In Heat

Abbi · Ilana:Animal sound effects (chimpanzee shrieking, pigs grunting, jackals cackling) overlaid on the subway car crammed with hot, sweaty strangers

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana is clearly doing something disgusting/sexual on the subway — moaning, prompting Abbi's exasperated 'Ilana, come on.'

Abbi · Ilana:Whatever is discovered at the back of the subway car causes Abbi to gag and both women to flee in horror

Ilana:Ilana's theory that fat men's dicks get 'sucked back inside their bodies' delivered with total scientific confidence

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'What, so it's like the best optical illusion of all time?' / Ilana: 'Exactly. Like, um, Mount Rushmore, how it looks, you know, like the presidents?'

Abbi:Abbi's correction: 'Well, Mount Rushmore is actually a sculpture. Like, it was carved by an artist.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'Dude, this heat is like killing me right now... All my senses are heightened, even my ethnic ambiguity. I was catcalled today in what I believe is creole.'

Abbi:Abbi: 'Well, I'm on the edge of like swamp ass right now. I need some A/C.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana and Abbi arrive at a drugstore/pharmacy and Ilana announces 'We're gonna have to throw these out' while apparently looking at their underwear/clothes in the store mirror under good lighting

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana's Colin Farrell sex tape monologue: timestamping specific moments ('8:58 he is feasting on her [bleep] like it is a dang milk shake'), complete with Irish accent impersonation

Abbi:Abbi responding in an Irish accent: ''Twas 8:58 you said, sire?'

Abbi · Ilana:The Colin Farrell breakdown is interrupted when they realize a New York mom with a stroller is within earshot — 'Oh. So sorry. We love New York moms.'

Abbi:Abbi buys the underwear she's been wearing in the store because they are 'now, like, sort of part of my body'

Male Stacey · Abbi:Male Stacey reveals his 'plan': invite Abbi over, hide that he has no A/C, get her clothes off via heat

Abbi:Abbi alone in the bathroom talking herself down — 'Just cool down, Abbi. You're cool, you're cool... Cool mode.' — then using a hair dryer to blow-dry her sweat

Ilana:Ilana at a party declaring 'All Hollywood media is porn, and all porn is kiddie porn' to a stranger

Ilana · Stranger:The stranger excuses herself to 'run to the little girl's room' and Ilana immediately calls this 'rape culture language'

Ilana:Ilana corrects someone for saying 'little girl's room': 'That is rape culture language right there.'

Man at party:The stranger's husband met her 'at a Foot Locker in Times Square. She was just hanging out. She wasn't buying anything, she was just chilling.'

Abbi · Male Stacey:Male Stacey and Abbi struggle to remove her extremely tight pants due to the heat — she has to hold the bed while he pulls on three

Male Stacey · Abbi:Male Stacey tries to remove Abbi's pants; they won't come off because of the heat-induced sweat — 'They're really on there.' Stacey: 'I'm gonna hold the bed, you just pull, okay?'

Abbi · Male Stacey:The paper towels reveal: Abbi confesses she shoved paper towels in her butt crack to absorb swamp ass and forgot they were there

Male Stacey:Male Stacey: 'That's a lot of paper towels. Do you recycle?'

Ilana:Ilana at the party confessional: 'I make more eye contact with this face than any human being's face. It's crazy. I love "watching" it.'

Abbi · Male Stacey:Abbi calling out 'Male Stacey!' with increasing urgency during sex, building from 'Stacey' to 'Stacey!' to 'Stace?' to 'Male Stacey!'

Ilana · Abbi:The jackhammer punning scene: Ilana shouts 'So, to clarify, you raped—' and the jackhammer starts; when it stops, she says '—him.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'That is literally what "they" say.' / Abbi: 'Yeah, but I really mean it.' / Ilana: 'So do "they".'

Abbi:Abbi: 'My God, I raped him, dude. I... I raped male Stacey. I'm a monster. I need an air conditioner, immediately!'

Ilana:Ilana on moving the fans: 'I was gonna say something, but I didn't want to step on anyone's toes, you know, 'cause like, I don't work here.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana considers a turbie twist for Lincoln, then: 'Probably not, 'cause he doesn't have any hair.'

Ilana:Ilana's confession: 'We don't... we don't talk. We hook up, I smoke him up, we watch TV. It's great.'

Abbi · Store employees:Abbi is greeted by name by multiple store employees with enthusiasm — it emerges she is a regular to an embarrassing degree; she denies coming in 'that much'

Store employee · Abbi:An employee has named a cutting board 'the Abbi' — 'I've been calling it "the Abbi."'

Ilana · Store employee · Abbi:Ilana and an employee do a choreographed handshake/dance routine that Abbi doesn't know — 'Oh, my God, she doesn't do dances with me.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana's Facebook status draft: 'Seeking air conditioner, free to cheap. Thanks. Bye, guys.' — Abbi: '"Bye, guys" is my favorite part.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana and Abbi split up to find a cab: 'I'll look for a cab on the side streets, you take the avenue.' / 'Genius. All angles.' Ilana: 'Whoo!'

Ilana:Ilana screams 'Come on, New York! Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes! Brb! Ab, I got one! Right back here! Are you (bleep) kidding me?!' — celebrating finding a cab with full theatrical intensity

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'I want more panache. I want more spunk, more jizzy-jazz.' / Abbi: 'Eww, okay.'

