Rock Show

Doctor:Congratulations, Andy. Your arms have healed perfectly. You can go back to normal activities.

Andy:That's great! Hey, speaking of things that have healed, did you do something different? Because you are looking absolutely—

April:Andy, no.

Andy:I was just going to say she has a nice... presence in the room.

Andy Dwyer:Oh man, this is gonna feel so good. I can't wait to get this thing off.

Doctor:Alright, let's get started.

Andy Dwyer:Aaahhhhh! Oh my God! Oh my God, oh my God! It's like... it's like a thousand daggers made of ice are being driven into my skin! It's like a swarm of angry bees the size of birds! It's like I'm being attacked by a bear made of chainsaws!

Andy:How did a pirate get in my cast?

April:That's not a pirate, that's a peg leg.

Andy:It is gonna feel so good to walk again, finally.

Andy:He's literally singing to a sandwich

Andy:I want you to be a lamp. Just a lamp. That's all I'm asking.

Andy:I don't like to define my music. It's just... you know, it's a fusion of rock, pop, a little bit of soul, some folk elements, and—

Unknown:So it's rock.

Andy:No, no, no. I don't like to define my music.

Leslie:Oh, I love mixing work and personal life. It's great. I do it all the time.

Mark:I lowered a speed bump by two inches. That's what government does.

Ann:He wrote a song about the pit. It's called 'The Pit' and it's just him rocking out while singing about how dangerous it is and listing all the municipal codes that were violated.

Ann:It's somehow both the hardest rocking song I've ever heard and the most informative.

Andy:We could be The Sweetums, or The Pit Crew, or Mouse Rat, or The Doppelgangers, or Everything Rhymes with Orange, or The Bipeds, or Scarecrow Boat, or Urfascism, or The Slugs, or DJ Roomba and the Carpet Cleaners, or The Andy Bernard Experience, or Kielbasa Factory, or Boyz II Menorah, or The Decibels, or Punch Face Champions, or Fiscal Responsibility, or Ninja Shoe Repair, or The Possum Pendulum, or Kidney Stone, or Puppy Attack, or The Schnozberries, or The Blahs, or The Ew's, or Electric Nose Hair Trimmer, or Beets by Schrute, or...and honestly, we're never going to make it as a band because we waste all our time coming up with band names.

George:The divorce was really tough on the kids.

George:My adult children's kids. My own kids are doing great.

George:Leslie is like Sandy Duncan.

George:You know, that actress from the seventies.

Leslie's Mom:Honey, you need to give this date a real chance. Just finish dinner, have a nice conversation. And then have sex with him.

Tom:I'm revenge dating my ex-wife's sister. It's like a fairy tale.

Tom:I want you all to meet my wife, Wendy. She's incredibly attractive and she makes a lot of money.

Wendy:Tom, we've talked about this.

April:Derek is a very serious person. He doesn't do anything fun or silly. He's all business.

April:We made out behind the Sweetums factory when we were both drunk.

Leslie:I'm a seventh wheel.

George:It hasn't been easy. And I'm coping, but it was tough on the kids. Not my kids, 'cause they're grown-up, but it was tough on their kids. Shouldn't bring up my divorce on a first date.

Andy:Hey Ann, can you get me a drink?

Ann:Sure, what do you want?

Andy:I'll have a triple shot of vodka, a double shot of rum, and a splash of water.

Ann:That's mostly alcohol!

Andy:I know, that's why I asked for the water. I'm trying to stay hydrated.

George:The Everly Brothers are not remotely rock music

Andy:This next song is dedicated to my girlfriend. It's called 'April.' April, April, April, April, April, April, April, April, April, April, April, April...

Ann:What about 'The Procrastinators'? Oh wait, you haven't decided yet.

Ann:Or 'Andy and the No-Shows' - because that's what you do to me.

Ann:'The Unreliables'? 'Flaky and the Disappointed'? 'Ann Deserves Better: A Musical Journey'?

Mark:I'm not hitting on you.

Mark:But would you be interested in getting dinner sometime?

Ann:No.

Andy:I fell in the pit. I fell in the pit. I fell in the pit.

Andy:The band is now officially called... Scarecrow Boat!

Andy:Wait, no. Mouse Rat. We're Mouse Rat.

Tom:Do you know Todd from Indiana State?

George:I don't think so. What year did he graduate?

Tom:1976.

George:Oh no, I graduated in 2013. That's a 37-year gap.

Leslie:Is he dead?

Tom:Leslie's boyfriend has Benjamin Button disease. He's getting younger every day. Soon he'll be a baby, then a fetus, then just a gleam in his father's eye.

Mark:Yeah, Leslie dates older guys. Pretty soon she'll be one of those people on the Today Show where Al Roker's like, 'Margaret, you're 103 years old, what's your secret?' And Margaret's like, 'I've been dating Leslie Knope.'

Leslie:The only similarities are bar and drunk Mark.

Mark:We could just throw our trash in the pit.

Leslie:What?! No! That's where we're building the park!

