Jews On A Plane 2

Abbi · Ilana:Previously on recap montage culminating in 'This bag is the bomb' and 'Jews! Jews! Jews!'

Unknown:Opening theme song rewritten as airplane safety instructions: 'Put your tray tables up and put your seat back forward / if you got something big put it in overhead storage / life vest, seatbelt, oxygen / you better help yourself before you help a friend'

Winona:Winona's reunion anxiety: 'I just wish I had something to talk about at my reunion... I need a headline.'

Winona:Winona enters the cockpit, pilot says 'Rough winds,' she responds 'Looking good, girl,' and then announces turbulence over the intercom immediately after

Birthmarc Host · Rachel H-2:Rachel Hanowitz is told she'll be 'Rachel H-2' because 'Rachel Hoffman already called Rachel H.'

Mark:Mark: 'I run a booming nail art business outside Boston, and I'm proudly gay... mazel... But I'm looking for a nice Jewish girl to marry. Because that's the only way I can gain access to my trust fund.'

Birthmarc Host · Abbi:The Birthmarc host calls Abbi 'Abbalah' — a Yiddishized diminutive of her name

Abbi:Abbi's Birthmarc intro: complains about having to check her carry-on, says 'I practice packed a couple times,' then calls it 'a little Jewwy. Um, Jewish-like.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'I graduated with a fine arts degree. So now I am a celebrity trainer. Kris Kristofferson comes in, mostly core work.'

Abbi:Abbi's intro ends with 'I'm a little bit lost and yeah, I'm looking for a spiritual experience, kind find myself on this trip' — delivered with increasing uncertainty and trailing off

Ilana:Ilana's intro: 'I'm just looking to sit next to Abbi. I just want to hang, get new jokes together.'

Ilana:Ilana adds she's 'looking to get into the Moyel Chai Club' during her Birthmarc intro, with no explanation

Rachel H-2 · Birthmarc Host:Rachel H-2 says 'Ew, Cornell?' when matched with David 3 from Cornell. Host says 'Hey, it's still an Ivy.' Rachel: 'Ah, you guys sound like an old married couple already.'

Birthmarc Host:Host: 'Red Rover, Red Rover, let Levi come over! Let's bring it on down to Gingerville!'

Ilana:'Get ya nag on! Nagga, what? Hmm? No, no. I don't... That was like... Just a joke, I mean... Just delete that. Yeah, delete. We'll both forget it.'

Ilana:Ilana turns down the first class upgrade to stay with Abbi: 'I'm good... Shalom.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi tries to ask a passenger to switch but Ilana says 'Ab, Ab. Let the guy rest in peace.' — the man is dead

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'So I've been meaning to tell you, that was a sick mile high joke.' Abbi: 'I wasn't joking.' Then Ilana explains the Moyel Chai Club

Ilana · Abbi:Abbi: 'Wait, what's a moyel?' Ilana: 'Honestly, are you Jewish? You're not supposed to be on this trip if you're not.'

Ilana:Ilana explains the mohel ritual: 'They take the detached baby foreskin and they roll it around in their mouths with wine. And then they suck the baby dick itself to stop the bleeding.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'What the fuck are you talking about?' Ilana: 'Literally Judaism.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'They get to have it?' Ilana: 'Yeah, it's like, Christian people get the Nilla wafer and we get...' — comparing mohel ritual to Communion wafer

Ilana:Ilana: 'I want to suck a dick on this flight, babe! An adult dick, obviously.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'I can't believe that you want to suck a dick after everything that just came out of your mouth.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'Something about doing it in the sky.' — referencing sexual arousal from flying

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana spots free headphones on a sleeping man: 'Oh my God dude, this is a free movie!' Abbi: 'Look, look! His headphones!' Ilana: 'You are dark, dude.' Abbi: 'I know.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'I just got my period.' Beat. Ilana: 'Ugh. Okay, it's fine, I packed tampons.' Longer beat. 'In my bag!'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'Wad up a bunch of toilet paper and shove it up your pussy.' Abbi: 'Up?' Ilana: 'Between the lips and the undies.'

