The Stall

Jerry:Whales are supposed to be intelligent with extensive vocabulary. They don't know words that would save their lives from beaching.

Jerry:Whales should be smarter about beaching. Specifically avoid beach volleyball tournaments.

Elaine:Do you have any toilet paper?

Neighbor:No.

Jane:Do you have any toilet paper? I'm all out.

Jane:No.

Elaine:I need exactly 7.3 squares of toilet paper.

Clerk:Seven point three? That's... oddly specific.

Elaine:Don't question my methods. That's what I need.

Jane:I'm not using it.

Jerry:You have to use toilet paper.

Jane:No, I don't think so.

Jerry:What do you mean you don't think so?

Jane:These companies, they're just trying to sell you more and more toilet paper. Well, I'm not buying it. Not literally, but you know what I mean.

Kramer:She's got a point, Jerry.

Elaine:I'm willing to literally split the toilet paper.

Elaine:I need a small favor.

Elaine:Actually, a tiny favor.

Elaine:Okay, a microscopic favor.

Elaine:I need you to find me a man who is exactly 6'2", has dark hair, went to an Ivy League school, makes over $200,000 a year, and likes The Beatles.

Jane:I'm sorry, I can't do that.

Elaine:Why not? You're a matchmaker!

Jane:Because I can't find a man who is exactly 6'2", has dark hair, went to an Ivy League school, makes over $200,000 a year, and likes The Beatles.

Elaine:I'm stuck! I'm stuck in here!

Elaine:Please, somebody help me! I'm trapped!

Elaine:There's no toilet paper! I need toilet paper!

Elaine:Can anybody hear me? Please!

Jerry:Most people prefer real butter. Me? I prefer artificial for its consistency.

Elaine:I went to the bathroom.

Jane:I was just using the bathroom! I didn't know you needed it so badly. I mean, it's not like I was in there forever or anything.

Jane:And even if I was, what's the big deal? You have another bathroom, don't you? I don't see why you're making such a huge fuss about this.

Elaine:I'm telling you, it was $20. Twenty dollars. Not $19, not $21. Twenty. Dollars.

Jerry:Jerry defending Jane's position: 'Sometimes a square is everything.' / 'It's like asking for someone's canteen in the desert. It's battle conditions.'

Elaine:She won't even look in a mirror!

Jerry:Why not?

Elaine:She says it's like looking at a crazy person.

Jerry:Well, maybe she's onto something.

Kramer:We need to find this woman. I'm gonna organize a little search party.

Jerry:A search party? For what?

Kramer:For the toilet paper woman! We'll comb the streets, check every apartment building.

George:This is insane. We're talking about toilet paper here.

Kramer:We're gonna set up checkpoints. I'm gonna get a megaphone, walkie-talkies. We're gonna do this military style.

Elaine · Jerry:Elaine on the phone with Tony: 'Then we'll get a cab and we'll do it in the back seat. How's that, Andre?' / Jerry: 'Andre? What about the driver?'

Kramer:Can I use your phone?

Jerry:Sure, go ahead.

Kramer:I gotta make a long distance call.

Jerry:Okay.

Kramer:It might take a while.

Jerry:How long?

Kramer:I don't know, a half hour, forty-five minutes.

Jerry:A half hour? What are you doing, calling China?

Kramer:No, I'm calling one of those 900 numbers.

Jerry:A 900 number? Kramer, those are sex lines!

Kramer:So?

Jerry:So? You're going to rack up a huge bill on my phone!

Kramer:Don't worry about it, I'll pay you back.

Jerry:That's not the point. I don't want people thinking I'm calling sex lines.

Jerry:So what, you're not taking calls now?

Kramer:I didn't say that.

Jerry:Well, I called you three times.

Kramer:Yeah, I know.

Jerry:So why didn't you pick up?

Kramer:I was busy.

Jerry:Too busy to answer the phone? What, you're a big shot now?

Jerry:Tony? What kind of name is Tony? It's like the guy's already been in the mob before he was even born.

Jerry:Yeah, 'Hey, how ya doin'?' Like it's so easy. Like the whole world revolves around 'Hey, how ya doin'?' I'm doin' fine, Tony. I'm doin' just fine. You know what I'm doin'? I'm standin' here listenin' to you ask me how I'm doin'.

