Chandler Bing

Wait, does he eat chalk?

Sounds like a date to me.

They weren't looking at you before?

And I just want a million dollars!

You can see where he'd have trouble.

Does he sell it, drink it? Or he just complains a lot?

I didn't catch your name. Paul?

Although, Aruba. This time of year? Talk about your.. big lizards.

I would have to say that is an L-shaped bracket. - Which goes where? - I have no idea.

Say her - Leg?

We haven't had a relationship that's lasted longer than a Mento.

I think it's, 'If I can invade Poland, there's nothing I can't do.'

Once I was a wooden boy A little wooden boy

If you listen closely, you can hear a thousand retailers scream.

Everything you need to know is in that first kiss. / Yeah, I think, for us... kissing is pretty much like an opening act. I mean, it's like the stand-up comedian you have to sit through... before Pink Floyd comes out.

Oh. Looks like she didn't leave in such a hurry after all.

I think this is the episode of Three's Company... where's there's some kind of misunderstanding. / Then I've already seen this one.

Yes, we know how cruel a parent can be... about the flatness of a child's pillow.

You don't get a lot of 'doy' these days.

I mean, presumably, the biggest part of your job is done.

You're a twin? / Oh, yeah. We don't speak. / She's like this high-powered, driven, career-type. / What does she do? / She's a waitress.

Well, no, although I did have an imaginary friend... who my parents actually preferred.

I don't know, but I think it's about to attack the Enterprise.

"You've been so good for three years." "And this is my reward."

"Okay, so this time I won't quit."

"I'm sorry, I can't do this. Can't do it. We loved him."

"He was like that Bugs Bunny cartoon where Bugs is playing all the positions. But instead of Bugs, it was first base, Alan. second base, Alan..."

"Yeah, it's his innate Alan-ness that we adore."

"Maybe it's a contest, you know? Like 'Collect all five.'"

"So I have a flaw. Big deal. Like Joey's constant knuckle-cracking isn't annoying?"

"And Ross, with his over-pronouncing every single word."

"And Monica, with that snort when she laughs. I mean, what the hell is that thing?"

"You know, there's nothing wrong with speaking correctly." "Indeed there isn't."

"The bottom line is, smoking is cool, and you know it."

"If I had a sock on my hand for 30 years, it'd be talking too."

"Joey ate my last stick of gum, so I killed him. Do you think that was wrong?"

"Ooh, I'm alive with pleasure now."

"Yeah, all right."

There's always one guy. "If I had a wish, I'd wish for three more wishes."

Less than 100 steps from our place to here.

Well, aren't we Mr. The-Glass-Is-Half-Empty?

What are you doing? / I have no idea.

You can totally, totally live on this. / Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Well, the label promises nutty goodness.

But you know that, or we'd be in the predicament room.

My face is dented.

I am so very sorry. Can I sign you?

Louder. There's a man on the 12th floor in a coma who didn't hear you.

Man, can you believe he's only had sex with one woman?

I thought you were great in Silence of the Lambs.

So Saturday night, the big night. Date night! Saturday night. Saturday night!

- No plans, huh? - Not a one.

I mean you break up with Janice. I'll break up with Tony. You're breaking up with Tony? I know. He's sweet, but it's just not fun anymore. I don't know if it's me or his hunger strike.

Ew. I don't wanna do that.

Moose and squirrel. Whatever you want.

That's it? Yeah, it was really hard. Yeah, the hug looked pretty brutal.

You can do this. It's like pulling off a Band-Aid. Just do it really fast, and then the wound is exposed.

I hit her in the eye! I hit her in the eye! This is the worst breakup in the history of the world!

How do you do that? It's like a gift.

We should always, always break up together. I'd like that.

I'm free! I'm free!

The exclamation point scares me. It's not just Freud, it's Freud!

She makes the women I dream about look like short, fat, bald men.

Could she be more out of my league? Ross, back me up. He could never get a woman like that in a million years.

Hi. Um... Ahem. Okay, next word would be... uh, Chandler. Chandler is my name and, uh... [CLEARS THROAT] Hi!

Yes, you said that. Yes! Yes, I did. But what I didn't say... What I wanted to say was, uh... would you like to go out with me? Thank you. Good night.

She said yes! She said yes! Awful play, man! Whoa!

Her name's Aurora. She's Italian and she pronounces my name 'Chandler.' I like that better.

An agency left me its card. Maybe they wanna sign me! Based on this play? Based on this play!

I've been here seven seconds, and you haven't asked me how my date went.

All right, once... once I got on the subway, right? And it was at night... and I rode it all the way to Brooklyn... just for the hell of it.

Suddenly, we realized we were in Yemen. I'm sorry, so 'we' is? 'We' is me and Rick. Who's Rick? My husband.

I'm sorry. So you're widowed? Hopefully?

So how would your husband feel about you sitting here with me... sliding your foot so far up my leg... you can count the change in my pocket?

I had trouble with it at first, but I get all the good stuff. All the fun, all the talking, all the sex... and no responsibility. This is every guy's fantasy!

When I'm with a woman, I need to know... that I'm going out with more people than she is.

Ta-da! Are we greeting each other this way now? I like that.

All right, you madcap gal! Try to imagine this. The phone bill arrives, but you don't pay it right away. Why not? Because you're a kook!

A glass is on the table. There's no coaster. It's a cold drink. It's a hot day. Beads of condensation are inching their way closer to the wood... Stop it!

After all your years of struggling... you've finally been able to crack your way into show business.

[CHANDLER YELLS] My eyes! My eyes!

Well, I only have 20 minutes until Ethan, so... Do I sense a bit of resentment?

No, actually, I meant my fingers. Look at them. Look at how happy they are.

So you're not completely fulfilled by Rick, Ethan and myself? No, that's not exactly what I was... Most women would kill... for three guys like us.

But there's this other guy. It's the guy who wells up every time the Grinch's heart... grows three sizes and breaks that measuring device.

Sorry, the first guy runs the lips.

It felt like a 'big guy' moment.

Really? Just casually strewn about... in that reckless, haphazard manner?

Phoebe's song performance is abruptly cut off; Chandler's 'What--?' reaction and the scene transition to blackout news suggests the song was terrible or awkwardly received

Chandler's internal monologue: 'It's her. It's that Victoria Secret model. Something Goodacre... Jill Goodacre.' Followed by 'I am trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre.'

Chandler's silent response to his own tangent about 'vestibule vs. atrium'—his self-directed: 'Yeah, that is the part to focus on, you idiot.'

Chandler nervous to Jill: 'Oh, some guy. I am some guy.' And Jill's dismissive agreement: 'I don't know. Some guy.' Sets up the running joke of Chandler being nobody to her.

Chandler's nervous attempt to break silence with Jill: tries to smile, realizes he's scaring her, then makes an awkward gesture. Internal monologue: 'Do something. Just make contact. Smile. There you go. You're definitely scaring her.'

Chandler offers Jill the phone: 'Would you like to call somebody?' Jill responds: 'Yeah, about 300 guys I went to high school with.'

The running sequence of Chandler trying to tell his friends he's trapped with Jill Goodacre but mumbling so badly that no one understands. He tells Monica and Joey in mumbles, they finally understand via Joey's reaction 'He's trapped in an ATM vestibule with Jill Goodacre.'

Rachel's turn: She initially refuses, then admits: 'The weirdest place would have to be...the foot of the bed.' Monica says: 'Step back. We have a winner.' Chandler adds: 'I've never had a relationship with that kind of passion.'

Chandler's extended monologue about Rachel's lack of passion compared to Ross's Disneyland story. Rachel responds: 'Well, Barry wouldn't even kiss me on a miniature-golf course.' Chandler: 'And you didn't marry him because...?'

Chandler delivers a cynical monologue about passion burning out over time, but 'what you're left with is trust and security and, uh...In my ex-wife's case, lesbianism.'

Chandler reassures Rachel about her romantic future: 'I see...big passion in your future.' Rachel is touched: 'Ross, you're so great.' Ross's internal response: 'Ah. It's never gonna happen.'

The extended 'Friend Zone' conversation: Chandler tells Ross he's in the friend zone. Ross denies it. Chandler escalates: 'No, Ross. You're mayor of the Zone.' Ross claims he's 'laying the groundwork' and will ask Rachel out 'soon.' Chandler: 'Every day I get a little bit closer to, uh...Priesthood.'

Chandler pressures Ross to confess his feelings to Rachel immediately. Ross resists: 'I'm waiting for the right moment.' Chandler pushes: 'What's the right moment? What's messing you up? The wine? The candles? The moonlight?' Ross finally admits the conditions are perfect. Chandler: 'You gotta go up to her and say, Look, Rachel, I think--'

Chandler is nervous with Jill Goodacre. She offers him gum: 'Would you like some gum?' Chandler asks: 'Is it sugarless?' She: 'Uh, sorry, it's not.' Chandler: 'Then, no, thanks.' Internal monologue: 'What the hell was that? Mental note: If Jill Goodacre offers you gum, you take it. If she offers you mangled animal carcass, you take it.'

