Park Safety

Leslie:They just win the chore of refilling feeders

Leslie:Hummingbirds are scientifically the cutest animal. It's been proven. Their little wings go so fast they're basically just a blur of adorableness, and their beaks are like tiny swords of cuteness.

Leslie:Okay, fine. Baby monkeys in diapers. You win.

Leslie:Okay, everyone, we need someone to handle the hummingbird feeders this week.

Tom:Not me. I'm allergic to nature.

April:I'd rather eat glass.

Donna:Child, please.

Ron:I don't do birds. They're plotting something.

Ben:I would, but I have that... thing.

Jerry:I'll do it.

Leslie:Really? That's so nice of you, Jerry!

Jerry:Well, I always seem to—

Everyone:Great, thanks Jerry!

Jerry:—end up with the worst jobs anyway.

Tom:Hey Jerry, I heard about your bad luck. That's rough, man. I'm really sorry to hear that.

Jerry:Thanks, Tom. I appreciate that.

Tom:Yeah, no problem. Hey, you know what? I'm gonna go stand over there. Far away from you. Because I don't want any of that bad luck rubbing off on me.

Jerry:I have a system. I only play numbers that have never won before.

Jerry:That way, they're due. It's basic math.

Jerry:So I bought 500 extra tickets with those numbers to increase my odds.

Jerry:Then I realized I didn't want to win because everyone would know I'm an idiot.

Tom:Did you hear about that children's entertainer who overdosed?

Leslie:Oh my God, no. Who?

Tom:Actually, I was wrong. It wasn't an overdose. It was Alfredo.

Leslie:What?

Tom:Alfredo the puppet. He drowned in a vat of his own sauce.

April:Where's Jerry?

Ron:Probably in the bathroom. Again.

April:What is it with him and toilets?

Ron:I don't ask questions I don't want answered.

Tom:I can't go to the meeting, I just got dressed.

Tom:I'm gonna shower now.

Tom:A schlemiel is someone who's always getting into accidents. A schlimazel is someone who always has bad luck. And Jerry? Jerry is both.

Tom:He's a schlemiel-schlimazel. He trips and falls into a hole, and somehow the hole was already there because of something he did last week.

Tom:Wait, wait, wait. So you're telling me that the thing you wear on your feet is called a 'shoe'? Like, one shoe?

Jerry:Yes, Tom, that's what a shoe is.

Tom:But then what do you call it when you have two of them?

Jerry:Shoes. Plural.

Tom:That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard. Why would you make the plural the same as the singular? That's not how English works.

Leslie:Okay, everyone, I need to say something. Jerry is a valued member of this department, and I think we should all show him some respect.

Leslie:He works hard, he's dedicated, and frankly, it's not his fault that he's a walking disaster.

Leslie:Oh my God, Jerry, are you okay? What happened?

Jerry:I'm fine, I just tripped on the—

Leslie:Ben! BEN! Call an ambulance! Jerry's dying!

Ben:Leslie, he's standing up.

Leslie:He's in shock, Ben! Jerry, don't listen to him, you're in shock!

Jerry:I really am okay—

Leslie:And now he's in denial! This is worse than I thought!

Jerry · Leslie:No, I just curled up and laid still until they left. / Well, that's another way to play it.

Tom:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Lord Sheldon? What is that?

Jerry:It's my dog.

Tom:Oh my God. I don't want to hear about that.

Jerry:What? He's a rescue. I named him after Sheldon Cooper.

Tom:Still don't want to hear it.

Andy:So Jerry, you know self-defense?

Jerry:Well, I've taken a few classes...

Andy:Okay, so if someone attacks you, what do you do?

Jerry:I... I try to get away.

Andy:Right, but like, what if they're coming at you with a knife?

Jerry:I'd run.

Andy:What if they're coming at you with a knife AND they're on roller skates?

Jerry:I... I don't know.

Andy:What if they're on roller skates and they're also on fire?

Jerry:Andy, I don't think—

Andy:And they've got like five knives, and they're screaming about burritos? Well, the only way to defend yourself is to grab them by the beanbag.

Jerry:The beanbag?

Andy:You know, their beanbag.

Jerry:A guy came up to me on the street and said 'Give me your wallet.' So I just gave it to him.

Andy:Well, I guess that's one way to handle it.

