Jerry Seinfeld

Jerry:You get ready, you pick out the clothes... get the cash, get your friends, the car, the spot, the reservation. Then you stand around. What do you do? You go, 'We gotta be getting back.'

Jerry:Jerry on the second button: 'The second button literally makes or breaks the shirt. It's in no man's land. You look like you live with your mother.'

Jerry:It's too high. It's in no man's land. You look like you live with your mother.

Claire · Jerry:Claire's assessment: 'No one has any interest in seeing you on caffeine'

Jerry · George:Jerry describes Laura: 'Talking with her was like talking with you, but obviously much better'

George · Jerry:I hate to tell you this. You're not gonna see her. / What? Are you serious? Why did she call? / What do I know? Maybe she wanted to be polite. / To be polite? / You are insane.

Jerry:Jerry's non-sequitur: 'Oh, I get it. This is about the button.'

George · Claire · Jerry:Claire confirms George's theory without hesitation: 'I'd have to say no.' / George: 'So why did she call?' / Claire: 'Be polite.'

Jerry:Jerry: 'Oh, come on. Be a "come-with" guy.'

Jerry · George:Jerry tells George: 'Don't worry. I gave him a little caffeine.' George: 'Right. I knew I felt something.'

Jerry:Jerry: 'You can't overdry.' / 'Same reason you can't overwet. Once something is wet, it's wet. Same thing with death.'

Jerry:Jerry's laundry stand-up: 'The washing machine is the nightclub of clothes. It's dark, there's bubbles happening, they're all dancing around. A shirt grabs the underwear. "Come on, babe. Let's go."'

Jerry:Jerry on socks: 'They hate their lives. They're with stinky feet, the boring drawers. The dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it. They plan it in the hamper the night before.'

Jerry:They do escape from the dryer. They plan it in the hamper the night before. 'Tomorrow, the dryer, I'm going. You wait here.'

Jerry:Jerry: 'The dryer door swings open, the sock is waiting up against the side wall... He goes down the road. They get buttons sewn on their face, join a puppet show.'

Jerry:Jerry on bloodstain detergent ads: 'You got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it, maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now. Maybe you ought to get the harpoon out of your chest first.'

Jerry:You got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it... maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now.

Jerry:Jerry on the phone: 'If you know what happened in the Met game, don't tell me. I taped it.'

Jerry · Kessler:Kessler enters and immediately spoils the game: 'Boy, the Mets blew it tonight, huh?' / Jerry: 'Oh, what are you doing?'

Jerry · Kessler:Kessler: 'You got any meat?' / Jerry: 'Meat? I don't know. Go hunt.'

Jerry · Kessler:After a pause, Kessler asks: 'Well, what happened in the game, anyway?' / Jerry: 'Well, they stunk! That's what happened.'

Jerry · Kessler:Jerry: 'You almost went to the game. You haven't left the building in 10 years.'

Jerry:Jerry: 'That girl's not coming. I misread the whole thing.' — establishing the George/signal reversal

Kessler · Jerry:Kessler: 'You want me to talk to her?' / Jerry: 'I don't think so.' / Kessler: 'No, I can be very persuasive. You know that I was almost a lawyer? That close, huh?'

George · Jerry:George trying to grab the phone while Jerry talks to Laura: 'Oh, give me it. Let me talk.' / 'Now slide!'

Kessler · Jerry:Now slide! / Out. Do you believe that? / It's just my neighbor.

Jerry · George:Jerry, after hanging up: 'I don't believe it. That was her. She wants to stay here.'

George · Jerry:George: 'All right. One more time. What was the exact phrasing of the request?' / Jerry: 'She couldn't find a decent hotel room.' / George: 'A decent hotel room. Would it be terribly inconvenient if she stayed at my place?' / 'This is New York City. There must be 11 million decent hotel rooms.'

George · Jerry:George: 'What do you need, a flag? This is the signal, Jerry. This is the signal.' / Jerry: 'Thank you, Mr. Signal.'

George · Jerry:George's excuse: 'I think I was affected by the caffeine.' / Jerry: 'Good dog. Good dog.'

Kessler · Jerry:Kessler asks about the bed: 'Is this for that girl?' / Jerry: 'Yeah.' / Kessler: 'Why even give her an option?'

Jerry · George:George: 'This is how you operate?' / Jerry: 'Yeah, I wish.'

Jerry:Jerry stand-up: 'If a woman comes over to my house, I gotta get that bathroom ready because she needs things. I don't know what. I know I don't have it, I know that.'

Jerry:Jerry's cotton balls bit: 'Women need cotton balls. I've never been in a situation where I thought to myself: "I could use a cotton ball right now. I could certainly get out of this mess."'

Jerry:Jerry: 'The only time I ever see them is in the bottom of wastebaskets. Two or three look like they've been through some horrible experience. Tortured, interrogated, I don't know what happened to them.'

Jerry:Jerry: 'I once went out with a girl, she left a little bag of cotton balls at my house. I put them on the floor like little tumbleweeds. I thought cockroaches would see it, figure, "This is a dead town. Let's move on."'

Jerry:Jerry: 'A date is a job interview that lasts all night. The difference between a date and a job interview is not many interviews is there a chance you'll end up naked at the end.'

Jerry:Jerry: '"Bill, the boss thinks you're the man for the position... strip down and meet the people you'll be working with."'

Jerry:Jerry: 'Wouldn't it be great if you could ask a woman what she's thinking? Instead I'm like a detective. I gotta pick up clues. The whole thing's a murder investigation.'

Jerry:Wouldn't it be great if you could ask a woman what she's thinking? What a world it would be if you could just ask a woman what she's thinking. You know, instead I'm like a detective. I gotta pick up clues. The whole thing's a murder investigation.

George · Jerry:George's greeting taxonomy: 'If she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign... anything in the lip area is good... a hug, definitely good... one of those hugs where the shoulders touch but the hips are eight feet apart? Brutal.'

Jerry · George:If she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign. / Anything in the lip area is good. / A hug, definitely good. / What if it's one of those hugs where the shoulders touch, the hips are eight feet apart? / Brutal.

George · Jerry:George: 'Also, a shake is bad. But what if it's the two-hander? Hand on bottom, hand on top. The warm look in the eyes. Hand sandwich?' / Jerry: 'Right.'

George · Jerry · Laura:George: 'So much depends on the layering, the quality of the wetness in the eyes—' — then Laura arrives and blindfolds Jerry as a greeting

Laura · Jerry · George:Guess who. / Hey, hey. / Hey, hey.

Jerry:Jerry offers Laura refreshments: 'Can I get you anything? Bread, water... salad dressing?'

Jerry:I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, okay? I admit, I'm not getting the signals. I am not getting it.

Jerry:Jerry's closing stand-up: 'I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, okay? I admit, I'm not getting the signals.'

Jerry:I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, okay? I admit, I'm not getting the signals. I am not getting it.

Jerry:Jerry: 'Women, they're so subtle. Their little — everything they do is subtle. Men are not subtle. We are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want. What do we want? We want women. That's it.'

Jerry:Women know what men want, men know what men want. What do we want? We want women. That's it. It's the only thing we know for sure.

Jerry:Jerry: 'We want women. How do we get them? We don't know about that. We don't know. The next step after that, we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far.'

Jerry:Jerry mimes a man in a car honking at a passing woman, then: 'This man is out of ideas.'

Jerry:The car horn honk. Is that the beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car. The woman walks by the front of the car. He honks the— / This man is out of ideas.

Jerry:Jerry: 'I don't think she likes me.' — delivered after mime of the horn-honking failing

Jerry:Jerry: 'The amazing thing is that we still get women... How are men getting women? Let me tell you a little bit about our organization.'

Jerry:Jerry: 'Wherever women are, we have a man working on the situation right now. He may not be our best man, okay, we have a lot of areas to cover, but someone from our staff is on the scene.'

Jerry:Wherever women are, we have a man working on the situation right now. Now, he may not be our best man... okay, we have a lot of areas to cover... but someone from our staff is on the scene.

Jerry:Jerry: 'That's why men get frustrated when we see women reading articles like "Where to Meet Men." We're here. We are everywhere. We're honking our horns to serve you better.'

Jerry:That's why men get frustrated when we see women reading articles like 'Where to Meet Men.' We're here. We are everywhere. We're honking our horns to serve you better.

Jerry:Do you know what this is all about? Know why we're here? To be out. This is out. Out is one of the single most enjoyable experiences of life.

Jerry:There are people trying to find us. They don't know where we are. 'Did you re...? I can't find him. Where did he go? He didn't tell me where he was going. He must have gone out.'

Jerry:You wanna go out. You get ready, you pick out the clothes, right? You take the shower, get all ready... get the cash, get your friends, the car, the spot, the reservation. Then you stand around. What do you do? You go, 'We gotta be getting back.'

Jerry:See, to me, that button's in the worst possible spot. The second button literally makes or breaks the shirt. Look at it. It's too high. It's in no man's land. You look like you live with your mother.

George · Jerry:Are you through? / You do, of course, try on when you buy. / Yes, it was purple. I liked it. / I don't actually recall considering the buttons. / Oh, you don't recall. / No, not at this time.

Jerry:Senator, I'd like to know what you knew and when you knew it.

Jerry · George:Can you relax? It's a cup of coffee. / No one has any interest in seeing you on caffeine.

Jerry:Talking with her was like talking with you... but, you know, obviously much better.

Jerry:Oh, I get it. This is about the button.

George · Jerry · Claire:Now, a woman calls me, right? She says she has to... come to New York on business... / You're beautiful. / And maybe... she'll see me when she gets in. Does this woman intend to spend time with me? / I'd have to say no.

Jerry · Claire · George:So why did she call? / Be polite. / To be polite. / I rest my case. / Good, good. Did you have fun?

George · Jerry · Claire:Be a 'come-with' guy. Come on. I'm tired. Don't worry. I gave him a little caffeine. He'll perk up. Right. I knew I felt something.

Jerry:This is the dullest moment I've ever experienced.

Jerry · George:Why don't you just see if it's dry. No, no, no. Don't interrupt the cycle. The machine is working. It knows what it's doing. Just let it finish.

Jerry · George:You're gonna overdry it. / You can't overdry. / Why not? / Same reason you can't overwet. You see, once something is wet, it's wet. Same thing with death. Like, once you die, you're dead. Right? Let's say you drop dead and I shoot you. You're not gonna die again. You're already dead. You can't 'overdie,' you can't overdry.

Jerry:How could she not tell me where she was staying? (delivered in the middle of the laundromat philosophical argument)

Jerry:Laundry day is the only exciting day in the life of clothes. It is. No, think about it. The washing machine is the nightclub of clothes. You know, it's dark, there's bubbles happening... they're all kind of dancing around in there. A shirt grabs the underwear. 'Come on, babe. Let's go.'

Jerry:You come by, open up the lid and they all— (implied: freeze/scatter)

Jerry:Socks are the most amazing article of clothing. They hate their lives. They're with stinky feet... the boring drawers. The dryer is their only chance to escape and they all know it.

Jerry:They do escape from the dryer. They plan it in the hamper... the night before. 'Tomorrow, the dryer, I'm going. You wait here.' The dryer door swings open, the sock is waiting up against the side wall. He hopes you don't see him, then he goes down the road.

Jerry:They get buttons sewn on their face, join a puppet show.

Jerry:So they're showing me on television... the detergents getting out bloodstains. Is this a violent image to anybody? Bloodstains?

Jerry:Come on. You got a T-shirt with bloodstains all over it... maybe laundry isn't your biggest problem right now. Maybe you ought to get the harpoon out of your chest first.

Jerry:If you know what happened in the Met game, don't tell me. I taped it. Hello.

Jerry · Kessler:Kessler, it's a tape. I taped the game. It's 1:00 in the morning. I avoided human contact all night to watch this.

Kessler · Jerry:You got any meat? / Meat? / I don't know. Go hunt.

Kessler · Jerry:You know I almost wound up going to that game? / You almost went to the game. You haven't left the building in 10 years.

George · Jerry:I thought I wasn't allowed to be in here this weekend. / No, it's okay now. That girl's not coming. / I misread the whole thing.

George · Jerry:You want me to talk to her? I don't think so. No, I can be very persuasive. You know that I was almost a lawyer? That close, huh? You better believe it.

George · Jerry:Oh, give me it. Let me talk. / No. What's up? / Well, let me talk to her. / I'm always up at this hour.

Jerry · George:I'll get my friend George to take me. / Now slide!

Jerry:Out. Do you believe that? It's just my neighbor.

Jerry:I don't believe it. That was her. She wants to stay here.

George · Jerry:This is the signal, Jerry. This is the signal. / This is the signal. / Thank you, Mr. Signal. Where were you yesterday? / I think I was affected by the caffeine.

Jerry · George:Hey, he really likes you, George. / Well, that's flattering. / He's getting a drink of water.

Jerry · George:This is how you operate? / Yeah, I wish.

Jerry:Wouldn't it be great if you could ask a woman what she's thinking? What a world it would be if you could just ask a woman what she's thinking. You know, instead I'm like a detective. I gotta pick up clues. The whole thing's a murder investigation.

George · Jerry:If she puts the bags down before she greets you, that's a good sign. Anything in the lip area is good. A hug, definitely good. What if it's one of those hugs where the shoulders touch... the hips are eight feet apart? Brutal.

George · Jerry:Also, a shake is bad. Shake is bad. But what if it's the two-hander? Hand on bottom, hand on top. The warm look in the eyes. / Hand sandwich? / Right. It's open to interpretation. So much depends on the layering... the quality of the wetness in the eyes—

Laura · Jerry:Guess who. / Hey, hey. He... / Hey, hey.

Jerry · George:That was an interesting greeting. Notice that, George? / Yes, the surprise blindfold greeting. / That wasn't in the manual.

Laura · Jerry:This place isn't so bad. / Yeah, it kind of motivates me to work on the road.

Jerry:So can I get you anything? Bread, water... salad dressing?

Jerry · Laura:You're engaged? / You know, you really have no idea what it's like until you do it. I'm on this emotional roller coaster. / You're engaged? / You know, I can't believe it myself sometimes. You have to start thinking in terms of 'we.' It's a very stressful situation. / You're engaged. / Yeah, he's a great guy.

Jerry:I swear, I have absolutely no idea what women are thinking. I don't get it, okay? I admit, I'm not getting the signals. I am not getting it.

Jerry:Women, they're so subtle. Their little... Everything they do is subtle. Men are not subtle. We are obvious. Women know what men want, men know what men want. What do we want? We want women. That's it.

Jerry:We want women. How do we get them? We don't know about that. We don't know. The next step after that, we have no idea. This is why you see men honking car horns, yelling from construction sites. These are the best ideas we've had so far.

Jerry:The car horn honk. Is that the beauty? Have you seen men doing this? What is this? The man is in the car. The woman walks by the front of the car. He honks the... This man is out of ideas.

Jerry:I don't think she likes me. (delivered after miming the car-horn honk)

Jerry:I don't think she likes me.

Jerry:The amazing thing is that we still get women, don't we? I mean, men are with women. You see men with women. How are men getting women? Many people wonder. Let me tell you a little bit about our organization.

Jerry:Wherever women are, we have a man working on the situation right now. Now, he may not be our best man... okay, we have a lot of areas to cover... but someone from our staff is on the scene.

Jerry:That's why men get frustrated when we see women reading articles like 'Where to Meet Men.' We're here. We are everywhere. We're honking our horns to serve you better.

Jerry:The 'giving the toe' riff — suggesting the middle finger is less insulting than showing someone your toe because of the effort involved

Jerry:'You could just give someone the toe, really, couldn't you?'

Jerry:That is the single greatest packing performance I have ever seen. I am the master packer.

Jerry:What you must understand, Elaine, packing is like leading men into battle. You've got to know the strengths and weaknesses of every soldier. From a collapsible toothbrush to a pair of ordinary black socks.

Jerry · Elaine:Oh, the actress/waitress. — No. The waitress/actress.

Jerry:Two bedrooms? Why do I need two bedrooms? I've got enough trouble maintaining activity in one.

George · Jerry:You ought to at least take a look at it. — Really? Why? — Because then I could move in here.

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry says he can't think about the apartment — 'I'm going to Minneapolis.' Then the scene cuts to the apartment already ransacked.

Jerry · George:And where were you? — I was at Bloomingdale's, waiting for the shower to heat up.

George · Jerry:How can you not have insurance? — Because I spent my money on the Clapco D-29. It's the most impenetrable lock on the market today. It has only one design flaw: The door... must be closed!

Jerry:Boy, I hate the idea of somebody out there returning my calls.

Jerry · Police Officer:Do you ever find anything? — No.

Jerry · Kramer:How did you get in here? — I walked in. Your lobby door is broken again.

Jerry:I got ripped off for about the eighteenth time. The first couple of times you go through it, it's very upsetting. Your first reaction, or one of your friends, will say: 'Call the police.'

Jerry:It's not like Batman, where there's three crooks in the city and everybody pretty much knows who they are. Very few crooks go to the trouble to come up with a theme for their careers anymore.