Chandler's continued self-criticism: 'Mental note: If Jill Goodacre offers you gum, you take it. If she offers you mangled animal carcass, you take it.'

Monica worries: 'Poor little Tootie's scared. We should find his owner.' Chandler: 'Why not put poor little Tootie in the hall? During a blackout? She'll get trampled.' Monica: 'Yeah?'

Chandler's internal monologue about the gum: 'Gum would be perfection? Gum would be perfection. I could have said, Gum would be nice. I'll have a stick. But, no. For me, gum is perfection. I loathe myself.'

Monica explains Paolo's arrival: 'The cat turned out to be Paolo's cat. Isn't that funny?' Chandler responds sarcastically: 'That is funny. And Rachel keeps touching him.' Monica repeats the explanation, adding: 'And I'm guessing, since nobody told me, this is Paolo?' implying she's been left out of the loop again.

Chandler mentally coaches himself while sitting with Jill: 'All right. Okay. What next? Blow a bubble. A bubble's good. It's got a, uh, boyish charm. It's impish. Here we go.' He blows a bubble. It pops. His panic: 'Nice going, imp-. Okay. It's okay. All I need to do is reach over and put it back in my mouth. Good save. We're back on track and I'm...chewing someone else's gum. This is not my gum. Oh, my God. Oh, my God. And now you're choking.'

After Chandler chokes and recovers with Jill's help (without him asking), there's an awkward beat. He says: 'Thank you. That was... That was...' Jill: 'Perfection?' Chandler: '[beat] Yes.' The callback is reinforced—Chandler used the word 'perfection' about the gum earlier, and now Jill uses it to describe the choking incident ironically.

Paolo and Rachel interact while others observe. Monica asks: 'What'd he say that was so funny?' Rachel: 'I have absolutely no idea. That's classic.' Chandler: 'My God, you guys. What am I doing? This is so un-me. If you want, I'll do it. I know. I just wanna bite his bottom lip. But I won't.' Phoebe: 'God. The first time he smiled at me...those three seconds were more exciting than three weeks in Bermuda with Barry.'

Chandler and Monica try to learn how to spin a disk (presumably a romantic skill to impress Jill/others). The sequence shows failed attempts. Then: 'Look, look. The last candle's about to burn out. Ten, nine, eight, seven...minus 46, minus 47, minus 48...' implying the power might come back on, so their romance countdown is absurdly negative.

Jill says goodbye to Chandler: 'Well, goodbye, Chandler. I had a great blackout. See you.' The implication is that she'll probably never see him again; she's leaving without exchanging contact info or making plans.

Chandler's final line to the security camera: 'Hi. Um, I'm account number 7143457. And I don't know if you got any of that...but I would really like a copy of the tape.' He's asking for a recording of his interaction with Jill Goodacre.

Ah, you see, perfect might be a problem. Had you said 'co-dependent', or 'self-destructive'...

He's a he?

WHAT IS IT?!

Oh, oh, a quality, good, because I was worried you guys were gonna be vague about this.

So he's calling from Rome. I could do that. Just gotta go to Rome.

Because I could get a Brian. Believe you me. ...I'm really not.

It's stuff like that, isn't it?

Check it out, Giants-Cowboys. You're watching a football game at a funeral? No, it's the pre-game. I'm gonna watch it at the reception.

God, what a great day. ...What? Weather-wise!

Sorry- Hi, I'm Dorothy's daughter. Hi, I'm Chandler, and I have no idea who Dorothy is.

He is? Yup, and way out of your league.

Out of my league. I could get a Brian. If I wanted to get a Brian, I could get a Brian. Hey, Brian.

That's funny. I was thinking you look more like, Joey Tribbiani, man/woman.

Very difficult to enjoy Thanksgiving dinner once you've seen it in reverse.

Tonight, on a very special Blossom.

An 80-foot dog over the city? How often does that happen? -Almost never.

Here's to a lousy Christmas! -And a crappy New Year!

Where? Oh. Well. That's festive.

That is so cruel. Why would a parent name their child Bethel?

That's 'pathet.' Sanskrit for 'really cool way to live.'

You might wanna open with the snowman.

That guy's going home with a note.

That guy's going home with more than a note.

This was a pact! This was your pact! I couldn't handle the pressure. I snapped!

Must mock Joey.

Nice shoes, huh? God, you're killing me!

But make sure it seems like you're there to see him. You're not doing it for me. Okay. But if he asks, I'm not going to lie.

You know more than one Fun Bobby? I happen to know a Fun Bob.

There's no room for milk. There. Now there is.

So I'll be the only one alone when the ball drops? We'll have a big party, and no one will know who's with who. I'll know.

What juggling thing? With the socks? I figured you taught him that. No. It wasn't that big a deal. Just socks. And a melon.

You remember Janice. Vividly.

Now. It's amazing. We've been back together for what... like 10 minutes, and— Is that all?

It's like we were never apart. Of course, we were, but— Forgive and forget. Well, forget.

He doesn't have to spend the whole evening with me... but at least check in.

Kill me. Kill me now.

Please kiss me at midnight!

You seen Sandy? I don't know how to tell you this... but she's in the bedroom getting it on with Max. Oh, I did know how to tell you.

Everybody looks so happy. I hate that! Not everybody is happy. Hey, Bobby!

I thought I'd throw this out. I'm no math whiz... but I do believe there are three girls and three guys right here.

I don't feel like kissing anyone tonight. I can't kiss anyone. So, I'm kissing everyone? No, you can't kiss Ross. That's your brother.

So now everybody's getting kissed but me. Somebody kiss me. Somebody kiss me! It's midnight! Somebody kiss me!

You don't even know this guy. Are there no conscious men in the city for you two?

Put the kids to bed for this one. Don't watch this. Weekend at Bernie's is on Showtime and HBO.

Dead guy getting hit in the groin 20, 30 times.

You wouldn't think so if you were 11 and your friends were passing around page 79 of Mistress Bitch.

So, his plane didn't explode in a big ball of fire? Just a dream I had. But, phew!

Your mom was arrested? I'm busy beaming with pride.

Oh, God, I love her! I think I'm having a stroke.

This is the way that I find out. Most moms use the phone.

And then he burst into flames.

And teams played sports.

Please, God, don't let it be kung pao chicken.

Joey and I had discussed getting in an early morning racquetball game. But apparently somebody overslept.

Well, you don't have your racquet. No. No, I don't because it's being restrung. Somebody was supposed to bring me one. Well, you didn't call and leave your grip size.

He forgot to leave his grip size. He didn't get the goggles.

You kissed my mom.

Okay, that's my finger. Okay, that's my knee. Still doing the play.

You kissed my best Ross.

The question is, when are you gonna realize I have a bomb? Are you sure she didn't say: 'When are you gonna grow up and realize I am your mom?' That makes more sense.

Did you get to the part about his 'huge, throbbing pens'?

You don't wanna be around when he starts writing with those.

Chandler joins in the singing

Need a new table. You think?

I believe this piece of furniture was fine...until your little breakfast adventure with Angela Delveccio.

The impressions you made in the butter...left little to the imagination.

We bought a hibachi together, and then he ran off and got married...and things got pretty ugly.

I'm familiar with his work, yes.

I don't know. Birds just don't say: 'Hello, sit here. Eat something.'

Oh, so forget about the birds, but big red insects suggest fine dining?

Kip would've liked the birds.

Who cares? We'll eat at the sink. Come on.

You're like... Like the anti-Paolo. My Catholic friend is right.

Okay, that is either, 'How could you?' Or 'Enormous breasts.'

Yes. And that would be a shutdown. [IN UNISON] Shutout!

One more game? Oh, yeah.

That's a relatively open weave. I can still see... your nippular areas.

No, she's still upset because I saw her boobies.

It was an accident. I wasn't across the street with a telescope.

Okay. Rock, hard place. Me.

I wouldn't wanna be there when the laughter stops.

Whoa, back up there, sparky.

How did you know that? It's textbook.

[Chandler says nothing after being asked to be funny]

Well, I'm not showing you my tat!

Oh, look. It's the woman we ordered.

Cheese Nip? Joey's having an embolism, but I'd go for a nip.

Joey, if I go first, I wanna be looking for my keys.

So, who's up for a big game of Kerplunk?

Oh, bunking up. If you smell s'mores, don't be alarmed.

That sounds weird not followed by, 'No, it's late.'

Hey, kickie!

I can't sleep in my underwear. Well, you're gonna.

Are they end-to-end, or tall, like pancakes?

When they wanted you in your father's business, did you cave? No. You chose the out-of-work-actor business.

Thanks, Chandler. Get off!

If I turn into my parents, I'll be an alcoholic blond chasing men, or I'll end up like my mom!

She barely knows me. We just live in the same building. - Any contact? - She lent me an egg once. You're in.

I think it's winning. - I think it's insane. - She'll love it.

Think it'll work? - It's suicide. The man's got an egg.

