The Possum

Valentine's Day was a month ago. / Why are you giving it to me now? / Whatever. Happy early Valentine's Day.

This is one of those nanny-cam teddy bears, isn't it? / What? No. It's a regular, camera-less teddy bear.

Just put it in your bedroom, don't even think about it. It's a robot bear. It's programmed to snuggle!

I'll take it. / Donna, there's a camera in it. / I know.

Can I read your mail? / No. Please, don't. / Fine.

Don't let Tom make a copy. / That's right. Good.

I've seen the way she takes care of her house.

I don't like Ann. / Become friends. Who knows?

I've always dreamed of you. / Excuse me? / Meeting you.

Fairway Frank is this awful possum who lives near the sixth hole... he's actually number three on the Parks Department's Most Wanted Pest List

right behind the bats, who like to poop on the bell tower, and Poopy, the raccoon who poops all over the high school cafeteria

Let's be honest. Animal Control is not the most effective branch of our government. They're a bunch of burned-out morons.

Ma'am, the next time we speak, we shall be dancing on the grave of a possum.

Right this way is the exit.

Yo, police! / No, you're not. Coffee!

I only ever bring you coffee. / And it is my very favorite non-alcoholic hot drink, except for hot tea. And hot orange juice, weirdly delicious.

I got a really bad case of shoeshine head today.

It's when you shine too many shoes and the fumes create a thunderstorm in your brain.

Cures include coffee, cheeseburgers

and napping on the floor.

You don't have any code violations, do you? / [Long pause] / Nope.

We'll get to it first thing Monday. / Today's Wednesday.

We're acting under direct orders from Mayor Gunderson's dog.

That would be Harris and Brett. / But they're not here. / Isn't that them, there? / Nope.

Want your ball back? Come with me. / Oh, man! / How you know my name, homie?

I used to love Tiger Woods because he was a great champion. But after that sex scandal? The man is a god!

You are the first non-me to set foot in this building in 10 years.

Sure it is. It's up to the Swanson Code.

It's the same liberty that gives me the right to fart in my own car. Are you gonna tell a man that he can't fart in his own car?

This says it should be recharged June of 1996. / Those dates are arbitrary. They're like those expiration dates that the government forces companies to put on yogurt and medicine.

How long do you think it would take me to learn golf, Leslie? / I could teach you... / Yeah, I don't want to do all that. I think I just want some of those dope pants.

Move! Get out of the way!

Come on, Brendanawicz, relax. Let me make you a canoe.

Andy will come in to... / Andy! / I got it!

You're next, Poopy.

Please, my friends call me Andy Radical. / No, we don't.

By day, Andy Dwyer, shoeshine-ist. By a different time of day, Andy Radical, possum tackler. And by night, I do whatever I want. No job.

How about an extra recycling can? No. Laminated bus pass? No. / What time do you usually go to sleep? Because my best ideas usually come to me at night.

Am I sure the possum we caught is Fairway Frank? Yes. Am I quite sure? No. Am I sure enough? Maybe.

As a city official, it's important that I ask myself a lot of questions. Does doing so help me make decisions? Uh...

And then afterwards, had sex with Mark and everyone talked about it.

So, I thought to myself, 'Don't think, Andy, act.' / So, you weren't thinking? / Not at all. I cannot emphasize enough how little I was thinking.

You know what? 'Friends' sounds stupid. Colleagues.

They are bad at sharing, but they are good at tag.

I broke up with Ann. Yeah. Shortly after she kicked me out and told me we wouldn't be together anymore.

Of all the things I thought would bring us back together, catching a possum was never on that list.

Seriously, man, when you wear these clothes, you just feel better than everyone else. You know? / Yeah.

Ooh. Tommy needs a banana. You guys good?

Ooh. Silly me. There was this little pom-pom on my glove and it fell off. Have you seen it? Could you help me look for it real quick?

Fairway Frank / You're gonna die / You're gonna fry, oh, yeah / You guilty son of a bitch / You're gonna fry / When they flip that switch

Hypothetically, if you were going on a mission to, say, catch a guilty whale...

Not because I'm pissed at Andy, which I'm not. Because I care so deeply about possums. / Because they're so adorable.

I think I nailed it. I fell off the stool once when I was trying to look serious, but I'm okay.

Man, our happy reactions are super different.

Mr. Campopiano, those are photos of three different possums. / Huh.

Can you do that, April? April, can you do that? Can you get the possum out of here? Can you sneak it out of here? April, can you do it? Can you do it? Please, April, tell me you can do it!

I can't kill the possum, because it might be innocent. I can't let the possum go, because it might be guilty. I can't make a good soup, can't do a handstand in a pool, can't spell the word 'lieutenant.'

Help! Help, my arm looks like it's bleeding! / Holy cow! Leslie! / Oh, boy. Oh, look how much it's bleeding. Everybody look at it. Everybody look over here!

It's ketchup! / Is it? / Jerry. Jerry. Yes. It's ketchup.

Baby meerkats do not start foraging for food until about one month old.

Does he want to have sex with a dead possum? / No! No. He's not a monster.

He wants to stuff it and hang it above the urinal in his office bathroom so that little flecks of pee can get on it forever.

And I will not reveal his location, no matter how much you ask me. But I'm going to stop talking now because I'm afraid I may accidentally say where it is, so please go.

But security footage later revealed that it was actually a goose. / That's great. / No, it's awful, Tom. How would you feel if you killed an innocent duck and let a vicious goose waddle free?

The possum got loose at Ann's house.

It must love tacky pictures of flowers.

Those city planning guys can be real pains in the ass. / Okay. I just want you to know that I still don't think city codes... / Ron, shut up.

And if the Swanson Code happens to overlap with the City Government Code... / Shut up.

What if it laid eggs in the bed?

He's gonna be pissed at me. I already ruined his big day, and it's my fault that it's in Ann's house, who he's obviously still in love with.

Oh. April. / He'll forgive you. / You think so? / Yeah.

And, April, any time you want to talk about boys... / Oh, my God! Stop!

'I wouldn't have been able to do it without an early-morning caffeine boost from the amazing April Ludgate. She gave me the liquid courage I needed to wrestle that beast to the ground.'

And I want to be wearing a huge, beautiful, blue hat!

Possum. There was a possum. We captured a possum and we brought it into your house and it got out and it might have laid eggs in your bed.

And it went into your laundry and your kitchen, and it touched all your bras and I'm so sorry. It's our fault.

April, run! / Run, April. Sorry, Ann! I love you!