The Puerto Rican Day

Jerry:I'm starving, I had nothing to eat at the ballpark.

George:What do you mean? You were eating the whole time.

Jerry:Eating? I wasn't eating, I was participating in a ballpark experience. That's not food, that's an activity.

Jerry:You know what a ballpark hot dog is? It's just an excuse to eat. Like, the hot dog isn't even the point anymore. The point is the experience, the atmosphere. It's like paddle ball. Nobody actually cares about paddle ball. You just hit the ball, it comes back, you hit it again. For hours. What are you accomplishing?

Kramer:I'm telling you, I got it all figured out. The rubber band. That's the key. You take a rubber band, you attach it to the paddle, boom - you got yourself a toy that doesn't get lost. My friend invented that. He's a millionaire now.

Jerry:Your friend invented the rubber band attachment to a paddle ball?

Kramer:Yeah! It's genius! Nobody thought of it before him.

George:I'm starving, I could eat a horse.

Jerry:So have some nachos.

George:Nachos? Who eats nachos? They're just a vehicle for cheese. And the cheese never stays on. You end up eating seventeen individual chips just trying to get some cheese.

Jerry:So don't eat nachos.

George:I want nachos! I just have a complicated relationship with food.

George:Okay, okay, turn left here! No wait, right! Go right!

George:Watch out for that guy! No, that's fine, he's stopped.

George:Speed up! Slow down! Why are you going so slow?

George:Take the next exit. Not that one, the one after. Actually go back!

George:You're going the wrong way! The other wrong way!

Kramer:You know what you gotta do? You gotta moon 'em. But not just a regular moon. You gotta do the full Monty - you drop trou, you back up to the window, and you give 'em the full presentation.

Elaine:Oh, they're making a movie about the Hindenburg disaster, and they're calling it 'Oh, the Humanity!'

Elaine:Why does every movie have to be about some horrible disaster? A plane crash, a meteor hitting the earth... Why can't they make a movie about successful flights?

Jerry:A successful flight? What would happen in that movie?

Elaine:I don't know, people would get on the plane, they'd sit down, they'd arrive at their destination on time, they'd get off. That's it.

Jerry:Sounds riveting.

Elaine:It's like, the Hindenberg is about to explode, everyone's screaming, and I'm thinking, 'Why don't they just open a window?'

Elaine:I'm telling you, I completely disrupted the whole movie. People were staring at me.

Jerry:So what, you want a medal? Go to Pearl Harbor, do it there. Really disrupt something.

Elaine:That's not funny.

Jerry:I'm serious. You've got a gift. Don't waste it on a multiplex.

Jerry:Why aren't we moving?

Elaine:I don't know. There must be an accident up ahead.

Jerry:We've been sitting here for twenty minutes.

Elaine:Well, what do you want me to do about it?

Jerry:I'm just saying, this is ridiculous.

Elaine:Oh! Oh no.

Jerry:What?

Elaine:We're not in an accident. We're in traffic.

Jerry:We're always in traffic.

Elaine:No, you don't understand. Everyone's doing this. Everyone's just... sitting.

Jerry:I got into the wrong car in the parking lot. I thought it was mine.

Stranger:It's not.

Jerry:I think I'm in the wrong car.

Car Owner:What?

Jerry:Yeah, I... I thought this was my car.

Car Owner:Well, it's not.

Jerry:No, I can see that now.

George:I missed 60 Minutes last night. The one night I actually have time to sit down and watch it, and I miss it.

George:You know what? That ticking clock at the beginning - it's supposed to make you feel important, like you're getting the news that matters. But all it does is make me anxious. Tick, tick, tick... like I'm running out of time.

George:I'm nauseous from those nachos.

Jerry:Just throw up. Get it over with.

Kramer:Hey, I got it! The grand marshal of the parade is gonna be... Superman!

Kramer:Wait, no no no. It's Batman.

Kramer:Actually, it's Mighty Mouse.

Kramer:No, I was right the first time. Superman.

George:You see that guy? He's doing that thing where he's riding right on my bumper. I hate that! Why do people do that?

Jerry:I do that.

George:You do that?

Jerry:Yeah, all the time.

George:It's not a lie if you believe it.

Jerry:Excuse me, your car is blocking traffic.

Jerry:You might want to move it.

George:You can't just leave the group.

Elaine:I've wanted to escape you people for ten years!

