Cosmo Kramer

Jerry · Kramer:How did you get in here? — I walked in. Your lobby door is broken again.

Kramer · George:Hey. What's going on? — I just bought Jerry's couch for $50.

Kramer · Jerry:You know the Englishman who lives down the hall? I think he's avoiding me. — Hard to imagine.

Kramer · Jerry:I tested him, like, this is what I said, like this. I went: 'Oh, by the way, I know about the stuff.' Very casual so he'll take me into his confidence. — So, what did he say? — 'What stuff?'

Jerry · Kramer:Case closed. — No, no. You don't understand. See, he swallowed. See, the guy, he swallowed.

Kramer · Jerry:I'm gonna go over there. I'm gonna borrow some tea. If I don't get back in five minutes, you better call the police. — Okay. Starting now!

Kramer · George:Kramer bursts in mid-conspiracy theory: 'They got a cure for cancer. See, it's all big business.' Then instantly pivots: 'Oh hey, Jerry just walked in.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry is handed the phone by Kramer unexpectedly and has to improvise a conversation with Joel Horneck he didn't want to have.

Kramer:Kramer answers Jerry's phone mid-scene: 'KRAMERICA INDUSTRIES.'

Kramer:Kramer pitches his business idea on Jerry's phone: 'A pizza place where you make your own pie. I'm talking about a whole chain of them.'

Kramer:Kramer bursts in: 'I'm telling you, this pizza idea is really going to happen.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry: 'You can't have people shoving their arms into a 600-degree oven!' Kramer: 'It's all supervised.'

Kramer:Kramer: 'One day, you'll BEG me to make your own pie.'

Kramer:Kramer returns from the Knick game: 'Hi, Elaine. You missed a great game tonight.' / 'Horneck took me. Two rows behind the bench. We were getting hit by sweat.'

Kramer · Elaine:Kramer: 'He's really into my pizza place idea.' Elaine: 'That sounds like a great idea. It would be fun.'

Kramer:Kramer screams 'YEAH!' when Elaine endorses the pizza idea — his triumph over Jerry's skepticism.

Kramer:I can't believe you put your money in that Centrax. You could have invested in my roll-out tie dispenser.

Kramer:Okay. You're in a restaurant. You got a very big meeting coming up. 'Oh, man!' You got mustard on your tie. You just... tear it off and... you got a new one right here. Then, you're gone.

Kramer · Jerry:Can I use your place? I got a bunch of friends coming over this weekend. What friends? Just people I met at a rock concert. You mind if they use your bed?

Kramer:Because they're good people, Jerry. You know, they're anarchists. They're... They're huge.

Kramer · Jerry:Taste this. — No, I just had a sandwich. — No, taste it. — I don't want cantaloupe now. — You never had it like this before.

Jerry · Kramer:It's very good. It's good. — It's good, huh? I got it at Joe's, 49 cents a pound. That's practically half than what you pay at the supermarket. I don't know why you don't go to Joe's. — It's too far. — It's three blocks further.

Kramer · Jerry:You could use my shopping cart. — I'm not pulling a shopping cart. Am I supposed to wear a kerchief, put stockings on rolled below my knee?

Kramer · Jerry:The other thing is, if you don't like anything, he takes it back. — I don't return fruit. Fruit's a gamble. I know that going in.

Kramer · George · Jerry:George, I want you to taste this cantaloupe. — No, thank you. — It's the best cantaloupe I've had. — No, really. — I'll get you a piece. — Jerry, tell him how good it is. — Very good cantaloupe.

Kramer:Hips. See, it's all in the hips. Gotta come through with the hips first. [Kramer practicing something physical with a cantaloupe]

Jerry · Kramer:That is out there. — Definitely. — Joe's? — No. Supermarket. — Well, is it good? — It's... It's okay. — Let me taste that. [pause] See? That stinks.

Kramer · Jerry:You can't eat that. Take that back. — I'm not taking it back. — I'll take it back. — I don't care about it. — You should care. Cantaloupe like this should be out of circulation.

Jerry · Kramer:I took her home one night. We started up a little in the car. — I thought you were getting rid of her. — I was. But she's got me, like, hypnotized or something. — Does George know? — No. He'd go nuts.

Jerry · Kramer:She's got this psychosexual hold over me. I just want her. I can't breathe. It's like a drug. — Psychosexual.

Jerry · Kramer:Man, I don't understand people. Why would George want to deprive you of pleasure? Is it just me? — It's partially you, yeah. — You're his friend. Better that she should sleep with someone else? Some jerk that he doesn't even know? — He can't kill me, right? — You're a human being.

Kramer:What is this about? I'm completely changing the configuration of the apartment. You're not gonna believe it when you see it. Whole new lifestyle.

Kramer:Levels. I'm getting rid of all my furniture, all of it, and I'm gonna build these different levels. You know, with steps. And it'll all be carpeted. With a lot of pillows. You know, like ancient Egypt.

Jerry · Kramer:You drew up plans for this? / No. No, it's all in my head.

Kramer · Jerry:Well, you don't think I can, huh? / No, it's not that I don't think you can. I know that you can't, and I'm positive that you won't.

Kramer:Well, I got the tools. I got the pillows. All I need is the lumber.

Jerry · Kramer:The entire bet argument: 'There's no dinner. The bet's off...That's the bet, that you're not doing it...We didn't bet on if you wanted to do it, we bet on if it would be done. And it could be done...Anything could be done, but it only is done if it's done.'

Kramer:I can't stand doing laundry, that's why I have 40 pairs of underwear... My goal is to have over 360 pair. That way, I only have to do wash once a year.

Kramer:You ever notice how cars here in New York never get out of the way of ambulances? Someone's in a life-and-death situation and we're thinking: 'Sorry, buddy. Should've thought of that when you were eating cheese omelets for breakfast every morning for the last 30 years.'

Kramer · Jerry:— So you gonna use it? — I don't think so. — Well, it's funny. — It's funny. — I like to do my own material. — That's as good as anything you do.

Kramer:Kramer enters and immediately says 'Cotton Dockers!'

Kramer:'One hundred percent cotton Dockers. If they're not Dockers, they're just pants.'

Kramer:Mousse. I moussed up.

Kramer:I feel like I've had two lives. My pre-mousse, and now I begin my post-mousse.

Kramer · George:Tell me the truth, have you ever seen a better-looking guy? / Looks is so subjective.

Harold · Manny · Kramer:Manny, look. Kramer put mousse in his hair. / [long pause / reaction beat — Manny's non-response]

Kramer · George:I don't know why you're fooling around with this ring. I've been telling you, get yourself some plugs, or a piece. / I'm not doing that.

Kramer · George:What do you want to walk around like that for? / No, I'll put a half a can of mousse in my head like you.

Kramer · Jerry · Elaine:Kramer barges in and immediately pressures Jerry to loan Elaine the $5,000, turning a private conversation public and forcing Jerry's hand.

Kramer · Jerry · Elaine:Jerry, you don't have $5000 you can lend her? / Yeah, well, I didn't... I mean... / Is that something you want to borrow?

Jerry · Kramer · George:You know, money can sometimes come between friends. / Get out of here. / Well, let me think about it.

Jerry · Kramer:I, on the other hand, am a human being. I sometimes feel awkward, uncomfortable, even inhibited in certain situations with the other human beings. / You wouldn't understand. / Yeah. Because I'm a pod.

Kramer · Jerry · George:I just found a guy who's willing to pay $10,000 for the apartment. / You what? Get out! / Ten thousand? / Cash! / Who would pay that much? / He's in the music business.

Jerry · Kramer:This is beautiful. I think I'm in the clear here. Elaine's not moving in. I don't have to confront her. She has no idea I never wanted her to move in. I'm golden. / Well, occasionally, I like to help the humans.

Kramer:Kramer: 'Well, occasionally, I like to help the humans.'

Kramer:Too bad. If I was up there, you'd never hear a peep out of me. I'm as quiet as a mouse.

Kramer:I love the one they do right after this one.

Jerry · Kramer · George:The inka-dink standoff: 'Come on, I saw it first.' / 'Kramer, I have to have the statue.' / 'I got dibs.' / 'No dibs.' / 'Spread out. You numbskulls. Why don't you just settle it like mature adults?'

Jerry · Kramer · George:Three adults solemnly performing the full inka-dink rhyme to determine statue ownership

Jerry · Kramer · George:The dispute over whether 'it' wins or loses in inka-dink: 'He's it. He wins. / It is good.'

Kramer:'I'm gonna take the suit...and shoes...and the hat.' / 'Hey, I look like Joe Friday in Dragnet.'

Kramer · Jerry:'All right, let's go. Hey... You know, you owe me one. / What? / The inka-dink. You were it. / It's bad? / It's very bad.'

Kramer · Jerry:Jerry's phone call to Kramer: 'Ma, I told you...just dip the bread in the batter...and put it in the pan. Okay, bye. My mother. She forgot how to make French toast.'

Kramer · Jerry:'Perhaps we can take comfort in the knowledge that in the next world, Ray will be the recipient of a much larger and more harsh brand of justice. / Yeah, he'll have my parents.'

Kramer · Ray:Kramer enters Ray's apartment dressed as a cop: 'Police. Open up!' / 'Freeze, mama!' / 'Shut up! Spread them. I said, spread them! You're in big trouble, son. Burglary, grand larceny...possession of stolen goods. / And murder! / Murder?' / 'Shut up! Keep them spread. You just make love to that wall, pervert.'

Ray · Kramer:'Hey. Hey, are you a cop? / Yeah, I'm a cop. I'm a good cop. I'm a damn good cop!'

Kramer:'And today's your lucky day, junior. Because I'm gonna let you off with just a warning.'

Kramer:'All right, all right. What's the big hubbub, bub?'

Jerry · George · Kramer:'Kramer, I can't believe it. Oh, you're my hero! / Yeah. / Kramer, what did you do? / Well, let's put it this way: I didn't take him to People's Court.'

Kramer:'Well, let's put it this way: I didn't take him to People's Court.'

Jerry · Kramer:'Kramer, I don't know how to thank you.' / 'Well, I'll think of something.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry learns Newman jumped. 'Did he call you last night?' 'Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.' 'What did you say?' 'I said, "Wave to me when you pass my window."'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer: 'Did he wave?' — beat — 'No.'

Jerry · Kramer:Newman jumped from the second floor and is lying there faking. Jerry: 'See, he's trying to get back at me.'

Kramer:Kramer: 'You are like the James Bond of laundry.'

Kramer · Glenda:Kramer interrupts to ask the man for his seat, revealing Kramer is at the party too and is casually threatening people to give up chairs.

Glenda · Kramer:Glenda: 'What are you doing here anyway? I thought you were fired.' Kramer: 'Okay, okay. Fine.'

Kramer:Kramer's bizarre laundry stalling tactic: asking the man about 'the gentle cycle' and whether it's 'effeminate for a man to put clothes in a gentle cycle.'

Kramer:Kramer continues: 'What about fine fabrics? How do you deal with that kind of temperament?' and 'What about stonewashing? That must be something. What, do they just pummel the jeans with rocks?'

Kramer:Kramer: 'I didn't realize it was a full box.' — The concrete has been poured.

Kramer · Glenda:Kramer threatens Glenda: 'I'm gonna count to three. If you don't give up the chair... the wig is coming off.' Glenda: 'I don't wear a wig.' Kramer: 'One...'

Kramer · Newman:Kramer on the phone: the concrete machine damage was 1,200 dollars. Then: 'That's Newman. I'm on the roof!' — Newman's voice from outside.

Kramer:I still have my tonsils. Everyone in my family has theirs. In fact, we were forbidden to socialize with anybody who didn't have their tonsils.

Kramer:Boy, they got a great cafeteria downstairs. Hot food, sandwiches, a salad bar. It's like Sizzler opened up a hospital.

Kramer:So how did you have a heart attack? You're a young man. What were you doing? They gonna do a zipper job? Oh, they love to do zipper jobs.

Kramer:You know, the really bad thing about the heart is the sex thing. See, you gotta be careful about sex now. You get that heart pumping... suddenly, boom! Next thing you know, you got a hose coming out of your chest attached to a piece of luggage.

Kramer:My friend Bob Sacamano came in here for a hernia operation. Oh, yeah, 'routine surgery.' Now he's sitting in a chair by a window going: 'My name is Bob!'

Kramer · George:He's holistic. / Holistic? That sounds right.

Jerry · Kramer · George:How much does the healer charge? / First visit? 38 bucks. / Oh, yeah. Holistic. That's what I need. That's the answer.

Kramer · Jerry:You like the way I talked you into coming? / Don't flatter yourself, my friend. I'm here strictly for material.

Tor Ackman · Kramer:It contains cramp bark. / I love cramp bark. / Cleavers. / Cleaver? I once had cleaver as a kid. I was able to lift a car. / And some couch grass. / Couch grass and cramp bark? I think that's what killed Curly.

Kramer:Hey, how'd you get the plastic one?

Kramer:So how much is this thing gonna cost you, like 5000, 6000?

Elaine · Kramer:Kramer! The bench! You got me the bench that I wanted!

Kramer · George · Jerry:That's pretty good, huh? / You remember when she mentioned it? I made a mental note of it. Well, goody for you. Yeah. See, I'm very sensitive about that.

Jerry · Kramer · George:182 bucks. / Cash? / You've gotta be kidding. What kind of gift is that? That's like something her uncle would give her.

Kramer · Elaine:'Think where man's glory most begins and ends, and say my glory was I had such a friend.' / Yeats. / Oh, Kramer.

Kramer:'Oh, the relationship.' — Kramer's line as he reads the room and exits.

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry and Kramer fight over the statue like children — 'Come on, I saw it first.' / 'I got dibs.' / 'No dibs!'

George · Kramer · Jerry:George suggests settling the dispute 'like mature adults' — then immediately proposes 'Potato man.' / 'No, no. No potato man. Inka-dink.'

George · Jerry · Kramer:Three grown men solemnly chanting the full 'Inka-dink, a bottle of ink / The cork fell out, and you stink / Not because you're dirty / Not because you're clean / Just because you kissed a girl / Behind the magazine'

George · Kramer · Jerry:Dispute over who is 'it' in Inka-dink — 'He's it. He wins.' / 'It is good.' — followed by 'Do over. Start with him.'

Kramer:'Okay. I'm gonna take the suit...and shoes...and the hat.' / 'Hey, I look like Joe Friday in Dragnet.'

Kramer · Jerry:'Perhaps we can take comfort in the knowledge that in the next world, Ray will be the recipient of a much larger and more harsh brand of justice.' / 'Yeah, he'll have my parents.'

Kramer:Police raid — 'Freeze, mama!' / 'Shut up! Spread them. I said, spread them! You're in big trouble, son. Burglary, grand larceny, possession of stolen goods.' / 'And murder!' / 'Murder?' / 'Shut up! Keep them spread. You just make love to that wall, pervert.'

Kramer:'All right, all right. What's the big hubbub, bub?'

George · Elaine · Jerry · Kramer:'Kramer, I can't believe it.' / 'Oh, you're my hero!' / 'Kramer, what did you do?' / 'Well, let's put it this way: I didn't take him to People's Court.'

Kramer:Oh, yeah, plugola.

Kramer · Jerry:Let it warm up for a minute. Yeah, that's a tough minute. It's like waiting in the shower for the conditioner to work.

Kramer:I don't know if you people are aware of this, but I am one clever chickadee.

Kramer:Now, I did my job. May I have the car keys, please?

Jerry · Kramer:How did you get all this? Does the word charm mean anything to you? No.

Kramer:Take the K-man, a little support.

Kramer · George:What am I going to say? I don't know. Well, I'm not an idiot. Certainly not. Then we're cool. Y-- Yeah. Yeah, w-w-we're cool.

George · Kramer:He's a hell of a guy. This is, uh... a guy I know. Kramer— Habla espanol? Oh, my God. Si. Como se dice... waterbed?

Kramer · Antonio:You got anything to drink? Agua.

Kramer:You know, the cats, they run away all the time. You know, my aunt, she had a cat, ran away, showed up three years later... Unless, of course, somebody else starts feeding her. See, that's what you got to worry about.

George · Kramer · Jerry:It'll be on your conscience. / Oh? How do you figure? / Because you're the one that left the door open. / Why was I in charge of closing the door? / Because you came in after him. / So? / So the last person in should close the door.

George · Kramer:Anywhere in the city? / Anywhere in the city, I'll tell you the best public toilets. 54th and 6th. Sperry Rand Building, 14th floor, Morgan Apparel. Mention my name, she'll give you the key.

George · Kramer:All right. 65th and 10th. / Are you kidding? Lincoln Center, Alice Tully Hall, the Met. Magnificent facilities. Come on.

Jerry · Elaine · Kramer · George:There, there. There, there. [pause] Hey, the busboy's coming! The busboy's coming? You don't mean here? Yeah. I just buzzed him in. He's on his way up. He's coming up? Check you out later.

Jerry · Elaine · George · Kramer:He'll get another job. He's a busboy. It won't be for a while. At least not till after the cast comes off. It was that fall down the stairs, that's what did it. / That's not how it happened. / It's when he fell on him with his knee. / Ugh. That was awful. Poor Antonio.

