Canvassing

Leslie:Tom, this is incredible. You've hidden these eggs so well that I, an adult woman with a fully developed prefrontal cortex, cannot find a single one.

Tom:Yeah, about that... I forgot to hide them.

Leslie:My mother is like Margaret Thatcher, but beautiful.

Leslie:I wasn't really inviting you anyway. I just wanted to see if you'd make an excuse.

Myrtle:What?

Leslie:Yeah, I knew you were going to say no, so I preemptively rejected you so I could reject you first.

Leslie:When I was in third grade, I ran for student council president. I got more votes than voters existed.

Leslie:Everyone needs to put sunscreen on their beaks!

Tom:I'm good. I don't need sunscreen.

Leslie:Tom, everyone needs sunscreen.

Tom:Not me. I'm black.

Leslie:You can't handle the pit! Son, we live in a world that has pits, and those pits have to be filled by men with shovels. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lieutenant Weinstein? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for the hole and you curse the Parks Department. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know — that the pit's destruction, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves pits!

Leslie:And another thing, the parks department really cares about community engagement, so if you just give us a chance—

Leslie:Hello? Where did you go?

Resident:Do you have a playground? My kids love playgrounds! And a splash pad would be amazing!

Leslie:Well, we're actually planning to expand both of those amenities. How many children do you have?

Resident:Oh, none. I just like to use the equipment.

Resident:How far is the park from schools?

Leslie:Um, about two blocks. Why do you ask?

Resident:And how far from a library? A community center? A playground?

Leslie:I'm... not sure where you're going with this.

Resident:I just need to know the distance from my house to the park.

Leslie:Well, that depends on your address.

Resident:Right, so I'm going to need a map with a 500-yard radius drawn around my residence.

April:He runs like a newborn baby giraffe.

Leslie:Well, why don't you just have the 4-year-old babysit the 2-year-old?

Woman:What? No, that doesn't make any sense.

Leslie:Why not? The 4-year-old is twice as old as the 2-year-old. That's perfect.

Tom:Mickey, listen. I'm gonna be straight with you. You seem like a smart guy, a guy who makes good decisions. So I'm gonna need you to commit to this deal right now. Because if you don't... you're a bitch.

April:We need to cool down. I'm going to go bury myself in the woods.

Andy:What? No, that's insane.

April:Fine. I'll bury you instead.

Ann:Leslie, did you actually conduct this survey about nuclear waste storage?

Leslie:Well, I mean... not exactly. I may have just made up all the data.

Ann:You made it up? The entire survey?

Leslie:Look, the results I needed were obvious. People don't want nuclear waste. I just saved us six months of paperwork.

Leslie:Well, we did a survey. We surveyed meth users about their favorite parks.

Resident:You surveyed meth users?

Leslie:Yes. Very helpful focus group, actually. Super engaged. Lots of energy.

Leslie Knope:You don't even care about your own children! If you did, you would support this park initiative because it's good for families and the community!

Angry Parent:When is the meeting?

Leslie Knope:Well, it's actually pretty boring. You probably don't want to come. It's just a lot of... bureaucratic stuff. Very dry. Very technical.

Angry Parent:What time?

Leslie Knope:7 PM. Town Hall. Conference Room B. Bring a pen.

Tom:Hey ladies, are you landscapers? Because I'd like to get up in those thighs and do some serious mulching.

Leslie:We need an injured candidate. Someone sympathetic. Someone in a wheelchair.

Leslie:Andy! We'll put Andy in a wheelchair.

Andy:What? No!

Leslie:It's perfect. FDR was in a wheelchair and he was the greatest president ever.

Andy:Leslie, FDR hid his wheelchair from the American people.

Leslie:Exactly. But we'll do the opposite. We'll flaunt it.

Ron Swanson:The government has no business spending taxpayer money on programs. It's wasteful, inefficient, and fundamentally un-American.

Ron Swanson:Wait, you're telling me they actually... they actually implemented these programs? They're building things? Creating jobs?

Ron Swanson:This is a nightmare. This is the exact opposite of what I stand for.

Leslie:In Russia, they don't have parks like we do. They have these empty fields where old men sit on rocks and pretend they're potatoes.

Ron:That sounds efficient.

Leslie:It's not efficient, Ron, it's sad.

Leslie:First we'd visit the park, and then we'd go to the White House, and then... well, one thing leads to another, and suddenly I'm the first female President of the United States.

Ben:That's not how it works.

Leslie:That's exactly how it works.

Leslie:We need to postpone the town meeting.

Ron:On what grounds?

Leslie:Well, I'm thinking... somewhere between now and the heat death of the universe.

Tom:Don, I've created the perfect jingle for your cement company. Ready? *clears throat* 'Don's Cement, it's really hard, keeps your driveway looking—'

Don:That doesn't rhyme.

Tom:It will when people sing it faster.

Leslie:April, I really need you to support the park if I'm called on. This is important.

April:Probably.

Mark:This is going to be a disaster. I can feel it in my bones. Someone's going to say something stupid, someone's going to get angry, and by the end of it, we'll all be wishing we called in sick.

Leslie:They're real people! They exist! I have their names written down!

Mark:I know everything about this town. I'm amazing at my job.

Leslie:Really? What's your area of expertise?

Mark:Well, I know that a circle has 360 degrees, and I understand how water flows downhill.

Andy:Hey, hey, hey! Lawrence is not a douchebag. He's a good guy who happens to live with his grandmother.

Andy:What a douchebag.

Andy:Yeah, I play in a band. We're called Mouserat.

Andy:Well, we used to be called Scarecrow Boat, but then we changed it.

Andy:Before that we were The Crackerjacks, and prior to that, Andy and the D-Bags.

Tom:You know what? I find Kate's aggressive opposition to this park really attractive.

Leslie:So Reverend Luther Howell founded Pawnee in 1817. He was a man of God, a man of vision, and according to this plaque, he was 'twisted to death' by Native Americans.

Leslie:Wait, I've been talking for like twenty minutes, haven't I? Oh my god, I'm doing it again. I'm that person. But you know what? I'm just going to keep going. I'm going to filibuster this conversation. It's a valid political strategy.

Leslie:In the future, Pawnee will have space taxis and we'll communicate through our watches.

Leslie:Actually, we'll communicate via blinking feelings.

Leslie:April, I need you to be our youth spokesperson for the parks initiative.

April:Fine. Parks are... good. You should... use them. I'm very passionate about this.

Leslie:April, you have to sound more enthusiastic.

April:I am enthusiastic. This is my enthusiastic face. Parks are rad. Tubular. Let's get jiggy with it... in the park.

April:I just want to say that Leslie Knope has done an amazing job as our parks director. She's made our community better.

Resident:Wait, aren't you the girl who came to my house last week asking me to vote for Leslie?

April:...Yes.

Resident:So you were just canvassing my neighborhood?

April:Yes.

Resident:And now you're here saying the same thing?

April:I... it's a different context.

Resident:You're just a crazy park lady!

Leslie:Did you hear that? They called me a park lady. I'm a park lady!

Mark:Wait, she actually got me to read The Phantom Tollbooth? From her filibuster?