The Good Samaritan

Jerry:We've got call waiting, we've got caller ID, we've got three-way calling, we've got speed dial. We've got all this technology, all these innovations in communication. And you know what? We have absolutely nothing to say to each other.

Jerry:You know what nobody does anymore? They don't miss anybody. You can't miss someone because you're always in contact with them. They text you, you text them back, they call you, you email them... It's constant contact. You never get that thing where you really miss somebody.

Jerry:Missing someone was actually a good feeling. It meant you cared about them. Now you can't miss anybody because you know exactly what they're doing at all times. They're sitting on the couch eating cereal.

George:I use speakerphone specifically to annoy people. It's like a bonus feature I discovered.

George:You see, this is what I'm talking about. A simple thank you. A wave of the hand. A nod of the head. You merge in front of me, the least you can do is acknowledge it.

George:What are you, chicken? Are you a chicken? Bawk bawk bawk bawk!

Jerry:I'm not a chicken, George.

George:Then go after him!

Jerry:Hey! You hit my car and just drove away!

Jerry:You know, your tire pressure looks a little low. You should really get that checked out. And your oil—when's the last time you changed it?

Jerry:So I'm thinking I'm gonna go out there, really let her have it. Tell her off, you know? I'm all pumped up, I'm ready to go.

Jerry:I walk up to the car, I tap on the window... She rolls it down, and you know what? She's got the most beautiful smile.

Jerry:Next thing I know, we're at a coffee shop. We're having cappuccino, talking about her day.

Jerry:I completely forgot why I was mad in the first place.

George:I'm speechless. I have no speech.

George:Oh, that's huge! That's huge! If a woman touches your arm, you're in! You're in like Flynn!

George:Why do we love arm touching so much?

Jerry:I'm not analyzing it. That's where it ends.

Jerry:What, 'I dig'? What is this, 1973? Are you going to tell me you're going to keep this affair secret and then ask me if I want to go to a fondue party?

George:You know, I think that's my problem. I don't have a good meeting story. That's why I can't get a relationship to work. Women need to hear a good meeting story.

Jerry:I shouldn't be dating her. She's a bad person. But I'm just drinking milk...

Elaine:You went to Queens?

Jerry:Yes.

Elaine:Nobody goes to Queens.

Jerry:So I said to him, 'You want a piece of me? Because you can't handle what's coming. I've got moves you've never seen before.'

Jerry:I mean, who talks like that? That's terrible dialogue.

Elaine:Wait, so you actually did that?

Jerry:Yeah, I couldn't just stand there.

Elaine:That's... that's incredible.

Jerry:It was nothing.

Elaine:Nothing? Jerry, you're speechless!

Jerry:I'm not speechless.

Elaine:You can't even speak!

Jerry:I'm speaking right now!

Elaine:See? You're so speechless you don't even know you're speechless!

George:No, no, no. You gotta make yourself sound more heroic. Come on, you saved her life!

Jerry:What do you want me to say?

George:Tell her about the sea. How you wrestled it. How you grabbed its hair and you kept it down under the water until it stopped moving.

Jerry:The sea doesn't have hair, George.

George:Don't tell her that! Make it sound good!

Jerry:So he pushes me, and I'm like, 'Hey!' And I do a karate chop.

Jerry:I don't know karate. I've never taken karate in my life.

Kramer:Why don't they just send them to Australia?

Jerry:Australia? Kramer, they sent criminals to Australia.

Kramer:So?

Jerry:So? That's where they sent them. It was a penal colony.

Kramer:No, no, no. England sent their criminals to Australia. We send ours to Australia, we're not gonna dump them all in the same place. That doesn't make any sense.

Kramer:I was watching Entertainment Tonight, and I leaned in real close to the TV to see if that was really Katie Couric, and I hit my head on the corner of the table.

Elaine:I need George at dinner because married couples have this thing where they subtly lord it over you. You know, little comments, little looks. They're like, 'Oh, you're still single?' It's insufferable. But if George is there, at least I have someone to commiserate with. We can exchange knowing glances across the table.

