The Banquet

They cut his face off. And they made it into a dream catcher. And they made his legs into rain sticks. And that's the great thing about Indians back then--is they used every part of the pioneer.

Sorry, is a great man. I, for one, am glad that they're keeping him alive.

Like the Kennedys or the Bushes. Minus the drinking problem. I mean no disrespect.

In 1994, I gave her a nickname. It's unrepeatable, but it stuck. It's my proudest accomplishment.

It's the Iron [bleep] of Pawnee.

Oh, it didn't answer your call? Maybe because it was in the Smithsonian.

I was learning disabled, and my mom cast a very long shadow.

Marlene Griggs-Knope is morbidly obese.

Abraham Lincoln, when he started his speeches, he would come up and say, 'My name's Abraham Lincoln. I'm the President of the United States. But I'm gonna be honest with you. I have no clue what I'm doing.'

Marlene Griggs-Knope is definitely not a whore. Marlene Griggs-Knope has not five, but seven Asian friends. Marlene Griggs-Knope has never solicited a male prostitute. Marlene Griggs-Knope has said the 'N' word only four times in her entire life.

She said it more than that?

Well, 'cause I would feel a little silly putting on a nice dress to go to the couch.

Babe, I'm out of milk.

The Tellensons is like the Oscars times the Grammys plus the Super Bowl.

He's the guy that made Larry Bird look the way he does.

My feet hurt.

What the hell else would you call it?

Salvatore calls this hairdo 'The Mayor.'

And yes, I will wear my hair like this when I am the first female mayor of Pawnee.

I just wanted to tell you that I think that what you two are doing is so brave. And just being who you are-- I wish I had your courage.

Okay, let's go.

I enjoy government functions like I enjoy getting kicked in the nuggets with a steel-toe boot. But this hotel always serves bacon-wrapped shrimp. That's my number one favorite food wrapped around my number three favorite food.

I'd go to a banquet and honor those Somali pirates if they served bacon-wrapped shrimp.

I wasn't offering.

It's just like my brother's. He's an officer in the Air Force.

I don't know who that is, that's somebody's wife.

Wait, Oscar Pfortmiller's dead. That's his disappointing son, Theo. Another dynasty.

If a bomb went off in here, it would definitely make the Indianapolis papers.

Maybe I should mention her massive weight loss.

Oh, my God, really? Well, I'm Marlene Griggs-Knope and I will destroy you all. [laughter]

It's fun to pretend to be zoning board members.

Salvatore usually does men.

Yeah, friend. She's--we're friends. Just friends. I have a boyfriend. He's a man.

Yes, and it's 22 minutes long. With the song. I could cut the song. The song's cut.

I'll make her feel like a human dinner roll.

Marlene Griggs-Knope is my mom. But she's so much more than that. She's also... my mother.

And if you weren't thinking it, you probably already said it. Political dynasty.

And others.

I love you too, Janine.

This is my evening. I'm Leslie's trophy wife.

And if five years ago you told me I was gonna be in this ballroom with Marlene Griggs-Knope, I would have guessed we were getting married.

Andy, I can't leave now. I'll get one for you on the way home. Okay, meatball and ham. Wait, is that two different subs? Really? I don't think they can do that.

Now, the words 'too sexy' aren't really in my vocabulary. But Marlene, girl, you are too sexy.

Marlene is a woman. She has worked in the government for three decades. 30 years. Properly applied, that's how long a good varnish should last.

So Marlene, it is true that you have won this award.

It's 9:30 on a Friday night in Pawnee. There's not gonna be a later, Mark. Come on, now.

Look, I would love to come hit on chicks with you guys, but, uh, she seems kind of engaged in something and I--I think I should probably stay.

You hit on chicks, for real?

Did she say call her or call her secretary?

Didn't want to have to use this, but her husband got a D.U.I. in Illinois last week. And she's trying to keep it quiet.

Sweetheart, they only give lifetime achievement awards to people who do things like that. Those are eight of the nastiest, most diabolical people you could ever wanna meet.

Tony Tellenson was the worst. He tried to re-segregate the drinking fountains.

She has a husband who likes to vroom and glug glug glug glug glug.

Look, nursing is easy. Yeah. You just go to work and people come in and you heal them.

Make any pancakes lately?

Yeah. And he's got three crutches. And one of them is you. And the other two are crutches.

It's okay. You're allowed to fight. You two are just like everyone else.

Cool Ranch, got it. Anything else?

He's handsome, I'm a cutie pie, he's laid back, I'm more in your face, but in a fun way. Ladies don't stand a chance.

It's called peacocking. Basically, I'm wearing something that kind of makes me stand out, like a peacock. So girls'll be like, 'Hey, what's with that hat?'

Thank you, Tony, for those inspiring twitches and blinks.

I know that your husband is a drunk driver. My mom told me.

One time I forgot my keys to one of the houses.

Look at these guys-- the key-forgetting twins!

If there was a Tellenson Award for hooking up with trashy chicks all the time, you'd have several of those awards. You're the king. You're my hero.

There was definitely some truth about that thing you said about me and Andy.

Oh. Hi, Leslie. I thought you were a dude.

He lives in Florida. In a cemetery.

Fondly.

The fact that I haven't even gotten close to cheating on her is a disappointment to both of us.