The Reporter

See all the spikes? So, two things. One, it's poisonous. And two, it would hurt.

For a while, it was a teenage nature hike, but then we changed it because a girl got pregnant.

Leslie eating the honeysuckle despite Jerry saying not to eat it

Why did you let me eat that? / I never told you to eat that.

Leslie, the animals know you don't eat the country honeysuckle. / I'm not an animal.

She writes for the Pawnee Journal, which is kind of like our town's Washington Post.

The press is a weapon and you can use it to kill people or to feed people.

We had removed five cartoon penises, not even 10%, when we were shut down due to lack of funding.

To this day, I am haunted by those remaining penises. One penis in particular.

What? Stay on message again? / Yes, it's that important. It's one and two.

Wait. Did I ever get it?

This is JJ's Diner, the unofficial meeting place of Pawnee's political elite. The people who eat here basically run this town.

What about that thing you did for the middle school newspaper last year? / Oh. No. I don't count that. That was a smear job.

How you spell your name. / Of course. Because of the silent 'K.'

How many discussion questions do you have there? / Um... Thirty. / Wow! You're insane.

Mark and I made love once. And it was very intense.

Who left the door open? No! No! No!

And I agree with you. They are nature's bandits.

I am always amazed at his quiet dignity right before he's killed by a cannonball.

I'm surprised no one's complained about this. / Oh, tons of people have. Yeah, we get letters every day.

No comment. / About what?

Hey, Haverford, maybe one day you'll figure out how to spell a three-letter word.

I play a lot of online Scrabble with my boss, Ron Swanson, and, oh, my God, that guy is the best. He beats me every time. He kills me. He's awesome. I can't beat him. I should just close my account.

Tom Haverford, boy genius. Smooth like milk chocolate.

That's a weird way to describe me.

April Ludgate, 19. Cool enough to be invited anywhere and chooses to be here.

Yeah. Good. That way it's verbatim.

I'm sorry. It's actually called a subcommittee, not a committee, so.

Oh. Yeah. That's actually a great story. I just finished up a gig with my band Three Skin, formerly Four Skin, but our bassist left for personal reasons.

And I thought I saw a toaster lying in the pit. And I was like, 'Maybe I should get that.' And I fell in and broke my legs.

Why would you want a toaster that's lying at the bottom of the pit? / I don't know. I was pretty wasted.

Wait. You were drunk? / Oh, yeah. Totally. / You knew that. / I didn't know that, no.

You should've told me, because we gave you anesthesia at the hospital. / I was probably not thinking 'cause I had two broken femurs and I was blackout drunk.

Like you're perfect. You're on the pill. You drink all the time. You're allowed to do that.

Thank you so much for bringing that up in front of a reporter.

Oh, Ann. You're so sweet and innocent and pretty. The press are like sharks, and you guys just dumped a bucket of chum in the water.

And it turns out that Ann is on birth-control pills.

Do you think I'm in the top five best-looking Indian guys in Pawnee?

No. / Who do you think's got me beat? That guy Hashish at City Planning?

You're worse than my ex-wife, and she's terrible at Scrabble. And she's a bitch.

Her name is Tammy Swanson and she's a serious bitch.

She got here 15 minutes late. She's wearing the same dress she wore yesterday. And she had to get a ride from...

How big is the lot? / I don't know. You tell me. How big is the lot? / A hundred or something. Give or take 100. I don't know. / A hundred what? / I don't know, Shauna Malwae-Tweep.

I just played 'lexicons' for a billion points. / No, no, no, no, no. What? I was letting him win, dumbass.

Crap on a stick. Okay, technically, yes, it was nepotism. But... Oh, my God. No, it wasn't.

There was one annoying thing. She and Mark had sex with each other. / You're kidding. / I wish I was, but I'm not. They did it.

Called it. I called that. / You remember that? Yeah. / He did, actually. He totally called that.

He was probably thinking with the head of his wiener instead of the head of his brain.

I bet he didn't use a condom. / Andy, God!

But you're being a huge dork.

I accidentally ate an old burrito.

I'm assuming not Mexican. / Why? / Because of the burrito. / Oh! Yeah, well, it wasn't a Mexican burrito.

Can I say over 100%? Because I would be lying if I said less.

Series of increasingly ridiculous quotes about the park never happening, including unicorns, Pope getting married, talking monkeys, leprechauns, and the sun falling out of the sky

Oh, really? Tell that to a 14-year-old girl. / There are some countries where the Pope can be married. / Really? Have you seen The Wizard of Oz? / Leprechauns exist.

Mark Brendanawicz.

Do you have to say it's off the record? / Oh, God.

Come on, stay in bed. That park is never, ever, ever gonna get made. / Right. And then I came back to bed. / Yeah, but the important part of what I said was, 'Stay in bed.'

I wouldn't say romantically involved. You know, going forward.

I don't even know what lexicons are. I thought that was a luxury automobile.

You can't even spell vocabulary. / Yeah. V-O-G-X... Was that right? No.

Tom is exactly what I'm looking for in a government employee.

Whoa! You nailed Malwae-Tweep? Nice. / Yes, but I'm not gonna do it again. It's over. / So she's available.

Man, that dude has stuck it in some crazy chicks.

'Pretty drunk, Ann's on the pill.' / I didn't 'throw up,' I spit up.

She writes, and I quote, 'We'll see.' / Ends on a hopeful note.