Kramer:I'm not disrupting the movie, I'm enhancing it. I'm like a second feature.

Jerry:You're talking through the entire thing, you're throwing popcorn at the screen...

Kramer:I'm engaging with the material. The director would appreciate it.

Jerry:Wait a minute... that's exactly what I do on stage.

Jerry:I'm talking, I'm engaging with the audience... I'm the Kramer of comedy clubs.

George:Your career is really taking off. I mean, you're doing pretty well for yourself. Not great, but... you know, you're out there.

Jerry:Hey, your dog's ear is inside out.

Dog Owner:I know.

Jerry:Well, aren't you going to fix it?

Dog Owner:He'll fix it himself.

Jerry:When? How long has it been like this?

Dog Owner:A few weeks.

Jerry:A few weeks?! It's inside out! Just flip it back!

Jerry:You know what bothers me about dogs? Their ears. They just hang there. Why? What's the purpose? If a dog's ears were supposed to hang, why do we have to clean them? It's like having a screen door on a submarine.

Jerry:PULL YOUR DOG'S EARS UP!

George:I'm telling you, I can walk faster than this traffic!

Jerry:No you can't.

George:Yes I can! Watch this!

George:I can't take this traffic anymore. I'm getting out.

Jerry:What are you doing?

George:I'm walking. The traffic is moving faster than we are.

Jerry:George, get back in the car.

George:No, I'm out of here.

Jerry:Oh, come on...

Jerry:Well, would you look at that. The traffic is moving.

Elaine:Why is there a red dot on that guy's chest?

Kramer:It's a laser pointer.

Elaine:A laser pointer? In a movie theater? What is he doing?

Kramer:He's trying to get the guy's attention. Look, he's writing a message.

Elaine:Oh my God, that's so rude! He should just tap him on the shoulder like a normal person.

Elaine:Wait, so the laser pointer is funny?

Laser Guy:The laser pointer isn't funny. I'm funny. The laser pointer is just a prop.

Elaine:So when exactly are you going to use the laser pointer?

Laser Guy:Well, I have this recurring lower back issue, and my chiropractor says I shouldn't be lifting anything over ten pounds.

Elaine:That's... that's not really what I was asking about.

Laser Guy:Also, my prostate's been acting up.

Kramer:You know what the problem is? Too many cars on the road. So here's what we do: we create a system where people get paid to not drive.

Jerry:Paid to not drive? How does that work?

Kramer:Simple. You call your insurance company, you tell them you got in an accident. They pay you. You don't drive for a week, you get money. Everybody wins.

Jerry:That's insurance fraud, Kramer.

Kramer:It's not fraud if everybody's doing it!

Jerry:Wait, how does that even work?

Kramer:It's simple math, Jerry. You take the deductible, multiply it by the number of times you've been to the doctor, divide by the co-pay, and you get the fraud number.

Jerry:That's not math, that's just words.

Kramer:It works every time.

Kramer:Jerry, you gotta think about this maturely. You're not a kid anymore. This is what adults do.

Jerry:No, it's not.

Kramer:Yeah, it is. It's called insurance fraud, and it's very common.

Elaine:It's like the Hindenburg...

Laser Guy:Excuse me, excuse me!

Elaine:Wait, wait, I'm in the middle of something...

Laser Guy:I just need a second...

Elaine:No, no, you don't understand. I've been working up to this joke all day. The timing is everything. It's like the Hindenburg...

Laser Guy:Really, it will just take a moment...

Elaine:Oh my God! Do you see what you're doing? You're ruining the whole thing!

Elaine:Your comedy is just cheap tricks! You're relying on that laser pointer instead of actual material. Where's the substance? Where's the wit?

Laser Pointer Guy:Hey, the audience loves it!

Elaine:The audience would love a trained monkey with a laser pointer. That doesn't make you a comedian.

Kramer:You gotta do something big. You gotta show her you really mean it.

Kramer:You get down on one knee, you take her hand, you look her in the eyes and you say, 'I'm sorry.'

Jerry:That's it?

Kramer:No, no, no. Then you stand up, you spin around three times, you fall to the ground, you crawl towards her on your belly like a wounded animal, and you say, 'I was wrong. So very wrong.'

Kramer:You know, George, you're like the Dark Side of the Moon.

George:What are you talking about?

