Galentines Day

Leslie:Galentine's Day is not a real holiday, but it should be. It's like combining the angst of Lilith Fair with the comfort food of a frittata.

Leslie:The Notebook is the most romantic movie ever made.

Ben:What about that torture porn you watched last week?

Leslie:That's not romantic, Ben. That's just violent and disturbing.

Ben:I don't know, the way those people connected over their shared trauma seemed pretty intimate.

Leslie's Mom:So your father and I were on our honeymoon in Paris, and we decided to take a romantic walk along the Seine at sunset...

Leslie:Wait, wait, wait. Before you continue, I need to set up a bracket system to rank this story's romantic moments.

Leslie:Okay, go ahead. And speak clearly — I'm live-tweeting this.

Leslie's Mom:...

Leslie:Ooh! Ooh! Did you just earn a point? I'm giving that moment a 7 out of 10. Very solid, but needs more passion to move to the final round.

Leslie Knope:Have you heard the story about when I accidentally ordered 500 pounds of waffles?

Ben Wyatt:Yes, Leslie, you've told me this story 47 times.

Leslie Knope:I know, but I want to tell it again because it's dramatic and you need to hear the drama in my voice.

Tom Haverford:Dude, that's so romantic! A lifeguard rescue? That's like the ultimate pickup move.

Jerry Gergich:I once tried to save someone at the beach. Turns out they were just floating on purpose.

Tom Haverford:See, this is what I'm talking about. Guys getting action, am I right, Jerry?

Ron Swanson:Marriage is like death.

Leslie Knope:What do you mean?

Ron Swanson:It's the end of everything you knew before.

Leslie Knope:Okay, I will help you find your old flame, but only if you agree to my conditions.

Marlene:What kind of conditions?

Leslie Knope:Well, he has to be employed. He has to have all his original teeth. And he cannot be wanted for any crimes in the tri-state area.

Marlene:Those seem reasonable.

Leslie Knope:Oh, and he has to enjoy the smell of lavender. And he cannot be afraid of heights. And he has to be willing to learn Portuguese. And he cannot have ever been in a blimp. And he has to like his mother, but not too much. And he cannot have webbed feet.

Marlene:Webbed feet?

Leslie Knope:I don't make the rules, Marlene.

Tom:I got Ann a gift, and I gotta say, I'm treating this relationship like an investment portfolio, and it is finally paying dividends.

April Ludgate:I got him a toothbrush, a bar of soap, and some floss. Things humans usually use.

Ron Swanson:You know, when you get to be my age, you start to appreciate the simple things in life.

Ron Swanson:A good scotch, a solid woodworking project, and the company of—

Ron Swanson:Wait, where's Justin?

Leslie:I learned so much from the seniors today about love and relationships. Turns out, I'm doing great. Everyone else is a disaster.

Jerry:I'm not terrible at love. I've been married to Gayle for over 20 years.

Leslie:Whatever.

Mark:I don't want to be assigned to the zoning department. I want to work in Parks.

Leslie:Well, that's not going to happen. Consider this your deployment.

Leslie:Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country.

Tom:That's JFK.

Leslie:No, that's Terminator 2.

Tom:No, it's definitely JFK.

Leslie:Come with me if you want to live.

Tom:Look, I'm just saying, Jay-Z is a businessman. He's got Roc Nation, he's got sports management, he's got real estate holdings.

Unknown:Tom, what does that have to do with anything?

Tom:I'm saying, defending Jay-Z might also be a surgeon. You don't know.

Tom:Look, I think we should be more than friends.

Tom:Friendship is great, but what if we just added doing it to that?

Andy:Yeah, I think that went pretty well.

Leslie Knope:These songs are exactly like the songs you usually play, except instead of modern rock, they're old jazzy standards from the '40s.

Customer:Can you shine my shoes?

Andy:I already shined your shoes!

Customer:Can you shine them again?

Andy:Look, if you ask me one more time, I'm gonna lose my on you!

