Mark Brendanawicz

Mark · Leslie:Mark: 'What about that thing you did for the middle school newspaper last year?' Leslie: 'Oh. No. I don't count that. That was a smear job.'

Leslie · Mark:Leslie: 'What do you think her opening gambit is gonna be? What is she gonna ask me first?' Mark: 'How you spell your name.' Leslie: 'Of course. Because of the silent K.'

Leslie · Mark:Leslie has 30 discussion questions prepared for a local newspaper interview. Mark: 'You're insane.'

Leslie · Mark:Leslie to Mark: 'And it turns out that Ann is on birth-control pills.' Mark: 'Okay.'

Leslie · Mark:Leslie to Mark: 'It has come to my attention that you had sex with Ms. Malwae-Tweep. That's personal. It's unethical and it's irresponsible for a public servant to have sex with a member of the press corps. Especially when you have sex with someone who is so skanky.'

Mark:Mark to Leslie: 'I'm gonna say something. I don't want you to take it the wrong way. But you're being a huge dork.'

Leslie · Mark:Leslie reacts to 'huge dork' with visible wounded dignity, then formally: 'Well, I can't allow that kind of behavior from someone serving on my subcommittee.' Mark: 'Well, then I resign from your subcommittee.'

Mark · Leslie:Mark insists the 'never ever ever ever' quote was 'off the record.' Leslie: 'Did you say it was off the record?' Mark: 'Do you have to say it's off the record?' — a pause — 'Oh, God.'

Mark · Shauna:Mark explains the context: 'You got up because you had to write the article and I said, Come on, stay in bed. That park is never, ever, ever gonna get made.' Shauna: 'Right. And then I came back to bed.' Mark: 'Yeah, but the important part of what I said was Stay in bed.'

Shauna · Mark:Shauna: 'You know, I wouldn't say romantically involved.' Mark: 'You know, going forward.'

Mark · Tom:Mark: 'Yes, but I'm not gonna do it again. It's over.' Tom: 'So she's available.'

Leslie · Mark:Leslie offers to reinstate Mark: 'Would you like to be reinstated onto our subcommittee?' Mark: 'Absolutely.' Leslie: 'You'll have my answer within the month.'

Mark:There used to be this huge speed bump in the center of town. It was insane. So, I decided I wanted to do something about it, and I got it lowered 2 inches. Apparently, what I can achieve in government can literally be measured.

Mark:This is Beth, my ex-wife Tammy's better-looking sister.

Mark · Beth:My ex-wife Tammy cheated on me. Then we divorced. Then last week, I ran into her sister Beth here. Turns out she hates Tammy, too, so we've started dating. It's like a fairy tale. / Yeah, Tammy stinks.

Tom · Mark · Tom:This is Derek. / Cool. How long have you guys been dating? / We're just friends. / He's like the gayest person I've ever met. But I make out with him when I'm drunk sometimes.

Mark · Tom:You know, if you don't wanna talk to me, you can just say so. / I don't wanna talk to you.

Mark:Apparently, tonight, I'm the Parks Department's seventh wheel.

Mark · Ann:I don't get you and... I mean, it doesn't make any sense to me. I mean, I like Andy a lot. But there's tons of guys out there who have jobs and who respect you and think you're attractive. / Really? / Oh, yeah.

Ann · Mark:You mean guys like you... / No! / For instance? / No, no, no, no, no, not me.

Ann · Mark:Oh. Okay. Good, 'cause, for a second there, I thought you were hitting on me in front of my boyfriend. / No! Not my style. / Even though you did just call him a big, lying baby. And I do find you attractive.

Mark · Ann:But if I were, would you be interested? / No. / Okay. / Let me tell you why, because I'm in a crappy mood...

Mark:You know what? That guy was too young for you. You should be dating guys in their early hundreds. I'm telling you, you should be dating men that Al Roker announces their birthdays.

Mark:Oh, yeah. I made a bump into a smaller bump. It's a great day for America.

Mark · Leslie:Damn it! I was so close there! / Yeah, so... It was pretty close! / So far to the left! So far to the left!

Mark · Leslie:Unbelievable! That's unbelievable! / You missed the entire pit, which is huge, by the way.

Leslie · Mark:Okay, this pit. Give it to me straight. Are we ever gonna turn it into a park? / Leslie, this is already a park! Look, I mean, you got Dirt Slide over here, you got Ring Around The Diaper you could play there, you've got Duck, Duck, Glass you could play right there. Mystery Trash. What's not to love about this park, right here, now?

