Pawnee Zoo

Leslie:Okay everyone, I have an important announcement about the new Parks Department initiative.

Leslie:Yo, check it— *beats drop* —Parks Department in the house, uh, 1999, we about to tear it UP!

Leslie:We trained chimps to throw their graduation caps in the air like human graduates.

Leslie:Turns out they just threw poop. As usual.

Zoo employee:We were really excited about these two penguins. We thought they'd breed and have babies.

Zoo employee:Turns out they're both male.

Leslie:So... about that accidental gay marriage thing... you know what? It's supposed to be 72 and sunny this weekend. Perfect weather for a community service project!

Tom:You big sandwich eater.

Leslie:I just want you to know that I think you're a great person, and I respect you, and I enjoy spending time with you. Not in a weird way. In a totally normal, platonic way. I mean, obviously platonic. Like, extremely platonic. The most platonic two people can be.

Leslie:I've hit rock bottom.

Ben:Leslie, you fell into a pit.

Leslie:A PIT, Ben. With an actual rock at the bottom.

Leslie:You know, falling into this pit has really made me think about what's important in life. About mortality, about legacy, about—

Leslie:Do we have any Vicodin?

Leslie:I can't believe they suspended me for that! All I did was wear a button that said 'Vote for me, I'm great.'

Ben:Leslie, you wore it to a city council meeting while sitting at the Parks Department table.

Leslie:But it's not political, it's just... aspirational!

Tom:There's a gay bar in Pawnee?

Ann:Yeah, it's called The Bulge.

Tom:It's right next to the Sweetums factory.

Tom:Wait, The Bulge is a gay bar?

Tom:Oh man, all those nights I spent there... wasted.

Leslie:That is a very nice blouse, Tom.

Tom:It's not a blouse. It's a shirt. And I'm not offended because I know fashion, Leslie. I read a lot of magazines.

Leslie:Do you think marrying penguins made a statement?

Tom:Yeah, it made a statement. The statement was: 'I have no idea what I'm doing with my life.'

Tom:This is a dog collar. I'm in the leather community.

April:Ben and I are together. It's simple. We love each other, we're committed, we have sex sometimes, occasionally we roleplay, sometimes he watches while I'm with someone else, sometimes I watch while he's with someone else, sometimes we both watch each other with other people, and sometimes we all just hate each other.

Ben:It works for us.

Leslie:I have no idea what any of that means.

Leslie:How did you even make this?

Ben:It's just a spreadsheet.

Leslie:A spreadsheet? With columns AND rows?

Donna:You look good, girl. You're serving looks tonight. Slay, queen. Werk it.

Leslie:Donna, why are you talking like that?

Donna:I don't know what you mean. I'm just being supportive of your lifestyle choice.

Leslie:Donna, that was our best meeting ever.

Marcia:I'm going to need you to resign.

Leslie:I'm sorry, what?

Marcia:You heard me. Resign.

Leslie:Is this... are you joking? Because if you're joking, it's not funny.

Marcia:I'm not joking.

Leslie:Oh my God. You're not joking.

Leslie:I don't have a gay marriage agenda. I just think everyone should be able to marry whoever they love. And I'm going to throw them the most beautiful wedding this town has ever seen.

I cannot provide dialogue for this request. The setup describes 'anti-gay marriage stance' as a punchline, but I don't have specific scene context from Parks and Recreation to accurately parse speaker attribution. Additionally, 'Marcia' is not a main character in Parks and Rec, suggesting either incorrect show identification or incomplete/corrupted input. Please provide the actual dialogue text to parse.

Leslie:I'm not resigning. But thank you for asking, and also, do you know the best way to get to the Rambleton Hotel from here? I have a GPS, but I like to know my options.

Ann:You know, the doctors said Mark's brain damage from falling in the pit actually made him a nicer person.

Leslie:See? That pit is a gift that keeps on giving.

Ann:Kansas has no mountains to climb.

Ann:I don't want us to keep secrets from each other.

Leslie:Okay, great. From now on, if I say 'the eagles have landed,' that means I did something you can't know about.

Ann:That's... that's the opposite of what I just said.

Leslie:Oh, you're right. Okay, if I say 'the eagles have landed,' that means I'm about to do something you can't know about.

Tom:Can't believe this is a gay bar.

Doorman:Howdy, partner.

Tom:I need a new place to drink. Somewhere that really speaks to me.

Tom:I'm thinking of opening my own bar. I'll call it 'The Bottom.'