Elaine:There's this woman at my office who uses an enormous amount of toilet paper. I mean, she must go through a roll every time she goes to the bathroom.

Jerry:Well, maybe she has a medical condition.

Elaine:A medical condition? Jerry, she's just wasteful!

Jerry:You don't know that. Some people are just more... thorough.

Elaine:Thorough? She's destroying the environment!

Jerry:Hey, there's nothing wrong with taking pride in your personal hygiene.

Jerry:What's the big deal? It's just toilet paper.

Jerry:You know, I think toilet paper is like a relationship. It starts out soft and pleasant, but eventually it falls apart under pressure.

Jerry:I mean, what do you want from me? You think I'm made of toilet paper? It's not like I'm running a rest stop here. This is my apartment, my bathroom. You want to use my toilet paper, that's fine, but you gotta bring your own. I'm not a charity.

Jerry:It's like a war zone in there. You're in survival mode. You do what you gotta do. Adapt or perish.

Elaine:I'm gonna remember that voice for the rest of my life. If I'm on my deathbed, fifty years from now, I'm gonna hear that voice and it's all gonna come back to me.

Elaine:Yeah, well, we did it in the car.

Elaine:It was very uncomfortable.

Elaine:We could do it in the backseat.

Tony:What about the driver?

George:No, no, no. You can't do it in a car. It's too dangerous.

Jerry:Why? What could happen?

George:Well, what if someone pulls up next to you? What if a cop sees you?

Jerry:So cover the windows.

George:Cover the windows? With what? The car's moving!

Jerry:Who is Andre?

Kramer:That's me. That's my name on the phone.

Jerry:Your name on the phone?

Kramer:Yeah, I do phone sex.

Jerry:You do phone sex?

Kramer:Yeah, I'm very good too. I make a lot of money.

Kramer:You know, I've been thinking about these phone sex operators. They're like comedians! They're performing!

Kramer:I mean, you call up, and they're doing a whole bit. It's material! Some of them are really talented.

Kramer:I'm not sitting there getting all worked up. I'm critiquing the performance! 'That's a good one, work on that transition.'

Jerry:Well, she was eating a sandwich, and she started choking. So I gave her the Heimlich maneuver.

Jerry:And she coughed up the food.

Jerry:So I said, 'Are you okay?' And she said, 'Yeah, I'm fine.'

Jerry:So I said, 'Well, I guess that's it then. I'll see you later.'

Elaine:I can't believe I'm leaving you guys for him. He's shallow, he's self-absorbed, he only cares about himself.

Elaine:But he has really nice hands.

Jerry:So you don't care that he's not traditionally handsome?

Elaine:No, I don't care about looks at all. It's all about personality and character.

Jerry:Really?

Elaine:Really. I mean, look at me and Puddy.

Elaine:You're so superficial, Jerry. You only date women based on how they look.

Jerry:That's not true. I have many other standards. For instance, they also have to be thin.

Jerry:He's a male bimbo. We need a new word for this.

George:Mimbo!

Jerry:Mimbo!

Jerry:You're acting like a schoolgirl with a crush on a boy band member.

George:I am not!

Jerry:George, you're a grown man. You can't be following Tony around like this.

George:I'm telling you, I walked right up to him and I said, 'Yo, what's up, homie?' He looked at me like I had three heads. I said, 'You heard me, G. Back off or there's gonna be trouble.' The guy just walked away. I'm a tough guy now.

George:So I said to him, 'You gotta problem with that, pal?'

Tony:You said that?

George:Yeah, I'm a tough guy now.

Tony:You? A tough guy? Come on!

George:So I'm at this party, and this guy bumps into me. I say 'Hey, watch it!' He says something smart, so I tell him to step off. He steps off. Just like that.

Tony:You told him to step off? And he did it?

George:Yeah.

Tony:That's the most impressive thing I've ever heard! You're like a sheriff! A tough guy! Step off! Ha!

George:We could go bowling.

Tony:Bowling? That's not extreme enough. I need something with more danger, more adrenaline.

