Woman Of The Year

Coach:We need to act like adults here.

Other Coach:You're right, you're absolutely right.

Coach:Your coaching is terrible and everyone knows it.

Leslie:Wow, you two really handled that maturely. I'm so impressed by how you both communicated your feelings like adults.

Leslie:Children are our future, and we need to protect their rights to education, safety, and opportunity. We need to invest in programs that give them access to sports, arts, and activities that inspire them. Though honestly, soccer is boring as hell.

Leslie:I'll make the potato salad and you can grill the burgers.

Coach:Why would I grill the burgers?

Leslie:Because you're a man.

Coach:That's sexist.

Leslie:No it's not, it's just how things are.

Coach:You just told me to do something based solely on my gender. That's the definition of sexism.

Leslie:Hey there, little guy! How are you doing today?

Child:I'm actually a girl.

Leslie:Oh my gosh, I am so sorry! Of course you are. You're such a beautiful young man.

Child:You just did it again.

Leslie:Okay, well, I think I hear your mom calling you... over there... away from me.

Jerry:I was just trying to heat up some soup in the break room...

Leslie:Jerry, why is there soup all over the mail?

Jerry:I don't know! I was holding the bowl and the stack of envelopes at the same time and—

Ron:You're an idiot.

Leslie:I joined a women's organization as a child.

Leslie Knope:I can't believe Ron won the women's award!

Ron Swanson:It turns out I'm more of a woman than any of you.

Leslie Knope:That doesn't make any sense.

Ron Swanson:I have two X chromosomes, Leslie. I checked.

Leslie:Ron, your mustache is falling off.

Ron:I know.

Leslie:Ron, you're not okay.

Ron:Of course I won it. I'm Ron Swanson.

Ron:I was offered a citizen of the year award, which I promptly declined.

Ron:However, I've decided to accept it. Not because I believe in recognition or awards, but solely to mess with Leslie.

Ron:The look on her face will be worth any amount of pretentious ceremony.

Tom:Freddy, I got some good news for you.

Tom:You just got got, yo.

Tom:I'm opening my own club. I've been working on some names. What do you think of 'The Subsurface'?

Tom:Or 'Depth Charge'? 'The Mariana'? 'Crush Depth'?

Tom:I've got like fifty submarine-themed club names.

Tom:What about 'The Bistro'? Bistro is inherently classy. You could have the worst food in the world, you could serve nothing but gas station sushi and—

Tom:Actually, no, if it's called a bistro, people will think it's fancy.

Tom:Look, I'm gonna be honest with you. I didn't get into public service because I wanted to help people. I got into it because I thought it would be good for my business connections and help me network my way to success.

Freddy:$10,000.

Tom:Ten grand? That's it? I thought you were gonna ask for real money. I've spent more than that on a single lunch.

Tom:Actually, you know what, I'm gonna need to think about it.

Leslie:Okay, so here's what we're gonna do. First, we contact the President. Then we get the Supreme Court involved. Then we hire a team of lawyers, the best lawyers, maybe even go international with this thing.

Leslie:We could also start a petition, get a million signatures, maybe stage a peaceful protest right here in the Parks Department.

Leslie:I'm thinking we go on every news network. Cable, network, international broadcasting. We make this the biggest story of the year.

Jean-Ralphio:My grandfather died? That's the best news I've heard all week! I'm gonna be rich!

Jean-Ralphio:Finally, all those years of him ignoring me are gonna pay off. This is gonna be awesome!

Tom:I'm really sorry to hear about your grandfather, Jean-Ralphio.

Jean-Ralphio:Thanks, but honestly, he was a terrible person. He used to steal from me and my brother constantly.

Jean-Ralphio:My trust fund is gonna be huge. I'm gonna buy a dolphin and keep it in my pool. Then I'm gonna teach it to do backflips and shit. And then when I get tired of it, I'm gonna eat it.

April:Andy is the worst roommate. He leaves dishes everywhere, he's loud at all hours, and I'm pretty sure he's been conducting some kind of experiment with a Bag of Smells in the closet.

April:You need to stop this. It's disgusting.

