The Camel

Leslie:The mural has been vandalized. Someone stabbed it. Multiple times. With a knife.

Leslie:You know what? I think the real issue here is that we need to commission a less-offensive version of history.

Joe:Will you design a tree?

Leslie:Your department specializes in crap.

Joe:It's not the Parks Department, it's the Department of Parks and Recreation.

Tom:Oh wow, okay. So what do you specialize in?

Joe:Specializing in losing.

Tom:Wait, how do we keep getting hot interns? We work in a sewage department.

Ron:It's the power of government benefits.

Leslie:O.J. Simpson! Great athlete, great actor. Starred in the Naked Gun movies.

Leslie:Donna, your nails look amazing! Did you do them yourself? Your nail art skills are incredible.

Donna:Please. I pay someone to do this. I'm not sitting around doing my own nails.

Leslie:Ron, I need you to do something for me.

Ron:No.

Leslie:Ron, please. I'm asking you as a friend.

Ron:I don't take orders from you, Knope. You have no authority over me.

Leslie:I know. But will you help me anyway?

Ron:Fine.

Leslie:Make it work.

Tom:That's a Tim Gunn reference.

Ron:I was working when I was nine years old. I ran a small factory.

Ron:Child labor laws have really put a damper on my productivity.

Jerry:You know, I was at the podiatrist yesterday, and he removed this bunion that's been killing me for years. And I gotta tell you, the relief is... it's like my foot is a symphony that's finally in tune. It's like a thousand tiny angels are doing a soft-shoe routine across my sole. It's like my foot and I have made peace after decades of war, and we're now entering a golden age of cooperation and understanding.

Artist:So you want me to paint something personal, but you won't tell me anything about yourself?

Tom:That's correct.

Artist:How am I supposed to create personal art if you won't share anything personal?

Tom:That's your problem, not mine. I'm paying you to figure it out.

Ron:I have no interest in art.

Ron:I only like nude art.

Tom:This is supposed to be abstract art? It looks like you just threw paint at a canvas.

Artist:That's because I'm an abstract expressionist. I channel my emotions directly onto the canvas.

Tom:The only thing you're expressing is that you're a con artist.

Leslie:This is literally a dream come true.

Leslie:I'm finally getting everything I want. I'm the mayor, I have the perfect job, the perfect life...

Leslie:Wait, why is it getting dark? Why are all my teeth falling out?

Leslie:Oh no, oh no, I'm naked in City Hall and everyone's pointing and laughing.

Leslie:And now... now there's a giant squid coming out of the fountain?

Leslie:And Gina Gershon is here. She's just... standing there. Gina, why are you in my dream?

Andy:Wait, so 'elbow grease'? That's not actually a thing, right? Like, it's just a saying?

Andy:But elbow grease would have to come from your elbow. Which means your elbow produces grease. But I don't have grease on my elbow.

Andy:Unless... oh my God, am I not working hard enough? Is my elbow supposed to be making grease right now?

Andy:I have no idea what I'm doing, but I know I'm great at it.

Tom:Ann, this is... this is a collage of your face made entirely of pictures of your face. That's not art, that's a cry for help. Also, the proportions are all wrong. Your head isn't actually that elongated.

Tom:Ann, you are a beautiful, intelligent, strong black woman.

Ann:Tom, I'm not black.

Tom:I know. I was just trying to say something nice.

Andy:I don't understand what I'm looking at, but I feel... something.

Tom:That's art, buddy.

Andy:Well it's making me really uncomfortable.

Jerry:I'm recreating the Last Supper with Indiana celebrities.

Ann:Who's playing Jesus?

Jerry:Greg Kinnear.

Ann:Why Greg Kinnear?

Jerry:Well, he's from Indiana and he's got kind of a spiritual quality.

Jerry:Greg Kinnear is a great choice. He was in that show, you know, the one with the... the thing.

Ann:What show?

Jerry:The one where he was really funny. I think it was called 'Sabrina the Teenage Witch.'

Ann:That was Melissa Joan Hart.

Jerry:No, no, Greg Kinnear was definitely in that. Or was he in 'Friends'? He had that apartment...

Tom:Did you just say 'murinal'?

Jerry:Yes, the murinal in the bathroom.

Tom:It's 'mural,' Jerry. A mural. Not a murinal.

Jerry:Well, it's in the bathroom, so...

