Toms Divorce

Tom:The fourth floor? That's the creepiest place on earth.

Tom:The fourth floor is creepy because there's a popcorn machine that hasn't been emptied since 1987.

Jerry:That's not creepy, that's just gross.

Tom:Plus there's a guy up there who does unlicensed throat replacement surgery.

Jerry:Now that's creepy.

Leslie:I can't go to the zoning meeting. Tom, you have to go instead.

Tom:Why can't you go?

Leslie:Because I don't want to.

Fourth floor stranger:Hey man, you look like you could use some clean urine samples.

Tom:What? No, I'm just trying to find the bathroom.

Fourth floor stranger:Yeah, that's what they all say.

Tom:Everything's great! You know, I've been really focusing on the important things in life. Like my shoe game. I just copped these limited edition sneakers from a boutique in SoHo. They're Italian leather, handcrafted, cost more than my first car. Life is all about the details, you know?

Tom:Look, it's not a big deal. Divorce happens. It's like when... you know, it's basically the same as when Brad Pitt and that one actress were together for like three weeks. Nobody really noticed, nobody really cared.

Leslie:Wait, Sum 41? Is that a math problem? Like, the sum of 41 what?

Leslie:It would have been nice to save your marriage.

Tom:Yeah, well, I tried to fix it myself first. Unplugged it, plugged it back in. Didn't work. Then I called tech support, but they said the warranty had expired.

Leslie:I was doing research on divorce stress, and it turns out marriage is also incredibly stressful. So it's all bad.

Leslie:Tom seems fine, but he's not fine. He's like a bottle of Axe body spray – all aggressive confidence on the outside, but deep down, he's just masking a very sad, very lonely smell.

Leslie Knope:Don't be unsupportive. I'm doing this thing and I need you all behind me. And I mean that literally and figuratively.

Leslie Knope:I don't need any of that negativity. That's just... *puts hands on hips, deepens voice* 'Oh, Leslie, that'll never work. You're crazy. You're a woman and you can't do that.' That's what I'm talking about.

Leslie:Waffles. Breakfast food. Government. No nonsense.

Ann:Oh my God, that's Ron.

Andy:Hey everyone, I need to let you all know that I have a very serious medical condition. I'm gonna need to take frequent bathroom breaks because of my... uh... explosive diarrhea.

Andy:Also, I'm gonna need some privacy because I have a really bad case of hemorrhoids. And I'm gonna be wearing a diaper for the next few weeks.

Andy:Oh, and one more thing - I have a fungal infection that's really, really contagious, so nobody should come near me. Thanks for understanding, everybody!

Ann:Andy, you can't keep showing up at my workplace.

Andy:Why not? I like seeing you.

Ann:Because it's unprofessional. You showed up at my last job, and the one before that.

Andy:So?

Ann:So? Andy, you do this everywhere. Every single place that we are.

Andy:Okay, I'm escalating this. I'm going to order a pizza, but I'm going to request a weird shape.

Andy:Like, not a circle, not a square. Something that's going to require them to consult with the factory.

Andy:I've been very subtle about this whole thing. Very subtle. I mean, nobody suspects me at all.

Andy:I've left no evidence. I've covered my tracks perfectly.

Andy:I basically whispered when I yelled about it, and I wore a fake mustache that I drew on with a Sharpie.

Leslie:So, Tom... / So you had a divorce / Of course of course / And no one enjoys a divorce of course — Leslie's Mr. Ed parody song

Tom:Ron, I just wanted to thank you for that advice. It really helped me out.

Ron:You're welcome.

Tom:Yeah, you're like the Condoleezza Rice of business advice. Ron-doleezza Rice.

Ann:We could watch a documentary about tandem bicycles.

Tom:That sounds unapologetic.

Jerry:A strip club?

Others:No, no, Jerry, we're not going to a strip club.

Jerry:But you said strip club.

Others:We didn't say that.

Jerry:I'm pretty sure you said strip club.

Ron:I recommend Jurassic Fork. It's a steakhouse with dinosaur decorations.

Ron:I eat there four times a week.

Server:How would you like your steak cooked?

Ron:Medium roar.

