The Note

Jerry:Everyone always says their doctor is 'the best.' 'Oh, you gotta see my doctor, he's the best.' But think about it — if everyone's doctor is the best, then somebody's gotta be graduating at the bottom of medical school. There's gotta be some guy who came in last. And he's out there practicing medicine somewhere.

Jerry:You know, there are bad doctors out there. I mean, think about it — for every good doctor, there's a bad doctor. And that bad doctor had to graduate from medical school.

Jerry:So somewhere out there, there's a doctor who got a D in medical school. A D! 'Congratulations, you passed. Try not to kill anyone.'

Jerry:And people go to see this guy. Someone recommended him! 'Oh, you need a doctor? Go see Dr. Kevorkian. Great guy. My uncle went to him — he's dead now, but he went.'

Jerry:I went to this doctor, and I swear he was a butcher. The guy didn't know what he was doing.

Jerry:So I go to the doctor, right? And he says, 'Tell him you know me.' I'm thinking, what does that mean? I know you! You're my doctor!

Kramer:No, no, no. It means you tell the next guy you know me. Then he gives you the good stuff.

Jerry:The good stuff? What good stuff? He's a doctor, not a drug dealer.

Kramer:Exactly! But if you know somebody, you get real medicine. If you don't know anybody, you get Tic Tacs.

Jerry:Tic Tacs? How is that medicine?

Kramer:It's not! That's the beauty of it. The placebo effect, baby. You think you're getting medicine, you feel better.

George:What's the worst part of being blind? Bugs in food and the grotesque physical description.

George:I'm like a little kid. I gotta feel around with my lips and my tongue to see what I'm eating.

Jerry:You're like a little kid?

George:Yeah, I don't know what it is. I can't just put it in my mouth and start chewing.

George:Wait a minute. I'm not feeling well. I could be a kidnapper.

George:What do you mean forged? You think someone would forge a nanny reference?

Jerry:It's possible.

George:Well, now I'm worried. What if all the references are forged? What if there's a whole underground forged nanny reference ring?

Jerry:You know, I think masseuses are bored. I think they hear the same sounds over and over. So I feel like I gotta entertain them a little bit. I'm like, 'Hey, did you see that thing on the news about the...' And they're just standing there with their hands on your back, like, 'Please. Just breathe.'

George:I can't enjoy a massage. I'm lying there, the guy's working on my shoulders, and I'm thinking, 'What did I do to deserve this? I'm not a good person. I don't volunteer. I've never given blood.' So I start talking to ease the guilt.

Jerry:So, uh, you been doing this long? That's great. You know, it's funny, I was reading about child abduction the other day.

Jerry:You know what I hate about Chinese food? The ginger. They put ginger in everything. I don't want ginger in my food. I didn't order ginger. Why is there ginger? It's like they're trying to make me sneeze while I'm eating.

George:Wait a minute... your name is Raymond? Raymond is a woman's name!

Masseuse:No, it's not.

George:Yes it is! I went to school with a Raymond. She was a girl.

George:Wait, Raymond is a man?

Receptionist:Yes.

George:Wait, Raymond is a man?

George:Oh my God. Oh my God!

George:I'm not gay! I'm not gay!

George:What's the difference? A massage is a massage.

Elaine:It's not the same thing, George. I need a female masseuse.

George:Why? They're both just gonna rub your back.

Elaine:It's different when it's a man.

George:How is it different? It's therapeutic!

Elaine:Because a man touching me like that... it's intimate.

George:So what are you saying - a woman can touch you but a man can't? That's sexist!

Elaine:It's not sexist, it's just how I feel.

George:Well, I'm uncomfortable with a man massaging me too, but you don't see me making a big deal about it.

George:Look, if there's gonna be sexual tension, it should be between two people who actually want it. Not me and some woman who's just trying to get through her day without hearing about my medical problems.

George:What if I enjoy it? What if the guy is really good and I... I can't help myself? I'm lying there and it feels amazing and I just... lose control?

Jerry:George, it's a massage.

