Burning Bridges

Ilana:The man gets off sniffing America's piss these days.

Abbi:I know, but at least it's, like, human level. It's less embarrassing.

Abbi · Ilana:God, I have such swamp ass. / Dude, thongs are the best. It eliminates an entire layer.

Ilana:Plus, it soaks up all the sweat in your... butt crack.

Abbi:I still cannot believe you are such a thong head.

Ilana:It's not for me. It's butt floss.

Ilana · Abbi:God, we're hot. / God, my butt itches.

Ilana:Yeah, man titties.

Abbi:I hope you're not talking about the kegels.

Jeremy:You know how when we have sex you tell me not to talk so you can concentrate, which I-I totally get.

Trey:Awesome sauce.

Jeremy · Abbi:Awesome sauce. / Oh, you don't have to. / Um, I, uh, I actually finished when you said yes.

Abbi:I definitely didn't though.

Ilana · Abbi:Madonna. / Rihanna. / Ilana. / Madonna, Rihanna, Ilana.

Ilana's father (Arthur) · Ilana's mother:There's been a terrible accident. / Oh my God. / Not us, on the LIE.

Ilana's mother:You buried the lead. Don't do that.

Arthur:I don't trust Google Maps. It's the cops tracking us. Steering us away from their own corruption. Wag the dog, Ilana. Wag. The. Dog.

Ilana:I saw you see us see you!

Abbi · Ilana:Oh, it only has one chair. / He's just using it as a foot rest.

Abbi:we all wish we could have ottomans in the park...

Ilana:I just straight up asked that couple over there. They're so sweet.

Ilana:Man, I feel like I haven't seen you in 'lit-roll' days.

Abbi:Training with Trey. Y'know? He's just been on me. So annoying. Get him off.

Abbi:I would not get him off!

Ilana:I am... Training Shania Twain.

Abbi:That is hysterical. That is your go to lie.

Abbi:Oh my God. That does impress-ah me much.

Lincoln:Watching that ass walk away makes me sweat, too.

Ilana:'Final-lee,' some juicy, fucking details. I want the play by play. Frame by frame.

Ilana:We haven't had a threesome with a boy yet.

Ilana:Well, uh, we will talk when we talk and I'll see you when I see you in a more professional capacity from here on out, uh, which is great.

Ilana · Lincoln:So, that's it. I'll see you. / Lincoln, wait. [runs, still running at 08:11]

Abbi · Lincoln:She's still running. / Her running is a metaphor.

Bevers:What's up with that outfit? It's confused.

Bevers:Am I at the farmer's market 'cause this is so juicy.

Bevers:I mean, I'm obviously straight, but I would absolutely suck him dry.

Bevers:Before we get started... Will you give me some dick deets?

Bevers:Knee caps, baby. Those thighs could crack a coconut. Make me a 'Vaginia-colada.'

Bevers:Oh, mommy, I would sip Dem milkbags like a Capri Sun.

Bevers:You Betty me 'Veron-ing' ya.

Abbi · Bevers:All right, now you're going too far. / Oh, here we go.

Bevers · Ilana · Abbi:I'd wrap my thighs around that big basketball head. / Ew, what the fuck. / Oh, Ilana. That's your brother.

Ilana:Sorry, but CrossFit is shredding you.

Bevers:The empire waist is reading very Mormon. You're beggin' to have his babies.

Bevers:those legs, I mean, you just got those slut legs sticking out.

Abbi · Bevers:How the fuck do you know this much about fashion? / You know, I worked every summer at my Grandma's department store in St. Louis. / Lord and Bevers.

Maître d' · Abbi:He arrived about a half an hour ago. / Am I late? / No. He was just very early.

Trey:I even moved my cheat day in case you wanna split stuff, share aps, whatever you wanna do.

Abbi:I moved my cheat day, too.

Abbi · Trey:Abbi orders the full 'pan roasted turbot with fennel pollen aioli, prosciutto, borlotti beans, parsnips, turnips and carrots' / Trey orders 'the chicken.'

Trey · Abbi:To new beginnings. / Yeah... But also, to how it is. Now. Presently. / Yes. / You know? Do you understand?

Abbi · Ilana's mother:Surprise... / Look who I found tip toeing around trying to surprise us. / I'm-I'm sneakin'.

Arthur:Ab, have yourself a lei.

Ilana's mother:You pretty little liar. / Shania my ass.

Ilana:I am very vulnerable right now, so I'm gonna need to fill you in later when I'm not around... Cannot handle her questions.

Arthur:I'm gonna have the duck. With extra breast.

Ilana's mother:We got the cemetery plot! We had a bidding war, but it was totally worth it, because we're under this beautiful, beautiful tree. And, also, most of all, we are nowhere near the Schwartz's.

Ilana:No. [beat]

Abbi:I forgot to... I need to replace my bandage. 'Cause it's fallen. It's fallen loose. It's ba... It's gonna be bad if I don't go.

Abbi:Hi, you have the wrong menu. I'm just gonna take it.

Abbi:This is great... options. You guys are cute.

Trey · Abbi:It's a... / Corsage! Yeah. / You know how you said you didn't go to prom? Well... / It's kind of a joke, but... it's also real.

Unknown man · Abbi:Oh, this is so hot. / Yeah. / My wife's totally pumpin' and dumpin' like 40 feet away.

Unknown man:What, are you retarded? Open relationships are unstable. Cheating is victimless.

Abbi:Yeah... this is... this is done. / I don't even know what I'm doing. / And lose the nipple rings.

Ilana's mother · Ilana:Where were you, Miss Ilana? / I was taking a shit if you have to know.

Ilana:You guys must be a really amazing team if you had two perfect children and have stayed together for 35 years.

Arthur:Wow. It was quite a shit, huh?

Arthur:She's always sick.

Ilana's Brother:Where's Abbi? So, these are my twin sisters... They pretend to be the same person. It's genius.

Ilana's mother · Abbi · Ilana's mother:Where'd you get the corsage, Ab? / I ran into my florist. / 'My florist,' excuse me, Queen of Sheba.

Abbi · Ilana's mother:Oh, Jesus. / My diaphragm... / I left it... / Cathy comic. / I left my diaphragm. / Diaphragm? / Yeah, I've just started using it. And I gotta go 'cause someone's gonna get it.

Ilana's mother · Arthur:What kind of florist is this? / She's cut off.

Abbi:Abbi falls down trying to slip back to Trey's table.

Unknown man · Abbi:I can't believe you remembered. / Remembered. / Four weeks ago was our first kiss. / I... obviously remember when we kissed first.

Abbi:Trey, I'm getting emotional right now. And I don't want you to see me like this.

Ilana:Sorry, there was a long line at the shit factory.

Ilana's mother:Oh, god damn lychee.

Ilana's father Arthur · Trey:Who the fuck is Trey? / Kirk Steele.

Ilana · Abbi · Ilana's mother:How did you know Trey was here? / Oh. / We're on a date. / Oh my God. / This is not... / Oh my God. / Oh my God! / The condom in your room? / The whole time? / The whole time!

Ilana's Mother · Ilana's Father:The condom in your room? The whole time? / The whole time!

Abbi · Ilana's mother:Okay, show's over. / Uh, guys, I have some big news to share. / What? / Um, I got a promotion and I'm moving to London. / No you're not. Sit down and eat your dinner.

Trey · Abbi:Trey, no, no, wait... wait. / I'm not a joke, Abbi. / I thought we were having fun and... / We were... I was having a really good time. / This really sucks, you know.

Ilana · Abbi:Like... like-like? / Like, like-like.