Getting There 1

Ilana:A bird flew into my mouth this morning.

Abbi:Eww, again?

Abbi:Well, what could be more Zen than yoga that's suggested donation... Free.

Abbi:You catch that, suggested donation. Free.

Ilana · Abbi:Ooh, so it really smells in here. / Okay, this isn't 'Real Housewives' yoga, NeNe.

Abbi:Sure, it has a few flaws, but that's the price you pay. / You catch that, that's the price you pay.

Ilana · Abbi:Two of us to get in here. Doesn't seem like enough space for us... / It's plenty. / Is it? / Yep, now it is.

Ilana · Abbi:Oh, yeah, you can go deeper. Okay. On both shoulders.

Abbi · Ilana:Did you pack your anti-depressants? / Yep. / Your antianxiety? / Yep. / Please tell me antigas. / Yep. / Your vibrator? / Yep. / Okay, do you have your electric toothbrush?

Abbi:Great, we're both... totally packed responsibly.

Ilana:Pssht, always do.

Abbi:I have no time, fuck me, dude. Um, okay, my toothbrush, my vibrator. What'd she say, my meds?

Abbi · Ilana:This is Lincoln's suitcase. / I just have... y'know, sometimes I feel like he broke up with me too.

Ilana · Abbi:God, are you flexing? / No. / Can you? / Okay.

Bevers:Uh, Abbi? Do we live in a zoo? Because I'm pretty sure there's an elephant in the room.

Abbi:Drew Barrymore wrote an entire article about this suitcase. I splurged on this.

Bevers · Abbi:I thought Melodie bought me that suitcase. / I use it so much. / You do? / Just once.

Bevers:You guys are so Vivian Leigh and Laurence Olivier.

Bevers · Abbi:I have a way with words. / No, thank you, Bevers.

Bevers:Well, if you're not gonna say it, I will. I'm gonna miss you too.

Bevers:please leave the radio on when you're gone for Rat Bastard and her family. / We can afford it.

Jaimé · Unnamed character:Just forgot my highlighters. / Nice wrist technique.

Abbi:Hey! I saw that! Get back here! Shit! / I saw you! Shit. Fuck off! Fuck you! God dammit! Fuck!

Ilana:You know, sometimes the flight is actually my favorite part. Hit up Hudson News, get some adult magazines. Looking at boobs is the best way to relax during turbulence. It's nature's Xanax.

Ilana:You know, sometimes if I forget the mags, I look down at my own.

Abbi:Oh, I... Okay, I was talking about adult magazines like 'Real Simple' or 'O' or 'Dwell.'

Ilana:I was talking about that, too.

Subway Announcement · Ilana · Abbi:A passenger at the next stop threw herself on the tracks. / Jesus, use a bridge. / Selfish.

Abbi:It's okay. You know what? I padded the travel time. We are all good, we're all good. It's not like we left our passports or anything.

Ilana:Okay, it's been 20 minutes. How long does it take to move a fucking body off the tracks?

Abbi · Ilana:Do you have any tape? / Do I have any tape? / Yeah, I have tape. / A bunch of different kinds. / Really cute.

Abbi · Ilana:Jesus, it stinks. / Bologna? / Ugh, it's unbelievable, right? / It is unbelievable. / So salty.

Abbi · Ilana:It's like 9/11 all over again. / It's 9/112! / Return of the 9/11s!

Ilana:You know, I once saw this documentary on Vimeo about these mole people who live down in the subway. I bet that they would help us. We would probably just have to give them our shoes and cut off a little bit of our hair, but... we'll get new shoes.

Abbi:Truly impressed with you at every turn.

Abbi:Let's say we were stuck in a subway forever... Who would we fuck? Who would we marry? Who would we eat?

Ilana:Dude. Def fuck him, 'Mad Men' style. Some real standard narrative bullshit. Crusty old dude, hot young girl, and then I'd Abbi-Jeremy him to even it out. Peg.

Ilana:Bet she could teach me a thing or two, like, how to finish an article in the New Yorker. / I think I would marry her. / Wiccan wedding. / First dance to Wicked Wisdom. / Fist!

Ilana · Abbi:Okay, I would eat that baby. / Is that terrible of me? / No. / I just would. / No, it makes perfect sense.

Abbi · Ilana:She looks delicious. / You would probably be sparing her a life of tragedy and terror, living down in the subway. / Plus, I feel like babies are, like, the most delicious in terms of actual meat.

Ilana · Abbi:Desperate times. / Calling for desperate measures. / And who are we to judge our post-apocalyptic selves? / What part would you eat first? / Which part is the most tender? / Probably like, the side or the butt.

Ilana · Abbi:Dear God. Please make this subway move. / Ilana, that's not how it works. You can't just rub my butt, and the train...

Abbi · Ilana:Ow! / Did it again, the power of the butt, bitch.

Ilana · Abbi:I'm really happy we didn't have to eat the baby. / Yeah. Happy.

Ilana:Uber surge fare is 12.5. / They really reel you in, and then they wring you fucking dry with their grubby little paws right around your neck. Then they make you type in the surge fare again, it's like, I know... I know what it is.

Abbi:$1,200 from here to Gowanus back to JFK.

Ilana:I hate them. I love them, but I hate them.

Ilana:Yeah. We hotwire that cab, drive ourselves within walking distance to JFK, soak it in gasoline, and torch it so they can't trace it... Let's go.

Abbi · Ilana:I was gonna say maybe we could just knock on the door and see if they could drive us. / Oh, let's try that first.

