The Banquet

Leslie:You know, the pioneers used every part of the buffalo. Nothing went to waste. They used the horns for tools, the hide for shelter, the meat for food. It was very efficient.

Leslie:Well, apparently the Native Americans had the same philosophy about pioneers.

Leslie:Tony Tellenson is a great man. Actually, no. Tony Tellenson is being kept alive by a series of tubes and machines that nature would have shut down a long time ago.

Leslie:The Knopes are like the Kennedys, except instead of sailing and doing important things, we just drink and argue about local zoning issues.

Leslie:I'm sorry, that was mean. My family's great.

Ron:I gave Marlene a nickname. It's one of my proudest accomplishments.

Ron:They call me the Iron F***ing Lady of Pawnee.

Leslie:Why are speeches so important? Because words matter. They inspire us, they move us, they change the course of history.

Leslie:Take the Gettysburg Address. Four score and seven years ago—

Ron:Leslie, what are you doing?

Leslie:I'm reciting the Gettysburg Address. You asked about important speeches.

Ron:No, I didn't. And please stop.

Leslie:Donna, can you read back what I just dictated?

Donna:Sure. 'I love bacon and eggs and the smell of fresh cut grass and my husband Ben and implementing progressive policies that benefit the entire community.'

Leslie:That's... actually perfect. Read it back again.

Leslie Knope · unnamed assistant:Leslie rehearses an intro line, and her assistant reads it back as: "I was learning disabled, and my mom cast a very long shadow."

Mark:You need to sound humble. Like Lincoln said, 'Four score and seven beers ago, our forefathers were like, totally wasted.'

Mark:How about: 'Leslie is a visionary leader with the organizational skills of a well-oiled machine.'

Leslie:That's good.

Mark:Or: 'Leslie has the work ethic of someone with no social life and an unhealthy relationship with her job.'

Leslie:Mark, no.

Mark:What about: 'Leslie is attractive for a woman her age, and her ambition is almost masculine.'

Leslie:Oh my God.

Mark:'She has great birthing hips and excellent teeth for someone without dental insurance.'

Leslie:Mark!

Leslie:Mark, these suggestions are completely inappropriate for a government speech.

Mark:Okay, okay. What if I bump it up to $500,000?

Leslie:That's not... Mark, that's not the issue here.

Mark:A million? I can do a million.

Andy:Why don't you ever dress up for me?

Ann:I do dress up for you.

Andy:No you don't. You always wear the same thing.

Ann:That's not true. And besides, our social life is just sitting on the couch.

Ann:I'm so excited for tonight. It's going to be magical.

Andy:Yeah, about that. I forgot to pick up my dry cleaning, so we're gonna have to go there first. And then I'm pretty sure my car needs an oil change, so we should probably stop at Jiffy Lube. And I'm hungry, so maybe we hit up Applebee's?

Leslie:This banquet is like the Olympics, the Super Bowl, and the moon landing all rolled into one. It's basically the most important event in human history.

Leslie:Larry Bird was famously not known for good hair.

Leslie:So what's the inside scoop? You must hear all the secrets in here.

Salvatore:People mostly just ask me about their hairline and whether bangs would look good on them.

Salvatore:Yes.

Leslie:What do you call this style?

Barber:The Strategist.

Leslie:Perfect. I'll take it.

Leslie:I'm already planning to wear it when I become mayor.

Frank Schnable:Well, well, well. I didn't know the Parks Department was so progressive. You two ladies here together?

Leslie Knope:Oh, no, we're just friends. I'm Leslie Knope and this is Ann Perkins.

Frank Schnable:Sure, sure. That's what they all say. No judgment here. I'm very supportive of alternative lifestyles.

Ann Perkins:We're actually not... we're both straight.

Frank Schnable:Honey, you're at a formal event with another woman and you're both wearing pantsuits. I invented the playbook you're running.

Leslie:Whoa, whoa, whoa. No, Frank, we're not together. We work together. I mean, I guess technically I'm his boss, but that's not—we're just colleagues.

Leslie:You know what? I'm just gonna go. I'm gonna go check on some permits. Very important permits that need checking.

Ron:I attend these things because the government provides certain foods that I've ranked on a complex system. Fish and chips rates a seven. Prime rib, a nine. And if they're serving both, I have to go, regardless of how much I despise the event.

Ron:I would honor contemporary villains for the right food.

