The Maid

George:I'm out there, Jerry, and I got nothing. Nothing!

Jerry:You want to take a break?

George:No, I want to stop. I'm tired of fighting it. I'm tired of the struggle.

Jerry:So what do you want to do?

George:I don't know.

Jerry:Well, you got to do something. You want to come back to my apartment and have some coffee?

George:Yeah, okay.

George:George. It's such a stupid name. I mean, think about it. It's so plain, so common. There's no flash to it, no sense of danger. I'm the only George I know, and yet I feel like there's a million of me.

George:I want a nickname that when people hear it, they go 'Ooh!'

Jerry:Like Madonna?

George:Yeah! Exactly!

Jerry:You want people to call you T-Bone? What does the T stand for?

George:It's just T-Bone. You don't need to know what the T stands for.

Jerry:George, your name is George. Why don't you just go with G-Bone?

Jerry:What about G-Bone?

George:G-Bone? I like that. That's got a nice ring to it.

Jerry:Yeah, G-Bone. That's a good nickname.

George:Wait, what about G-Spot?

Jerry:G-Spot? That's a myth.

George:A myth? It's not a myth!

George:Kramer, you're performing at a rodeo?

Kramer:Yeah, I'm doing a bit.

George:What's your qualification for that?

Kramer:Well, I once dated a woman whose cousin worked at a ranch.

Kramer:Yeah, well, I was on the bus, and I may have gotten a little out of hand with the Kenny Rogers chicken.

Kramer:So the driver told me to get off, and I got off. I'm not gonna make a scene.

Jerry:You got thrown off a bus?

Kramer:I was asked to leave. There's a difference.

Jerry:Why are we whispering? She's not going to understand us anyway.

Elaine:She wants to be a professional dancer, an actress, a singer...

Jerry:A yodeler.

Elaine:A yodeler.

Jerry:A yodeler.

Kramer:The profound difference is... different chain store locations

Kramer:I had a 718 number. Do you know what that's like? It's like wearing a scarlet letter on your chest.

Kramer:I couldn't get a date, I couldn't get a job interview. People would see that number and just... dismiss me.

Kramer:I'm telling you, I spent years in therapy trying to get over that 718 number.

Elaine:I don't know what's in my apartment.

George:So what you're saying is, you're living in a place, but you don't know what's actually there?

Elaine:I guess so.

George:That's not an apartment. That's a hole. You're living in a hole.

George:You know, I've been coming to Monk's for years. I always order the same thing: a T-bone steak, medium rare. The waiters know me, they see me come in, they say, 'Here comes T-Bone.' That's what they call me.

Coworker:No they don't.

George:Yes they do! I'm T-Bone. That's my thing. I got the nickname from—

Coworker:George, nobody calls you T-Bone.

Office Coworkers:T-Bone! T-Bone! T-Bone!

George:Jerry, it's George. I'm calling to tell you about this woman I met, she's got red hair, she's from Wisconsin, and—

Answering Machine:BEEP

Elaine:You're not in a relationship, you're in a job!

Jerry:...

Elaine:And you don't even get dental.

Jerry:Look, it's not like I did anything wrong. She came over to clean, we talked, one thing led to another...

Jerry:It was a consensual encounter between two adults in a private residence.

Jerry:I mean, technically, she was still on the clock, but that's just a formality.

Jerry:We have a very sophisticated relationship. We respect each other's space, we have intellectual conversations, we appreciate the finer things.

Elaine:So you're sleeping together.

Kramer:I'm not getting my faxes anymore.

Jerry:Why not?

Kramer:I didn't pay my bill.

Jerry:So they cut you off?

Kramer:Yeah. I guess you could say I'm not getting any fax.

Elaine:So if I were to kill someone, how would I do it?

Phone Company Worker:What?

Elaine:I'm just curious. Hypothetically.

Phone Company Worker:I can't help you with that.

Elaine:Why not? You work for the phone company. You must know things.

Elaine:You realize we could murder each other with impunity right now.

Phone Worker:Yeah, I know.

Kramer:You see, Jerry, the TV signal travels at different speeds depending on the cable routing. Downtown is probably on a delay.

Jerry:So what you're saying is downtown is in a different time zone?

Kramer:Exactly! It's like Hawaii, but with more traffic.

Jerry:I'm gonna tell everyone I know that downtown operates on a completely separate time zone. 'Sorry I'm late, I was in the Eastern time zone.'

George:I can't be T-Bone. T-Bone's a guy who takes what he wants. That's like a personal nickname, you gotta earn that. You can't just be T-Bone.

George:I'm gonna be T-Bone Pickens. No, no... I'm just George Costanza.

Kramer:So you're sleeping with the maid?

Jerry:No, no, I'm not sleeping with the maid.

Kramer:Hey, hey, no judgment.

