Jean-Ralphio Saperstein

Tom Haverford · Ron Swanson · Jean-Ralphio:Tom introduces Jean-Ralphio: 'His name is Jean-Ralphio.' Ron: 'Jean-Ralphio!' Jean-Ralphio: 'Big T.'

Jean-Ralphio · Ron Swanson:Jean-Ralphio to Ron: 'Mr. Swanson, two things. One, it is an absolute honor to meet you. Two, who is that hot intern chick out there? Because honestly, damn!'

Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio's pitch to Ron: 'For starters, access to the illest clubs... I'll be on you 24/7. I'll be like your family. I'm here when you get here in the morning. Sure enough, I'll be there tucking you into bed at night. Don't worry, it's not gay.'

Leslie Knope · Ann Perkins · Jean-Ralphio · Tom Haverford:Leslie tries repeatedly to say 'Hey, Ann' and get Ann's attention while Jean-Ralphio interrupts — 'Jean-Ralphio. Big T! What it do, nephew?'

Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio: 'Hit me with it, daddy.' — responding to Tom's investment pitch

Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio: '...my grandfather just died, so I am flush with cash!'

Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio: 'No worries. He was a dick.'

Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio's trust fund situation: 'I don't get anything until I'm 50, which is a waste, 'cause I'm gonna be a billionaire in Costa Rica by then, eating dolphins and hanging out with lady singers.'

Jean-Ralphio · Donna:Jean-Ralphio's pitch to Donna: 'Let's seal this devil's three-way right here, right now. Step one, we buy into this club. Step two, we roll over to the club, either in your Mercedes Benz or my pre-owned Acura Legend. Step three, I dagger you on the dance floor.'

Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio breaks into song: 'Just bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce / Now, all the ladies say it / Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce'

Jean-Ralphio · Donna Meagle:What do you say, sexy? / I'm out. / Why? / I hate that guy.

Jean-Ralphio · Tom:Jean-Ralphio greets Tom with 'Lookin' hot, big T' followed by performing a little song/dance: '♪ throw them bones ♪'

Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio's story about waiting outside a woman's house for five days: 'Turns out it was the wrong house. She loved the story anyway. We got to third base. Over the pants.'

Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio frantically searching the bar demanding 'Did I give you a bottlecap? Excuse me. Did I give you a bottlecap?' / 'Who the [bleep] did I give a bottlecap to?'

Tom · Jean-Ralphio:Tom brings in Jean-Ralphio as a best man speech 'expert.' Jean-Ralphio's advice: 'Start with a joke. Joke, Vince Vaughn quote — obviously. Swingers? Crashers? Fred Claus. Talk about Andy's ex-girlfriends. Quote from Love Actually. Hold back your tears. Pause. Drop the microphone. Get out of that bitch.'

Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio pitches turning a Gulfstream G-IV jet (with wheels removed) into an apartment building so 'people could live inside their own private jet'

Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio: 'I made my money the old-fashioned way. I got run over by a Lexus.'

Tom · Jean-Ralphio:Tom and Jean-Ralphio count down to say their shared thought simultaneously — Jean-Ralphio says 'spectacles' while Tom says '...spectacles' a beat late

Jean-Ralphio · Tom:Jean-Ralphio names his company 'Entertainment 7Twenty' because 'you're willing to go around the world twice for your clients' — 2 × 360 = 720

Jean-Ralphio · Tom:Jean-Ralphio tells Tom he needs him on his team and 'can't do this without you' — then immediately says 'Okay, I'll do it without you' when Tom hesitates for two seconds

Jean-Ralphio · Ann:Jean-Ralphio is shocked to hear Li'l Sebastian died, then speculates: 'Like tendonitis?' when Ann mentions the horse 'had a lot of ailments'

Jean-Ralphio · Ann:Ann: 'I don't have his chart in front of me.' Jean-Ralphio: 'Could you get it?' Ann: 'What? No... There's no chart.' Jean-Ralphio: 'Oh, my God. Death is inescapable. Goodbye, Ann Perkins.'

Jean-Ralphio:'Not only was Coconut a friend, but she was also a lover. Our deepest sympathy is with you.' Then: 'Coconut just took a dump on the stage. We gotta clean that up. Code red. Coconut just took a dump onstage.'

Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio's intro to the Entertainment 7Twenty video presentation: 'Hope you brought a change of clothes. 'Cause your eyes are about to piss tears. You nasty.'

Jean-Ralphio:The memorial video montage poses deep philosophical questions — 'Who are we? Where are we going in life? What is the meaning of all of this?' — and answers: 'These are questions Li'l Sebastian never had to answer because he was a horse.'

Tom · Jean-Ralphio:Tom pitching the company to Jean-Ralphio while the memorial video plays: 'I'm the bank. You're the money.' Jean-Ralphio: 'I'm Thelma, you're Louise. You can't die full of regret.' Tom: 'Why don't you live your life like that cow from the video?' Jean-Ralphio: 'He was a horse.'

Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio talking-head: 'Yeah, I think we can do that for a million. Okay, we'll talk soon.' Then: 'There was no one on the other end of that phone call, but soon there will be.'

Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio tours the Entertainment 7Twenty office (a.k.a. 'the Dreamatorium'): 'We got a pool table, a ping-pong table, a lounge area, a couch with a ceiling on it, in-house DJ — DJ Blunt — and best of all, former NBA superstar Detlef Schrempf is on retainer.'

Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio: '[Tessa] is our new assistant. I saw her sweating real sexy on the StairMaster at Bally's.'