Ilana:Two people immediately respond to Ilana's Facebook post — Ilana: 'Oh, my God. That's so embarrassing. They are like up Facebook's butthole, no shame!'

Ilana:First response is from Ilana's old babysitter 'who, if I'm being honest, potentially broke up my parents.'

Ilana · Bevers:Ilana on the phone with Bevers to identify Benny Calitri: 'He was my "plus one"!' — and Bevers's reveal that he's 'one of my best friends'

Ilana:Ilana: 'You know, I've never been to this neighborhood before, but I'm not scared, 'cause I'm with a stone cold rapist!'

Ilana:Ilana: 'It's reverse rapism. You are raping rape culture.'

Benny:Benny Calitri is filming a testimonial for his Amazing Race submission while giving away his A/C — 'I'm just a guy looking for a challenge that'll change his life forever.'

Benny:Benny recruits them to carry boxes to his truck in exchange for the A/C, then narrates their arrival to his camera: 'A couple of my best friends showed up. Even though they were pretty stacked, I've got to keep my eye on the prize...'

Benny · Abbi · Ilana:The A/C turns out to be broken — Benny assumed 'broke-ass' in the post meant 'broken'

Abbi:Abbi to Benny about his mom dropping out of Amazing Race: 'Maybe your dad should have pulled out.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana: 'Maybe your dad should have pulled out.' Abbi: 'Whoa, dude.' Ilana: 'That was awesome. I just thought of that.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana's spontaneous adoption theory: the A/C she left in college is like a baby given up for adoption — 'she should be able to go and get that baby back whenever she pleases.' Abbi: 'I can't... I can't get into adoption with you again.'

Ilana · Security guard · Abbi:Ilana tries to get Abbi into the college dorm by claiming they're 'loving lesbians' when the security guard questions the expired ID — then when he says he doesn't care about that, she pivots to 'I guess it's because we're straight, then? The straight girls of 2015 shafted yet again!'

Security guard · Ilana:Security guard: 'You kids are all straight, and you're all gay.' Ilana: 'Thank you. Thank you, sir.'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana and Abbi pose as R.A.s in a dorm room 'raid' — Ilana: 'This is a spontaneous room raid. Whoo!'

Dorm resident:Dorm room guy claims his uncle is Adam Corolla as apparent intimidation — delivered as a credible threat

Abbi:The fake room raid escalates: Abbi finds vodka — 'Mad vodka, huh? Good stuff, huh? And it's also against the rules. Strike uno!'

Ilana · Abbi:Ilana sniffs out weed hidden in the wall, Lassie-style — 'What is it, girl? What is it?'

Dorm residents · Ilana:'Who would leave weed in a wall, anyway?' — Ilana: 'A weed genius! And she'd leave it there indefinitely, in case of emergency.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi and Ilana decide not to report the violations, then 'punish' the students by making them smoke all the weed in a bong hotbox

Abbi · Dorm resident:Resident: 'Also... what does this have to do with the A/C?' Abbi: 'These are the rules, and when you graduate and get a real job like an R.A., we can talk about it.' Resident: 'R.A.s are students.' Abbi: 'When you graduate, we can talk about what an R.A. is and isn't.'

Ilana:As punishment, Ilana forces the dorm residents to smoke 'the whole bag' — she's basically hotboxing them with her own weed, recovered from the wall

Ilana:Ilana on her app idea: 'I invented this app... Well, okay, I didn't invent it yet, but soon. It's this photo app that adds lasers to images — lasers coming out of eyes, or nipples, or buttholes.'

Unknown companion:Her companion: 'That'd be pretty cool, if it wasn't already an app.'

Ilana · Companion:Ilana claims to have invented Bleepy; companion says 'Of course! Bleepy is huge!' Then Ilana: 'It's obviously not my only capitalist venture at this time.'

Ilana · 16-year-old:Ilana asks the companion's age; he says 16. Ilana: 'Oh, I've done it again.'

Ilana:Ilana: 'I'm a repeated sex offender. I'm a monster, and I just have to deal with that, so...'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'So, you made out with a minor. You finished a couple of moments after a dude went unconscious. You're a sex offender at worst! Welcome to the club.' Ilana: 'There's a club?'

Ilana:The meal card stolen from 'Reginald Corolla' has $3,600 on it — Ilana: 'This asshole's got $3,600 on his meal card.'

Abbi · Ilana:Abbi: 'I am honored and thrilled that you would steal something for me.' Ilana: 'I feel like a fugitive.' Abbi: '...And if anyone asks, I'll say the one-armed man took it.'

Abbi:Abbi introduces the cats to their new bed (her sweatshirt): 'You got me, daddy-maddy. You got Odysseus, Medusa, Artemis, Hermes. You got Drew—' (horrified pause) 'Guys, where is Drew?'

Abbi · Ilana:The air conditioner is installed and it's so cold it's 'like a whole other apartment' — they stand in front of it in ecstasy

Abbi · Ilana · Male Stacey:Male Stacey is revealed to have been in Abbi's apartment the whole time, watching them ecstatically enjoy the A/C — 'Who the (bleep) are you?' / 'How did you get into my apartment?' / 'You (bleep) perv! Get in that box!'