Jerry:'Did you lose a Sony? It could be The Penguin. I think we can round him up. He's dressed like a penguin. We can find him. He's a penguin.'

Jerry:A fireplace! Are you kidding me? Does this work? I didn't know there was a fireplace. A fireplace! That's incredible.

Jerry:What do you tip a wood guy?

Jerry · George:They deliver the coal? — Sure. It's probably the same guy who delivers the wood. — Oh, then I gotta tip him.

Jerry · Elaine:I don't have any plants. — I have plants.

George · Jerry:What about the couch? — You like the couch? — Tell you what I'm gonna do... Give me a hundred and fifty dollars.

George · Jerry:George negotiates the couch down from $150 to $20 — Jerry threatens to take it, George jumps to $40, then $50

Jerry · George:You could take it? You want it? — No, I don't want it. I want it if you don't want it. — So you do want it. — I want it if you don't want it.

Jerry · George:You wanna flip a coin? — Who flips?

Jerry · George:No, it hit the table. — So what? — Interference. You can't count that. — The coin cannot touch anything. It affects it. — You didn't call 'no interference.' — You don't have to call it. That's a rule!

Kramer · Jerry:You know the Englishman who lives down the hall? I think he's avoiding me. — Hard to imagine.

Kramer · Jerry:I tested him, like, this is what I said, like this. I went: 'Oh, by the way, I know about the stuff.' Very casual so he'll take me into his confidence. — So, what did he say? — 'What stuff?'

Jerry · Kramer:Case closed. — No, no. You don't understand. See, he swallowed. See, the guy, he swallowed.

Kramer · Jerry:I'm gonna go over there. I'm gonna borrow some tea. If I don't get back in five minutes, you better call the police. — Okay. Starting now!

Jerry:One of them says, 'I got the front seat.' 'I wanted it.' 'I called it.' And the other kid knows he's got nothing to say. 'He called it. What can I do?' If there was a kid court of law, it holds up.

Jerry:'Your Honour, my client did ask for the front seat.' And the judge would go, 'Did he call it?' 'Well, no, he didn't call it.' Bang. 'He has to call it. Case closed. Objection overruled.'

Jerry:I love the mirror in that bathroom. I don't know what in the hell it is, I look terrific in that mirror. I don't know if it's the tile or the lighting. I feel like Robert Wagner in there.

Jerry · George:How can I live there? — Why not? — You're still thinking about it. — I'll never feel comfortable. — Oh, get out of here. — How can I ever have you over? You'll sit there moping. — I won't mope. — You're already moping.

Jerry · Elaine:What apartment? — Oh, it's a great place. It's a two-bedroom, West 83rd, half-block from the park. — What's the rent?

Jerry · George · Carol · Larry:Housewarming party: Jerry and George arrive to find Carol and Larry thriving — barbecuing, losing weight, masseuse next door.

Jerry · George:If only the coin hadn't hit the table. — The table is interference, you know it. — It is not. — It is too.

Jerry:How late are the stores open? I'm thinking of maybe buying a new TV and smashing it over my head.

Jerry · George:So I get a call from Gilmore this morning. They're restructuring the organization in Atlanta. I gotta be there on the 1st. — Really? What about your apartment? — What can I do? I'll give it up. — What's the rent?

Jerry:Men hearing a drill is like a dog whistle — they come wandering out of the house like zombies drawn to a neighbor working on something.

Jerry:"Honey, Jim's working on something over there." — the husbandly announcement before the zombie migration to the driveway.

Jerry:"What are you using, a Phillips head there?" — the dumb question men ask just to feel involved.

Jerry:Construction site fences exist just to keep men out — and they cut holes so men can watch anyway.

George · Jerry:George: 'I have this compulsion to tell women how I feel.' Jerry: 'I like you. I don't tell you. We can only thank God for that.'

George · Jerry:The floss falling out of George's pocket during the date — the moment that caused everything to unravel.

Jerry:Jerry: 'Ah. Mint.' — deadpan response to learning the floss was green.

Jerry · George:Jerry looks at George's belt/buckle: 'Looks like your belt is digesting a small animal.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry is handed the phone by Kramer unexpectedly and has to improvise a conversation with Joel Horneck he didn't want to have.

Jerry:'Why put me on the phone with him? I hate just being handed a phone. He bothers me. I don't answer the phone because of him. He's turned me into a screener.'

Jerry:'His name's Joel Horneck. He lived near me when I grew up. He had a ping-pong table. We were friends. Should I suffer all my life because I like ping-pong?'

Jerry:'I would've been friends with Stalin if he had a ping-pong table.'

Jerry:'He's got the attention span of a 5-year-old. I make up things just to see if he's paying attention.'

George · Jerry:George suggests Jerry 'break up' with Horneck like a woman. Jerry: 'Break up? It's a guy.' George: 'With a woman there's a precedent.'

Jerry · George:Jerry, shell-shocked after watching Joel: 'Unbelievable.' Then quietly to George: 'How can you talk to someone like that?' George: 'What are you saying? You like turkey roll?'

Jerry · Joel:Jerry attempts to break up with Joel: 'I don't think we should see each other anymore. This friendship, it's not working. We're just not suited to be friends.'

Jerry:'It's not you, it's me.'

Joel · Jerry:Joel: 'You're my best friend.' Jerry: 'Best friend? I've never been to your apartment.'

Jerry · Joel:Jerry immediately capitulates: 'I didn't mean it. I took it out on you. We're still friends. Still friends.' Then: 'I got Knick tickets. This Wednesday. Great seats behind the bench. Come on.'

Jerry · Joel:Jerry hands Joel the Knick tickets; Joel asks 'Tonight?' Jerry: 'Next Wednesday.' Joel: repeats 'Tonight?' Jerry: 'If it was tonight, I would've said tonight.'

George · Jerry:'She calls me at the office, she says, "We have to talk."' Jerry: 'Oh, the four worst words in the English language.' George: 'That or "Whose bra is this?"' Jerry: 'Hmm, that is worse.'

Jerry · George:Jerry: 'You ate.' George: 'Sat there for 20 minutes chewing, staring at each other in a defunct relationship.'

Jerry · George:Jerry: 'Someone says "Get out of my life" and that doesn't affect your appetite?' George: 'Ever had their egg salad?'

George · Jerry:'I picked up the check. She didn't even offer.' Jerry: 'She ended it.' George: 'At least she could've sent me off with a sandwich.'

George · Jerry:George at the bank with a jug of coins. Jerry: 'How much could you possibly have in there?' George: 'Look, it's my money. Should I throw it out the window? I know a guy who vacationed on his change.'

Jerry:Jerry: 'Yeah? Where'd he go — to an arcade?'

Jerry · George:Jerry confesses: 'I gave your ticket to Horneck.' Long pause, then: 'Yeah, I'm sorry. I had to give it to Horneck.'

George · Jerry:George's meltdown: 'You gave my ticket to Horneck?! Why give HIM my ticket?' Jerry: 'You didn't see him.' George: 'Come on, I can't believe this!'

Jerry:Jerry narrating the bank line maze: 'I've heard the expression "laughing all the way to the bank." I've never seen anyone actually do it.' / 'I hate it when there's nobody in line and you still have to go through the little maze.'

Jerry:Jerry in the bank maze: 'Get some cheese for me. I'm nearly there.' / 'I'd like a reward for this, please.'

Jerry · George:Jerry offers George $50 for his jug of coins. George: 'Yeah, sure. Keep your money.' Jerry: 'Then I won't go either. I'll give him both tickets.'

Elaine · Jerry:'He was really crying?' / 'I gave him tissues.' / 'Tears, accompanied by mucus.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry: 'You can't have people shoving their arms into a 600-degree oven!' Kramer: 'It's all supervised.'

Jerry:Jerry: 'I have to say something, with all due respect. I just never — I can't imagine anyone, in any walk of life, under any circumstance, wanting to make their own pizza pie. But that's me. OK?'

Jerry · Joel:Jerry's excuse to Joel: 'I can't make it to the game. I have to tutor my nephew. He's got an exam tomorrow. Geometry. You know, trapezoid, rhombus.'

George · Jerry:George hears the excuse: 'Trapezoids?' Jerry: 'I know. I'm really running out of excuses with this guy.'

Jerry:'I need some kind of excuse Rolodex.'

Jerry · George:Jerry: 'Let's go to one of those cappuccino places.' George: 'And do what, talk?' Jerry: 'We can talk.' George: 'I'll go if I don't have to talk.' Jerry: 'Then we'll just sit there.'

Elaine · Jerry:Elaine discovers Jerry's written excuse list: 'Picking someone up at airport, jury duty, waiting for cable company.' Then: 'What is this?' Jerry explains it's a cheat sheet to avoid Horneck.

Jerry:Jerry: 'I'm Dan. Can I have my list back, please?'

Jerry:Jerry: 'That's impossible. I'd rather lie the rest of my life than go through that again. He was crying — tears, accompanied by mucus.'

Joel · Jerry · Elaine:Joel reveals he thought Jerry was tutoring his nephew, Elaine calls him on it: 'I thought you were tutoring your nephew.' / Jerry: 'Oh, we finished early.'

Jerry · George:Jerry invents a choir practice excuse on the spot to avoid Joel's next game invitation: 'We're doing an evening of Eastern European national anthems. Right. The wall being down and everything.'

Jerry · Elaine · Joel:Joel corners Jerry and Elaine: 'Next week, I'm going to take you. How about next Tuesday? You, too.' Jerry and Elaine improvise: 'Choir practice.' / 'Right, I forgot about choir.' / 'We're doing an evening of Eastern European national anthems. Right. You know, the wall being down and everything.'

Jerry · Joel:Joel proposes Thursday instead. Jerry: 'We've got to get to the hospital to see if we qualify as organ donors.'

Joel · Jerry · Elaine:Joel: 'You know, I should try something like that.' Jerry/Elaine: 'You really should.'

Joel · Jerry · Elaine:Joel produces a printed Knicks schedule and begins reading through ALL 41 home games, trapping Jerry and Elaine.

Jerry:Closing stand-up: 'To get through talking with people you have nothing in common with, pretend you're hosting your own little talk show... The problem is there's no way to say, "It's been great having you on the show. We're out of time."'

Jerry:Never liked the 'check at the end of the meal' system.

Jerry:Before you eat, money has no value. You sit down in a restaurant, you're the ruler of an empire. 'More drinks! Appetizers! Quickly, quickly. It will be the greatest meal of our lives.'

Jerry:Then after the meal, you know, you got the pants open... you got the napkins destroyed... cigarette butt in the mashed potatoes. Then the check comes at that moment.

Jerry:'What is this? How could this be?' They start passing it around the table, 'Does this look right to you? We're not hungry now. Why are we buying all this food?'

Jerry:I think Superman probably has a very good sense of humor... He's got super strength, super speed. I'm sure he's got super humor.

Jerry:Either you're born with humor or you're not. It's not gonna change. Even if you go from the red sun of Krypton all the way to the yellow sun of the Earth. Why would that one area of his mind not be affected by the yellow sun of the Earth?

Jerry:I don't know. But he ain't funny.

Jerry:Were you crying? I mean, it's just a grape. You'll find it.

Jerry:That's exquisite.

Jerry:You better find that grape before it mutates into another life form.

Jerry:Televising opera? Some sort of electronic thingy.

Jerry · George:How much are you gonna invest? Five thousand. Ten... Ten thousand. Five thousand.

Jerry · George:Oh, the dolphin thing? They're dying in the nets. You know, the whole concept of lunch is based on tuna.

Jerry:Hey, when I'm driving, I let people in ahead of me all the time. I'm always waving everybody in. 'Go ahead. Go ahead.'

Jerry · George · Elaine · Waitress:All right, all right. I'll have the chicken salad. [Beat] And I'm gonna have an English muffin with margarine on the side, and a cup of coffee. [Beat] Okay, what about you? I'll have the tuna.

Jerry:I gave the guy the half-turn. Then I gave him the full turn with the eye roll.

Jerry:I mean, beyond that, I'm risking a punch in the mouth.

Jerry:It's great. It speeds up the intimacy level. It's like putting the relationship in a time compressor. Where we would be six months from now, we accomplish in three days.

Jerry:Extra toothbrushes, increased phone call frequency... walking around naked.

Jerry:You know, the presents get a lot better in phase two.

Vanessa · Jerry:Can we go fishing up there? We can fish. What, blues, carp, marlin? Marlin in Vermont?

Jerry:I know, but this is a different paper. I thought maybe they have different... sources.

Jerry:That's four and a half points in three days. That's almost half my money.

Jerry:There's one thing I don't understand. Why does it please you?

Jerry:You're gone, all right.

Kramer · Jerry:Can I use your place? I got a bunch of friends coming over this weekend. What friends? Just people I met at a rock concert. You mind if they use your bed?

Jerry · George:I'll work my way around to it. What if he's in an iron lung or something? What are you gonna do? 'How you feeling, Mr. Wilkenson? By the way, what's happening with Centrax?'

George · Jerry:Who goes to a hospital to rest? What are you, a doctor?

Jerry:It's a hand puppet. What am I gonna do with this? ...I take this tiny shirt all over the city, conning dry cleaners out of money?

Jerry:I just once would like to hear a dry cleaner admit that something was their fault. That's what I want. I want an admission of guilt.

Jerry:I think the only reason we go to the dry cleaner is so I can say to the dry cleaner: 'Well, it's ruined.' Of course the dry cleaner can respond: 'It's not our fault. We're not responsible. We just ruin the clothes. That ends our legal obligation.'

Jerry:The whole problem with dry-cleaning is that we all believe that this is actually possible. They're cleaning our clothes but they're not getting anything wet. It's all dry.

Jerry:There's no such thing as dry-cleaning. When you get something on your shirt, ever try and get it off like that? [miming rubbing] That's dry-cleaning. I don't think that's what they're doing, have 80 guys going: 'Come on. Hurry up. There's a lot of shirts today.'

Jerry:What evidence is there that cats are so smart anyway? What do they do? Because they're clean? I'm sorry. My uncle Pete showers four times a day and he can't count to 10, so don't give me hygiene.

Jerry:Unless, of course, they should meet with some unfortunate accident.

Elaine · Jerry:What do you think a hit man would charge to rub out a couple of cats? Well, it couldn't be too expensive. Thirteen, fourteen bucks a cat?

Jerry:What do you think, Jerry, you wanna make 28 bucks?

Jerry:I'm no cat killer.

Elaine · Jerry:He actually went to the hospital? Yeah. Man, he's nuts. Yeah, he's nuts. You wanna bump off a couple of cats.

Jerry · Vanessa:I know, I know. It's down again. How much you down altogether? I don't know, $1500. Wow. You don't have to say 'wow.' I know it's 'wow.'

Jerry:And there's that smile again. What is that?

George · Jerry:Oh, look at this one by the bus stop. Jerry, come here. Take a look at this. I really don't need to look. What a body. Yeah. That's for me. Yeah, and you're just what she's looking for too.

Jerry:Stranger leering through a pair of binoculars 10 floors up.

George · Jerry:[George goes downstairs and returns almost immediately] What? What, did you go down there? Next thing I know, I'm in the parking lot!

Jerry · Vanessa:So I know this guy, I'm getting all my sneakers at a discount now. I know. You mentioned it. Oh, yeah. Right. Oh, God, get me out of here. What a mistake. What made me think this would work? And I've still got another day.

Jerry · Vanessa:Wait, wait. I've got one. That's a nice watch. Yeah. Do you wind it? No. It's got a little battery. Well, that's good. Well, the drive home should be a delight.

Vanessa · Jerry:That's the manager, wanna see if we can get another room? No, it's okay.

Jerry:Well, the drive home should be a delight. I'm speeding the whole way. Let them throw me in jail, I don't care.

Jerry:So I guess you don't find the separate faucets for the hot and the cold... charming?

Jerry · Vanessa:We could play Sorry. We could play Steal the Old Man's Bundle. Maybe I can get an extension cord and hang myself.

Jerry · Vanessa:What kind of perfume is that you're wearing? Oh, you've never heard of it. No. What kind is it? I can't tell you. Yeah, that's real normal.

Jerry · Vanessa:Excuse me, sir. Could I have a look at that business section? Thought you got out of that. I did. I'm just curious.

Jerry · Vanessa:Six points? It's up six points. I told you not to sell. You did not tell me not to sell. I said the market fluctuates. Remember?

Jerry:I just got fluctuated out of $4000.

Jerry:So, what am I looking at here? Twenty-nine hours to go? Well, at least I got plenty of time to find out the name of that perfume.

George · Jerry:So, big daddy... I'm just curious. How much did you clear on your little transaction there, all told? I don't like to discuss figures. How much? I don't know, $8000. It's a Hyundai. Get out of here.

George · Jerry:I told you not to sell. Simons made money, Wilkenson cleaned up. So Wilkenson's out of the hospital? No. You'd be surprised. You don't recover that quickly from a nose job.