You can go out with a creep any night of the year. I know I do.

How do I look? - Oh, um... I don't care.

Oh... my... God.

Okay, I'm making a break for it. I'm going out the window.

I can't go when I'm nervous.

I hope she throws up on you.

Joey's not a friend. He's... a stupid man who left us his credit card.

A bottle of your most overpriced champagne. - Each. - That's right. Each. Oh. And a, uh, Rob Roy. I've always wanted to know.

Oh, man. In my next life I'm coming back as a toilet brush.

I brought you something. Is it loaded?

Miss Tedlock, you're looking lovely today. May I say that is a very flattering sleeve length on you?

If this is about those prank memos, I had nothing to do with them. Nothing at all. Really. Nothing.

So I quit.

Was it a lot more money? Doesn't matter. I just don't want to be a guy who sits in his office worrying about the WENUS.

'The WENUS?' Weekly estimated net usage system. It's a processing term.

I just don't have a lot of chefing experience. Unless it's an all-toast restaurant.

Thanks. I just don't see myself in a big white hat.

No, but don't worry. I'm sure they're still there.

Where you going, Mr. Suit-ey Man? I have an appointment to see Dr. Robert Pilman, career counselor-a-go-go! I added the 'a-go-go.'

Hey, you guys in the living room all know what you want to do.

I don't have a dream! The lesser known 'I Don't Have a Dream' speech.

Was it formerly owned by a blond woman and some bears?

What are you gonna make? Yummy noises. And, Monica, what are you gonna make?

He's not speaking metaphorically.

We're talking about whipped fish. I'm just happy I'm keeping it down.

You're suited for data processing for a large multinational corporation.

The French call it an amuse-bouche. Well, it is amusing.

It's a lot less satisfying to steal pens from your own home.

Stop saying numbers! I'm telling you, you've got the wrong guy! You got the wrong guy!

Last time I do that. I promise.

Yes, Fran, I know what time it is... but I'm looking at the WENUS and I'm not happy!

If this was a cartoon, you'd be looking like a ham right about now.

Phoebe appearing as their waitress when they call for service

Phoebe literally walking away when they ask to 'start over'

They're twins. / I don't care. Phoebe's Phoebe. Ursula's hot.

Not from where I was standing. / Where were you standing?

Ross, that's my jacket. / I know.

Chandler mimicking intercom buzz

Well, it throws my WENUS out of whack.

Score.

I slept funny and my hair was snarly.

Please don't hate me. / What? / Would you like to have dinner sometime?

This could be God's way of telling us to eat at home.

Once you're inside, you don't have to knock anymore.

I've never known you to pay money for any kind of capade.

Dr. Flanen... Dr. Flanan, Dr. Flan.

That's unbelievable. / And yet believable.

Well, I guess that's why they call it psychology, sir.

I am? / Sure. Why not?

What? / Helen drinks.

Never, ever leave your hand on the desk.

What are you, crazy? That's a baby. / He should take the sack?

Only if you order stuff.

You take your time.

Man, if you tried that on my birthday... you'd be staring at the business end of a hissy fit.

Maybe we can make a B out of one of those roses. / Yeah, we'll just use our special cake tools.

You got zero points for 'idney.' / I had a K. Where's my K?

Hugh! Hugh Grant!

Take her back to the 1890s when that phrase was last used.

Of course! -Oh. Then, no.

We do have expertise in the heating and cooling milieu.

From now on, you don't get to talk to other people.

I thought that was an alp.

I don't need violence in a movie... ...as long as there's a little nudity. -There was nudity. -I meant female nudity. I don't need to see Lou Grant frolicking.

I can't believe we're discussing this. -I agree. I'm, like, in disbelief.

Know what you should do? Take her back to the 1890s when that phrase was last used.

Sure! Did you try turning the knob back the other way? -Of course! -Oh. Then, no.

Aren't we in the middle of something? But these women are very hot, and they need our help. And they're very hot!

From now on, you don't get to talk to other people.

This is me in The Sound of Music. See the von Trapp kids? That's because I'm in front of them. Big nun! I thought that was an alp.

Hey, I've been honing.

She might think I'm in a restaurant. I might have a life.

Like I haven't been sitting here... honing for the last two hours?

Desperate? Needy? Pathetic? You obviously saw my personal ad.

God, I miss just being needy.

If it helps, I could slide over.

We haven't had a second date... she needs to hear me pee?

Do you? No.

I accidentally shut off my phone.

That's why I'm dancing.

Ring, damn it, ring.

Just like you told her you did. Just pointing out the irony.

She seems nice, but her coming all the way here... just to see if I was okay? I mean, how needy is that?

l could use another reason why women won't look at me.

Excellent dream score.

l love it when we share.

Sorry, it was a one-time thing. l was very drunk, and it was someone else's subconscious.

l don't know. What are you wearing?

My secretary's gonna be out. She's having one of her boobs reduced. lt's a whole big boob story.

l don't know if it'd be your thing... because it involves being normal for a large portion of the day.

ls it for dinosaur emergencies? Help. They're still extinct.

A cool number and a possible name for the kid.

Mature and grown-up, he's a big boy.

That'll stop when you pick up the phone.

l'm not in a meeting.

Most likely.

That is so not-- That-- Oh, shut up.

This has nothing to do with him needing a note to get out of gym?

Moist.

Could these margaritas be any stronger?

Excellent dream score.

I don't know. What are you wearing?

She's having one of her boobs reduced. It's a whole big boob story.

It involves a lot of being normal for a large portion of the day.

Is it, like, for dinosaur emergencies? 'Help, come quick! They're still extinct!'

A cool phone number and a possible name for the kid.

When we were?

Well, maybe 25, 26. - I am 26. - There you go.

That'll stop when you pick up the phone.

I'm not in a meeting. I'm right... [interrupted]

'Most likely.' [BOTH CHUCKLE]

They don't like you. - What? - I thought you knew that.

Who doesn't like me? - Everyone. - Except for, um... No. Everyone.

That is so not... That is so not... That... Oh, shut up.

It's morphing time. - Stegosaurus! - Tyrannosaurus!

Some people are gonna be working this weekend.

Yes, Joey's made arrangements to have his baby in a movie from the '50s.

It's only like $2 for the first contraction and then 50 cents each additional contraction.

I want a baby. Not tonight, honey. I got an early day tomorrow.

Get up. Come on, let's get some coffee. Oh, okay, because we never do that.

When we're 40, if neither of us are married... what do you say you and I have one? Why won't I be married when I'm 40?

Dear God. This parachute is a knapsack.

Let me ask you, do you have to be Carol's lesbian life partner?

Hey, Ben. Nothing. I don't think that's his name.

He doesn't do much, does he? Nope, this is pretty much it.

Ross, we love him, okay? But right now he's just a little fat guy. How excited can we get?

That would be nice.

-Pardon? -Nothing. Just a little extra air in my mouth.

Including the waffles last week, you now owe me... 17 jillion dollars.

Just, you know, science. Science. Yeah, I think I've heard of that.

Crazy bitch.

Joey, we always know what you mean.

I am The Head!

No, this big pile of dishes in my mom's breakfront.

Let's see. Alvin, Simon, Theodore... No.

Of course, there they just call it 'food.'

Have you ever thought about being there for her?

Well, sure, but can you play it on a plane?

Crystal duck.

That's good. Just keep rubbing your head. That'll turn back time.

Is there a mute button on this woman?

Pizza coupons.

The fact you'd even ask shows how little you know me.

I know. My room's very, very close to the parade route.

I didn't know you had another level.

I haven't watched Baywatch with Yasmine Bleeth!

'This is bigger than huge.' / 'What's bigger than huge?' / 'Um, this?'

Chandler: 'I think she's trying to tell us something. Quick, get the verbs.'

Ross asking for coffee, Rachel: 'Did you talk to him yet?' Chandler: 'No.' Rachel: 'Then, no.'

Ross: 'You know whose voice that was?' Chandler: 'God?' Ross: 'It was you, pal.'

Chandler: 'Well, maybe it was God doing me.'

Chandler about silver lining: 'You have to really wanna see it.'

Chandler about guys working out: 'Ironically, these guys were picked last in gym.'

Chandler looking for tailor: 'I'm just looking for a man to draw on me with chalk.'

Chandler: 'You have to stop the Q-tip when there's resistance.'

Chandler interrupting phone call: 'Sorry, I thought you were talking to me.'

Chandler: 'Well, despite the yummy bagels and palpable tension...'

Joey about Frankie: 'He'll know what it means.' / Chandler: 'You sure he's gonna be able to crack that code?'

Tailor measuring pants: 'How long do you want the cuffs?' / Chandler: 'At least as long as I have the pants.'

Chandler: 'I just got that.'

Chandler about measuring: 'Cupping.'

Christopher Cross reference: 'You could get caught between the moon and New York City. I know it's crazy, but it's true.'

Ross leaving: 'When the doctor does that hernia test...' Chandler: 'That's okay.'

Chandler on phone: 'No, I swear to God, Dad! That's not how they measure pants!'