Kramer:If I don't feed Paquita by 7:00, she goes all over everything.

Jerry · Kramer · George:Jerry: 'So she's giving me the massage and I'm just making conversation.' / Kramer: 'I don't like to talk during a massage.' / Jerry: 'Neither do I, but I do it for them. I figure they're bored.' / George: 'Yeah, I do that too. I feel guilty about getting the pleasure. I feel like I don't deserve it, so I talk. It stops me from enjoying it.'

Kramer · George · Jerry:Kramer interrupts Jerry's story to complain: 'There's nothing to eat in here.' Jerry: 'I forgot to tell you.' George: 'I'm in the middle of a story.' Kramer: 'Okay, go ahead.' George: 'Why don't you ever go shopping?' Kramer: 'It's not like it's a really funny story.'

George · Jerry · Kramer:George recounts launching into the Pennsylvania abduction story mid-massage: 'And then for some reason, I launch into the story about the kid from Pennsylvania who was abducted.' / Jerry: 'Oh, wasn't that terrible?' / Kramer interjecting: 'Not even an apple.'

Kramer:Kramer: 'I hate ginger. I can't understand how anyone can eat ginger.'

Jerry · George · Kramer:The revelation that physical therapy is covered by insurance if you get a doctor's note — everyone's eyes light up.

Kramer:Kramer bursts in: 'Hey. I just saw Joe DiMaggio in Dinky Doughnuts. You know, I looked in there and there he was having coffee and a doughnut.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry: 'No. I'm sorry. If Joe DiMaggio wants a doughnut, he goes to a fancy restaurant. He's not sitting in Dinky Doughnuts.' / Kramer: 'Well, maybe he likes Dinky Doughnuts.' / Jerry: 'I can't see Joe DiMaggio sitting at the counter at little, tiny, filthy, smelly Dinky Doughnuts.' / Kramer: 'Why can't he have a doughnut like everybody else?' / Jerry: 'He can have a doughnut, but not a Dinky.'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer complains about seating: 'What's with you?' / Kramer: 'You were too close to me. I was all scrunched in there.' / Jerry: 'Hey, you scrunched me.' / Kramer: 'I sat down here first.'

Kramer:Kramer returns with a second DiMaggio sighting: 'I saw DiMaggio in the doughnut shop again.' / 'I studied his every move. For example, he dunks.'

Kramer:Kramer recounts banging on the table and making yelping noises to get DiMaggio's attention: 'I start banging on the table so that he'll look up. Like I'm sitting there, and I— [implied banging/noise performance] He wouldn't move... then I started doing these yelping noises...'

Kramer:Kramer: 'See, that's how he played baseball. He dunks like he hits.'

Jerry · Kramer · George:George: 'Hey, George. What is this? What is that? No, really. What is that?' — Jerry/Kramer examining George's injury

Kramer:Kramer: 'Hey, it's the K-Man.' — walking in, referring to himself in the third person

Kramer:Kramer: 'Just came from Roy's. I threw up from the gas.'

Jerry · George · Kramer:The third DiMaggio sighting — this time all three see him: 'Oh, my God. It's... Joe DiMaggio. Having a cup of coffee.' / 'And he's dunking.' / 'Look at him. The Yankee Clipper.'

Kramer · Jerry · George:Oh, my God. It's... / What? / Joe DiMaggio. Having a cup of coffee. / And he's dunking. / Yeah. / Look at him. / The Yankee Clipper.

Kramer · Jerry · George:Here. [Kramer pushes George toward DiMaggio] / Oh, please. / Wait. Hold on a minute. Wait. [long pause] / See? I told you.

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry complains about Kramer leaving hardened tomato sauce in the pasta strainer: 'All the little squares have hardened red sauce in them.'

Kramer:'Yeah, Tina likes the couch.'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer has found a windshield on the road and is carrying it into Jerry's apartment

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer plans to make a coffee table out of the windshield. Jerry: 'Well, wouldn't it be invisible?'

Kramer:Kramer's pause and 'Well...' when confronted with the invisible coffee table problem

Kramer · Elaine · Jerry:Kramer walks in on Elaine naked — the reveal scene

Kramer · Elaine · Jerry:Triple echo: 'I saw her naked.' / 'He saw me naked.' / 'Kramer saw me naked.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry offers to let Kramer see him naked as compensation: 'All right, if it's gonna make you feel any better, you can see me naked.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry's invisible coffee table callback: 'I'm gonna kill myself on that thing. You can't even see it.' / 'You'll sense it.'

Kramer:'My friend Bob Sacamano had shock treatments. But his synapses were so large, had no effect.'

George · Kramer:George: 'I've never spoken to a mental patient before.' / Kramer: 'My cousin Douglas was in a place like this...came over for dinner, there was no soda...and he went berserk. He was screaming, "Where's the Pepsi? Where's the Pepsi?"'

Jerry · Kramer:Kramer is apparently barely dressed or wearing something inappropriate at the mental institution. 'Kramer! Kramer, could you please...put something on?'

Kramer:Kramer immediately pivots to offering leftovers: 'Listen, you want some leftovers? I made some African food. There's yambalas and sambusa.'

Tina · Kramer:Tina appears from what is implied to be an on-site bedroom. 'Are you coming back to bed?' — Kramer has been sleeping with someone at the mental institution.

Kramer · Elaine:The invisible windshield callback at Jerry's apartment. 'What did you think of the coffee table?' / 'It's invisible.'

Kramer · Elaine · Patrice:The 'truth' callback: 'Come on, Elaine...just tell us the truth.' / 'The truth? You want the truth? Who are you?'

Patrice · Kramer:Patrice's tearful 'Oh, Kramer.' — reacting to something Kramer has done or said (implied visual)

Jerry · Kramer · George:The cab negotiation — Kramer insisting on getting in when he's going nowhere near where they're going

Kramer · Jerry · Elaine · George:Everyone fights to share the cab to 48th Street: 'We'll share a cab.' / 'You going by 48th. You can give me a ride.' / 'I'm getting in on that.' / 'You know you're chipping in!'

George · Kramer:George at the library, pointing at a patron reading a newspaper on a stick: 'Look. Trying to save a quarter.' Then Kramer: 'I kind of like those sticks. I'd like to get them in my house.'

Kramer:Maybe she got hurt a long time ago. She's a schoolgirl...there was a boy. It didn't work out. So now she needs a little tenderness. She needs a little understanding. Needs a little Kramer, huh?

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer's romantic construction about the librarian ('She needs a little Kramer, huh?') followed immediately by Jerry: 'Then she'll need a little shot of penicillin.'

Kramer:Kramer, alone at the library desk, asks the librarian: 'So, what's a guy gotta do around here to get a library card?'

Kramer:Kramer is shown unable to leave, trapped in a scene he walked into at Jerry's — when asked why he can't leave, he simply says 'I can't.'

Kramer · Librarian:The library after hours — Kramer and the librarian note 'You don't have to be quiet' and shout 'HELLO!' at each other for the echo.

Kramer · Marion:Well, the library's kind of a cool place when it's closed. Oh, yeah. You don't have to be quiet. Listen to the echo. / Hello! / Hello! / Hello! / Hello.

Elaine · Kramer:Elaine enters saying 'Lippman wants to see me in his office. See me. That can't be good.' Kramer: 'Maybe you're getting a raise.' Elaine: 'Maybe I'm getting a wedgie.'

Kramer:Kramer bursts in unable to handle Marion's poetry: 'I can't take it!' — apparently having read it offscreen

Kramer:Kramer: 'I never got a library card.' Then: 'It's all a bunch of cheapskates in there anyway. People sitting around reading the newspaper attached to those huge wooden sticks trying to save a quarter.'

Kramer:Kramer appraises the female librarian from across the room: 'This woman's completely ignoring me. Look at her. This is a lonely woman looking for companionship. A spinster. Maybe a virgin.'

Kramer:Kramer describes the homeless man on the library steps: 'Did you see the homeless guy on the library steps screaming obscenities and doing calisthenics? I think that's Mr. Heyman. The gym teacher from our high school.'

Jerry · George · Kramer:Jerry: 'George got him fired. He squealed on him.' / George: 'I didn't tattle.' / Kramer: 'He sang like a canary.'

Kramer:Kramer at the library information desk: 'So, what's a guy gotta do around here to get a library card?'

Jerry · Kramer · George:Jerry: 'Remember, he made me smell my own gym socks once?' Kramer: 'I remember he made you wear a jock on your head for a whole class.' Jerry: 'And the straps were hanging down...' George: 'Okay, okay.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry: 'You never even had him for gym.' Kramer: 'I had him for hygiene. Remember his teeth? It was like from an exhumed corpse. Little baked beans.'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer is hiding from Bookman in Jerry's apartment, panicking: 'It's Bookman, the library cop.' / Jerry: 'So? I didn't do anything wrong.' / Kramer: 'I'm supposed to be at work. I could get fired. I never should've come here.' / Jerry: 'Why don't you leave?' / [pause] / Kramer: 'I can't.'

Kramer · Marion:Kramer reading Marion's poetry in the library after hours: 'Pressed chest / Fleshed out west / Might be the saviour / Or a garden pest.' Marion: 'That is great poetry. You should be published.'

Kramer · Marion:Kramer and Marion in the closed library: 'Well, the library's kind of a cool place when it's closed.' Marion: 'Oh, yeah. You don't have to be quiet.' Then they shout 'HELLO!' and listen to the echo.

Kramer · Jerry:Jerry: 'It's George.' George: 'Are you okay?' Kramer: 'What? It's... It's Marion's poetry.' Jerry: 'I can't take it!' Kramer collapses emotionally.

Kramer:'That was a guy.' — Kramer reveals the 'attractive woman' George was fantasizing about approaching was actually a man

Jerry · Kramer · George:The group realizes nobody knows where they parked. Jerry: 'Look, I thought it was Green 22.' Kramer: 'I remember Orange.' Jerry: 'I didn't pay attention.'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer: 'It's black, right?' Jerry: 'Well, it's dark brown.' — Nobody can accurately describe their own car's color

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer triumphantly points to a car saying 'There it is' — cut to: it's a Toyota. Jerry's: 'No, no. That's a Toyota.'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer worrying: 'How long can fish live in one of these plastic bags?' Jerry: 'I don't know. Maybe two hours.'

Kramer:'You hold it in like that, you can cause a lot of damage to your bladder. That's what happens to truck drivers.'

Elaine · Kramer:Kramer sets down the air conditioner behind a car. Elaine asks: 'Worried somebody's gonna pee on it?'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer announces 'It's Purple 23. Remember that.' Jerry sarcastically: 'That I'm supposed to remember. Where the car is, that's insignificant.'

George · Kramer:Kramer: 'What would it take for his parents to get a car phone?' George: 'Hypnosis by aliens.'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer yells 'I found it!' followed by Jerry: 'No, no, no.' Then: 'All right, that's it. From now on, no more calling out I found it unless we're sitting in it.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry looks at the fish in the bag and says 'His eyes look a little cloudy.' Kramer: 'See?' Jerry: 'Oh, those are your eyes.'

Kramer:Kramer confronting a passerby who laughs at them: 'Oh, that's funny? Is that funny? Hey, tell me if you think this is funny: These fish are dying. In an hour they'll be belly-up!'

Kramer:Kramer: 'But the fish will be dead! You do know that? They can't live in plastic. That's not me talking, that's science!'

George · Elaine · Kramer:George and Elaine have a genuine philosophical conversation about dying. George: 'Yeah, it bothers me.' Elaine: 'Doesn't it bother you?' Kramer: 'Not at all.' George: 'Now, that bothers me even more than dying bothers me. Because people like you live to be 120, because you're not bothered by it.'

Elaine · Kramer:Elaine: 'That's a nice jacket. Where'd you get that?' Kramer: 'Some guy left it over at my mother's house.'

Kramer:Kramer to a passerby: 'I can see not caring what happens to us. We're human. But what about the fish? The fish?'

Kramer · George:George spots an attractive woman again; Kramer immediately says 'Hey, George, there she is again.'

Kramer · Elaine:Kramer: 'Boy, those Scientologists, they can be pretty sensitive.' Elaine: 'I'll say.'

Kramer:Kramer emerges having found the air conditioner: 'I completely forgot where I hid it. You know where it was? Purple 23.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry: 'I could have used you.' Kramer: 'Sometimes it's good to write those things down.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry: 'I could have used you.' Kramer: 'Sometimes it's good to write those things down.'

Jerry · George · Elaine · Kramer:The play starts at 8:00; it's 7:45; Kramer has an air conditioner; they're in Jersey.

Jerry · George · Elaine · Kramer:The car won't start — silent beat, then the scene ends without resolution

Kramer · Jerry:It's your house. / My house. You gotta be on the lease to press the buzzer.

Kramer · Jerry:Casus belli. / What's that? / It's Latin. I read it in some book. I just wanted to say it out loud.

Kramer · George:Since when do you wear cologne? / Why is what I do so important? Why must I always be the focal point of attention? Let me just be. Let me live.

Kramer · Jerry · Elaine:Isn't there, like, a statue of limitations on that? / Statute. / What? / Statute of limitations. It's not a statue. / No, it's statue. / Fine. It's a sculpture of limitations.

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer refusing to stop asking about the IQ test while Jerry is clearly trying to concentrate on it

Jerry · Kramer:What are you doing? / Quiet. Don't say anything. (Kramer hiding from the jacket guy in Jerry's apartment, using Jerry as cover)

Man · Kramer · Jerry:I'm not leaving till you give me that jacket! / Open up, Kramer! / What did you come in here for? / Well, I thought I'd throw him off. See, he knows where I live.

Kramer:Elaine is trapped by the jacket siege: 'I thought I'd throw him off. See, he knows where I live.' — Kramer chose Jerry's apartment to evade him.

Jerry · George · Kramer:Spector is giving everything away — he's becoming a minimalist. 'Is that the guy who likes fat women?' 'Doesn't the fat fetish conflict with the minimalism?'

George · Kramer · Elaine:Kramer bursts in and George says 'Tell her!' meaning the Chinese cure — but Kramer starts telling her about the erotic tape, not the cure.

Kramer · Elaine:Elaine tells Kramer about the tape in secret and he says: 'I had no idea you were filled with such... sexuality.'

Kramer:Story about Beder yelling at a jockey at the track — the jockey got off his horse and started chasing him.

Kramer · Jerry · Elaine:Kramer sets up a fake interview scene with Jerry and Elaine as adult film actors/director, introducing 'Elaine Does the Upper West Side.'

Kramer · George · Elaine:In Kramer's fake interview, George is cast as Elaine's co-star — 'an airline pilot who's just returned from Rome.' Then the Chinese food delivery arrives mid-scene: 'That's my Chinese food.'

Kramer · Elaine · George:Kramer (still in interview mode): 'Elaine, in your movies, is the sex real or simulated?' Elaine: 'Oh, it's always simulated... except with George. That's in my contract.'

Kramer · George:Kramer wants to videotape George's bald head for a 'before' picture. George: 'Don't get the camera. We don't need the camera.' Kramer: 'I know you're skeptical, but I believe in the Chinese.'

Kramer · George:Kramer directing George to tilt his head for the 'before' video, pointing out the problem areas: 'That's where he needs help.'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer says 'He's a happy camper, huh?' about George. Jerry: 'Happy camper. Yeah, I don't hear that expression enough.'

Kramer · George:George applies the Chinese hair cream and it stinks. Kramer: 'And it stinks. Can you smell that? You stink.'

George · Kramer:Kramer asks how long to leave the cream on. George: 'All day.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry: 'How often do you cut your toenails?' Kramer: 'I would say every two and a half to eight weeks.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry connects Kramer's toenail injury story back to 'the big toe, the captain' — callback to George's joke that got nothing.

George · Jerry · Kramer:George took off the smelly hair cream after a short time. Jerry: 'That's it? You gave up?' George: 'No, I'm working on a system.'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer enters wearing a cowboy/sheriff hat. Jerry: 'What's with the hat?'

Kramer:Kramer smells George (still wearing the hair cream). 'Boy, you stink.'

Kramer · George:Kramer examines the video of George's head and thinks he sees 'a couple of buds' growing.

George · Kramer · Jerry:George has become attracted to Elaine and reveals it to Jerry. Kramer interrupts insisting they watch the video of George's head. George: 'Kramer, I'd like to talk to George for a minute, please.' (he means Jerry) Kramer: 'Like the big toe captain? What?'

George · Elaine · Kramer:George declares his attraction to Elaine. 'I'm very attracted to you.' Kramer immediately: 'I found a hair! Yes!'

Kramer · George · Elaine:Kramer: 'Ever since I found out that you left the message on Jerry's tape recorder—' [reveals Elaine's secret to George, completing the circle of everyone knowing everything]

Elaine · Jerry · Kramer · George:The episode ends with Elaine, Jerry, and Kramer calmly telling George 'Stick around, it's early, we'll order Chinese' as he tries to leave — while holding the tape.

Jerry · George · Elaine · Kramer:George's romantic gesture is completely undermined as everyone realizes Elaine was the tape voice; Jerry is stunned; the moment collapses into everyone being awkward at once.

