Fisticuffs

Dave Chappelle:Dave hypes 50 Cent's mixtape success, then reveals a delusional rapper's unsolicited DVD arrived in his mail

Fisticuffs:Fisticuffs can't record his rap because he literally can't hear out of his left headphone and keeps stopping the session

Fisticuffs:Fisticuffs interrupts his own rap to demand his headphones be turned up — 'I'm serious, nigger, turn them shits up!'

Fisticuffs Street Testimonial Guy:'I stabbed a brother in the neck with a butter knife for Fisticuff. Just 'cause.'

Fisticuffs:'It ain't goin' platinum, it's goin' double uranium, son. Uranium, ya heard?'

Fisticuffs:'We poppin' bottles, stabbin' people, killin' people. Unh, yeah... Hold up, nigger, I can't hear out of my left headphone.'

Fisticuffs:'Nigger, I said drop, not drumroll.' / 'I'm sayin', nigger, you can't just put velvet in the shit and think they nice headphones! Where's my snares?'

Fisticuffs Testimonial Guy 2:'His lyrics are so tight, they don't even have to rhyme.'

Fisticuffs Testimonial Guy 2 · Fisticuffs:'The word on the street is late night, one night in the ghetto, my man got shot in his ear like, eight times.' — followed immediately by Fisticuffs yelling about his headphone

Fisticuffs:'Well, how the fuck do you expect me to rhyme if I can't talk, nigger? I'm thirsty. What is this, jail, motherfucker?'

Fisticuffs:'Not for real, nigger, I'm sayin' on the paper, I'm writin'!' — Fisticuffs clarifies that 'turn 'em up' at the end of the promotional copy was a written instruction, not an audio command

Aspiring Rapper Guy:Aspiring rapper's testimonial: 'Yo, Fisticuff, if you need some new artistes, we down. I'm killin' people, we drinkin' malt, we bangin' chicks with no rubbers. Left my bling-bling at home. We keepin' it gangsta.'

Dave Chappelle:Dave Chappelle introduces his Make-A-Wish Foundation work with mock sincerity before cutting to the hospital sketch

Billy's Mom:'You know how your favorite movie is Half Baked? What if I told you Dave Chappelle is here?'

Dave Chappelle:Dave immediately challenges the dying child to Street Hoops on PlayStation with trash talk: 'I'm warning you, though, I'm pretty good. I don't know if I can take losing to a little guy like you.'

Dave Chappelle:'All right, fine, you little bitch.'

Dave Chappelle:'Billy, look at my game, it must hurt. Oh, oh, in your face! Billy, I'm sorry, man, I'm sorry, dude. It was good, though.'

Dave Chappelle:'Children is our future, my ass! I'm the future, I'm the future.'

Dave Chappelle:'You can't deny me, Billy! You can't deny me, it's too real for you!'

Dave Chappelle:'Tell your little friends that dreams do come true. Dave Chappelle came and saw you in the hospital and whupped your monkey ass in some street hoops.'

Dave Chappelle · Billy:Billy says he doesn't want to play anymore; Dave responds 'You pick them little sticks up, white boy, and get to the game. I have an agenda.'

Dave Chappelle:Nurse rushes in; Dave tells her 'Billy is getting his ass whupped on street hoops, I need a witness.'

Dave Chappelle:The heart monitor flatlines. Dave says 'Billy? Oh, my God, Billy. Nurse! Billy, don't you die on me, don't you die on me!'

Dave Chappelle:Defibrillator 'Clear!' — Billy is resuscitated. Dave immediately: 'Here, grab your sticks, come on, let's go.'

Dave Chappelle:'Oh, Billy, I shoulda left you dead, baby, 'cause that, that was a killer.'

Billy · Dave Chappelle:Billy: 'Dave, can't you see I'm dying of cancer?' Dave: 'Look, Billy, I'm sorry, man... I-I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just... I'm just trying to teach you a lesson. You can beat cancer but if you wanna beat it, you gotta be tough, okay? And I see it in you, Billy, you're gonna make it.'