If he blows into one, does the other one get bigger?

It's like cheating on Rachel in her house of worship.

She will kill you like a dog in the street!

Not even if Carol's breast had a picture of a missing child on it.

Of course, the packaging does appeal to grownups and kids.

When she sneezed, bats flew out of them.

I'm telling you, she leaned back, I could see her brain.

Uh-oh. It's Isaac Newton and he's pissed.

He hated us! This was his final revenge! / Ever seen so much crap! Actually, I think this apartment sullies the good name of crap.

Wow. Heckles was voted class clown, and so was I.

Well, there was no club, but I sure thought they were cool.

Vivian, too tall. / Madge, big gums. / Too loud. / Too smart. / Makes noise when she eats.

Bitter Town, Alone-ville, Hermit Junction!

What if I found her but I dumped her because she pronounces it 'supposably'?

Supposably. / Supposably. / Did they go to the zoo? / Supposably.

Jeez, look how fat she got.

Is it yours? Ha! You wish, Chandler Bing.

How are you gonna face the other science guys?

Like that guy on the subway who eats his own face.

Run away from Crazy Snake Man, they'll shout!

Whoa! Don't know about that.

But I'm not going to let that stuff hang me up anymore because she has an unusually large head.

My God, that's a big head! It didn't look this big in the office. Maybe it's the lighting. My head must look like a golf ball at work.

Nice smile, good dresser. Big head, big head, big head!

You bitch!

As opposed to your other multi-functional nipples?

Joey, what did you think a nubbin was?

Joey was in a porno movie!

If I'm going down, I'm taking everybody with me!

Pressing my third nipple opens the delivery entrance... to the magical land of Narnia.

Are any of these cultures, per chance, in the Tri-State area?

I see, I see. Because of the third-nipple thing.

I'm fine, if you're okay watching a video... filled with two-nippled people.

All I say is, she'd better get the job. Looks to me like he's the one getting the job.

Boy, that Julie's a talker, huh?

So, the Ebola virus. That's gotta suck, huh?

By the way, this didn't seem so dorky out in the hall.

You know, I once dated a Miss Cranky Pants. Lovely girl. Kind of moody.

Joey, she does not look fat.

I was gonna play basketball... but I guess that's out the window.

My uncle Sal has a really big tongue. Is he the one with the beautiful wife?

Did you forget to pack the baby's anvil?

Next time we want to pick up women, we should go to the park and make out.

We're two heterosexual guys hanging with the son of our other heterosexual friend, doing the usual straight-guy stuff.

BEN! BEN!

That's good. Maybe he'll hear you and pull the cord!

I was wondering what somebody might do if they left a baby on a city bus.

Actually, uh, ahem, we're both the father.

That one's Ben! Remember he had that cute little mole by his mouth! / Okay, the mole came off.

What kind of scary-ass clowns came to your birthday?

that might get in the way of my lying-around time

if we put on spandex and my boobs are bigger than yours, I'm going home

And we're changing

One... two... two and a half

Just show me one of them

Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow. Ow.

She's got me doing butt-clenches at my desk. And now they won't bring me my mail anymore

Joey, be a pal. Lift up my hand and smack her with it

Because it's Sunday! It's God's day. Ha, hey. If you say stop, then we stop. Stop. No, come on! We can't stop!

What? Heh. Nothing. Except tell you, uh, it's wonderful how much energy you have. Well, thanks. Especially considering how tough it's been for you to find work.

You can't tell your parents you were fired, because they'd be disappointed. It's not as if you have a boyfriend's shoulder to cry on.

If it were me, I'd have difficulty getting out of bed at all. You know, I try to stay positive. So you? You feel like going for a run?

Wow. What are you gonna use it for? Games and stuff.

You got all that from saline solution?

Oh, I know. This must be so hard. 'Oh, no! Two women love me! They're both gorgeous and sexy, my wallet's too small for my 50s... and my diamond shoes are too tight!'

Don't ever touch the computer.

Can't we just use a pen? No, Amish boy.

You guys wanna play 'Doom'? Or we could keep doing this.

What is that in the background? Are you watching Star Trek?

Hey, it's printing!

Because isn't that... the short story you were writing? Yes, it is a short story... that I was writing.

It was summer. And it was hot. Rachel was there. A lonely gray couch. 'Oh, look!' cried Ned. And then the kingdom was his forever. The end!

the idiot!

My diary. My diary! That's brilliant! If I'd said it was my diary, she wouldn't have made me read it.

Oh, good. I was hoping that would come up.

A plate of brownies told me a limerick.

Which is why geese are so relaxed this time of year.

Look at these authentic fake metals! Mom's gonna be voted 'best dressed'... at the make-believe military academy!

That's the guy that comes in the frame.

How have you never been on Oprah?

But when Phoebe has a problem, everyone's all ears!

Don't you have to be Claymation to say that?

Upstate's pretty big. He's pretty small. You do the math.

Yeah, she brought the invisible cab. Hop in!

That's right. I forgot about your ability to fuse metal.

Hey, it's Funny's cousin... Not Funny!

Hey! Get in line, buddy. I was next.

Mailbox. / All right, we're getting closer.

You got me a cola drink? / And a lemon-lime!

In a mediocre play, Joseph Tribbiani was able to achieve brilliant new levels of... Continued on page 153... sucking.

You have other friends?

You know, this is actually good... because if we ever lose Ross, we have a spare.

See? Now they're as different as night and... later that night.

Yeah, it's annoying, isn't it?

I'm guessing you didn't get the part... or, uh, Italy called and said it was hungry?

Well, I've got a pop-up book that told me everything I needed to know.

Throw in a tree and a fat guy, and you've got Christmas.

Didn't you used to call it the little major? Yeah, but after Denise DeMarco, I had to promote it.

Me. Why would I have to sleep with you? It's my game. You want the job or not?

[SINGING] Who's the bitterest man In the living room? The bitterest man In the living room? Hi, neighbor.

For a minute, I thought you were actually smelling something.

I gotta get to work. I got a big dinosaur bone to inspect. No, that's me. Oh, right.

That's a little more relaxed than you want them to get.

I can't decide between lamb or duck. Well, lambs are scarier. Or the movie would've been called Silence of the Ducks.

Damn. My mail-order grandfather hasn't come yet.

I feel like you should have German subtitles.

Well, now you understand how I feel every single day. The world is my lesbian wedding.

How's that pig-in-the-blanket working out for you? I wrapped those bad boys.

I think it's time you forget about Rose, move on with your life. How about we get you a drink?

And the fact that they're both monkeys?

When he did it, it was funny. When I did it to my boss's hat... Suddenly, I had this big 'attitude problem.'

Rhythm?

In Crazy World, that means you're married.

He will be surprised. Till he realizes he's a monkey... and isn't capable of that emotion.

Hitting her with a frying pan is a good idea. But we want a backup plan, just in case she isn't a cartoon!

This is it. This is how we're gonna die.

He thinks he can. Oh, what the hell. He can.

Nice girl, not great with concept.

I graduated fourth grade and realized I wasn't a pimp.

Well, yes, actually... but they were my Aunt Edna's. And there were three of us in there.

Because I went to an all-boys high school, and God is making up for it?

I hope you realize this means we'll miss hearing about the specials.

Call me in 20 years and tell me if you're still upset about this.

You always wear panties? No, no. This is the first time.

Chandler, can I borrow your G-string? How long you been waiting to say that? About 20 minutes!

Do you know me or are you just really good at this game?

Great job growing up.

I graduated fourth grade and realized I wasn't a pimp.

Back then, I used humor as a defense mechanism. Thank God I don't do that anymore.

No one was around to hear that?

Like you'd drink her coffee after what you did to her with Van Damme?

Did you ever want to do it in an elevator?

How do you know if you wanna do that? You just know.

Well, yes, actually... but they were my Aunt Edna's. And there were three of us in there.

I'm hanging in. And a little out.

Because I went to an all-boys high school, and God is making up for it?

They do have the shrimp.

I hope you realize this means we'll miss hearing about the specials.

So you want me to clench anything or...?

This is crazy! Who can remember why you're fighting in the first place?

I'm wearing panties.

Keep your panties on.

Chandler, can I borrow your G-string? How long you been waiting to say that? About 20 minutes!

Well, thanks, man. Now I can get my pony.

Thanks, best bud.

Well, I've never been good to go, so... What the hell, why not try some jewelry.

Any idea what this will do for your sex life? It might slow down at first, but... once I'm used to the extra weight, I'll be back on track.

No, no. It's not flashy. Not for a goodfella.

That was really good. I think I'm ready for my penis now.

He could have gotten me a VCR or a set of golf clubs. But no! He got me the 'woman repeller'!

The eyesore from the Liberace House of Crap!

'I pity the fool that puts on my jewelry! I do! I do!' 'I pity that fool...'

So how many cameras are actually on you?

Rose Marie belongs on a smaller screen, doesn't she?

You've got a Cheeto on your face, man.