Kramer:The time bomb analogy for meeting a woman on an elevator: 'You got less than 60 seconds. That's like dismantling a time bomb.'

George · Jerry · Kramer:George had spinach in his teeth during a job interview all afternoon.

Kramer · Jerry · Elaine:The Jacket subplot: Kramer's mother's boyfriend left a jacket, went to prison for mail fraud, and now Kramer wants Elaine to pretend to be the convict's daughter to retrieve it.

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer uses the alias 'Peter Von Nostrand' / Jerry: 'Why don't you just commit yourself already?'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry says the jacket 'possesses some extraordinary power over women.'

Kramer:Kramer didn't wash the reggae lounge stamp off his hand all day because he's going back tonight and doesn't want to pay cover again.

Jerry · Kramer:You didn't wash all day? / Yeah, I washed. Just not the hand.

Kramer · Elaine · George:Kramer to Elaine, unprompted: 'You're as pretty as any of them. Just need a nose job.'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer's defense: 'What? What? How could you say something like that?' / 'What do you mean? I just said she needs a nose job.' — Completely baffled by the reaction.

Jerry · Kramer:Kramer! / What? What? / How could you say something like that? / What do you mean? I just said she needs a nose job.

Kramer:Kramer: 'You see what happens when you try to be nice?' — genuinely lamenting that his 'helpfulness' caused problems.

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry's hypothetical: 'What would the world be like if people said whatever they were thinking all the time? How long would a blind date last?' / 'About 13 seconds, I think.' / 'Sorry, your rear end is too big.' 'Okay, your breath stinks.'

George · Kramer:George: 'I'm going straight to hell. No two ways about it.' / Kramer: 'It might not be hell, but you're gonna run into bad dudes.'

Kramer:Kramer explains how he found the house: the directions blew out his convertible window, so he drove around knocking on every door with the address numbers rearranged — '8317, 7813, 3718, 1837... Finally, I hit it. 8173.'

Jerry · Kramer:Kramer couldn't get the convertible top up: 'But it's cold out.' / 'Wait till we get on the Expressway.'

Kramer · Steve:Kramer, having arrived at Jerry's apartment, raids it looking for a drink, then says: 'Jerry, he doesn't have anything. But I might have something.'

Kramer:Kramer's story about doves turning brown: 'So I'm chasing these doves down the street and she's screaming at the top of her lungs and then when the magician comes back from Europe, two of them turn brown! Well, I followed the instructions!'

Kramer · Steve:Kramer and Steve's synchronized 'Brown!' repeat — both saying it with equal conviction.

Kramer · Steve:Kramer to Steve: 'So let me ask you something. You know any women we could call? ...Maybe we should call one of those escort services... 555-LOVE.'

Kramer · Steve:After all the chaos, Kramer asks Steve: 'So let me ask you something. You know any women we could call?'

Kramer · Steve:Kramer proposes calling an escort service. Steve: 'I saw one advertised before on the cable station. 555-LOVE.'

Patti · Jerry · Kramer:Patti the escort arrives demanding money: 'Now, I want my money, mister! And I ain't leaving till I get it.' — while Jerry walks in.

Kramer · Jerry · Patti:The escort, Patti, arrives. Jerry: 'What the hell is going on here?' Kramer: 'I don't know, but I gotta do this more often.'

Kramer:Jerry, walking into the chaos in his apartment: 'I don't know, but I gotta do this more often.' — said by Kramer.

Kramer · Jerry · George:The suggestion to call the car phone of the stolen car to talk to the thief

Kramer · Car Thief:Kramer grabs the phone and asks the car thief to mail him his gloves from the glove compartment

Kramer · George:The revelation that Sid makes $2,000–$2,500/month just moving cars three hours a day for 40–50 people at $50/month each

Sid · Kramer · Jerry:Sid explains he was distracted by the Woody Allen movie filming on the block — then George announces he's an extra in the movie

Kramer · Sid:The "this Wednesday" vs. "next Wednesday" argument with Sid

Kramer:"I'm in a transition phase right now." — Kramer, explaining to Sid why he wants to move cars

Kramer:Kramer on the phone explaining to someone how to use their car's defroster — having taken over Sid's car-moving business

Kramer:Kramer managing the parking chaos — car overheating, alarm won't go off, pressing buttons, screaming "Help me!"

Kramer:Kramer trips during his Woody Allen movie scene, the grocery bag goes flying, and Woody Allen starts laughing so hard a drink comes out of his nose

Kramer · Jerry:"I might have a new career on my hands, huh?" / "You mean 'a career.'"

George · Kramer:"Was Mia Farrow there?" / "I didn't see him."

Kramer · Jerry · George:Kramer's setup for his Woody Allen line, over-explaining the scene: "It's Woody Allen. Did I mention that?" / "We got it. We got it."

Kramer:"Boy, these pretzels are making me thirsty." — Kramer reveals his one line

Jerry · George · Kramer:Jerry, George, and Kramer each trying different deliveries of "These pretzels are making me thirsty" — Kramer doing it angry, George doing it despondent, Jerry doing it intensely

Kramer:Kramer screaming "THESE PRETZELS ARE MAKING ME THIRSTY!" out the window during the parking chaos

Jerry · Elaine · Kramer · George:The first aid chaos: arguing about raising feet vs. raising the head, cold compress vs. paper towel vs. big sponge

Jerry · Kramer · Elaine:"That's for a drug overdose." / "Maybe that's what he's got." / "He didn't leave the table." / "Well, he could've dropped acid when you weren't looking."

Kramer:"Maybe he's diabetic. He might just need a cookie or something." ... "Move his teeth. Worked for my uncle."

Kramer · Jerry:"I've got him chewing, but I don't think he's gonna swallow." / "Let's put a few cookies in a blender." / "Cookies don't liquefy." / "They do. You can liquefy a cookie."

Kramer:Kramer crashed the car because he was distracted by seeing Woody Allen — just like Sid was

Kramer · Film PA:"Woody mentioned me? What did he say?" / "He said, 'Who's the moron who's got the street all screwed up?'"

Kramer:"I don't want to get into a big dispute about the pants."

Kramer · Jerry:"Let me get that." / "I got it." / "Please." / "Let me. I smashed your car. It cost you over $2000." / "Yeah, a cup of coffee should cover it."

Kramer:Kramer's firing: he slammed the beer glass down during the pretzel line, it shattered, a piece hit Woody Allen, and Woody Allen started crying — "I'm bleeding!"

Kramer:"Boy, I really nailed that scene."

Jerry · George · Elaine · Kramer:The physical comedy of hiding under the desk: 'Move over.' / 'Get off of me.' / 'I have no room.' / 'My foot's sticking out.' / 'Shut up. He's coming.'

Jerry · Kramer:The absurdly complicated subway directions to Coney Island — B or F, switch for the N at Broadway and Lafayette, or go over the bridge to DeKalb, catch the Q to Atlantic, switch to IRT 2,3,4 or 5... but don't get on the G

Jerry · George · Elaine · Kramer:Jerry complains about always paying for breakfast: 'What am I, made of money? You bunch of deadbeats.'

Kramer:Kramer's stack of traffic tickets: speeding, running a red light, no licence, no registration, no plates, no brake lights, no rear-view mirror — and 'No doors'

Kramer · George:Kramer's stolen car was not only found — it was simonized and the front end was aligned

George · Kramer:'Who are you, Satan? I'm close to a job here.' — George refusing the Coney Island invitation

Kramer:Kramer calling George 'Biff' as he walks away after declining

Elaine · Kramer:Elaine: 'I can't. I'm the best man.' — responding to Kramer's merry-go-round invitation

Kramer:Kramer: 'I gotta go to court. I'll get in trouble. What's the matter with you?' — responding to being invited to bumper cars while facing serious legal issues

Conductor (V.O.) · Jerry · George · Elaine · Kramer:The conductor announcing an overwhelming list of train connections at 42nd Street, followed by silence and 'Well...' / 'See you.'

Kramer · Man on Subway:The horse racing tip: the UPS guy's tip about Pappernick — 'His father was a mudder. His mother was a mudder.' / 'His mother was a mudder?' / 'What did I say?'

Kramer · Man on Subway:Kramer repeats the mudder exchange verbatim on the phone with his bookie: 'His father was a mudder. His mother was a mudder.' / '...His mother was a mudder?' / 'What did I just say?'

Man on Subway · Kramer:'If they win it this year, I'll sit naked with you at the World Series.' / 'It's a deal.'

Kramer · Man on Subway:Kramer and the man's escalating celebration as Pappernick wins: 'Yes! Yes! Yes! I won. Hey!'

Kramer:Kramer never picked up his car because 'we had such a good time' — the car pound was closed by the time they finished at Coney Island

Kramer:'You wouldn't believe what this guy put away at Nathan's.' — Kramer reporting on the naked man from Jerry's subway car (implied to now be at Coney Island with them)

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer showing everyone the stuffed animal he won at Coney Island — Jerry: 'Get that out of my face.'

Kramer:Kramer: 'So you missed the wedding. You'll catch the bris.'

Kramer:Kramer bursts in and immediately says 'Hey, smell my arm.'

Kramer · George:George's puzzlement about flea markets: 'You think they have fleas there, don't you?' / 'You've never been, and you think they have fleas there.' / George admits: 'All right, I think they have fleas there.'

Kramer:In the middle of serious conversation about a drug intervention, Kramer interjects: 'These things are really hard to load.' — referring to the PEZ dispenser

Kramer:Kramer's immediate, casual admission: 'Oh, sure. The guy I told to pour the Gatorade that killed Marty Benson?'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer's confusion about whether the intervention is like a poker game: 'Can I get in on that? What do you think, it's like a poker game?'

Kramer:Kramer's buzzer response: after being buzzed in by George, he immediately says 'Stop smelling your arm!'

Kramer · George:Kramer pitches a cologne called 'The Beach': 'You spray it on, and it's just like you came home from the beach.' / George: 'I can't believe I'm saying this, but that's not a bad idea.'

Kramer:Kramer offers Steve D'Giff from Calvin Klein a smell of his arm to pitch the beach cologne: 'Go ahead. Smell. Smell it.' / Steve smells it.

Kramer:Kramer's response to the demolition: 'So you don't think it's a good idea?' — asked with complete sincerity after a multi-sentence takedown

Steve D'Giff · Kramer:Steve D'Giff has a nosebleed and must stick a tissue up his nose during the pitch: 'The membranes get dry and it just starts bleeding. Since I was a kid, so I have to stick a tissue up there.' / 'You have to work like that?' / 'Yeah. Nobody minds. Nobody's ever said anything to me.'

Steve D'Giff · Kramer:Steve demands ice for his drink despite them being in the middle of a nosebleed crisis: 'There any ice cubes?' / 'Whatever's in the freezer.' / 'I looked. I don't see any ice cubes.' / 'Well, then I guess there's no ice cubes.' / 'I can't drink this. It's warm.'

John Mollica · Roberta · Kramer:Pre-intervention chaos: alphabetical order argument / 'Albano's your last name.' / 'Not anymore. I'm divorced.' / Kramer: 'Is this the interference?' / 'Intervention.' / Polar Bear Club members arrive

Kramer:Kramer explains what Polar Bears do when a member stops coming: 'We used to do that when one of our Polar Bears stopped coming. We'd go to his house: "What, you don't want to be a Polar Bear anymore? It's too cold for you?"'

Kramer:Kramer's new cologne scheme: 'The male kangaroo doesn't have a pouch. Only the female has it, so the male has pouch envy! "Why should she have this huge pouch and I have nothing? I have things to carry too. At least give me a pocket."'

Kramer · George · Jerry:Kramer refuses to take out George's garbage without payment: 'Give me 2 bucks. I'll do it for 2 bucks.' / Jerry offers 50 cents / 'There's no way I'd touch that bag for less than $2.'

Kramer:'You're not getting no Drake's Coffee Cake for 50 cents.'

Kramer · Elaine · George:Elaine suggests visiting a psychic; Kramer dismisses with: 'Psychics, vacations. How about getting a job?'

Kramer:Kramer, just after delivering an 'get a job' lecture, casually drops: 'I just got fired.'

Kramer:Kramer on coma etiquette: 'There is no coma etiquette. See, that's the beauty of the coma. It doesn't matter what you do around it.'

Kramer:Kramer on looting a coma victim: 'So you're saying his girl, his car, his clothes, it's all up for grabs. You can just loot the coma victim. I give them 24 hours to get out of it. They can't get out of it by 24 hours, it's a land rush.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry's callback to the land rush: 'So if the coma victim wakes up in a month, he's thrilled. He got out of the coma. He goes home, there's nothing left?' / Kramer: 'Nothing left!'

Kramer:Kramer explains his vacuum cleaner urgency: 'That's why I'm trying to get that vacuum. Because somebody's gonna grab it.'

Kramer:Kramer refuses fruit: 'Fruit makes me incontinent.'

Kramer:Kramer on prenatal smoking: 'People smoke, Elaine. My mother smoked. It didn't hurt me.'

Kramer:Kramer, visiting comatose Martin: 'I want my vacuum cleaner! Martin, I know you can hear me. Look, my mother's coming to visit me. She sees that rug, she's gonna kill me.'

Newman · Kramer:Newman to Kramer: 'He can't hear you, you idiot.' / Kramer: 'Why would I buy another one when I spent 100 bucks on this one?'

Kramer · Newman:Newman offers: 'I have a carpet sweeper you can use.' / Kramer: 'I don't want a carpet sweeper. They don't do anything.' / Newman: 'It gets my rug clean.' / Kramer: 'The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing.'

Newman · Kramer:Kramer defends the carpet sweeper: 'It gets my rug clean.' Newman: 'The carpet sweeper is the biggest scam perpetrated on the American public since One Hour Martinizing.'

Newman · Kramer:Newman swears on his mother's life not to tell Martin. The ceremony of the oath — 'You swear?' 'I swear.' 'On your mother's life?' 'On my mother's life.' — followed by Newman's rapturous 'Ooooh' as he takes a bite

Kramer · Jerry · Elaine:Kramer returns home from the hospital: 'I never assisted in a birth before. It's really quite disgusting.' Jerry: 'What did she name the kid?' Elaine: 'You wouldn't believe it.' Jerry: 'Rasputin.'

Kramer:Kramer returns from the Cayman Islands: 'They were shooting the Sports Illustrated swimsuit issue right in the hotel pool. Not only that, the hotel opened up an area on the beach for nude bathing and all of the models went down there... I am on the next blanket from Elle Macpherson. We played backgammon nude.'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer: 'Oh, you know what? The second day I was there, I stepped on a jellyfish. It kinda stung my foot.' / Jerry: 'That's probably what Rula was trying to warn you about. You gotta watch for the jellyfish.'

Kramer · Jerry · George · Elaine:Martin and Gina have moved in together after the coma. Kramer reads the housewarming invitation as George, Jerry, and Elaine all react.

Kramer · Jerry · Elaine:Kramer gets an invitation to a housewarming for Martin and Gina — they've moved in together. Jerry and Elaine react.

Kramer · Elaine:Kramer declines dinner because 'a bunch of us from the islands are getting together.' / Elaine: 'Elle Macpherson gonna be there?' / Kramer: 'I gotta call her back.'

Kramer:Kramer considers whether Elle Macpherson will be at his post-Caymans gathering: 'I gotta call her back.'

Jerry · Kramer:The escalating argument over whether Cynthia is 'too good' for George — 'I didn't say too good, did I? / You implied it. / I didn't say it.'

Kramer:Kramer: 'Look at this. He gave me a gross.' [holds up enormous bag of condoms]

Kramer · Jerry:'Take some, Jerry. Grab them.' / 'No, thanks. They look like they came out of a cereal box.'

Kramer · Elaine:'Come on, Elaine, here. Take half a bag.' / 'Half a bag? What am I, a hooker?'

Kramer:Kramer breaks up the fight between Jerry and George: 'I don't want another word from either of you... The next one of you that opens your mouth, you'll have to deal with me.'

Kramer:'I bet I know what this is about. It's about a woman, isn't it?' / 'Yeah, but—' / 'You see! This is exactly what they want to do to you. They play one against the other. You can't let them manipulate you like that.'

Kramer:'By the way, those condoms I gave you? They're defective. Don't use them.'

Jerry · Kramer:'What? / Yeah.' / 'Defective?' / 'Yeah.' / 'How could you give me a defective condom?' / 'I didn't even know they were defective.' / 'Didn't think you'd use them.'

Kramer · Cynthia:'Don't worry. If anything was wrong, she'd have called you.' [immediately cut to Cynthia saying:] 'I missed my period.'

Kramer:Kramer to fighting Jerry and Elaine: 'Now, don't you two see that you're in love with each other? I mean, why can't you face that already? You're running around looking for something not even there, when everything you dream of is right here in front of you.'

Kramer:Kramer breaks up the Jerry-Elaine fight: 'Now, don't you two see that you're in love with each other? I mean, why can't you face that already?'

Kramer:Kramer immediately following his heartfelt speech: 'By the way, when you see George, give him these. These'll work.' [hands over new condoms]

Jerry · Kramer · George:Kramer confirms Jerry is a chucker: 'Oh, you're a chucker.' / Jerry: 'My God, I'm a chucker.'