Jerry · Elaine:Is that still from those cats? No. I just got a cold. Whatever happened with that? I gave him an ultimatum. He chose the cats?

George · Jerry:I gotta say, that's pretty bad, losing out to a cat. Almost as bad as losing out to a perfume.

George · Jerry:Too bad you can't get your buddy Superman to fly around the Earth at super speed and reverse time. Get all the money back, could've avoided the whole trip to Vermont. Superman can go back in time? We went over that.

Jerry · George:Sweetheart. [Jerry pays for dinner/check arrives] No, no. That ought to cover it. Just a second. Just let me peek. Good.

Jerry:People always say, 'You should have your money working for you.' I've decided I'll do the work. I'm gonna let the money relax.

Jerry:Know what I mean? Because you send your money out there, working for you, a lot of times it gets fired. You go back, 'What happened? I had my money working for me.' 'Yeah, I remember your money. Showing up late, taking time off. We had to let him go.'

Jerry:'Yeah, I remember your money. Showing up late, taking time off. We had to let him go.'

Jerry:I'm always in traffic with the lane expert. Do you know this type of person? Constantly re-evaluating their lane choice.

Jerry:Yeah, come on over here, pal. We're zooming over here. This is the secret lane, nobody knows about it.

Jerry:The ultimate psychological test of traffic is the total dead stop. Not even rolling. And you look out the window, you see gum clearly.

Jerry:Will it start moving backwards? Is that possible? That someday we'll be going, 'Boy, this is some really bad traffic now. I'm gonna try and get off and get back on going the other way.'

George · Jerry:She can't kill me, right? — No, of course not.

George · Jerry:I wanted to love her. I tried to love her. I couldn't. You tried.

Jerry · George:Did you tell her you loved her? — I had no choice. She squeezed it out of me.

George · Jerry:I didn't even ask her out. She asked me out first. She called me up. What was I supposed to do, say no? I can't do that to someone. — You're too nice a guy. — I am. I'm a nice guy.

George · Jerry:My back is killing me. — You gotta go to my chiropractor. He's the best. — Everybody's guy is the best.

Jerry:Do it like a Band-Aid. One motion, right off!

Elaine · George · Jerry:Why can't you sit in the middle? — Please. It doesn't look good. Boy, boy, girl. — I think you're afraid to sit next to a man. You're a little homophobic, aren't you? — Is it that obvious?

Elaine · Jerry:Did you get a haircut? — Nope. Shower.

Jerry:A relationship is an organism. You created this thing and then you starved it, so it turned against you. Same thing happened in The Blob.

Jerry:Jerry answering a wrong-number call and trying to find out if he dialed wrong or the number was wrong

Jerry:Why do people do that? [hangs up on wrong number call]

Jerry:Jerry calling back to complain about being hung up on: 'That's two long-distance calls I've made to you. Why can't you...'

Kramer · Jerry:Taste this. — No, I just had a sandwich. — No, taste it. — I don't want cantaloupe now. — You never had it like this before.

Jerry · Kramer:It's very good. It's good. — It's good, huh? I got it at Joe's, 49 cents a pound. That's practically half than what you pay at the supermarket. I don't know why you don't go to Joe's. — It's too far. — It's three blocks further.

Kramer · Jerry:You could use my shopping cart. — I'm not pulling a shopping cart. Am I supposed to wear a kerchief, put stockings on rolled below my knee?

Kramer · Jerry:The other thing is, if you don't like anything, he takes it back. — I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.

George · Jerry:I did it! It's over. — You did it? What happened? — I told her, in the kitchen. Which was risky, because it's near all the knives.

Jerry:I like that Marlene. What's her number?

Kramer · George · Jerry:George, I want you to taste this cantaloupe. — No, thank you. — It's the best cantaloupe I've had. — No, really. — I'll get you a piece. — Jerry, tell him how good it is. — Very good cantaloupe.

Jerry · George:So that's it. You're out. — Except for one small problem. I left some books in her apartment. So? Go get them. — No, I can't go back there. Jerry, it's so awkward. It could be dangerous, sexually. Something could happen.

Jerry:What is this obsession people have with books? They put them in their houses like they're trophies. What do you need it for after you read it?

Marlene · Jerry · George:Marlene's pool party story: she jumped in wearing jeans, everyone stared as she got out. 'It's no skin off my hide if people like to look. I just didn't see what the big attraction was.' — Well, I have a general idea what it was. — I could take a guess.

Marlene · Jerry:Hey, you know, Jerry, just because George and I don't see each other doesn't mean we shouldn't stay friends. — No. — Good enough. I'm really glad we got that settled.

Jerry:Jerry's reaction shot after Marlene leaves — sitting with the books, now responsible for the mess he didn't want

Jerry · George:Have you reread those books yet, by the way? — The great thing, when you read Moby Dick the second time, Ahab and the whale become good friends.

Jerry:It's not like Marlene's a bad person or anything, but my God, we've had three lunches and a movie and she never stops calling. And it's those meaningless, purposeless, blather calls.

Jerry:She never asks if I'm busy or anything. I just pick up the phone and she's in the middle of a sentence.

George · Jerry:Has she left you a message where she uses up the whole machine? You know, sometimes she'll go, 'Hello, Jerry?' And I'll go, 'Oh, hi, Marlene.' And then it's, 'Jerry... I don't know sometimes.'

George · Jerry:What about trying to get off the phone? — You can't. It's impossible. There's no break in the conversation where you can go: 'All right, then.'

Jerry · George:I mean, I've gotta put a stop to this. — Just do it like a Band-Aid. One motion. Right off!

Jerry · George:She is sexy, though. — Don't you think? — Yeah. — Yeah, she is.

Jerry:Waiting room. I hate when they make you wait in the room. Because it says waiting room. There's no chance of not waiting, because they call it the waiting room. They're gonna use it.

Jerry:And, 'Soon as she goes, I'm getting her magazine.'

Jerry:Then they finally call you, and it's a very exciting moment. You stand up and kind of look around at the other people. 'Well, I guess I've been chosen. I'll see you all later.'

Jerry:You think you're gonna see the doctor, but you're not. You're going into the next waiting room. The littler waiting room.

Jerry:You ever see these operating theatres that they have with stadium seating? You don't want them doing anything that makes other doctors go, 'I have to see this. Are you kidding? Are they gonna really do that to him? Are there seats? Can we get in?'

Jerry:'I got two for the Winslow tumour. I got two.'

Jerry · George:So how was it? — I was in there for two minutes. He didn't do anything. Touch this, feel that. 75 bucks. — Well, it's a first visit. What's 75 bucks? — What, am I seeing Sinatra in there? Am I being entertained? I don't understand this.

George · Jerry:I'm only paying half. — You can't do that. — Why not? — He's a doctor. You gotta pay what he says. — No, no, no. I pay what I say.

Jerry · Marlene:The post-kiss awkward silence between Jerry and Marlene — minimal dialogue, long pauses, 'Nothing really happened.' 'We just kissed a little. People kiss.'

Jerry · Kramer:That is out there. — Definitely. — Joe's? — No. Supermarket. — Well, is it good? — It's... It's okay. — Let me taste that. [pause] See? That stinks.

Kramer · Jerry:You can't eat that. Take that back. — I'm not taking it back. — I'll take it back. — I don't care about it. — You should care. Cantaloupe like this should be out of circulation.

Marlene · Jerry:Leave a message. I'll call you back. — Jerry, have you ever taken a bath in the dark? — I'm not talking into the soap right now. Call me back.

Jerry · Kramer:I took her home one night. We started up a little in the car. — I thought you were getting rid of her. — I was. But she's got me, like, hypnotized or something. — Does George know? — No. He'd go nuts.

Jerry · Kramer:She's got this psychosexual hold over me. I just want her. I can't breathe. It's like a drug. — Psychosexual.

Jerry · Kramer:Man, I don't understand people. Why would George want to deprive you of pleasure? Is it just me? — It's partially you, yeah. — You're his friend. Better that she should sleep with someone else? Some jerk that he doesn't even know? — He can't kill me, right? — You're a human being.

Elaine · Jerry:You have the slowest elevator in the entire city. — That's hard to get used to when you're on so many fast ones. — Apartment elevators are always slower than offices because you don't have to be home on time. — Unless you're married to a dictator.

Elaine · Jerry:I imagine at some point somebody's gonna offer me some cantaloupe? — No. No good.

Jerry:You are the queen of confrontation. You're my new hero. You've inspired me. I'm gonna call George about something right now.

Jerry:This cantaloupe stinks. [Jerry on the phone with George, apparently using the cantaloupe as his 'something to call about' to avoid telling George the real thing]

George · Jerry:I don't care. — You're kidding. — No, I don't care. — You mean that? — Absolutely. — You don't care? — No. — How could you not care? — I don't know, but I don't. — Actually, I'm almost happy to hear it.

George · Jerry:I don't care. — You're kidding. — No, I don't care. — You mean that? — Absolutely. — You don't care? — No. — How could you not care? — I don't know, but I don't. — Actually, I'm almost happy to hear it.

Jerry · George:Am I a bad person? Did I do something terrible? — You're a fine person. You're a humanitarian. — She's very sexy. — That voice. She's driving me crazy.

George · Jerry:See her tonight. See her tomorrow. Go, knock yourself out. — She's too crazy for me. — All right. As long as you're okay.

George · Jerry:I'll tell you what. You don't have to pay the $35 I gave the chiropractor for the rest of your bill. — You paid that crook? — I had to. — He didn't do anything, Jerry. It's a scam. Who told you to do that? — It was embarrassing to me. I was trying to make a point. — Why don't you make a point with your own doctor?

George · Jerry:What's wrong? — I think I swallowed a fly. — Oh, God. — I swallowed a fly! What do I do? — What can happen?

Marlene · Jerry:So you want to come up for a few minutes? — I'm sorry, Jerry. I just don't think this is gonna work. — Really? ... I just didn't expect it from the way you've been acting.

Jerry · Marlene:So you want to come up for a few minutes? — I'm sorry, Jerry. I just don't think this is gonna work. — Really? — I know. I'm sorry.

Marlene · Jerry:I guess things changed for me on Tuesday night. — Tuesday night? What happened Tuesday night? — I saw your act.

Jerry · Marlene:I can't believe this. What are you saying? You didn't like my act? So that's it? — I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do. — You're a cashier.

Jerry · Marlene:I can't believe this. What are you saying? You didn't like my act? So that's it? — I can't be with someone if I don't respect what they do. — You're a cashier.

Jerry · Marlene:You can't go by the audience. It was late, they were terrible. — I heard the material. — I have other stuff. You should come see me on the weekend.

Jerry:Women need to like the job of the guy they're with. If they don't like the job, they don't like the guy. Men know this. Which is why we make up the phoney, bogus names for the jobs we have.

Jerry:'Right now, I'm the regional management supervisor. I'm in development, research, consulting.'

Jerry:Men, on the other hand, if they are physically attracted to a woman, are not that concerned with her job. Men just go, 'Really, slaughterhouse? That's where you work? Interesting. You got a big cleaver, just lopping their heads off? Sounds great. Listen, why don't you shower up and we'll get some burgers and catch a movie.'

Jerry:They didn't wanna move to Florida, but they're in their 60s...and that's the law.

Jerry:They got the leisure police. They pull up in front of the old people's house with the golf cart. 'Let's go, pop. White belt, white pants, white shoes, get in the back. Drop the snow shovel, right there. Drop it!'

Jerry:You ever sit there, and the conversation's so boring, it's so dull? And you start to fantasize. You know, you think: 'What if I just got up and jumped out that window?'

Jerry:Come back. There's broken glass. Everybody's upset. 'No, I'm all right. I was just a little bored there. I wanna hear more about that Hummel collection, Aunt Rose. Let's pick it up right there.'

Jerry · Morty:The phone rings and both Jerry and Morty defer to each other about who should answer it, cycling back and forth before someone finally picks up.

Jerry:We won. I made an incredible play in the field. It was a tag-up at third base. I threw the guy out, from left field, on a fly.

Jerry:We'll be in the championship game Wednesday because of me. It was the single greatest moment in my life.

Helen · Jerry:This is your greatest moment, a game? / Well, no. Sharon Besser, of course.

Helen · Jerry:Jerry, look at this sport jacket. Is this a jacket to wear to an anniversary party? / Well, the man's an individualist. He worked for Harry Flemming. He knows what he's doing.

Jerry:If I wind up sitting next to Uncle Leo, I am leaving. He's always grabbing my arm when he talks to me. I guess because so many people have left in the middle of his conversation.

Jerry · George:And it's always about Jeffrey, right? / Yeah. He talks about him like he split the atom. / The kid works for the Parks Department.

Jerry · Kramer:You drew up plans for this? / No. No, it's all in my head.

Kramer · Jerry:Well, you don't think I can, huh? / No, it's not that I don't think you can. I know that you can't, and I'm positive that you won't.

Jerry:Seriously, do you wanna switch chairs?

Jerry:Right, for the reducing of the pond scum?

Jerry:Oh, yeah, where the people eat the plant life, the edible-foliage tour.

Uncle Leo · Jerry:But you wanna know something? Whenever he has a problem with a high-powered big shot from the Parks Department...you know who he calls? / Mickey Mantle?

Jerry:Jerry. Jerry. Did you taste these peas? These peas are great. These peas are bursting with country-fresh flavour. Phenomenal peas.

Jerry:The sugar makes my ankles swell up, and I can't dance.

Jerry:Horses. They're like big riding dogs.

Jerry · Elaine:What about ponies, huh? What kind of abnormal animal is that? And those kids who had their own ponies. Oh, I know. I hated those kids. In fact, I hate anyone that ever had a pony when they were growing up.

Jerry · Manya · Elaine:The silent beat after 'I had a pony' — Jerry's stunned non-response before he tries to walk it back.

Jerry:Well, I didn't really mean a pony per se.

Jerry:No, see, we didn't have ponies. I'm sure at that time in Poland, they were common. They were...probably like compact cars.

Jerry:I didn't know she had a pony. How was I to know she had a pony? Who figures an immigrant is gonna have a pony?

Jerry:I mean, in all the pictures I saw of immigrants on boats coming into New York Harbour, I never saw one of them sitting on a pony.

Jerry:But why would anyone come here if they had a pony? Who leaves a country packed with ponies to go to a non-pony country? It doesn't make sense. Am I wrong?

Jerry:Really? What a shock.

Jerry · Kramer:The entire bet argument: 'There's no dinner. The bet's off...That's the bet, that you're not doing it...We didn't bet on if you wanted to do it, we bet on if it would be done. And it could be done...Anything could be done, but it only is done if it's done.'

Jerry:Jerry begins to wonder if he caused Manya's death with the pony remark — stammer: 'Unless...' — then drops it.

Jerry · Helen:You don't think...? / What? / What, the pony remark?

Helen · Jerry:Oh, don't be ridiculous. She was an old woman. / You don't think I killed her?

Helen · Jerry:The funeral's Wednesday. / Wednesday? What...? What Wednesday? / Two o'clock, Wednesday. / What? / I got a softball game on Wednesday. It's the championship.

Jerry · Helen:Jerry learns the funeral is Wednesday — the same day as his championship softball game.

Jerry:I mean, who has a funeral on a Wednesday? That's what I wanna know.

Jerry:We don't understand death. And the proof of this is that we give dead people a pillow.

Jerry:I think if you can't stretch out and get some solid rest at that point, I don't see how bedding accessories really make the difference.

Jerry:I mean, they got the guy in a suit, with a pillow. Now, is he going to a meeting, or is he catching 40 winks? I mean, let's make up our mind where we think they're going.

Elaine · Jerry:How long does a funeral take? / Depends on how nice the person was...but you gotta figure even Oswald took 45 minutes.

Jerry:You know, if the situation were reversed, and Manya had some mahjong championship or something, I wouldn't expect her to go to my funeral. I would understand.

Jerry:I know, then you say to yourself: 'From this moment on, I'm not gonna waste any more of it.' But then you go, 'How? I mean, what can I do that's not wasting it?'

Jerry · Elaine:Well, is this a waste of time? What should we be doing? Can't you have coffee with people?

Jerry · Elaine:Me? What about you? You brought up the pony. / Oh, yeah, but I didn't say I hated anyone who had one.

Jerry:George, I met this woman. She is not travelling to any other dimensions.

Jerry · George:I don't know. They've been in there since, like, World War II. Rent's $300 a month. / Three hundred a month? / Oh, my God.

Jerry:Well, game's starting just about now.

Jerry:I'm not a doctor yet, Uncle Morty. I'm just an intern. I can't write a note to an airline.

Uncle Leo · Jerry:Your cousin Jeffrey is switching parks. They're transferring him to Riverside...so he'll completely revamp that operation, you understand? / Yeah. / He'll do in Riverside now what he did in Central Park. / More money.

Jerry · Isaac:Once again, I just wanted to say how sorry I was about the other night. / Oh, no, no, no. She forgot all about that. / She was much more upset about the potato salad.