But it was 1982 and my Flock of Seagulls haircut was tickling her chin.

It certainly is a miracle.

She's one of us now.

The spoon! You licked and you put.

Mine is the red one! Oh, God! Can open. Worms everywhere!

The next time you shower...think about the last thing I wash and the first thing you wash.

That's lucky. What if her name was Big Ugly Splotch?

Well, there's my fantasy come true.

Stop talking. Okay!

We're not Bert and Ernie.

Lick away, my man!

I've never been lower or wetter.

Which sister?

Get out. No. / Wow, Joey, this is, uh... / Art. / Art it is.

So tell me, is this genuine Muppet skin?

Hey, excellent water-table thing. / Thanks. I love this. But you know what? It makes me want to pee. / Yeah, me too. I think that's the challenge.

You had a thing. / Yeah, well, I hear the place looks great. / Oh, forget about it. I'm having a ball, ha.

Was that the oven timer? / That's right, my friend. / It's time for Baywatch! / Baywatch!

At the, uh, supermarket in the, uh, ethnic-food section. I helped him pick out a chorizo.

I do, but, uh, Eddie makes them this way. They're pretty darn good.

You took your eggs, and you left! Did you really expect me to never find new eggs?

Don't feel so bad. After playing... ...I break out the plastic women and everybody has a good time.

So you think that Speed Racer guy gets a lot of tickets or...?

When everybody knows that the capital of Cambodia is... It's not Sean Penn.

That wasn't such a funny story.

Can I take a message or... Or a fish tank?

your name came up... ...in a conversation that terrified me to my very soul.

Is Eddie a little... A little what? ...bit country? Or... You know, a little rock 'n' roll?

That's one of my favorite digests!

Oh, okay. I see what you did there.

Would you look at what I'm doing? Now that can't be smart.

So we're just gonna take this guy right off you... ...and put him here in Mr. Pocket.

So were you in Nam?

You've got it totally the other way around, my friend. Jon Voight...

So when I woke up this morning... ...he'd stolen all the insoles out of my shoes!

Because sometimes after you sleep with someone... ...you have to kill a fish.

Now maybe.

You'll always be pre-approved with us.

Are these raisins? Sure, why not?

Well, that's not even a real fish. No, that's a Goldfish cracker.

You big freak of nature!

What are you doing here? - Watching you sleep.

Hannibal Lecter? Better roommate than you.

Where'd you hear it before?

Finally got that time machine working, huh?

Joey, you owe $1100 at 'I Love Lucite.'

I don't need you getting judgmental and condescending and pedantic. - Toilet paper? - Yeah.

What I do know is you owe $2300 at 'Isn't It Chromantic?'

Maybe because the last one was made by Pepperidge Farm.

Your last roommate's kidney? That's a tomato.

This is not out of the blue! This is smack-dab in the middle of the blue!

There is no alley behind Macy's.

We took a road trip to Las Vegas! Oh, sweet Moses!

Goodbye, you fruit-drying psychopath.

What happened to the foosball? It's a cantaloupe.

Is he housetrained or will he leave little bathroom tiles all over?

One of these times, you'll really be naked and we won't come over.

How do you find clothes that fit?

er than some people. But younger than some buildings.

How do we say yes and make it seem like it's not just to ride in the cool car?

All you need now is The Killing Fields and guacamole, and you got a party!

After we stole his lunch money and gave him a wedgie.

He let us drive his Jaguar. Joey for 12 blocks. Me for 15.

Hey, Chandler, thanks for showing us to our seats. You're welcome. Hey, Joey, thanks for parking the car. No problem.

You may wanna light it and lose the spatula.

We flipped for it. I got the cigar, he got the mustache. If we both grew them, we'd look like dorks.

This is how I would hold a football.

I just got my Pik-Up Stiks back from the shop.

Could that shot be any prettier?

He is so much cooler than our dads. Our dads are okay and all, but Richard is just—

When we say 'dad,' we mean 'buddy.' We mean 'pal.'

No, seriously. Joey's my dad. Monica's my dad. I've even got some dads down at work.

On behalf of everyone, I'd just like to say, 'Huh?'

His Indian name?

Okay. There is one more way to say it. Who knows it?

Is that supposed to be funny? Actually, I was going for colorful.

You know what? I think you're very funny. Kudos on that hat joke.

Stop talking. Stop talking now.

Let me get this straight. You're stealing my hat? You got a problem? I just want to make sure we're on the same page.

Forget it. It's probably stripped and sold for parts by now.

I'll tell you what, you call the couch, and then we'll call the couch, and we'll see who it comes to.

The guy who's about to kick your ass talks like that. You had to ask.

I think you played the Gunther card too soon.

Time is money, my friend! You missed 'Takes money to make money' and 'Don't make me come down there and kick your Wall Street butt.'

I had breakfast here, so technically I saved $3.50.

And I don't want to drink cappuccino with a 'k.'

Ross, have you ever been beaten up before? Yeah, sure. By someone besides Monica? No.

Question: If I don't care about my watch, can I use it as a weapon? It's sharp, it's metal. I think I can do some serious damage with it.

Of course. Why wouldn't you hit faces? I have to work on Monday. I have a big presentation.

Actually, I gotta show this apartment tomorrow, and this no-faces thing might not be a bad idea. Dana's ovulating. Oh, really? You guys trying again?

Let me get this straight. We're talking about the middle?

Those guys are taking our stuff! Hey, hey!

So can I have my hat back? No. Huh.

Question. Why do we always have parties where you poach things?

Question 2. Why do we always have parties with committees?

Wow, it's like porno for clowns!

Or maybe she doesn't and Joey slept with her and never called her back.

Happy birthday, Rachel. Here's some goo!

This isn't your first surprise party, is it, sir?

The Chinese menu guy. Forgot the menus. So basically, just a Chinese guy.

That sounds like a two-person job.

Well, we could count again?

Some girl just walked up to me and said, 'I want you, Dennis'... and stuck her tongue down my throat. I love this party!

Stay clear of 'I'm the guy that's doing your daughter'... and you should be okay.

In a minute, I'll create a diversion. When I do, walk quickly to the door and don't look back.

What a great moment to say that for the first time.

Everything you've heard is true.

I got a lot of 'champs,' 'chiefs,' 'sports.' I even got a 'governor.'

I relied on a carefully regimented program... of denial... and wetting the bed.

Because it reminded you of the way... our forefathers used to bitch at each other?

Heads up! Wow! Those things almost never come true.

That was there when I got here.

Then I guess the panty raid last night was totally uncalled for.

Actually, if it's possible, I love you more.

Act like a processor, people will think you're a processor.

I figure my character has kids. / There isn't a part of that sentence I don't need explained.

Well, invisible kids can be that way sometimes.

You know what? Just did. That's some pretty powerful imaginary sperm you must have there.

You'll teach her a lesson when she steps off the dock onto nothing.

I'm going to kill you. / Hey, I just figured Joseph's the kind of guy who likes to mix it up.

If it's not a right angle, it is a wrong angle.

Because it's in a slightly different time zone than the kitchen?

One of my things is I always separate my sweat socks...from my dress socks.

I think he's a brown-nosing suck-up.

I can sleep with his wife. / Not Karen!

Chandie. The rogue processor who seduces his coworkers' wives...and then laughs about it.

No, freak show, she's fictional!

I have to sleep on the west side...because I grew up in California...and otherwise...the ocean would be on the wrong side.

And I'll be using his dead body as a shield.

You know how I tend to get a little defended and quippy? - Get out. - No. Please.

That's probably why babies learn to talk, so they can tell grownups to cut it out.

She likes art... and I like funny words.

Are you the cutest? - I'm afraid I might just be.

How do you not fall down more?

She wants to know what's wrong. - What's wrong? You're married! That's what's wrong!

Oh... my... God.

I'm not breaking up with her!

Like stuff you like. Stuff she likes. Technique. Stamina. Girth.

And then all of a sudden, your mom pops into your head. And you're, like, 'Mom, get out of here!'

We have to be out the door at 7:40. / We have a half-hour. / That was four minutes ago.

Well, it's not like I went to Spain.

I don't know. You might be the first one.

It's me, I'm coming over. What if I'm already there when you play this message? Is that too spooky?

Not touching. Can't get mad! Not touching. Can't get mad!

Maybe he called to say you're obsessive and crazy?

I am so comfortable. / Me too. In fact, I think I might be a little too comfortable.

When I get back, it's Chair City. And I'm the guy... who's sitting in a chair!

So in the words of A.A. Milne, 'Get out of my chair, dill-hole.'

That's right! I'm taking the essence.

What, are you gonna show me my clothes? / Hey, opposite... is opposite. / He's got nothing!

Donald Duck never wore pants. But when he gets out of the shower... he always puts a towel around his waist. I mean, what is that about?

Is it wrong that I was totally aroused by that?

You tell the doctor you did it jumping on your bed? / No. I had a whole story worked out, but then... Chandler sold me out.

I didn't think the doctor would buy that it 'fell out of the socket'.