Tom:That doesn't make it a murinal. What's next, you gonna tell me about the 'toiletscape' above the sink?

Jerry:Now that's just silly.

Tom:Is it? Because you're out here creating a whole bathroom art gallery vocabulary. We should get you a brochure for the 'Potteryville Museum.'

Tom:You know what they should call it? A 'murinal.' Get it? Like mural, but... urinal.

Ben:That's... that's not a pun, Tom. That's just two words combined.

Tom:Exactly! A murinal! It's medical genius!

Everyone:Mu-ri-nal! Mu-ri-nal! Mu-ri-nal!

Jerry:I spent three months developing this technique. I layer the paint in seventeen different ways, each one building on the last. It's about creating depth and texture that really speaks to the human condition.

Tom:It looks like a cat threw up on a canvas.

April:It's a multimedia art project about the futility of existence. There's a guy in a hamster wheel, and he's screaming, and his skin is peeling off, and he's covered in his own blood and feces.

Leslie:April, what is this? Why is there a dead animal in the middle of the room?

April:It's a commentary on the commodification of nature in post-industrial society.

Leslie:It's a dead raccoon.

April:Exactly. You're starting to get it.

Leslie:You know what stands the test of time? The Mona Lisa. The pyramids. The Beatles. Things of true, enduring beauty and cultural significance. And Squeeze. The band Squeeze.

Leslie:That's why all the best art is about tragedy. You know, like, Holocaust movies always win Oscars. And there was that time the bread factory caught fire over on 9th and it was actually kind of beautiful in a sad way.

Tom:Okay, so we got the results back from the design competition.

Leslie:And? Who won?

Tom:Well, that's the thing... everyone voted for their own design.

Leslie:What? Everyone? How is that even possible?

Tom:Apparently people really believe in their own work.

Leslie:This is a nightmare. We have no winner. This is a tie five ways.

Customer:What was that noise you just made?

Andy:Oh, that? That was just an involuntary sound. Sometimes when I'm concentrating really hard, my body just makes noises. It's like a reflex.

Customer:It sounded like you were in pain.

Andy:No, no, I'm fine. It's just my thing. My body does what it wants sometimes.

Tom:Yeah, we can eliminate Ann's design.

Ann:Oh wow, thanks for the support, Tom.

Tom:Any kid could make those shapes.

Andy:Oh yeah? Well a kid didn't make this. God made this. God reached down from Heaven and said, 'Andy, I'm gonna make you the dopestShape guy ever,' and then He did it.

Leslie:We're all about collaboration here. I've worked with some of the greatest minds in history — Jim Davis, creator of Garfield, alongside Michelangelo, Da Vinci, and Picasso.

Leslie:Ann is in serious drug trouble.

Mark:What?

Leslie:I'm just kidding. But what I'm about to tell you is equally important.

Mark:You know what they say about things designed by committee.

Mark:It ends up looking like a camel.

Leslie:Mark, you're really talented. You have such an eye for design and composition.

Mark:Thanks, but honestly, I'm just okay. I mean, I can draw a straight line and I know where to put things so they look balanced, but that's not really talent. That's just... paying attention.

Leslie:No, it's more than that. You have a gift.

Mark:I have a job. There's a difference.

Leslie:What were you gonna do tonight?

Mark:I was gonna grab some Burger King, maybe watch a Ken Burns documentary.

Mark:My art is going to win because it's boring. Nobody wants to look at it, so they'll just move on to the next piece. And if they do look at it, the sheer lack of color and creativity will make their eyes hurt so much they won't be able to see the acid attack pieces from the opening.

Leslie:If we're gonna beat the others, we have to choose something that will stand the test of time... Like the Mona Lisa or the music of Squeeze.

Joe:Hey Leslie, you work in the Department of... Parks?

Leslie:Yes, Joe. The Parks Department. And you know what that means? You work in a department too. It's called the Department of Shut Up.

Customer:So I took my shoes to Andy at the shoe shine stand, and he kept making these weird animal noises the whole time he was working on them.

Customer:Grunting, squealing, making these bizarre sounds like he was some kind of wild animal.

Customer:I asked him what he was doing, and he said that's just how he gets into the rhythm of shoe shining. I'm never going back there again.

Police Chief:Our mural combines classic kitsch art with an apocalyptic theme. We've got a sad clown riding a unicorn through a nuclear wasteland.