George · Isaac · Jerry:So what's happening with your apartment? / ...it's very hot there. I'll have to get an air conditioner. / Oh, you can have mine. I'll ship it out to you. / But what about that big apartment on West End Avenue?

Jerry:Yeah, from what I understand, he works for the Parks Department.

Jerry:It's raining. / It's raining. The game will be postponed. We'll play tomorrow.

George · Jerry:Who gets picked off in softball? / It's unheard-of. / Never happened to me before.

George · Jerry:Look. Then in the fifth inning, why did you take off on the pop fly? / I thought there were two outs. / I couldn't believe it when I saw you running. I thought maybe they had changed the rules or something.

Jerry · George:It was the single worst moment of my life. / What about Sharon Besser? / Oh, well, of course, 1973.

George · Jerry:George, then Jerry re-examining: 'What about Sharon Besser?' — 'Oh, well, of course, 1973.' — completing the running gag.

George · Jerry:Makes you wonder, doesn't it? / Wonder about what? / You know, the spirit world.

Jerry · George:Wait, you think Manya showed up during the game and put a hex on me? / I never saw anyone play like that.

Jerry · George:Maybe Manya missed the funeral...because she was off visiting another galaxy that day. / Don't you think she would've heard I was there? / Not necessarily.

Jerry:Who figures an immigrant is gonna have a pony?

Jerry:What is the pony? What is the point of the pony? Why do we have these animals, these ponies? What do we do with them, besides the pony ride? Well, why ponies? What are we doing with them? I mean, police don't use them for crowd control.

Jerry:'Hey, little boy. Yeah, I'm talking to you. Just...behind the barricades.'

Jerry:So somebody, I assume, genetically engineered these ponies. Think they could make them any size? Like the size of a quarter if they want? That would be fun for Monopoly, wouldn't it? Have a little pony. And you put him on the...'Baltic, that's two down. Go ahead. Hold it. There. Baltic, that's... Yeah, fine. Right there, hold it right there.'

Jerry:I hate clothes, okay? I hate buying them. I hate picking them out of my closet. I can't stand every day trying to come up with little outfits for myself.

Jerry:I think eventually fashion won't even exist. We'll all be wearing the same thing. Because any time I see a movie or a TV show where there's people from the future, they're all wearing the same thing. Somehow they decided, 'This is going to be our outfit.'

Jerry:One-piece silver jumpsuit, V-stripe and boots. That's it.

Jerry:We should come up with an outfit for Earth. An Earth outfit. We should vote on it. Candidates propose different outfits. No speeches. They walk out, twirl, walk off.

Jerry:We just sit in the audience and go, 'That was nice. I could wear that.'

Jerry:The back? They never find anything in the back. If they had anything good, they'd put it in the front. Why don't they open an entire store for the back? Call it 'Just Back.'

Jerry:All back. No front. You walk in the front, you're immediately in the back.

Jerry:Look, Elaine. Tie carwash.

Jerry · Elaine:I always felt he deserved a wider audience. / I'm not so sure he wants one.

Jerry:So that's why we're not together anymore.

Jerry · Elaine:How much is it? / Oh, my God.

Jerry · Elaine:Bad? / Very bad? / You have no idea. / I have some idea. / No idea. / I've got a ballpark. / There's no park... and the team has relocated.

Jerry:I hate these moments. I'm hearing the dual voices now, you know? 'What about the money?' 'What's money?'

George · Jerry:What is with the pink lining? / I don't know. It's got a pink lining.

George · Jerry:So, what'd you pay for this? / I paid what it costs.

George · Jerry:Over 300? / Yes. But let's just stop it right there. / It's over 400. / I'm really not answering anymore. / Is it over 400?

Jerry · George:You know, Schumann went mad from that. / Artie Schumann from Camp Hatchapee? / No, you idiot.

Jerry · George:Really? Well, what if it doesn't stop? / Oh, that I really needed to hear. That helps a lot.

Jerry:This jacket has completely changed my life. When I leave the house in this, it's with a whole different confidence.

George · Jerry:So, what was it, 400? / Five hundred? Did you pay 500? Over 6? Can't be 7. Don't tell me you paid $700 for this jacket. Did you pay $700? You are sick! Over 700?! What did you pay? I won't say anything. I wanna know. Oh, my God! A thousand dollars?! You paid $1000 for this jacket.

Jerry:Two minutes. Believe me, I know his two minutes. By his conception of time, his life will last over 2000 years.

Alton · Jerry:You like ice. / I say, do you like ice? / Like it? / Don't you find that you get more without it?

Jerry · George · Alton:She's usually pretty punctual. / Don't you find that, George? / Yeah. Yeah, she's punctual, and... she's been late sometimes. / Yeah, yeah. Sometimes she's on time... and sometimes she's late. / I guess... today she's late.

Alton · Jerry · George:It appears that way. / Yep. / Yep. / Looks like rain. / I know. I know. That's what they said.

Alton · Jerry:Who said? / The weather guy, Dr. Waldo.

Alton · Jerry · George:Which one's supposed to be the funny guy? / Oh, he's the comedian. / I'm just a regular person. / No, no. He's just being modest.

Alton · Jerry:We had a funny guy with us in Korea. A tail gunner. They blew his brains out all over the Pacific. / There's nothing funny about that.

Jerry · Alton:I just wanted to tell you that I really enjoyed Fair Game. I thought it was just brilliant. / Drivel. / Yeah, maybe some parts. / What parts? / The... drivel parts.

Jerry:Oh, my gosh. I just realized I have to make a phone call. I can't believe... Would you...? I'll be right back.

Jerry · George:We say we're frightened and we have to go home. / Yeah, that's good. He'd clunk our heads together like Moe.

Jerry:All fathers are intimidating. They're intimidating because they are fathers. Once a man has children, for the rest of his life his attitude is: 'The hell with the world, I can make my own people. I'll eat whatever I want. I'll wear whatever I want... and I'll create whoever I want.'

Elaine · Jerry · George:So how is everything going over here? / Great. / Couldn't be better.

Jerry:Like the lure of the Siren's song. Never what it seems to be. Yet who among us can resist?

Jerry · Elaine · George:You know better than to get involved with Kramer. / He said he'd give me a lift. / The lift. Like the lure of the Siren's song. Never what it seems to be. / Yet who among us can resist?

Elaine · Jerry · George:It's snowing. / It's beautiful. / Snow? / Snow, that can't be good for suede, can it? / I wouldn't think so.

Elaine · Jerry:Why don't you turn it inside out? / Inside out. Great.

Alton · Jerry:What the hell do you call this? / I turned my jacket inside out. / Well, you look like a damn fool. / Well, it's a new suede jacket. It might get ruined. / Well, you're not walking with me and my daughter dressed like that. That's for damn sure.

Jerry:I can't believe that I do.

George · Jerry:See, I like it like this. / Isn't that...? / Is this from the snow last night? / You know what you should have done? You should have turned it inside out. / I'll try and remember that.

Jerry:I'll try and remember that.

Jerry:I had a leather jacket that got ruined. Now, why does moisture ruin leather? I don't get this. Aren't cows outside most of the time?

Jerry:When it's raining, do cows go up to the farmhouse: 'Let us in. We're all wearing leather! Open the door. We're gonna ruin the whole outfit here.'

Jerry:'Is it suede?' 'I am suede. The whole thing is suede. I can't have this cleaned. It's all I got.'

Jerry:The bad thing about television is that everybody you see on television is doing something better than what you're doing.

Jerry:You never see anybody on TV sliding off the sofa with crumbs on their face.

Jerry:'We have soda! We have soda! We have soda!' Jumping, laughing, flying through the air.

Jerry:It's a can of soda... and I'm standing there, 'Maybe I'm putting too much ice in mine.'

George · Jerry:And to cover my nervousness, I started eating an apple. I think if they hear you chewing on the other end of the phone, makes you sound casual. Yeah, like a farm boy.

Jerry · Date:I'd invite you up, but the place is being painted. — Unless you want to go to your place. — Okay, but there's no cake or anything, if that's what you're looking for.

Jerry:I think if one's going to kill oneself, the least you could do is leave a note. It's common courtesy. That's just the way I was brought up.

Elaine · Jerry:Values are important. / So important.

Jerry:What's brutal about the date is the scrutiny you put each other through. The guy will be like, 'I don't think her eyebrows are even. Could I look at uneven eyebrows for the rest of my life?'

Jerry:Of course, the woman's looking at the guy thinking: 'What is he looking at? Do I want someone looking at me like this for the rest of my life?'

Jerry:She thinks you're a guy that doesn't like coffee.

George · Jerry · Elaine:Coffee is sex. — Maybe coffee was coffee. — Coffee's coffee in the morning, not at 12:00 at night. Some people drink coffee that late. — Yeah, people who work at NORAD who are on 24-hour missile watch.

Kramer · Jerry:— So you gonna use it? — I don't think so. — Well, it's funny. — It's funny. — I like to do my own material. — That's as good as anything you do.

George · Jerry:I can't call a woman with other people in the room. — You're kicking me out of my house?

Jerry:Don't do the apples. It's enough already with the apples.

Jerry:After one date you try and improvise on a machine?

Jerry:My brother-in-law once left a message on this guy's machine. And he blurted out business information he wasn't supposed to. It would have cost him $15,000... so he waited outside the guy's house. When the guy came home, he went with him and switched the tape.

Jerry · Donna:You're the one that likes that commercial! — He told you that?

Jerry:He would never actually tell me anything like that. He never discusses anything. He's... he's like a clam.

Jerry:Don't worry, it wasn't working anyway.

Jerry · George:— I can't blame you. I can't believe she never called you back. — She did. — What? — Today.

Jerry · Jerry:What if she sees me? — You are such a wuss.

George · Jerry:'Tippy-toe!' — I don't think so. — No tippy-toe?

George · Jerry:The signal is... I'll sing. — What song? — 'How Do You Solve a Problem Like Maria?' — What is that? — It's a lovely song.

George · Jerry:— 'Lemon Tree.' — Peter, Paul and Mary? — No. Trini Lopez.

Jerry:I love my phone machine. I wish I was a phone machine. If I saw somebody on the street I didn't want to talk to, I could go: 'Excuse me. I'm not in right now. If you could just leave a message, I could walk away.'

Jerry:I also have a cordless phone, but I don't like that as much. Because you can't slam down a cordless phone. You get mad at somebody on a real phone: 'You can't talk to me like that.' Bang. You know. Cordless phone: 'You can't talk to me like that.' [clicks off weakly]

Jerry:Every time I paint my apartment, it gets smaller — I can feel the walls closing in from the thickness of the paint.

Jerry:I don't know where the wall outlets are. I just look for a lump with two slots in it. Looks like a pig is trying to push his way through from the other side.

Jerry:My idea of the perfect living room would be the bridge on the starship Enterprise. Big chair, nice screen, remote control.

Jerry:Star Trek really was the ultimate male fantasy. Just hurtling through space in your living room watching TV.

Jerry:The aliens were always dropping in because Kirk was the only one that had the big screen. They'd come over Friday nights. Klingon boxing. Got to be there.

Jerry · George:No! I'm not going up there! / Harold and Manny.

Jerry · George:What was that all about? / Oh, nothing important.

Jerry:I don't know if you should sit for this or not. Sitting is good if you faint, but standing is good for jumping up and down. I can't decide.

Jerry · Elaine:Sure, it hurts sometimes to give and give and give... / Would you please?

Jerry · Elaine:The repeated 'No! / Yes. / No! You didn't! / Yes. I did.' exchange, escalating to 'Get out!' at $400/month.

Elaine · Jerry:We're neighbours. I'll be here all the time! / All the time. [Jerry's repeated dead response]

Jerry:The problem with talking is nobody stops you from saying the wrong thing.

Jerry:You're out somewhere with people. 'Gee, you look pregnant. Are you?' / Cut, cut, cut! That's not gonna work at all. Walk out the door. Come back in. Let's take this whole scene again.

Jerry · George:I told Elaine about an apartment opening up in my building. She's going to move in. / How could you do that? / Because I'm an idiot.

George · Jerry:You think you're an idiot, but with all due respect, I'm a much bigger idiot than you are. / Don't insult me, my friend. Remember who you're talking to. No one's a bigger idiot than me. / Ever ask an ex-girlfriend to move into your building? Ever go to a singles' weekend in the Poconos?

Jerry · George:Every time I come in, I'll have to sneak around like a cat burglar. / You're doomed. You'll have all your sex at women's apartments. It'll be a permanent road trip. Forget about the home-bed advantage.

Jerry · George:But I need the home-bed advantage. / Of course. We all do.

Jerry:You know that little guy in your head who watches everything you say? He went for a cup of coffee. And, in that second, ruined my life.

Jerry · George:Water pressure's terrible in my building. She loves a good shower. Never heard of anyone turning down an apartment because of weak showers. / If they were fanatic about showers, they might. / For that rent, she'd take a bath in the toilet tank if she had to.

George · Jerry:I'd like to have a kid. / Of course, you have to have a date first.

George · Jerry:Ever since he's worn a wedding band, women have been coming on to him everywhere. / That'd be an interesting sociological experiment.

Jerry · George:You know, I used to think that the universe is a random, chaotic sequence of meaningless events. But I see now that there is reason and purpose to all things. / What happened to you? / Religion, my friend. That's what happened to me. Because I have just been informed that it's going to cost Elaine the sum of $5000 to get the apartment upstairs.

Jerry:This is gonna require some great acting now. I have to pretend I'm disappointed. So you'll see me really being a phoney. I hope you can take this.

Jerry:Jerry's stand-up about feeling great to be alive — extreme euphoria as he anticipates delivering bad news to Elaine.

Jerry:Have you ever gotten up in the morning and felt that it's great to be alive? That every breath is a gift of sweet life from above. [beat/pause — then Jerry is clearly about to deliver terrible news to Elaine]

Kramer · Jerry · Elaine:Kramer barges in and immediately pressures Jerry to loan Elaine the $5,000, turning a private conversation public and forcing Jerry's hand.

Kramer · Jerry · Elaine:Jerry, you don't have $5000 you can lend her? / Yeah, well, I didn't... I mean... / Is that something you want to borrow?

Jerry · Kramer · George:You know, money can sometimes come between friends. / Get out of here. / Well, let me think about it.

Jerry:It was all over. Taken care of. Done. Finished. Five thousand. Where was she gonna get 5000? She doesn't have 5000. Clean. Goodbye. She's gone. Then you come in: 'Why don't you loan her 5000? What do you care? You got 5000. Give her 5000!'

Jerry:Let me explain something to you. You see, you're not normal. You're a great guy. I love you, but you're a pod.

Jerry · Kramer:I, on the other hand, am a human being. I sometimes feel awkward, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain situations with the other human beings. / You wouldn't understand. / Yeah. Because I'm a pod.

Elaine · Jerry:I'll take it! / No.

Partygoer · Jerry:Oh, the marathon is great, isn't it? / Oh, yes. Particularly if you're not in it.

Partygoer · Jerry:I wish we had a view of the finish line. / What's to see? A woman from Norway, a guy from Kenya and 20,000 losers.

George · Jerry:You have no idea what an idiot is. / Elaine just gave me a chance to get out, and I didn't take it. / This is an idiot. / Is that right?

Jerry · George:Jerry can't sleep, tells George he decided to tell Elaine the truth — then is distracted by the ring that won't come off George's finger.

Kramer · Jerry · George:I just found a guy who's willing to pay $10,000 for the apartment. / You what? Get out! / Ten thousand? / Cash! / Who would pay that much? / He's in the music business.

Jerry · Kramer:This is beautiful. I think I'm in the clear here. Elaine's not moving in. I don't have to confront her. She has no idea I never wanted her to move in. I'm golden. / Well, occasionally, I like to help the humans.

Jerry · Harold:Can't you do something? / I'm not going up. / It stinks up there.

Jerry:What do you do when a neighbour is making a lot of noise at 3:00 in the morning? Can you knock on someone's door and tell them to keep it down? You're really altering your whole self-image. What am I, Fred Mertz now? What's happening to me? Can I do this? Am I a shusher? I used to be a shushee.

Jerry:There's a lot of shushing in movie theatres. People are always shushing. Doesn't work. Nobody knows where it's coming from. They just hear... 'Was that a shush? I think somebody shushed me?'

Jerry:Some people you can't shush. There's always a certain group. They're talking. Everyone around them is shushing them. They won't shush. They're the unshushables.

Jerry:Jerry's mock-serious sweepstakes announcement opening: 'I have to tell you that I did get some very exciting news recently... it seems... that I may have already won some very valuable prizes.'

Jerry:'You have definitely lost.' / 'Not even close.' / 'Even we cannot believe how badly you've done in this contest.'

Jerry:'Students can't clean. It's anathema.'

Jerry:Jerry's story about breaking the statue while using it as a microphone singing 'MacArthur Park': 'And I got to the part about I'll never have the recipe again...and it slipped out my hand, and it broke.'

Jerry:'It was the single most damaging experience of my life. Aside from seeing my father naked.'