Leslie:Jerry, I need you to describe the person who hit your car.

Jerry:Well, he was tall. Or maybe average height. I'm not great with heights.

Leslie:Okay, anything else? Hair color?

Jerry:Could've been brown. Or black. Or possibly blonde. It was hard to tell with the sun.

Leslie:It was 9 PM, Jerry!

Leslie:I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Are you okay? Do you need anything?

Tom:You think this is karma? For how we treat Jerry?

April:No, Jerry's so pathetic that he absorbs other people's karma. He's like a karma sponge. We've been mean to him for years, so he's probably carrying around all of our negative energy.

Tom:That's not how karma works.

April:Well, nothing about Jerry makes sense, so why should his karma?

Leslie:We can't let what happened to me be in vain. This mugging has to mean something. We have to turn this tragedy into action.

Tom:Okay, so we're gonna catch the guy who mugged you?

Leslie:No, Tom. Metaphorically. We're going to fight back against crime in this city.

Tom:Oh. Because I was about to say, the police are already doing that.

Leslie:We need to make this mugging symbolic of something bigger. A cautionary tale about the dangers of Pawnee.

Jerry:I appreciate that, Leslie, but I'm just a guy who got mugged.

Leslie:Exactly! You're the everyman. The symbol of our city's vulnerability.

Jerry:So what does that make me?

Leslie:You're the face of failure, Jerry. The living, breathing emblem of what's wrong with Pawnee.

April:So you want me to go through all the old Parks Department files and organize them by date?

Leslie:Yes, exactly. It's a big project, but I know you can handle it.

April:And this doesn't involve me seducing anyone?

Leslie:What? No. Why would it?

April:I don't know. Seemed like all your assignments lately have been about getting people together or going on romantic adventures.

Ron:You're all weaklings.

Tom:Oh, I'm a weakling? I challenge you to an arm-wrestling match right now.

Ron:You're on.

Tom:I can take you. I've been working out.

Ron:Alright.

Ron:One. Two. Three.

Ron:You know, I've been thinking about getting into woodworking. Four. Five.

Ron:Really focus on hand-crafted furniture. Six. Seven.

Ron:Eight. Nine. Ten.

Chris:Wait, which Jerry are we talking about?

Ann:Jerry Gergich. From the Parks Department.

Chris:Oh! I thought you meant Jerry Garcia.

Ann:No, our Jerry.

Chris:Yeah, I know. I just... Jerry Garcia is a lot more popular.

Chris:Oh, Jerry.

Andy:What about 'The Awesome Possum'?

Ann:No.

Ann:Wait, your band is called Scarecrow Boat? How is that a good name?

Andy:What? It's awesome!

Ann:Andy, nobody's going to search for 'Scarecrow Boat' on the internet.

Ann:Andy is like a baby in a straightjacket. He doesn't know what's happening, he has no control over the situation, and he's definitely going to hurt himself.

Ann:You're such a doofus.

Ann:Wait, that would be a great band name.

Jerry:What is this?

Leslie:Well, I made you a banner too. I had the same amount of time as everyone else.

Leslie:Look how professional it is.

Jerry:Thank you all so much for the banner. It means a lot.

Tom:Yeah, well, we wanted to do something special for you, Jerry. You know, really go the extra mile.

Leslie:Jerry needs our support right now.

Tom:Yeah, he definitely needs a bra.

Jerry:Okay, everyone, if I could just get this projector to work...

Leslie:Jerry, you've been standing there for five minutes.

Jerry:I know, I know, just... there we go!

Jerry:Oh no, the laptop's not... it's not connecting.

Leslie:Did you try turning it off and on again?

Jerry:I don't know what that means.

Tom:Wait, you went to Muncie, Indiana for vacation?

Jerry:It's a beautiful place!

Leslie:Actually, Muncie has a rich history. It was a center of American manufacturing and—

Tom:Leslie, it's Muncie. There's nothing there.

Jerry:My wife and I had a wonderful time at the Radisson.

Tom:Of course you did.

Jerry:I meant to say 'paradigm,' not 'parody-dime.' It's a common... um... misconstrual.

Ben:Did you just make up another word?

Jerry:No, I said it perfectly. You're all just not listening with your ear-holes.

Carl:Yeah, so I've been thinking about the budget proposal, and I got some ideas, but first let me tell you about this dream I had where I was a pelican, and I could fly, but my wings kept getting tangled in spaghetti...