George:Bowling is exciting! You can get seriously hurt. I knew a guy, lost three fingers in a ball return.

George:Another guy, got his shirt caught in the lane. They had to shut down the whole alley.

George:I once saw a woman's hair get caught in a pin setter. She was spinning around like a top.

George:I can't go rock climbing. I have a condition. It's very serious. The doctors, they don't even have a name for it yet. They just call it... George's thing.

Jerry:George's thing?

George:Yeah, it's a very rare condition. I can't do any strenuous activity. The slightest exertion could cause me to... to... I don't know, spontaneously combust or something.

Elaine:You're making this up.

George:I am not making this up! This is a real medical condition. It's called... Imbalance. Severe imbalance. One wrong move and I could fall right over. Boom. Right on my face.

Tony · George:Tony tells George to yodel to calm himself down on the cliff face.

George:Wait, wait. You're going rock climbing? How are you gonna eat a sandwich up there?

Kramer:I'll figure it out.

George:No, no, no. You can't eat a sandwich on a rock. Your hands are full. You're holding on for dear life. One slip, you're plummeting down a mountain.

Jerry:Rock climbing? George, you can barely walk up stairs without getting winded.

George:I'm very athletic.

Jerry:You're athletic? George, the most strenuous thing you do is lift a fork to your mouth.

Jerry:Why are you so obsessed with Tony?

George:Because he's cool, Jerry. He's always been cool. I've never had a cool friend in my entire life.

George:You know what makes someone cool? Free dessert. That's it. That's the whole thing. You get free dessert, you're cool. You don't get free dessert, you're not cool.

Kramer:It's not an obsession, George. It's romantic love.

Kramer:You're in love with her!

Jerry:Yeah, so?

George:You know what? That's it. I'm cutting you off.

George:No more sandwiches. No more of my food. Nothing.

Kramer:George, come on...

George:Don't 'George come on' me. You crossed a line.

George:The sandwich line.

Jerry:She's got this voice on the phone... it's like she's gargling marbles.

Jerry:And when she laughs, it sounds like a seal being killed.

Elaine:He's a close talker.

Jerry:A close talker?

Elaine:Yes! He stands too close to you.

Jerry:I didn't notice that.

Elaine:Well, he does it to everyone. My father noticed it right away.

George:Don't let go! Don't let go! Why would you let go?! What are you doing?! Help! Help!

Elaine:Elaine's first concern: 'His face? Did something happen to his face?'

George:We're hanging here by a thread and you're worried about what kind of sandwich you're gonna have?

Kramer:Well, I'm hungry!

George:Kramer, we could die up here!

Kramer:Yeah, but I don't wanna die on an empty stomach.

Jane:How does this thing work?

Jerry:You just press the button and talk.

Jane:I am pressing it.

Jerry:No, you have to hold it down while you talk.

Jane:I am holding it down.

Jerry:Well, then talk louder.

Jane:I don't understand why this is so complicated!

Jerry:You know, gum is just a placebo. You're not actually fixing your breath, you're just covering it up with artificial flavor. It's like putting a air freshener in a garbage truck.

Jerry:I can't believe you took my gum without asking.

Elaine:It's just gum, Jerry.

Jerry:It's not about the gum. It's about respect. It's about boundaries in a relationship.

Elaine:We're not in a relationship.

Jerry:Exactly my point. If we were, this would be a serious issue.

Jerry:She chews gum. That's her thing. And she chews it like it's a big production. Like she's trying to get my attention with her gum chewing.

Jerry:I mean, it's gum. You chew it, you're done. But with her, it's like she's performing. Like I'm supposed to say something about it.

Elaine:Oh my God, is he okay? Is he hurt badly?

Elaine:Wait, his face... his face is okay, right?

Elaine:What happened to Tony's face?

Jerry:You know, I think we all have a little bit of facial damage. It's just a matter of degree. Some people show it more than others. Tony's just being honest about it.

Kramer:Hey, hey, hey! Don't worry, Tony. We're gonna get you to the hospital. You're gonna be fine.

Kramer:You know what? Let me turn on the radio. Get your mind off things.

Kramer:Oh, perfect! 'Stayin' Alive' by the Bee Gees!