Server:Medium rare?

Ron:No. Medium roar. This is a dinosaur restaurant, isn't it?

Ron Swanson:I'll have the saurus-aged steak.

Server:I'm sorry, sir, we can't use dinosaur puns. We have a cease and desist from the Jurassic Park people.

Jerry:When we split bills, I always say, 'Hey, don't be a cheap-o-saurus Rex!' But then I actually am a cheap-o-saurus Rex.

Andy:You know what they say - sometimes the best way to get someone to do what you want is to appeal to their sense of self-worth and make them feel like they're making their own decision.

Andy:Wait, did that actually work?

Jerry:Wow, Tom, you've been working out. You're looking really fit.

Tom:Why? What do you know? Did someone say something? Am I a suspect?

Jerry:No, I'm just giving you a compliment.

Tom:Well, that's how it starts. Next thing you know, they're asking about my whereabouts on specific dates.

Jerry:I've been working out. What do you think?

Tom:That's... weird.

April:Tom, you're the least terrible person here. Everyone else is basically garbage.

Donna:Tom, you're like a little puppy dog.

Tom:Oh, thank you, Donna!

Donna:A puppy dog that's learning to use the toilet for the first time.

Tom:Okay...

Donna:And you're so proud of yourself, you run around showing everyone the toilet, and they're like, 'Yes, Tom, you did it!'

Tom:I'm gonna need another round of wings, some loaded nachos, and honestly, just bring the whole dessert menu. I'm going through a really rough time right now.

Tom:You could say my life is... extinct. Like the dinosaurs. Which is sad. But also kind of cool when you think about it.

Leslie:I genuinely cannot fathom why Tom would pretend to be sad. Like, who does that? Who wakes up and thinks, 'You know what would really help my day? Pretending to be depressed so people pay attention to me.' It's insane. It's such an insane thing to do.

Andy:I'm gonna go in there and absolutely destroy these guys at pool. I've got this whole strategy worked out. I'm gonna lean back, look real cool, maybe do some trick shots...

Andy:Actually, Mark's really good at pool.

Tom:Women are always crying. It's like their thing.

Ron:Wendy has a lot of positive qualities. She's intelligent, she's driven, she's got strong bone structure. Her shoulders are very broad—good for childbearing. And her teeth are... adequate.

Andy:You know what? I think I didn't really think this through.

Andy:I'm gonna put up my limited edition Duran Duran t-shirt from 1986.

April:That's not worth anything.

Andy:Not worth anything? I got this shirt at a Duran Duran concert. I was there with my dad. He got drunk and fell into the mosh pit. Security had to fish him out. He threw up on my shoes. I had to walk around the rest of the concert barefoot. I stepped on a broken bottle and had to get seven stitches. Then Duran Duran came out for the encore, and Simon Le Bon looked right at me, and I swear he winked. So this shirt represents one of the most important nights of my life.

April:Still not worth anything.

Andy:Okay, okay, okay. Let's make this fair. What if we both put something on the line?

Mark:Alright, I'm in. What do you want to bet?

Andy:I'll put up my dirt bike.

Mark:I'll put up my girlfriend.

Leslie:Tom, I will give you a raise.

Tom:Really?

Leslie:I will also give you a company car.

Tom:Wow!

Leslie:And a goose heart.

Tom:What?

Leslie:A fresh goose heart. Every morning.

Tom:I'm a club promoter.

Leslie:You mean an aspiring club promoter?

Tom:I was, until you made me say it.

Leslie:Tom's sadness is just pouring out of him. It's like a brachiosaurus that's been shot with a tranquilizer dart and is slowly collapsing to the ground. And we're all just standing there watching it happen, hoping someone calls a veterinarian.

Leslie:Which is why we should all go to Jurassic Fork.

Tom:I can't go to the strip club. Donna found out I used her good microwave to heat up some wings, and now she won't talk to me.

Leslie:I'm a feminist. I believe in equal pay, reproductive rights, and the right to choose. So if I were a stripper, my name would be Equality.

Ann:This is actually a fascinating study in objectification and the male gaze. I'm here in a purely observational capacity, documenting the sociological implications of—oh my God, is that a dollar bill in her—I mean, the commodification of the human form is really quite remarkable when you think about it from a feminist perspective.