Mark:I wish we could turn it into a pit, frankly, don't you?

Mark · Leslie:Mark punches Leslie in the arm: 'Just to be clear, that was a friend punch. There was no flirtatious meaning behind that playful punch I just gave your arm.'

Mark:Mark to Leslie: 'Oh, yeah, I hear you made two male penguins very happy today.'

Leslie · Mark:Leslie's reaction to being called an activist: 'No, I didn't stick my neck out. It was an accident.' / 'I'm in the mainstream.' / 'No! Uh-uh.'

Ann · Mark:Mark asks Ann to go see a documentary together; Ann says: 'What? Yeah, no. I don't think so. That would be like a date.'

Mark:After Ann rejects the date idea, Mark says: 'Okay. Say no more.' / Then: 'Mmm. / I hate salad.'

Mark · Ann:Ann joking that she needs another hour to get ready. Mark takes it seriously. Ann: 'You're joking around right now.'

Mark · Ann:Mark's elaborate pretend refusal of Ann's nightcap invite: 'I would like you to now please invite me in for a nightcap. Not a chance. No. Just watch what I'm gonna do. Ask me in for a nightcap. Will you come in for a nightcap? Yes, I will. No, no, damn. Drats, I was gonna plan to not.'

Mark · Ann:Mark spots a man 'breaking into that van' — which is actually Tom trying to get back into the stakeout van.

Mark:Mark and Ann approaching Ann's door: Ann: 'I really don't think you should invite me in. Terrible things happened last time.'

Ann · Mark:Ann: 'You kind of kissed me.' / Mark: 'Yes, I did, and now we both have herpes.'

Mark:Mark explains the mural depicts a famous fight, originally titled 'A Lively Fisting'

Mark:Mark adds 'She's got him by the hair pretty good there' while viewing the mural, as a deadpan coda

Mark:Mark's talking-head confessional: 'I didn't come here to look at the murals. I came to ask her on a date.'

Andy · Mark:Andy has hooked the toilet up to Ann's shower — visual/physical comedy of wrong plumbing

Mark:Mark tells Ann to maybe take 'one Atavin I saw in the medicine cabinet'

Mark:Mark also reveals: 'I also didn't see any toothpaste. Do you not use toothpaste?'

Mark · Ann:Mark suggests they invite Andy inside because 'it's raining outside and he's living in a pit'

Ann · Mark:Ann reveals the secret to her cooking: 'A good chef never reveals her secrets. / It's hot sauce.'

Ann · Mark:Someone is at the government office searching for dirt on co-workers. Outsider: 'My taxes pay your salary, right? Cool.'

Leslie · Mark:There's something I wish I could kaboom. Well, we are. It's just a slow boom. A slower, more deliberate kaboom.

Leslie · Mark:I wanna move like a cheetah. Or a slug driving a remote controlled car. Something more plausible than that, but fast.

Mark · Leslie:Would you break the rules? I won't murder.

Mark:That's good to know.

Mark:You wanna get the pit filled in? Then go rent a bulldozer and fill in the freaking pit.

Mark · Ann:Just one of his conditions for the settlement, I guess. He settled? Gave up $100,000 probably. Just for one thing. The city fill in the pit behind your house. Why? Who knows? Who knows why that gopher does what he does?

Andy · Mark:Andy's excuse for slow business: 'It is definitely due to... the economy.' Mark: 'I've been hearing a lot of people say that a lot, about a lot of stuff.'

Mark · Andy:Mark to Andy: 'I think you're a cool dude too. I like you as well. But I'm still in love with Ann. I couldn't have been more upfront about that.'

Mark:Mark stares at Tom's abstract shapes and has an unexpected emotional reaction, tearing up slightly

Ron · Jerry · Mark:Ron's 'trail survey' cover story, complete with custom-made trail survey hats

Tom · Mark:Tom pantsing Mark, yelling 'I'm the pants king!'

Mark · Leslie:Mark tells Leslie she's 'so pretty you're not used to rejection' when assigning hunting pairs

Ann · Mark:Mark says he hopes Ann is ready for college bowl game talk. Ann replies: 'Bully.'

Tom · Mark:'I did smell something out there, and it wasn't human.' 'That was pine trees.'