Andy:April, I'm conducting a scientific experiment. This bag contains specimens from every smell in the world.

April:It contains old gym socks and a rotting sandwich.

Andy:Exactly. And look at these results. Day one: nausea. Day two: hallucinations. Day three: I'm pretty sure I can see sounds now.

Andy:My roommate is completely controlling. He monitors everything I do.

Andy:He won't let me use the microwave after 8 PM, he color-codes the refrigerator, and he has a detailed spreadsheet of whose turn it is to buy toilet paper.

Andy:But here's the thing that really gets me — every night around midnight, he goes out to the backyard with a shovel and just... digs. For hours.

Andy:I asked him what he's digging for and he just stares at me and says, 'You wouldn't understand, Andy. You don't have the vision.'

Andy:There's a hole in our backyard that's now eight feet deep and shaped like a perfect triangle. I'm pretty sure he's either burying bodies or training for some kind of weird Olympic sport.

Andy:Wait, the band broke up? Oh no!

April:Actually, we didn't break up. We just changed our name.

Andy:Oh, that's great! What's the new name?

April:Scaramouche Scaramouche Will You Do the Fandango.

Andy:That's... worse than the original name.

Andy:You're like a beautiful flower that blooms in the darkness.

April:Flowers need sunlight to bloom.

Andy:I know, it's poetic.

April:It's not poetic, it's botanically incorrect.

Ron:Leslie, you realize you're in a women's organization, right? That's like me joining a group called 'Guys Who Think Government is a Waste of Money' and then being surprised when they don't want to help me fix a pothole.

Ron:What was that project you were working on? The Pawnee... the Pawnee...

Leslie:The Pawnee Commons?

Ron:Yes, the Pawnee Commons. I was very close.

Ron:I appreciate the gesture, but I have to be honest - I didn't earn this award on my own merits.

Ron:Leslie made me look good enough to win it.

Leslie:Look, little boy, I know you're upset about the field, but—

Child:I'm a girl.

Leslie:Yes, yes, of course you are. Now, as I was saying, sweetie...

Tom:You know, a dress code is like life. You gotta follow the rules, but you also gotta make it work for you. That's why I'm wearing this Tom Ford suit with these Gucci loafers and this Hermès belt. I'm following the rules, but I'm doing it in style.

Leslie:I did a portrait shoot for the Pawnee newspaper. It's called IOW—Images of Women.

Ron:You mean IUD?

Leslie:No, IOW. Images of Women.

Ron:That's an intrauterine device.

Leslie:Should I hold a frying pan or a briefcase for my official portrait?

Ann:Leslie, those are both sexist stereotypes.

Leslie:I know. That's why I'm asking you to help me pick which one.

Leslie:Help me win my award!

Leslie:That's what you're doing, Barbie. You're helping me win my award.

Leslie:Ron, you won an award. Shouldn't that make you humble?

Ron:No. I won an award because I'm excellent. And everything I do is excellent. Which is why I won the award. It's a perfect circle.

April:So what are you looking for in an apartment?

Andy:Well, I need a doorman named either Frank or Steve. Those are the only two names I trust in a doorman.

April:You have a budget of like $400 a month.

Andy:Yeah, but I'm very flexible on everything else.

April:This place has a heated infinity pool, a movie theater, and a wine cellar.

Andy:Oh my god, yes! Where is it?

April:It's in the Arctic Circle and costs $47 million.

Andy:Dammit. You almost had me.

Tom:So I've been studying the investment strategies of some of the most successful entrepreneurs in America. I'm talking about the Kardashians, the Real Housewives, and Jersey Shore cast members. These people have figured out how to turn absolutely nothing into millions of dollars. That's the business model I'm going with.

Tom:We're investing... TWO HUNDRED THOUSAND DOLLARS!

Tom:Two. Hundred. Thousand. Dollars.

Tom:That's two hundred thousand dollars.

Tom:Come on, people! Mark is amazing!

Tom:Mark! Mark! Mark!

Leslie:Look at all these awards I've won!

Ron:That's... the National Association of Female Business Leaders Award. Sounds like female stuff.

Ron:I'm not sexist. I treat women exactly the same as men.