Jerry · Kramer · George:The inka-dink standoff: 'Come on, I saw it first.' / 'Kramer, I have to have the statue.' / 'I got dibs.' / 'No dibs.' / 'Spread out. You numbskulls. Why don't you just settle it like mature adults?'

Jerry · George:'Potato man.' / 'No, no. No potato man. Inka-dink.'

Jerry · Kramer · George:Three adults solemnly performing the full inka-dink rhyme to determine statue ownership

Jerry · Kramer · George:The dispute over whether 'it' wins or loses in inka-dink: 'He's it. He wins. / It is good.'

Jerry:'Do over. Start with him.'

Jerry:'I can't believe I won at inka-dink.'

Kramer · Jerry:'All right, let's go. Hey... You know, you owe me one. / What? / The inka-dink. You were it. / It's bad? / It's very bad.'

Elaine's boss/editor · Elaine · Jerry:'Where's this boyfriend of yours? I can't wait much longer, I got a flight.' / 'He's probably caught in traffic.' / 'Or maybe he's dead.'

Ray · Jerry:'Your palace shall sparkle like the stars in heaven...upon your safe arrival, sire.' / 'The toilet brush is under the sink.'

Jerry:Jerry's stand-up on cleaning guilt: 'There's that guilt when someone's cleaning your house. You're sitting on the sofa, they go by with the vacuum. I'm really sorry about this. I don't know why I left that stuff over there.'

Jerry:'That's why I could never be a maid. I would have that attitude. I'd find them, wherever they are. I suppose you couldn't do this. No, don't get up. Let me clean up your filth. No, you couldn't dust. Oh, this is too tough, isn't it?'

Jerry · George:'He cleaned in the little one-inch area between the refrigerator and the counter. How'd he get in there? He must be like Rubber Man.'

Jerry · George:'There's no Rubber Man. Why did I think there was a Rubber Man? There's Elastic Man, Plastic Man...'

Jerry:'Elaine, he Windexed the little peephole.'

Ray · Jerry:'But I didn't just clean your apartment. It was a ritual, a ceremony. A celebration of life.' / 'Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?'

Ray · Jerry · Elaine:'Do you take sugar? / No. / No.' — casual tea conversation cutting through Jerry's quiet panic about the stolen statue

Kramer · Jerry:Jerry's phone call to Kramer: 'Ma, I told you...just dip the bread in the batter...and put it in the pan. Okay, bye. My mother. She forgot how to make French toast.'

Jerry:'I already called my parents. I told them to expect the surprise of a lifetime. My mother's making her roasted potatoes.'

Jerry · Ray · George:The confrontation phone call: 'Yeah, the king of comedy, right.' / '...the one with...? The blue lady? Would you shut up?!'

Ray · Jerry · George:The entire Ray confrontation where he turns the accusation around, insisting he bought the statue at a pawnshop in Chinatown and 'the guy retired and moved to Singapore'

Jerry · Ray:'You were in my house. And then I saw it in your house. / What are you saying? / What am I saying? Take a wild guess.'

Ray · Jerry · George:'I got that statue in a pawnshop. / Pawnshop? / A pawnshop? / In Chinatown, with money I earned cleaning apartments. / Cleaning them out.'

Ray · Jerry:'You want her. / No, she's a little too cheery for me. She's from Finland, for crying out loud. Finland! Do you understand?'

Ray · Jerry · George:'Is it me? Do I rub you the wrong way? / No, actually, I find you quite charming. A bit verbose at times. / I find you so charming. You wuss.'

Ray · Jerry · George:'Did you call me a wuss? / What did you say? / I said luss. I'm at a luss.'

Ray · Jerry · George:'I'd love to take you to the pawnshop where I got it. / That's not necessary. / You know, maybe it's not that bad an idea. / And I would love to. Nothing would please me more. But unfortunately, the guy retired and moved to Singapore.'

Ray · Jerry:'You are starting to make me angry. / Well...that was bound to happen.'

Jerry · Ray:'Hey, Ray. / Yes? / How did you get the goop out of the top of the dishwashing liquid? It was like a brand-new nozzle.'

Jerry · Elaine:The 'big coincidence' argument: 'Big coincidence. / Not a big coincidence. A coincidence. / No, that's a big coincidence. / That's what a coincidence is. / There are no small coincidences and big coincidences. / No. There are degrees of coincidences. / No. There are only coincidences. Ask anyone.'

Jerry:Jerry's phone call to his mother about the statue: 'It's just a statue. / How is it my fault? It was stolen. I didn't even touch it this time. / Okay, fine. / I don't see why this should affect the potatoes. / Okay! Goodbye.'

Jerry:'She doesn't react to disappointment very well. / Unlike me. / I'm not happy about this.'

Jerry · George:'This experience has changed me. It's made me more cynical, more bitter, more jaded. / Really? / Sure. Why not?'

Jerry:'I'm not happy about this.' [Jerry's repeated line]

Kramer · Jerry:'Perhaps we can take comfort in the knowledge that in the next world, Ray will be the recipient of a much larger and more harsh brand of justice. / Yeah, he'll have my parents.'

Jerry · George · Kramer:'Kramer, I can't believe it. Oh, you're my hero! / Yeah. / Kramer, what did you do? / Well, let's put it this way: I didn't take him to People's Court.'

Jerry · Kramer:'Kramer, I don't know how to thank you.' / 'Well, I'll think of something.'

Jerry:Jerry's closing stand-up on personal security at the beach: 'You go to the beach, go in the water. Put your wallet in the sneaker. Who's gonna know? What criminal mind could penetrate this fortress of security?'

Jerry:'I tied a bow. They can't get through that.' / 'I put the wallet down by the toe of the sneaker. They never look there. They check the heel, they move on.'

Jerry:'I tied a bow. They can't get through that.' / 'I put the wallet down by the toe of the sneaker. They never look there. They check the heel, they move on.'

Jerry:Criminal covering his face on the news — what is he worried about damaging his good name?

Jerry:"Isn't that Johnson from sales? He's up in that clock tower, picking people off one by one. I don't know if that's the kind of man we want heading up that new branch office. He should be in bill collection. I think he's got aptitude."

Jerry · George:Jerry says Newman called him at 3am threatening to jump off the roof. 'What did you say?' 'I said, "Jump."'

Jerry:"If you're gonna kill yourself, do it already and stop bothering me."

Jerry:"At least I'd respect the guy for accomplishing something."

Jerry:George asks what Jerry is supposed to tell Newman — 'How much there is for him to live for? Why should I lie to him?'

Jerry:Jerry's laundry philosophy: 'Fluff and fold, the only way to live. I drop it off, I pick it up. It's a delight.'

Jerry:Jerry refuses to mix his laundry with George's: 'My guys don't know your guys.'

Jerry:Jerry extends the laundry gang logic: 'You can't just lock them all in the same machine together. They'll start a riot.'

Jerry:At the laundromat, Jerry asks for George's clothes to be done in a separate machine, insisting the machines shouldn't even be touching each other 'because something could, you know, jump across.'

George · Jerry:George walks into the laundromat and announces he quit his job. Jerry's response: 'Get out of here.'

Jerry:Jerry's response to the bathroom revelation: 'You and your toilets.'

Jerry:Jerry's response to 'general manager of a baseball team': 'Yeah, well, that... That can be tough to get.'

George · Jerry:George: 'Well, that's really not fair.' Jerry: 'I know.'

George · Jerry:George: 'Movies. I like to watch movies.' Then: 'Do they pay people to watch movies?' Jerry: 'Projectionists.'

Jerry:After the entire career brainstorm, Jerry says: 'Yeah, well, it doesn't sound like you completely thought this through.'

Jerry:Jerry's reasoning: 'You're an emotional person. People don't take you seriously.'

George · Jerry:The 'never happened' mantra exchange — George and Jerry chanting 'Never happened / never happened' back and forth while working themselves up.

Jerry:Stand-up: The office greeting problem — you say hi in the morning and then have to keep coming up with new greetings all day. 'You start racking your brains. You do the little eyebrow, you know, "Hey."'

Jerry · Elaine · George:Jerry and Elaine scene — George recounting 'I'll always be a winner.' Elaine: 'Well, so that's that.' Jerry: 'No, that's not that.' Elaine: 'That's not that? Well, if that's not that, what is that?'

Jerry:Jerry: 'What are you, Peter Lorre?'

Jerry:Jerry: 'Where are you gonna get this Mickey? I can't believe I'm saying "Mickey."'

Jerry:Jerry: 'You got a Mickey source?'

Jerry · George:Jerry: 'The best revenge is living well.' George: 'There's no chance of that.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry learns Newman jumped. 'Did he call you last night?' 'Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.' 'What did you say?' 'I said, "Wave to me when you pass my window."'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer: 'Did he wave?' — beat — 'No.'

Jerry · Kramer:Newman jumped from the second floor and is lying there faking. Jerry: 'See, he's trying to get back at me.'

Jerry:Jerry reveals he had $1,500 hidden in his laundry bag and forgot about it — then took it to the Laundromat.

Jerry:Jerry: 'You are like the James Bond of laundry.'

Jerry:Jerry: 'Well, to teach something, you really have to know a lot about it. I think you need a degree.'

Jerry · Elaine:Elaine brings Jerry his laundry. 'Oh, my God, the money. The 1500, where'd you find it?' Elaine: 'It was in my laundry.' Jerry: 'In your laundry? The whole time?'

Jerry:Jerry: 'I told you not to mix in our guys.' — revealing his 'guys' mixed laundry is where the money ended up.

Jerry · Newman:Newman shouts from the roof. Jerry responds: 'Well? What are you waiting for?'

Jerry:Stand-up closing: Jerry's bit on 'The best revenge is living well' — then: 'Sounds nice. Doesn't really work on that Charles Bronson kind of level.'

Jerry:Stand-up close: '"Charlie, forget the .357. You need a custom-made suit and a convertible, new carpeting, French doors, a divan. That'll show those punks."'

Jerry:As an adult, if I want a cookie, I have a cookie. I have three cookies or four cookies or 11 cookies if I want.

Jerry:Many times, I will intentionally ruin my entire appetite. Just ruin it. And then I call my mother up right after to tell her that I did it.

Jerry:Even if you ruin an appetite, there's another appetite coming right behind it. There's no danger in running out of appetites. I've got millions of them. I ruin them whenever I want.

Jerry:Look, Zigmond! Look at the sky! The planet's on fire! It is just as you prophesised! The planets of our solar system incinerating like flaming globes, Zigmond, like flaming globes!

Jerry:I got up last night, I wrote this down. I thought I had this great bit. 'Fullman hurtel vom'?

Jerry:'Fax me some halibut.' Is that funny? Is that a joke?

Jerry · George:'Don't mess with Johnny.' Johnny? Johnny who? Johnny Carson? Did I insult Johnny on The Tonight Show? Did you mess with Johnny, Jerry?

Jerry:Jerry's flat response: 'I don't think that's it.'

Jerry · George:I saw it in the TV Guide, I called him, told him make sure and not watch it. There was nothing else on.

Jerry:He saw that show on anorexia last year, ate like an animal for two weeks.

Jerry:Jerry cuts off George's tonsil ice cream monologue with 'Shut up!'

Doctor · Jerry:'Salami salami bologna.' / 'Definitely.'

Jerry:What a surprise.

Jerry:You know, I was wondering — you know that Blackhawks jacket you have? Well, you know, if things don't exactly work out...

George · Jerry:Well, it wouldn't fit you. The sleeves are too short. / No, I tried it on. It fits good.

Jerry · George:Do you think it'd be all right if I called Susan Davis? / Susan Davis?! / Well, it's not like we'll be bumping into you.

Jerry · George:Jerry appears to begin smothering George with the pillow — George panics

Jerry:Yeah, if you've been exposed to gamma rays.

Jerry:Well, it's like the Capulets and the Montagues.

Jerry:Jerry tries to chase the doctor but walks into something/is delayed — visual beat

Jerry:Women go after doctors like men go after models. They want someone with knowledge of the body. We just want the body.

Jerry:A rebel? No, Johnny Yuma was a rebel. Ackman is a nut.

Jerry · Kramer · George:How much does the healer charge? / First visit? 38 bucks. / Oh, yeah. Holistic. That's what I need. That's the answer.

Kramer · Jerry:You like the way I talked you into coming? / Don't flatter yourself, my friend. I'm here strictly for material.

Jerry:You're not a patient, you're a customer. And you're not a doctor, but you play one in real life.

Jerry:Tor, may I ask you a question? You have intuitive abilities. You're in touch with a lot of cosmic kind of things. I have this note I can't read. I was wondering if...

Jerry · Tor:Jerry asks Tor to use his 'intuitive abilities' and 'cosmic things' to decode the illegible note.

Jerry:It's a jelly candy. Comes in five flavours.

Elaine · Jerry:I was gonna kiss you good night. / A kiss? With the tongue? The glossa with the bumps and the papillae? / I don't think so.

Jerry:Well, live and learn. At least we lived.

Jerry:Kramer went to Ackman. He feels all better already.

Jerry · TV · George:Hey, turn up the TV. / The planet's on fire! It is just as you prophesised. The planets of our solar system incinerating like flaming globes, Zigmond, like flaming globes! / That's it! That's it! 'Flaming globes of Zigmond'! That's my note. That's what I thought was so funny.

Jerry · George · Elaine:It's not funny. There's nothing funny about that. / Shut up!

Jerry:I have a friend who's a hypochondriac. Always thinks he's sick, never is. Then you have another type — always thinks they're well, no matter how bad they are. 'I like being on a respirator. Intravenous, heart-lung machine. I never felt better in my life.'

Jerry:It's probably only a matter of time before a heart attack becomes like a headache. 'I had a heart attack this big, but I gave myself one of these: Clear! And it's gone.'

Jerry:Women don't try on the clothes, they get behind the clothes.

Jerry:They need to know, 'If someday I'm one-legged at a 45-degree angle, what am I gonna wear?'

Jerry:You never see a man do that — put his head in the neck of a suit and go, 'What about this suit? I'll get it. Looks fine.'

Jerry:'Put some shoes by the bottom of the pants. I want to make sure. Perfect. Now, what if I'm walking? Move the shoes, move the shoes. Move the shoes.'

Jerry · George:He was good in Man From U.N.C.L.E. / Guess whose birthday is coming up soon.

Jerry:I know. I know. I'm having my root canal the same week.

Jerry:Hey, lookit. Naked people.

George · Jerry:No, I don't want to see the naked people. / Been a while?

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry gives Elaine a significant look across the room, she gives one back — beat of silence before dialogue begins.

Jerry · Elaine:'Probably about... what, 25 times.' / 'Thirty-seven.'

Jerry · Elaine:Yeah, we pretty much know what we're doing in there. / We know the terrain.

Jerry · Elaine:The entire euphemistic 'this' and 'that' negotiation: 'We go in there, we're in there for a while, then we come back out here. That's not complicated. It's almost stupid if we didn't.'

Jerry · Elaine:'It's almost stupid if we didn't.' / 'It's moronic.' / 'Absurd.'

Jerry · Elaine:The 'rules' negotiation: 'No calls the day after that.'

Jerry · Elaine:'Spending the night is optional.' — Rule #2, with the explanation that sleep got 'all tied up and connected with that.'

Jerry · Elaine:'What about the kiss good night?' / 'Tough one.' / 'Your call.' / 'It's bourgeois.' / 'Fine.'

Jerry:Nothing much. I slept with Elaine last night.

George · Jerry:Boy, these are really bad details. / It pains me to say this, but I may be getting too mature for details.

Jerry:She must have taken some kind of seminar or something.

Jerry · George:'No calls the next day.' / 'So you have the sex, next day, you don't have to call.' / 'That's pretty good.'

Jerry · George:Spending the night: Optional. / No. No. You see? You got greedy.

Jerry · Elaine:Is this yours or the roommate's? / Roommate's. / Would she mind? / She keeps track of everything. / Well, that's too bad, because I'm taking it.

Jerry:I got that root canal tomorrow morning. It'll be easy if I go home.

Jerry · Elaine:I'm having surgery tomorrow. / Surgery! You're going to the dentist!

Elaine · Jerry:Okay. So fine, go. / What happened to the rules? Remember? Sleeping over was optional. / It's my house, it's my option!

Jerry · Tina:'Tina, could you excuse us for just one second?' / 'Yeah. I'll excuse you.'

Jerry · Elaine:I can't go if you're mad. / I'm not mad. / You seem a little mad. / No, Jerry, I'm fine. Really, it's okay. / So you're okay with everything? / Definitely. / Are you? / Definitely.

Jerry · Elaine · Tina:Jerry goes to kiss Elaine goodnight and stops himself, pointing to the 'rules.' / 'Hey, who took my cake?'

Jerry:I don't want to send the wrong message. Not after the other night.

Jerry:Whatever I give her, she'll be bringing in experts from all over the country to interpret the meaning behind it.

Jerry · George:A bench? / What kind of a bench? / What, like at a bus stop? / Like a park bench? / Who puts a bench in the house?

Jerry:No, too relationship-y. I mean, she opens it up, she hears that 'Lara's Theme,' I'm dead.