George:You don't understand! What if I get... comfortable? What if I start looking forward to it? What if I need it?

George:A massage? I don't want a massage. I don't like being touched. I don't like the idea of a stranger rubbing their hands all over my body.

George:And another thing - I'm very ticklish. The whole thing is just a nightmare for me.

Elaine:What's wrong with wanting a massage?

George:Exactly!

George · Elaine:George: 'What if it felt good?' / Elaine: 'It's supposed to feel good.' / George: 'I don't want it to feel good.' / Elaine: 'Then why get the massage?' / George: 'Exactly.'

Raymond:What's with the form? You fill this out?

George:Yeah, I filled it out. What's the big deal?

Raymond:The big deal? You wrote 'Importer-Exporter' as your job.

George:I am an importer-exporter! Well, I... I mean, I could be. I... Look, it's not like I'm lying. I'm just... exploring possibilities.

Raymond:So how'd you hurt your hamstring?

George:Bending.

Raymond:Bending? What were you bending to do?

George:Pick something up.

Raymond:What were you picking up?

George:A button.

Raymond:A button? You hurt your hamstring picking up a button?

George:It was a nice button.

George:I can't... I can't talk about it.

Jerry:George, what happened?

George:You don't understand. Some things... some things you just can't say out loud.

Jerry:It can't be that bad.

George:You want to know? You really want to know? I can't even think about it without feeling like I'm going to be sick.

George:She grabbed me like a rag doll and started rubbing me down like I was a pot roast.

Jerry:That's a massage.

George:I can't even say what 'there' is.

George:I'm a little excited.

Jerry:So you're telling me you can't move?

George:I'm not moving, Jerry. I'm shifting.

Jerry:What's the difference?

George:Moving is when you go somewhere. Shifting is when you stay in the same place but rearrange your life!

George:I have a test. I have a foolproof test. If you can name the last episode of M*A*S*H, you're heterosexual.

George:If you cried, you're a homosexual.

George:So what you're saying is, you want to test the relationship?

Jerry:I'm not saying I want to test it. I'm just saying, if we're going to be together, we should know we can handle it.

George:Handle what?

Jerry:Being apart. Not seeing each other for a while. My gym teacher used to say, 'The true test of a relationship is whether you can be apart and still want to be together.'

George:Your gym teacher said that?

Jerry:He was a very wise man. Very wise about relationships.

Jerry:Wait, what are you doing at Dinky Doughnuts at two in the morning?

Kramer:I saw Joe DiMaggio!

Jerry:Joe DiMaggio? What would Joe DiMaggio be doing at Dinky Doughnuts?

Kramer:He was getting a coffee!

Jerry:Joe DiMaggio doesn't go to Dinky Doughnuts. Joe DiMaggio goes to nice places. Joe DiMaggio is a classy guy. He's not gonna be in some greasy doughnut shop at two in the morning.

Kramer:Well, maybe he was hungry!

Jerry:Then he goes to a nice Italian restaurant. He doesn't go to Dinky Doughnuts!

George:I don't want any male contact. I don't want to shake hands, I don't want to hug, I don't want to high-five. Nothing.

George:I don't want anyone watching me in the bathroom. It's not natural. A man needs his privacy.

Jerry:Wait, Joe DiMaggio lives in Florida?

Kramer:Yeah, he's got a condo down there.

Jerry:Joe DiMaggio? The Yankee Clipper? Living in Florida like he's some retiree playing shuffleboard?

Jerry:I don't understand. You're telling me you need a whole bathroom just for that? What are you doing in there, taking a census?

Roy:You don't like Evander Holyfield?

George:I don't have to like him. I don't know him. Why do I have to like him?

Kramer:He dunks his donuts in coffee.

Jerry:So what? Everybody dunks.

Kramer:Joe DiMaggio?

Jerry:I'm telling you, he dunks.

Kramer:Hey Joe! Joe DiMaggio!

Kramer:Hey, hey! DiMaggio! DiMaggio!

Kramer:Come on, Joe! Joe!

Kramer:Giddy-up! Giddy-up!