Elaine:I'm not lonely! I have a great life. I go out, I have fun, I meet people. There's plenty of excitement!

Elaine:Why does everyone keep asking me if I'm seeing anyone? I'm fine being single. Totally fine. More than fine. I'm great!

Elaine:His name is... Poppie.

Elaine:You know, it's not really a sport. It's just a man in a fancy outfit waving a cape at a confused animal until it gets tired and they kill it. That's it. That's bullfighting.

George:So uh, you ever notice how the bread at that Italian place is really good? Like, really good bread.

George:You know, I've been thinking about this 'God bless you' thing. Somebody sneezes, you say 'God bless you.' It's a social courtesy, a gap-filler. And somebody has to do it. Somebody has to maintain these standards or society breaks down.

George:Anthony Quinn? The guy's a maniac behind the wheel. I'm telling you, half his movies are about hit-and-runs because that's what he does in real life. The man treats every red light like a suggestion.

George:You know, I was thinking about what you said. About responsibility and moral satisfaction. And you know what? Anthony Quinn was right. 'There is no greater satisfaction than the knowledge that you have done your duty.' That's a real quote. I looked it up.

George:My mother never said 'God bless you' to me in her life.

George:So I'm thinking, if Kirk Douglas can parallel park, maybe he can be trusted with something bigger.

Jerry:Like what?

George:I don't know, a school bus? A nuclear power plant?

Jerry:You know what I realized? 'God bless you' is basically a verbal contract. You sneeze, I say 'God bless you,' and now we're bound by social law.

Jerry:If I don't say it, I've breached the agreement. You can actually sue me for emotional damages.

Jerry:And if you sneeze again and I don't say it the second time? That's a repeated violation. Now we're in arbitration.

Jerry:You know, the 'God bless you' thing, it's very tricky. Because if someone sneezes, you say 'God bless you.' But what if they sneeze again? Do you say it again? How many times do you say 'God bless you'? Is there a limit?

Jerry:I think after the third sneeze, you're off the hook. You've done your part. You've blessed them enough. At that point, they're on their own with God.

Jerry:And the timing is crucial. You have to say it right after the sneeze. If you wait too long, it doesn't count. It's like a blessing statute of limitations.

Jerry:You know, I've been noticing a pattern with sneezing. Some days I sneeze a lot, some days I don't sneeze at all.

George:Yeah, well that's like anything else. You have good nights and bad nights. Last night I had a good sneeze night. Three, four times. Really came out strong.

Jerry:You're treating sneezing like it's a performance.

George:It is a performance! You gotta commit to it. Can't be tentative with a sneeze.

Michael:What is this 'God bless you' thing anyway? It's a stuperstition!

Michael:You know what's better than 'God bless you'? Instead of saying 'God bless you,' I'm gonna say, 'You're very attractive.' Think about it—a guy sneezes, you say, 'You're very attractive.' He'd be like, 'What? Why would you say that?' 'Well, you sneezed. That's what I say now.'

Jerry:Wait a minute. You got these head injuries watching TV?

Kramer:Yeah, I was watching Entertainment Tonight and—

Jerry:Entertainment Tonight? What happened?

Kramer:I don't know, man. Every time that host comes on, my head starts pounding. It's like this involuntary reaction.

Jerry:You're telling me you have a physical condition triggered by a TV host's voice?

Kramer:That's exactly what I'm telling you!

Jerry:Well, maybe you should see a doctor about that.

George:I'm thinking of having an affair.

George:You know, like in those old movies. I'd have a secret apartment, maybe in the city. There'd be a woman waiting for me, wearing a negligee, jazz playing in the background.

George:I'd loosen my tie, she'd hand me a martini... it would be very sophisticated, very Continental.

George:Of course, I'd never actually do it. The logistics alone would be impossible. I can barely coordinate my schedule as it is.

George:I'm fantasizing about having an affair. You know, the passionate encounters, the secret rendezvous, sneaking around...