George · Jerry:'What about candleholders?' 'Too romantic.' 'Lingerie?' 'Too sexual.' 'Waffle maker?' 'Too domestic.' 'Bust of Nelson Rockefeller?' 'Too gubernatorial.'

Jerry:Stand-up: Greeting-card companies now put out cards that are blank on the inside. Nothing. It's like the card company says: 'We give up. You think of something.' / 'For 75 cents, I don't want to get involved.'

Jerry:Of course I remembered. You reminded me every day for two months.

Elaine · Jerry:Cash? / You got me cash?

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry gives Elaine a birthday card — it reads: 'To a wonderful girl, a great pal, and more.'

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry gives Elaine cash — $182 — as a birthday gift.

Jerry:This way, I figure you could go out and get yourself whatever you want.

Elaine · Jerry:Who are you, my uncle? / Hey. Come on, it's $182 there. I don't think that's anything to sneeze at.

Jerry:Hey. Come on, it's $182 there. I don't think that's anything to sneeze at.

Jerry · Elaine:I am not your pal. What's wrong with pal? Why is everybody so down on pal?

Kramer · George · Jerry:That's pretty good, huh? / You remember when she mentioned it? I made a mental note of it. Well, goody for you. Yeah. See, I'm very sensitive about that.

Jerry · Kramer · George:182 bucks. / Cash? / You've gotta be kidding. What kind of gift is that? That's like something her uncle would give her.

Jerry · Elaine:We got along beautifully. / Like clams. / It was wonderful. / A pleasure.

Jerry · Elaine:So I think we should forget the whole deal and go back to being friends. / I can't do it. / You what? / I can't do that.

Jerry · Elaine:No this? / No that. / No this or that. / Oh, boy.

Jerry:What is it about sex that just disrupts everything? Is it the touching? Is it the nudity? It can't be the nudity. I never got into these terrible fights and misunderstandings when I was changing before gym class.

George · Jerry:This means I can't see her anymore either. / Why? / It's breakup by association.

George · Jerry:Besides, she's mad at me anyway because of my birthday present. / Why? What did you wind up giving her? / Ninety-one dollars.

Jerry:Imagine bumping into her on the street in five years with a husband. And she tells me that he's a sculptor. They live in Vermont.

George · Jerry:We'd have to kill him. / We'd get caught. I'd get the chair. / I'd go to prison as your accomplice. Have to wear that really heavy denim.

George · Jerry:The cafeteria, with the guy who slops the mashed potatoes onto your plate. / Go to the bathroom in front of hundreds of people. / Plus, you know what else.

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry returns to Elaine's apartment. / 'Hey.' / 'Hey.' / 'Got the paper yet?' / 'Yeah.' / 'Well, where is it?'

George · Jerry · Elaine:So what are you guys gonna do today? / This and... that. / And the other.

George · Jerry · Elaine:'So what are you guys gonna do today?' 'This and that. And the other.'

Jerry:Stand-up closer: 'Why is commitment such a big problem for a man? ...when a man is driving down that freeway of life, the woman he's involved with is like an exit. But he doesn't want to get out. He wants to keep driving. ...the man focuses on the sign underneath that says Next exit 27 miles. And he thinks, I can make it.'

Jerry:Jerry builds anticipation about 'exciting news' he may have received, stringing the audience along before revealing it's just a sweepstakes mailer

Jerry:'I'd like once for a sweepstakes company to have some guts. Just tell people the truth one time. Send out envelopes: "You have definitely lost." You turn it over, giant printing: "Not even close." You open it, there's a letter of explanation: "Even we cannot believe how badly you've done in this contest."'

George · Jerry:Someone laboriously hauls a large piece of furniture or object — 'To the right' — followed by 'Boy, that took a while.' / 'Don't get up. I'd like to help, but my neck....'

Jerry · George:'What's in it? Grandpa clothes. I can't wear them. You want these? Knee socks. You don't wear knee socks.'

Jerry · George:'Students can't clean. It's anathema.' / 'They don't like it.' / 'How long you been waiting to squeeze that into a conversation?'

Jerry:Jerry's childhood trauma story about breaking the statue while singing 'MacArthur Park' — 'I'll never have the recipe again' — and his parents reacting 'like I smashed the Ten Commandments.' Punchline: 'Aside from seeing my father naked.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry and Kramer fight over the statue like children — 'Come on, I saw it first.' / 'I got dibs.' / 'No dibs!'

George · Kramer · Jerry:George suggests settling the dispute 'like mature adults' — then immediately proposes 'Potato man.' / 'No, no. No potato man. Inka-dink.'

George · Jerry · Kramer:Three grown men solemnly chanting the full 'Inka-dink, a bottle of ink / The cork fell out, and you stink / Not because you're dirty / Not because you're clean / Just because you kissed a girl / Behind the magazine'

George · Kramer · Jerry:Dispute over who is 'it' in Inka-dink — 'He's it. He wins.' / 'It is good.' — followed by 'Do over. Start with him.'

Jerry:'I can't believe I won at inka-dink.'

George · Jerry:'All right, let's go. Hey.... You know, you owe me one.' / 'What?' / 'The inka-dink. You were it.' / 'It's bad?' / 'It's very bad.'

Jerry · Elaine:'Where's this boyfriend of yours? I can't wait much longer, I got a flight.' / 'He's probably caught in traffic.' / 'Or maybe he's dead.'

Ray · Jerry:'Your palace shall sparkle like the stars in heaven upon your safe arrival, sire.' / 'The toilet brush is under the sink.'

Jerry:Jerry's stand-up about the guilt of having someone clean your house: 'You're sitting on the sofa, they go by with the vacuum. "I'm really sorry about this. I don't know why I left that stuff over there."'

Jerry:'That's why I could never be a maid. I would have that attitude. I'd find them, wherever they are. "I suppose you couldn't do this. No, don't get up. Let me clean up your filth. No, you couldn't dust. Oh, this is too tough, isn't it?"'

Jerry:'He really did an amazing job. Look. He uncoagulated the top of the dishwashing liquid.'

Jerry:'He cleaned out the bottom of the little egg cups.'

Jerry · George:'He cleaned in the little one-inch area between the refrigerator and the counter. How'd he get in there? He must be like Rubber Man.' / 'There's no Rubber Man.' / 'Why did I think there was a Rubber Man?'

Jerry:'Elaine, he Windexed the little peephole.'

Ray · Jerry:'But I didn't just clean your apartment. It was a ritual, a ceremony. A celebration of life.' / 'Shouldn't you be out on a ledge somewhere?'

Ray · Jerry:'How about dinner?' / 'No, I don't eat dinner.' / 'Dinner's for suckers.'

Jerry:Jerry calls Ray: 'Hello, Ray? Hi, Ray. This is Rava's friend, Elaine's friend, Jerry.'

George · Jerry:'Thought you said 1:00.' / 'Relax. He's late. He's always late. It's part of his m.o.'

Ray · Jerry · George:'For your information, I got that statue in a pawnshop.' / 'Pawnshop?' / 'A pawnshop?' / 'In Chinatown, with money I earned cleaning apartments.' / 'Cleaning them out.'

Ray · Jerry:'What's behind this? It's Rava, isn't it?' / 'Again with the Rava.' / 'You want her.' / 'No, she's a little too cheery for me. She's from Finland, for crying out loud. Finland! Do you understand?'

Jerry · Ray · George:Jerry: 'Is it me? Do I rub you the wrong way?' / Ray: 'No, actually, I find you quite charming. A bit verbose at times.' / George: '"I find you so charming." You wuss.'

Ray · Jerry · George:'Did you call me a wuss?' / 'What did you say?' / 'I said, "luss."' / 'I'm at a "luss."'

Ray · George · Jerry:Ray offers to contact the pawnshop owner who 'retired and moved to Singapore' to get a Photostat of the receipt — Jerry loses it: 'That's it! I can't take it. I can't take it anymore!'

Ray · Jerry:'You are starting to make me angry.' / 'Well... that was bound to happen.'

Ray · Jerry:After the whole ugly confrontation, Ray delivers a gracious exit speech: 'I hope you think about what you've done here today. And if you wanna call and apologize, you know where to reach me.' Then Jerry asks: 'Hey, Ray. How did you get the goop out of the top of the dishwashing liquid? It was like a brand-new nozzle.'

George · Jerry:George asks Jerry: 'Nervous?' / Jerry: 'Why should I be?' — before meeting with Lippman

Jerry:Jerry's mother calls about the statue: 'Ma, will you stop? It's just a statue. How is it my fault? It was stolen. I didn't even touch it this time.' / 'I don't see why this should affect the potatoes.'

Jerry · George:'She doesn't react to disappointment very well.' / 'Unlike me.' / 'I'm not happy about this.'

Jerry · George:'This experience has changed me. It's made me more cynical, more bitter, more jaded.' / 'Really?' / 'Sure. Why not?'

Jerry:Jerry responds to learning he's not considered funny: 'I'm not happy about this.'

Kramer · Jerry:'Perhaps we can take comfort in the knowledge that in the next world, Ray will be the recipient of a much larger and more harsh brand of justice.' / 'Yeah, he'll have my parents.'

George · Elaine · Jerry · Kramer:'Kramer, I can't believe it.' / 'Oh, you're my hero!' / 'Kramer, what did you do?' / 'Well, let's put it this way: I didn't take him to People's Court.'

Jerry:Stand-up: 'People are going to steal from you. You can't stop them. But everybody has their own little personal security things... You go to the beach, go in the water. Put your wallet in the sneaker. Who's gonna know? What criminal mind could penetrate this fortress of security?'

Jerry:'"I tied a bow. They can't get through that." "I put the wallet down by the toe of the sneaker. They never look there. They check the heel, they move on."'

Jerry:Jerry's stand-up bit about the phone company calling back to collect more money after you hang up on an overtime call.

Jerry:Jerry taunts the phone company operator by picking up the phone, delaying, then saying 'You hear that? That's a quarter. Yeah, you want that, don't you?'

Jerry · George:'You should run for mayor.' — 'Nobody listens.'

George · Jerry:George tells Jerry to get menus now so they're ready when they sit, but Jerry refuses because 'He knows I'm waiting. He sees me. He just doesn't wanna look.'

Jerry:Jerry spots a woman with dark hair and a striped shirt, is convinced he knows her but can't place her, and it starts to 'drive him crazy.'

Jerry · George:Jerry and George notice people getting a table who apparently came in after them, setting off indignant protests.

Jerry:Jerry's observation: 'You ever notice how happy people are when they finally get a table? They feel so special because they've been chosen. It's enough to make you sick.'

Jerry · George:Jerry's $50 bet — he'll pay George $50 if George walks to a stranger's table, picks up an egg roll, eats it, says 'Thank you very much,' wipes his mouth, and walks away.

Jerry:Jerry: 'How do people fast? Did Gandhi get this crazy?'

George · Jerry:Jerry: "Hey, sorry I took so long." George (pivoting instantly): "Oh, that's okay. Really, don't worry about it."

George · Jerry:George stopped mid-encounter and told Tatiana: 'I think it would be best if I left.' — and this was said DURING, not after.

Jerry · George:Jerry: 'You said this to her after?' George: 'No.' Jerry: 'During?' — beat — George: 'Yeah.'

Jerry:Jerry's nostalgic observation about going to restaurants as a child vs. now: 'now I just feel like a big sweaty hog waiting for them to fill up the trough.'

George · Jerry · Elaine · Mr. Cohen · Maitre d':The arrival of Mr. Cohen: an elderly regular who just wanders in and is immediately offered a table — while our heroes have been waiting.

Jerry · Maitre d':The group protests that they've been waiting and Mr. Cohen 'just came in.' The maitre d' responds: 'Mr. Cohen, very nice man. He live on Park Avenue.'

Jerry:Jerry's existential breakdown: 'Where am I? Is this a dream? What in God's name is going on here?'

Jerry · Lorraine:Jerry's awkward run-in with the woman in stripes — extended, stilted small talk where they clearly have nothing to say.

Elaine · Lorraine · Jerry:The name collision: "Hi. I'm Elaine." Lorraine: "Oh, Lorraine Catalano." Jerry: "I'm sorry. Lorraine, this is Elaine."

Jerry:'The women's movement just can't seem to make any progress in the world of bribery, can they?'

Jerry · Maitre d':Jerry's catastrophically awkward bribery attempt — 'How's it going? Very busy.' / 'Boy, we are really anxious to sit down.' — ending with the maitre d' describing the specials.

Jerry · Maitre d':Jerry shoves the money at the maitre d' saying 'Take it. Take it.' — and the maitre d' calls someone else's name: 'Dennison, four! Your table is ready.'

Jerry · George:Jerry: 'He took the money. He didn't give us a table.' George: 'You didn't make it clear.' Jerry: 'Make it clear? What a sorry exhibition that was.'

Jerry · Maitre d':Jerry tries to get the $20 back — he asks the maitre d' to instead look at 'the girl over there with the long hair.'

Maitre d' · Jerry:After all of Jerry's attempts, the maitre d' simply says: 'Be about five, 10 minutes.'

Jerry:'There seems to be a bit of a discrepancy.'

Elaine · George · Jerry:Debate about eating in the cab: 'Chinese food in a cab?' / eating in the movie / eating hot dogs / 'Oh, movie hot dogs? I'd rather lick the food off the floor.'

George · Jerry · Elaine:'Who's Cartwright?' / 'I'm Cartwright.' / 'You're not Cartwright.' / 'Of course I'm not Cartwright!'

Jerry:George decides not to go to the movie. Elaine says she'll go to Sky Burger. Jerry: 'Well, I can't go to a bad movie by myself. What, am I gonna make sarcastic remarks to strangers?'

Jerry:Stand-up closer: Jerry on hunger and cannibalism — 'I mean, the proof of that is cannibalism.'

Jerry:Jerry's cannibal dialogue bit: 'This is good. Who is this? I like this person.'

Jerry:Jerry's observation about the hardest thing about being a cannibal: trying to get deep sleep. The paranoid cannibal dialogue: 'What was that? Who's there? You look hungry. Are you hungry? Get out of here.'

Jerry:I have eaten rolls off of room-service trays in hotel hallways. I have. That's not a joke. This is my life.

Jerry:Why would somebody poison a roll and leave it in the hallway for some comic coming down at 2:00 in the morning?

Jerry:What is this, the story of the bill? 'Once upon a time, there were some very hungry people...' Am I graduating from the restaurant?

Jerry:Why do I get pesto? Why do I think I'll like it? I keep trying to like it. It's like I have to like it.

Jerry:I'll bet you he's getting hair transplants. Anytime you see a guy that age wearing a baseball cap, ten to one — plugs.

Kramer · Jerry:Let it warm up for a minute. Yeah, that's a tough minute. It's like waiting in the shower for the conditioner to work.

Jerry:Everybody's moving to Seattle. It's the pesto of cities.

Jerry · George:It was just gonna be a weekend, but, then, somehow it became a week. Ho. Ho. Ho. Ho!

Jerry:I mean, let's face it. It's not a profession where you embellish your resume and undergo a series of grueling interviews.

Jerry:I'd love to, but I don't know anything about him. He could be one of those people that walks around the street pricking people with pins.

Jerry · Kramer:How did you get all this? Does the word charm mean anything to you? No.

Jerry:George, stop worrying about this guy. It wasn't your fault. Come on. He's not stalking you. Hey. He doesn't even know where you live. Who told you to give him your business card?

Jerry:Kramer says it's up to the cat now.

George · Kramer · Jerry:It'll be on your conscience. / Oh? How do you figure? / Because you're the one that left the door open. / Why was I in charge of closing the door? / Because you came in after him. / So? / So the last person in should close the door.

Elaine · Jerry:Ed's downstairs. Can I have the car keys? No hello? You got any aspirin?

Elaine · Jerry:Now, lookit, you guarantee me this car's gonna get me to the airport tomorrow, no problem? Guarantee? Hey, it's a car.

Jerry:So, did you have a nice week together?

Jerry:If you miss that plane, there's no alternative. On the ground, you have options. You have buses, you have taxis, you have trains. But when you're taking a flight, if you miss it, that's it. No airline goes, 'Well, you missed the flight. We do have a cannon leaving in about 10 minutes.'

Jerry:It's not a direct cannon. You have to change cannons after you land... I'm sorry, where are you going, Chicago? Oh, Dallas. All right. Wait a second. That's about Dallas. Texas, anyway. You should hit Texas.

Jerry:Are you ready? Make sure you get out of the net immediately, because we shoot the luggage in right after you.

Jerry · Elaine · Kramer · George:There, there. There, there. [pause] Hey, the busboy's coming! The busboy's coming? You don't mean here? Yeah. I just buzzed him in. He's on his way up. He's coming up? Check you out later.

Jerry · Antonio:It's Eddie. He's coming up. / And the very same night of the accident, while looking for Paquita, I find a job in a restaurant where they pay me almost twice what I was making before.