Jerry · George · Kramer:The locker room 'sneak a peek' exchange: 'Did you sneak a peek?' / 'Yeah, I snuck a peek.' / 'Why?' / 'Why not?'

Kramer:Kramer: 'I made a conscious effort not to look. There's certain information I just don't want to have.'

Jerry · Kramer:Kramer relays a message from Michael and Carol asking when they'll come see the baby: 'See the baby. Again with the baby.'

Jerry · George · Kramer:Jerry: 'Can't they just send us a tape?' / 'Maybe if you wait a few months, it won't be a baby anymore.'

Jerry · Elaine · Kramer:Can't they just send us a tape? / Maybe if you wait a few months, it won't be a baby anymore. Then you won't have to see it. / Because he'll be all grown-up.

Jerry · Kramer:Kramer evaluates Jerry's shirt for the Keith hangout: 'It's too busy. You're trying too hard to make an impression. You're not being yourself.' / Kramer: 'What guy?'

Kramer:Kramer's road-rage monologue: 'Do me a favor, get out of this lane. This lane stinks... bad mistake, my mistake, go back, your lane was better...'

Kramer · Newman:Kramer arrives and says 'Hello, Newman' in a cold, flat tone

Newman · Kramer:Newman: 'I hate Keith Hernandez.' / Kramer: 'I despise him.' — then both proceed to tell the spit story with extreme gravity

Kramer · Newman · Jerry · Elaine:The JFK-spitting parody: Newman and Kramer's story of Hernandez spitting on them, told with JFK-assassination documentary gravity — 'June 14th, 1987, Mets-Phillies...'

Newman · Kramer:Newman: 'And I screamed out, I'm hit!' / Kramer: 'Then I turned, and the spit ricocheted off him, and it hit me.'

Jerry · Kramer:'What happened to your head when you got hit?' / 'Back and to the left.' / 'Back and to the left.' / 'Back and to the left.'

Jerry · Kramer:What happened to your head when you got hit? / Well, my head... went back, to the left. / Say that again. / Back and to the left. / Back and to the left.

Newman · Jerry · Kramer:Newman: 'I'm leaving.' / Jerry: 'Jerry's a nut.' / 'The sad thing is, we may never know the real truth.'

Jerry · Elaine · Kramer:Yeah? / It's Keith. / All right, we're coming down. / Keith Hernandez? / Yeah. Come on, Elaine, let's go. / Where are you going? / They're giving me a ride downtown.

Kramer:Kramer answers the phone as Vandalay Industries and completely botches it: 'Yello. What delay industries? No, you're way way way off!'

Kramer:Kramer: 'Don't you have any pride or self-respect? How can you prostitute yourself like this? Are you going to start driving him to the airport?'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry asks Kramer where he's going: 'I gotta meet Keith at my apartment at 3. I'm helping him move.' / Kramer: 'The guy asked you to help him move? Wow!'

Keith Hernandez · Kramer · Newman:Keith confronts Newman and Kramer; Kramer announces 'And then you spit on us!' — and Keith reveals it was actually Roger McDowell

Kramer · Newman:Kramer and Newman reveal they were 'cursing at McDowell in the bullpen all game' and Kramer 'poured a beer on his head'

Keith Hernandez · Newman · Kramer:What are you doing? / I gotta move. / You want any help? / I'd love some. You sure? / I'd love to help you. / Yeah, me too!

Jerry · Elaine · Kramer:Elaine doesn't understand a 360 dunk — Jerry demonstrates by guarding her in the limo

Kramer:Kramer's stand-up-adjacent limo observation about maroon velour furniture, 1975 single guy apartments, and 10,000 asses on the seat

Kramer:Kramer's paranoid deduction: Jerry being neat and organized proves he's the secret head of the Aryan Union

Tim · Jerry · George · Elaine · Kramer:Gunshots outside the limo — Tim: 'They're shooting! They're shooting!' — everyone ducks.

Kramer:Kramer's non-sequitur limo observation: 'I never get the tinted windows. Nobody cares who's in the limo.'

Kramer:Kramer's CIA theory: Jerry's comedy act is 'the perfect cover' for CIA infiltration of the Aryan Union

Kramer:Kramer's theory pivots: O'Brien is actually a CIA plant — 'Maybe he's with the company'

Kramer:Kramer's full conspiracy: George and Jerry know who killed Kennedy and 'were probably even in on it'

Kramer · Elaine:Kramer grabs Elaine protectively: 'I'm not gonna let them hurt you. I'm not gonna—' Elaine: 'Kramer, you're hurting me.'

Kramer · Jerry · Elaine:Tell her about the shoving... What shoving?

Kramer:What kind of a sick lowlife would do a thing like that? You know, those people, you know they're mentally disturbed. They should be sent to Australia.

Kramer · George · Jerry:That's where England used to send their convicts. But not anymore. No.

Kramer:Kramer has a visible injury on his head, unexplained at first.

Kramer:I was watching Entertainment Tonight and suddenly I got dizzy and the next thing I know, I hit my head on the coffee table.

Kramer:You know, maybe it was a reaction to the sardines.

Kramer:It's a stupid 'stuperstition.' A stupid what? Whatever.

Kramer:You wanna make a person feel better, you shouldn't say, 'God bless you.' You should say, 'You're so good-looking.'

Jerry · Kramer:The last time you hit your head, was Mary Hart on TV? That is it! Mary Hart's voice! There's something about Mary Hart's voice that's giving you seizures. Just like that woman in Albany!

Kramer:That blond across the street. The one with the long ponytail, she wears those blue sweatpants.

Kramer:Well, I gotta get going. I'm meeting a guy with gray sweatpants.

Kramer · Elaine:Pray tell, what was the young man's name? [long pause] Eduardo Caroccio. Eduardo... Caroccio. That's good. That's very good. Kind of just rolls off the tongue.

Elaine · Kramer:Eduardo...Caroccio. — Eduardo...Caroccio. — That's good. That's very good. Kind of just rolls off the tongue.

Kramer · Jerry:Where on the Upper West Side might a single girl meet a matador? Perhaps, Zabar's. No. Or Ray's Pizza.

Jerry · Kramer:Kramer is in Jerry's apartment in the middle of the night having used spare keys to get Jerry's popcorn popper — and he forgot the popper.

Jerry · Kramer:'Is that my towel?' / 'Yes.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry demands the keys back and announces Kramer has 'lost his key privileges.'

Jerry · Kramer:The rapid-fire 'I thought you went to the movie / It was sold out / How was I to know it would be sold out' exchange, leading to a physical tug-of-war over the keys.

Kramer:Oh, great! Okay, all right. Fine, you go ahead. Take the keys. But you're gonna regret this.

Kramer:'I don't care about the keys. It's my fault. I gave the keys away with my stupidity. I broke the covenant of the keys.'

Jerry · Elaine · Kramer:The three-way tug-of-war over the keys between Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer, with Kramer insisting he doesn't want them back.

Kramer:Kramer's speech about the keys keeping him in a 'fantasy world' — clinging to them 'like a branch on the banks of a raging river' — delivered with full earnestness.

Kramer · George:'I was living in twilight, George. Living in the shadows, living in the darkness...like you.'

Kramer · George:'I can barely see you, George.' — Kramer's follow-up after comparing George to darkness.

Kramer · George:The 'Do you ever yearn?' / 'I yearn. Often I sit and yearn.' / 'I crave. I crave all the time. Constant craving. But I haven't yearned.' exchange.

Kramer · George:Kramer's interrogation of George's life: 'Do you have a job? Do you have money? Do you have a woman? Do you have any prospects? You got anything on the horizon? You have any action at all?'

Kramer · George:No, no. You're wasting your life. / I am not. What you call wasting, I call living. I'm living my life.

Kramer · George:'Do you have any conceivable reason for even getting up in the morning?' / 'I like to get the Daily News.'

Kramer · George:'These pretzels are making me thirsty' — referenced as Kramer's one line in a Woody Allen movie, for which he was fired.

Kramer:'But, man, I never felt so alive.' — Kramer's reflection on getting fired from a one-line movie role.

Kramer:'Up here, I'm already gone.' — Kramer's farewell as he announces he's moving to California.

Kramer · Hitchhiker:The hitchhiker's increasingly absurd accident story: rock in the road, flew 100 feet, cracked head wide open, every bone in face broken, eyes hanging from sockets, pronounced dead, coma for a year — then: 'Of course, since then, I always wear a helmet.'

Kramer:'And then the evil ogre took back the magical keys from the handsome young prince.' — Kramer narrating the key drama as a fairy tale to hitchhikers.

Kramer:And then the evil ogre took back the magical keys...from the handsome young prince.

Hitchhiker · Kramer:'Have you ever killed a man?' / 'What do you think? You think these hands have been soaking in Ivory Liquid, huh?'

Companions · Kramer:Oh, don't leave, Kramer. Stay with us. Oh, you know so much about the world. We need you. / Please, Kramer. / Well, now, Star Cloud... / Okay, wait a minute. / No, no, no. / Please, Kramer.

Kramer · Truck Driver:'Well, nothing's sexier than a woman behind the wheel of a semi.' / 'Nothing?' / 'Well...'

Kramer:Kramer says he always wanted to drive a semi and used to watch commercials during reruns of Gomer Pyle.

Kramer:Kramer gets behind the wheel of the semi truck and drives it.

Kramer · Jerry:I think your car got stolen again.

Jerry · Kramer:Well, where is it? / What's the difference? / Well, there's no difference. You know, I'm just curious. / Always have to know everything that's going on, don't you?

Kramer · Jerry:If I don't tell you, it'll kill you, won't it? / Yeah, yeah. It'll kill me. / You have to know. / You must know. / I must know.

Kramer:Now, see, just saying 'beg' doesn't make it a real beg. You gotta put some beg into it.

Kramer:All right, but your begging needs a lot of work.

Jerry · Kramer:Why didn't they ask me to go? / I don't know! How am I supposed to know? / What, they don't like me? / I don't like you.

Kramer:Well, I'm very disappointed in George and Elaine. And you know I'm somebody you don't wanna have on your bad side.

Kramer:Because I'm like ice, buddy. When I don't like you, you got problems.

Kramer · Jerry:Yeah. He had some pretty interesting things to say. / Yeah? What did he say? / You have to know everything, don't you?

Kramer:No, I want you to beg me. And I don't want you to say it. I want you to put some beg in it.

Jerry · Kramer:Kramer, please tell me what the guy said. / No, no. That's no good. / No, I really don't think that's a beg. / No way. It's close, but...

Kramer · Jerry:Look, I can't say anything. The guy told me this stuff in confidence. I'd be betraying a friend. / Well, you can't just mention it and then not tell me.

Kramer · Jerry:He thinks you're a phoney. / A big phoney. / Big one.

Jerry · Kramer:Why did you tell me that if I can't say anything? / You begged me.

Jerry · Mike · Kramer:Indiana. / Hey, Krame.

Kramer · Mike:You're looking tremendous. What, are you on some regimen? / Yeah, 25-percent bran flakes. The 40 percent was too much, so I found a store to make it special. They take it down another 15 percent.

Kramer · George · Elaine:By the way, thanks for inviting me to the flea market. / What? / Yeah. Jerry, he told me all about it. / Great. / I didn't know. / Oh, so that's why you were acting so funny.

Jerry · George · Kramer · Elaine:I'm sorry. / I'm so sorry. Really. / Yeah. I'm sorry. / I'm sorry. I don't care for that 'sorry.' / What's wrong with that sorry? That was a good sorry. Jerry, was that a good sorry? / It was a so-so sorry.

Ice cream truck driver · Kramer · George:Hey! Move this car! I gotta get through! / You heard the man. / I guess you better be moving your car.

Kramer:They had to move the cars so the truck could get through, right? These guys don't trust each other, so they got two nonpartisan drivers to move them.

Kramer · George:Enough! / No! Don't do it! / Are we gonna stay here all night? / Yes. I'm not giving him the satisfaction. It's my space.

Kramer · George:Why don't you just flip a coin, already. / No, this is a matter of principle. That would be saying anybody can pull into any space any way they want.

Kramer · Elaine · Mike · Jerry · George:That's it. The fight's already started. I'm going upstairs. Who's coming? Elaine? / Depends on who's going. You going? / I'm not going if he's going! / Me either! / Well, I'm going. / If he's going, I'm not going! / It's your house! / I don't have to go.

Mike · Kramer · Mike:Why did you tell him?! / He begged me! / He begged you?!

Jerry · Kramer:Kramer breaks into Jerry's apartment at night to use his popcorn popper, then forgot the popper

Jerry · Kramer:Kramer is using Jerry's bathroom because his own drain is clogged

Jerry · Kramer:"Is that my towel?" / "Yes."

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry discovers Kramer in his apartment AGAIN and invokes "You've lost your key privileges"

Jerry · Kramer:The extended back-and-forth argument where Jerry and Kramer trade single-line volleys ('Come on' / 'No come on' / 'I thought you went to the movie' / 'It was sold out'...)

Kramer:"I broke the covenant of the keys."

Jerry · Elaine · Kramer:Three-way tug-of-war over the keys between Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer

Jerry · Elaine · Kramer:The three-way tug-of-war over the keys: Jerry, Elaine, and Kramer all fighting — with Kramer declaring he doesn't WANT them back

Kramer:Kramer's speech: "I was clinging to those keys, man...like a branch on the banks of a raging river...and now I have let go. And I'm free to go with the current...to float."

Jerry · Kramer:Kramer pivots to asking for his OWN spare keys back from Jerry, immediately after his liberation speech

Kramer · George:Kramer's confession: "Having the keys to Jerry's apartment...kept me in a fantasy world. Every time I went over to his house, it was like I was on vacation. Better food, better view, better TV. Cleaner. Oh, much cleaner."

Kramer · George:"I was living in twilight, George. Living in the shadows, living in the darkness...like you."

Kramer:"I can barely see you, George."

Kramer · George:"Do you ever yearn? / Yearn? Do I yearn? / I yearn. / You yearn? / Oh yes. Yes, I yearn. Often I sit and yearn."

Kramer · George:Kramer's interrogation of George's life: no job, no money, no woman, no prospects, nothing on the horizon, no action — ending with George's answer

Kramer:Kramer announces he's going to California to pursue acting, citing the acting bug

George · Kramer:"'These pretzels are making me thirsty'? That was one line. You got fired." / "I know, I know. But man, I never felt so alive."

Kramer:"Up here, I'm already gone." (Kramer taps his head)

Kramer:"And then the evil ogre took back the magical keys...from the handsome young prince."

Car Passenger · Kramer:"Have you ever killed a man?" / "What do you think? You think these hands have been soaking in Ivory Liquid, huh?"

Kramer:Kramer's actual Murphy Brown appearance: playing 'Steven Snell, the new secretary' — "Good morning, Miss Brown. I'm familiar, yes."

Kramer:Kramer explains his acting technique involves imagining colors and finding their 'emotional, vibrational mood,' with scripts color-coded so he doesn't memorize language — he memorizes color

Kramer · Unknown:Someone tells Kramer to get out mid-acting-explanation; Kramer completely accepts it and leaves

Helene · Kramer:Helene: "I haven't worked since 1934. How do you think I am?"

Helene · Kramer:The Three Stooges short "Sappy Pappies" in which the baby is killed and the Stooges are executed on death row

Kramer · Helene:"Well, I don't remember that part" / "It was sad for a Three Stooges, what with the dead baby and the Stooges being executed and all."

Kramer:'It was sad for a Three Stooges, what with the dead baby and the Stooges being executed and all.'

Kramer · Receptionist:Kramer arrives at an audition; receptionist lists four options: music video, horror movie, exercise tape, or infomercial

Kramer · Woman at Audition:"You scream good." / "You too."

Kramer:Eva Braun miniseries pitch: "What was it like having sex with Adolf Hitler? What do you wear in a bunker? What did her parents think of Hitler as a potential son-in-law?"

Kramer:Kramer spots Fred Savage and declares it 'a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity' to pitch his movie treatment

Kramer · Fred Savage:Kramer's catastrophic approach to Fred Savage: 'I look weird but I'm just like you,' forgetting the show's name, knocking over a table, invoking fate

Kramer:Kramer's pitch to Fred Savage keeps unraveling: 'It's fate that you happened to be here at the same time as me. It's fate. You can't avoid your fate.'

Kramer:Corbin Bernsen. Do I have a case for you guys to do on L.A. Law.

Kramer:I got a lot of auditions, a lot of callbacks. I got a lot of interest in my movie treatment. I'm in development. I'm developing vehicles. There's a lot of energy here, the vibe, it's powerful. I'm swept up in it. I'm a player.

Kramer:What, this? I'll be out of here in a couple of hours. Hey, guess who I met today. Fred Savage.

Kramer · Jerry · George:Jerry? George? — Yeah, sure. — Yeah, sure. [clear hesitation]

Kramer:Hey, is it all right if I talk to them again? — Yeah, okay. — Help me! Oh, God, help me! Get me out of here! George, Jerry, get me out! I didn't kill anyone. I swear. I swear to God!