Abbi:Hello, sir. I know that this is ridiculous, but we would like to hire you to drive us in your taxi. To a few destinations.

Anhur · Abbi:I couldn't be more off-duty. / Work is the worst, right? I get that, but listen...

Abbi · Ilana:I'm in trouble with the wife, you can understand. / ...Plus, there are good schools around here. / We are begging you.

Ilana · Abbi:This beautiful neighborhood, it's gorgeous out here. — Quaint. — Lovely, I might look at some... — So sweet. — To buy or some... — I don't know, rent, whatever. — Plus, there are good schools around here.

Ilana:How about... A crisp $100 bill from my bra?

Abbi · Ilana · Anhur:'Fast and Furious' over here. / How old are you? / 15.

Abbi:Hold on. An old lady is pushing a baby stroller full of empty cans across the street. / Waiting. / She's almost across. / Okay, now we're coming around the corner.

Abbi · Anhur · Ilana:Hey, slow down, but don't stop. / I gotcha, girl. / Hey! / Hi, honey. / Here's your passport, bye! / Thank you. / Yes! To the airport! / Love you, Himmelz! / Bye-bye, baby!

Anhur:Ooh, whoops! / Oh, my brakes! Ay, my brakes! / Ay! Hold me closer, closer, closer. / Yes, ay!

Anhur:You only get so many important moments in your life, and you have to grasp them. Will you go to prom with me? Both of you? Or one of you? I don't care... I think I love you both. Can you be in love with two people?

Ilana:Yes, you definitely can. That is one of the most dangerous misconceptions about monogamy, but we can't go with you because you're a literal child.

Abbi · Anhur:Yeah, and don't worry, you're gonna have sex one day. / I've had sex. / Look at all my fucking bracelets.

Abbi · Ilana:What the fuck are fucking bracelets? / Kids are terrifying.

Abbi · Ilana:Your period stain. / No, dude, it's an old stain. / It's a red herring, 'cause it's red and looks like a fish, kinda. / I'm packing. I'm packing heat. / I have weed in my vaginé. / Period pants are the ultimate decoy!

Ilana:Whoa! This dog is sexually harassing me!

Ilana:God! My period pants worked! / Dude, we should Shark Tank period pants, for real!

Abbi · Ilana:What the fuck! / Leave it! I'll leave mine! / No, dude, it's our whole luggage! / There, look! / Hey! / Not today, put it down! / Oh, I was just trying to take it to the lost and... / Yeah, sure you were! / Sure! / Piece of shit!

Ilana:What a sexy stare you have. / It's scary, too.

Unnamed bystander · Unnamed bystander:You should have taken the walkway. / So stubborn.

Ilana:Hey, you grabbed our boards, bro!

Abbi · Dale · Ilana:Ilana! / I got an extra ticket, let's do this! / Do what, Dale? / What the fuck is wrong with you?

Ilana · Flight Attendant:Oh! Sorry! / You fucking bitch! / I didn't mean to hit you.

Ilana · Flight Attendant:I was just trying to get one foot in the door. / It's a shoe, not a foot, and it hit me, not a door.

Flight Attendant · Ilana · Flight Attendant:We all hate her. / Thank you. / You are two lucky Jews. / We think so, too.

Abbi · Ilana:Oh, my God, we fucking made it! / Oh, God, I cannot believe we made it. / This is the longest ramp I've ever been on.

Flight Attendant · Abbi:I am so sorry, ladies. There is no more space in the overhead compartments, we'll have to check your luggage. / Actually, yours will probably be okay. So sleek and streamlined. / Lincoln... had really adult taste in luggage.

Abbi · Flight attendant:Lincoln... had really adult taste in luggage. / This is actually a really special bag, too. It's Drew's. / Sorry, this is not your bag? / No, no, no, it's mine... I packed it. It's just that Ms. Drew Barrymore highly recommends this bag.

Abbi · Flight Attendant:This bag is the bomb. Please just let me... I'm sure there's a spot. / Okay, I'm gonna shut these doors and take off. / Would you like to come with us? / Mark, can you come get this bag, please?

Abbi · Flight Attendant:Do you think it's gonna be okay? / I'm sure your bag is in really... good hands. / Thanks so much. / Whoa! Nice! / International travel is amazing.

Abbi · Flight Attendant:It's just that Ms. Drew Barrymore highly recommends this bag. If you Google, in quotes, 'Refinery 29,' in quotes, 'Drew Barrymore.' That's amazing. Unfortunately, Drew Barrymore is the only person who could carry on something that bulky.

Abbi · Flight Attendant · Ilana:No, this is first class. / We gotta keep going. / Ms. Fessiwig, champagne or orange juice? / Orange juice it is. / Oh, my God. / I know, who chooses juice over champagne? / Ew, coach.

Flight attendant:Okay, I'm gonna shut these doors and take off. Would you like to come with us?

Jared · Ilana · Abbi:Hello. Um... / Ilana. / Hi. / And... / Abbi. / Yes. / I'm Jared. Welcome to Birthmarc. / Surf's up.

First class flight attendant · Abbi · Ilana:Ms. Fessiwig, champagne or orange juice? / Orange juice it is. / Oh, my God. / I know, who chooses juice over champagne? Ew, coach.

Jared:For the next ten days, we will be traveling around the holiest place in the world, Israel. For free! / Gotcha, Jews.

Jared:our beautiful country will teach you all about Judaism, its rich history, and I'm looking at the two of you, its reproductive future.

Jared:For the next ten days, we will be traveling around the holiest place in the world, Israel. For free! Gotcha, Jews.