Bevers

Bevers:Maybe in the future if you do that, put it on, like-- Like, all six sides of the cheese brick.

Bevers · Ilana:I do know that, but I also know that you told me not to touch your stuff in the bathroom. Right. That's my mistake.

Bevers:Like a hot cookie? Soft but not moist. Or, surprise me!

Bevers:I know you don't like me to answer the door because I don't technically live here.

Bevers:I'm not your roommate's boyfriend, I'm your husband.

Abbi · Bevers:You're Jeremy Santos. No, I'm Matty Bevers.

Bevers:Chicken!

Bevers:Oh, I totally missed, Abbi! Oh!

Jeremy · Bevers:Dude, you gotta know someone you can set me up with. You know what? No, I don't. Sorry.

Abbi · Bevers:Abbi wakes up and Bevers says 'Someone had a sexy dream, huh?' — implying he witnessed or heard something

Bevers:Abbi wakes from the dream and we hear an adjacent male voice narrating: 'My neighbor Abbi is so sexy and now I have this great big humongous boner'

Bevers:Bevers refuses to go to his girlfriend's parents' house because 'it's too much presh. Her parents are like, too into me. They just think I'm really fun.'

Bevers:'It's like camp right now!' — Bevers treating a hurricane and an unwanted houseguest situation as summer fun

Bevers:Bevers's camp rap includes the line '♪ We like to eat Skittles and master the bait... ting of hooks and archery too ♪'

Bevers:'Not just with our mouths but with our mushroom caps ♪' — the camp rap escalates to explicit territory

Bevers:'Should I put my Lincoln Log on one of these cans? That is so sweet. Abbi would love it.'

Bevers:Bevers's camp defense: 'Camp was rough. Tonight brought up a lot of bad memories.' Implication: he pooped in a shoe at camp.

Bevers:Bevers: 'Only me and Greg Shapiro could blow ourselves. I was always the fastest at it. Always!'

Bevers:Bevers clarifies the self-blowing: 'I would blow myself and Greg would blow himself separate, across the room. There's a video of it! There's a...'

Abbi · Bevers:Abbi comes home to find Bevers 'straightening up the living room' — holding a blanket, surrounded by Abbi's belongings arranged as masturbation props

Bevers:Bevers: 'I wasn't even touching my wiener yet. I was still just doing butt stuff.'

Abbi · Bevers:Abbi: 'Bevers, I swear to God that better be E.R.' / Bevers: 'It's... Good Wife.'

Abbi · Bevers:Abbi: 'You have a way of tainting everything I love.' / Bevers: 'Taint? Don't.'

Bevers:Bevers's reaction shot — 'Yeah, see how it goes. You see how it goes!' — he doesn't believe she'll actually move

Bevers:Bevers quietly says 'Sorry' — a single syllable, totally unconvincing, as Abbi leaves

Bevers · Abbi:Bevers attempts to apologize with bagel bites arranged in the shape of an 'A' — 'because I know how you like to label your food'

Bevers:Bevers's extended masturbation description — 'I like to start off slow... work the tempo up and up... lick a thumb... brush it lightly against the nipples... there's a [bleep] there... I like to apply pressure... then right when I'm [bleep], I [bleep], then I [bleep] into the [bleep], hard, hard, hard. And then I [bleep], and it just— it— it— It's a very powerful feeling.'

Bevers:After Bevers's entire masturbation description, he ends with: 'Whoa, cool shirt.'

Ilana · Bevers:Ilana on the phone with Bevers to identify Benny Calitri: 'He was my "plus one"!' — and Bevers's reveal that he's 'one of my best friends'

Bevers:Hi, Abbi-Dabbi. Smells like you've been working out.

Bevers:I have been making some home improvements. This way we don't have to trudge all the way to the master fridge.

Abbi · Bevers:It's like two feet farther. — Simple. — I don't think this is a good idea. — Elegant.

Abbi · Bevers:Bevers, do you want me to get it? It's heavy. — It's clearly gonna... the floor. — Oh, (bleep).

Bevers:I'm sorry. I guess I don't know my own strength.