Kramer:Arooooo! Arooooo!

Kramer:You see, the key to a good donut is in the dunking. It's all in the wrist.

Jerry:What are you talking about?

Kramer:DiMaggio. Joe DiMaggio. He had the perfect swing. Fifty-six game hitting streak. The man was a machine.

Kramer:You dunk a donut like that, you're gonna have the perfect bite every time.

George:I'm just gonna jump over this puddle.

George:Not a problem.

Jerry:What was that?

George:What was what?

Jerry:That little hop thing you did.

George:I was jumping over the puddle.

Jerry:You looked like you were skipping.

George:I was not skipping.

Jerry:Well, maybe the kids were onto something.

Jerry:So you're telling me you filed a claim for the dry cleaning?

Elaine:I thought you were going to handle it!

Jerry:Me? I assumed you took care of it.

Elaine:Well now we've both filed. We're committing insurance fraud.

Jerry:This is your fault.

Elaine:My fault? You're the one who said 'I'll handle it.'

Jerry:I never said that!

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer complains about seating: 'What's with you?' / Kramer: 'You were too close to me. I was all scrunched in there.' / Jerry: 'Hey, you scrunched me.' / Kramer: 'I sat down here first.'

George:I'm not happy. I'm not happy.

George:At work, they make fun of me. I don't have a nice apartment. I drive a Datsun. Women don't find me attractive.

George:My life is a lie!

George:And it's not going to get any better, is it?

George:I know I'm not gonna get married. I'm gonna end up alone. It's very depressing.

Jerry:So the insurance company won't pay because they say it's a pre-existing condition.

Julianna:Wait, you keep calling me about this? Why do you have my number?

Jerry:You gave it to me at the coffee shop.

Julianna:I did not. And now you're showing up at my apartment? This is stalking, Jerry.

Jerry:I'm not stalking you, I'm just trying to explain the insurance situation!

Julianna:You need to stop calling me and showing up here, or I'm calling the police.

George:I'm sorry, okay? I had an involuntary physical reaction. It just happened!

George:What do you want from me? I'm only human.

George:It's not a lie if you believe it.

George:These people, they're in my head. They won't leave me alone.

George:I'm trying to have a conversation with someone real, and suddenly there's Marlon Brando sitting next to me eating a tuna sandwich.

Kramer:He's a good-looking guy!

George:What?! A good-looking guy? Kramer, what are you talking about?

Jerry:What causes homophobia in heterosexual men? It's like a sales thing. A gay guy hits on you, and you realize: 'Oh my God, I'm a product! I can be sold!' It's the only thing that scares a heterosexual man more than his own mortality—the realization that he's marketable.

Jerry:You know, it's amazing what we'll buy when we're not thinking straight. I once bought a sweater because the salesman said it brought out my eyes. My eyes! Like they needed bringing out.

Jerry:And then I realized - any man who buys something because of what a salesman tells him is a man who's lost control of his life. Next thing you know, you're married to the sweater.

Jerry:That's why men have these irrational fears. It's not about commitment or intimacy - it's about the fact that somewhere in our closet is a terrible purchase we made, and we're terrified a woman is going to find it and realize we have no judgment whatsoever.

Salesman:So what'll it be? You want the heterosexual package or the homosexual package?

Jerry:Uh, I'm not really shopping right now.

Salesman:Come on, don't be shy! We've got a special running this week. Buy one orientation, get the other half off!

Jerry:I think you're misunderstanding the whole concept here.

Salesman:Look, I'm gonna level with you. You seem like a bright guy. The homosexual package, it's a really popular item. A lot of people are switching over. Very trendy.

Jerry:It's not a package! It's not something you just... buy!

Jerry · George · Elaine:Roy calls: he's under investigation for insurance fraud. The three friends' silent horror as this sinks in — long pause before anyone speaks.