Leslie:Ron, you literally said women aren't funny.

Ron:That's not sexist, that's just an observable fact.

Leslie:Well, I have proof you respect women. You go to WNBA games.

Ron:I go to those games because the fundamentals are sound and there's no three-point line.

Leslie:Dorothy Everton Smythe was an absolute trailblazer. She was the first woman to wear pants in public on a Sunday, which was illegal at the time.

Andy:Check out this bathroom. The acoustics in here are incredible!

April:Andy, that's not a priority when choosing an apartment.

Andy:Not a priority? April, I need to be able to hear myself sing in the shower. This is non-negotiable.

Andy:I'm gonna do something today. I don't know what yet, but it's gonna be awesome.

Andy:You know what? This place screams my name.

Andy:I mean, it literally screams. I think there's a ghost. But also, it screams my name.

Tom:Okay, so picture this. You're at a club, right? And the DJ is playing all the hits. 'Turn Down for What,' 'Yeah!' You're having a great time.

Tom:But then you think to yourself, 'You know what would make this better? If I owned this club.' Well, with Rent-a-Swag, that dream can be a reality.

Tom:You could be the owner, making all the decisions, getting all the respect, all the glory.

Tom:Look, I'm just saying the club has incredible benefits. We're talking premium membership, exclusive events, networking opportunities with the city's most influential people.

Mark:Tom, no. Stop.

Tom:But Mark, you haven't even heard about the—

Mark:I said no. This is inappropriate.

Donna:I want to be an owner.

Tom:Oh, that's great! Yeah, we can make that happen.

Donna:How much is it?

Tom:Well, you'd own half of one share.

Leslie Knope:Wait, so they didn't make a mistake?

Tom Haverford:No, they deliberately chose a man for a women's award.

Admits women's achievements get no attention

Ron:I appreciate the gesture, but I can't accept an award for women in government. I'm a man.

Leslie:Ron, just accept it like a man.

Ron:...that's the entire point I'm making.

Leslie:This is absolutely ridiculous! Do you know what Ron Swanson said to me? He said women are just as capable as men. Ron Swanson! An actual feminist!

Ron:I said no such thing.

Leslie:You're right, you're worse. You actually meant it.

Leslie:I'm not going to pull any punches.

Leslie:I'm going to extend my punches with my fists.

Jean-Ralphio:Yo, check it out. I'm gonna open a club where we just dance real close and grind on each other all night long. I'll call it 'Pelvic Thrust.' We'll have a DJ booth shaped like a giant butt.

Donna:Jean-Ralphio, that sounds like a lawsuit waiting to happen.

Jean-Ralphio:Nah nah nah, check out my rap: 'My name is Jean-Ralphio and I'm here to say, I do the pelvic thrust in a major way.' *does inappropriate dance move* Treat yo' self!

Jean-Ralphio:Donna, Donna, Donna. I got a business opportunity that's gonna change your life.

Donna:No.

Jean-Ralphio:You didn't even hear what it is!

Donna:I don't care. I hate you.

Tom:Whoa, Donna, that's harsh.

Donna:No it's not. I've hated him since high school.

Andy:I only have two generic inspirational lines I reuse in every song. 'Believe in yourself' and 'The sky's the limit.' That's it. That's the whole songbook.

Ron:Leslie asked me to say some words about why awards are meaningless and corrupt institutions that—actually, you know what? Awards are great. They're wonderful. I love them. I have several at home that I've given myself, and I display them proudly. Leslie, congratulations on your award. You deserve it.

Ron:I'm giving this award away. It's called the Dottie English Whatever.

Leslie:Ron, you deserve this award.

Ron:Absolutely not. Leslie, you take it.

Leslie:No, no, no. I insist. You earned this.

Ron:I earned nothing. You're taking it.

Leslie:Ron, please. I'm begging you.

Ron:You please. I'm begging you.

Andy:I gave Tom all my money to invest. He's like the Warren Buffay of our friend group.

Tom:Donna? What are you doing here?

Donna:I'm an investor now. I bought in after your pitch.

Tom:Wait, you invested? How much?

Donna:More than you.