George:How is he? Is he going to be okay?

George:Well, did he like the sandwich?

Elaine:So what's wrong with Tony? Why does he need the procedure?

Elaine:Well, I mean, we all have things we'd like to fix. I mean, look at me - I got the big wall of a forehead, I got thin lips, I got a crooked nose, I got a weird hairline, my ears stick out, I got a double chin, I got no cheekbones, I got beady little eyes, and don't even get me started on my neck.

Elaine:So what exactly happened to Tony's face? Is it a scar? A dent? What are we talking about here?

George:Tony, how are you feeling?

Tony:Not so good, George. The pain is terrible.

George:Well, you just need to step off for a while, let it heal.

Tony:Step off? Why don't you step off?

George:A pastrami sandwich on toast! The key to a good relationship!

Jerry:That's terrible about Tony. Really terrible. So terrible.

Kramer:Hey, I'm Kramer. I know Jane... intimately.

Kramer:Kramer: 'Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?' / 'Is it? Or is it so possible that your head is spinning like a top?' / 'Can't it? Or is your entire world just crashing down all around you?'

Kramer:Jane?

Jane:Hi Kramer, it's me!

Kramer:I know it's you. I recognize your voice.

Elaine:Well, to me that's like someone saying they recognize you by your walk.

Jerry:You're crazy.

Kramer:Am I? Or am I so sane that you just blew your mind?

Kramer:Or am I operating on a level of sanity so high that it appears as insanity to the rest of you?

Kramer:Or perhaps... I'm not here at all.

Kramer:What is it with you? What do you want from people? Why do you have to make everything so complicated?

Jerry:I don't make things complicated.

Kramer:You do! You create these impossible standards. Nobody can live up to what you expect. You're like some kind of... you're like a tyrant! A benevolent tyrant, but a tyrant nonetheless!

Jerry:I'm not a tyrant.

Kramer:You know what? Civilization is going to collapse. It's going to crumble into dust because of people like you. Future archaeologists will dig through the rubble and say, 'See? This is what happened. One guy. One man and his inability to accept people as they are. That's what ended it all.'

Jerry:What do you mean you're worried about his appearance? He looks fine.

Elaine:No, he's getting fat.

Jerry:So what? A lot of people are fat.

Elaine:Well, I'm not attracted to him anymore.

Jerry:You know what he looks like? He looks like Garfield.

Jerry:So you don't care about looks?

Elaine:No, I don't care about looks.

Jerry:You're lying.

Elaine:I'm lying.

Elaine:He's my boyfriend. If he was in a coma, I'd visit him.

Elaine:But if he was in a persistent vegetative state, I'd have to think about it.

Elaine:You know, maybe that's what love is about. It's not about finding someone perfect. It's about finding someone whose imperfections you can live with.

Jerry:Yeah, that's great Elaine, but did you see the Knicks game last night?

Kramer:She's real, Jerry. She's real to me.

Kramer:You're a phone sex operator!

Jane:I am not! I work at the Gap.

Kramer:The Gap? Well, that's even worse.

Kramer:Can I have a tissue?

Jane:No.

Jerry · Elaine · Kramer · Jane:Jerry and Elaine reconcile by giving each other paper goods: Jerry hands Elaine a napkin, she thanks him. Kramer and Jane exchange phone-calls cut-off.

Jerry:What's the deal with a skydiving helmet? You're falling out of the sky without a parachute. A helmet isn't gonna help you. It's like wearing a seatbelt in a car that has no brakes. 'Well, at least my head will look good when we hit the tree.'

Jerry:You know, people wear helmets to protect their heads. But have you ever thought about it from the helmet's perspective? The helmet's thinking, 'I'm not here to protect you from the ground. I'm here to protect the ground from you.'

Jerry:Jerry: 'Why do they even bother with the helmets? Can you almost make it? You might as well wear a party hat. What's the difference?'

Jerry:Jerry: 'You jump out of a plane 20,000 feet in the air, the chute doesn't open, I got news for you: The helmet is now wearing you for protection. Later on, the helmet is talking to the other helmets: Good thing he was there, or I would have hit the ground directly.'