Pilot

Monica:What's wrong with him? He seemed nice.

Chandler:Monica, he had a third nipple.

Monica:So? That's not a dealbreaker.

Rachel:He also had webbed feet.

Monica:Well, he's probably a great swimmer.

Joey:And his ears were on backwards.

Monica:I didn't even notice that.

Phoebe:His belly button was where his mouth should be.

Monica:Okay, NOW it's a dealbreaker.

Chandler:Wait, does he eat chalk?

Monica:It's not a date. We're just going to dinner, and a movie, and then maybe drinks afterwards.

Monica:It's completely casual.

Chandler:That's not a date, that's a date.

Ross:I was naked, and then my... my stuff just turned into a phone.

Chandler:A phone? What kind of phone?

Ross:I don't know, a regular phone!

Ross:Everyone starts looking at me in the dream.

Chandler:Well, you were already naked.

Ross:The weird part isn't the phone-genitals, but that mom called.

Ross:He says, 'Hello,' I want to kill myself.

Ross:It's like my chest is caving in, like there's this hole in my heart that just keeps getting bigger and bigger, and I can't breathe, and everything hurts...

Monica:Want a cookie?

Phoebe:You know what? Fine. I'm gonna put a curse on you.

Ross:Phoebe, no, come on.

Phoebe:Oh, you don't believe in curses either? Well, you should, because you're gonna have three weeks of bad luck.

Ross:Okay, Phoebe, I'm sorry. I didn't mean to hurt your feelings.

Phoebe:It's too late. The curse is already in motion. Oh! And another thing - you're gonna lose something very important to you.

Joey:So are you gonna get a divorce?

Ross:Wait, wait, wait. You're all acting like I should have known. But you're the ones who kept saying 'Why doesn't he just talk to her?' and 'Why doesn't he spend more time with her?' If it was so obvious, why didn't any of you tell me?

Rachel:Wait, so you're saying Carol is... I mean, that's... wow, okay. Well, that's great, that's really great. I'm happy for you.

Rachel:I just... I mean, how do you even... with the...

Rachel:Oh my God, I just said that out loud, didn't I?

Ross:Mom and Dad took it really well.

Monica:Ross, Dad hasn't left his chair since you told him. He just sits there staring at the wall. And Mom's been stress-cleaning. She's reorganized the linen closet three times.

Joey:Hey, I got a solution for you, buddy. You just gotta get back out there, find a nice girl, and do what I do.

Ross:What's that?

Joey:I go to a bar, I have a few drinks, and then I take someone home.

Ross:Joey, that's not exactly a long-term solution.

Joey:No, but it gets you through the night, dude!

Chandler:Yeah, well, wanting something doesn't make it happen. If it did, I'd be married too.

Monica:Please tell me you have a good reason for showing up here in a wedding dress.

Rachel:I can't marry Barry.

Monica:So what, we're just gonna skip all the stuff where you run through the streets, the music swells, and then you end up here?

Rachel:I was looking at these beautiful wedding gifts, and I realized I was more excited about the Calphalon cookware than I was about Barry.

Rachel:I realized my fiancé is just like a Tickle Me Elmo.

Monica:What?

Rachel:Yeah, you wind him up, he does the same thing over and over again, and then you realize you don't care anymore.

Rachel:Daddy, hi! Oh my God, I'm so glad you called.

Rachel's Father:Rachel? What's wrong? Are you hurt?

Rachel:No, no, I'm fine. Well, actually, I'm not fine. I'm kind of in a situation.

Rachel's Father:Oh my God, what happened? Do you need money?

Rachel:No, Daddy, I need to talk to you about something serious.

Rachel's Father:Okay, okay. But first, get me a pastrami on rye, extra mustard, and a Dr. Brown's.

Rachel:I'll have what she's having.

Waiter:You got it.

Rachel:If I let go of my hair, my head will fall off.

Monica:Oh my God, oh my God! She's getting married! This is it! This is the moment we've been waiting for all season!

Monica:Wait, what?! He's not even there?! How can she get married if he's not—oh no, oh no, no, no!

Monica:I can't believe this is happening right now!

Rachel:Dad, you have to understand. Life is like... accessories. You start with the basics, right? A simple belt, a classic watch.

Rachel:But then you realize you need more. So you add a scarf, maybe some bangles. And suddenly you're at the accessory store at 2 AM buying a visor shaped like a pineapple.