Dave Chappelle:'Half Baked sucked, anyway.'

Dave Chappelle:Chappelle backstage reassures the audience: 'Aw, that kid is fine, come on, he was acting.' Then explains the sketch originated on tour when a friend wouldn't let him win at a basketball video game even when he was 'dying of cancer'

Old Shopkeeper · Dave Chappelle:The magic camera shop — old shopkeeper sells Dave a $100 camera that can reveal people's inner selves, who they last had sex with, and where they'll be in 10 years, with the condition that Dave can never return to the store

Dave Chappelle:'Oh, snap, it gets Comic View?'

Dave Chappelle:Dave's negotiation with the shopkeeper: 'Fine, you can't come back in? Fine. You can't come outside 'cause if it don't work, I'ma be out there and whup your monkey ass.'

Dave Chappelle · Carson Daly:Carson Daly in 2013 — the 'where will they be in 10 years' camera feature shows Carson Daly hosting TRL in 2013 exactly as he does in 2003

Carson Daly (future version):'Will you little fuckers shut up?! How excited can you really be for a video you've seen 58 times in a row? Fuck!'

Dave Chappelle:Dave's 'inner thoughts' revealed by camera: 'Man, I look like that 7-Up guy. Them white girls gonna come flockin'.'

Dave Chappelle's Inner Voice:Waiting outside a party: 'I've been waiting out here for 45 minutes. Oh, I knew I should have brought a prettier friend. God, get surgery, bitch, you're so ugly.'

Dave Chappelle's Inner Voice:'Whoa, I think this Ecstasy's starting to kick in. Am I freaking out? No... yeah.'

Mike · Dave Chappelle:Dave meets 'Mike, my co-worker' who immediately says 'Yo, you a funny dude, man, you funny' then dances away to the phrase 'Don't you want me, son?'

White Party Guy:White man at the party whose inner thought voice is '(white man) And one and two, and one and two. Resume, look cool, and make my face look na-tur-al.'

White Party Guest:White man dancing alone, inner thoughts: 'And one and two, and one and two. Resume, look cool, and make my face look na-tur-al.'

Dave Chappelle:Dave to the engaged couple: 'Congratulations, uh... Charlie's girlfriend.'

Dave Chappelle:'Man, I don't know if I should mess with this camera thing. I should just turn this thing off and masturbate on the internet like I planned to.'

Dave Chappelle:Dave meets Justin Timberlake and uses the camera's '10 years in the future' feature, prompting him to name-drop their shared Star Search appearance in 1992 and Ed McMahon: 'Star search, 1992, I was with you, man... remember that, Ed McMahon? God rest his soul.'

Dave Chappelle:The camera reveals a bartender's last sex partner (presumably absurd or gross based on Dave's reaction: 'I gotta stop drinking.')

Bartender · Dave Chappelle:'Would you like some more pickles?' / Dave sees the 'last sex partner' vision and responds: 'I gotta stop drinking.'

Future Carson Daly:The camera reveals Future Carson Daly's voice again for the second time: 'How excited can you really be for a video you've seen 58 times in a row? Fuck!'

Dave Chappelle:'Fuck this camera!' — Dave smashes the camera

Dave Chappelle:Dave destroys the camera in frustration: 'Oh... ohh! Fuck this camera!' (glass shattering sound effect)

Tyrone Biggums:Tyrone Biggums finds the discarded camera: 'Oh, a camera, ooh-whee! What these buttons do? I want some crack.'

Dave Chappelle:Chappelle's sign-off: 'I'm rich, bi-atch!' (horn honking)

Fisticuffs:Fisticuffs end-credits epilogue: 'Turn your motherfuckin' stereo up, what? Turn it up, I'm serious! You not gonna hear the intricacies of the beat if the volume's so low, turn it up! And that, nigger, that's how you make a hit, bitch!'

Fisticuffs:'And that, nigger, that's how you make a hit, bitch!'

Fisticuffs:'And that, nigger, that's how you make a hit, bitch!' — Fisticuffs' final line, having never rapped a single coherent bar