Leslie:Ron, I need to take some time off for a romantic mission.

Ron:Leslie, I don't need to hear about your sexual encounters.

Leslie:No, Ron, it's not like that. I'm trying to win back Ben.

Ron:I understand. Take all the time you need.

Leslie:A nooner! That's such a cute word. Like, it's noon, and you're doing something at noon, so you call it a nooner. Why don't we have more words like that? Like, a sevener? A tener?

Ben:Leslie, a nooner is when two people have sex in the middle of the day.

Leslie:Oh my God. Well, that's disappointing.

Ben:I appreciate the thoughtfulness, but... did you just give me a card that says 'I love you' made entirely of individual chocolate chips?

Leslie:Yes! Do you know how long it took me to glue each chip individually? That's 347 chips. I counted. Twice.

Ben:Leslie, you could have just... bought a chocolate bar.

Leslie:But then you wouldn't appreciate each individual chocolate chip! Look, I've catalogued them by size and cocoa content. This is love, Ben.

Dennis:Look, I know they're all clichés. Flowers, chocolates, romantic dinner. I know, I know.

Dennis:But you know what? I'm doing them anyway. All of them. Every single cliché in the book.

Leslie:Oh my God, you guys, Ben's dad is so great. Do you think he'd want to be my stepfather? Because I'm already workshopping grandfather names for when he has grandkids. Like, Grandpa Whiskers, or The Grinch, or Count Chocula...

Leslie:Wait, what about Gandalf the Gray? Oh! Bumbledore!

Leslie:This is like when Ross and Rachel finally got back together on Friends.

Ben:Okay, but that took ten seasons.

Leslie:We don't have ten seasons. We have like three weeks. Also, we should probably be more like Brad and Angelina.

Ben:They broke up.

Leslie:Okay, then like Jay-Z and Beyoncé. You know what? Just be like Jay-Z and Beyoncé.

Leslie:Wait, I'm not Marlene. I'm Leslie Knope. Although, fun fact, if I ever have a son, I'm naming him Eagleton, after the town I've worked so hard to merge with Pawnee. So in a crisis, you can just call me Eagleton's mom.

Pathetic alternative credential

Frank:Leslie's mom is something special. She's smart, she's funny, she's got great legs.

Leslie:Okay, wow.

Frank:I'm nervous about seeing Marlene. Last time I saw her, I threw up all over her shoes.

Frank:This time, I'm prepared. I brought a bucket.

Ben Wyatt:We should go to the senior center dance.

Leslie Knope:Why? So we can watch old people shuffle around and call it a good time?

Ben Wyatt:No, it's actually a great community event. Plus the senior center needs support.

Tom Haverford:I'm in. Nothing says entertainment like watching people who can barely move try to dance to music from their era.

Ron Swanson:That's exactly why I'm not going. I don't need to reduce the elderly to a spectacle for my amusement.

Frank:I've been in multiple war zones.

Leslie:Wow, Frank, that's incredible. What branch of the military were you in?

Frank:Oh, I wasn't in the military.

Leslie:Then how were you in war zones?

Frank:I'm a very aggressive tourist.

Andy:That was amazing! I really nailed it out there. The crowd loved me. I could feel their energy, you know? I was totally in the zone.

Andy:But honestly... I was terrible. I can't sing, I can't dance, and I definitely can't do both at the same time.

Andy:How do you know if a rock performance is going well? You look at the crowd. If people are jumping up and down, throwing their hands in the air, that means it's going great.

Andy:But if you see extreme physical reactions... like people are convulsing, their eyes are rolling back in their head... that's when you know... elderly women are flashing.

Mark:You know, Ann and I have been together for a while now, and I've realized something.

Mark:A good relationship is like finding money in your jacket pocket. You're not sure how it got there, but you're really happy about it.

Mark:Our relationship is really working out.

Ann:Yeah, you're right. You're a nerd, but it's working.

Mark:Did you just call me a nerd?

Leslie:He's not nervous. He's having a complete psychological breakdown. He tried to eat a shoe.