Ilana · Abbi:First-day period metaphor escalation: 'Like putting your spoon into a molten lava cake' / 'like the first bite of a jelly doughnut' / 'like a side of chutney' / 'fruit on the bottom'

Ilana · Abbi:'The Impossible' tsunami wave riff — Ilana: 'You ever seen that movie The Impossible? Where that wall of tsunami water just gushes up onto the beach?' then Abbi deflates with 'I was just gonna say, that movie is so sad.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'This must be what homeless women feel like.' Abbi: 'Dude, we're just in coach, it's not that bad.' Ilana: 'No, no. Like, how do they get tampons?'

Ilana · Abbi:'You ever seen that movie The Impossible? Where that wall of tsunami water just, like, gushes up onto the beach?' / 'Yikes.' / 'I was just gonna say, that movie is so sad.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'Tampons should be free. Every woman should have access to tampons, all different sizes. And the only reason it's not that way is because the government hates women.'

Winona:Winona to the woman next to her: 'Here's a reunion story. Tell them your Beyoncé's fourth-weekend nanny and that she loves you.'

Flight Attendant:Flight attendant: 'We don't have tampons. But we have soft drinks and food, for an additional charge.'

Abbi · Ilana · Flight Attendant:The $38 kosher snack pack for two

Abbi · Winona:Abbi: 'I am loving your comfort despite the circumstances.' Winona: 'Well, I'm currently sitting in a pool of my own uterine lining, so... I'm feeling pretty comfortable.'

Winona · Neighbor:Winona's neighbor: 'You need to tell them about all that money you gave to charity.' Winona: 'Then I have to tell them that I had to ask for it all back 'cause I'm addicted to online poker.'

Winona · Neighbor:Neighbor: 'Okay, tell them about the bone marrow transplant that you gave me.' Winona: 'Ooh, I forgot about that.' Neighbor: 'What?'

Abbi · Ilana:Looking at the snack pack: '$38?' sticker shock — Abbi and Ilana open the snack pack and are clearly underwhelmed by its contents

Abbi · Ilana · Older Woman Passenger:Tampon collection montage: asking passengers across the plane, including the older woman who's 'flattered you asked, even though many women my age do experience spotting'

Ilana:Ilana: 'I totally forgot about menopause. Menopause isn't represented in mainstream media. Like, no one wants to talk about it.'

Abbi · Male Passenger:Abbi asks a man for his almost-in-his-mouth pita to use as a period pad; he surrenders it

Passenger · Ilana:The Longchamp tampon and accompanying dramatic music sting

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi holds up a yarmulke as a tampon: 'You're kidding, right?' Ilana: 'I thought these were, like, a joke that all women shared.' Abbi: 'I guess I'm just the monster with a humongous vagina over here.'

Abbi:'Does yarmulke size have anything to do with dick... sorry, shlong size?'

Ilana:'I guess I'm just the monster with a humongous vagina over here. Fuck you, Lindsay.'

Yarmulke Man · Abbi:A man confirms the yarmulke 'is way too big' and agrees to lend it: 'You're probably not gonna want it back afterwards.' Man: 'It's just so thick.'

Birthmarc Host:Host: 'Look, forgive me if I want to perpetuate the glorious bloodline of the Jewish people. It's a noble cause.'

Birthmarc Host:Host confesses: 'I get a commission off of every match made. I get double if it's made before we touch the ground.'

Birthmarc Host · Ilana:Host: 'I won't Tel Aviv, if you won't.' Ilana: 'Wait a minute, you know Aviv?'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana emerges from the bathroom: 'Dude, I just joined the Moyel Chai Club!' Abbi: 'Did you get me anything?'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana presents a homemade tampon. Abbi: 'I get it. Everyone is gonna be sorry they turned their backs on their sisters.'

Abbi · Air Marshals:Abbi says 'Any second, there's gonna be an explosion and there's gonna be blood, like, everywhere.' Two air marshals immediately interpret this as a bomb threat.

Air Marshals · Winona:Air Marshal 1: 'They said explosion.' Air Marshal 2: 'They're clearly plotting something. We need to call dispatch.' Marshal 1: 'No, we're gonna do it. For my reunion.' Marshal 2: 'If we don't die, it's perfect.'

Abbi · Ilana · Couple:The engagement ring couple — 'Yes! She said yes! What? I'm buying champagne! I guess he brought that ring.'

