our face

Abbi:Move, honk, honk. Pardon me. Out of the way, clavicle. Okay, five-nine, I can't even, like, deal with you right now.

Bartender:The West Nile Coolatta is very popular, but I would recommend 'The sex trafficking on the beach' or 'The tsunami slide.'

Bartender · Abbi:Well, 6% of the proceeds go to the tsunami. What tsunami? Whichever one happens next.

Waiter:Just now a child in South America died of starvation. Would you like another?

Abbi · Waiter:Hold on, do you just have one fact that you repeat? Well, you're the first people to actually want a second.

Abbi · Man:This is the men's room. Adoy!

Abbi:Well, well, well. What do we have here?

Abbi:This church bell techno song still has 27 minutes left.

DJ:We've been asked to play whale songs, so that's probably not gonna happen.

Abbi · DJ:I like that 'I Dream of Jeannie' hair. Thanks. You grant wishes?

Abbi:I've cleaned more pubes than you have on your entire body. I look at you for a second, I can tell you got no pubes.

Random Guy · Ilana:You got a friend? Who's a female? Yeah, chocolate brown eyes, ass of an angel.

DJ · Abbi:What kind of lotion do you use? You know, like, normal stuff. Yeah, like Occitane?

Beard DJ:Nice backpack.

Beard DJ:That's my grandfather's sweater. He's dead and this is the last thing of his I have. Sometimes I sleep in it

Beard DJ:I cried so hard I thought I didn't have any more tears left in me. He was like my best friend, you know? And my worst enemy.

Abbi · Ilana:I'm, like, so hard right now. Ew, you're hard?

Abbi · Ilana:I know you don't like the word 'horny.' No, I don't like the word 'horny,' but I'm not a big fan of 'hard,' either, for a lady.

Beard DJ:I eat sour straws like every day.

Clean DJ · Abbi:Shower's all set, you ready to go? I love smelly girls.

DJ:This is just a hilarious coincidence.

Abbi:you made us walk up eight flights of stairs, you sick weirdos.

Ilana:You know what, though? Three out of 12 is still a respectable number. I'm happy with it.

Abbi · Ilana:Thanks a lot, Halliburton. What does Halliburton have to do with your work? I... I don't know.

Ilana:I mean an orgy in a non-sexual way. Just for, like, the Arc de Triomphe, that's it.

Ilana:It's when two dudes go down on us, this is how I picture it. And they're butt to butt and then you and I do Oprah hands.

Ilana · Abbi:Exactly, it's like a feminism thing. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I'm being sarcastic.