Leslie Knope:Despite the pit's size, she completely missed it

Andy:Okay, fine. I'll admit it. I kind of enjoyed having everyone wait on me hand and foot.

Leslie:What? Andy, you said your casts were medically necessary!

Andy:They were! Mostly. But yeah, the whole being pampered thing? That was pretty great.

Mark:Well, it's already a park. We've got a pit, kids can play in it, slide down, break their arms. It's great.

Mark:We could do duck-duck-goose, except the goose is a rabid German Shepherd.

Mark:Red Rover, but instead of a rope, it's barbed wire.

Mark:Simon Says, but if you don't do it perfectly, you get shocked with a cattle prod.

Leslie Knope:You know what? Building this park is just like the moon landing. It seems impossible, everyone says you can't do it, but then you do it anyway and it's beautiful and everyone cries.

Leslie:I don't want this to happen again.

Mark:Again?

Leslie:I mean... I don't want this to happen.

Mark:A park? In Pawnee? That pit's been there for years. Nothing's ever gonna change that.

Mark:I'm telling you, this is a waste of time and money.

Mark:Whoa!

Andy:Andy's song plays as the credits roll, now literally true for Mark too

Mark · Ann:I don't get you and... I mean, it doesn't make any sense to me. I mean, I like Andy a lot. But there's tons of guys out there who have jobs and who respect you and think you're attractive. / Really? / Oh, yeah.

Ann · Mark:You mean guys like you... / No! / For instance? / No, no, no, no, no, not me.

Ann · Mark:Oh. Okay. Good, 'cause, for a second there, I thought you were hitting on me in front of my boyfriend. / No! Not my style. / Even though you did just call him a big, lying baby. And I do find you attractive.

Mark · Ann:But if I were, would you be interested? / No. / Okay. / Let me tell you why, because I'm in a crappy mood...

Andy:Pit! I fell in it, the pit / You fell in it, the pit / We all fell in it, the pit

Andy:Thank you very much, everybody! We are Scarecrow Boat! No! Screw it! We are Mouse Rat! Thank you very much! Good night!

Leslie:Damn it. I missed it?

Tom:Hi. I'm Tom Haverford. This is my wife, Wendy. She's my age.

Andy:I have no idea why Ann is upset with me. But I do know she's too nice to yell at me in front of all these people. So, I am not leaving this bar.

Tom · George:So, did you go to Indiana State? / Yes. / My buddy Todd went there. Maybe you know him. What year did you graduate? / 1968. / Oh! Todd graduated in 2005, so you probably missed him.

George:I think I should head home now. / Okay. / It was nice to meet you. / It was fun. / I had a nice time. Don't think I'll go out with her again. / There was just no spark.

Unknown · Tom:How did Leslie meet her boyfriend? / She used to read him books at the senior center. / Wow. How old is he? / He's six, but he has Benjamin Button's disease.

Andy · Others:Hey, who wants to see me climb a tree? / I do! / I do!

Mark:You know what? That guy was too young for you. You should be dating guys in their early hundreds. I'm telling you, you should be dating men that Al Roker announces their birthdays.

Mark:Oh, yeah. I made a bump into a smaller bump. It's a great day for America.

Leslie:Mark and I are really connecting tonight. Like we connected that night when we made love five years ago. There's actually a lot of similarities between those two nights. That time we were also at a bar. And he was also pretty drunk.

Mark Brendanawicz:"But then you'd be homeless." — Mark's response to Leslie saying she'd live in the park

Mark · Leslie:Damn it! I was so close there! / Yeah, so... It was pretty close! / So far to the left! So far to the left!

Mark · Leslie:Unbelievable! That's unbelievable! / You missed the entire pit, which is huge, by the way.

Ann · Andy:I waited on you hand and foot. / And it was exhausting! / I fed you meals, and you could've had your casts off two weeks ago! / That is not true. / It's not true? / So you're calling Dr. Harris a liar?

Andy:Could I have gotten my casts off two weeks ago? Technically, yes. But... I really, really like it when you serve me food.

Ann:Get out. Get out of my house. / But what... / Take a walk with your overly-healed legs, and let me think about this relationship.

Leslie · Mark:Okay, this pit. Give it to me straight. Are we ever gonna turn it into a park? / Leslie, this is already a park! Look, I mean, you got Dirt Slide over here, you got Ring Around The Diaper you could play there, you've got Duck, Duck, Glass you could play right there. Mystery Trash. What's not to love about this park, right here, now?

Mark:I wish we could turn it into a pit, frankly, don't you?

Leslie:Screw it. I'm gonna try to do it anyway. I mean, Kennedy put a man on the moon. He did. I can build one park.

Andy:Hey, babe! Baby, open up! That guy Mark just fell in the pit! You know that guy Mark? Yeah. He just fell in the pit! You gotta go check it out. You're a nurse. I think he'd probably be hurt.

Andy:The episode ends with Andy's 'The Pit' song playing over Mark being carried out of the pit on a stretcher

Andy Dwyer:The episode closes on a reprise of The Pit Song as Ann reluctantly goes to help