The One With Mrs. Bing

Monica:Oh my God, don't look now, but there's a really cute guy behind us.

Rachel:What? Where?

Monica:I said don't look!

Rachel:I'm not looking, I'm just... okay, I looked a little. Oh wow, he is cute.

Monica:I know, right? But don't get excited. Guys like that... they break your heart, they mess with your head, they make you question everything about yourself, and then they disappear and you never hear from them again and you're left wondering what you did wrong for the rest of your life.

Rachel:Okay, so... a normal guy.

Rachel:Hi. I'm Rachel. What's your name?

Monica · Rachel:We should do something. Whistle. / I'm not whistling.

Rachel:Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!

Monica:Oh my God, I can't believe I did that! I was so embarrassing!

Monica:I just imagined this whole romantic scenario in my head where he would sweep me off my feet and we'd have this perfect moment...

Monica:Instead I tripped over my own feet and knocked over his drink!

Monica:Come on, wake up! Wake up! Come on, you Girl Scout!

Rachel:Why do you keep calling him John Doe? His name isn't even John!

Chandler:Well, a doe is a deer, so...

Rachel:Yeah, Monica, maybe you should stop.

Monica · Rachel:Even sleeping he looks smart. Yeah, but the dents in his knuckles mean he's artistic.

Monica:He could be a really smart guy who's also very artistic. Like an architect!

Rachel:And he can dance. And he's the kind of guy who, when you're talking, he's listening, not saying 'I understand' but really wondering what you look like naked.

Monica:He's been in a coma for three weeks. Do you think he's going to wake up?

Rachel:I don't know. The doctors said he's stable, but he's still unconscious.

Chandler:Well, that's better than being conscious and stable. That would just be a guy lying in a bed doing nothing.

Rachel:I can't believe you said 'whoo-hoo.' I don't even say 'whoo-hoo.'

Chandler:My mom's in adult films. Not like, you know, adult films, but she's in movies that adults watch. She was in Weekend at Bernie's.

Chandler:Yeah, and I've been actively steering people away from it for years.

Chandler:You should watch Weekend at Bernie's instead. It has 47 groin hits!

Chandler:You wouldn't think so if you were 11 and your friends were passing around page 79 of Mistress Bitch.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. Page 79? Oh! Oh! I remember page 79!

Chandler:You do?

Joey:Yeah! That's where... that's where your thing... and then she did that thing with her mouth!

Chandler:So when is Janice coming back?

Joey:Why would you want her to come back?

Chandler:I'm going to call her Rigatoni.

Chandler:So, did Monica get back okay?

Joey:Yeah, her flight landed an hour ago.

Chandler:Oh good. I was worried. I mean, I wasn't worried worried, but you know, I was kind of hoping for a little plane crash.

Chandler:My mom was arrested.

Ross:What? Why?

Chandler:Apparently she's a jewel thief. I'm so proud. Most guys get their criminal tendencies from their dads. I got mine from my mom.

Joey:What? Food cravings? That's it?

Nora on TV:Yes, I just get really hungry afterwards.

Joey:Oh thank God. I thought you were gonna say something else.

Nora on TV:I've been craving kung pao chicken all day.

Nora on TV:You know what? I'm going to call that place and ask them to give me a really big tip.

Joey:So there I was, completely naked, right? And Nora walks in...

Chandler:Oh my God.

Joey:She just stands there staring at me, and I'm like 'Hey Nora, how ya doin'?'

Chandler:No, no, no, no, no.

Chandler:My mom's coming to New York? From TV? That's... that's not how this works. That's not how any of this works.

Chandler:Usually when my mom visits, she just calls me names and makes me feel bad about my life choices. Now she's going to do it in person AND on television?

Nora on TV:I'm a fabulous mom. I'm always there for my kids. Just last week, I took my son to his little league game, and I wasn't even high.

Chandler:My mother told me about condoms. At dinner. In front of my father. While we were eating meatloaf. I have never been so mortified in my entire life. I couldn't even look at the meatloaf the same way again.

Chandler:And teams played sports.