Rachel:And sure, the pineapple visor doesn't match anything I own, and yes, I've been fired from that job, and okay, I'm currently living on Monica's couch. But that visor? That visor is who I am, Dad.

Rachel:That's all I'm saying.

Chandler:I'm sorry, I'm lost. Are we still talking about shoes?

Rachel:I'm done taking money from my father. I'm going to be completely independent.

Rachel:Starting tomorrow, I'm cutting him off completely. No more handouts.

Rachel:Actually, you know what? Let me just call him real quick and see if I can borrow a little more before I tell him that.

Phoebe:Raindrops on roses And whiskers on kittens... La la la something And noodles with string

Rachel:I feel so much better! Thank you, Phoebe.

Phoebe:You're welcome! I knew my song would help.

Monica:Phoebe, you made up half those lyrics.

Phoebe:Well, it still worked, didn't it?

Joey:Wait, wait, wait. So you're telling me I can't hit on Rachel today because it's her wedding day?

Joey:But what about tomorrow? Is that cool? Because I'm gonna need to know the rules here.

Monica:That's the sound of my soul dying.

Chandler:So he's 'the wine guy'? What, does he just stand around going 'Whine, whine, whine'?

Chandler:I'm sorry, what was his name again?

Monica:I just pulled out four eyelashes. That can't be good.

Joey:She really likes it when you rub her neck in the same spot.. until it starts to get red.

Chandler:So where are you guys thinking of going? Paris? Rome? Oh! Oh! What about that place with all the lizards? You know, the one where the lizards just... they don't wear hats, but if they did, they'd probably go to the store on Tuesdays...

Phoebe:Oh, I would love to help, but I can't. I have a thing.

Phoebe:It's called a back. And it's very delicate. I threw it out once reaching for the remote, so...

Phoebe:Oh, my love is like a dove, so gentle and so true... But then he poops all over my car like pigeons do.

Ross:Okay, so according to these instructions, I need a Phillips head screwdriver, a hammer, and apparently a degree in mechanical engineering.

Ross:Where is part B? There's no part B! The instructions say 'attach part B to the frame,' but there is no part B!

Ross:Oh, that's great. Now my finger's stuck in the drawer. How is that even possible?

Ross:This is it. This is how I go. Killed by IKEA furniture. Monica's going to say 'I told you so' for eternity.

Chandler:That's a dovetail joint.

Chandler:I have no idea what a dovetail joint does.

Ross:I should have seen the signs. She drank beer from a can.

Ross:She said she needed more space.

Ross:She started going to the gym... a lot.

Ross:She said she was 'finding herself.'

Ross:And she kept saying how much she loved her new friend Bonnie... I mean, Susan.

Joey:Hey, hey, hey! I got an idea. Why don't you just break her leg?

Chandler:What?

Joey:Think about it. She can't leave you if she's got a broken leg!

Rachel:Barry, it's me. I'm not going to be coming to the wedding. And I can't explain why, but when you get back to the apartment, you'll know. Oh, and Barry? I'm sorry.

Ross:I mean, at least you're not going through a midlife crisis.

Rachel:A midlife crisis?! Ross, I'm not even thirty yet!

Monica:Yeah, and I'm standing right here.

Chandler:Joey and I, we don't do serious relationships. We measure commitment in candy.

Joey:Yeah, like, if a girl lasts through a whole box of Junior Mints, that's like, a month.

Chandler:And if you make it to a full-size Snickers bar? Buddy, you're basically engaged.

Ross:So you're saying there's only one person out there for everyone? That's what they say.

Ross:Well, I had that person. She married my best friend.

Joey:No, no, no. There is not one perfect person for everyone. I mean, what if your soulmate is on the other side of the world? What if she's out there right now, eating.. eating.. what? I dunno, a chicken.

Joey:And when she realizes that her soulmate is Joey Tribbiani... and she comes over and there's no food in the apartment... I mean, how is that fair to her?

Joey:Look, dating is like ice cream. You got all these flavors to choose from.

Joey:You can't just pick vanilla and stick with it forever.

Ross:I like vanilla.

Joey:Exactly! That's your problem. You gotta sample the goods, man. Rocky Road, Mint Chip, Cookie Dough...

Joey:Live a little! Get out there and taste some flavors before you commit to the whole tub.

Ross:Wait, so you're saying the ice cream is like a relationship?

Monica:Yes! And sometimes you need to let it go before it melts.

Ross:That's... actually kind of deep.

Monica:Well, don't think too hard about it while you're eating my Ben & Jerry's!