Jam? I love jam! How come we never have jam at our place? / Because the kids need new shoes.

It's an empty apartment. We're all alone in an empty apartment. / I have to be at work in 10 minutes. / All right. It's not like I'm employee of the year or anything.

Do I look fat? / No. / I accept that.

When Janice asked me and I said no, she thought I was calling her a cow.

Janice is coming back from a trip. She gives you two options. Option one: She'll take a cab home from the airport. Option two: You can meet her at baggage claim. What do you do? / Easy. Baggage claim. / Wrong! Now you're single.

I thought you were 'cuddly sleepers'. / No, not cuddly. Not me. Just her. I'm like you. I need the room.

The old 'hug and roll'. One question. You're pretending the pillow's a girl, right?

Joe, I got to ask. The girl from the xerox place, buck naked... or a big tub of jam? / Put your hands together.

I don't need an actual man. Just a few of his best swimmers. / Down to the docks again?

Look at all the room on her side! A giant penguin could fit over there. That'd be weird, though.

Hug and roll time. I'm hugging. I'm hugging. You're rolling, and... Yes! Freedom! Except for this arm! I'm stuck. Stuck arm.

Time for the old tablecloth trick. One fluid motion. Quick like a cat. And one, two... three!

You got a thing on your... Get it? Yeah.

If I'm staring down the barrel of a gun... I'm gonna be pretty much peeing every which way.

Don't go! I've scared you! I've said too much! I'm hopeless and awkward and desperate for love!

I said, 'So I'm not gonna lose her?'

I'm sorry if my friends aren't as sophisticated as yours.

Can I be that guy?

I know. I always wondered if I could get her eyes to pop out of her head

And also, of course, if her sister was famous

Spider-Man? / Hardy Boy. / Peter Parker. / Thank you.

Sorry. Did I get you? / No, you didn't get me! It's an electric drill! You get me, you kill me!

She probably wouldn't let you do it unless you donated four cans of food first

Because that's why you won't get Isabella Rossellini. Geography.

I got 5 bucks says you can't

Wow, it's like a dirty math problem.

Well, that's really a different question.

You didn't leave lipstick marks on the phone. Oh! Then it must have been you. Bye.

On some level, she already knows.

Okay, well, maybe not on those levels.

Nice to meet you, Chandler Bing. Bing! Great apartment, Chandler Bing. Bing!

When I answered the phone, 'Chandler Bing'... he said, 'Whoa! Short message!'

Yes, that is cool. Uh, because I have models here, you know... never.

Bedroom, bathroom, living room. This here is the kitchen, and thanks for coming by. Bye-bye.

Ha, ha. What gay thing? Uh, just, you know, in general. The whole people-being-gay thing. Totally cool with that.

That's what I want. A roommate I can walk around with... and be referred to as 'the funny one.'

What are they doing? - I don't know. Something girly.

You don't play the oboe. - I could play the oboe.

CHANDLER: If I was a superhero who could fly and be invisible... that would be the best.

Question: Was, uh, 'Egg the Gellers' the war cry of your neighborhood?

See, that's why I can never be an actor. Because I can't say 'gig.' Yeah, I can't say 'croissant.' Oh, my God.

Whoa. Somebody missed the off-ramp.

Get her candy. Get her gum. Girls love gum. / That's a good idea. 'Dear Janice: Have a Hubba Bubba birthday.'

Maybe it's because I was just fooling around with my ex. / Oh, no. That was you!

In the park? / No. In his office. How many kisses were there?

It's the receipt. / I'll take it.

It serves me right for buying that 12-pack of condoms.

And now I can't even return them, because she choked on the receipt!

The way I feel about you... it's like I finally understand... what Lionel Richie's been singing about.

I'll settle for half your heart. I'll settle for a quarter. I'll settle for a little, tiny... A ventricle.

You can't leave! I have your shoe!

Hey, that's never gonna make it all the way over here, buddy!

I wanted to wear my bathrobe and eat peanut clusters all day.

And start drinking in the morning. Don't say I don't have goals!

The ball is Janice. The ball is Janice.

Math? You're giving me math?

Hey, I am good at math!

I've been preparing for that my entire life!

Is everybody else seeing a troll doll nailed to a two-by-four? Mm-hm. Okay, good.

The Netherlands is this make-believe place where Peter Pan and Tinker Bell come from.

Yeah, for dating, general merriment, taking back to your windmill?

You hear that? That is her truth, Mr. 'I'll Let You Have Her'!

I win! You suck! I rule all! Mini-wave in celebration of me!

From now on, I get the dates, and you stay home on Saturday nights watching Ready, Set, Cook!

The important thing is the Dutch girl picked me! Me, not you! Holland loves Chandler! Thank you, Amsterdam! Good night!

It says here that a Muppet got whacked on Sesame Street last night. Where exactly were you around 10-ish?

What do you think she'd like? / Maybe a Hello Kitty doll? / The ability to walk?

All right, do you have any, uh, coconut-flavored deities? / No, but there's coconut in the Hanukkah Menorah-eos.

How come you're still at a job you hate? Why don't you quit and get The Fear? / [BOTH LAUGH] Because I'm too afraid.

I spelled out 'boobies.' Ha, ha.

Anybody got a length of rope about six feet long...little noose at the end?

I almost feel bad for whipping that kid's pretzel at them.

Then if anybody should have a party, it should be him.

Yeah, Jell-O. Just like Mom used to make.

How many of that girl are you seeing?

That's the same drink I made myself right after I shot my husband. Okay, I don't know how to talk to you.

Why must we dial so speedily, anyway? Why rush through life? Why can't we savor the precious moments?

Those are some huge breasts you have!

Well, my apartment isn't there anymore because I drank it.

I can't remember which sister.

You see? You can't tell which is which either!

Yep, I'm in a tree.

Where in Cuba?

That dies with me. So will I.

God, Mary Angela was right. You do have the softest lips. You're not Mary Angela?

You're it! Now run and hide!

I was really drunk and you guys all look really similar.

Cookie, now you can punch him! What?

Well, if a magician can open my beer with his butt cheeks, then all right.

Guess who has an audition for a Broadway musical? - I wanna say you, but it seems like such an easy answer.

Joey, I don't think you get to pick the cities. - What? - Mr. Dickens gets to pick them.

Who? - I'll get you the Cliff Notes. - The what? - The abridgment. - The what?

Let me ask you this. What do you do for the extra hundred? - So would I have to provide the grapes?

Sure, you name a kid that, what do you expect them to grow up to be?

Monica's the vase, right? - You are such a mystery to me.

Why don't you send her a musical bug? - No, you already did that.

And pretty soon you'll be like: 'Hi.' And, 'Well, I can't go. Rachel and Mark might be there.' And we'll be like, 'Man, get over it! It's been four years!'

You know what? I'm gonna spend some alone time with the pen.

Okay, Ross, this pen's getting kind of boring. Can you pick me up some porn?

You have a play-date with a stripper? - Man, I gotta get a kid!

Either that or you just turned him on and sent him to a stripper.

He's going to the counter with Citizen Kane, Vertigo and Clockwork Orgy.

No, thanks. I'm 29.

Every night that you're asleep before I get home... I will wake you up in a way that has proved popular in the past.

Naked friends.

If there's none in there, we're probably out.

Right. Sometimes you guys just burst into flame.

He's coming out of his shorts.

The man is showing brain.

Calm down. No reason to get testy.

I can't believe she cracked your code.

Yeah, I can spot you from here.

That's the best kiss I've had...with anybody I met in a men's room.

You're not? Have you got a bionic foot?

I once had a thing of half-and-half. Stole my car.

I'm the smallest person in the world, aren't I?

Well, it's nubbin. Nothing!

Just had me a little nubbin-ectomy. Two nipples, no waiting.

Come on, I was kidding! It was such an obvious joke. That was an obvious joke. And I didn't think of it. Why? The source of all my powers.

Oh, dear God, what have I done?

Hey, how much you give me to eat this whole jar of olives? / I won't give you anything, but you'll owe me 2.95.

If you don't have anything to copy, why are you going there? / Yeah, are you just going down there to gawk at that hot girl with the bellybutton ring again?

Chloe, switch with me. There are some guys here who got a crush on you. / Okay, that hurt us.

What if my eyes are closed, and my hand is out there... / Aah! Okay, eyes open at all times.

Well, if you don't know that, then I don't want to do this with you.

Why? What happened to him? / Nothing. He just really believes in that.

How dumb are you?

You always have to think about the trail!

And Phoebe's friends with Rachel, and that's the trail! I did it!

Should we do something? Yeah. Never cheat on Rachel.

What if they don't? You think I need a new walk?

I think I need a take-notice walk. Are you actually saying these words?

You notice how neither one of them are wondering where I am? Yeah, you know, people can be so self-involved.

Is that your new walk? No. I really have to pee.

Can I see the comics? / This is the New York Times. / Okay, may I see the comics?

I hope Ross doesn't try to kidnap me after Cub Scouts.

