Boys Club

Tom:No way. You're making that up. Teenagers don't have dog poop fights.

Tom:Oh my God, they're doing it. They're actually doing it.

Tom:Nope, nope, nope. I'm out of here.

Leslie:Okay, everyone stop! This is not productive! We need to have a calm, rational discussion about—

Leslie:Oh my God, this is amazing!

Leslie:And if someone found out I was watching porn, they'd use it against me. Like, 'Leslie Knope watches porn!' And I'd have to explain, 'Well, yes, but only ethical, feminist porn where the women are respected and fairly compensated.' And they'd be like, 'She watches porn!' And I'd be like, 'Yes, but—' And they'd already left.

Leslie:I rented it from Blockbuster like five times. I wore out the DVD.

Leslie:Oh my God, why did I just tell you that?

Tom:I would never exploit my government position. That's not who I am. I'm like Superman - I have all this power, but I use it for good.

Tom:Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to use the Parks Department's printing equipment to make business cards for my entertainment company.

Leslie:Wow, Mark really knows how to pick them. Look at all these beautiful women.

Ann:Yeah, they're all exactly the same type.

Leslie:I know. It's like he has a very specific genetic preference, like he's only attracted to women with identical fake breasts.

Ann:That's not genetic, Leslie.

Leslie:Well, maybe his great-grandfather was attacked by a woman with real breasts and now it's passed down through the family.

Tom Haverford:'You are so pure, you're like a brown Superman with a beard that just stands for justice and truth and the American way.'

Leslie:Okay, Mark, I have to ask you about this. Your favorite movie is 'Battlefield Earth'?

Mark:Yeah, so?

Leslie:So? Mark, that's one of the worst movies ever made. It's scientifically worse than murder.

Mark:I like it.

Leslie:Well, I'm going to have to reject you based on this alone.

Leslie:I feel like I'm being watched by all these portraits of dead white men. It's like their eyes are following me everywhere I go.

Leslie:Actually, that one's definitely looking at my chest.

Ron:My wife bought me a shirt. She said it makes me look thinner.

Ron:I don't need to look thinner. I need to look exactly like this.

Ann:I could use a beer.

Leslie:Ann! A woman, drinking a beer? That's so brave. You're like the Rosa Parks of having a drink that isn't a cosmopolitan.

Leslie:April, I'm putting you in charge of this project.

April:Okay.

Leslie:Because you're a strong, independent woman who doesn't need a man to tell you what to do. Girl power!

April:I'm in charge because I'm competent, not because of my gender.

Leslie:Right, yes, of course. But also, you're a woman doing it, so that's amazing.

Leslie:We're here to join your club.

Ron:This isn't a club. We just drink beer and talk.

Leslie:Exactly. A club. With initiation ceremonies, secret handshakes, and a strict code of conduct that binds us together in eternal brotherhood.

Tom:There's no code of conduct.

Leslie:Not yet.

Leslie Knope · Brian:Leslie storms up to bust up the 'boys' club' — it turns out to be two guys casually drinking beers in a courtyard. 'Awesome. Glad to have you. Let me get you a beer.'

Ann:Mark has this friend on Facebook who spells 'lose' as 'loose' and 'your' as 'you're' in every single post.

Ann:The double misspelling makes it even more ridiculous.

Leslie:Okay, okay, okay. Mark, that was weak. You're going to have to do better than that. Here, let me show you how it's done.

Leslie:You see, a good comeback needs structure, timing, and confidence. You just sort of... mumbled something about her being... I don't even know what you were going for.

Leslie:Let's try again. Ann says something mean, and you respond with something that's clever, but not mean-spirited. It's about the delivery.

Leslie:Come on, Mark. I know you can do better. I believe in you.

April:Hey, it's April. Yeah, I need you to do something for me. No, I'm not asking. If you don't, I'm going to come to your house and bedazzle all your jeans. Every single pair. With a hot glue gun.

Mark:A party without beer is just people standing in a room. Which is what we were doing at the DMV yesterday.

Leslie:I may have opened the gift basket from the Sweetums people before I was supposed to. And I feel terrible about it. Like, genuinely terrible. I mean, I know it's just a gift basket, but I violated the sacred trust between a public servant and a corporation that's trying to influence her decisions. I'm a horrible person. I'm corrupt. I'm basically a supervillain now.

Leslie:I've decided to apologize to every female politician in America. Alphabetically. It's the only way to be fair and thorough.

Ben:Leslie, that's... that's thousands of people.