Kramer:Help me! Oh, God, help me! Get me out of here! George, Jerry, get me out! / Get me...! / I didn't kill anyone. I swear. I swear to God!

Lieutenant · Kramer:How'd you know about the guy in the park? — I said, beat it.

Kramer · Jerry · George:Somebody got killed while they had me in custody. — Really? — Hear that? Somebody else was killed. No kidding! Somebody else got killed? While he was in jail. So you're free! — Yes, I'm free because the murderer struck again. Hey!

Kramer:That L.A.'s a cold place even in the middle of summer. That it's a lonely place even when you're stuck in traffic on the freeway. That I'm no better than the screenwriter driving a cab, the starlet turning tricks, the producer in a house he can't afford.

Kramer · Jerry · George:Is that what you want me to say? — I'd like to hear that. — Yeah. — Well, I'm not saying that.

Kramer · Jerry:'I met a girl.' / 'Kramer, she was murdered.'

Kramer · Jerry:I was on TV. — As a suspect in a serial killing.

Kramer:Okay, yeah, all right. You guys gotta put a negative spin on everything.

Kramer:What do they put in this tuna? Tastes like a dill. I think it's a dill.

Kramer · George:Taste this. Is this a dill? — No, it's a tarragon.

Kramer · George:Oh, you're crazy. — Tarragon? — Yeah.

Kramer · Jerry:Got any mustard? This is empty. — Yeah, there's a new one in there. — No, no. I don't like this one. It's too yellow.

Kramer · Newman:I'm giving him my motorcycle helmet. He's giving me his radar detector.

Jerry · Kramer:I didn't know you have a motorcycle. / Well, my girlfriend had one. / You have a girlfriend? / I had a girlfriend.

Jerry · Kramer:I don't remember you with a girl. / Nevertheless.

Newman · Kramer:Newman and Kramer argue about 'reneging' — Newman keeps saying the word, Kramer keeps telling him to stop

Newman · Kramer:No, but there's karma, Kramer? / Karma Kramer.

Kramer · Jerry:I want to play Kramer. / You can't play Kramer. / I am Kramer. / But you can't act.

Telemarketer · Kramer:Would you be interested in switching to TMI long distance? / Oh, I can't talk right now. Why don't you give me your home number, and I'll call you later? / I'm sorry. We're not allowed to do that. / I guess you don't want people calling you at home. / No. / Well, now you know how I feel.

Susan · Kramer · Jerry · George:Kramer, are you drinking that milk? / Yeah. / What's the expiration date on that? / September third. / The third? / The third?

Kramer:Kramer comes in beaten up: 'Davola came after me.' He was wearing Newman's helmet when kicked in the head.

Jerry · Kramer:Boy, that is some kick. / Newman's helmet, it saved my life. Look at that.

Kramer:Where the hell did I put it? [Kramer enters, one pant leg on, only half his face shaved]

Jerry · Kramer:Go to your apartment and fix it. / Fix what? / Your pants! What is this? Why do I got one pant leg on for?

Jerry · Kramer:You only shaved the right side of your face. / What is this, a joke? / No joke. What? A joke? You think this is funny? Well, look at your face in the mirror.

Jerry · Kramer:Can you get vomit out of suede? / I don't know. / Yo-Yo Ma!

Kramer:Kramer, mid-conversation about the dry-cleaning bill, suddenly says: 'Yo-Yo Ma!'

Newman · Kramer:When he stopped me, I told him I was rushing because my friend was about to commit suicide. Now, you're that friend. / All we need is a reason why you were gonna commit suicide. / I never had an air conditioner.

Kramer · Newman:I was never able to become a banker. / Banker! So you're killing yourself because your dreams of becoming a banker have gone unfulfilled. You...you...you can't live without being a banker. / Yeah, yeah. If I can't be a banker, I don't wanna live. / You must be a banker! / Must be a banker!

Kramer:Hey, Yo-Yo Ma.

Kramer · Jerry:He's getting a sandwich now. / I thought he was gonna have a muffin. / All of a sudden, he gets hungry. / You know, a muffin can be very filling. / I know.

Kramer:What do you mean, 'in your own words'? Whose words are they gonna be?

Kramer · Newman:I was very upset that day because I could never become a banker. / And this failure to become a banker...was eating at you. Eating, eating, eating at you inside. / Yeah.

Kramer:Kramer on the stand: 'What do you mean, in my own words? Whose words are they gonna be?'

Newman · Kramer:Newman tries to remind Kramer about the phone call alibi. 'From who?' 'From me! From me!' The scene devolves into Newman shrieking 'the banking! the banking!'

Kramer · Newman · Jerry:Hey, Newman, is that your red car? / Yeah. / I think you're getting a ticket. / Run. / Go! Go! Go! / Hey, what are you doing? It's after 6:00! You can't give me a ticket!

Kramer · Jerry · George:This would be a good idea for the pilot. / Get out of here. The vomiting is funnier. / Oh, like you know. / No. You do.

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry frantically searching for the remote while Kramer stands there with one pant leg on and only half his face shaved

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer genuinely does not know he has one pant leg on or that he only shaved one side of his face

George · Jerry · Kramer:George presents Jerry with an $18 dry-cleaning bill for vomiting on the NBC executive's vest

George · Jerry · Kramer:Jerry's milk chain-of-causation: 'Jerry's the one that left the milk in the refrigerator. / Yeah, your milk. / He drank it. I didn't know!'

Kramer:'Can you get vomit out of suede?' asked as a completely sincere practical question mid-argument

Kramer:Kramer randomly blurts out 'Yo-Yo Ma' mid-conversation

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry whispers 'Is that Joe Davola?' — paranoid stalker sighting; Kramer: 'It's not him!'

Kramer · Newman:Newman asks Kramer why he'd commit suicide; Kramer's answer: 'I never had an air conditioner.'

Kramer · Newman:Newman: 'That's no reason to kill yourself.' Kramer: 'Why? It gets hot at night. You can't sleep. You ever try to sleep in a really hot room?' Newman: 'Every night I sleep in a really hot room. I don't want to kill myself.'

Kramer:Kramer's new suicide reason: 'I was never able to become a banker.'

Kramer:Kramer's testimony includes 'the Manufacturers Hanover on Lexington and 40th Street' as the specific bank that rejected his friend

Kramer · Newman:Kramer on the stand: Lawyer asks him to tell the court 'in your own words' what happened. Kramer: 'What do you mean, "in my own words"? Whose words are they gonna be?'

Kramer:Kramer on the stand: 'I was very upset that day because I could never become a banker.' — delivered with complete sincerity in sworn court testimony

Newman · Kramer:Newman invents that it was Kramer's family that pushed him into banking — Kramer has no idea what Newman is talking about

Newman · Kramer:Newman's invented backstory: Kramer's father lifted him up to see the bank teller and said 'Sonny boy, take a good look at him. That's gonna be you someday.'

Newman · Kramer:The courtroom meltdown: Newman trying to prompt Kramer with increasingly frantic pantomiming — 'You were gonna ack-ka-ka-ka! ... You were dai-ya deh, wha-hey! ... To yourself!' — while Kramer genuinely doesn't understand

Newman · Kramer:Judge fines Newman $75. Newman: 'What's the matter with you, you jerk? We had it all worked out.'

Newman · Jerry · George · Kramer:Newman gets a parking ticket. Kramer, Jerry, and George all yell 'Run! Go! Go! Go!'

Newman · Kramer:Newman: 'Hey, what are you doing? It's after 6:00! You can't give me a ticket! ... I'll fight this! I've got witnesses!' Kramer: 'I saw the whole thing.'

Kramer · Helen · Morty:Kramer arrives with a black eye. 'Oh, some guy kicked me in the side of the head. Crazy Joe Davola. Because I was having this party and I didn't invite him, and then Jerry tipped him off.'

Jerry · Helen · Morty · Kramer:Jerry's parents interrogating him about why he told Crazy Joe Davola that Kramer didn't invite him, while Kramer interrupts to talk about his comfortable pants.

Jerry · Kramer · Helen:'He's got, like, a chemical imbalance. He needs to be on medication.' / 'He's after Jerry now.' / 'He's joking.'

Helen · Kramer:Helen turns to Kramer: 'Kramer?' / 'Yeah, I like him.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry confesses to Kramer: 'Look, there's no watch. I threw it in the garbage can on the street. My parents gave it to me but I didn't like it. So don't mention it again, okay?'

Jerry · Kramer:Kramer's reason for coming back: 'He's got my calamine lotion. I told him not to return it. If he needs it, he should keep it. He's got a thing on his ankle.'

Jerry · Kramer:'What was that about?' / 'Oh, no... he's got my calamine lotion.' — Kramer returning immediately after Jerry's confession.

Kramer · Jerry:'It might not be a burglar. It could be a murderer.' / 'So you wanna just abolish all home-package delivery?' / 'Yes, it's dangerous.'

Elaine · Kramer · Jerry:'Oh, shut up.' / 'I missed you.' / 'Really? You really missed me?' / 'Yeah.' / 'Me too, miss. I miss.' / 'Yeah, big missing going on around here.'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer reveals the 'tell': touching your face when asked about a relationship. The higher up the face, the worse the relationship.

Kramer:'The higher up on the face you go, the worse the relationship is getting. It's like: Pretty good [chin]. Not bad [cheek]. I gotta get out [forehead/nose].'

Kramer:Kramer's suggestion: 'Tell this guy you're seeing somebody else. That's the easiest way.' — about breaking up with a psychiatrist.

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry: 'Nice try.' / Kramer: 'Took a shot.'

Kramer:I can't stand Velcro. That tearing sound.

Kramer · Elaine:'Have we been intimate?' — Kramer asking Elaine to confirm whether they've had sex for his fake psychiatrist story

Kramer · Elaine:Elaine agrees they've been intimate. Kramer: 'All right, how often do we do it?' — Elaine's exasperated reaction when she says 'five times a week' and Kramer responds 'Oh, baby.'

Kramer:Kramer refuses to rehearse what he'll say: 'It kills the spontaneity. You know, Gleason, he never rehearsed.'

Kramer:Kramer's pre-call check: 'Hey, how's your hair?' — totally irrelevant non-sequitur before making a high-stakes phone call

Kramer:'You're not the type who should be playing with matches, seriously.'

Kramer:Long pause after Kramer announces himself to the receptionist: 'Well, this is Kramer, and he's expecting my call.' — followed by an extended silence before the psychiatrist gets on

Kramer:Kramer tells Dr. Reston he must 'cease and desist and allow us to pursue our courtship unfettered.'

Kramer:'I can assure you, doctor, that I can make things unpleasant for you... and your staff, if you have one.'

Kramer:Kramer slowly capitulating to the psychiatrist's counter-offer: 'Well, I suppose I could, but I'd have to shift a few things around.'

Kramer · Dr. Reston:Kramer asks for a 'decaf cappuccino' at the psychiatrist's office. Dr. Reston says he doesn't have that. Kramer: 'Well, that's a little strange.' / 'Why does that surprise you?' / 'Well, it's a very popular drink.' / 'This is an office.' / 'That's true.'

Kramer:Kramer's response to 'Tell me all about you and Elaine': 'Oh, alrighty... Well, what we have here, doctor, is... an extraordinary situation.'

Kramer:Kramer: 'Trustbuster. Bust this.' — in reference to replacing Teddy Roosevelt on Mount Rushmore

Kramer · Dr. Reston:Dr. Reston offers Kramer a Cuban cigar and they bond over it: 'These are good, huh?'

Kramer:Kramer's debriefing to Elaine: 'I'm in love. I just met her outside in the street. Her name's Elaine.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry opens the wallet Morty just drove away with — it's Velcro. 'You're kidding.' / 'Who needs this? Leo, let's go.'

Kramer:I met the pro at the golf shop up on 49th Street. I gave him a Cuban, and he invites me for a free round.

George · Jerry · Kramer:Because we were just saying we were gonna ask you to the country... They got any golf courses up there? No, no, no. That's pie country.

Kramer:'I'm very impressed'? You mean 'pressed' because it's a dry cleaner?

Kramer · Jerry:Hey, what's with George and Susan? Does he actually like her? — I don't know if he likes her as much as he likes it.

Kramer:Yeah. I'm thinking of going up myself. They got pies, and I got the directions right here.

Kramer · Susan's Father:I drive all the way to the country club and then I find out there's a tournament going on. — You mind if I smoke? — No. — These are Cubans.

Kramer:Hold these pies.

Kramer · Naomi:Naomi, come on, let's get going. But that lake must be freezing. — No, it's good for you. Retards the aging process.

Kramer:My Cubans.

Kramer:What's one thing got to do with another?

Kramer:I mean, you know what that's like? [public golf courses] It's crowded. The grass has big brown patches in it. They don't rake the sand traps. Not to mention the calibre of people you have to play with.

Kramer:Kramer approaches the Cuban consulate alone to buy illegal Cuban cigars, addresses the consul as 'señor,' admires his jacket, and apparently attempts to broker a deal.

Kramer:Well, illegal, huh? — I like that jacket.

Kramer:Oh, hey! Hey, Jer, I want you to meet my new friends here. This is Luis, Jorge and Umberto. — Yeah, we're heading up to Westchester. Gonna hit the links.

Kramer:I don't want to. I'm out of money. I got $714 in the bank.

Jerry · George · Kramer:Why doesn't he just move in here? / Yeah, I'll move in with him. He doesn't let you use the toilet.

George · Jerry · Kramer:The abandoned pizza conversation — George starts describing his idea for a make-your-own-pizza place, gets a distant 'Right,' trails off, then both men clearly realize they're hearing Leslie the low-talker and can't understand her.

Kramer:It's, like, a puffy shirt. Well, yeah, it's all puffy. Like the pirates used to wear. ... I think people wanna look like pirates. It's the right time for it. To be all puffy and devil-may-care.

Kramer · Jerry:Since you agreed to wear the puffy shirt on Today... / Since I what?

Jerry · Kramer:I didn't know what she was talking about. I couldn't hear her. / Well, she asked you. / I can't wear this puffy shirt on TV. I mean, look at it. It looks ridiculous.

Kramer · Jerry:This pirate trend she's come up with, Jerry... This is gonna be the new look for the '90s. You're gonna be the first pirate. / But I don't wanna be a pirate.

Kramer:In two months' time, everybody's gonna be wearing the pirate look.

Kramer:I just can't be with someone whose life is in complete disarray.

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer watching The Bold and the Beautiful on Jerry's TV after giving his own TV to George

Kramer:'It was destroying my brain cells.' [context: Kramer gave away his TV because he was too addicted, but is now watching Jerry's TV]

Kramer · Jerry:'There's nothing out there for me.' / 'There's weather.' / 'I don't need weather. Weather doesn't do it for me.'

Ping · Jerry · Elaine · Kramer:Ping (Chinese delivery person) arrives injured from a bicycle accident, but the food is mostly destroyed — only the pea pods survived

Ping · Elaine · Kramer:'You should slow down. It's dangerous to go that fast.' / 'No, no, I have green light. You jaywalk.' / 'I did not jaywalk.' / 'Yes, you jaywalk.' / 'No, I don't want it.' / 'Jaywalker. I can slap a suit on you.'

Kramer:'Who is Joseph Cotten? Giddyup.'

Jerry · Kramer:Date with Marla. Oh, the virgin? Yeah. Any progress there? What's the latest? I got my troops amassed along the border. I'm waiting for someone to give me the go-ahead.

Kramer · Jerry:Look at this. Come here. There's a naked woman across the street. Where? Second floor from the top. See the window on the left?

Jerry · Kramer:Let me ask you, in these nudist colonies...do they eat naked in the dining room? I would imagine it's all naked. Are the chambermaids naked too? They're naked. The gardener's naked. Bellhops. It's one big nude-o-rama.

Kramer · Jerry:Then, I got a call this morning. I was chosen to go on the space shuttle. We're going to Mars. Have a good time.

Kramer:[Scene: Kramer is shown out at the contest check-in] I'm out.

Kramer:Kramer bursts back in: 'I'm out.'

Kramer · George · Jerry:Yeah, I'm out. I'm out of the contest. You're out? Yeah. Wow, that was fast. Well, it was that woman across the street. You know, you better be careful, buddy. She'll get you next.

Kramer · Jerry:Nothing like some good, solid sack-time. She's not there. She's doing her wash.

Kramer · Jerry:So you're still master of your domain? Yes. Yes, I am. Master of my domain.

Kramer:Do you hear what you're saying? Can you hear it? This is a beautiful woman walking around naked and you wanna tell her to stop? That's the dumbest thing I ever heard!

Kramer:When we were boys looking through our windows, we'd think, 'Why can't a woman out there take her clothes off?' Now that wish has come true, and you wanna throw it away?

Kramer:She's not there. Oh, I can wait.

Jerry · George · Kramer:But are you still master of your domain? I am king of the county. You? Lord of the manor.

Jerry · Kramer:Where did you get those socks? I don't know. I think those are my socks. How are these your socks? I don't know, but those are my socks. I had a blue-striped pair just like that, and now I don't have them anymore.