I had the same dream. / And nobody slept with the Xerox girl. / Oh, I had the opposite dream.

It never takes you more than a shower to get over a relationship.

Closer than here? / Oh, look. I found coffee.

Rachel, I'm really sorry. / Okay, Ross. Wanna get back together? / Yeah, okay. / Did anyone else hear that?

Are we talking models in their underwear? / And heels.

Well, actually, yesterday I was smoking again. Today I'm smoking, still.

This is just like my parents' divorce which is when I first started smoking. / Weren't you 9? / Yeah.

I'm telling you something, that first smoke after naptime...

No, 'Hymn' 253: 'His Eyes Are on the Sparrow.'

When my parents got divorced, I started using humor as a defense mechanism.

Shut up. You're not my real mom.

'Beam me up, Jesus.' / The 'No Smoking' sign.

Damn. The tailpipe's not hot enough to light this.

Ladies, let's just compromise, okay? Phoebe, Rachel, take off Monica's bra.

I thought if I littered, that crying Indian might come by and save us.

Now, let's decide who has the nicest ass.

Visual gag: Chandler cuts the cigarette short just as he's about to enjoy it

Smokey Joe here got halfway to the highway and collapsed. I have the lung capacity of a 2-year-old.

Then why are you smoking? / It's very unsettling.

I can handle it. 'Handle' is my middle name. Actually, it's the middle part of my first name.

Hey, guess who I am? [mimicking arguing]

We were out of Doritos.

Mr. Millionaire. New, from Snooty Playthings. Third wife sold separately.

Life-sized Imperial Storm Troopers from Sharper Image? Two.

Wow. Can Joey and I put them on and fight?

Either that or Gloria Estefan was right. Eventually, the rhythm is going to get you.

That's not a state, Joe. Oh, and 'Mississi-Pete' is?

Okay. You're our age. Okay.

Does it bug you? You bug me.

You can't just stare through the peephole for three hours. You're gonna get peep-eye.

I mean, bullets have left guns slower.

And the inventor of the door rests happily in his grave.

Well, with all these doctors and nurses... I'm gonna say, Midget Rodeo.

I wasn't doing anything.

Ah, Sliced Bread. A wonderful Lady Macbeth.

I think somebody has a crush on somebody. Hey, Chandler, can we please try and stay focused on my problem here? You know? I'm talking about you, you big, big freak.

If you were in school yard... you'd be pulling her pigtails and pushing her down now. Oh, yeah? Then how come I keep thinking about her... in all these sexual scenarios and stuff, huh?

Why isn't it 'Spiderman'? You know, like Goldman, Silverman? Because it's not his last name. It isn't? No, it's not, like... Like Phil Spiderman.

But there's no gold man. Oh, okay. There should be a Gold Man.

What about things that are already gold? Ah. His work is done.

All right, you yellow-bellied, lily-livered... Draw. Yeah, it's fun.

Yes, I realize that.

Thanks. It's Gaelic for, 'Thy turkey's done.'

Dug my action, did she? Checking out the Chan Chan Man!

Hey, my father's house does that.

Of course, I didn't enjoy any of that because Joanna's such a big, dull dud!

To her face?

Well, they always called. Bite me.

She's really dull, and she gets this...gross mascara-goop thing in the corner of her eye!

That's just a lot of big talk. I know.

...mascara goop.

This is great. I'll give you a call. We should do it again!

You know, with that goatee, you kind of look like Satan.

So that's why the priest threw holy water on me.

I saw a girl with that vest.

Got a job on a riverboat?

You guys? Do you know anything about chicks? Fowl? No. Women? No.

Easy, Lenny.

I can't tell. Whatever it was went back in too quickly.

I don't know, maybe we weren't ready to have a chick.

That's a bad duck!

Chicks don't swim.

Whose Number Two? One of the more difficult games sewer workers play.

Bottle next to the shaving cream. -Worm medicine for the duck.

Monica, l'm scared! -Honey, that's a sleeve.

You had 'the night'! When two people realize their feelings for each other and they talk for hours and learn all about the other person. -Did you learn about her family? -Two brothers. One died! -Yes!

Phoebe, 800 is toll free. 801 is Utah.

Yeah, every big Utah-based company has one.

Or Dick.

Whoa! Whoa! No. / Come on, you guys. It's no big deal. / Hey, hey, hey.

Well, you know, if Joey and I play with matches... we could get you up to an even 100.

Because when I went in there with my third nipple... he just lopped it right off, you know?

I mean, not as lucky as people who are born with two nipples.

Or, ha, ha... we could go over there and pee on them.

The refrigerator told me to have a great day.

It's a little crowded. Do you mind? Could you skooch? Move over just a little bit. Keep on skooching.

There is no I in 'team.' Yes, but there's two in 'martini.' So, everybody, back to my office.

This team's about hard work, but it's also about having fun. Good to have you aboard, Bing!

My boss keeps slapping my butt and acting like it's no big deal. I didn't do anything. I didn't want to be the guy who has a problem with his boss slapping his bottom.

What if Joey was President?

Apparently, he trains by going to Iran and pulling the arms off thieves.

I have a rather sensitive posterior.

Okay, so we've established my name and hit me.

I was taken aboard that hat. They did experiments on me. I can't have children!

And this time, they've ganged up and formed one giant superhat.

I don't know what they were doing, but sea turtles actually came up to the house.

But I made cards!

Dorf on dating? That's good stuff!

'Oh, I'll go out and get you some.' 'Really?' 'No, because I'm not your boyfriend'

'There's a nuclear holocaust, I'm the last man on earth. Would you go out with me?' 'Ehh.'

'I've got canned goods'

'Excellent hole, Joe.' 'Oh no, no. My hole.'

'You're gonna have to pee on it' / 'Don't blame me, I saw it on the Discovery Channel'

Everyone's awkward reactions returning from the beach - 'Nothing' repeated

The entire jellyfish sting confession sequence buildup

'There was too much pressure, so I turned to Chandler' [Chandler screeches]

'Joey kept screaming at me: Do it now! Do it! Do it! Do it now!'

'Sometimes late at night I can still hear the screaming'

'We were playing gin?' after 'Gin'

'If we were a couple, we could play this game naked'

Can we stick you in another cabinet? They seem all right with it!

Why? Did you write it?

First tell us where you got the prettiest lace in the land.

Gepetto? Five thousand dollars? Are you insane?

That makes the fact that she owns beach-front property all the more impressive.

Phoebe's mom's got a huge pair of... Let it go!

Not everyone is qualified to own wood and nails.

Pardon my roommate. He wanted to marry this.

He is right, isn't he? This might be one time when he's wrong. Oh, no. He's right.

How were you locked in? Where the hell is all of our stuff?

Bend over?

Why couldn't he have been a kidnapper.

Man, he took the five of spades! No, here it is.

Joey was born, and then 28 years later, I was robbed!

Dude, you don't have to brag. We got nothing here.

Could we be more white trash?

Do you have any juice? Just pickle.

Last time you went out with her you said she was a dud! I judged her too quickly. This time, we took it to the next level.

It's not an everyday occurrence! Usually I'm in there by myself.

It just doesn't feel like we're breaking up. No, we are. I'm sad.

When I walk outside naked, people throw garbage.

You're not the boss of me. Yeah, you are.

I'll keep it in my butt with your nose.

I'm in my boss' car. What? Tunnel!

And on a totally separate subject, that's a lovely pantsuit.

I did break up with her! She just took it really, really well!

It did enter my mind. But then something happened that made it shoot right out.

You must have me confused with the 'Amazing Chandler'!

I never borrowed it. Then I lost it. Buy me one!

No, I always see guys do this when handcuffs are taken off.

I'll tell a lie! I'm good at lying! I actually did borrow your Walkman!

I'll clean your bathroom for a month. Still won't be clean.

Why won't you hear me! Sophie, help me! Sophie, sit!

I can make you this generation's Milton Berle. And Milton Berle has... Not compared to you.

I love you. What's going on? No, he doesn't!

I try to go four times a week, but I've missed the last 1200 times.

They use all these phrases and peppiness to confuse you.

She's like this lycra, spandex-covered, gym treat.

No, I want a flabby gut and saggy man-breasts.

[GRUNTS]

I want to quit the gym!

Well, that's it. We're doomed. They'll take $50 a month from our accounts for the rest of our lives.

Oh, man! But then we won't be bank buddies.

Thank you. - Oh, no, thank you.

So how goes the dancing? Gay yet?

I want to quit the bank!

To pay for the gym.

See who can bring home the most beautiful woman. That's a good idea, Joe. We could call it life.

Don't touch it because your fingers have destructive oils.

It doesn't say that. Does it?

And not one of your coupons for an hour of 'Joey Love.'

Do you know the name of that one? I don't know. Grease?

Yes, it is... at Office Max!

She's not 11! And it's not the seventh night of Chanukah.

She didn't have one. For three years?

Oh, so it's a card, but it's also a poem-holder.

Yeah, I found this great place called 'Invisible Things for Kathy.'

