Park Safety

No, they don't win a hummingbird. I installed hummingbird feeders in all the parks, so the winner gets to refill those feeders.

Scientifically, hummingbirds are the world's cutest animals. I mean, they're so small. And they have tiny beaks. And they only eat sugar water. I mean, what beats that?

Come on. Baby monkeys in diapers? Yeah. They do.

Not me. Not me. Not me. Not me. Jerry. Yeah!

This is my third time in a row. Just a bad luck streak, buddy. Next time, I'm sure it will definitely be one of us. But it won't be me. Because I always write...

No, I always write my own name. But just to be safe, I do add 20 extra 'Jerry's.

I thought Freddy Spaghetti OD'd. No. That's Mr. Funny Noodle. And he didn't OD, his drummer shot him.

Maybe he fell into the toilet. Remember when he fell into the toilet?

Oh, sorry, guys. Sorry I'm late. I got confused and took a shower, after I got dressed, because I'm Jerry.

A 'schlemiel' is the guy who spills soup at a fancy party. A 'schlimazel' is the guy he spills it on. Jerry is both the 'schlemiel' and the 'schlimazel' of our office.

And then I put my underwear on my head instead of my butt.

Okay. Okay, guys. That's enough. Unless somebody has another good one.

Jerry, are you okay? Ann, is Jerry okay? What's wrong with your arm? Ann, tell me what's wrong with Jerry's arm. Jerry, talk to me. Ann, get Jerry to talk to me.

Why? Did you throw out your shoulder trying to swing a honey pot off your hand?

Ew! Is that code for some kind of weird sex act? Lord Sheldon is my dog. My wife named him. Ew!

How did you counter-attack? Fist to the throat? Did you hit him in the beanbag? There's no shame in attacking a criminal's beanbag.

No, I just curled up and laid still until they left. Well, that's another way to play it.

If even one of them had a unique scar, we got them. I didn't get a good look. Damn it, Jerry. Sorry. You're the victim. Sorry. Sorry.

Wouldn't it be karma if we were the ones that got mugged? Yeah. That's how pathetic Jerry is. He can't even get karma right.

Our friend got mugged this morning. And we will not let that happen in vain. He doesn't have a black eye. Well, frankly, the whole department has a black eye.

Jerry's face is the symbol of failure. Our failure to keep the parks safe.

So, when you say that you want me to check in with the police liaison, you mean hook up with him, right? No. Just check in with him.

We certainly are a bunch of weaklings. Especially Tom. I am not a weakling. Arm wrestle me right now.

I think I'm more than holding my own here... Three, four, five... Hey. Six. Hey! How you doing? Not too bad.

The black guy with the Looney Tunes ties? I love him. No. Jerry who works with Leslie.

That Jerry? Yeah. He got mugged? Oh. Well, I mean, that's kind of a bummer, too.

Scrotation Marks. I don't know what you're talking about, but my gut says no.

How are people going to become fans if they literally don't know the name of the band they're listening to?

The problem is, when you're his girlfriend, you're also his mother, and his maid and his nurse. He's completely helpless. He's like a baby in a straightjacket.

Ooh! 'Baby in a Straightjacket.' That's a good band name. I should tell him that.

Ha-ha, guys. Really funny. Where's the real banner? We only had an hour. So did I. Look what I did.

Really. My gosh, you should not have gone to all this trouble. Oh. It's no trouble for our buddy.

He needs a lot of support. Tom. Talking about a bra for a man.

Jerry? I don't... I don't think your computer is plugged in. I'm sorry, guys. Just got to power up.

You went on a vacation and you chose Muncie, Indiana? Yeah. My wife and I have a time-share. In Muncie? Tom, Muncie is a lovely city.

I said 'twout' instead of 'trout.' It happens to everyone. My marbles are full of mouth today.

Is it hot in here? I feel hot. Are you guys hot? How you guys doing? I'm good. You guys got any snacks?

I wanted to read the book first, but then I realized there's no book version of Avatar.

I was wearing this t-shirt that said 'Kiss me, I'm Irish.' But no one would kiss me.

Well, you might not be so confident once you've walked a mile in my size sevens. Kind of small feet. Actually, seven is the worldwide average. Boom!

In the scenario you just laid out, you're the pervert. You understand that, right?

There was this one, How Far is Too Far Enough: The Teri Palliber Lonergan Story. This woman had agoraphobia and her therapist was obsessed with her, and he hid in her house. And then he attacked her and tried to eat her toes. Also, her daughter was having sex way too young.

Oh! What's up now, mugger? Ann, that was awesome. That was really good.

And after that, I'm going to show you this log I found. It's got, like, fifty worms on it. I call it 'worm log.'

When I was a kid, my parents used to make me hang out in the backyard a lot and just run around until I got tired. But if there's any criminals out there watching, I never get tired. And ladies, too.

The first one got pushed into the creek by some kids. The second one, raccoons got onto. There was urine everywhere. And the third one was recently stolen. What's this one? This is the second one. The raccoon piss one.

Oh. That's Tom, probably. Are you serious? Tom, can you get off, please? Just run alongside the cart, okay?

But just promise me you'll be ready, because, I mean, I don't want to destroy you.

Andy. [implied unconscious/defeated state]

With budget cuts, we can't afford a single safety light. There's been 10 assaults already this year. Wow. Really? Can't you station a Park Ranger out here? We have! Who do you think they're assaulting?

You guys have got to slow down. Can I just take a rest for a minute? No, Tom. Sorry. No can do. Sun's going down and it's real dangerous out here.

Sorry I squeezed your lights out there, son. No worries. Will you show me how to do that move, though?

This is my co-worker, Jerry Gergich. Diabetic. Sloppily out of shape. Friend.

Who's next? Your frumpy uncle? Your simple neighbor? Your unpopular co-worker?

So... Make sure you bring the doofus who got his ass kicked. I don't know who you're referring to. We treat everyone with respect around here.

He can't talk right now because he has hysterical muteness from trauma. Correct.

And Lord Sheldon... He lunged at a bird, I dropped the burrito, and it landed on a log in the creek. So, I go to reach for it, I lose my balance, and I fall on my shoulder really weird.

Damn, Jerry! You jumped in a creek for a burrito? What would you do for a Klondike Bar? Kill your wife?

Oh! Hey! Ann Perkins, in the 'shoe-shouse.'

I got you one of those veggie muffins that you're always eating. Score. Yeah. It tastes like a rug. Shut up. Don't hit me.

Since when did he start doing stuff for other people? Now, I actually am worried that something happened to his brain.

A citizen handed in a very interesting home video that I think the people of Pawnee will find very interesting.

There he is. This is my favorite part. Not willing to share with a dog.

Fine. I'll have sex with you in exchange for the tape. That's not what I am saying. Okay?

I finally saw Avatar and I thought it lived up to the hype. Well, I'm not sure what that has to do with the mugging. Uh... Leslie. Counterpoint. I disagree with Carl. Okay. I have seen Avatar as well, and I think it exceeded the hype.

Do you know that I bumped a cat that can stand up on its hinders for you? You disgust me, Knope. Get out of my sight. Yes, ma'am. Go. Go on. Oh, no, no, no. Don't make me chase you.

This is the only copy, and I am going to destroy it. Right after I watch it one more time. I'm sorry, but it is so good.

We should just directly apply the food to your clothes.

Because two more years until I retire with full benefits and pension. And the wife and I, we have bought a little cottage on a lake. And I am going to get myself a stack of mystery novels, a box of cigars, and I am going to sit back and enjoy my life.

Do you want the salmon or the 'twout'? Twout! Twout! Twout! Twout!