Jerry · Elaine · George · Kramer:He'll get another job. He's a busboy. It won't be for a while. At least not till after the cast comes off. It was that fall down the stairs, that's what did it. / That's not how it happened. / It's when he fell on him with his knee. / Ugh. That was awful. Poor Antonio.

Jerry · Elaine:So... much longer? / Till when? / Till he goes back to Seattle, or till he can feed himself?

Jerry:First of all, I can't believe that people actually do fight. People have fistfights in life. And I can't really believe we have boxing, either.

Jerry:Why don't they have the boxers come into the ring in little cars, drive around a little bit, have a little accident, they get out — 'Did you see my signal? Look at that fender!' — Then you'd see a real fight.

Jerry:To me, the problem with boxing is you have two guys having a fight that have no prior argument. Why don't they have the boxers come into the ring in little cars, drive around a little bit, have a little accident, they get out-- 'Did you see my signal? Look at that fender!' Then you'd see a real fight.

Jerry:Every time somebody recommends a doctor, he's always the best. 'This guy's the best.' They can't all be the best. There can't be this many bests. Someone's graduating at the bottom of these classes. Where are these doctors?

Jerry:'You should see my doctor. He's the worst. Oh yeah. He's the worst. He's the absolute worst there is. Whatever you've got, it'll be worse after you see him. He's just a — He's a butcher. The man's a butcher.'

Jerry:'Oh, you know Bob. Oh, okay, I'll give you the real medicine. Everybody else I'm giving Tic Tacs.'

Jerry:Jerry asks 'What do you think the worst part of being blind is?' out of nowhere during what appears to be a normal lunch conversation.

Jerry · Kramer · George:Jerry: 'So she's giving me the massage and I'm just making conversation.' / Kramer: 'I don't like to talk during a massage.' / Jerry: 'Neither do I, but I do it for them. I figure they're bored.' / George: 'Yeah, I do that too. I feel guilty about getting the pleasure. I feel like I don't deserve it, so I talk. It stops me from enjoying it.'

Kramer · George · Jerry:Kramer interrupts Jerry's story to complain: 'There's nothing to eat in here.' Jerry: 'I forgot to tell you.' George: 'I'm in the middle of a story.' Kramer: 'Okay, go ahead.' George: 'Why don't you ever go shopping?' Kramer: 'It's not like it's a really funny story.'

George · Jerry · Kramer:George recounts launching into the Pennsylvania abduction story mid-massage: 'And then for some reason, I launch into the story about the kid from Pennsylvania who was abducted.' / Jerry: 'Oh, wasn't that terrible?' / Kramer interjecting: 'Not even an apple.'

George · Jerry:George: 'She doesn't wanna hear that. That was stupid.' Jerry: 'I know it was stupid.' George: 'Really stupid.' Jerry: 'Hey, I just said it was stupid.'

Jerry · George · Kramer:The revelation that physical therapy is covered by insurance if you get a doctor's note — everyone's eyes light up.

Jerry · George:Jerry: 'You don't have to pay?' / George: 'And you don't have to pay?' — both ask the exact same question independently

George · Jerry:George comes back to the waiting area visibly shaken: 'A.... Yes. A.... A man gave me.... Yes. A man gave you.... A man gave me... a massage.'

George · Jerry:'So he was touching and rubbing.' / 'That's a massage.' / 'Then I took my pants off.' / 'You took your pants off?' / 'For my hamstring.' / 'He got about two inches from... there.' / 'Really?' / 'I think it moved.'

George · Jerry:Jerry: 'It moved?' / George: 'It may have moved. I don't know.' / Jerry: 'I'm sure it didn't move.' / George: 'It moved! It was imperceptible, but I felt it.' / Jerry: 'Maybe it just wanted to change positions. You know... shift to the other side.' / George: 'No, no. It wasn't a shift. I've shifted. This was a move.'

George · Jerry:It moved? It may have moved. I don't know. I'm sure it didn't move. It moved! It was imperceptible, but I felt it.

George · Jerry:George: 'That's the sign, the test. If a man makes it move.' / Jerry: 'That's not the test. Contact is the test. If it moves as a result of contact.' / George: 'Do you think it's contact? It has to be touched?' / Jerry: 'That's what a gym teacher once told me.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry: 'No. I'm sorry. If Joe DiMaggio wants a doughnut, he goes to a fancy restaurant. He's not sitting in Dinky Doughnuts.' / Kramer: 'Well, maybe he likes Dinky Doughnuts.' / Jerry: 'I can't see Joe DiMaggio sitting at the counter at little, tiny, filthy, smelly Dinky Doughnuts.' / Kramer: 'Why can't he have a doughnut like everybody else?' / Jerry: 'He can have a doughnut, but not a Dinky.'

Jerry:Jerry: 'The guy slept with Marilyn Monroe. He's in Dinky Doughnuts.'

Jerry · George:The circular exchange at Roy's: 'And if you can't, believe me, it's fine.' / 'He didn't say he can't.' / 'If you feel funny about it at all.' / 'He doesn't feel funny.' / 'If he does.' / 'Do you feel funny?' / 'Forget it.' / 'He didn't say anything.' / 'He feels funny.'

Jerry · George:George? [pause] George. [longer pause]

Jerry:I can't believe this. I make one innocent comment about some lunatic in Pennsylvania, and I'm cut off. This woman is insane.

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer complains about seating: 'What's with you?' / Kramer: 'You were too close to me. I was all scrunched in there.' / Jerry: 'Hey, you scrunched me.' / Kramer: 'I sat down here first.'

Jerry:Jerry: 'See, now I know it's not him. Joe DiMaggio could not be a dunker.'

Jerry:Jerry: 'Why didn't you just call out his name?'

Jerry:Jerry: 'Yeah, you know kids. They can be very perceptive.'

Jerry · Kramer · George:George: 'Hey, George. What is this? What is that? No, really. What is that?' — Jerry/Kramer examining George's injury

Jerry · George · Elaine:Roy calls: he's under investigation for insurance fraud. The three friends' silent horror as this sinks in — long pause before anyone speaks.

Elaine · Jerry · George:Elaine: 'I told you.' / Jerry: 'Told me what? I didn't say anything.' / George: 'Three notes. How stupid was that? We never should've got three notes.' / Elaine: 'Three notes? Yeah. You, me and George.' / Jerry: 'You got me a note?' / Elaine: 'But I got my own note.' / Jerry: 'You what?' / Elaine: 'I got a note from my gynecologist. I didn't know you'd get me a note.'

Jerry:Jerry: 'He's got a wife, kids and a lot of other stuff.' — trailing off

Jerry · George · Roy:At Roy's office — guilt exchange: 'I mean, the whole thing, it's just....' / 'Tragic.' / 'Well, it's not tragic.' / 'No?' / 'No. It's...' / 'Unsettling?' / 'Okay.' / 'I mean, what if they—?' / 'I hope you're both happy.'

Jerry · George:Jerry: 'I'm not happy.' / George: 'Me neither. I've never been happy.' / Jerry: 'I mean, I'm happy sometimes, but not now.' / George: 'In college, maybe.' / Jerry: 'Those were fun times.' / George: 'Yeah, college was fun.'

Jerry · Pam:Roy's assistant Pam: 'I hope you're both happy' — later Jerry says of Pam: 'I've just met her, but I'm very impressed.'

Jerry · George:Jerry: 'Well, I mean, it's only a six-month probation. It's a slap on the wrist.' / George: 'I still don't see any dinner invitations forthcoming.'

George · Jerry:Men have been popping into my sexual fantasies. / All of a sudden, I'll be in the middle. / Of what? / And a guy will appear from out of nowhere. I said, 'Get out of here. What do you want? You don't belong here.' / What do they do? / They talk back. They go, 'Hey, George, how's it going?' I said, 'Get the hell out of here.'

Jerry · George · Kramer:The third DiMaggio sighting — this time all three see him: 'Oh, my God. It's... Joe DiMaggio. Having a cup of coffee.' / 'And he's dunking.' / 'Look at him. The Yankee Clipper.'

Kramer · Jerry · George:Oh, my God. It's... / What? / Joe DiMaggio. Having a cup of coffee. / And he's dunking. / Yeah. / Look at him. / The Yankee Clipper.

Jerry · George:Jerry points out DiMaggio to George: 'Here. You see? Now, that is a handsome man.' George: 'Oh, please.'

Kramer · Jerry · George:Here. [Kramer pushes George toward DiMaggio] / Oh, please. / Wait. Hold on a minute. Wait. [long pause] / See? I told you.

Jerry:Stand-up closer: 'What causes homophobia? What is it that makes a heterosexual man worry? I think it's because men know that deep down, we have weak sales resistance. We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. Men think, 'Obviously, I can be talked into anything.'

Jerry:I think it's because men know that deep down we have weak sales resistance. We're constantly buying shoes that hurt us, pants that don't fit right. Men think, 'Obviously, I can be talked into anything.'

Jerry:'What if I accidentally wander into some sort of homosexual store, thinking it's a shoe store, and the salesman goes: 'Just hold this guy's hand, walk around the store. See how you feel. No obligation, no pressure, just try it. Would you like to see him in a sandal?'''

Jerry:Opening stand-up bit about extra buttons saved with jackets — the absurdity of manufacturers including replacement buttons nobody ever uses

Patrice · Jerry:George's girlfriend reveals her creative passion is papier-mâché hats

Jerry:Jerry's baffled reaction: 'I don't understand. Papier-mâché hats?'

Jerry · George:'What if it rains?' / 'They're art. You hang them on the wall.'

Jerry:'Any money in it?' — Jerry cutting through Patrice's artistic pretension

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry's volcano charity fraud backstory — he donated to a 'Krakatoa relief fund' that was never going to erupt

Jerry:'A long, long time ago...in a galaxy far, far away.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry complains about Kramer leaving hardened tomato sauce in the pasta strainer: 'All the little squares have hardened red sauce in them.'

Jerry:'It's a riot, Alice.'

Jerry:'I could really live without...the tribal music and the make-out sessions in the living room.'

Jerry:Jerry's mock-heroic defense: 'Those brave Krakatoans...east of Java...who sacrificed so much, for so long.'

Elaine · Jerry:'See, that's karma.' / 'No, that's Kramer.'

Elaine · Jerry:'See, that's karma.' / 'No, that's Kramer.'

Jerry:Jerry's elaborate, bureaucratic description of George's relationship with a former IRS official: 'an old friend of mine, whom you may have met...George Louis Costanza, has recently become intimate with a female accountant who was formerly a highly placed official with a little outfit known as the IRS'

Elaine · Jerry:'Why is she doing this?' / 'I don't know. It must be love.'

Jerry:'If this audit had happened to me and I didn't have this woman to help me...I would've killed this man. I would've strangled him with my bare hands.'

Jerry:'It's the financial equivalent of a complete rectal examination.'

Jerry:'There he is, the man himself, George Louis Costanza. Here I am, about to go to the electric chair, and my oldest friend is dating the governor.'

George · Jerry:George casually reveals he broke up with Patrice — the woman holding Jerry's tax papers — right after handing them over

Jerry:'She hates you now. People don't do you favours after you dump them.'

Jerry:'The IRS...they're like the Mafia. They take anything they want.'

Jerry · George:Jerry tells George 'you're extremely...careful with money' — and George erupts over being called 'cheap'

George · Jerry:'You should've lied.' / 'So should you!'

George · Jerry:'Champagne, limos, cigars.' — George defending his spending habits while not working

George · Jerry:'She put them in her pocketbook. I guess she took them.' / 'A pocketbook or a handbag? Is that relevant? She took them.'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer has found a windshield on the road and is carrying it into Jerry's apartment

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer plans to make a coffee table out of the windshield. Jerry: 'Well, wouldn't it be invisible?'

Kramer · Elaine · Jerry:Kramer walks in on Elaine naked — the reveal scene

Kramer · Elaine · Jerry:Triple echo: 'I saw her naked.' / 'He saw me naked.' / 'Kramer saw me naked.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry offers to let Kramer see him naked as compensation: 'All right, if it's gonna make you feel any better, you can see me naked.'

Jerry:'Kramer, you know you're always welcome in my home...but as far as Mr. Johnson is concerned...that's another story.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry's invisible coffee table callback: 'I'm gonna kill myself on that thing. You can't even see it.' / 'You'll sense it.'

Jerry · George:'Where is she?' / 'A mental institution.'

Jerry:Jerry's stand-up about being naked and feeling 'that's it, there's nothing else I can do'

Jerry:Stand-up bit: 'That's why I like to wear a belt when I'm naked. Because I feel it gives me something. Some, you know, I'm naked, but, you know...'

Jerry:'I'd like to get pockets to hang off of the belt. That would be the ultimate thing. To be naked and still be able to do this [mimes hands in pockets].'

Jerry:'I hate to raise a crass financial concern, but was there any information as to the whereabouts of my papers?'

George · Jerry:George loves word-association tests: 'There's no wrong answer!' / 'Potato.' / 'Tuberculosis.' / 'Blanket.' / 'Leroy.' / 'Grass.' / 'Tuberculosis.'

Jerry · Kramer:Kramer is apparently barely dressed or wearing something inappropriate at the mental institution. 'Kramer! Kramer, could you please...put something on?'

Jerry · George:'There are no copies.' / 'Who makes copies?'

Jerry:Jerry tracks down a 1987 computer receipt by describing a salesman with 'a maroon sport jacket' who 'might have had a toupee — oh, it was a weave?'

Jerry · Kramer · George:The cab negotiation — Kramer insisting on getting in when he's going nowhere near where they're going

Kramer · Jerry · Elaine · George:Everyone fights to share the cab to 48th Street: 'We'll share a cab.' / 'You going by 48th. You can give me a ride.' / 'I'm getting in on that.' / 'You know you're chipping in!'

Jerry:Stand-up closing bit: 'IRS kind of sounds like Toys 'R' Us. Maybe it won't be so bad. Maybe they have a sense of fun about it.'

Jerry:Stand-up bit: 'I think they should take all your receipts and put them in one of those big, Lucite sweepstakes drums...Give you a feeling like you might win something.'

Jerry:Stand-up: IRS should put receipts in a 'big Lucite sweepstake drum' to give you 'a feeling like you might win something'

Jerry:Stand-up closing: 'I'm sorry. That's another illegal deduction...but we do have some lovely parting gifts for you. Jail.'

Jerry:I have never seen an old person in a new bathing suit in my life. I don't know where they get their bathing suits.

Jerry:My father has bathing suits from other centuries.

Jerry:If you go down there and forget your bathing suit, they want you to wear one of theirs. 'You need trunks, son? I got trunks for you. You can wear my trunks.'

Jerry:Fathers don't wear bathing suits, they wear trunks. It's kind of the same thing a tree would wear if it went swimming.

Jerry:You ever put on a bathing suit that you don't know exactly where you are inside the bathing suit? You bump into somebody, 'No, I'm parasailing. I'm waiting for the boat to come back.'

Jerry · Morty · Helen:We waited 35 minutes in the rent-a-car place. / I don't know why. We would have picked you up. / I don't want to use your car. / What's wrong with our car? / Nothing. It's fine. / What if you want to use it? / We don't. / So, what, you'd hitch?

Jerry · Morty:Oh, I didn't get the insurance. / How could you not get the insurance?

Jerry · Helen:Do I have to make a speech? / Of course. They're giving a testimonial for your father. / You could do your comic routines. / Oh, yeah. That'll go over real well with that crowd.

Jerry · Helen · Morty:You have a lake. / The lake isn't real. / The lake is real. / Are you kidding? They built the lake. / But it's real, it's water.

Helen · Jerry:We don't even sleep. / It's a sofa bed. / You'll be uncomfortable. / What about you? / Why should I be comfortable?

Jerry:I'll sleep standing up. I'll be fine.

Jerry · Elaine:Jerry, you don't have to stay on the couch on my account. You two can stay in there together. / That's not a good idea. / I thought that you-- / Not now. She's right inside.

Jerry · Morty:We've tried all kinds of arrangements but we can't seem to be friends when we sleep together. / Why do you need more friends? You've got plenty of friends.

Morty · Helen · Jerry:He's an idealist. / What are you looking for? / I'm looking. I like looking. / He likes looking. / So look. / But how long can you look? / I'm going for the record.

Jerry · Jack:And scuba diving. / Scuba diving? Who's going scuba diving? / We're going. We'll be back in time. / What do you have to go scuba diving for? / For fun. / For fun?

Jack · Morty · Jerry · Helen:Listen, Morty, you want to settle up for last night? All right. I owe you $19.45. / What did you have? You had the minute steak. / Yeah. / Did you have a Coke or what? / I did not have a Coke. / Somebody had a Coke. / I had a Coke.

Jack · Jerry:Take the pen. / Oh, no. / Go ahead. / I couldn't. / Take it. / I can't take it. / Do me a personal favor. / No, I'm not comfortable. / I cannot take it. / Take the pen. / Are you sure? / I'm positive. Take the pen.

Helen · Jerry · Morty:What did you take his pen for? / He gave it to me. / But you didn't have to take it. / She's gotta make a big deal out of everything.