You think it's just a pen, but you turn it over and it's also a clock.

In case you missed that, that sound was, 'Oh, well.'

I just saw Kathy naked. It was like torture. If we go to war and you're captured, you're in for a surprise.

At least with her clothes on... I could imagine her body was covered in boils. But there are no boils. She's smooth. Smooth!

Well, I'm upset... for you. Sex with an endless line of women must be unfulfilling.

I like it in the stern. Of the boat.

I thought your time ran out. Me too, but I guess I do have...

I had an appointment to cut my hair. Looks great. And then it got canceled.

[Chandler moaning while cutting Kathy's hair]

The phone! The phone's making sounds.

We swallow our feelings, even if we're unhappy forever. Sound good?

You're getting me confused. I'm starting to yearn.

Are you still out there? No.

I'm 29. I mean, who needs a savings account?

That all the pieces of my life are falling right into place.

Sambuca Margarita? It that a real thing? Well, we only had sambuca, so it is now.

What is the name of...your roommate who is very sorry and would do anything?

Why do you want to get rid of her so badly? She exchanges every gift she gets.

There was no big dog.

This sucks! I already got her a briefcase with 'R.G.' put on it. Her initials.

Okay, I'm really bad at initials.

Yeah, well, my Camel Cash was about to expire.

You know what? It's a girlie briefcase. Who cares! He works in a museum.

I don't know, R.G. I was thinking something girlie for your office.

Then you'll get stuck with Rachel, and she exchanges every gift.

Big dog?

He just mumbles something in Italian. And I know he only knows the bad words.

And that chick used to be very cute.

What? We got a box.

The meaning of the box is threefold. One, it gives me the time to think about what I did. Two, it proves how much I care about my friendship with Joey. And three...it hurts.

Air hole! Air hole!

The necklace I got you was gold. This is silver. Well, maybe...it changed.

Isn't it better to exchange it for something I enjoy...and can use a lot? What did you get? Credit.

I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get it. I'll get it.

Joey's got the mashed potatoes if you want to exchange them.

You can't tell, but I'm breaking the tension by mooning you guys.

Were you so late because you were burying this woman?

Who keeps leaving old newspapers in the trash?

I have a girlfriend. I'm happy. I no longer go out of my way to stop others from being happy.

Maybe they meant to write 'Quiet, Bitch.'

What's the matter? Fine! Just trying to be nice.

I'm not asking for me. I'm not gay. I'm not asking you out. I'm not gay. I didn't think you were gay. I do now.

By the way, that is her full name.

I don't know what that is, but let's!

Have I got the 50 guys for you!

Guys are signing over their 401Ks to me.

No, the robots just work for them.

Prague? So much you don't know.

You graduated magna cum laude, right?

Actually, it's a hockey team. Angry Canadians with no teeth.

You'll carry their child and get them a Sony PlayStation?

He's right. I'm totally lying.

I was going for the metaphor. / I was saying the actual words.

We share a wall.

Either he's great, or she liked to agree with him a lot. Loudly and a lot. All night long she'd agree.

But I'm just doing it for you guys.

When we're in the audience, he doesn't talk but he does wave.

Why's Phoebe singing to Karl Malden?

She was like, 'I see your point. I'm all right with it.'

My God! Somebody's killing her in there!

You don't have to draw an actual... Whoa, she's hot!

You might if it were like seven.

Oh, toes!

It's like Sophie's Choice. / You know, I never saw that. / Oh, it was only okay.

Well, the vet seems to think that she's becoming a rooster. We're getting a second opinion.

You can only eat Tic Tacs in even numbers.

Challenge extended. - Deal. - Challenge accepted.

All right, we'll start with... apples. We'll be starting with apples.

Well, we used up theirs last night making scary faces.

Animals dressed as humans.

His legs flail about as if independent from his body.

Althea? What are you doing? - Took a shot. Shooting with Althea?

Actually, it's Miss Chanandler Bong.

Weekend at Bernie's.

Okay, everyday use. - Fancy. - Guest. - Fancy guest. - Two seconds. - Uh, eleven?

Fourteen? - No, 19. Thanks, man.

Oh! Oh! He's a transponster. That's not even a word!

Bet you can't guess what color my tonsils are. I bet the apartment.

Chanandler Bong. Come on, we steal that TV Guide every week.

How'd it go? - I lost our mattresses.

I get to have sex with the star of the play! -People can hear you. -I know!

It's like somebody wrote down my worst nightmare... ...and then charged me $32 to see it.

He'll be like, 'Where's your boyfriend? What's his name? Chester?' She'll go, 'It's Chandler.' He'll go, 'Whatever!'

Mel Gibson and Clint Eastwood. They're not a couple. I get the game now.

When they were doing it on stage, was it really hot? Oh, yeah. So you're fine.

You guys have been to every play I've been in. Have I ever had chemistry on stage? -No. -No!

Clearly, you're having sex with him.

Slut!

I don't live here!

Then I went over to Beefsteak Chewley's.... -Beefsteak Charlie's? -Yes!

You and I have always been like:

I don't remember it.

Nick's pants?

Nick and his rock-hard pecs and his giant man-nipples.

They wouldn't have ended up in bed. I threw her at his man-nipples!

Yeah, I wish that rooster were dead.

You know what else is the one? My sweatpants.

That's short for Phoebe? I thought that's what we called each other.

It's 9:30 a.m. They got a breakfast buffet.

No, thanks, Mom!

Then I'll be so drunk, I'll want to call Janice. You should! How is she?

Phase three! I just achieved phase three!

I am totally picturing you with all those women!

I don't want a relationship ever! I just want sex with strippers and my friends!

You are going to take off my clothes. You two, go get the oils. And you, just constantly scream... 'Chandler's the king! Chandler's the king!'

Pay attention. I could wake up at any moment.

I'm Joshua. I'm here to pick up Rachel. That's not Joshua. What do you want from me? I never met the guy.

You said there were gonna be other guys. There are no other guys. - Chandler, there's a guy right over there. - That's a mailman.

Chandler, don't worry. This doesn't make you any less of a guy. That does. What am I sitting on?

Heh. I'd hate to think what this woman was scratching when this broke off.

[SCREAMS] MONICA: Oh, my God. Wow. - Guess who we ran into today?

And there it is.

What? I thought you were crazy about her. You know all those little annoying things she did before we fell in love? You know, like her voice and her laugh and her personality?

My ass is, like, frozen. Yeah, try sticking it in the freezer for 20 minutes.

Oh, boy. I just love to sing. Yes, I know that you do. One of the reasons people were complaining... ...was because most of the people had paid to hear the actor sing 'Old Man River.'

Right. But I just think this is happening too soon. Oh, too soon, too schmoon. Face it, honey, I am not letting you get away this time.

Okay, could you just stop talking for a second? Yemen.

But I do know it's sometime tomorrow.

- Joey, trade lives with me. - Nope.

All right, come on. Look, Ross can take care of himself. It's not like he's Chandler. CHANDLER: Thanks.

He asked you out? - No. But I was showing him some cuff links, and I felt his pulse. Saucy.

All I had to do was pay $25 and wait in line for three hours. Wow. If only more people knew.

Hi. I need a fake ticket to Yemen. - One ticket to Yemen? - Oh, no, no, no. I just need a pretend ticket.

What would you give to a kid if he wanted a ticket to play with? Are you traveling with a child? No.

Well, just until we find an energy source to replace fuel.

Well, then I guess I'm going to Yemen. I'm going to Yemen. When we get to Yemen, can I stay with you?

I don't know how museums work in England, but here, you're not supposed to take stuff.

I got it from the gift shop. / They have really lax security there.

It's a joke. / Anyone for more tea? / No, just me then. / Hey, Ringo.

Every time Emily's around, you talk like her. Would you please cut it out? / I think you like it. / I think you can't resist me when I do it.

You want to eat me up like a cream 'pumpy.' / What? / All right, look, I don't know all the words.

That sucks. Nobody's ever thrown me a bon-voyage-Emily party.

As much as I'd like to meet Josh and warn him...

Or you could use mistletoe. / It's not Christmas. / Spin-the-bottle. / He's not 11.

What are the odds? / That's enough!

From now on, I'm gonna be funny sometimes, and not funny others.

Why would he turn off the TV?

And no one touches the air around the TV.

Imagine a protective porn bubble, if you will.

Don't do the accent. It really bums me out.

Yeah, plus his mom used to put sour cream on everything.

I am a good kisser. Then you two can sneak into the cockpit.

I've been watching too much porn.

Yeah, he likes porn.

But I can get you free White-Out.

So you go to Tokyo.

Then we'd be the guys who turned off free porn.

Did you ever asked you dad that? I don't want to talk about it.

When you say 'still around,' you mean still around like you might be in a relationship... or still around like you might have died waiting for the phone to ring?

I was just at the bank. There was this really hot teller... and she didn't ask me to do it with her in the vault.

Free porn! We have free porn!

You know? Like... Exxon! / It certainly worked for that Valdez kid.