Leslie:Carl, we really need to focus on the actual numbers here.

Carl:Right, right, yeah. So the numbers... they're like, really big, right? Some of them have commas in them. I don't trust commas. Who decided that commas go in numbers? It's weird.

Tom:Is he okay?

Carl:I'm great! I'm excellent. Hey, did you guys know that mayonnaise is an instrument? Wait, no, that's not right...

Carl:I watched Avatar on my phone. It was terrible.

Carl:All the blue people were squished.

Carl:I tried to wear green on St. Patrick's Day once. My wife said I looked like a leprechaun that had given up on life.

Andy · Ron:Ron, do you think that maybe I should put Mark in a headlock? That way, I can show everyone how to escape a pervert. / In the scenario you just laid out, you're the pervert. You understand that, right?

Ron:I'm not going to put Mark in a headlock. That would give him the impression that I like him.

Donna:I've watched a lot of Lifetime movies. I know things. Like, if a woman suddenly inherits a bakery in a small town right before Christmas, she's going to fall in love with the guy who runs the general store. He'll have a daughter from a previous relationship, and there will be a big misunderstanding at the Christmas pageant, but they'll work it out by the time they're decorating gingerbread houses together.

Donna:Also, if a woman books a spa weekend and the spa is actually a front for an international diamond smuggling ring run by her estranged twin sister, she's going to have to use her pilates instructor skills as a weapon.

Donna:And if a woman wins a trip to an all-inclusive resort, the resort owner will turn out to be her college sweetheart who faked his own death to start a new life, and she'll have to decide between her current fiancé and this guy who's now also engaged to the resort's activities coordinator.

Andy:That was amazing! You're like a ninja!

Ann:Thanks, Andy.

Andy:Okay, now let's work on your upper body strength.

Carl:I found this log full of worms and I named it Carl Junior because it's a smaller version of me.

Carl:I grew up in a very small town. My father left when I was three days old. My mother worked two jobs just to keep a roof over our heads. We didn't have much, but we had each other.

Carl:Now I'm basically a warrior. I can hunt, I can fish, I can fight. I'm very strong.

Carl:You know, you have very nice skin. Has anyone ever told you that?

Carl:We've been having some equipment problems at the Parks Department.

Leslie:What kind of problems?

Carl:Well, our main equipment cart got damaged, so we've been using the backup cart.

Leslie:The backup cart? That should be fine.

Carl:Yeah, well, that one got soaked in urine.

Leslie:What? How did that happen?

Carl:A raccoon got into it last week. So now we're using the second backup cart.

Leslie:Okay, and what's wrong with that one?

Carl:That's the urine-soaked one we're currently using.

Leslie:Carl, this cart is too heavy. Someone needs to get off and run alongside.

Carl:I'll do it.

Leslie:No, no. Tom, you should probably—

Tom:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why me?

Ron:Andy, I'm going to demonstrate a proper chokehold on you.

Andy:Whoa, whoa, whoa. Ron, I don't think you should do that to me. You could really hurt yourself.

Ron:Andy.

Leslie:Did you know that park rangers are assaulted more often than any other federal employee?

Carl:No, I didn't know that.

Leslie:Yeah, it's a huge problem. We need to do something about it.

Carl:Well, maybe they should stop assaulting people.

Tom:Can we take a break? My feet are killing me.

Carl:No breaks during park patrol, Tom. We need to stay vigilant.

Tom:Carl, come on. Just five minutes?

Carl:Tom, you're standing on a rattlesnake.

Ron:I'm sorry. That was too rough.

Andy:No, that was awesome! Teach me that move!

Leslie:This is Jerry Gergich, our Parks Department deputy director. He's incompetent, accident-prone, and somehow manages to mess up the simplest tasks on a daily basis. But he's a good friend.

Leslie:Look, park safety is a serious issue. We need to identify the hazards and eliminate them.

Leslie:For example, we have someone who's constantly tripping over things, breaking things, and creating a mess wherever they go.

Leslie:We also have someone who's always making mistakes, wasting taxpayer money, and generally being a burden on the department.

Leslie:And don't even get me started on the person who shows up late, leaves early, and somehow always manages to screw things up.

Leslie:So if we can just remove these hazards from the park, I think we'll see a dramatic improvement in safety.