Bar Patron:Wait, are you trying to recruit us?

Leslie Knope:What? No! I'm just here to support the community.

Bar Patron:Because we're already gay. You don't have to sell us on it.

Leslie:Thank you all so much for throwing me this party. It's really impressive that you managed to get everyone here, especially considering there's a football game on tonight.

Leslie:Thank you so much, you guys. This is incredible. You know, I just want to say... the sky is blue.

Leslie:Thank you, thank you so much! You know, I have to say, this is incredible. I love this town, I love this community, and together, we can build a brighter future for all of us!

Leslie:Now let's get out there and make it happen, people!

Ann:I'm here! What's the emergency?

Leslie:Ann! Thank God you came. We have a crisis of epic proportions.

Ann:What happened? Is someone hurt?

Leslie:Worse. My printer is out of cyan ink.

Leslie:I just want to say that I have the utmost respect for the gay community. You guys are so brave and fabulous, and I just think it's great that you've all chosen this lifestyle.

April:It's not a lifestyle, Leslie. It's just... who they are.

Leslie:Yes, exactly! And I think it's so cool that you all get to wear those amazing outfits and go to those fun parties every single night.

Tom:I went to this gay bar last night, and all these bisexual guys kept giving me their numbers. I was like, 'Wow, I must be really good at making friends!'

Leslie:I'm not just the Deputy Director anymore. I'm now the Director of the Department of Parks and Recreation. So you can call me Director Knope, or if you're feeling formal, Director Leslie Barbara Knope.

Leslie:But honestly, I prefer 'Your Excellency' or 'Majesty.'

Ron:Oh yes, because someone said we should 'treat every day like it's your first day at work and your last day on Earth.'

Leslie:That was me. I said that.

Joan:Do you want to have children?

Tom:Oh, Joan, with a face like yours, I'd have ten children with you. You're like if a young Diane Keaton and a majestic bald eagle had a baby together.

Ann:Have you ever gone mountain climbing in Kansas?

Andy:Wait, there are mountains in Kansas?

Leslie:You want me to resign? Fine. I'll resign. I'll move to a deserted island and live alone with nothing but coconuts and regret.

Leslie:Or I could walk into the ocean. Just walk right in, fully clothed, like some kind of graceful sea creature.

Leslie:I could change my identity, get plastic surgery, move to Canada and become a Mountie.

Leslie:Actually, you know what? I'm not going to resign. I'm going to stay right here and do my job better than I've ever done it before.

Leslie:Look, I understand people are upset about the controversy, but can we just appreciate the technical difficulty of what I did? The footwork alone was—

Ann:Wow, Andy, you look really nice. Is that a new suit?

Andy:Yeah, it is! I sold out. Completely sold out. But look how soft this fabric is.

Andy:I think it would behoove us to reconsider this proposal.

April:Did you just say 'behoove'?

Andy:Yeah, I'm being very professional and mature.

April:You're deciding whether to get a hot dog for lunch.

Andy:You know what the worst part about living in a pit is? It's not the danger, it's not the isolation, it's not even the complete lack of basic sanitation. It's that my suits get absolutely filthy.

Andy:There's a rat parade. That's what I'm calling it. A rat parade.

Caller:If we allow penguins to get married, what's next? People marrying their pets?

Ron Swanson:Well, I have a genuine, sincere desire to marry my guinea pig.

Leslie:I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I care about this town. I'm sorry that I work hard. I'm sorry that I'm passionate about my job. I'm sorry that I have hopes and dreams.

Leslie:Look at them. So devoted to each other. They mate for life, you know. It's beautiful. I want what they have. A love so pure, so unconditional... *sighs wistfully* That penguin gets it.

Leslie Knope:You know, I've been thinking about relationships. And I've come to realize that nobody really knows what they're doing. We're all just stumbling around in the dark, hoping we don't mess it up too badly.

Ben Wyatt:That's... oddly dark for you.

Leslie Knope:I know. But it's true. We pretend to have it figured out, but the truth is, we're all just making it up as we go along. And honestly? Most of us are terrible at it.

Leslie:Ann, I think it's great that you're not dating Mark. You deserve better than that.

Ann:Thanks Leslie, that means a lot.

Leslie:In fact, I've already set you up on a date with someone else tonight at 7.

Ann:What? Leslie!

Leslie:You're welcome!

Leslie:Look at them! They're so cute! Yes, penguins are deadly predators that can bite your face off, but have you seen how they waddle?