Helen · Morty · Jerry:He never should have offered it. / He didn't think you'd accept. / Well, he was wrong.

Elaine · Jerry:What is with this bar? It's right in my back. It's killing me. / You wanna switch? I'm on a love seat. / I got my feet up in the air like I'm in a space capsule.

Elaine · Jerry:I am never gonna fall asleep. / Oh, no, don't say that. You'll jinx me.

Jerry:How can they not put the air conditioning on? They're nuts with temperature.

Jerry:How about that guy writing a check for $19.45?

Jerry · Elaine:It's one day. / Half a day, really. / I mean, you subtract showers and meals, it's like 20 minutes. / It'll go by like that.

Helen · Jerry:You're going underwater? / Yes, generally, that's where scuba diving is done.

Helen · Jerry:What's down there that's so special? / What's so special up here?

Elaine · Jerry · Helen:Don't be alarmed. / Oh, my God. / What the hell happened to you? / I'm okay. / My capillaries burst.

Jerry · Elaine:Do you know what you look like? / How you doing. Having a good time.

Jerry · Elaine:What's she doing, yoga? / My back hurts.

Jerry · Jack:Listen, Mr. Klompus, it was a nice gesture to give me the pen, but I don't really need it. / You what? / It's a terrific pen, but I think you should keep it. / Well, I mean-- / Take it. / All right.

Jerry · Helen:Isn't he supposed to emcee? / Yeah, he's supposed to be the emcee. / Well, this should be a very interesting evening.

Jerry · Elaine:Say 'astronaut.' / Say what? [long pause] / You took too many of those pills. / Astronaut? / Say it. / Astronaut! / Astro....

Jerry · Uncle Leo:Uncle Leo. / Hello!

Jerry:Stella! [Shouted twice in the episode]

Aunt Stella · Jerry:We saw you on The Tonight Show last week. I thought Johnny was very rude to you. He didn't even let you talk. / No, no. / You need some new material. I've heard you do that dog routine three times already.

Aunt Stella · Jerry:You should get your cousin Jeffrey to write some material for you. / What? Jeffrey works for the Parks Department. / You should read the letters he's written. He's funnier than the whole bunch of you.

Morty · Jerry:Tell them about when you took my son's pen back. Tell them about that. / Dad. / He gave my son a pen, and then he takes it back. Tell them that!

Jack · Jerry · Morty:I took it back? I gave it to him! / Give him the pen. / You broke my dental plate. / Doris! He broke my dental plate. / You son of a bitch. I'll sue you.

Helen · Jerry:Jerry, do your act. / I can't. Nobody's even listening. / Well, they're all gonna leave.

Jerry:How you folks doing tonight? Hey, have you ever noticed how they give you the peanuts on the planes?

unnamed neighbor · Jerry · another neighbor · Aunt Stella:-Not my Harry! He flies first class! / -Who thought the thing everybody wants on a plane is a peanut? / -I'd rather have a bottle of Scotch! / Do the dog routine.

Jerry:All I said was, 'I like the pen!'

Jerry:Stella! [Second delivery, during chaos]

Helen · Jerry:So we have you for five more days. / There's no point in me staying. You're just gonna be-- / Excuse me?

Jerry · Elaine:What, are you kidding me? Five more days? / Well, today's almost over, and weekdays always go by fast. / And Friday, we're leaving, so it's like two days, really. / It's like a cup of coffee. / It'll go by like that.

Jerry:If they ever decide to land men on the sun... I think these old retired guys will be the only ones that will be able to handle it. They'll sit there on the redwood benches, washcloth on their head, going: 'I'm trying to get a sweat going.'

Jerry:The ventriloquist dummy has a very active sexual, social life — always talking about dates and women, bringing them back to the suitcase at night.

Jerry:He can spin his head around... We're somehow expected to believe... because the face is so animated... they think we're not noticing the feet are just swinging there.

Jerry:Jerry reacting with outrage to a library overdue notice from 1971, demanding the head librarian and saying 'This is a joke, right? What are you, from a radio station?'

George · Jerry:George calculates the fine: 'That's a nickel a day for 20 years. It's gonna be $50,000.' Jerry: 'It doesn't work like that.' George: 'If it's a dime a day, it could be 100,000.'

Jerry:Jerry describes Sherry Becker developing 'this body in secret... under these loose clothes for, like, two years. And then one day... this orange dress. It's burned in my memory.'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer's romantic construction about the librarian ('She needs a little Kramer, huh?') followed immediately by Jerry: 'Then she'll need a little shot of penicillin.'

Jerry · Librarian:The library investigator's name is actually 'Bookman.' Jerry: 'That's like an ice-cream man named Cone.'

George · Jerry:George spots the screaming, calisthenics-doing homeless man on the library steps and says he thinks it's their old gym teacher, Mr. Heyman.

Jerry · George:Jerry: 'George got him fired. He squealed on him.' George: 'I didn't tattle.' Jerry: 'He sang like a canary.'

Elaine · Jerry · George:So they forgot to get your lunch. Big deal. What do you know? You've never worked in an office. See, you've worked in an office, George. You understand. Jerry thinks I'm overreacting, but you understand lunch.

Jerry · George:Jerry remembers Heyman made George smell his own gym socks; then adds 'I remember he made you wear a jock on your head for a whole class.'

Jerry:The stand-up bit comparing the library to a 'government-funded pathetic friend' who lets you borrow anything if you'll just be his friend.

Jerry:Stand-up bit: The library is like 'that pathetic friend everybody had as a kid that would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That's what the library is. It's a government-funded pathetic friend.'

Jerry:'That's why everybody bullies the library. "I'll bring it back on time, I'll bring it back late. What are you gonna do, charge me a nickel?"'

Jerry:'I'll bring it back on time, I'll bring it back late. What are you gonna do, charge me a nickel?'

Bookman · Jerry:Jerry doesn't have instant coffee. Bookman: 'Who doesn't have instant coffee? Buy a jar of Folgers crystals, put it in the cupboard, you forget about it. When you need it, it's there. It lasts forever. It's freeze-dried. Freeze-dried crystals.'

Jerry:Jerry: 'Really? I'll have to remember that.' — responding to Bookman's Folgers tutorial

Bookman · Jerry:Bookman: 'You're a comedian. You make people laugh.' Jerry: 'I try.' Bookman: 'You think this is all a big joke?'

Jerry:Jerry insisting he remembers returning the book because of the Black Jack gum: 'She gave me a piece of Black Jack gum. I said, "Liquorice gum. What will they think of next?"'

Jerry · Sherry:Sherry Becker's witness testimony: 'I remember it like it was yesterday. It was a Friday afternoon. I wore a purple dress.' Jerry: 'Purple? You sure it wasn't orange?' Sherry: 'Positive.'

Sherry · Jerry:Sherry: 'And I was chewing Dentyne. I always chewed Dentyne. Remember, Jerry? Dentyne?' Jerry's horrified silence, then: 'No Black Jack? Liquorice gum? Never.'

Sherry · Jerry:Sherry reveals they were reading from Tropic of Capricorn, not Tropic of Cancer — and it was Jerry who had both books

Sherry · Jerry:We were...reading passages to each other from that Henry Miller book you had. — Tropic of Cancer. — No. Tropic of Capricorn.

Jerry · George:The flashback reveals George was given the book with the instruction 'Don't let anybody see it. Don't let anything happen to it.' George: 'Jerry, it's me, George. Don't worry. I'll return it tomorrow.'

Jerry:So, Georgie boy, guess what happened to Tropic of Cancer.

Jerry:Jerry watching Bookman leave: 'That is one tough monkey.'

Jerry:Stand-up closing bit: 'Any day that you had gym was a weird school day... You have English, geometry, social studies... and then suddenly you're like in Lord of the Flies for 40 minutes. You're hanging from a rope. You have hardly any clothes on.'

Jerry:'Teachers are yelling at you, "Where's your jockstrap?" Kids are throwing dodge balls at you. You're trying to survive. Then it's history, science, language. There's something off in the whole flow of that day.'

Jerry:The ventriloquist dummy has a very active sexual, social life — dates, women, bringing them back to the suitcase at night.

Jerry:He says kinky things because he's made out of wood and can spin his head around. We're somehow expected to believe — because the face is so animated — they think we're not noticing the feet are just swinging there.

Jerry:You always see a little ankle. Those little thin, fabric ankles. You think, 'I don't think this thing is real.'

Jerry:Jerry reacts to the library's phone call: 'Are you kidding me? Let me speak with the head librarian. It's absurd.' / 'This is a joke, right? What are you, from a radio station? Okay, you got me. I fell for it.'

Jerry · George:Jerry calculates the fine: 'Do you know how much that comes to? That's a nickel a day for 20 years. It's gonna be $50,000.' / George: 'It doesn't work like that.' / Jerry: 'If it's a dime a day, it could be 100,000.'

Jerry:Jerry waxes poetic about Sherry Becker's orange dress: 'She was developing this body in secret under these loose clothes for, like, two years. And then one day... this orange dress. It's burned in my memory.'

Jerry · George:Jerry about George: 'Wait till he finds out we're going to the library. He'll be thrilled.' — George is seen sitting in the library reading a newspaper attached to a huge wooden stick.

Jerry:Jerry's response to Kramer's romantic fantasy: 'Then she'll need a little shot of penicillin.'

Jerry · George:Jerry learns the library investigator's name: 'Bookman?' / George: 'The library investigator's name is actually Bookman?' / Jerry: 'Come on.' / George: 'It's true.' / Jerry: 'That's amazing. That's like an ice-cream man named Cone.'

Jerry · George · Kramer:Jerry: 'George got him fired. He squealed on him.' / George: 'I didn't tattle.' / Kramer: 'He sang like a canary.'

Jerry:Jerry reacts to hearing Bookman is 'out on a case': 'He's out on a case? He actually goes out on cases?'

Elaine · Jerry · George:Elaine: 'He never likes anything I recommend, and then that lunch thing.' Jerry: 'So they forgot to get your lunch. Big deal.' Elaine: 'What do you know? You've never worked in an office. See, you've worked in an office, George. You understand. Jerry thinks I'm overreacting, but you understand lunch.'

Jerry · Kramer · George:Jerry: 'Remember, he made me smell my own gym socks once?' Kramer: 'I remember he made you wear a jock on your head for a whole class.' Jerry: 'And the straps were hanging down...' George: 'Okay, okay.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry: 'You never even had him for gym.' Kramer: 'I had him for hygiene. Remember his teeth? It was like from an exhumed corpse. Little baked beans.'

Jerry:Jerry's stand-up bit about the library: 'Here's a place where you can go in, take out any book you want. They just give it to you and say, "Bring it back when you're done." Reminds you of that pathetic friend everybody had as a kid that would let you borrow any of his stuff if you would just be his friend. That's what the library is. It's a government-funded pathetic friend.'

Jerry:Jerry continues the library stand-up: 'That's why everybody bullies the library. "I'll bring it back on time, I'll bring it back late. What are you gonna do, charge me a nickel?"'

Bookman · Jerry:Bookman arrives and immediately interrogates Jerry about coffee: 'Got any coffee?' / 'No, I don't drink coffee.' / 'How about instant coffee?' / 'No, I don't...' / 'No instant coffee? Who doesn't have instant coffee? Buy a jar of Folgers crystals, put it in the cupboard, you forget about it. When you need it, it's there. It lasts forever. It's freeze-dried. Freeze-dried crystals.'

Bookman · Jerry:Bookman: 'You're a comedian. You make people laugh. You think this is all a big joke?' / Jerry: 'No, I don't.' / Bookman: 'I saw you on TV once. I remembered your name from my list. I looked it up. Sure enough, it checked out. You think because you're a celebrity, the law doesn't apply? You're above the law?'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer is hiding from Bookman in Jerry's apartment, panicking: 'It's Bookman, the library cop.' / Jerry: 'So? I didn't do anything wrong.' / Kramer: 'I'm supposed to be at work. I could get fired. I never should've come here.' / Jerry: 'Why don't you leave?' / [pause] / Kramer: 'I can't.'

Jerry:Jerry insists to Bookman: 'I have a witness. Sherry Becker. She wore an orange dress. She gave me a piece of Black Jack gum. I said, "Licorice gum. What will they think of next?"'

Jerry · Sherry:Sherry Becker corrects Jerry: 'I wore a purple dress.' / Jerry: 'Purple?' / Sherry: 'Positive. And I was chewing Dentyne. I always chewed Dentyne.' / Jerry: 'No Black Jack?' / Sherry: 'Licorice gum? Never.'

Jerry · Sherry:Sherry remembers: 'We were reading passages to each other from that Henry Miller book you had. Tropic of Cancer.' / 'No. Tropic of Capricorn.' / Jerry: 'Tropic of Capricorn?' / Sherry reads: '"What holds the world together, as I have learned from bitter experience, is sexual intercourse."'

Jerry · Sherry:Jerry suddenly remembers: 'Wait a second, wait a second. You're right. I had both of them. We read from Tropic of Capricorn. I was all set to return Tropic of Cancer. And then...' — reveals he gave the book to George.

Kramer · Jerry:Jerry: 'It's George.' George: 'Are you okay?' Kramer: 'What? It's... It's Marion's poetry.' Jerry: 'I can't take it!' Kramer collapses emotionally.

Jerry · George:Jerry: 'At least it wasn't atomic.' George: '...It was.'

Jerry:Jerry watches Bookman leave and says: 'That is one tough monkey.'

Elaine · Jerry:Elaine tells Jerry she gave Lippman the terrible poems that emotionally devastated Kramer. He didn't like them either.

George · Jerry:George on whether Heyman is still out there: 'Was he out there?' / 'No, he's gone.' / 'I wonder what happened to him.' / 'I guess we'll never know.' — Cut to homeless Heyman.

Jerry:Jerry's closing stand-up: 'Any day that you had gym was a weird school day. You know what I mean? It started off kind of normal. You have, like, English, geometry, social studies... and then suddenly, you're like in Lord of the Flies for 40 minutes.'

Jerry:Jerry continues: 'You're hanging from a rope. You have hardly any clothes on. Teachers are yelling at you, "Where's your jockstrap?" Kids are throwing dodge balls at you. You're trying to survive.'

Jerry:Jerry closes: 'Then it's history... science, language. There's something off in the whole flow of that day.'

Jerry:Stand-up bit about mall directories being upright maps and needing suction-cup feet to navigate them

Jerry:Jerry: 'Why do I always have the feeling everybody's doing something better than me on Saturdays?'

Jerry · George:'There's no other way. Everybody goes every way all the time.' / 'But it's Saturday.' / 'You got the picnic and burger traffic.'

Jerry:'As my grandfather used to say: Sometimes even a picnic's no picnic.'

Jerry:Jerry announces he has to go to the bathroom, then immediately asks: 'Why do they hide the bathrooms in these malls?'

George · Jerry:George imagines approaching the woman: 'I'll go up and say, Hi, how you doing? Would you like a glass of white wine?' — followed by 'You get within 15 feet, she'd have her finger on the Mace button.'

Jerry · Kramer · George:The group realizes nobody knows where they parked. Jerry: 'Look, I thought it was Green 22.' Kramer: 'I remember Orange.' Jerry: 'I didn't pay attention.'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer: 'It's black, right?' Jerry: 'Well, it's dark brown.' — Nobody can accurately describe their own car's color

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer triumphantly points to a car saying 'There it is' — cut to: it's a Toyota. Jerry's: 'No, no. That's a Toyota.'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer worrying: 'How long can fish live in one of these plastic bags?' Jerry: 'I don't know. Maybe two hours.'

Jerry:Jerry: 'Are you aware that adult diapers are a $600-million-a-year industry?'

Jerry:'There's too much urinary freedom in this society. I'm proud to hold it in. It builds character.'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer announces 'It's Purple 23. Remember that.' Jerry sarcastically: 'That I'm supposed to remember. Where the car is, that's insignificant.'

Jerry:Jerry describes his parents' response to being stood up: 'They're gonna put me on an aggravation instalment plan that will compound, with interest, for decades.'

Jerry:Jerry: 'I once left my jacket on a bus when I was 14. I was flying to Chicago, last week, on a plane: Make sure you hang on to your jacket.'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer yells 'I found it!' followed by Jerry: 'No, no, no.' Then: 'All right, that's it. From now on, no more calling out I found it unless we're sitting in it.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry looks at the fish in the bag and says 'His eyes look a little cloudy.' Kramer: 'See?' Jerry: 'Oh, those are your eyes.'

Jerry:Jerry: 'It's amazing how shopping makes me have to go. How does my bladder know I'm in a department store?'

Elaine · Jerry:'Don't you get tired of following rules?' / 'You think I'm too cautious?' / 'Why be uncomfortable if you don't have to?' / 'It's organic.' / 'Organic. So is Buddy Hackett.'

Jerry:Jerry's elaborate fake medical condition speech to the parking garage security officer: 'I have no control over it... the best thing to do is just release it. Otherwise, I could die. Do you hear what I'm saying to you? I'm telling you that if I don't go, I could die.'