Jerry:Wait... are you talking about me?

Leslie:What? No! ...Actually, all three of those things are kind of you.

Paul:You're being a doofus.

Leslie:Hey, you can't call him that. I call him that, but you can't.

Leslie:Jerry has a very rare condition where he can't speak in public. It's called... um... Selective Mutism Disorder.

Jerry:That's right.

Jerry:Well, I was walking to my car, and I tripped over the curb. Then I fell into a ditch. Then a raccoon attacked me. Then I crawled out of the ditch, and a bus hit me. Then I crawled back into the ditch to get away from the bus, and that's when I broke my leg.

Tom:A burrito? That's it? I once saw a guy eat a burrito so big, it required two hands and a forklift.

Jerry:That's impossible.

Tom:Not impossible. I was there. It was like that Old El Paso commercial where the girl is like 'Why not both?' Except the guy was like 'Why not all of them?' And then he died.

Andy:Welcome to the Shoe-shine stand! Or as I like to call it... the Shoe-Ann!

Andy:This muffin is stale.

Andy:I'm sorry, I'm sorry! Please don't hurt me!

Ann:Andy, I'm really concerned about you. You've been so nice to April lately. Have you been taking something? Should I be checking your pupils or running some blood work?

Carl:I have a video that proves you're lying.

Jerry:What? No, I'm not lying!

Carl:Interesting. Interesting. Interesting.

Carl:This is footage from the North Street intersection. As you can see, a man matching Jerry's description is being mugged.

Jerry:That's me!

Carl:Wait, there's more footage from later that evening.

Carl:The man, now identified as Jerry Gergich, is chasing his dog Pui-Pui near Ramsett Creek.

Carl:The dog has what appears to be a burrito in its mouth. Jerry attempts to retrieve it.

Carl:And... he falls in the creek.

Leslie:Carl, I need a favor. What do you want in return?

Carl:Well, I don't know. What are you offering?

Leslie:I could sleep with you.

Carl:Avatar is overrated. The dialogue is wooden, the characters are one-dimensional, and the whole thing is just Dances with Wolves in space.

Leslie:Wow. Okay. That is... that is a controversial take. But you know what? I respect that. I think what Carl is saying is that we need to have more diverse opinions in Hollywood about big budget sci-fi films, and I for one think that's a conversation worth having.

Host:I'm furious about that Avatar segment! We bumped a cat act for that!

Host:You know what? Treat her like a dog. Roll over!

Leslie:Okay!

Leslie:I'm going to destroy this video immediately. I'm not going to watch it or enjoy it or... okay, I'm watching it again.

Leslie:It never gets old. Jerry failing at basic human tasks.

Tom:Just skip the eating step entirely. Go straight to the bathroom.

Jerry:You know, I've thought about this a lot. When I retire, I'm going to have a nice little house downstate, maybe do some light woodworking, spend time with my family. And honestly? I'm gonna be happier than I've ever been.

Jerry:So all those jokes, all those years of people making fun of me at this office? It doesn't matter. Because I'll be the one laughing when I'm living my best life and you're all still here dealing with each other.

April:Hey Jerry, where do you want to go for lunch? Some kind of... gazpacho?

Tom:Gazpacho!

Ben:Gazpacho!

Donna:Gazpacho!

Jerry:It's gazpacho...

Ron:Gazpacho.

Anchor/TV Producer:Do you know that I bumped a cat that can stand up on its hinders for you?

Leslie:I am part of a great team. And sometimes, the best way to maintain a strong team is just by letting someone know that he is still a part of it. / This is the only copy, and I am going to destroy it. / Right after I watch it one more time. / I'm sorry, but it is so good.

Tom · Jerry · Tom:I got you a peppermint latte. / Seriously? My goodness. I love a peppermint... / I know.

Colleague:We should just directly apply the food to your clothes.

Tom:Making fun of Jerry is back!

Jerry:They can laugh at me all they want. Because two more years until I retire with full benefits and pension. And the wife and I, we have bought a little cottage on a lake. And I am going to get myself a stack of mystery novels, a box of cigars, and I am going to sit back and enjoy my life.

April · Office:Hey, Jerry? April was just double-checking the lunch order. Do you want the salmon or the 'twout'? / Twout! Twout! Twout! Twout!