Abbi · Bevers:Bevers, what is on your back? — You know, I don't know. I just know it itches a lot, and it really hurts.

Abbi · Bevers:I think it's a bed sore. — I've only been sitting on the couch, so technically you're gonna have to call it a couch sore.

Bevers:She's spearheading Habitat For Humanity down there. I know everybody else has moved on to the new hip tragedy, but it's still a mess down in Haiti.

Abbi · Bevers:Hey, Abbi. — Bevers.

Bevers · Abbi:Hey, Abbi. — Bevers. [Abbi visibly horrified to see him at her gym]

Trey · Abbi · Bevers:You guys know each other? — You two boyfriend-girlfriend? — God, no. He's my roommate's boyfriend.

Bevers · Abbi:This is the only gym my friend Abbi works in, plus they provide free razors. — You have a beard.

Bevers · Abbi:I'm excited to do this with you, Abbi. We can take the subway here together. I'll break for lunch whenever you do. We help each other. — I don't need help, Bevers.

Bevers:Oh, really? 'Cause I see someone is training instead of cleaning.

Bevers · Abbi · Trey:Oh! (Farts) I'm sorry. — Okay, I think we're done. — Abbi, if you farted, it's all right. — Trey, I did not just fart. — I moved his gluteus sensitive... — Yeah, that's a woman's fart.

Bevers:Bevers: 'She just went to the can, she had to take a doody.'

Bevers:Bevers: 'I've sailed on this boat with Melody for 12 quarters now. I know all its secrets. The captain is a murderer.'

Abbi · Ilana · Bevers:They get locked in the storage room immediately after finding the liquor

Bevers:Bevers: 'Wait, wait, move out of the way. I'm gonna ram the door. The man is gonna ram the door. Wanna see me ram it?' — then immediately injures himself

Bevers · Abbi:Bevers: 'Sorry, Abbi, I broke your Starbucks gift card.' / Abbi: 'Bevers, I still had $17 on that.'

Bevers:Bevers: 'Well, maybe now you can start supporting local businesses.' — after breaking Abbi's Starbucks gift card

Bevers:Bevers calculates bar restock timing: 'If each one of them has at least three drinks per hour, that's 750 drinks every hour... They're gonna have to restock the bar in 20 to 25 minutes.'

Bevers:Bevers: 'Would you rather drink a cup of mayonnaise or a cup of jazz?' — introducing 'jazz' as a euphemism

Bevers:Bevers: 'I like to call it jazz because it comes out of my horn and you never know where it's gonna go.'

Bevers:Bevers' Patois accent: 'Me hearing a lot of chitchat. Me don't hear you answering that question, why?'

Bevers:Bevers: 'Because the shrimp is always the first thing to get eaten on these boats.' — completely reasonable explanation for pocket shrimp

Bevers:Bevers reveals the ring and vocalizes his own dramatic fanfare: 'Bom-bom bwooom.'

Bevers · Abbi:Bevers: 'Besides, we already live together.' / Abbi: 'No, you do not live together. You have your own apartment.' / Bevers: 'Jesus!'

Bevers · Abbi:Bevers asks Abbi to be his best man. Abbi's reaction: 'Bevers, you have four brothers.'

Bevers:Bevers: 'When we get out of here, I'm gonna pop the big Q in front of everybody... I already worked it out with the DJ. I'm such a showboat.'

Bevers:Bevers: 'Melody and I haven't had sex in weeks, on purpose though. It's called edging.'

Bevers:Bevers explains edging via whale blowhole analogy: 'You know how whales have that blowhole?'

Bevers:Bevers: 'Me thinks the lady doth protest too much.' — in a terrible British accent

Bevers:Bevers' proposal speech goes off the rails: 'Uh, yeah, so Abbi... [pause] ...is my best man.'

Bevers:Bevers: 'Abbi's transitioning into becoming a man, and I'm just so proud of her.'

Bevers · Abbi:Bevers: 'Because of you. You and Ilana made me realize we shouldn't be getting married yet. We're too young.' — then: 'So, you told everyone I'm transitioning into becoming a man.'