Ron:I wasn't offering it to you. I was just announcing it to the room.

Ron:It looks like a military man's haircut.

Leslie:The living Tellenson Award winners are: Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor, NFL Hall of Famer Joe Montana, and Tom's left elbow.

Leslie:I love political dynasties. The Kennedys, the Bushes, the Clintons... dynasties are great! They're like royal families, but American. And their sons are usually... disappointing.

Leslie:Oh my God, look at all these important people! The mayor, the city manager, the police chief... You know how I measure importance? By how much news coverage you'd get if you were killed in a terrorist attack. These people would get at least a full news cycle. Maybe even pre-empt Wheel of Fortune.

Leslie:Okay, I'm going to approach Janine Restrepo and I'm going to be very careful and very sensitive.

Leslie:First thing I'll do is bring up the fact that she's a woman.

Tom:I am Lord Voldemort, and I have come to destroy this town!

Marlene:Tom, that's not... we're supposed to be doing a trust exercise.

Tom:Your trust is no match for my dark magic, Marlene. I will turn this entire Parks Department into my personal army of the undead!

Marlene:Okay, I'm ending this role-play.

Tom:NOOOOO! My reign of terror has only just begun!

Leslie:What are we doing? Why are we doing this?

Mark:We're just... we're exploring different aspects of our relationship. You know, keeping things fresh. It's healthy.

Leslie:Mark, you're dressed as a medieval peasant and I'm supposed to be a tax collector from the future.

Mark:Exactly. It's creative. It's fun. Most couples don't have the imagination we do.

Marlene:Oh Leslie, it's very... practical. You look like you could change a tire.

Ann:I'm not a lesbian! I mean, not that there's anything wrong with that. I just... I like men. I like their... things.

Leslie:I wrote a speech.

Leslie:It's only 27 pages long.

Leslie:Well, 30 if you count the musical number I added.

Leslie:Actually, no musical number. Forget I said that.

Leslie:Butter her up? Say no more.

Leslie:Janine, you look absolutely radiant today. Is that a new blouse? Because it's really bringing out the color in your eyes. Also, I brought you a stick of butter. It's from a local creamery. Very high quality.

Leslie:There's a difference between a 'mom' and a 'mother.' A mom is your biological parent. A mother is someone who loves you unconditionally, who would do anything for you, who believes in you even when you don't believe in yourself.

Leslie:We're the Knopes. Yeah, I know what you're thinking — political dynasty.

Leslie:Janine Restrepo, you are an inspiration. You've shown us all what's possible when you dedicate yourself to your community. And everyone else... you're fine too, I guess.

Leslie:I love my mom.

Leslie:I also love Janine.

Janine:We just met.

Leslie:I know!

Ann:Oh great, I'll just stand here and look pretty. That's what I'm good at, right? Being ignored while Leslie schmoozes with everyone in the room.

Ann:You know what? I'm embracing it. I'm going full trophy wife. Someone get me a drink with an umbrella in it.

Tom:Marlene is a wonderful woman. She's smart, she's sophisticated, she's beautiful. And I may have had some... romantic fantasies about her.

Ann:Hello? Andy, hi. No, I'm at a formal banquet right now.

Ann:What? No, I can't get you a sandwich.

Ann:Andy, I'm literally at a black-tie event.

Ann:Okay, okay, fine. What do you want?

Ann:Uh-huh. Turkey, bacon, and... peanut butter? Andy, that's disgusting.

Ann:And you want that on wheat? With mayo? That's even worse.

Ann:Yes, I'll get it for you. I have to go.

Tom:Marlene is sexy. And I'm not just saying that because she's a government official in a position of power. I'm saying it because... okay, I'm definitely saying it because of that. Actually, you know what? All older government officials are sexy. That guy over there? Sexy. That one? Sexy.

Ron:Marlene has served in government for 47 years. That's longer than most wood varnishes last. In fact, I've applied varnish to a canoe I built in 1987, and it's held up better than most politicians' integrity. But not Marlene. Marlene is like a varnish that actually improved with age.

Ron Swanson:And that, my friends, is why I have no friends.

Tom:Leave later? Mark, it's 9:47 PM. If we don't go now, we'll miss happy hour. There will literally be no one at the bar. It'll just be us and some old guys talking about fishing.

Mark:So?

