Canvassing

Leslie:Tom, this is incredible. You've hidden these eggs so well that I, an adult woman with a fully developed prefrontal cortex, cannot find a single one.

Tom:Yeah, about that... I forgot to hide them.

Leslie:My mother is like Margaret Thatcher, but beautiful.

Leslie:I wasn't really inviting you anyway. I just wanted to see if you'd make an excuse.

Myrtle:What?

Leslie:Yeah, I knew you were going to say no, so I preemptively rejected you so I could reject you first.

Leslie:When I was in third grade, I ran for student council president. I got more votes than voters existed.

Leslie:Everyone needs to put sunscreen on their beaks!

Tom:I'm good. I don't need sunscreen.

Leslie:Tom, everyone needs sunscreen.

Tom:Not me. I'm black.

Leslie:You can't handle the pit! Son, we live in a world that has pits, and those pits have to be filled by men with shovels. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lieutenant Weinstein? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for the hole and you curse the Parks Department. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know — that the pit's destruction, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves pits!

Leslie:And another thing, the parks department really cares about community engagement, so if you just give us a chance—

Leslie:Hello? Where did you go?

Resident:Do you have a playground? My kids love playgrounds! And a splash pad would be amazing!

Leslie:Well, we're actually planning to expand both of those amenities. How many children do you have?

Resident:Oh, none. I just like to use the equipment.

Resident:How far is the park from schools?

Leslie:Um, about two blocks. Why do you ask?

Resident:And how far from a library? A community center? A playground?

Leslie:I'm... not sure where you're going with this.

Resident:I just need to know the distance from my house to the park.

Leslie:Well, that depends on your address.

Resident:Right, so I'm going to need a map with a 500-yard radius drawn around my residence.

April:He runs like a newborn baby giraffe.

Leslie:Well, why don't you just have the 4-year-old babysit the 2-year-old?

Woman:What? No, that doesn't make any sense.

Leslie:Why not? The 4-year-old is twice as old as the 2-year-old. That's perfect.

Tom:Mickey, listen. I'm gonna be straight with you. You seem like a smart guy, a guy who makes good decisions. So I'm gonna need you to commit to this deal right now. Because if you don't... you're a bitch.

April:We need to cool down. I'm going to go bury myself in the woods.

Andy:What? No, that's insane.

April:Fine. I'll bury you instead.

Ann:Leslie, did you actually conduct this survey about nuclear waste storage?

Leslie:Well, I mean... not exactly. I may have just made up all the data.

Ann:You made it up? The entire survey?

Leslie:Look, the results I needed were obvious. People don't want nuclear waste. I just saved us six months of paperwork.

Leslie:Well, we did a survey. We surveyed meth users about their favorite parks.

Resident:You surveyed meth users?

Leslie:Yes. Very helpful focus group, actually. Super engaged. Lots of energy.

Leslie Knope:You don't even care about your own children! If you did, you would support this park initiative because it's good for families and the community!

Angry Parent:When is the meeting?

Leslie Knope:Well, it's actually pretty boring. You probably don't want to come. It's just a lot of... bureaucratic stuff. Very dry. Very technical.

Angry Parent:What time?

Leslie Knope:7 PM. Town Hall. Conference Room B. Bring a pen.

Tom:Hey ladies, are you landscapers? Because I'd like to get up in those thighs and do some serious mulching.

Leslie:We need an injured candidate. Someone sympathetic. Someone in a wheelchair.

Leslie:Andy! We'll put Andy in a wheelchair.

Andy:What? No!

Leslie:It's perfect. FDR was in a wheelchair and he was the greatest president ever.

Andy:Leslie, FDR hid his wheelchair from the American people.

Leslie:Exactly. But we'll do the opposite. We'll flaunt it.

Ron Swanson:The government has no business spending taxpayer money on programs. It's wasteful, inefficient, and fundamentally un-American.

Ron Swanson:Wait, you're telling me they actually... they actually implemented these programs? They're building things? Creating jobs?

Ron Swanson:This is a nightmare. This is the exact opposite of what I stand for.

Leslie:In Russia, they don't have parks like we do. They have these empty fields where old men sit on rocks and pretend they're potatoes.

Ron:That sounds efficient.

Leslie:It's not efficient, Ron, it's sad.

Leslie:First we'd visit the park, and then we'd go to the White House, and then... well, one thing leads to another, and suddenly I'm the first female President of the United States.