Kramer:Pink Floyd, man. Dark Side of the Moon. Except with you, it's the Dark Side of the George.

George:What are you doing? Stop it! You're gonna poke my eye out!

George:I mean... stop poking my brain!

Jerry:Oh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. (waves apologetically) I didn't mean to cut you off, my friend.

Jerry:No wait, actually, you're an idiot! You drive like my grandmother, and she's been dead for ten years!

George:Alright, alright, everybody listen up! You in the red sedan, you're going to pull forward about three feet. No, no, not yet! Wait for my signal.

George:You two in the minivan, I need you to cut diagonally across both lanes. This is going to create a domino effect that will free up the whole right side.

George:SUV behind me, you're going to back up slowly while the station wagon comes through at a forty-five degree angle. Come on, people, this isn't rocket science!

George:Now! Everyone move now! No, not you! You were supposed to go before the Civic! Everybody stop! We're gridlocked!

George:Hey! Hey, you in the Acura! No wait, I said Acura, not you, Akbar!

George:I went to safety school! I suffered!

George:What if the laser hits my eye?

Jerry:That would be the Death Star.

George:How long is this parade going to go on? I mean, what are we celebrating anyway? Some guy named Columbus discovered America. If he's so smart, how come he doesn't know where he's going?

George:We're walking through a construction area and there's no safety barrier. That's not good.

George:You know what that means? It means they're not expecting anyone to come back from the other side.

Kramer:Yeah, this is a nice place. I'm very interested. My name is Matthias Rossitanovich, and I'm a marine biologist.

Kramer:I work for the Norwegian government. I've been living in Oslo for the past twelve years.

Kramer:But I'm thinking of relocating to Manhattan. I have a very large Scandinavian family, so I'll need the extra closet space.

Kramer:I need a place where I can bring a woman back to my apartment without it being, you know, too forward.

Jerry:What are you talking about?

Kramer:Well, I want a woman to come back to my place, but not feel like she's coming back to my place, if you know what I mean.

Jerry:No, I don't know what you mean.

Kramer:I want to seduce a woman in an apartment that doesn't look like I'm trying to seduce her in an apartment.

Kramer:Yes, I'm H. E. Pennypacker. I'm a wealthy industrialist and philanthropist and a bicyclist.

George:Look at him down there. We're never gonna see him again. From now on, he's Tunnel Vision.

Woman:You know, all Saab drivers are the same.

Jerry:What do you mean?

Woman:They're all a little soft.

Jerry:Soft? I'm not soft!

Woman:You drive a Saab.

Jerry:So?

Woman:So you're soft.

Jerry:I am not soft. I'm very masculine.

Jerry:So the laser hits your glasses, and now it's bouncing around like a pinball machine. It goes off the building, hits a plane, the plane crashes into a news van, the news van crashes into a hot dog cart—

Jerry:Now there's a guy with no hot dogs and a dead news crew, and all because you wanted to look cool in sunglasses!

Kramer:Oh, this is beautiful! This is so beautiful! Look at this! Oh!

Kramer:The floats, the colors, the music! ¡Olé! ¡Olé!

Jerry:Varnsen... Varnsen... It's an unusual name.

Christine:He's a very competitive man.

Jerry:Well, let me tell you something. I know Varnsen. I know his moves, his style. And if he's out there somewhere, he better watch out. Because I'm coming for him.

George:I'm gonna say something to him. I'm going right up to that guy and I'm gonna tell him what I think.

Jerry:George, what are you doing?

George:I'm confronting him. This has gone on long enough.

Jerry:It's just a laser pointer.

George:It's not just a laser pointer, Jerry. It's a violation. It's a personal violation.

Elaine:I'm pregnant! Help! I'm pregnant!

Elaine:Well, I could be.

George:I'm telling you, someone's been pointing a laser at me. A laser! I've seen it on my shirt, on the wall behind me. This is harassment!

Jerry:George, are you sure it's a laser?

George:Of course I'm sure! What else would it be?

Jerry:I don't know, a reflection?

George:A reflection? Jerry, I've been to the police! They're investigating!

Jerry:And what did they say?

George:They said... well, they said to check my pocket.

Jerry:Your pocket?

George:I reach in, and... it's a pen. A pen with a little light on it.

George:You! You're the one who had the laser pen!

Pen Guy:What? No, I don't know what you're talking about.