Leslie:I'm aware, Ben. I've already started. I'm on my third letter. 'Dear Congresswoman Abernathy, I'm sorry for not believing in you hard enough. Your hair looked nice in that one photo from 2003.'

Ben:You're apologizing to them about their hair?

Leslie:I'm being personal. That's what makes it meaningful. 'Dear Senator Caldwell, I regret every negative thought I've ever had about your voting record. Also, your shoes are really professional.'

Andy:Ann is amazing. She's smart, she's beautiful, she's got a great sense of humor. Honestly, I would say that she's one of the hardest working people I know.

Andy:Hard... workers.

Andy:I'm gonna clean this house for Ann. You know what? I'm gonna do it right now.

Andy:Actually, you know what would make this easier? If I do some cocaine.

Tom:Wait, wait, wait. You're breaking the rules? You? Leslie Knope is breaking the rules? I feel like I'm in the Twilight Zone right now.

Tom:This is my thing! I break the rules, you follow them perfectly, and you judge me for it. That's our whole dynamic!

Tom:You wrote me up for calling my mom during work hours.

Leslie:You were using government time for personal calls.

Tom:Leslie, my mom was in the hospital. She had emergency surgery.

Leslie:Well, you should have requested time off like everyone else.

Tom:My mother was dying!

Leslie:Dying or not, there are procedures. I don't make the rules.

Tom:You literally do make the rules. You're the deputy director.

Leslie:Exactly. And as deputy director, I have to set an example.

Leslie:April, I really need your support on this.

April:Have you considered prison? It might give you time to think about what you've done.

Leslie:This isn't a big deal for Mark. He's used to not having privileges. I mean, look at him. He dresses like a 1970s pornographer. And we're not even going to talk about that mustache. Actually, we are going to talk about that mustache. We're going to include the mustache as a privilege category.

Leslie Knope:You know, the cover-up is always worse than the crime. It's like when you get mud on your white pants, and then you try to clean it with more mud. Now you're double dirty.

Andy:I'm a nester. I like to build a comfortable home for myself.

Andy:It's just that my nest happens to look like a tornado hit a dumpster.

Andy:I'm gonna get drunk tonight, but like, as a scientist. I'm gonna document everything. How many beers until I can't feel my face? How many until I start crying? How many until I try to fight someone? It's research.

April:I posted it because I looked really good in that video. My hair was perfect. I don't care about the scandal or the consequences — I just wanted people to see how shiny it was.

Leslie:I can't believe this is happening. My career is over. Everything I've worked for is gone.

Ron:You're going to be fine, Leslie.

Leslie:How can you say that? Did you see what they're saying about me online?

Ron:I don't go online. It's a cesspool.

Leslie:Well, I'm in the cesspool, Ron. I'm drowning in it.

Ron:Sit down.

Leslie:I'm trying, but your bench is incredibly uncomfortable. Why is it so hard?

Ron:It's walnut. I like it.

Leslie:Of course you do.

Leslie:I have zero drinks per week.

Tom:That's not true. I've seen you drink at least three margaritas a week.

Tom:I have a question for you. In all the years you've known me, have you ever known me to be a liar?

Leslie:No, Tom, you're one of the most honest people I know.

Tom:Okay, so when I tell you that I definitely have a six-pack under this shirt, you believe me?

Leslie:Wait, no. No, that's not true. You're a liar.

Tom:So like, what if we were both in a hot air balloon, but it was filled with chocolate pudding instead of air, and we had to use our bodies to propel it upward?

Tom:Or what if you were a sentient piece of sushi and I was a very polite diner, but also a merman?

Tom:Wait, what if we were both clouds, but sexy clouds, and we could only communicate through interpretive dance and the smell of burnt toast?

Andy:I can't shower with these casts on, so I've been using this dog-washing method on myself.

April:That's disgusting.

Andy:I know, but it works! I just stand in the backyard with the hose.

Andy:Wait, wait, wait. You stole my boom box? That's not cool, man.

Neighbor:Yeah, I did. What are you gonna do about it?

Andy:Well, first of all, those are some really expensive batteries in there. Do you have any idea how much I spent on those? You better be taking good care of them.

Ron:This is a witch hunt. A witch hunt of the highest order. You're treating Leslie Knope like she's a terrorist, when all she did was throw a small party in a public park.

Ron:You know what this reminds me of? The Spanish Inquisition. Pure persecution.

Ron:Actually, this is worse than the Spanish Inquisition. This is the Salem witch trials combined with the Holocaust.

Ron:No, wait. This is worse than all of human history combined. Future generations will look back on this moment as the darkest day in the history of mankind.