Police Chief:And there's a hamburger-headed woman casually mentioning the mural.

Ann:Wait, is that Michael Jackson carrying Jesus into danger?

Jerry:Well, if you look at the moonwalk direction, it just looks like he's backing away from him.

Leslie Knope:We've decided to keep the mural, but we're giving it a new, more politically correct name.

Leslie Knope:It's now called 'A Celebration of Caucasian Excellence and the Rejection of Immigrants.'

Artist:I can't believe they're giving me actual school assignments. I'm trying to pursue my passion for art.

Tom:School assignments? Those are just distractions from what really matters. You gotta follow your dreams, man. Forget about the responsibilities.

Andy:I don't understand why this triangle has to be so sad.

Andy:Look at it. Three sides, and it's still alone.

Andy:That square over there? It has four sides and somehow it's happier.

Andy:That's not fair. That's not fair at all.

Unknown · Ben/Mark · Unknown:Ann's in trouble. We think it might be pills. / What? / No. That's a lie.

Mark/Ben · Leslie:You made a camel. / You've never heard that saying? A camel is actually a horse designed by a committee.

Mark/Ben · Leslie · Mark/Ben:...one ugly camel... featuring Bill Paxton. / Greg Kinnear. / Right. / Is Bill Paxton from Indiana?

Mark/Ben:I was gonna go to Arby's and watch Frontline.

Mark/Ben · Tom · Ann · Tom:So, it is an old man feeding pigeons in a park. The spirit of Pawnee, maybe? / You gotta be kidding me. / How is that better than mine? / It isn't. And that's saying something.

Unknown/Ron · Others:Who did this? I like it. / Seriously? / Sorry! It comforts me.

Mark/Ben · Unknown:No point of view. Smart.

Joe (Sewage) · Leslie or Tom:How's life in the Parks De-fart-ment? / Better than life in the Sewage De-fart-ment. Which makes more sense.

Joe (Sewage) · Leslie or Tom:Because it's gonna be hanging on the wall, right outside your door for the next 100 years! / That was pretty good.

Mark/Ben:They went super-patriotic. It's a classic mistake. It seems crowd-pleasing, but it's a stance. And there's always someone who'll oppose a stance. / Us... Old man feeding pigeons... No stance. / Absolutely no point of view whatsoever.

Ron:I haven't been back. I wish him good luck in his business. And, yes, I will absolutely go back to get my shoes shined soon. / I don't frankly see why this is a topic for discussion.

Mark/Ben · Andy:You know the thing? / The other day? / Other day... Other day... / Yesterday? / I am... That was... I'm okay. You know, I'd be okay if we... If we never mentioned it again. / Never mentioned what? / The moan. The weird moan you made that was super-weird? Do you not remember that? I talked about it with the lady who went after for half an hour. She said she thought it was an animal...

Mark/Ben · Andy:Let's just not talk about it anymore. / That's what I was trying to say. / But, yeah... Okay. / Good job.

Chief Konner · Fire Dept. Representative:It's your basic dogs playing poker, but, with an everything's-on-fire theme. / This is my nephew over here. And this is an attractive lady with a hamburger for a head. / Just some stuff we like.

Chief Konner:Just some stuff we like. Anyway, we had a lot of fun putting it together.

Leslie:The camel's way more fun. I want my team back. And my team made this hot, crazy camel mess. So this is what we're gonna submit, even if it means we lose. God, I hope we win. But we're definitely gonna lose. Probably.

Unknown · Tom:What are the shapes? / The shapes are awesome, is what they are. You can't handle it.

Presenter · Leslie · Presenter · Leslie:Who is he carrying? / Jesus Greg Kinnear. / It looks like he's carrying Kinnear into the burning building. / That's because he's moonwalking. So he... Should be goin' the other way. / That did not occur to me.

Leslie:We didn't win. But neither did anyone else. They realized it was gonna cost a ton of money, to hire a muralist. So they're just gonna restore the old one. They're changing the title to the diversity express.

Tom · April (implied) · April:Look at that. / It's not as good as the other one. / I don't know what you mean by good? / Neither do I! / Just do another one! / I have actual assignments that I have to finish for art school. / Shut up and do more art for me.

Tom · Someone else:This one's racist. / It's beautiful.

Tom · Unknown:I've looked at this for five hours, now. / I like the green one and the red circle right here. / I'm tearing up, man.