Ann · Mark:Ann and Mark killing time doing dramatic readings: 'That man wasn't my brother. He was my husband!'

Ron · Tom · Mark:Ron learns Tom shot him without a hunting license: 'What kind of moron doesn't get a license?'

Mark · Ann:What a coincidence. Are you in this office purely for business reasons? / Pleasure, actually. My boyfriend, Mark, works here.

Mark:What a surprise running into you all day every day every single place that we are.

Andy · Mark:Finally settle that debate about who's the better pool player. / I've never had that debate with anyone.

Mark:That would be $6,400. I accept checks and most major credit cards.

Andy · Mark:So if I win, I also get Ann. / Okay, fine. If you win, then you get Ann.

Andy · Mark · Mark:Take a moment to say good-bye. I don't even know how to say this. I am so sorry, and I will do my best to visit you on holidays. / Thanks. You tried. / I guess you're his now.

Tom · Tom · Mark:You like your wife? That's a bummer. / Anyone knows that you like your wife? Your wife knows that you like your wife? / I didn't know until yesterday. So don't tell anyone. Don't tell Ron.

Mark · Leslie:Mark mentions he's been to Leslie's house before. Leslie: 'You've been here? Right.' Then an awkward beat.

Mark:Mark's talking-head about Justin: 'Last time he told me about snorkeling with whale sharks in Madagascar. That was after I told him I sometimes go swimming at the Y.'

Ron · Mark:Ron's woodshop: no drainage, no ventilation, hazardous chemicals — Ron's defense: 'Yeah, which only I'm breathing. It's the same liberty that gives me the right to fart in my own car.'

Ron · Mark:Mark finds a fire extinguisher that should have been recharged in June 1996. Ron: 'Those dates are arbitrary. They're like those expiration dates the government forces companies to put on yogurt and medicine.'

Mark:Mark counts 28 violations in rapid succession in Ron's woodshop.

Ron · Mark:Ron's talking-head: 'I just want you to know that I still don't think city codes...' Mark: 'Ron, shut up.'

Mark · Ron:Mark shows up at Ron's shop with tools: 'I haven't even started yet.' 'I know. Thought you could use some help.'

Ron · Mark:Ron's talking-head: 'No, I am bringing my workshop up to the Swanson Code. And if the Swanson Code happens to overlap with the City Government Code...' — Mark cuts him off: 'Shut up.'

Ann · Mark:Ann surprises Ben(Mark) with a six-month anniversary gift — a chicken salad sandwich; he produces a Swiss Army watch saying 'Swiss Army watch, mofo'

Mark · Ann:'Are you allowed to kiss me in a hospital room?' / 'Oh, don't worry about it. He's dead.' / 'Oh, my god.' / 'I'm just kidding. He's sleeping.'

Mark:Mark's talking head: 'That guy really seemed dead.'

Leslie · Tom · Mark:Leslie texts the group from someone else's phone pretending to be them — 'She just texted me from your phone and said she left her phone at home and that I should come here immediately, and why did I believe that?'

Leslie · Mark:Leslie suggests the universe guided Tom to come: 'Maybe in your heart you knew it was from me, but you came anyway.' / Mark: 'Nope.'

Tom · Ann · Mark:Tom suggests the couples should 'go on more dates with Tom.' Ann agrees: 'You have, and thank god an opportunity presented itself.'

Tom · Ann · Mark:Tom directing the photo shoot: 'Keep slithering! Keep slithering!'

Tom · Ann · Mark:Tom: 'Ann, can you give me something, anything in the face?' / Mark: 'I'm not doing anything, so...'

Tom · Ann · Mark:Tom: 'Bobby, you can have as many juice boxes as you want... Mark, great job. You can have a juice box too. Ann, take a walk with me.'

Mark · Ben:Mark and Ben have a thoughtful conversation about city gridlock and red tape — then Mark's talking head: 'I have no idea what I was saying.'

Leslie · Mark:Don't you remember when Ahmad Rashad proposed to Mrs. Cosby on TV? / No. / I do. Most women do.

Mark · Barney:What do you think I should do? [Mark asks camera, seeking advice on the proposal] / And that concludes a quick look at QuickBooks Pro.

Leslie · Mark · Ann:So, that's why you pulled your pants down. / Yeah. / Wait, what did I do?

Mark · Ann · Leslie:Mark and Ann both say they 'would totally hit that' regarding the centaur Leslie painting — as a compliment to Leslie