George:But then I think about it practically. Where am I gonna find the time? And the money? Do you know how expensive it is to maintain a second relationship? The dinners, the hotel rooms, the lies...

George:I can barely afford this one.

George:Affairs are despicable. I mean, how could anyone do that? It's wrong, it's immoral, it's... it's betrayal of the highest order.

George:You know, it's exactly like when I was with Susan and I... well, never mind.

Kramer:There's this girl across the street, she's got red hair, she's very pretty, she's got like a really nice figure...

Jerry:Oh yeah, I know exactly who you're talking about.

Jerry:What if it's not Mary Hart? What if it's John Tesh? What if John Tesh's hair is so shiny it's causing seizures?

Kramer:So you're not gonna tell her about the car?

Jerry:I can't tell her! She'll never go out with me.

Kramer:So you're just gonna lie to her?

Jerry:I'm not lying, I'm just... not mentioning it.

Kramer:That's the same thing, Jerry. That's the same thing.

George:She's not a real person. She's like the Bizarro Jerry. Everything I like, she's the opposite.

George:She's a bald woman. A bald woman! I'm doing the world a favor.

George:She stole my marble rye! My marble rye! Do you know what that means? That's not just bread, that's a statement. That says, 'I'm willing to break the law for carbohydrates.'

George:I'm calling the police. It's my civic duty. If we don't stand up to bread thieves now, where does it end? Tomorrow it's marble rye, next week it's the whole bakery!

George:I'm out there, Jerry, and I'm loving every minute of it. I'm really becoming a man. I'm taking responsibility for my life. I'm doing all these things that I never thought I could do.

Jerry:That's great, George.

George:You know what I did yesterday? I said 'God bless you' to a man who sneezed on the street. A complete stranger. He didn't ask for it. I just did it. And I felt like a hero.

George:You know what? You're right. I'm going to tell her. I'm going to go right up to her and I'm going to tell her that I hit her car.

George:I'm going to be honest. I'm going to be straightforward. No lies, no evasions. Just the truth.

George:Wait, wait, wait. What am I doing? What is wrong with me? She's going to kill me. She's going to absolutely kill me!

George:I committed adultery.

Robin:No, you didn't. You had sex with another woman.

Jerry:Wait, wait, wait. How do you know it's not John Tesh?

George:Where have you been?

Michael:I know you've been seeing someone else.

George:What? No, I haven't!

Michael:Don't lie to me. I saw you with that bald guy.

Jerry:Yeah. Too bad.

Kramer:Even more anatomically impossible threat

George:You know, it's funny you should say that, because I've been thinking - when someone sneezes, 'God bless you' is just so pedestrian. I've come up with something much better.

George:I'm going to say 'You're very attractive.'

George:That's a great threat.

Michael:Yeah? Well, I'm gonna pull out all your teeth and play hockey with your gums.

Elaine:So Jerry finally confronts this guy, right? And he's like, 'You can't just cut in line like that!' I'm thinking, 'Oh my God, this is it. This is my moment. Jerry's actually going to do something.'

Elaine:But then the guy just walks away. Jerry stands there for like two seconds, and suddenly he's telling me it was just like that scene in 'The French Connection.' You know, the famous car chase?

Elaine:I'm like, 'Jerry, the only thing chasing you was your own delusion.'

Jerry:He said he's going to kill you.

George:Kill me? What did I do?

Jerry:He said, 'I'm going to take that keith and break it in half.'

George:You couldn't lie? You couldn't just make up some simple lie?

Jerry:I'm not a good liar, George.

George:I'm George. I'm unemployed and I live with my parents.

Jerry:Yeah.

George:If I can lie, you can lie!

George:This is all your fault!

Jerry:My fault? How is this my fault?

George:You told Elaine that story about the matador, she told it to my wife, my wife thought it was romantic, and now look at me!

Elaine:I was just making conversation!

George:Well, your conversation cost me my marriage!

Elaine:Oh, what a name! Poppie is gonna love that!

Elaine:Where would a single girl meet a matador on the Upper West Side?

Elaine:The grocery store? The dry cleaners? Maybe at a bus stop?