Ilana · Abbi:Abbi: 'Oh my God, Ilana, look.' Ilana: 'Holy yas.' Then close-up on... Tampons. Ilana: 'So warm and moist.' Abbi: 'Ew, what, dude? That's not how to describe a tampon.' Ilana: 'Tampons, genius!'

Winona · Colleague:Winona and colleague back in marshal mode: 'We're gonna take 'em down. I can get the goods if you create a diversion.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'Shabbat Shalom, motherfuck.' — battle cry before the tampon heist

Winona · Colleague:Winona confesses to her neighbor/colleague: 'I have to be honest before we do this. I lost 200 pounds in two years, and you never said anything. / I beat cancer, and come on, I was on Extreme Couponing. We never talk about me! So, yes, I love you, but I don't like you.' Colleague: 'I'm okay with that.'

Winona's Companion · Winona:'So yes, I love you, but I don't like you.' / 'I'm okay with that.'

Ilana:Hark the Herald Angels Sing plays over a montage of Ilana dancing in the aisle, creating a diversion

Winona:Winona: 'Class of '96!' — triumphant cry mid-takedown

Abbi · Ilana · Interrogator:Interrogation room: 'Your stories are inconsistent.' Abbi: 'My friend was just trying to get me a tampon.' Interrogator: awkward pause. Ilana begins: 'So we wake up in Wantagh, New Jersey. Abbi's puking on the side of the road. No cabs anywhere. This is our second date, mind you. She wouldn't call it a date, but...'

Interrogator · Second Interrogator:Interrogator: 'Your partner hasn't mentioned a tampon once.' Interrogator: 'Sir, your guess is as good as mine.'

Interrogator:Interrogator: 'You're on Birthmarc, yet your friend sang a Christian song to create a diversion. Is she even Jewish?'

Abbi · Ilana · Interrogator:Interrogator: 'Why did you move seats to sit next to a dead man? That's suspicious.' Abbi: 'He was sleeping.' (beat) 'Oh my God, the dead guy?' Interrogator: 'Yeah, fully dead.' 'Nobody wanted the seats and we had to sit next to each other, obviously.' Abbi: 'Yeah, it didn't bother me at all.'

Abbi · Interrogator:Interrogator: 'You said your bag was the bomb.' Abbi: 'It is, my bag is the bom... Okay, Google Refinery 29 in quotes, Drew Barrymore in quotes. It's a life-changing bag.'

Abbi · Interrogator:Interrogator: 'You were asking passengers for very strange instruments. Twine, someone's shoelaces, heavy duty scissors.' Abbi: 'To make a tampon.' Interrogator: 'What, do you think I was making a fucking bomb?' Interrogator: 'Yeah!'

Ilana:Ilana: 'Terrorism? I thought this was about the weed in my pussy.'

Ilana · Abbi:Turbulence hit. Ilana: 'It's the pilots giving each other head. Air head.' (pause) 'That's a good one.' Abbi: 'Seriously.' Then Ilana: 'Why do you think they call it the cockpit?'

Ilana:Ilana: 'Fuck yeah. There is just something about doing it in the sky.'

Abbi:Abbi describes her quasi-spiritual experience when the stewardess slammed her to the ground: 'For a moment I swear I had this out-of-body experience where I was in heaven.'

Abbi · Ilana:Ilana: 'You know Jews don't have heaven.' Abbi: 'Well, I saw Jesus.' Ilana: 'You saw Jesus?' Abbi: 'He was hot and he had a man bun and he was wearing sandals, and I usually hate sandals and I loved 'em.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'Dude, he's like a Jew, but he's not Jew-ish.' Abbi: 'Really good for me. The more you talk about it, the more right it is.'

Ilana:Ilana's life purpose revelation: 'I want to make enough money to fly first class.'

Unknown Authority · Abbi:'No touching.' — said after Abbi says 'I'm in' and reaches for Ilana, presumably in an interrogation context or still being held

Abbi:'And my Birthmarc wish came true. Now we're sitting together. And I got to fly with my bag. And it really is incredible. It withstood all those bullet holes.'

Abbi · Ilana:'Wait, so Jesus is a god, right?' / 'God is, like, Daddy God and Jesus is like, the Son God.' / 'So he's really just, like, a hot rich kid.' / 'Totally.'