Bevers:Bevers: 'Well, somebody must've sweet-talked her, 'cause we just boned in a lifeboat. There was so much jazz.'

Abbi · Bevers:What the fuck, Bevers? / I'm sorry.

Bevers · Abbi:Sorry, Ab, the next bus out of Atlantic City isn't 'til morning. I could FaceTime with you and watch you sleep if that'll help. / All right, bye. / What... What are we doing? What's this relationship?

Bevers:What's up with that outfit? It's confused.

Bevers:Am I at the farmer's market 'cause this is so juicy.

Bevers:I mean, I'm obviously straight, but I would absolutely suck him dry.

Bevers:Before we get started... Will you give me some dick deets?

Bevers:Knee caps, baby. Those thighs could crack a coconut. Make me a 'Vaginia-colada.'

Bevers:Oh, mommy, I would sip Dem milkbags like a Capri Sun.

Bevers:You Betty me 'Veron-ing' ya.

Abbi · Bevers:All right, now you're going too far. / Oh, here we go.

Bevers · Ilana · Abbi:I'd wrap my thighs around that big basketball head. / Ew, what the fuck. / Oh, Ilana. That's your brother.

Bevers:The empire waist is reading very Mormon. You're beggin' to have his babies.

Bevers:those legs, I mean, you just got those slut legs sticking out.

Abbi · Bevers:How the fuck do you know this much about fashion? / You know, I worked every summer at my Grandma's department store in St. Louis. / Lord and Bevers.

Bevers:Uh, Abbi? Do we live in a zoo? Because I'm pretty sure there's an elephant in the room.

Bevers · Abbi:I thought Melodie bought me that suitcase. / I use it so much. / You do? / Just once.

Bevers:You guys are so Vivian Leigh and Laurence Olivier.

Bevers · Abbi:I have a way with words. / No, thank you, Bevers.

Bevers:Well, if you're not gonna say it, I will. I'm gonna miss you too.

Bevers:please leave the radio on when you're gone for Rat Bastard and her family. / We can afford it.

Bevers:Bevers: 'All my friends call me Bevers.'

Bevers · Abbi:Bevers explains the house rules: 'as a guest, the rules of the house are I never pay for food, I never do chores' — Abbi corrects him: 'No, that'd be weird.' Bevers: 'Okay. Got it.'

Bevers:Excusez-moi, mademoiselle, but, uh, who da' fresh man meant?

Bevers · Mike:I'm Matthew Bevers, I'm Abbi's roommate. Oh, hey, um... Mike, I heard.

Bevers · Abbi:Did you call me?! Bevers! No! What? Oh, shh, uh... Bevers, Jesus!

Joanne · Bevers · Abbi:Well, I'm Joanne. Joanne? I'm Matthew. Or Abbi's mom is how you should introduce yourself.

Bevers:Joanne, until next time.

Joanne · Bevers · Abbi:Oh, well... Okay. Yes, until next time. Your scarf. Thanks. Cute. Mom? Furry little bear.

Bevers:Bevers appears at the door in a robe and makes an overdramatic entrance: 'What twister blew into town and spit out you two tumbleweeds?'

Bevers:Bevers has sold ALL of Abbi's furniture while they were out — 'I sold every last bit of furniture, and I up-sold most of it... Bevers-style.'

Bevers · Abbi · Ilana:Bevers rubbing/touching them while they're coming down from MDMA — 'Okay, what are you doing? Please stop. / Ew, why are you doing this? / Bevers. Stop.'

Bevers:'And here's my commisshy.' — Bevers presents his commission

Abbi · Bevers:'Wait, Bevers, does Melanie even know I'm moving out?' / 'Oh, yeah, she knows.'

Bevers · Abbi:Bevers on the roof — sunburned nude everywhere, locked out, needs his kimono

Abbi · Bevers · Ilana:All right, Bevers, uh, you know, cover yourself up. I don't want to see your sunburned penis. / Open your eyes. / No. / It's kosher, dude. Open 'em up. / Surprise!

Bevers · Abbi:Bevers's cheese storage gift — a labeled box so no one takes Abbi's cheese at her new place