Jerry:You know, it's interesting. At a nice restaurant, the waiter brings you water without asking. Here, the dancer won't even make eye contact.

Jerry:I guess that's the difference between full service and, uh... selective service.

Tom:I'm hiding dollar bills in places so exotic, the Secret Service is gonna think I'm running a money laundering operation.

Ron:The floors are sticky, the air smells like desperation and well liquor, and I'm fairly certain that rash is contagious.

Ron:On the bright side, the free appetizers are below room temperature, which slows bacterial growth.

Ron:I want a woman who can open her own jars. That's all I'm asking for. I don't need her to talk to me. I don't need her to laugh at my jokes. But she better be able to open a jar.

Ron:I'm thinking Serena Williams. Venus Williams. Maybe a young Steffi Graf.

Ron:That was the worst acting I've ever seen. You looked like a child trying to cry at a movie.

Ron:Anyway, I'm starving. What's for breakfast?

Ron:Tom, you need to dial back the fake sadness. You're overacting.

Tom:What? I'm not overacting.

Ron:You look like Leonardo DiCaprio in every movie he's ever been in.

Andy:Wait, I won? I thought I was playing pool!

Andy:Did I do that thing where you hit the white ball and then... no, that doesn't sound right.

Andy:Is 'sinking the eight ball' good or bad? Because I feel like I just got really lucky by accident.

Andy:You know what? I'm just gonna pretend I knew what I was doing the whole time.

Andy:Wait, so I own Ann now, right? Like, legally?

Tom:That's not how this works, man.

Andy:But you said if I won the pool bet, Ann would be mine.

Ann:I'm not a prize, Andy.

Andy:I know, I know. But why doesn't it feel real then? I have the receipt.

Leslie:Wait, your name is Secretariat?

Sierra:No, it's Sierra.

Leslie:Oh my God, I thought you said Secretariat, like the famous racehorse!

Leslie:Okay, so I need you to take off your clothes, but I want you to know that I respect you as a woman and as a professional. You have agency, you have rights, and your body is a temple. Now, can you angle yourself slightly to the left? The light is better over there.

Leslie:Okay, Seabiscuit, you can go.

Tom:I had a stripper as my emergency contact for like three years. I thought it was genius because she was always available, she was flexible with her schedule, and she knew how to handle money.

Leslie:I know exactly how you feel. When Planet Earth ended, I was devastated for weeks. I couldn't eat, I couldn't sleep. I just kept thinking, 'What am I supposed to do now? I've seen all the penguins.'

Leslie:Ron, how could you ask out Wendy? She's terrible! She's mean, she's dismissive, she makes fun of people for no reason.

Ron:Leslie, I don't see what the problem is.

Leslie:The problem is she's awful! And you're... you're wonderful. And now I have to watch you with her, and it's going to be torture. I'm going to have to see you two together, and I'm going to lose my mind. I'm going to start screaming at work. They're going to have to remove me from the building. I'll lose my job. I won't be able to pay my rent. I'll end up living in my car. And then my car will break down, and I'll be living on the street. And then I'll get sick from living on the street, and I'll die alone and cold and afraid, and I'll wish I was never born.

Leslie:Ron, can you carry him?

Ron:He weighs as much as a bale of hay.

Leslie:Just lift with your legs, not your back.

Tom:I'm like a beautiful, tiny man.

Leslie:Wendy, I have concerns about the men coming over to your house at all hours. It's inappropriate and frankly, it makes you look like a trollop!

Wendy:A trollop? Did you just call me a trollop?

Leslie:Yes! A trollop! A woman of loose morals! A strumpet! A harlot of the night!

Leslie:Ron, Wendy, I have an idea for a new club. It's called 'The Betrayers,' and it's a support group for people who've been betrayed by someone they trusted. You two should definitely be charter members.

Tom:I feel like I'm dying. My head is pounding, my mouth tastes like a tire fire, and I'm pretty sure my liver filed for divorce.

