Apartment Hunters

Abbi:Drake's 'Started From the Bottom' plays as Abbi attempts to deposit her $8,000 check at the bank — a grandiose anthem for a modest windfall

Ilana:Ilana hype-commentates to the bank teller about Abbi's illustration sale: 'This bitch right here drew this illustration, and a sexy-ass new dating web site bought it for $8,000!'

Ilana:'Hey, came from her heart.' — Ilana doubles down to the teller as if that's relevant banking information

Ilana:Ilana sings a spontaneous Ludacris-style jingle at the teller: '♪ For somebody who works at the bank, I thought you'd be more responsible with money ♪' — then just says 'Ludacris.'

Ilana:Ilana at the bank: 'I also have some business with the bank. I'd like to cash these nickels, and I'll have them in quarters, please.'

Abbi · Bevers:Abbi comes home to find Bevers 'straightening up the living room' — holding a blanket, surrounded by Abbi's belongings arranged as masturbation props

Abbi:Abbi: 'You were jerking off. In the communal space! You don't even live here!'

Bevers:Bevers: 'I wasn't even touching my wiener yet. I was still just doing butt stuff.'

Abbi · Bevers:Abbi: 'Bevers, I swear to God that better be E.R.' / Bevers: 'It's... Good Wife.'

Abbi · Bevers:Abbi: 'You have a way of tainting everything I love.' / Bevers: 'Taint? Don't.'

Abbi:Abbi declares she's moving out — immediately, emphatically — with the energy of someone who's been wronged on a historical scale

Bevers:Bevers's reaction shot — 'Yeah, see how it goes. You see how it goes!' — he doesn't believe she'll actually move

Bevers:Bevers quietly says 'Sorry' — a single syllable, totally unconvincing, as Abbi leaves

Ilana:Ilana's mantra for frustration: 'Human being! Huge feelings.' — shouted into the air

Ilana:Ilana confirms she did return the cable box, then reminds Abbi: 'That old lady spit on you in line.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana see their real estate broker Pam for the first time — a long beat of stunned silence and stuttered 'Hi's

Pam:Pam, just before showing apartments: 'Don't shake my hand, it was just down my pants.'

Pam · Abbi · Ilana:Pam shows a literal hallway as an apartment: 'It is a beautiful railroad-style apartment in your budget.'

Pam:Pam: 'Where isn't the bathroom?' — in response to being asked where the bathroom is in the hallway apartment

Ilana:Ilana's response: 'Jeez, wear a catheter, go in the corner.'

Pam · Ilana:Pam: 'You can fit a king size bed in here.' / Ilana: 'Yeah, if you fold it up like a taco.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'God, why am I so turned on right now?' — after the taco bed comment

Pam:Pam: 'Don't bully me, all right — I can't take it! I was cyberbullied within an inch of my life last night.'

Pam:Pam: 'I make dolls out of human hair. Who's thirsty?'

Pam:Pam, in the car: 'God, I hope there's not another speed bump. I've got 18 stitches down there in my Susie.'

Pam:Pam: 'You know, the doctor said they'd disintegrate, but they haven't. Maybe I should get 'em yanked out. Maybe I can yank 'em out. You got any tweezers on ya?'

Pam:Pam: 'God, I love this car. It's so little, you know, you can basically park it anywhere.' — while Ilana is on hold with the cable company

Ilana:The cable company hold recording: 'Thank you for holding. You are no longer on pre-hold. You are on actual hold.'

Pam:Pam: 'It's a prewar building built right after the Iraq war.'

Pam · Unknown tenant:Pam: 'How's that mattress treatin' ya?' / 'I can't sleep like this. I feel like I'm in a coffin.' / Pam: 'I slept in a coffin once. It wasn't that bad, except for the body.'

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana and Abbi scramble out of Pam's tiny car — physical comedy of getting untangled, 'Your hand's on my ass'

Ilana:Ilana yells at the cable company hold robot: '(Bleep) you, robot!'

Pam:Pam: 'Come on, let's hurry up. I gotta get home and feed my Oscar fish.'

Pam:Pam: 'Hey, you guys know that television show Friends? Yes, it's a great show, right? Here's this place.'

Unknown voice:Behind the apartment wall: a muffled voice screaming 'Help! Please call the police! They tied me up! I think they're Filipino! They took my baby!'

Pam:Pam, after Ilana leaves the apartment: '...The walls are really thick.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana searching for the cable remote in Ilana's apartment — finds a dictaphone; Ilana: 'That's my old dictaphone from high school.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'Is a dick phone?' / Ilana: 'Dic-ta-phone.' / Abbi: 'Oh, I was... "Hello? Hello, Dick."'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'Great idea number nine. It's like Facebook, but just for photos. I guess it could be videos too, but mostly photos.' / Abbi: 'Ilana, you invented the Instagram.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana's drug logic: 'I bet I was high the last time I had my remote. Maybe if I get high again I'll remember where I put it.' / Abbi: 'Aren't you already high?' / Ilana: 'I mean, like, more high. Is "higher." "Highest."'

Ilana:Ilana's weed-induced memory flashback sequence — Brooklyn apartment → living room → couch → 'Sex on the couch' → 'Bad sex. Really bad sex. The worst sex. Dale!'

Abbi · Ilana · Mark:Abbi's Craigslist speculation: 'That dude just posted for women, and then just kills them. Or do you think he has sex with them and then kills them? Or did he kill them, then have sex with them?' / Abbi's Craigslist date: 'You're both right.'

