Boys Club

Oh, my God. It's real. Uh... Yeah, I'm not gonna go deal with this. I'm leaving.

Actually, this is a little fun. This is fun.

That's why I go two towns over if I want to rent a movie with nudity in it.

Yeah, I probably shouldn't have said that.

You are so pure, you're like a brown Superman with a beard that just stands for justice and truth and the American way.

Maybe those are his relatives. Yeah, maybe fake boobs run in his family.

She's got a thong on her face.

His favorite movie is Dances With Wolves.

No matter what direction I move, he's always staring at my chest.

She swears it makes me look thinner. It kind of does.

Yes, Ann! That's good, think like a man.

And it's because you're a woman!

That was the sound of a glass ceiling being shattered.

I mean, look at those bitches clean up after me.

You have a friend who has a tattoo that says, 'Daddy's Girl.' And both words are misspelled.

Oh, boo. Brendanawicz, that's some weak sauce. You need to hit harder!

Natalie, it's your sister. Pick me up or I'm gonna draw all over your jeans.

'Cause parties usually get started when you run out of booze.

I have always tried to live my life in an ethical way, and last night, I failed.

Michele Bachmann, Republican, Minnesota. I am sorry. Tammy Baldwin, Democrat, Wisconsin. I'm so sorry, Tammy.

She is an angel. And I seriously love her. Hard.

I took a bunch of painkillers. They're about to kick in so I'm ready to go.

It's like I don't even know you anymore.

Yes, but she was in the hospital. I did not know that at the time.

I think you should go to jail. Think about what you've done.

You're a white Protestant man with a full, rich mustache.

When you spill something and you try to wipe it up with something that's dirty, then you get double dirty.

I wish I could say some of this mess was Ann's, but it's all mine. I'm kind of a nester.

I'm doing a little experiment tonight to see what will get me drunker. Drinking wine...

Because I was waiting for my sister and I was bored, and my hair looked really good.

This bench is so uncomfortable. Ow. Help. Please, Ron. Ron.

Zero to six. I'm gonna write down 10.

Have you ever had a sexual dream about our boss, Ron Swanson? No! Absolutely not. No. Yes. No.

Is he like a regular Ron, or is he half-Ron, half-animal, like a centaur? Is he wearing a football uniform? Are you making love to him on a couch shaped like his mustache? Is he covered in Powerade?

This is how they clean their dog.

I just put 12 new batteries in that thing!

This is not communist China. You cannot make her whip herself. You cannot make her wear a hair shirt. We weren't planning on doing either of those things. This is America. You want to live in North Korea, you can live in North Korea. I don't want to. I want to live in America.

My idea of a perfect government is one guy, who sits in a small room at a desk, and the only thing he's allowed to decide is who to nuke. The man is chosen based on some kind of IQ test, and maybe also a physical tournament, like a decathlon. And women are brought to him, maybe, when he desires them.

I... We had a brief affair in February of 2004.

Smart woman. Iffy choice in men. But then again, I'm not one to talk.

I was chasing our neighbor who's a total jagweed and I fell in some prickly bushes.

Somebody is getting gently laid tonight. Andy! God!

I got seven letters in my file. Pretty much every guy in city planning has a bunch of letters.

Look out, boys. I'm in your club now. I'm in your club. I'm in your club. I'm in your club. I'm in your club. I'm in your... Mmm. Creepy.