Elaine · Jerry · George:Elaine: 'I told you.' / Jerry: 'Told me what? I didn't say anything.' / George: 'Three notes. How stupid was that? We never should've got three notes.' / Elaine: 'Three notes? Yeah. You, me and George.' / Jerry: 'You got me a note?' / Elaine: 'But I got my own note.' / Jerry: 'You what?' / Elaine: 'I got a note from my gynecologist. I didn't know you'd get me a note.'

Jerry:Jerry: 'He's got a wife, kids and a lot of other stuff.' — trailing off

George · Elaine:That's how he got caught. We sent in four notes from two doctors. How could you do that to your friend? / He's got a wife, kids and a lot of other stuff.

Jerry · George · Roy:At Roy's office — guilt exchange: 'I mean, the whole thing, it's just....' / 'Tragic.' / 'Well, it's not tragic.' / 'No?' / 'No. It's...' / 'Unsettling?' / 'Okay.' / 'I mean, what if they—?' / 'I hope you're both happy.'

Jerry · George:Jerry: 'I'm not happy.' / George: 'Me neither. I've never been happy.' / Jerry: 'I mean, I'm happy sometimes, but not now.' / George: 'In college, maybe.' / Jerry: 'Those were fun times.' / George: 'Yeah, college was fun.'

Jerry · Pam:Roy's assistant Pam: 'I hope you're both happy' — later Jerry says of Pam: 'I've just met her, but I'm very impressed.'

Roy · George:Roy reveals the physical therapist must say the complaint 'was related to a dental problem.' George stares blankly: 'What?'

George · Receptionist · Julianna · Raymond:George's attempted apology visit: 'I know I don't have an appointment, but it's really important.' / 'I told you she's not here.' / 'I know she's mad at me, but I really have to speak with her.' / Eventually: 'Run, Billy! Run to the office and close the door. Call the police.' / George: 'What is the—?' / Raymond walks in: 'Hi, George.' / George: 'Hello. Raymond?'

George · Raymond:Hi, George. / Hello. / Raymond?

Jerry · George:Jerry: 'Well, I mean, it's only a six-month probation. It's a slap on the wrist.' / George: 'I still don't see any dinner invitations forthcoming.'

George:George: 'Men have been popping into my sexual fantasies. All of a sudden, I'll be in the middle of— And a guy will appear from out of nowhere. I said, 'Get out of here. What do you want? You don't belong here.' They talk back. They go, 'Hey, George, how's it going?''

George · Jerry:Men have been popping into my sexual fantasies. / All of a sudden, I'll be in the middle. / Of what? / And a guy will appear from out of nowhere. I said, 'Get out of here. What do you want? You don't belong here.' / What do they do? / They talk back. They go, 'Hey, George, how's it going?' I said, 'Get the hell out of here.'

Kramer:Kramer: 'Hey, it's the K-Man.' — walking in, referring to himself in the third person

Kramer:Kramer: 'Just came from Roy's. I threw up from the gas.'

Jerry · George · Kramer:The third DiMaggio sighting — this time all three see him: 'Oh, my God. It's... Joe DiMaggio. Having a cup of coffee.' / 'And he's dunking.' / 'Look at him. The Yankee Clipper.'

Kramer · Jerry · George:Oh, my God. It's... / What? / Joe DiMaggio. Having a cup of coffee. / And he's dunking. / Yeah. / Look at him. / The Yankee Clipper.

Jerry · George:Jerry points out DiMaggio to George: 'Here. You see? Now, that is a handsome man.' George: 'Oh, please.'

Kramer · Jerry · George:Here. [Kramer pushes George toward DiMaggio] / Oh, please. / Wait. Hold on a minute. Wait. [long pause] / See? I told you.

Jerry:Stand-up closer: 'What causes homophobia? What is it that makes a heterosexual man worry? I think it's because men know that deep down, we have weak sales resistance. We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. Men think, 'Obviously, I can be talked into anything.'

Jerry:I think it's because men know that deep down we have weak sales resistance. We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. Men think, 'Obviously, I can be talked into anything.'

Jerry:'What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store, thinking it's a shoe store, and the salesman goes: 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around the store. See how you feel. No obligation, no pressure, just try it. Would you like to see him in a sandal?'''