Tom:But I found the cure. It's called a Tommy Fresh Detox Smoothie. It's got activated charcoal, wheatgrass, and a little bit of that fancy mineral water from that place in Iceland.

Tom:One sip and I'll be—

Tom:*vomits immediately*

Tom:Actually, you know what? It worked.

Leslie:Wait, you're not even actually Canadian?

Tom:No, I'm from Canada. Technically I was born in Toronto.

Leslie:What? But you grew up in Pawnee.

Tom:Yeah, my parents moved here when I was three months old. I've been a citizen since I was five.

Ann:Please don't say 'psych' anymore. It's really annoying.

Andy:Okay, I won't say it anymore. Psych!

Andy:Wait, I'm sorry. I appreciate that you remembered that that's my thing.

Andy:Bye, Ann. You're the best. Bye, Pancakes.

Andy:Wait, you like Wendy? Like, romantically?

Tom:Yes.

Andy:Wendy? Our Wendy?

Tom:Yes.

Andy:The woman?

Tom:Yes, Andy, the woman.

Andy:With the... face?

Tom:I still have glitter on me. It's like I'm a disco ball.

Tom:Stripper dancing action. (stage direction read aloud / confessional describing the visual)

Tom · Leslie · Tom · Leslie:I don't want to do this. / Is it because you have a strong, positive, female figure watching you? / No, it's because I'm miserable. / Never mind. Thank you, Seabiscuit. That'll be all.

Leslie:Never mind. Thank you, Seabiscuit. That'll be all.

Tom:I've been to the Glitter Factory a million times. That girl up there, she's my emergency contact. But right now, I hate it here. And I just want to see Wendy.

Leslie:It's perfectly normal to feel devastated when something's over. It's exactly how I felt when that Planet Earth series ended.

Leslie · Tom · Leslie:60 days! And then she's free to marry Ron Swanson. / What? Ron? / He's gonna ask her out. He told me.

Leslie · Ron:What is wrong with you? I wish I wasn't alive to hear myself say this, but I am ashamed to be your deputy.

Leslie:I don't get men. If they're not wagering their girlfriends in pool, then they're trying to steal each other's wives. It makes you question the whole notion of those bromance movies.

Leslie:I don't get men. If they're not wagering their girlfriends in pool, then they're trying to steal each other's wives. It makes you question the whole notion of those bromance movies.

Leslie · Ron:Could you carry him out of here? And, you know, also maybe not have sex with his wife? Thanks. / From the knees. He weighs eight pounds.

Leslie · Wendy:My God. You insensitive little hussy. Excuse me? / Halt.

Leslie · Wendy's Guest · Wendy · Wendy · Guest · Wendy:You're not divorced yet and you're inviting other men over? / You're married? / Technically, yeah. / That's my husband. / Who's he carrying? / No. That's his boss. My husband's the one that's being carried. By his boss.

Leslie:You know what? You and Ron will be perfect for each other. You should get married and start a club for people who betray Tom Haverford.

Ron:You have a lovely home. (Ron, to Wendy, while carrying the unconscious Tom)

Tom:You know those hangover pills you can order on TV? I threw up a bunch of them this morning and feel much better.

Leslie · Tom:My God, because you're Libyan. / No, damn it. Wendy's from Canada.

Ann · Andy:I hope I'm not gonna have to explain to you that you don't own me. / Of course not. I never for one second thought that that was for real.

Ann · Andy:If you say 'psych', I'm gonna be really pissed. / You remembered how much I like to say 'psych'.

Ann · Andy:If you say 'psych', I'm gonna be really pissed. / You remembered how much I like to say 'psych'.

Ann · Andy:I thought for a second you were gonna chase after me, but you didn't. / I meant every word I said.

Tom · Tom · Mark:You like your wife? That's a bummer. / Anyone knows that you like your wife? Your wife knows that you like your wife? / I didn't know until yesterday. So don't tell anyone. Don't tell Ron.

Leslie:How could there possibly still be glitter on me? Takes forever to get off. My crotch looks like a disco ball.

Leslie:Sorry she called you selfish of course / She just didn't know the full story of course / But now that she does she's sorry of course / She loves being your deputy — The Mr. Ed parody reprise