Marlene:Where are we going?

Leslie:It's a surprise!

Marlene:Oh God. Is this where they take old people to die?

Leslie:What? No!

Marlene:Because I'm not ready. I haven't written my will. My cats don't even know each other's names.

Jerry Gergich:Hey everyone, I wanted to tell you about the time I went fishing up at—

Ron Swanson:Jerry, you smell like death and I have no interest in your stories.

Unknown:That alimony lawsuit is insane.

Tom:Yeah, it is insane. But it's my only option.

Tom:Look, I'm gonna level with you. My strategy is simple: compliment her, make her laugh, then casually mention I own a business.

Tom:Women love that. It's foolproof.

April:You know what? You old people are always complaining about your... your back pain and your... your early bird specials and your...

April:Actually, you know what? That's not fair. You guys have a lot of wisdom. And you've earned the right to complain about your backs. I respect that.

April:What? I'm not being defensive. Why would you even say that?

Frank:I started as a temp at the Parks Department 40 years ago. Worked my way up through the ranks, became a supervisor, got promoted to manager. Then they outsourced my position. Now I'm unemployed.

Frank:So what do you say, Marlene? Want to pick up where we left off?

Marlene:Frank, that was thirty years ago. I'm not the same person I was back then.

Frank:Come on, we had something special.

Marlene:Frank, you gave me chlamydia.

April Ludgate · Andy Dwyer:Yeah, well, these old bags paid for some entertainment, so get... / No, you're right. / Up there.

Tom:We could go get ice cream.

April:Ice cream? That's just preparing for death by making yourself diabetic.

Tom:Or we could just... enjoy ice cream?

April:Same thing.

April Ludgate · Friend:Are you guys-- / Never mind. / Why do you care? / I don't.

April:We're breaking up.

Andy:What? No! April, we can work this out.

April:There's nothing to work out. It's over.

Andy:Okay, okay, what if we negotiate? I get Tuesday and Thursday make-out nights.

April:You get nothing. I'm keeping all make-out rights.

Andy:That's not fair! What about weekends? Surely I get weekends!

Ron:Mark is like a city built on a swamp. Sure, it's got some nice architecture, some interesting historical landmarks, but nobody really wants to live there. They just visit, take some photos, and leave. The infrastructure is questionable at best. The whole thing could collapse at any moment. And frankly, the tourism board is doing a terrible job.

Frank Beckerson:Blew it. / Take one last look, Marlene, because you'll never see this body again.

Elderly Woman:You have a beautiful voice, young man. You remind me of Pavarotti.

Andy:Oh wow, thanks! Is he in a band or something?

Elderly Woman:You have such a nice voice.

Andy:Thank you! You know, that's what they said at my rock show. Well, not exactly. They said 'turn it down' and 'leave,' but those are basically compliments.

April Ludgate · Friend · Ben (friend):You know what, we're breaking up. / Fine. / Then you can't make out with me when you're drunk anymore. / Fine. Then I'll make out with Ben. / Pass. / No, he's my boyfriend. You can either make out with both of us or none of us. / Fine. None of you. / Fine.

Ron Swanson:He's a tourist. He vacations in people's lives, takes pictures, puts 'em in a scrapbook, and moves on. All he's interested in are stories.

Ron Swanson:I told you so. / It's Duke Silver.

Elderly Women · Ron Swanson:Duke, can I have your autograph? I love your music. / You're mistaken, ladies. Move along.

Elderly Woman · Andy Dwyer:I thought you were just terrific. / Seriously? / You sound like Dean Martin. / If I were 50 years younger... / Ew.

Andy Dwyer:Wait, who's Dean Martin?

Andy Dwyer:If I'm not mistaken, that was the old lady version of flashing. / Nailed the gig.

Tom Haverford · Justin:Is it my fault? Did I do something wrong? / No. Seriously, this has nothing to do with you. / Can we still go suit shopping? / Of course. Armani's having a sale right now. Time to get you a pocket square.