Kramer:You ever have an ostrich burger?

Elaine:Well, you see, they needed a new area code, so they took 212 and they divided it by... 3. 212 divided by 3 is 70.666... So they rounded it up to 71, and then they added a 6 in front and a 6 in back. That's how you get 646.

George:Watkins! I know what you're doing. You're taking credit for my T-Bone idea!

Watkins:What are you talking about, Costanza?

George:Don't 'what are you talking about' me! I came up with T-Bone. Me! And now you're gonna steal it and take it to Pendant Publishing like it's your own idea!

George:From this moment on, I'm going by a new name. You can call me T-Bone.

Kramer:T-Bone?

George:Yeah. T-Bone. It's a strong name. It exudes confidence.

Jerry:You look more like a Bobo.

Elaine:Or a monkey.

George:A monkey? Why would you say that?

Elaine:I don't know, you just have that monkey quality.

George:Well, fine. From now on, call me Monkey.

Coworker 1:Koko! Koko! Koko!

Coworker 2:Koko! Koko!

Multiple Coworkers:Koko! Koko! Koko! Koko!

Elaine:Oh my God, Mrs. Krants is dead?

Elaine:Wait, what about the phone number?

Jerry:It's not like a real relationship. She comes in, she does her job, she leaves. There's no emotional entanglement, no expectations, no complications.

Elaine:You're sleeping with your maid.

Kramer:Well, my maid comes in every Thursday. She cleans up, we have a little wine, little cheese...

Jerry:Kramer, that's a date.

Kramer:No, no, no. She's my maid.

Jerry:She's making a move on you!

Kramer:A move? What are you talking about?

Jerry:Wine and cheese, Kramer. That's foreplay.

Kramer:Foreplay? For what?

Jerry:Did Mrs. Krantz mind giving up her number?

Elaine:Well, she's dead.

George:Wait, so you're telling me your mother died?

Kramer:No, no, no. My mother didn't die. I said my mother made a pie.

Jerry:A pie?

Kramer:Yeah, a big one. Apple pie.

George:So nobody died?

Kramer:No! Why would you think that?

George:It's not Koko, it's Coco. C-O-C-O.

Jerry:What's the difference?

George:What's the difference? It's completely different! One is a gorilla, the other is a chocolate drink.

Jerry:You're too needy, Kramer. You're always coming over here, always asking for something.

Kramer:Needy? I'm not needy!

Jerry:You are. You need to be more independent.

Kramer:Fine! Fine, I don't need you! I don't need anybody! I am a island, Jerry. A island!

Jerry:I'm not a maid, and I'm not a prostitute. I'm a *professional*.

Cindy:A professional what?

Jerry:A professional... person.

Bobby:Grandma? Grandma, are you there?

Bobby:I'm sorry I didn't visit. I'm sorry I didn't call.

Bobby:Grandma, please say something. Anything.

Bobby:I know this is my fault.

Kramer:You know, I'm at the corner of First and First. It's like standing on the edge of the universe.

Kramer:How can the same street intersect with itself? It's not possible, unless... we're in some kind of parallel dimension.

Kramer:This isn't just an intersection. This is a metaphor for life. First and First means you're at the beginning twice.

Kramer:Maybe I'm not lost. Maybe I'm exactly where I need to be.

Jerry:You're lost in downtown Manhattan. Just stay where you are. I'm coming to pick you up.

Jerry:Don't try to find your way out. You'll only get more lost. It's like a wilderness survival situation.

Jerry:Find some shelter, build a fire, ration your water. I'll be there as soon as I can.

Elaine:I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. She was a wonderful woman.

Bobby:Thank you. She really was.

Elaine:I'm sure she's up there right now, having the time of her life.

Bobby:What?

Elaine:You know, just... enjoying herself. Living it up.

Elaine:So Bobby, your grandmother passed away.

Elaine:Yeah, she's dead. Gone. Kaput.

Maxwell:You owe me for three months of maid service, Jerry. This is unacceptable.

Jerry:Maxwell, Maxwell... I appreciate your concern, but let me explain something to you about the service industry. It's all about nuance, sophistication, a certain... je ne sais quoi.

Maxwell:Je ne sais quoi? You haven't paid your bill!

Jerry:Exactly. See? You're getting it already.

George:I had it all figured out. Coco would take care of Koko, and I'd finally be free of that nickname.

Kruger:Costanza, what are you talking about?

George:The nicknames, Mr. Kruger. Koko, then Coco... it was supposed to work.

Kruger:You know what? Everybody's calling you Koko again anyway. The whole thing fell apart.

George:Back to Koko? No!

Coco:My grandmother isn't gammy, she's just old!

George:So what, now she's 'Gammy'? That's it, I'm calling her Gammy from now on.

George:Why does everyone keep doing that? George doesn't like it when people talk about George in the third person!