George:Yes, you do! You were pointing it around the theater!

Pen Guy:That wasn't me. But whoever did that was pretty clever.

George:Clever?

Pen Guy:Yeah, I gotta hand it to that guy. Very impressive.

George:Well, it wasn't impressive, it was—

Pen Guy:You know, you still have the dot on your shirt.

Angry Man:You burned the flag!

Kramer:No, no, I didn't burn anything!

Angry Man:We're gonna burn you!

Kramer:Mom! Mom!

George:Wait a minute. If I'm Kel Varnsen, and you're... who are you again?

Jerry:I'm Brian Spatula.

George:Brian Spatula? What kind of name is that?

Jerry:What do you mean? It's a perfectly good name.

George:A spatula is a cooking utensil. You can't have a last name that's a kitchen tool.

Jerry:Says who?

George:Says me! I'm Kel Varnsen from Iceland.

Jerry:Iceland? What are you talking about? You're from Kel.

George:Kel Varnsen is from Kel, Iceland.

Jerry:There is no Kel, Iceland. You made that up.

George:Well, you made up Brian Spatula!

Jerry:George, look at my car! It's completely destroyed!

George:Yeah, well, these things happen.

Jerry:These things happen? George, it's totaled!

George:I know. That's what I'm saying. It happens.

George:You know, if Kramer had just pushed the car off a cliff, we could've collected the insurance.

Maroon Golf Driver:Hey! You're the jackass who said my golf clubs were cheap!

Jerry:I didn't say that.

Maroon Golf Driver:Yeah, you did. Well, guess what? Your car is cheap. And you're still a jackass.

Jerry:So, that happened.

Jerry:You know what? I'm looking at the bright side here — at least I'm not dead.

Jerry:That's something, right?

Father (Priest) · Jerry/Group:Wanna make out some more? Oh, God! Let us out!

Elaine · Someone:That wasn't a laser pen. No. It's just a pen.

Puerto Rican Parade-goer:Yeah, it's like this every day in Puerto Rico.

Kramer · Parade-goers:Hey. There's a guy burning the Puerto Rican flag. Who? Who is burning the flag? Oh, no. Him? That's not very nice. It was an accident.

Parade-goer · Kramer:Because it's Puerto Rican Day. Maybe we should stomp you like you stomp the flag. What do you think? All right, look. I just have one thing to say to you boys. Mama!

Kramer · Crowd:All right, look. I just have one thing to say to you boys. / Mama! / Get him.

George as Art Vandelay:Right this way, Mr. Vandelay. Lovely, this is a lovely apartment. Lovely. The kids are gonna go crazy. I wonder if I could see the bathrooms. Preferably one with some paint thinner and some rags?

Kramer as Pennypacker · George as Vandelay · Broker:Oh, hello, Art. Mr. Vandelay, of course. You two know each other? Mr. Pennypacker. Yes. Oh, yeah, I wanted to stop by and make sure my shark tank fits-- Hello.

George as Varnsen · Kramer as Pennypacker · George as Vandelay · Broker:Varnsen. Pennypacker. Vandelay. Pennypacker. Varnsen. Vandelay. Wait a second. Mr. Pennypacker, if you're here...and Mr. Vandelay is also here, then who's watching the factory?

George · Jerry:The factory? The Saab factory? Jerry, that's in Sweden. The guy in here.... My car.

Realtor · Jerry · Kramer:Wait a second. Mr. Pennypacker, if you're here, and Mr. Vandelay is also here, then who's watching the factory? / The factory? / The Saab factory?

Parade-goer · George · Kramer:Yeah. You know, it's like this every day in Puerto Rico. Jerry, the Mets lost. I love a parade.

Kramer:Yeah. You know, it's like this every day in Puerto Rico.

George · Jerry:Jerry, the Mets lost. / I love a parade.

Jerry · George · Kramer:All right, shall we go home? Well, what about my car? Well, Jerry, you can't deduct it now.

George · Jerry:How do you suppose they did that? / Well, there's no logical explanation.

Jerry · Elaine:Well, you look relaxed. Well, it is Sunday night, and you know how I like to unwind.

Maroon Golf Driver · George:Hey, black Saab. Looks like that building cut you off. See you around. Well, at least he didn't-- Jackass.

George:Somebody remember where we parked.

Kramer:Well, this was a fun day. It's nice to get out.