Ben:That's not how it works.

Leslie:That's exactly how it works.

Leslie:We need to postpone the town meeting.

Ron:On what grounds?

Leslie:Well, I'm thinking... somewhere between now and the heat death of the universe.

Tom:Don, I've created the perfect jingle for your cement company. Ready? *clears throat* 'Don's Cement, it's really hard, keeps your driveway looking—'

Don:That doesn't rhyme.

Tom:It will when people sing it faster.

Leslie:April, I really need you to support the park if I'm called on. This is important.

April:Probably.

Mark:This is going to be a disaster. I can feel it in my bones. Someone's going to say something stupid, someone's going to get angry, and by the end of it, we'll all be wishing we called in sick.

Leslie:They're real people! They exist! I have their names written down!

Mark:I know everything about this town. I'm amazing at my job.

Leslie:Really? What's your area of expertise?

Mark:Well, I know that a circle has 360 degrees, and I understand how water flows downhill.

Andy:Hey, hey, hey! Lawrence is not a douchebag. He's a good guy who happens to live with his grandmother.

Andy:What a douchebag.

Andy:Yeah, I play in a band. We're called Mouserat.

Andy:Well, we used to be called Scarecrow Boat, but then we changed it.

Andy:Before that we were The Crackerjacks, and prior to that, Andy and the D-Bags.

Tom:You know what? I find Kate's aggressive opposition to this park really attractive.

Leslie:So Reverend Luther Howell founded Pawnee in 1817. He was a man of God, a man of vision, and according to this plaque, he was 'twisted to death' by Native Americans.

Leslie:Wait, I've been talking for like twenty minutes, haven't I? Oh my god, I'm doing it again. I'm that person. But you know what? I'm just going to keep going. I'm going to filibuster this conversation. It's a valid political strategy.

Leslie:In the future, Pawnee will have space taxis and we'll communicate through our watches.

Leslie:Actually, we'll communicate via blinking feelings.

Leslie:April, I need you to be our youth spokesperson for the parks initiative.

April:Fine. Parks are... good. You should... use them. I'm very passionate about this.

Leslie:April, you have to sound more enthusiastic.

April:I am enthusiastic. This is my enthusiastic face. Parks are rad. Tubular. Let's get jiggy with it... in the park.

April:I just want to say that Leslie Knope has done an amazing job as our parks director. She's made our community better.

Resident:Wait, aren't you the girl who came to my house last week asking me to vote for Leslie?

April:...Yes.

Resident:So you were just canvassing my neighborhood?

April:Yes.

Resident:And now you're here saying the same thing?

April:I... it's a different context.

Resident:You're just a crazy park lady!

Leslie:Did you hear that? They called me a park lady. I'm a park lady!

Mark:Wait, she actually got me to read The Phantom Tollbooth? From her filibuster?

Leslie Knope · Ann Perkins:Leslie asks Ann to put on a 'nurse's costume' — Ann clarifies she means scrubs

Leslie Knope:Why do I want to build this park so bad? Maybe because a pit filled with garbage isn't the best that we can do in America. You know, in Russia, they could pretend that pit was a park, bring their kids down there. 'Hey, Vlad! Look at these rocks! Let's pretend they're potatoes!' 'Nikolai! Do you want to swim in the dirt?'

Leslie Knope:And it is my dream to build a park. That I one day visit with my White House staff on my birthday. And they say, 'President Knope, this park is awesome. Now we understand why you are the first female President of the United States.'

Leslie Knope · Ron Swanson:Leslie Knope, builder of parks. / How was canvassing? / Canvassing was okay, but I think we're gonna have to postpone the town meeting. / Postpone? / Only for one to 90 days.

Ron Swanson:I was talking to the city manager, exchanging ideas. Um, there's a mutual respect there. And together, we have decided to fast-track your project.

Leslie Knope · Ron Swanson:I have to cancel this meeting. / Fast-track? / Did my name come up at all? / Oh, this meeting needs to be canceled. / No, it's happening. Look, just do a good job tomorrow. Okay? / Of course. I'll push anything through anything. You know me.

Tom Haverford:Tom's pre-meeting schmooze session with contractors — bringing pretzels, saving seats with tape, promoting fence companies, pitching a cement jingle: 'Don's cement / It's the best you can get / Don's'

Ann Perkins · Leslie Knope:This will be fine, right? It's a park for God's sakes. How much can they hate a park? / A lot of them seemed to hate a park yesterday.