Chandler:My mother told me she had a craving for food after sex.

Chandler:I said, 'Mom, that's what the Zagat guide is for!'

Chandler:Why would you say that to me?

Monica:Because you need to hear it - you're being ridiculous.

Chandler:Me? Ridiculous? I'm the most normal person in this group!

Joey:Dude, you just wore a Christmas sweater in July.

Immediately bringing up painful personal topic

Ross:I wish she was a lesbian.

Ross:I'm not a shot-drinking guy.

Ross:I'm more of a wine guy.

Chandler:Yeah, that's what we figured.

Ross:But I'll do a shot.

Ross:Hey, hey, I'm a paleontologist! I can help! I can... I can carbon date that!

Joey:I gotta go number two.

Monica:I want to be a writer.

Chandler:Oh yeah? What are you gonna write?

Monica:Romance novels.

Chandler:Oh, that's great. So the formula is: thin, rich, beautiful woman meets rich, handsome man. They have problems that are solved by sleeping together.

Monica:That's not true!

Chandler:Really? Because that's every book in this apartment.

Nora:What's bothering you? Is it jealousy of Paolo?

Ross:No, it's jealousy of Rachel.

Ross's Mom:Why do you sell those books?

Ross:Because they have pictures of shirtless men on the cover, and apparently that's all women want.

Ross:Wait, wait. How long has this been going on?

Ross:Well, I mean, if my mom says I'm a hero, then I guess I'm a hero.

Chandler:Yeah, and we all know what heroes wear.

Ross:What?

Chandler:Tight shirts that show their nipples.

Joey:Could I BE any more desperate?

Monica:It was just a kiss, it was no big deal.

Joey:No big deal? Monica, that's like Superman saying flying is no big deal!

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! There's a hierarchy here, okay? You can kiss your mom, your dad, your sister, your brother... but your cousin? That's where we draw the line!

Monica:Joey, that's not a real rule.

Joey:It's not? Well, it should be!

Chandler:Yeah, we'd be inside right now, but Joey overslept.

Joey:I did not oversleep!

Chandler:You were still in bed when we left.

Joey:I was meditating!

Monica:We were just... at the movies.

Chandler:Yeah, the 7:15 showing.

Joey:Of that movie with the guy in it.

Monica:We bought tickets at the window, not online.

Chandler:The ticket guy had a mole. On his left cheek. Or was it his neck?

Joey:He was wearing a vest. A brown vest with four buttons. One of them was missing.

Monica:We sat in row G. Seats 14, 15, and 16. The couple next to us was fighting about hummus.

Chandler:We got popcorn. Extra butter. Well, medium butter. Actually, no butter at all because the machine was broken.

Joey:So we got nachos instead. But the cheese was cold. Really cold. Like it had been in a freezer for... six weeks.

Monica:You two are lying and you're doing it in perfect unison. It's like a creepy synchronized swimming team of deceit.

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! My mother is not just beautiful, she's handsome!

Joey:Hey, my mother was a beautiful woman! She had a tough time giving birth to me, but that doesn't make her less attractive.

Chandler:We need the industrial-strength lint roller. The one with the titanium handle.

Joey:And we're gonna need at least three humidifiers. For the... humidity.

Chandler:Right. Plus a de-humidifier. To balance it out.

Joey:Oh! And one of those machines that goes 'ding' when your laundry's done.

Chandler:We already have those.

Joey:Yeah, but we need a second one. In case the first one breaks from all the dinging.

Monica:Okay, we need to talk about something.

Rachel:What?

Monica:Your volleyball team. I went to your game last Tuesday and there was no game.

Rachel:What are you talking about?

Monica:The court was closed. For renovations. For two weeks.

Rachel:Oh... that.

Monica:And yesterday when you said you had practice, I drove by the gym. You were at the mall.

Rachel:Okay, fine! We're not really playing volleyball!

Monica:I know! Your sneakers still have the price tag on them!

Rachel:I wasn't at the hospital!

Monica:Really? Because I remember you being very concerned about what gown he was wearing.

