Inner City Gang Wars

Dave Chappelle:Dave pauses after introducing himself as 'host' and laughs at his own mild joke

Dave Chappelle:Dave praising R. Kelly's 'Chocolate Factory' and saying 'say what you want about his scandal, but the music is scandal-proof'

Dave Chappelle:'Any real fan of R. Kelly wouldn't let that scandal stop him, because if you was paying attention to his music all these years, you might've seen it coming like I did.'

R. Kelly (parody):'Haters wanna hate, lovers wanna love / I don't even want none of the above / I want to piss on you, yes, I do'

R. Kelly (parody):'Said your body, your body / Is a port-a-potty'

R. Kelly (parody):'I'ma pee out kick / I can use karate, use karate'

R. Kelly (parody):'You'll never feel quite the same / When you get a whiff of my Hershey stains'

R. Kelly (parody):'I wanna poop on you too / I want to pee in your food'

R. Kelly (parody):'Only thing to make my life complete / Is when I turn your face into a toilet seat'

R. Kelly (parody):'Won't you braid my hair, say, won't you braid my hair? / Before you start I'm gonna fart, I'm gonna fart on you'

Dave Chappelle:Dave's reaction after the video: 'Oh! Boy, that R. Kelly can make a love song about anything, can't he?'

Paul Mooney:Paul Mooney's opening on penis size: 'Are all their dicks really big? Or are some small, some big? Is it a mixed bag, or do we just assume they're all hung like horses?'

Paul Mooney:'Brothers are packing... That's why you have so many mixed couples. White girl ain't that crazy.'

Paul Mooney:Mooney on the 'once you go black' saying, segueing into: 'you go white, you go running back to black'

Paul Mooney:'Wasn't Mariah Carey married to a white man? And then they divorced... she was humping on black chairs, she went crazy when she got away from him.'

Paul Mooney:Paul Mooney on bald heads: 'it's just a fad. Now, white folks wear bald heads, too. You know they ain't gonna let a nigga have nothing.'

Paul Mooney:'You know they ain't gonna let a nigga have nothing. We wore naturals, they took that, they take everything.'

Paul Mooney:Mooney listing Black icons whites 'took': 'They took Tina Turner. They took Michael Jackson. They took James Brown... they gave him back.'

Paul Mooney:'Lionel Richie' as the next name in the 'they took' list — delivered as a throwaway after the James Brown punchline

Paul Mooney:Mooney predicting white people will take him: 'I told some black people the other night at my show: don't get too fond of me, 'cause white folks'll come in and take me.'

Paul Mooney:'They only want niggas to have a little bit of fun... I get to talking some mess on your show, they'll take your show, they'll fix you, too.'

Dave Chappelle:Dave's excited announcement: 'I can't believe this is actually happening. R. Kelly actually sent over the Piss On You remix.'

R. Kelly (parody):Remix opening: 'I pick you up from the club / Take you home to make some love / Got a surprise, close your eyes / I'm gonna cover you with suds'

R. Kelly (parody):'I'm gonna give you some poo-poo / I'm gonna give you some pee-pee / I'm gonna give you some doo-doo / Wash it down with some wee-wee'

R. Kelly (parody):'I got that peein' leakin', reekin' and there's juice in the kitchen. Yeah... that's how it goes at an R. Kelly party.'

R. Kelly (parody):'I sip Cris'... you drink piss.'

Dave Chappelle:Dave's History Channel setup: 'Gang violence is something I never really understood. And then I was watching the History Channel and they just came with it.'

Documentary narrator (Jeff Frankel):Documentary narrator treating a Chicago gang war with WWII-level gravitas: 'We've reviewed The Civil War, World War II and The Gulf War. But now, we turn your attention to a classic war that took place right here on American soil... the 19th Street Gangsters and the River Terrace Crew.'

Documentary narrator (Jeff Frankel):'The war began in 1982 over a pair of basketball shoes. But not just any basketball shoes. These... were Nikes.'

Earl 'The Snake' White · General Cornrow Wallace:Earl 'The Snake' White calling out over a sneaker scuff, followed by the physical fight dramatisation including chicken-like sound effects (clucking, cooing)

Earl 'The Snake' White:The Snake rallying the troops with: 'Some mark-ass trick just stepped on my sneakers and poured Morton Salt all over 'em. Are y'all ready to ride?'

River Terrace Crew members:The crew responds to the war cry with 'Robble, robble' — and this continues as their battle cry

Documentary narrator (Jeff Frankel):'General Cornrow Wallace pulled out a gun... unheard of, at that point, in street fighting.'

Documentary narrator (Jeff Frankel):'A resident called 9-1-1 immediately. Police showed up promptly four hours later.'

Tyrone Biggums:Tyrone Biggums appearing in prison as Cornrow's cellmate and enthusiastically explaining crack cocaine: 'It's called crack! It's great! And it's so simple to make!'

Tyrone Biggums:Biggums's recipe: 'All you need is some cocaine and some baking soda... and I think I tasted egg and cinnamon.'

