Galentines Day

Leave our husbands and our boyfriends at home, And we just come and kick it, breakfast-style. Ladies celebrating ladies. It's like lilith fair, Minus the angst. Plus frittatas.

It makes the notebook look like saw v.

Go, mom, go.

You've heard this story before, right? Yes, but the drama.

I got to take one of those lifeguard courses. Those guys get all the action. Am I right, justin?

He's probably married. Or dead. what's the difference? Am I right, justin?

But if you find him and he's weird, Like a ventriloquist or a puppeteer Or anyone who pretends toys are people, Then abort the mission.

I knew, eventually, somehow, Being in a relationship with you would totally pay off.

He was using a bathrobe. And I bought him some other things that humans usually use, Like shampoo.

Those people are old! Am I right, justin? Oh. Justin's not here.

And, no offense, but everybody here is terrible at love. Divorced, dating a gay guy, divorced twice,

I've been happily married for 28 years. You've met my wife gayle many times. Whatever.

I didn't volunteer. Yeah, too bad. You got drafted.

ask not what Your old people could do for you. Ask what you could do for your old people. Terminator. What? No. Jfk. this meeting Has been terminated. that is the terminator.

Jay-z drinks this. Yeah, well, jay-z doesn't have To perform surgery in an hour. You don't know jay-z's schedule. He's a renaissance man.

But think about how much better our friendship would be If we added doing it.

So there's that one, I guess.

Bottom line: It's called sex hair. It's about how you can tell when someone's just had sex 'cause of how their hair gets matted up in the back.

Dude, kyle, I'm gonna lose my on you If you ask me one more time.

You're asking my permission to take a nooner? Sure. Well, I don't know. Maybe.

For our nooner, which is a cute word. Explain it to her later. Explain what?

I love bears and bags.

You know, I never had a chance to get a girl A cliched valentine's day gift before, So I got you all of 'em.

Maybe I'll call him pappy. Pop. Poppy. Papa. Oh, look at me, I'm getting ahead of myself. Hey, you never know. I'm gonna call him poo-paw.

What if I told you that you could reunite romeo and juliet? Or brad pitt and jennifer aniston? Oh, jen, I really want you to be happy. Stay away from john mayer.

Oh, no, poo-paw. Poo-paw, no.

Though I did once act as my own lawyer.

Such firm breasts. Oh, that was inappropriate.

I'm gonna throw up real quick, And then we can leave.

Because old people are funny. Yeah. It'll be like the golden girls.

So you were in the military? Nope.

Uh, I mean, that sucked, didn't it?

But I can't-- if that happens here, My eyes will fall out of my head, and I'll die.

You know, I might be crazy, But I have this weird suspicion That things are going well with us.

Yes, nerd, on paper, This thing we have is pretty great.

Yeah, well, he cried himself to sleep.

You gonna try to check me into an old folks' home?

come here, sonny. Let me tell you about the civil war. Grandpa, leave me alone. You smell like death.

This is insane. Yeah, it's insane, but it's all I got.

So your plan was to sue me And then to use that to blackmail me Into falling in love with you? Yeah.

Hey, these old bags paid for some entertainment, So get... No, you're right. Up there.

Are you guys-- Never mind. Why do you care? I don't.

Got a job at a grocery store Right out of college. Just for a way to make money. Here I am, 40 years later, Completely unemployed.

You're not serious, right? Serious as a heart attack. Of which I've had four.

Take one last look, marlene, Because you'll never see this body again.

yes, I'll take you For an ice cream malt, and then we can go choose our caskets.

God, why does everything we do have to be cloaked In, like, 15 layers of irony?

Then I'll make out with ben. Pass. No, he's my boyfriend. You can either make out with both of us or none of us. Fine. None of you. Fine.

He's a tourist. He vacations in people's lives, Takes pictures, Puts 'em in a scrapbook, and moves on.

It's duke silver. Duke, can I have your autograph? I love your music. You're mistaken, ladies. Move along.

You sound like dean martin. If I were 50 years younger... Ew. Wait, who's dean martin?

If I'm not mistaken, that was The old lady version of flashing. Nailed the gig.