Ron:I don't defend Leslie because I like her. I defend her because I hate bureaucracy. My ideal government is a dystopian sexual fantasy.

Leslie:I did everything to impress Mark. I got my hair cut, I wore heels, I even learned about sports. I watched the entire 2004 World Series.

Mark:That was eight years ago.

Leslie:I know.

Ann:I'm not one to judge Leslie's dating choices, but at least Mark has a job. Andy once thought a stop sign was a suggestion.

Ann:What happened to your scratches?

Andy:A jagweed attacked me.

Ann:What's a jagweed?

Andy:It's like a regular weed, but it's a jag.

Andy:I cleaned the whole house. I'm thinking tonight we're gonna have some amazing sex.

Ann:Oh my God, Andy!

Leslie:Mark, I'm worried about that letter in my file. It could ruin everything.

Mark:Leslie, everyone breaks rules. It's not a big deal.

Leslie:What do you mean everyone breaks rules?

Mark:I mean, Ben parks in handicapped spots, Jerry files things wrong on purpose, and Tom... well, Tom breaks pretty much every rule that exists.

Leslie:I'm in the boys' club! I'm in the boys' club! I'm in the boys' club!

Ben:Leslie, you can stop now.

Leslie:I'm in the boys' club! I'm in the boys' club! I'm in the boys' club!

Ben:Okay, that's getting weird.

Leslie:I'm in the boys' club. I'm in the boys' club. I'm in the boys' club.

Tom Haverford:Tom's elaborate Ron sexual dream scenario: 'is he half-Ron, half-animal, like a centaur?' / 'Is he wearing a football uniform?' / 'Are you making love to him on a couch shaped like his mustache?' / 'Is he covered in Powerade?'

Tom Haverford:'How about some stolen wine?' — Tom, when Leslie says she needs something to drink during the mock hearing

Tom Haverford · Leslie Knope:Tom concludes the mock deposition: 'Thank you for your time, Miss Knope. You're fired.' / 'So, that's kind of your worst-case scenario, you know? If you can handle that, I think you'll be fine.'

Andy Dwyer:Andy's washing scene: 'There's only one more thing I need to clean, me. / Um, I can't really get into a shower, so I got this idea from my parents. / This is how they clean their dog.'

Andy Dwyer:Andy has written a song for Ann and it's playing on a boom box when she arrives. 'I wrote that for Ann. It's gonna be playing when she walks through the door today. And check this out. Washed my shorts. How do you like that?'

Andy Dwyer · Lawrence:Andy fights his neighbor Lawrence over the boom box. 'What are you doing in my yard, Lawrence? Get out of here.' / 'I just put 12 new batteries in that thing!'

Ron Swanson · Committee Member:Ron defends Leslie to the committee: 'This is not communist China. You cannot make her whip herself. You cannot make her wear a hair shirt.' / 'We weren't planning on doing either of those things.'

Ron Swanson · Committee Member:Ron: 'You want to live in North Korea, you can live in North Korea.' / Committee: 'I don't want to. I want to live in America.'

Ron Swanson:Ron's talking head: 'No, I didn't do it for Leslie. I did it because I hate bureaucracy. My idea of a perfect government is one guy, who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he's allowed to decide is who to nuke.'

Ron Swanson:Ron continues: 'The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon.'

Leslie Knope · Ann Perkins:Leslie confesses to Ann she did it for a guy: 'I did it for a guy.' / 'Oh! Yeah. Mark.'

Ann Perkins:Ann's reaction to learning Leslie opened the basket for a guy — specifically Mark: 'Oh. Oh. Wow.'

Ann Perkins:Ann's talking head: 'Smart woman. Iffy choice in men. But then again, I'm not one to talk.' [clearly referencing Andy]

Andy Dwyer:Andy to Ann upon her return: 'Somebody is getting gently laid tonight.'

Mark Brendanawicz · Leslie Knope:Mark offers Leslie a beer on government property: 'You're not supposed to be drinking on government property.' / 'Loosen up. You're gonna drive yourself crazy trying to follow every single rule in government.' / 'Mark, I have a letter in my file.' / 'I got seven letters in my file. Pretty much every guy in city planning has a bunch of letters.'

Mark Brendanawicz:Mark: 'Welcome to the team.' — said while handing Leslie a beer on government property

Mark Brendanawicz:Mark to Leslie: 'I got seven letters in my file. Pretty much every guy in city planning has a bunch of letters.'

Leslie Knope:Leslie's final talking head: 'Look out, boys. I'm in your club now. I'm in your club. I'm in your club. I'm in your club. I'm in your club. I'm in your... Mmm. Creepy.'