Tyrone Biggums:Biggums's sales pitch: 'Whoever sells it is gonna be rich!' — delivered with complete unironic enthusiasm

Documentary narrator (Jeff Frankel) · Cornrow Wallace (voice in letter):The prison letter, read slowly: 'Y'all niggers need to cook up cocaine with... ba-king powder and sell it. All the best, Cornrollup. P.S. (coos)'

Documentary narrator (Jeff Frankel):'Finally peaking in 1989 when the 19th Street Gangsters sustained a massive loss at the battle of the Kool Moe Dee concert, which took place at... a Kool Moe Dee concert.'

Documentary narrator (Jeff Frankel) · 19th Street Gangsters:'The funeral was somber and filled with Cornrow's signature bird call.' — followed by the assembled gang all cooing

River Terrace Crew members:The crew digs up Cornrow's body and throws a party with the corpse: 'Hey, fool, we got your leader. Look at us. High five! High five! Look at these pretty clothes there. Get his shoes, look at them pretty shoes!'

River Terrace Crew members:'Oh, I'm steppin' on 'em. Robble, robble robble, robble.'

Documentary narrator (Jeff Frankel):'Ironically, he now works at a friendly Shoe Source in a strip mall on the exact location where the Cardinal Projects once stood.'

Earl 'The Snake' White:The Snake's interview: 'Yeah, it was a tragedy! Can you repeat the question?'

Dave Chappelle:Dave's setup for the 'Deep Impact' sketch: 'This was where Morgan Freeman was the black President... I wonder what would really happen, hmm?'

Dave Chappelle (as Black President):Black President addressing allegations that the asteroid is 'somehow my fault' — and saying: 'these allegations are absolutely and 100% false. Secondly, and most importantly, I'd like to say that you motherfuckers disgust me!'

Black President:Black President's address opens normally then pivots to addressing 'allegations that this is somehow my fault'

Dave Chappelle (as Black President):'I have here in my hand the cure for AIDS. We've had this for 25 years. Have a great weekend.'

Dave Chappelle (as Black President):'America, I'd like you to meet my good friend Paula. And here's Paula again. And here's Paula one more time. We cloned these three bitches in a laboratory in Seattle some 19-odd years ago.'

Dave Chappelle (as Black President) · Paula clones:'Not only that, we added a pinch of black genes so that they could do things like this.' — clones then dance/sing

Dave Chappelle (as Black President):President answers a clone's phone call: 'Oh, hold on, Paula. It's the cure for AIDS. Sorry about last night.'

Dave Chappelle (as Black President):'Would you like to know who killed Kennedy? [...] Oswald killed Kennedy. That's right, Lee Harvey Oswald killed John F. Kennedy, alone and by himself.'

Dave Chappelle (as Black President):'With a magic bullet. That's right, the bullet was actually magical. Magic does exist. We've known about this for some 2,000 years.'

Dave Chappelle (as Black President):'The R. Kelly sex tape. That wasn't R. Kelly, it was me. That's right, I urinate on people when I have sex with them. I'm a disgusting human being and I apologize to the people who I've hurt and peed on.'

Dave Chappelle (as Black President):The president introduces Bibble: 'America, this is Bibble. Bibble is a space creature that lives very far away in a galaxy called Nebulon Five.'

Dave Chappelle (as Black President):Bibble is responsible for all technology: 'Cell phones, pagers, Playstation 1 and 2. You might think it was the Japanese who are responsible, but anyone in the know knows that it was Bibble, fo' shizzle and all 'bout Bibble.'

Dave Chappelle (as Black President) · Bibble:The president asks Bibble: 'Hey, uh, Bibble, is the spaceship ready?' — and Bibble responds in an electronic voice: 'Aye, aye. I'm ready to get out of here.'

Dave Chappelle (as Black President):The president abandons Earth: 'There's no hope for the Planet Earth. There's no way to stop the asteroid and you're all gonna die. Everyone except for me... and of course, Bibble, who's been so kind to let me accompany him.'

Dave Chappelle (as Black President):'And I'm bringing those three cloned white women with me. Good-bye, America. I hope you all die in a fiery death when the meteor hits next Tuesday.'

White Executive 1 · Dave Chappelle:Two white men in suits appear and tell Dave they're there to 'take over your show': 'We already got Paul Mooney. Now we gotta take you.'

White Guy 1:'Well, we already got Paul Mooney.'

White Executive 2:White Executive asks to stack the chairs: 'Could you people stack the chairs on the way out, please?'

White Executive 1 · Dave Chappelle:White Executive 1 asks for a photo with Dave: 'Could you get a picture of me and David before we go? Oh, sure. Yeah, my daughter's gonna love this.'

Dave Chappelle:Dave yelling to the audience: 'What y'all clapping for?! Help! This ain't no skit, bitch, help!'

Dave Chappelle:'I'm rich, bi-atch!' — Dave yelling as he's being dragged out, followed by a car horn

White Executive 2:White Executive's parting line: 'Good night, Cornrow Wallace. Watch out for the wolves.'

Dave Chappelle:Post-credits/closing: 'Is it mornin' yet?! I pee on people when I have sex with them.' — then Dave asks if he can say 'pee on people' or if standards will 'kill me', and rewrites it as 'I spray people with urine during sexual encounters'