George Costanza:So what's the damage?

Mechanic:Two hundred dollars.

George Costanza:Two hundred dollars? That's it?

Mechanic:Yeah, just a little scratch. I can buff it right out.

George Costanza:A scratch? I hit this car going 40 miles an hour!

Jerry:So, uh, that's all taken care of. The damage, the whole thing.

Jerry:Listen, I was wondering... are you free Saturday night?

Jerry:You know, I have a line that's better than 'God bless you.' When someone sneezes, I say 'You're so good looking.'

Kramer:I'm going out with Elaine.

Jerry:What? You're going out with Elaine?

Kramer:Yeah, we're going to dinner.

Jerry:I can't believe this. This is unbelievable.

Jerry:You ever notice how men are basically just a biological response to beauty? It's like we're not even thinking—we're just reacting. Our brains shut down completely. A woman walks by and suddenly we're cavemen. We lose all higher functioning. 'What was I saying? Who am I? What's my name?' It's involuntary. We can't help it. We're helpless.

Jerry:You see a beautiful woman in a car commercial, and you think, 'You know what? I should buy that car. Maybe she'll be in it.'

Elaine:Well, well, Mr. Seinfeld, that must have been so frightening when you confronted that guy in Queens.

Elaine · Jerry:I'm picturing... what? What? French Connection kind of thing. You know, sort of a Popeye Doyle chase through the city. / It was just a couple of blocks.

George · Jerry · Elaine:He said he was gonna sew your ass to your face. / What? / Why couldn't you think of something? / I don't know! He caught me off guard!

Jerry · Elaine:You lie! How hard is it to lie! / It's not that hard.

George:Not my fault. I wasn't gonna do anything until you got her juiced up with your story about the affair with the matador!

Jerry:None of this would have happened if you hadn't said, 'God bless you'!

Jerry:None of this would have happened if you hadn't said, 'God bless you'!

Kramer · Elaine:Pray tell, what was the young man's name? [long pause] Eduardo Caroccio. Eduardo... Caroccio. That's good. That's very good. Kind of just rolls off the tongue.

Elaine · Kramer:Eduardo...Caroccio. — Eduardo...Caroccio. — That's good. That's very good. Kind of just rolls off the tongue.

Kramer · Jerry:Where on the Upper West Side might a single girl meet a matador? Perhaps, Zabar's. No. Or Ray's Pizza.

Jerry:This person told me to tell you to get an estimate on the damage.

Becky Gelke · Jerry:I already got an estimate. It's $875. / $875? / That's right. / Well, I'll tell you what. I'll give you a check, and then this person can pay me back.

Jerry · Becky Gelke:So, what are you doing this weekend? / You have got some nerve. You smash up my car, you don't admit it, and now you want to ask me out?

Becky · Jerry:You have got some nerve. You smash up my car, you don't admit it, and now you want to ask me out? — I didn't do it! — Yeah, right.

Jerry · Becky Gelke:You are so good-looking. / Thank you.

Becky:Thank you.

Newman (or neighbor) · Jerry:How could you? I never thought you were capable. / What did I do? / I talked to Becky Gelke outside. She told me you hit and ran. I don't even want to look at you anymore! All these years of friendship, and you're nothing but a felon!

Newman · Jerry:You're not gonna lie to me, are you? — No. Never. — All right. I'm glad we got that straightened out because I got a date with her.

Jerry · Neighbor:I didn't do it. I just had to pay her to cover for somebody else. / You're not gonna lie to me, are you? / No. Never. / All right. I'm glad we got that straightened out, because I got a date with her.

George · Jerry:If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't have had an excuse to talk to her. / Well, I'm happy to help in any way that I can.

Jerry:A man is paralyzed, mentally, by a beautiful woman. Advertisers really take advantage of this. Don't you love ads where you see the woman in the bikini next to the 32-piece ratchet set?

Jerry:'All right, if she's next to the ratchet set... and I had that ratchet set... I wonder if that would mean that....' 'I better just buy that ratchet set.'