Inner City Gang Wars

Dave Chappelle:say what you want to say about his scandal, but the music is scandal-proof

Dave Chappelle:if you was paying attention to his music all these years, you might've seen it coming like I did

R. Kelly Parody:I want to piss on you yes, I do. I'll piss on you. I'll pee on you.

R. Kelly Parody:your body is a port-a-potty

R. Kelly Parody:when you get a whiff of my Hershey stains

R. Kelly Parody:when I turn your face into a toilet seat

Dave Chappelle:Boy, that R. Kelly can make a love song about anything, can't he?

Paul Mooney:White girl ain't that crazy. Once you go black, you don't come back? You go white, you go running back to black.

Paul Mooney:she was humping on black chairs, she went crazy when she got away from him

Paul Mooney:They took Tina Turner. They took Michael Jackson. They took James Brown... they gave him back.

Paul Mooney:don't get too fond of me 'cause white folks'll come in and take me

R. Kelly Parody:I'm gonna give you some poo-poo. I'm gonna give you some pee-pee. I'm gonna give you some doo-doo. Wash it down with some wee-wee.

Documentary Narrator:The war began in 1982 over a pair of basketball shoes. But not just any basketball shoes. These... were Nikes.

Earl 'The Snake' White · General Cornrow Wallace:You stepped on my sneaker, man! (followed by elaborate fight scene)

Earl 'The Snake' White:Some mark-ass trick just stepped on my sneakers and poured morton salt all over 'em. Are y'all ready to ride? Robble, robble.

Documentary Narrator:Police showed up promptly four hours later.

Tyrone Biggums:It's called crack! It's great! All you need is some cocaine and some baking soda... and I think I tasted egg and cinnamon.

General Cornrow Wallace:All the best, Cornrollup. P.S. (coos)

Documentary Narrator:the battle of the Kool Moe Dee concert, which took place at... a Kool Moe Dee concert

River Terrace Crew:Hey, fool, we got your leader. Look at us. High five! High five! Look at these pretty clothes there. Get his shoes, look at them pretty shoes! Oh, I'm steppin' on 'em.

Earl 'The Snake' White:Yeah, it was a tragedy! Can you repeat the question?

Black President:you motherfuckers disgust me!

Black President:I have here in my hand the cure for AIDS. We've had this for 25 years.

Black President:Come on up here, Paula. America, I'd like you to meet my good friend Paula. And here's Paula again. And here's Paula one more time.

Black President:We cloned these three bitches in a laboratory in Seattle some 19-odd years ago. Not only that, we added a pinch of black genes so that they could do things like this.

Black President:Oswald killed Kennedy. That's right, Lee Harvey Oswald killed John F. Kennedy, alone and by himself. With a magic bullet. That's right, the bullet was actually magical, magic does exist.

Black President:The R. Kelly sex tape. That wasn't R. Kelly, it was me. I urinate on people when I have sex with them.

Black President:Bibble is a space creature that lives very far away in a galaxy called Nebulon Five. And he is solely responsible for the wave of technology we've seen over the last few decades: Cell phones, pagers, Playstation 1 and 2.

Black President:knows that it was Bibble, fo' shizzle and all 'bout Bibble. 'Cause only Bibble can keep it so real.

Black President:Good-bye, America. I hope you all die in a fiery death when the meteor hits next Tuesday.

White Guys:we are the white guys. And we've come to take over your show.

White Guys:could you people stack the chairs on the way out, please?

White Guy:my daughter thinks you're really funny.

Dave Chappelle:This ain't no skit, bitch, help!

Dave Chappelle:I'm rich, bi-atch!