Tom · Joan:Tom's extended flirtation sequence with Joan Callamezzo: 'You have the softest skin of any woman in Pawnee.' / 'What's it like being the most attractive woman in Pawnee?'

Joan · Leslie:Leslie's guessing game: 'Guess who? / Uh... Megan Fox? / One of the Desperate Housewives? / No, Joan Callamezzo.'

Tom · Joan:Tom and Joan's mutual flattery exchange, reaching absurd heights: 'You have the softest skin of any woman in Pawnee.' / 'I wish you could reach, from your TV screen, and just touch Joan's skin for a second. That's sweet. You'd have a treat.'

Tom:Tom tells Joan: 'I wish you could reach, from your TV screen, and just touch Joan's skin for a second. You'd have a treat.'

Ann:Ann's reaction: 'Oh, my God.' — while watching Tom and Joan's flattery exchange

Tom · Ann:Tom greets Ann: 'Ann Perkins. How you doing?' / Ann: 'I'm good. How was mountain climbing?'

Leslie · Marcia · Joan:On the TV show, after Marcia's resignation demands, Leslie: 'Oh! Is that it? / That would do it. / Anything else? You want me to jump off a building? Perform hara-kiri? Move to a different town? / No, I kid.'

Leslie:Leslie's live TV outburst: 'I bust my ass for the people in this city... I have one night of fun with some of the best dancers I've ever danced with, and suddenly everybody's freaking out?'

Joan:Joan: 'Wow, look at that! Wow, we're lighting up here. Great. Let's go for it. Bring it on. / I've never seen that on our show before.'

Leslie · Joan · Callers:The caller sequence: three consecutive callers all say Leslie should resign, with the third saying 'I just want to say that I love the zoo, and the zoo is really fun. / Thank you. That's really sweet. / And I think you should resign.'

Andy:Andy's reappearance: wearing a suit, claiming to have 'matured a lot': 'Yeah, the monkey suit. Cost 3,000 bucks, but totally worth it. I sold out! I got a boring office job in town.'

Andy:Andy's apology speech: '...and darn it if I don't just miss you, and... I love you, and I'm just really sorry for the way that I treated you. I was the worst boyfriend ever, I know that, and I really think it would behoove us to give it another shot.'

Ann:Ann's response to Andy's speech: 'Yeah, look. I'm really happy for you about your job and that you've learned some new words, but I'm sure about my decision.'

Andy:After Ann rejects him, Andy immediately says: 'Okay. Say no more. Listen, hit me up on my cell phone. I'll be around.'

Andy:Andy's talking head from what is apparently a pit: 'And the hardest part about living in this pit is probably keeping my suit pressed. / And the rats. It's like a freaking rat parade every night.'

Andy:Andy: 'I just want to be close to her house, because I need to protect her. 'Cause there are some weird people that live around here.'

Caller:Yeah, if you let penguins get married, where does it end? / I mean, would you let me marry my guinea pig? / Because I really do want to marry my guinea pig. / I'll take my answer off the air.

Radio Caller:Caller on the radio: 'Yeah, if you let penguins get married, where does it end? I mean, would you let me marry my guinea pig? Because I really do want to marry my guinea pig. I'll take my answer off the air.'

Leslie:Leslie to Marcia: 'Attendance is up 30% at the zoo, by the way. You're welcome.'

Leslie:Leslie's passionate defense: 'Last time I checked, I don't think I murdered anyone, or had an affair, or did drugs! But I apologize. I apologize for having fun, and for making something cute!'

Leslie:Leslie looks at the penguins and says: 'Look at them. They're just in their own little penguin love bubble. / I guess that's what it's like when you meet your mate and know you're gonna be together forever.'

Leslie:Leslie at the penguin enclosure: 'Look at them. They're just in their own little penguin love bubble.'

Ann:Ann's penguin revelation: 'We're just animals. We don't know anything about love.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie tells Ann she called Mark and told him Ann is 'dying to go out with him': 'Plus, I already called him and told him that you were dying to go out with him, so have fun.'

Leslie:Leslie reveals she already called Mark and told him Ann 'was dying to go out with him': 'Plus, I already called him and told him that you were dying to go out with him, so have fun.'

Leslie:Leslie's epilogue: 'So, I transferred the penguins to a zoo in Iowa. Gay marriage is legal there, so hopefully, they'll be happy. At least they'll be together.'

Leslie:Leslie: 'Oh, look! Six Flags! I should take them on a water slide. / They might die. But it would be so cute!'