Kramer:Yeah, you fell asleep on the sofa, and I took them off your stinking feet! They looked so good, I had to have them!

Jerry · Kramer:Oh, boy. Oh, boy. What are we doing here? This is ridiculous. You believe this? We're fighting. I haven't been myself. I'm snapping at people. I'm yelling at strangers on the street.

Jerry · George · Elaine · Kramer:The group realizes they're fighting over socks — snapping at each other due to the contest. 'Oh, boy. Oh, boy.' / 'What are we doing here?' / 'This is ridiculous.' / 'I haven't been myself. I'm snapping at people. I'm yelling at strangers on the street.'

Jerry · George · Kramer:Is that...? Kramer? [Kramer appears, clearly just having arrived from across the street]

George · Kramer:Duty-free is the biggest sucker deal in retail. / You know how much duty is? / Duty? / Yeah. You know how much duty is? / No, I don't know how much duty is. / Duty's nothing. It's like sales tax.

Kramer:I like to stop at the duty-free shop [sung]

Kramer:I'll go to the gift shop and get a copy of TIME magazine. There's supposed to be a blurb about Jerry. I think he mentioned my name.

Kramer · Convict:Hey. I was gonna take that. / Gee, I'm sorry. I got here first. / I don't care. I want the magazine. / You're a blurb. Check out the cover, idiot.

Convict · Kramer:You know what I would do to you if I wasn't in these shackles? / But you are, Blanche. You are in the shackles.

Kramer:Oh, I can't wait to read my TIME magazine. Last copy too. / Maybe I'll read it tomorrow, in the park. / Supposed to be a beautiful day. Have a nice life... sentence, that is.

Kramer:He took the cash and... disappears. I tried to find him. I went to his girlfriend's house, even his family. Never got that money back. He screwed me.

Kramer:Listen to the bell, Grossbard. It tolls for thee.

George · Kramer:Supersavers? Are they refundable? / You bought nonrefundable tickets. You idiot.

Kramer:I'll tell you what. I'll split it with you, huh?

Kramer · Grossbard:Do you recognize me? / No. / Come on. Twenty years ago. / What? / Eighteenth Street? / I don't know what you're talking about. / Give me your money. Where's your wallet? The $240.

Kramer · George:Kramer! / George!

Kramer:Come on. Let go of me. I'm telling you, I didn't do anything wrong. / That guy owes me 240 bucks.

George · Kramer:Kramer asks 'Should I call Susan?' George asks 'What does the little man inside you say?' — 'My little man's an idiot.'

Kramer · Elaine:Kramer offers to take Elaine's Christmas card photo; admits he'll have to 'improvise' on her outfit

Kramer · George · Elaine:Kramer offering to take Elaine's Christmas card photo: 'I don't know about that outfit, though.' 'Why, what's wrong with it?' 'Well, we'll have to improvise.'

Kramer · Jerry · Tia:Kramer enters Jerry's apartment to borrow a DustBuster, sees Tia (the Calvin Klein model), and immediately senses something familiar about her smell

Kramer:Kramer turns on the DustBuster mid-sniffing scene, using it as a prop while searching for the familiar smell

Kramer · Jerry · Tia:After Kramer leaves: 'The beach! You smell like the beach!' — Kramer bursts back in immediately upon recognizing the smell

Kramer:'I could have been a millionaire. I could have been a fragrance millionaire, Jerry.'

Kramer:Kramer looks at the card and says 'Yeah, so?' — doesn't understand why it's a big deal

Kramer:Kramer defends the nipple: 'It's a nipple. It's a little, brown, circular protuberance. What's the big deal? Hey, everybody's got 'em. Look, I got 'em.' — lifts shirt

Kramer:Kramer sniffing the perfume in the store, clearly acting suspiciously — 'What's that perfume? / That's mine. That's my smell!'

Kramer:Kramer storming into Calvin Klein's offices: 'I wanna talk to Calvin! Let me talk to Calvin!'

Kramer:Kramer bursting into Calvin Klein's office: 'I wanna talk to Calvin! Let me talk to Calvin!'

Calvin Klein · Kramer:Calvin Klein tells Kramer 'You're very lithe, aren't you? Very graceful.' Then: 'I think you're spectacular.'

Kramer:Kramer sits down as directed and immediately kicks the couch: 'Ooh!'

Kramer:Kramer's response to being told he's spectacular: 'Oh?' — with evident pleasure and vanity.

Kramer · Calvin Klein:Kramer tells Calvin Klein he's cut out fructose as part of his health routine while Calvin sizes him up as a model

Kramer · Jerry · Elaine · George:Kramer's Calvin Klein underwear ad is revealed in a magazine: 'Boy, they really worked on your pectorals.' / 'Your buttocks are spectacular.'

Elaine · Jerry · Kramer:The magazine shows something in Kramer's underwear ad: 'I think I see your...' — implying his underwear ad has the same problem as Elaine's card

Kramer · George · Elaine:Kramer was at the wrong theater — the Paradise Twin instead of the Paragon. / 'No, you said Paradise.' / 'It's a twin theater. I want to see this movie on a big screen.'

Kramer:I don't want a movie dog. I want a Papaya King hot dog.

Kramer · George · Elaine:Hey, you know what else is playing here? Rochelle Rochelle. / I wouldn't mind seeing that. / Men can sit through the most pointless, boring movie if there's the slightest possibility that a woman will take her top off.

George · Kramer:George and Kramer's extended negotiation over breaking a $20: the ticket money dispute, the popcorn offset, the bonbons offer, the counterproposal — 'George, you're sapping my strength.'

Jerry · Elaine · George · Kramer:The four characters end up all watching Rochelle Rochelle together — reunited at last, in the wrong movie.

George · Kramer:What happened to you? / I missed you at the other theater. Then I missed my set, and I had nothing to do. Man. Look at this. I sat in gum.

George · Kramer:Hey, by the way, you owe me $7.50. / But I didn't even use the ticket. / I still paid for it.

Kramer · Buckles · George · Elaine:I only have a 20. / Hi. / Hey! / What happened to you? / That's my coat. Give me that. Where did you get that? / It was on the seat. / You took my seat? / You owe me $7.50. / Yeah. Right. / What is this stain? / It's yellow mustard. Can you break a 20?

George · Kramer · Elaine:Kramer insists on going to the Paradise Twin instead of the Paragon, sparking the 'twin theater' debate.

Kramer:'George, you're sapping my strength.'

Kramer:Kramer shows up at the end and announces: 'I sat in gum.'

Kramer:Kramer casually sitting in gum: "Look at this. I sat in gum."

George · Jerry · Kramer:The $7.50 money dispute surfaces AGAIN at the very end as Kramer arrives: 'By the way, you owe me $7.50.' / 'But I didn't even use the ticket.' / 'I still paid for it.'

George · Kramer · Jerry:It emerges that Kramer's coat (which ended up on Jerry's seat) is the coat that was taken from the seat — and Jerry's friend was wearing it the whole time.

Kramer · Stranger:The coat has a yellow mustard stain on it. 'What is this stain?' / 'It's yellow mustard. Can you break a 20?'

Kramer:Hey, come here. Those two girls behind you, they're eavesdropping.

Kramer:...are homosexuals, so what? I mean, you should come out of the closet and be openly gay already.

Kramer · Jerry · George:Hey, come on. Let's go. I thought we were gonna take a steam. / No, I don't want any steam. No steam. Well, I don't wanna sit there naked all by myself.

Kramer:Because you know me... I walk into a room, problem solved.

Kramer · Jerry:Happy birthday. 'Faruba!' / Today's not my birthday. / Well, I beg to differ. / Well, I think I know when my birthday is. / Yeah, well, you'd think so, but you'd be wrong.

Jerry · Kramer · George:There may be a problem with the phone. / 'There may be a problem with the phone.' Oh, no! / Kramer, this phone's a piece of junk. Goodbye. / 'This phone's a piece of junk.' Oh, no! She's heard everything!

Kramer:You know there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on in somebody's house, the families go to war.

Kramer · Jerry:I just thought of a great name for myself, if I ever become a porno actor. / Oh yeah? What? Buck Naked? / Yeah. How did you know that? / You told me that already. Like two months ago.

Kramer · Jerry · George:What do you think of this shirt? Well... Allison bought it for me. / How you gonna get out of that one? / I don't know. I guess I have to wait for her to die.

Kramer:Hey, come on. Let's go. I thought we were gonna take a steam.

Jerry · George · Kramer:No, I don't want any steam. / No. No steam. / Well, I don't wanna sit there naked all by myself.

Kramer · Jerry:Happy birthday. 'Faruba!' / Today's not my birthday. / Well, I beg to differ. / Well, I think I know when my birthday is. / Yeah, well, you'd think so, but you'd be wrong.

Jerry · George · Kramer:All right. Let me call Kramer, and see if you can hear anything. Hold on. / There may be a problem with the phone. Hold on. / 'There may be a problem with the phone.' / Oh, no! / Kramer, this phone's a piece of junk. Goodbye. / 'This phone's a piece of junk.' / Oh, no! She's heard everything! What will we do?

Kramer:You know there are tribes in Indonesia where if you keep your coat on in somebody's house, the families go to war.

Kramer · George:Hey, how you doing? / How you doing?

Kramer:It's a con. These agencies are usually a front for some money-laundering scheme. Or they're bunco artists. Bilking people out of their life savings.

Kramer:Where do you get this? The alternative media, Jerry. That's where you hear the truth.

Newman · Kramer · Record Store Owner:The record store owner offers $5 for the whole collection. Newman and Kramer: 'Five bucks?' Owner: 'Yeah, I do. Five dollars.'

Kramer:Wait, wait, wait. Sergio Mendes has a cult following. Why, they follow him like a cult. Can't walk down the street in South America.

Newman · Kramer:All right, we'll be back, Jack. We'll be back... Jack.

Newman · Kramer:Newman and Kramer, kicked out of the store: 'We'll be back, Jack... We'll be back... Jack.' (long trailing exit)

Newman · Kramer:You embarrassed me at that store. That guy thought we were a couple of total squares. Oh yeah, you and your Sergio Mendes. Hey, that guy can't even go to the bathroom in South America.

Kramer · Housekeeper:So you don't speak any English at all? No. I would like to dip my bald head in oil and rub it all over your body. You don't understand. It's a miracle.

Kramer · Jerry · George · Sid:He's biting me! My teeth! My teeth! Where's his teeth? Where's his teeth? I saw something fly over here. Well, turn the light on. That's the garbage disposal.

Newman · Kramer · Ron:This guy is nothing but a piece of crap. You are nothing but a piece of crap. What did you call me? A piece of crap. A piece of crap. I find you extremely ugly. I find you extremely ugly. You emit a foul and unpleasant odor. You emit a foul and unpleasant odor. I loathe you. I loathe you.

George · Kramer · Record Store Owner:The argument escalates: 'I find you extremely ugly.' / 'I find you extremely ugly.' / 'You emit a foul and unpleasant odor.' / 'You emit a foul and unpleasant odor.' / 'I loathe you.' / 'I loathe you.'

Kramer · Tim Fields:Then all the records broke. The records? My father's records?

Kramer · George:Kramer describing the record store fight: 'A real melee.' George: 'Yeah, a real brouhaha.'

Jerry · George · Kramer:The group discovers Fields is home because 'the line's busy.' He must have called someone while they were searching for him.

Jerry · George · Kramer:We... We couldn't find him. [long pause after returning to the apartment]

Kramer · Jerry:I thought you hated Los Angeles. No, I do. Just miss the warm weather.

Kramer · Jerry:Salman Rushdie. Well, I could see that. You got five million Moslems after you. You wanna stay in pretty good shape.

Kramer · Jerry:Salman Rushdie is spotted at the health club. Kramer: 'Well, I could see that. You got five million Moslems after you. You wanna stay in pretty good shape.'

Kramer · Jerry · George:Kramer performing an elaborate cover story for George at the airline counter — pretending to cry over a dead aunt he didn't know.

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry and Kramer's parallel logic loop: 'If that's Rushdie, they're real. If they're real, that's Rushdie.' Both race to their respective targets simultaneously.

Kramer · Sal Bass:Look, my name's Kramer. Sal Bass. Yeah. Pleased to meet you, Kramer. Yeah. So what kind of work do you do? I'm a writer.

Kramer · Jerry:Jerry identifies 'Sal Bass' as Rushdie: 'Bass, Jerry. Instead of salmon, he went with bass. He just substituted one fish for another.'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer interrupts Jerry's date with Sidra to borrow a bathing suit for Puerto Rico.

Kramer · Jerry:I'm packing for Puerto Rico. I need to borrow your bathing suit. This is an emergency? You need a bathing suit?

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry to Kramer about borrowing bathing suit: 'I don't want your boys down there.' Kramer: 'What's the matter with my boys?' Jerry: 'Your boys should stay in their neighborhood.'

Kramer · Jerry:What's the matter with my boys? Your boys should stay in their neighborhood.

Kramer:It's gonna be like a log cabin. Because I need wood around me. Wood, Jerry. Wood.

Jerry · Kramer:Wood is good. — Definitely.

Kramer:You bought me dishwashing gloves. There's no fine touch.

Kramer:The mother lode. [Kramer discovers the Junior Mints in the hospital vending machine]

Kramer:You know, I can't get this damn thing to sleep.

Kramer:Pay dirt. [Kramer, apparently having solved the hospital bed problem, reacts with triumph]

Kramer:Kramer does his new trick for the doctor — Hey. [some physical bit] I just learned that.

Dr. Siegel · Kramer:Are you asking because you saw 20/20 last night? I sure am.

Kramer · Dr. Siegel:But you will use a retractor. We have to. [long pause, Kramer stares]

Kramer · Jerry:Come on, Jerry, you gotta see the operation. They're gonna cut him open. His guts will be all over the place. Yeah, that's true. They'll saw through bone. We'll see what's inside bone.

Jerry · Kramer:You should have just asked her. I know I should have asked. What are you gonna do now? I don't know. I can't ask her now. I've already made out with her. Once you make out with a woman, you can't ask her her name.

Kramer · Jerry:Aretha. No. Bovary. All right, that's enough.

Kramer · Jerry:You gotta go through her purse. The credit cards, driver's license. Well, how am I gonna do that? When she goes to the bathroom.

George · Kramer:What kind of operation is it? Splenectomy. Isn't that where they remove the..? Don't ruin it. I haven't seen it yet.

Jerry · Kramer:What are you eating? Junior Mints. You want one? No. Now, I can't see.

Kramer · Jerry:The Junior Mint dropping incident — Kramer forcing the mint on Jerry, Jerry pushing back, the mint bouncing off the railing and falling into Roy's open abdominal cavity

Jerry · Kramer:Did it go in? / Yes.

Kramer · Jerry:Over the balcony, bounced off some respirator thing... into the patient. What do you mean, 'Into the patient'? Into the patient. Literally. Into the hole? Yes. The hole.

Jerry · Kramer:I guess it can't hurt him. People eat pounds of those things. Yes, they eat them. They don't put them next to vital organs in their abdominal cavity.

Kramer · Jerry:Who's gonna turn down a Junior Mint? It's chocolate, it's peppermint. It's delicious. That's true. It's very refreshing.

Jerry · Kramer:We gotta confess. We could be tried for murder. I can't have this on my conscience. We're Leopold and Loeb.

Jerry · Kramer:You're not saying anything. You can't stop me. No, you're not!

Dolores · Jerry · Kramer:What are you doing? I was just looking for some gum. Or a mint. I have Junior Mints. No! No. I mean... No, thank you. No.

Jerry · Kramer:I don't know the name of this woman in the bathroom. So when she comes out, you introduce yourself. She'll be forced to say her name.

Kramer · Dolores:Hello. Hello, I'm Kramer. Nice to meet you. See you later.

Kramer:Who are you to play God?! Every man's time comes. If his number is up, who are you to interfere?

Kramer:Mint? Those can be very refreshing.

Kramer · George:Kramer spots two women together: 'A lesbian sighting. My lucky day. They're so fascinating. Why is that?' / George: 'Because they don't want us. You gotta respect that.'

George · Kramer · Susan:George and Kramer discover Susan — George's ex — holding hands with a woman named Mona at the video store

Kramer:Kramer describes the valet's BO as 'rampant, mutant BO' — 'The O went from the valet's B to the car to me. It clings to everything. Jerry thinks it's an entity.'

Kramer · Mona:Kramer arrives at Mona's door: 'I didn't think I'd come.' Mona: 'I knew you would.' — immediate passionate embrace

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry: 'I'm selling that car.' / Kramer: 'Maybe I'll buy it.' / Jerry: 'Are you crazy? You need a priest to get rid of this thing.'

Jerry · Kramer · Susan:Kramer asks Jerry to smell him. Jerry starts to, then is interrupted by Susan banging on the door demanding to know why Kramer stole Mona.

Kramer:Kramer explains how he met Mona: 'I was in the video store, and I was practicing my golf swing, you know. With a broom.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry: 'This woman has never been with a man her entire life.' Kramer: 'I'm Kramer.'

George · Jerry · Elaine · Kramer:'I don't even like Drake.' / 'Don't like the Drake?' / 'Hate the Drake.' / 'I love the Drake.' / 'Who's the Drake?' / 'The Drake is good.'