Mark:The Craigslist room-viewer Mark: 'Oh, sorry, this is Mark. Please, enter me. I mean, please, enter me. Please enter and come on up.'

Ilana · Dale:Ilana calls Dale; before she can ask her question, Dale says 'Herpes? Yeah, all over.' — preemptively confessing

Dale:Dale's romantic suggestions: 'Why don't you come over? I'll make my encrusted salmon.' / 'What about that Italian restaurant where our souls merged?'

Ilana · Dale:Ilana: 'Our souls never merged, dude.' / Dale: 'Yeah, I know.' — the saddest two words in the episode

Mark:Mark: 'It's so deep, you could wash a baby in there.' / [pause] 'I have.'

Mark · Abbi:Mark: 'So what's your shoe size?' / Abbi: 'Nine.' / Mark: 'Hmm. Men's or women's?'

Ilana · Mark:Ilana finds another room in the Craigslist apartment: 'Abbi, check it out — there's another room in here!' Mark: 'I see you found my breakfast nook.'

Mark:Mark: 'The one bathroom is in there. But it's pretty much your private bathroom. I almost never go. Except when I do go, I really go. It's a major problem. You'll have to stay in a hotel for a couple days. I'll pay for it, of course.'

Ilana · Mark:Ilana: 'What hotel?' / Mark: 'Holiday Inn Express?' / Ilana: 'She'll take it.'

Ilana · Dale:Dale park meeting: Ilana brings 'It's a boy' balloons — 'It's all they had left at Key Foods.'

Dale · Ilana:Dale: 'You don't have to pretend anymore. I know why you left that remote. You want to get back together. And I'm in.' / Ilana: 'Dale, we were never together!'

Ilana:Ilana defines the relationship: 'We were roommates who had sex a small handful of times because the train wasn't running to Manhattan on the weekends.'

Dale · Ilana:Dale: 'Say the word, and I'll leave my fiancée.' / Ilana: 'You're engaged?' / Dale: 'And you brought her?' — she is apparently present

Dale:Dale: 'Just say you'll give us a shot, and I'll give the driver a signal, and he will take her straight to Newark airport.'

Dale:Dale's exiting disclosures: 'Please don't tell Amanda I told you I'd leave her. Please don't tell her I bought her a one-way ticket to Santa Fe. What? Please don't tell her I have herpes!'

Ilana:Ilana to herself: 'Do I or do I not have herpes? I do, you don't. Oh, God.'

Abbi · Potential roommate:The perfect roommate apartment: crown molding, built-ins, quiet sex, beach weekends — and Abbi settles it with 'Yeah, so is mine, with myself, right?'

Abbi:The SelectDate commercial turns out to be a racist dating site: 'For whites who are single and ready to mingle... the final solution to your dating problems.'

Abbi:Abbi, panicked and alone with the shocked potential roommates: 'I love all races. "Races," not "racists." You guys are— I wouldn't— And it's a— It's probably not national. It's just like, um— Probably it's just—'

Ilana:Ilana's awkward explanation to the potential roommates: 'I'm so sorry. I don't know her that well. I'm just bonin' her friend, and so I just hang out with her. You know how you gotta hang out with your girl's friends?'

Potential roommates:The potential roommates' reaction: a sustained, horrified silence — 'Hmm.'

Ilana · Cable employee:The cable company reveals Ilana returned the wrong remote — they hold up visual proof: 'This is the wrong remote. This is the right remote.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'I had to find out I may or may not have herpes to get this remote!' — summarizing her day to the cable company

Cable employee:Cable company employee reveals they are the only employee: 'I also do billing, installation programming, and I compose the on hold music.' Then: 'Oh no, no, this is the "waiting room" music. I compose that too. I'm actually the only person who works here.'

Ilana · Cable Company Employee:Ilana: 'Oh, and you know what? I hate your music.' Employee: 'So do I.'

Cable employee:The resolution: 'You can either mail in a check for $1,000, or come in person and pay $5.' / 'You're only the fifth person ever to come in.'

Ilana · Cable employee:Ilana: 'I can pay in quarters, right?' / Cable employee: 'Oh, actually no. Our system's down and we only take nickels. Sorry.'

Ilana · Cable employee:Ilana: 'Oh, and you know what? I hate your music.' / Cable employee: 'So do I.'

Bevers · Abbi:Bevers attempts to apologize with bagel bites arranged in the shape of an 'A' — 'because I know how you like to label your food'

Bevers:Bevers's extended masturbation description — 'I like to start off slow... work the tempo up and up... lick a thumb... brush it lightly against the nipples... there's a [bleep] there... I like to apply pressure... then right when I'm [bleep], I [bleep], then I [bleep] into the [bleep], hard, hard, hard. And then I [bleep], and it just— it— it— It's a very powerful feeling.'

Bevers:After Bevers's entire masturbation description, he ends with: 'Whoa, cool shirt.'

Ilana · Child:Child at the store who lectures Ilana: 'I'm seven, and you're being inappropriate.' / Ilana: 'Bitch, you're 22.'

Ilana · Lincoln:Ilana admits to Lincoln: 'your dentist and I have been having sexual intercourse on the regular for about five months' — Lincoln: 'Ilana, it's been a year and a half!'

Ilana:Ilana: 'Don't do drugs. That's— That's the takeaway. Don't do drugs. It's like I have no memories, man. I can't remember a thing! I wake up, I'm like aah! It's scary.'

Ilana:Ilana never found the right remote: 'But wherever it is, I hope it's happy.'