Leslie Knope:My mom's here. [pause] No. I can't do that. That's illegal.

Leslie Knope:Leslie spots her mother in the audience at the town hall — she 'fake invited' her but the mom came anyway

Leslie's Mom:I want my daughter to be successful, which is why I always tell her, 'There's nothing wrong with being a wife and mother.'

Leslie Knope:There are many people that I spoke to who are passionately in support of this idea. None of them were able to make it tonight, unfortunately. But they totally exist. I did not make them up.

Leslie Knope · Mark Brendanawicz:I was warned about by Mark Brendanawicz, our city planner assigned to this project. Uh... So what would he say? [CUT TO:] Here we are.

Leslie Knope · Mark Brendanawicz:Mark Brendanawicz knows the answer to every question. He's amazing and congratulations for hearing him speak. / Hi there. Leslie might have oversold me a little bit. / Certainly did not. He's the man. He's capable of anything.

Mark Brendanawicz:Lot 48 is... It's a rectangular lot. It's got excellent drainage. And it's on the corner of Sullivan and Collins. Any questions?

Lawrence (Neighbor) · Andy Dwyer · Leslie Knope:Uh, yeah. I don't care about any of that. He's the guy that plays music all night in his garage. It's driving me nuts. / Lawrence lives with his grandma.

Lawrence (Neighbor):Which is pretty awesome. He takes care of her, I guess. But whatever, he's a douchebag. It's loud, it's abusive, and it's waking up my birds.

Lawrence · Andy Dwyer:Lawrence complains about Andy's music: 'it wakes them up.' Andy: 'You have birds, now?' Lawrence: 'Yeah, I have birds. I have nice, pretty, expensive birds.'

Andy Dwyer:And actually, if anyone here plays bass, we need a bassist.

Mark Brendanawicz · Leslie Knope:Uh. It is not going well at all. Mmm-hmm. It's going very poorly. Okay? Mmm-hmm. Like, you're crashing and burning. Democracy's happening. People are talking. I mean, at least they aren't apathetic, right?

Andy Dwyer:Andy announces his band is called 'Just the Tip' at a public town hall

Mark Brendanawicz:I'm oddly attracted to Kate Spivack.

Mark Brendanawicz:Mark's confessional: 'I'm oddly attracted to Kate Spivack.'

Leslie Knope:The City of Pawnee was incorporated in 1817, when a young man by the name of Reverend Luther Howell came from Terre Haute on an ox. He planted his flag in the ground and was met soon after by an angry tribe of Wamapoke Indians, who, when seeing the whiteness of his skin, twisted him to death.

Mark Brendanawicz · Tom Haverford · Leslie Knope:My, God. She's filibustering her own meeting. / Filibuster! Boom! They can't touch you if you talk forever.

Leslie Knope:The future of Pawnee will involve us flying around in space taxis, where we will communicate on watches, and blink our feelings to each other, rather than use words.

Leslie Knope:And now, I'd like to take a magical journey through a little something I like to call The Phantom Tollbooth, by Norton Juster.

Leslie Knope · April Ludgate:That girl over there with the long brown hair and the yellow top. Could you tell us how you feel about this park? / Hi. Uh, I'm a youth in the community and I think a new park is a great idea. And I fully support it, as would the rest of the youth in the community.

Citizen:Hey! I recognize her. That kid came to my door yesterday. Oh, my God! Okay, they have planted people in this audience.

Ann Perkins:A couple of weeks ago, I was yelling at Leslie at a public forum. God, I hope I wasn't as obnoxious as those people. I wasn't, right?

Citizen at Microphone:At 5:00 in the morning, every morning, beep, beep, beep! I don't want to hear that. Now, how long is this project gonna take? That's what I want to know. That's what's important to me. Because I need my sleep.

Leslie Knope:Thank you, ma'am. That concludes our meeting. / What about the vote? / We're out of time. It's 9:00. But we will have many public forums in the future, and we hope to see you all there.

Leslie Knope · Random Citizen:God, I loved it! I loved every minute of it. / Hey, park lady. / Yeah? / You suck.

Leslie Knope:Hear that? He called me 'park lady.'

Ron Swanson:You know, normally, I don't agree with Leslie about anything, but this book is awesome.