Kramer:Kramer enters, admires the freehand triangle, calls it perfect.

Kramer:'I love the name Isosceles. If I had a kid, I would name him Isosceles. Isosceles Kramer.'

George · Kramer:George explains that his father has 'the good spot in front of the good building' and won't move once he has it — doesn't go out for weeks.

Kramer · George:Kramer's scheme: park your car in the good spot to hold it, then take the good car. 'Good thinking.' 'Good to meet you.'

George · Kramer:'Have you ever seen a handicapped person pull into a space and park?' / 'The space is there, they must drive.' / 'No, they don't. If they could drive, they wouldn't be handicapped.'

Kramer:'Handicapped people don't even want to park there. They want to be treated just like everybody else. That's why those spaces are always empty.'

George · Jerry · Elaine · Kramer:George parks in the handicapped spot anyway — 'Go ahead, George.' / 'George!'

George · Jerry · Kramer · Elaine:The group discovers the angry mob surrounding the car and learns about the wheelchair woman's accident from the handicapped spot.

Kramer · George:'I don't get it. Just because the batteries went dead, you'd think she'd be able to roll it up the hill with her hands.' / 'Batteries have gone dead before. Aren't they prepared?' / 'Must have been a rich, spoiled handicapped person who didn't want to do any work.'

Jerry · George · Kramer:Plan to escape the mob: someone screams 'There's the guy who parked in the handicapped spot' pointing in the wrong direction while they run. If that fails: 'We'll give them Kramer.'

Jerry · George · Kramer · Elaine:Visual reaction beat: The gang returns to find Frank Costanza's car has been destroyed by the mob.

Kramer:Kramer announces he's fallen in love with the wheelchair woman — 'I love her, Jerry. I mean, I really love her. I'm gonna ask her to marry me.'

Kramer:'She's got everything I've always wanted in another human being.' [beat] 'Except for the walking.'

Kramer:'What's the difference. You don't go out that much.'

Kramer · Jerry:Leaving the breakup scene: 'Hey, Drake, whatever happens, I'm sure it'll be for the best.' Then: 'The remote.'

Wheelchair Salesman · George · Kramer:Used wheelchair salesman: 'This one's about 8 years old. Not a scratch on it. It was owned by some lady who only used it to go to the kitchen to feed her cats.'

Kramer · Wheelchair Salesman:Kramer takes the wheelchair for a test ride, clearly enjoying himself. The salesman watches: 'I tell you, when I see someone enjoying themselves like that, it reminds me of why I got into this business in the first place.'

Kramer:Kramer bursts in with 'The Drake broke up!' — not knowing they already know

Kramer · George:'So you see, George, the whole incident was a God blessing.' / 'You mean a blessing in disguise?'

Kramer:Kramer announces that Lola broke up with him. 'She rolled right over me.'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer: 'It's over.' / Jerry: 'What's over?' / Kramer: 'Me and Lola.'

Kramer · Jerry · George:'Said I was a hipster doofus. Am I a hipster doofus?'

Kramer · George · Jerry:Kramer pleads: 'Am I beautiful? George, am I beautiful?' — the extended reaction beat as George and Jerry grapple with answering.

Kramer · Jerry:Lola told Kramer to 'drop dead.' / 'Boy, even I never heard that one.'

Jerry · George · Kramer:'Well, we just blew $240 on a wheelchair.' / '$240 bucks?' / 'Well, it was slightly used.' / [George's disgusted reaction]

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer insisting he should play himself in the pilot, arguing about acting ability.

Kramer:Kramer's attempt to demonstrate acting: 'How hard is it to act? You say something, I'll pretend it's funny.'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer's 'test line' for acting: 'My grandmother's in the hospital.' Said in a flat, unconvincing tone, then Jerry's reaction.

Kramer:Kramer insists his grandmother line was better than Jerry's Mars line.

George · Jerry · Kramer:George walks in and catches Jerry and Kramer both laughing at nothing, asks 'Why are you two pretending to be laughing?' — 'We're acting.'

Kramer · Jerry · George:Kramer walks in and finds Jerry and George fake-laughing. 'Why are you two pretending to be laughing?' / 'We're acting.' / 'Oh. Yeah, real good.'

Kramer · George · Jerry:Kramer pushing to audition for his own role: 'Well, at least let me audition.' George and Jerry's horrified reactions.

George · Jerry · Kramer:Kramer is in Jerry's apartment taking phone calls. George: 'He's getting phone calls here now?'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry's sweatpants speech: 'You know the message you're sending out to the world with these sweatpants? You're telling the world, I give up! I can't compete in normal society. I'm miserable, so I might as well be comfortable.'

Kramer · Jerry:The NBC call comes in — and Kramer is the one who answers it, delays Jerry, and then HANGS UP on NBC ('I'll call you back') before giving Jerry the phone.

Kramer · NBC executive · Jerry:Kramer himself walks into the audition under the alias 'Martin Van Nostrand,' and the NBC executive recognizes him from Calvin Klein underwear ads.

Kramer · NBC Casting Person:The Calvin Klein underwear model reveal: One of the casting people recognizes Kramer/Van Nostrand as 'the guy from the Calvin Klein underwear ads.' Kramer confirms: 'That's true.'

Kramer:Kramer comes in eating a peach, dramatically spitting it out: 'Bad peach? It's terrible!'

Kramer · Joe:Kramer demands restitution for the bad peach. Joe: 'Once I put it out, it ends for me.' Kramer: 'You gotta stand behind your fruit.'

Kramer:'You know, this whole place is going downhill. I could've come in here last week with a bad plum, but I let it go.'

Joe · Kramer:'Take your business elsewhere. I don't want your business.' / 'Now you don't want my business?' / 'I don't. And at this moment, you're banned from this store. You're banned!'

Kramer:'But what am I gonna do for fruit?'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer asks Jerry to buy fruit for him because he's been banned. 'What am I gonna do for fruit?' Kramer can't go back.

Jerry · Kramer · George:Jerry creates a fruit list for Kramer: five mangoes, avocado, plums red on the inside, plantains. George protests each item.

Kramer:Kramer tries the mango: 'I feel like I got a B12 shot.' / 'This is like a taste explosion.' / 'I think it moved.'

Elaine · Jerry · George · Kramer:Well, move in here. — What's that? — Why doesn't he just move in here? — Yeah, I'll move in with him. He doesn't let you use the toilet.

Kramer · George:You can move in with me if you want. — Thank you. I... That might not work out.

Kramer · Jerry:It's, like, a puffy shirt. Well, yeah, it's all puffy. Like the pirates used to wear. — Oh, a puffy shirt. — Puffy. Yeah. See, I think people wanna look like pirates.

Kramer:It's the right time for it. To be all puffy and devil-may-care, you know.

Kramer · Leslie:Jerry's gonna be on the Today show on Friday... He's promoting a benefit for Goodwill. You know, they clothe the poor and the homeless. — And the indigent. — And the indigent, yeah.

Kramer · Leslie:Kramer nodding and 'Sure. Yeah. Oh, yeah. Yeah. Yep. Yep. Yep, yep.' to Leslie the low-talker while clearly not hearing her.

Jerry · Kramer:Since I what? — Agreed to wear the puffy shirt. — What are you talking about?

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry holding up and staring at the puffy shirt in dawning horror — 'This? — Yeah. — I agreed to wear this? — Yeah, yeah.'

Jerry · Kramer:I didn't know what she was talking about. I couldn't hear her. — I was just nodding.

Kramer · Jerry:You're gonna be the first pirate. — But I don't wanna be a pirate.

Kramer · Jerry:Now, that's a great-looking shirt. — Aye, captain. Yeah. See, I'm glad I ironed it. It's perfect. Look at it. It's fantastic.

Elaine · Kramer:What is that? — It's the puffy shirt. Look at it, huh? What do you think? Is it cool or what?

Kramer · George:Hot, hot. — I'm sorry. — McKigney had a few good years.

George · Kramer:How do you forget to turn off an iron? — I was excited Jerry was putting on the puffy shirt.

Kramer · Jerry:My whole life is ruined because of the puffy shirt. — It didn't do me any good either. That benefit was the worst show I ever did.

Elaine · Kramer:Well, it got me fired from the benefit committee. You know, all those stores canceled out on her. She's finished. — We're finished. — Really? What happened? — I just can't be with someone whose life is in complete disarray.

Jerry · George · Kramer:Why doesn't he just move in here? — Yeah, I'll move in with him. He doesn't let you use the toilet.

Kramer · Mrs. Costanza:Hey, I got a terrific joke for you. — I'm not interested. — No, no. It's really funny. There's these two guys... — Tell it to the audience.

Kramer · Jerry:I had this idea for a pizza place where you make your own pie. — Right. — That was a good one. — Well...

Kramer:She's come up with a new one that'll be the big new look in men's fashions. It's, like, a puffy shirt. Like the pirates used to wear.

Kramer:See, I think people wanna look like pirates. It's the right time for it. To be all puffy and devil-may-care, you know.

Kramer · Leslie · Jerry:Jerry's gonna be on the Today show on Friday... promoting a benefit for Goodwill. They clothe the poor and the homeless. And the indigent. — And the indigent, yeah.

Jerry · Kramer:Since I what? — Agreed to wear the puffy shirt. — What are you talking about?

Jerry · Kramer:Well, when did I do that? — When we went to dinner the other night. — What are you crazy? What were you talking about when I went to the bathroom? — I don't know. I couldn't understand a word she said. I was just nodding. — There you go.

Kramer · Jerry:Well, you gotta wear it now. All those stores are stocking it based on the condition you'll wear this on the show. The factory in New Jersey is already making them. — They're making these? — This pirate trend she's come up with... This is gonna be the new look for the '90s. You're gonna be the first pirate. — But I don't wanna be a pirate.

Leslie · Jerry · Kramer:Leslie (the low-talker) screams 'You bastard!' audibly for the first time. Jerry: 'Did you hear that?' Kramer: 'That I heard.'

George · Jerry · Kramer:McKigney had a few good years. — How do you forget to turn off an iron? — I was excited Jerry was putting on the puffy shirt. — My whole life is ruined because of the puffy shirt.

Kramer:Kramer: 'How do you forget to turn off an iron?' then immediately answers: 'I was excited Jerry was putting on the puffy shirt.'

Jerry · Kramer:Some of those heckles were really uncalled for. 'Avast ye, matey'? What the hell does that mean? — 'Twenty degrees off the starboard side. It's a Spanish galleon.' There's no comeback for that.

Kramer · Jerry:You know, all those stores canceled out on her. She's finished. — We're finished. — Really? What happened? — I just can't be with someone whose life is in complete disarray.

Kramer:Kramer: 'You know, it's really not a bad-looking shirt.'

George · Kramer:I don't know how you can let this guy handle your money. / Not my money — he handles Jerry's money. He just does my taxes.

Jerry · George · Kramer:What was all that sniffing? / I don't know. / You don't think...? / Oh, no. Come on, Jerry.

Kramer:Did he use a lot of slang? Did he use the word 'man'? / No, he didn't use 'man.' / When he was leaving, did he say, 'I'm splitting'?

George · Kramer:You think that's a bad sign? / Yes, that's what they do. They live in the bathroom.

Jerry · Kramer:I don't know. This sweater really itches me. / You want it? / Yeah.

Kramer:Yeah, and they come back with things taped to their large intestine.

Kramer:You know, like Abscam. Like Abscam, Jerry.

Newman · Kramer · George · Jerry:What's today? / It's Thursday. / Really? / Feels like Tuesday. / Tuesday has no feel. Monday has a feel. Friday has a feel. Sunday has a feel. / I feel Tuesday and Wednesday. / Shut up, the both of you.

Kramer · Jerry:All right, I'm going in. / Be careful, Kramer.

Kramer · Bartender:I'll have a brewski, Charlie. / The name's Mitch.

Kramer:Yeah, I've been known to drink a beer or two. But then again, I've been known to do a lot of things.

Kramer · Barry:Cigarette? / No, no. I never touch them. / Well... I suck them down like Coca-Cola.

Kramer:Here's to feeling good all the time.

Kramer:Well... here's to feeling good all the time, huh?

Kramer · Barry:Looks like you got yourself a little cold there, huh, fella? / I don't think so. / Me neither.

Kramer · Barry:You should try this new dental floss, Glide. It's fantastic. / I use Dentotape. / You should try this. / I don't wanna. / Not even once? / No. / You know, you're an idiot. / Why, because I use Dentotape? / Right. Anyone who uses Dentotape is an idiot.

Kramer · Barry:South America, huh? / Yeah, yeah. That's a burgeoning continent. / Well, they are expanding their economic base, yeah.

Barry · Kramer:Excuse me, I gotta go to the bathroom. / I'm hip. / Hip to what? / To the whole scene. / What scene? / The bathroom scene.

Barry · Kramer:Listen, don't take this personally, but when I come back, I'm sitting over there. / Whatever turns you on.

Barry · Kramer:No, no, I don't like it. / What do you mean, you don't like it? How could you not like it? / I like the thick tape.

Kramer:Hey. What kind of nut are you?

George · Kramer · Jerry:Kramer, what is this? / It's a sweater. / What is it made out of? / I don't know. Jerry gave it to me. / It's mohair, I think. / Mohair. That figures. / I'm allergic to mohair.

Kramer · Jerry:See? I told you he wasn't a drug addict. / Oh, no, the letter.

Kramer:You know, you are really lucky Newman never mailed that letter.

George · Jerry · Kramer:He's filing Chapter 11? / What's going on? Why is he filing Chapter 11? / Bankruptcy. / Bankruptcy. As in, 'I've taken your money and spent it on drugs.'

Kramer:Kramer, wandering the hospital, asks a random person for directions — '1937, 1937. Excuse me, do you know where the elevator is? Yeah, it's right around the corner there. 1937.'

Kramer · Stan:Oh, God! It's a pig-man. A pig-man! So anyway, Jerry, Elaine, we have something we wanna ask you.

Kramer:Kramer barges in: 'Hey, I just saw a pig-man. A pig-man. He was sleeping, and then he woke up and he looked at me and he made this horrible sound, this: [makes pig sound]'

Kramer · Jerry:—Kramer, it's a tradition. —So was sacrificing virgins to appease the gods, but we don't do that anymore. —Well, maybe we should.

Kramer:Don't ever question my instincts, because my instincts are honed.

Kramer · Jerry:Pig-man, baby, pig-man. — If I have to hear about this pig-man one more time...

Kramer:The government's been experimenting with pig-men since the '50s. They're probably creating a whole army of pig warriors.

Kramer · George:—Besides, it makes sex more pleasurable. —Yeah. So how does that help me?

Kramer:Somewhere in this hospital, the anguished oink of pig-man cries out for help.

George · Kramer · Jerry:—The pig-man can take the bus. —George, if the pig-man had a car, he would give you a ride. —How do you know? What if the pig-man had a two-seater? —Be realistic, George.

Kramer:Kramer confronts a nurse about the pig-man's location, making pig noises: 'The oink, oink... You know what I mean! Pork. Sausage. That's all, folks.'

Kramer · Jerry · Elaine:So any word from the pig-man? — No. — No. — And he's not a pig-man, is he? — No, he's not. He's just a fat little mental patient.

Kramer:Kramer to Jerry: 'Don't ever go against the family, Jerry.'

Kramer · Jerry:Hey, Jerry, do me a favor. Next time you see that lineswoman...ask her how those ball boys get those jobs. I would love to be able to do that. / I think perhaps you've overlooked one of the key aspects of this activity.

Jerry · Elaine · George · Kramer:It's ball boys, not ball men. There are no ball men. / Well, there ought to be ball men. / All right, I'll talk to her. You wanna be a ball man, go ahead. Break the ball barrier.

George · Kramer:Kramer, how long was I on? / It felt like eight seconds. / One-1000. Two-1000. Three-1000...

Kramer · Jerry:What are you doing tonight? / I got a date with Laura, the lineswoman. / Why?

Kramer:What are you doing? / I was just gonna wander the streets. / I don't want to tag along with you or anything.

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer appears at Jerry's door, sees Jerry has a date, and responds: 'Why?' then announces he 'was just gonna wander the streets.'

Young Tryout Person · Kramer:Hey, pops, isn't there a better way to spend your twilight years? / Well, I may be old, but I'm spry.

Kramer:Hey, guess who's gonna be the new ball man for the finals? / They said they never saw anybody go after balls with such gusto.

Kramer · Jerry:Can I borrow her for a few hours tomorrow? / No. Then I'd have to lend her to everybody.

Kramer · George:They said 'sweep together,' idiots. Not 'sleep together.' / Look, I know how to sign. / My eye! My eye!

Tennis Center Person · Kramer:Hey, how about that ball man injuring Monica Seles? Wasn't that something? / I'm deaf.

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry on the phone: 'I ad-libbed, like, 10 new minutes' — about his show last night; 'Did you tape it?' 'Yeah.' 'Right there. I got it.'