Tom:So? So that's depressing, man. I didn't move back to Pawnee to talk about fishing with old guys. I moved back to Pawnee to talk about fishing with my friends.

Tom:Come on, Mark. Let's go hit on some women.

Mark:No thanks. I'm going to stay here with Ann.

Mark:I'm going to go hit on some women.

Ann:Hit on them? Mark, you can't just go around hitting on women like that.

Leslie:I did it! I got Janine to agree to the community service project!

Marlene:That's great, but did you notice she's been wearing the same outfit for three weeks?

Leslie Knope · Ann Perkins:Leslie snaps at Ann: 'You just do everything your boyfriend tells you to do? Make any pancakes lately?' Ann: 'He has two broken legs.' Leslie: 'Yeah. And he's got three crutches. And one of them is you. And the other two are crutches.'

Leslie Knope:I want to win a Tellenson Award someday.

Marlene:Well, you should know that all the previous winners have been convicted of various crimes.

Marlene:The award's namesake tried to bring back segregation.

Leslie:She's been drinking and driving. Weeeee! Crash! Honk honk! Screeeech!

Leslie:Ann, you're a nurse, you know about medical stuff. How hard is it to become a doctor?

Ann:Um, it takes eight years of school after high school, thousands of dollars in debt, and countless hours of studying.

Leslie:So basically you just need to be smart and rich?

Leslie:You just take advice from everyone! Like when you made those pancakes for Andy.

Ann:That was one time!

Leslie:It was a bad time, Ann.

Leslie:Ann, you're being such a crutch right now.

Ann:What?

Leslie:I mean... you're like a crutch. For Andy. Because he has broken legs. So you're helping him walk. Which is what a crutch does. You're literally a crutch.

Leslie Knope · Janine Restrepo:Leslie's blackmail attempt on Restrepo is stilted and fumbling: 'I know about things... Drive much? Your husband. Does he...drive much...out of state?'

Ann:I have to leave the banquet early.

Andy:Wait, where are you going?

Ann:I'm sorry, I just can't stay.

Andy:Okay, well, can you pick me up some pepperoni pizza, maybe some mozzarella sticks, oh! and a bag of those pizza-flavored Combos?

Ann:Andy, I'm leaving because of an emergency.

Andy:Right, right. So pizza, mozzarella sticks, Combos. Got it.

Tom:Mark and I, we're like a team. He's the brains, I'm the... I'm also the brains. But I'm the brains that doesn't know he's the brains. It's a different kind of brains.

Mark:What's with the hat?

Tom:This is a peacocking device. I'm using it to attract women by standing out from other males in the area.

Mark:That's... that's pick-up artist stuff.

Tom:Yes. I've been reading about it online. It's very effective. I also have a set of negs prepared.

Mark:Negs?

Tom:Subtle insults designed to lower a woman's self-esteem so she'll try harder to impress me. For example: 'That's a nice dress. It must be comfortable.'

Tony Tellenson:I want you all to know that I'm very grateful for everything you've done for me.

Master of Ceremonies:Tony says he's grateful for everything we've done. He's also making a gesture... I think he's asking us to build a statue of him. We'll make a note of that.

Master of Ceremonies:Now he's doing another movement with his hand. He wants... he wants us to declare a national holiday in his honor.

Leslie:So... hypothetically... if someone were to know about a certain... situation... they might want to keep that between friends, right?

Leslie:I'm talking about when you dated that guy who turned out to be married! Ben told me!

Mark:Do you have any interesting real estate stories?

Stacy:Oh, well one time I sold a house, and the buyers wanted to close on a Tuesday instead of a Wednesday.

Stacy:It was really something.

Tom:That's beautiful. That's a beautiful moment you two are sharing right now. A real human connection. I'm getting emotional.

Tom:Mark, you gotta help me out here. You're like, naturally good with women.

Mark:I'm really not.

Tom:Come on, man. You sleep with so many women. It's like you've built a personal infrastructure of conquest. You're basically a city planner, except instead of roads and bridges, you're laying pipe... in women.

Ann:You were right. About Andy. He is too dependent on me.

Leslie:I know I was right. But I'm glad you're finally seeing it.

Ann:Yeah, well... don't be smug about it.

Leslie:Too late. I'm already being smug.

Andy:Hey man, what's up?

Leslie:Andy, it's me. Leslie.

Andy:Oh my God, I'm so sorry! I didn't recognize you with the... the hair thing.