Monica:I need to tell you guys something, but I'm nervous about sharing it.

Rachel:Monica, we're your best friends. You can tell us anything.

Monica:Well... I've been seeing a therapist.

Chandler:That's great, Monica. Why are you nervous?

Monica:Because it feels like I'm moving too fast. I mean, we just met three weeks ago, and now I'm already telling her about my childhood issues. That's like... third date material!

Ross:There's something I need to tell you about our first time together.

Ross:I was so nervous, and... well, let's just say things didn't go exactly as planned.

Monica:Oh my God, I'm so sorry! Did I just spit on you?

Ross:Yeah, you did.

Monica:I can't believe I just did that. That is so gross!

TV:And now, the wedding of Richie Cunningham and Lori Beth Allen from Happy Days.

Rachel:Wait, so you're saying that couple on TV got married even though they didn't love each other?

Monica:That's what I just said.

Rachel:Well, that's the difference between them and me. I actually love him.

Rachel:I know! It's like that song... 'Don't go chasing waterfalls'

Joey:Wait, wait. Which one is she?

Chandler:The one with the dog.

Joey:Oh! Oh, the one with the dog! Right, right, right. No, I got it now.

Rachel:I'm getting really good at making coffee.

Chandler:That's great! Although, I have to say, watching you make coffee is like watching the German invasion of Poland.

Joey:Hey Chandler, we're like Laverne and Shirley!

Chandler:Which one are you?

Joey:I'm Laverne.

Chandler:Of course you are.

Paul:It was like an Amish barn-raising scene. Everyone showed up, worked together, and by the end of the day, something big and beautiful was standing up.

Monica:Wait, what? That wasn't a real date?

Joey:Hey, don't knock children's theater! I was a tree in 'The Wizard of Oz.' Do you know how hard it is to stand still for two hours while kids pick at your bark?

Chandler:♪ I'm a real boy, I'm a real boy ♪

Monica:What is with that smile? You look like a dead fish.

Rachel:So what's the difference between him and your ex?

Monica:Well, he actually calls me back.

Monica:So while you're off having fun on vacation, I'll be here... alone. Again.

Franny:Come on, it's just a week with the family. How bad could it be?

Monica:A week? Franny, you're going to be sitting around playing board games and making small talk. Meanwhile, Chandler and I will be... well, let's just say we'll be very busy.

Franny:Busy doing what?

Monica:Use your imagination.

Franny:I also slept with Paul.

Other Character:What? When?

Franny:Well, he couldn't really get it up, so we mostly just slept.

Monica:I'm like a dog whistle for damaged men.

Rachel:I'm calling them my 'job interview' boots.

Rachel:Because that's the only place they're going.

Rachel:Well, I was planning to live off my parents.

Rachel:And then I was going to marry rich.

Phoebe:Yeah, my mom used to lock me in the closet. One time I tried to kill myself by holding my breath.

Phoebe:But then I got lightheaded and I passed out, and when I woke up I was fine. It was weird.

Phoebe:Anyway, have you tried lavender? It's really soothing.

Monica:So... anyway...

Rachel:There. It's done. I've cut up the credit card.

Monica:Rachel... that was my library card.

Rachel:What?!

Monica:My credit card is in my wallet. You just destroyed my library card.

Rachel:I'm cutting up my credit cards.

Chandler:Oh no! Do you know what you're doing? That's not just a credit card, that's a tiny piece of plastic that represents the entire economic infrastructure of Western civilization. When you cut that up, you're not just cutting up a card, you're cutting up the hopes and dreams of Wall Street traders everywhere. You're destroying the delicate balance of our nation's economy. That card was somebody's retirement plan!

Monica:Welcome to adulthood! Here's a mop, here's a bucket, and here's your crippling anxiety about whether you're doing it right.

Ross:I had a crush on you in high school.

Rachel:I know.

Ross:You knew?

Rachel:Of course I knew. You were so geeky.

Rachel:So what's going on with you two?

Ross:Well, you know that thing Joey said about ice cream? How you can't just have vanilla when there's chocolate available?

Rachel:Yeah?

Ross:I'm chocolate.

Joey:Hey, I know butts. I'm not saying she has a bad butt. I'm saying it's a *different* kind of butt.

Phoebe:I had this dream where I was Liza Minnelli performing in Vegas, and it was amazing. I was wearing this incredible sequined gown, and the audience was going wild. And then I woke up and realized I was just lying in my apartment in my regular clothes. But you know what? For those few minutes, I was fabulous.