Kramer · Elaine:Kramer tells Elaine to her face that she's 'getting heavy' and has put on '5, 10 pounds'

Kramer · Jerry:After insulting Elaine, Kramer immediately turns to Jerry: '...you're looking a little chunky yourself'

Jerry · Elaine · Kramer:Jerry and Elaine weigh themselves and discover they've gained 7 and 8 pounds respectively

Kramer · Elaine:When Elaine asks about her weight, Kramer says: 'You? You're getting old.'

Jerry · Kramer:Maybe your yogurt isn't so nonfat. Oh, guess again, tubby.

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer's bet: 'I will put myself on an all-yogurt diet for a week.' Jerry: 'Well, let's start the insanity.' Kramer: 'Giddyup.'

Kramer:Kramer boasts about cutting in front of a granny in a line: 'I said, "Nice try, granny," and I sent her to the back of the line.'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer rushes the yogurt sample to the lab, worried it's melting. Jerry says 'So what?' Kramer: 'It changes the molecules.' Jerry: 'You don't know what you're talking about.' Kramer: 'Hey, fatso, I got a 90 in biology.'

Kramer · Jerry:Jerry wants to ask out the chemist. Kramer: 'You can't take that chemist out. Because she's like the jury. She's gotta be sequestered.'

Jerry · Elaine · Kramer:Jerry: 'I think the whole thing stinks.' Elaine: 'It smells. Smells bad.' Kramer: 'Smells really bad.' Jerry: 'That's enough. With the smells.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry and Kramer break into the lab at night with a Bunsen burner to test the yogurt themselves

Kramer:Kramer in the dark lab: 'You want a taste? It's cappuccino.' — offering jerry a sip from a test tube

Kramer:After tasting the lab yogurt, Kramer pauses: '...you tell me.' — implying it definitely has fat

Kramer:Kramer is still furious about the yogurt losing its nonfat status — 'Nametags! Nametags! What kind of an idiot thinks anybody would be interested in that idea?' — not realizing he's ranting about George's idea

Jerry · Elaine · Kramer:The group mourns the yogurt being confirmed as fat: 'The old yogurt was so much better. Oh, this is terrible.' 'Oh, it stinks.' 'Mine too.' 'I got one more day.' 'I can't eat this.'

Jerry · Elaine · Kramer:The news report reveals Giuliani's high cholesterol was caused by blood from the yogurt lab sample contaminating his test tube — and this yogurt scandal 'probably clinched the election for the Republican.'

Kramer:I can't eat this. [Kramer suffering through his all-yogurt diet]

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer enters freshly groomed: 'Shower? / Haircut.' — Jerry's impressed reaction at Kramer's great haircut

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer: 'Wouldn't let that butcher cut my hair. What butcher? The uncle: Enzo. Jerry uses him.' Jerry: 'I've been going to him for 12 years. I can't switch. I'd hurt his feelings.'

Kramer · Jerry:I could raise enough money to cure polio. / I believe they've had a cure for polio for quite some time.

Gino · Jerry · Kramer:Gino: 'You've outdone yourself this time. This is the best haircut I've ever had.' — immediately followed by Kramer's horrified reaction

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry: 'What if I shampoo? Sometimes a shampoo helps.' Kramer: 'You gotta start seeing somebody else. Get out of this relationship.'

Kramer:Kramer: 'No way my Gino did that. It's an Enzo.' — diagnosing the haircut like a medical examiner

Kramer:Kramer: 'I'm not gonna let you. Now, if you don't call him, I will.' — threatening to call Jerry's barber

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry debriefs the close call: 'In the one minute that he worked on me, I could tell he was really good. Yeah. Slow, gentle, attentive.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry: 'Enzo picked up one of my hairs. I think he knew.' Kramer: 'No, he doesn't know. He knows my hair. You're just imagining things.'

Jerry · Kramer · Elaine:Kramer: 'Take the K-Man.' Elaine: 'You can still go.' Jerry looks at Kramer. Kramer: 'Ya think?' Jerry: 'Do I think? He's repugnant.'

Jerry · Kramer:He knows about us. How do you know? Because I know. He's crazy. All morning, he looking at the hair. He staring at the hair!

Jerry · Gino · Kramer:Who is it? / It's Newman. / He was in the shop with Enzo. He can't see me here. / Go in the bedroom. / Use the fire escape.

Elaine · Kramer:Bachelor auction: Kramer is introduced as 'number 124.' His bio: 'He is, um... He's a high school graduate.' Pause. 'Equivalency. A high school equivalency program graduate.'

Jerry · Kramer:How many times do I have to go out with her before I get a massage? / Jerry, she gives massages all day. She doesn't want to give them on dates. / Yeah, I know. She just wants to have sex.

Kramer:Kramer entering to reveal he got a massage from Jodi. 'I am looser than creamed corn.'

Kramer:No one hails a cab like me. My hailing technique is unmatched. See, I get the wrist going side to side and boom! Cabs are crashing into themselves to just pick me up.

Kramer:Feminists aside, I know women like the door-holding.

Kramer:But first, she sets the mood perfectly with this New Age music played over ocean sounds. Then she lays you out on this table, and she proceeds to rub oil over your entire body. And she rubs long and deep.

Kramer:Jerry, she rubs with love.

Jerry · Kramer:The massages are out! Aah! They're out! / What--? / Why? / Because if I can't get one, you're not getting one!

Kramer · Jerry:I'm sorry, Kramer. / Why? Look, I paid for her!

Kramer · Will Call Attendant:Uh, yeah, a ticket for Kramer? Here it is. I need some ID.

Kramer:Come on, just look at me, huh? Now tell me I'm not Kramer.

Kramer · Will Call Attendant:I'll drive out here tomorrow, and I'll show you the ID. I got nothing to do all day. / Neither do I.

Kramer · Jerry:Oh, God. What's the matter with you? Jerry, I need another massage. You just had one yesterday. What do you need another one for? Because of the Giant game! I told you, it went overtime. You know those seats. They're very unforgiving.

Kramer · Jerry:And then the game-winning field goal went over the net and into the crowd, and I dove over three rows! My back, it's killing me! / Well, did you get the ball? / Oh, I got the ball. / Well, I never even caught a foul ball at a baseball game. / Well, it's quite a thrill.

Kramer:You know what would make a great coffee-table book? A coffee-table book about coffee tables.

Kramer:Like a history of coffee tables. Celebrities and their coffee tables.

Kramer:It's a natural. This is a story that must be told.

Kramer · Jerry:Hey, Jerry, look what I got. [Kramer arrives with something — presumably the TV Guide or the bowling ball]

Elaine · Kramer:Kramer, it is such a dumb idea. I'd be totally embarrassed to bring it up. / Wait a minute... I thought it was a pretty good idea.

Kramer · Jerry:It's about coffee tables, it's on a coffee table. Yeah, right. And on the cover is a built-in coaster.

Kramer · Frank Costanza:It's a bouquet of paper from her TV Guide. — That's my TV Guide, ripped to shreds!

Kramer:I don't understand. How can you have a cigar store without an Indian? It's unseemly.

Kramer:I don't understand. How can you have a cigar store without an Indian? It's unseemly.

Kramer · Mr. Lippman's Rep:Give you $500 for it? / Giddyup. / Could you help me bring it up to my office? I'm right next door. Pendant Publishing. / Pendant Publishing. Giddyup again.

Publishing executive · Kramer:Could you help me bring it up to my office? I'm right next door. Pendant Publishing. — Pendant Publishing. Giddyup again.

Mr. Lippman · Kramer · Elaine:About coffee tables? That's fantastic. / Who's your publisher? / I'm still shopping it around. / Yeah? You see? This is the kind of idea you should be coming in with.

Mr. Lippman · Elaine · Kramer:What the hell do you do around here all day anyway? / Well, I read manuscripts... / The Indian really completes the room. / Don't you think?

Mr. Lippman · Estelle Costanza · Kramer:I know this coffee table. It's George Costanza's. / It's mine. I'm his mother. / Oh, I haven't seen George for a while. He must be working very hard. / George doesn't work. He's a bum. That's why he lives at home with us.

Kramer · Man on subway · Elaine:Elaine! — Well, I guess your boyfriend's gonna have to catch the next train. — He's not my boyfriend. — He's not? — Interesting.

George · Kramer:Kramer arrives carrying lobster; George sees it and says 'What's that?' Kramer: 'Lobster.' George stares.

Kramer · Elaine:Kramer eating the lobster in Jerry's apartment: 'This is delicious.' Elaine: 'Succulent.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry: 'I did not break the seal. There was no breaking and entering. I wouldn't do that.' Kramer: 'I would. I always open medicine cabinets.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry: 'I trust people not to do that.' Kramer: 'Big mistake.'

Kramer · Sister Roberta:Kramer meets Sister Roberta in the church: 'Oh, Kramer, yeah. It's a pleasure.' Sister Roberta: 'Mine.'

Kramer · George:Kramer: 'And what is Brother Costanza planning on telling Mother Costanza?' George: 'Brother Costanza will be taking the vow of silence.'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer is given a Slinky by Sister Roberta. Jerry asks why. Kramer: 'Well, I think she liked me.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry: 'Kramer, they like everybody. They're friendly people.' Kramer: 'I think I picked up on a vibe.'

Kramer:Kramer: 'Jerry, I'm telling you, I have this power... and I have no control over it.'

George · Kramer:George is studying for his conversion test. Kramer reads a question: 'Latvius was the son of which apostle?' George: 'And I'll need that in the form of a question.'

George · Kramer:George is caught cheating on his conversion test — he has 'Matthew. Luke. Paul.' written on his hand.

Kramer:Kramer announces Sister Roberta told him she's 'never had a man stir up all these feelings inside of her' and is 'questioning her faith' and 'thinking of leaving the Church.'

Kramer:Kramer: 'All this power! Look what I'm doing. I'm dangerous, Jerry. I'm very, very dangerous!'

Priest · Kramer:The priest explains 'kavorca' — 'a Latvian word which means the lure of the animal.' Kramer: 'I don't understand.' Priest: 'Women are drawn to you. They would give anything to be possessed by you.'

Kramer:Kramer: 'Help me, Father. Help me!'

Priest · Kramer:The priest's solution to Kramer's kavorca: garlic, vinegar, and a mysterious recipe — Kramer interrupts: 'What is that stench? I got it.'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer arrives back at Jerry's apartment reeking of vinegar, with a garlic necklace: 'I've got the kavorca. The lure of the animal. I'm dangerous. I just bathed in vinegar.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry: 'You know, you're funkifying the whole building. Keep away, Jerry. Just keep away.'

Kramer:After the kavorca remedy is applied, Kramer tests it — a woman says 'Get away from me, you creep.' Kramer: 'Yes. Yes, it worked!'

Kramer:Kramer, now free of his kavorca, runs through the street to catch Sister Roberta before she leaves the church forever.

Sister Roberta · George · Priest · Kramer:At George's ceremony: 'Congratulations, George. Welcome to the faith. Sister Roberta, would you please offer the final benediction?' Sister Roberta: 'I can't. I'm sorry. It's a beautiful religion... but I am not worthy of it. I've found something else.' She points to Kramer.

Kramer · Sister Roberta:After the kavorca cure, Kramer no longer feels the lure around Sister Roberta: 'Something's wrong. I don't feel the same lure.' Sister Roberta: 'You don't?' Kramer: 'What have I..? I must return to the Church.'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer asking to use Jerry's phone because his batteries are dead: 'It's not one of those 976 calls, is it?'

Kramer:Kramer: 'Jerry, I'm telling you, this phone-sex thing is hilarious. Like this Erica woman. Here, look. You gotta call her. What a voice she uses.'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry: 'You know, I hate to tell you this, but it is time to defrost your freezer.' Kramer: 'I know. I just can't bring myself to do it. Meanwhile that freezer keeps getting smaller and smaller.'

George · Kramer:George: 'I am definitely down for some rock climbing.' / 'Yeah, me too. I am down. I am totally down.' / 'Mark me down.'

Kramer:Kramer: 'Tony, that's gonna be too many sandwiches.'

Kramer · George:Kramer: 'You know, I think that you're in love with him.' Long pause. George: 'What? That's ridiculous!'

Kramer · George:Kramer: 'You love him.' Another beat. George: 'You better be careful on those rocks tomorrow, buddy. And you're not getting any sandwiches either!'

George · Kramer:Kramer: 'George, let go of my leg! Grab the rock!' / George: 'What rock?' / Kramer: 'The rock in front of you!'

Kramer:Tony 'took a bit of a tumble' — the understated announcement of a serious rock-climbing accident.

Kramer:Kramer: 'Well, it all depends on what you mean by happen.'

Elaine · Kramer · George:The slow revelation of the rock — 'A rock.' / 'Yeah.' / 'A big rock.' — with escalating specificity suggesting increasing disfigurement.

Kramer:Kramer: 'Well, aside from that, how'd he like the sandwiches?'

Kramer · Jane:Kramer meeting Jane: 'Well, hello, Jane.' / 'Jerry's told me so much about you, I feel like I know you intimately.' / 'I don't think so. No, we never met. I never talked to you on the phone.'

Kramer · Jane:Kramer meets Jane: 'Jerry's told me so much about you, I feel like I know you intimately.' / Jane: 'I don't think so. No, we never met. I never talked to you on the phone.'

Kramer:Kramer: 'Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?' / 'Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?' / 'Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?'

Jerry · Kramer:Jerry: 'All right. That's enough.' / 'Yeah!'

Kramer · Jerry:Kramer: 'It's all set. Erica's gonna meet me here. Now we're gonna find out the truth.' Jerry: 'How'd you get her to meet you here?' Kramer: 'We have a certain chemistry.'

Jane · Kramer:Jane walks in: 'Hi. I thought I'd find you here.' Kramer: 'Hello, Erica.' Jane: 'Erica? What are you talking about? Selling sexual pleasure on the phone? I sell paper goods, you jerk.'

Jerry · Elaine · Kramer · Jane:Jerry and Elaine reconcile by giving each other paper goods: Jerry hands Elaine a napkin, she thanks him. Kramer and Jane exchange phone-calls cut-off.

Jane · Kramer:Kramer's phone buzzes; Jane: 'Don't call me anymore.' / Kramer (immediately): 'You either.'

George · Jerry · Kramer:George enters wearing an enormous, immobilizing Gore-Tex coat. Jerry and Kramer stare, bewildered.

Kramer · George:Look at this. Hey, George, can you feel this? Can you..?

Kramer:You are. I can't get that thing in my car.

George · Kramer · Jerry:Where's the heat in this car? Come on. Warm me up. / It's cold. Give us a little squeeze. / Get off of me.

George · Kramer:You're comfortable up there, bubble boy. / Oh, yeah. You wish you had this coat.

Kramer · Jerry:Oh, here we go. / What? / Why don't we get them a couch. We'll rent a U-Haul. We'll bring them a nice sectional.

Kramer · Jerry:Why don't you just get some Ring Dings from the liquor store. / Ring Dings? / Ring Dings are better than anything at a bakery.

George · Kramer:Hey, your lights are on! / It's a funeral procession.

Kramer · Jerry:You, whatever your name is. / Jerry.

George · Kramer:George and Kramer debate who should go into the liquor store vs. wait in the cold car — each refusing to be the one who suffers.

George · Kramer:Does the heater work in this car? / No.

Kramer · George:What do you say we get a Mouton Cadet? / What's that? / It's a Bordeaux. Robust, bold, very dry, as opposed to a Beaujolais, which is richer and fruitier.

Kramer · George:All right, here's one. Twelve dollars. / Twelve dollars? / We should've gone to the bakery. They're not getting no 12-dollar cake.

Kramer:Throws your hips off-kilter.

Kramer · George:So where's your money? / I never take it. / So, what do you do? / Oh, I get by.

George · Kramer:What are we doing? / Just get some gum or something.

George · Kramer · Newsstand vendor:Pack of gum. Here you go. / What, it's a hundred? I can't change a hundred. / Why not? / You gotta buy more than that. / Here. Get a newspaper. / Newspaper. / Not enough. / Clark Bar. / Clark Bar. / Keep going.

Kramer · George:George, get a Penthouse Forum. / I'm not getting a Penthouse Forum.

Kramer · George:No, that'll make great dinner-party conversation. We'll read the letters at the dinner table. / Oh, that's nice. / You ever read one of these? / It's not real. They're all made up. / Oh, it's real.

Kramer · George:Penthouse Forum. / Newspaper, gum, Clark Bar.

Kramer:Big coat! Big coat!

George · Kramer:It's Gore-Tex. / We better be careful with that thing. / You'll start a war.

George · Kramer:All right, we got the wine. Aren't we lucky? We got wine. / Imagine if we didn't bring the wine. We'd be shunned by society. Outcasts. 'Where's your wine? Get out!'

George · Kramer:Someone double-parked and blocked us in. / Does anybody know whose car that is?

George · Kramer:I really cannot comprehend how stupid people can be sometimes. / Can you comprehend it? / No, I can't comprehend it. / We can put a man on the moon, but we're still basically very stupid.

George · Kramer:The guy whose car this is could be the guy that built the rocket. / You see what I'm saying? / He could build the rocket. He's still stupid for double-parking and blocking somebody in.

Kramer:On one hand, he's smart with rockets. On the other, he's dumb with parking.