Ross:Okay, okay, I'm not drunk, I'm just... I'm just very tired. And I need to tell you all something very important.

Ross:We are gathered here today to discuss the... the... the parameters of our... our cohabitation situation...

Ross:Which is to say, the... the... *clears throat* ...the dimensional aspects of our residential... spatialness.

Joey:You know, knowledge is a tricky thing.

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! You can't just slam doors in people's faces!

Chandler:She slammed the door on me!

Joey:That's not right. That's not right at all. People have feelings, you know?

Monica:Did you finish your romance novel?

Rachel:Yes! But I'm worried about one thing. Is 'throbbing member' one word or two?

Monica:Two words. Why?

Rachel:Oh my God. I've been writing 'throbbing membr' this whole time.

Joey:Look at my parents' wedding photo. My mom was so hot back then.

Joey:Then she got pregnant with me and, well... let's just say the glow wore off.

Phoebe:Oh, he doesn't need a mind... He doesn't need a heart... He just needs my love... He's in a coma.

Joey:Hey Chandler, how's your mother?

Chandler:She's fine, why?

Joey:Well, I've been thinking about becoming a father... to her son!

Ross:It's not that simple, Chandler. There are layers to this. I mean, we have history, and there's the whole thing with Rachel, and then there's Monica, and then—

Chandler:You like her.

Ross:We were just... we were just checking each other for ticks!

Chandler:Yeah, we're very thorough.

Chandler:Oh, you want stage directions? Fine. 'Chandler slowly approaches Monica, their eyes locked in an intense gaze.'

Monica:What are you doing?

Chandler:'He gently takes her hand, his fingers intertwining with hers as soft music plays in the background.'

Monica:Stop it!

Chandler:'Now he leans in closer, his lips nearly touching hers, whispering words of passion and desire.'

Joey:Dude, that's not a Greek play, that's a Cinemax late-night special!

Monica:Oh my God, he's in a coma. I should probably visit him.

Chandler:Monica, you went to see him yesterday.

Monica:I know, but I feel like I should go again. We have such a connection.

Ross:Monica, the guy's been in a coma for three weeks. I don't think he knows you exist.

Monica:That's not the point! We're bonding!

Phoebe:I thought he was different from other men.

Phoebe:He was in a coma.

Chandler:Mom, I need to talk to you about something. You always said Ross was my best friend.

Chandler's Mother:Well, of course he is, sweetheart.

Chandler:That's the problem! He's not my best friend — he's just Ross!

Joey:She said, 'Joey, you need to think about your future.'

Chandler:Oh my God, she's dying.

Joey:No, she's not dying!

Chandler:She said think about your future. That's what people say before they tell you they're dying.

Monica:Oh my God, Rachel! You wrote 'He grabbed her heaving beasts'!

Rachel:What? No I didn't!

Monica:Yes you did. It's right here. 'Beasts.' You typed 'beasts.'

Rachel:Oh my God, that's a typo! It's supposed to be 'breasts!'

Joey:Monica, look at this! I got another typo in my script. It says 'She beasts down and picks up the phone.'

Monica:Joey, that's 'bends,' not 'beasts.'

Joey:I know it's a typo!

Monica:Well, maybe you do have beasts. I mean, you do bend at the waist, the knees, and the elbows. You have all those joints. Those are your beasts!

Joey:Monica, those are bones, not beasts.

Monica:Oh! Well, that explains a lot.

Chandler:Oh my God, they made a typo in the romance novel. It says 'He ran his hands over her soft pens.'

Monica:That's not a typo, that's a bestseller waiting to happen.

Chandler:Could I BE any more aroused by these huge, throbbing pens?

Monica:Chandler, those are just pens.

Chandler:Yeah, but look at them. They're so... firm. So ready to write.

Joey:Dude, it's a pen.

Chandler:A pen that's made love to me with its ballpoint tip.

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. Let me see that. 'Her public hair cascaded down her shoulders.' Public? PUBIC! There's a typo!

Chandler:So what? It's just a typo.

Joey:Just a typo? Chandler, this is a romance novel. 'Public hair' completely changes the meaning!