Jean-Ralphio · Tessa:Tessa (the new assistant): 'I need petty cash. My iPhone cover's gross and I need to get a new one.' Jean-Ralphio: 'Get it to match your personality.' Then: 'Why do we keep our petty cash in a clear plastic toilet bowl?' Jean-Ralphio: 'I don't know, maybe 'cause we're... FLUSH with cash!'

Jean-Ralphio · Tom · Detlef Schrempf:Tom points out the company has a lot of overhead and suggests 'scaling back a bit and focusing on building your client base.' Jean-Ralphio: 'Thanks a lot, Forbes magazine. But we didn't hire you to give us business advice. We hired you to look pretty and shoot baskets. So why don't you head over there and do your thing? We want people to see you when they come in, Detlef.'

Jean-Ralphio · Tom · Detlef Schrempf:Jean-Ralphio: 'First you set up the pond, then you reel in the fish. Big D, hit me!' — Detlef Schrempf passes him a basketball; Jean-Ralphio and Tom catch the ball, celebrate, yell 'We're living the dream.'

Jean-Ralphio:Your name is Angelo. Angelo, thank you so much for coming out. Get a thicker tie. It looks weird on you. Makes your head look like a fish.

Jean-Ralphio:Your new nickname is Jell-O Shot. What do you think about that, 'J-Shot'?

Tom Haverford · Jean-Ralphio:By literally printing our own money. We bought a printing press. This prints bills with our faces and the E 720 logo on them.

Jean-Ralphio:Aw! What's the deal, baby? One second, you hit the party switch and the next second, you're all business.

Jean-Ralphio:Oh, Snapple. Are we calling everybody 'baby' now? Because honestly, I love that. Are we saying 'Snapple' anytime we think something's dope? 'Cause I love that, baby.

Tom Haverford · Jean-Ralphio:Jell-O Shot! Jell-O Shot! Jell-O Shot! [Tom and Jean-Ralphio chanting Ben's nickname as he tries to look at their financial books]

Jean-Ralphio:I hope the rest of your day is cool beans.

Jean-Ralphio:He didn't even grab one.

Tom · Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio calling Tom in tears (inferred from 'Jean-Ralphio, stop crying')

Jean-Ralphio · Tom:Entertainment 720 is eulogized alongside Pets.com, Blockbuster, and Ask Jeeves

Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio's plan: invest the money, accidentally get run over by a city bus, and start a hip hop label

Tom · Jean-Ralphio:'A party for the end of the world.' / 'You had me at every dime we have left.'

Jean-Ralphio:'Because I'm in like Lara Flynn Boyle from The Practice.'

Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio's celebration: 'Diddly, diddly, diddly, diddly, diddly, diddly, swag.'

Tom · Jean-Ralphio:Entertainment 720's party has a VIP area, double VIP, triple VIP, Centurion Club Elite VIP — 'No one is allowed in there. Not even us.'

Tom · Jean-Ralphio:'No one shows up to a good party on time. If anyone had actually shown up right now, the whole party would have been ruined.'

Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio's confession: 'I actually forgot they ever dated. I was trying to hit that.'

Jean-Ralphio:'B-b-b-b-Ben-jammin'!' — Jean-Ralphio's entrance

Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio is getting a Brazilian wax; 'when she rips it off, she smiles, and it makes you feel things'

Jean-Ralphio:'I almost fell asleep during that sentence.' — Jean-Ralphio reacting to Ben describing the accounting job

Jean-Ralphio:'So at this accounting firm, you would have the boring job?'

Jean-Ralphio · Ben:'Why don't you use that time and go after one of your passions, like model trains or, like, or toy Gandalfs or something?' 'I don't know why you jumped straight to model trains.' 'I mean... it's accurate.'

Jean-Ralphio:'She told me, "if you don't love what you do... then why do it?" Then she ripped the hair from my b-hole.'

Jean-Ralphio · Barney:Jean-Ralphio shows up as a temp at the accounting firm — 'my resume might not actually be accurate, right? So I have no idea what you're talking about'

Jean-Ralphio:'But you don't have to be an accountant to know that this girl is a ten.'

Jean-Ralphio · D.S. · Barney:'You want to talk about spreading and sheets, we can go back to my place and I will rock your—' 'You're fired!' 'That makes sense.'

Jean-Ralphio:'So I just go out the same way I came in?'

Tom · Jean-Ralphio:Okay, you guys pretend you're Ron Swanson, and you're trying to decide whether you want to invest in this company. Be super critical. You're short.

Tom · Jean-Ralphio:Tom Haverford and Jean-Ralphio Saperstein, Creators of Entertainment 720! ...proudly present... Rent A Swag!

Tom · Jean-Ralphio:Where swag is my business / And the business is my friend

Jean-Ralphio · Tom · Jean-Ralphio:It's the greatest thing I've ever seen in my entire life. No. Yes. It's terrible. It's terrible, you guys. I love you, baby. You're so smart.

Jean-Ralphio · Ron:Ricka, ricka, ricka, ricka / Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha / Swanson [Jean-Ralphio rapping/singing]. Jean-Ralphio. That's me.

Jean-Ralphio:Business partner now and forever. Hold up. Forever 21. Twenty-one gun salute. Salute Your Shorts. Kaboosh! I just free-associated all over the moustache.

Tom · Jean-Ralphio:Okay. I'm thinking we junk everything except the mannequins. Ron's got to see how dope the outfits are. That's the business. Why are we going to Ron? Ron should be coming to us. We created Entertainment 720.

Jean-Ralphio:Tommy. I will always be there for you, no matter what. But right now, I cannot be there for you because I have to go.

Jean-Ralphio · Tom:I hate to say this, but sometimes you've got to work a little, so you can ball a lot. That was beautiful. That changed me.

Jean-Ralphio · Tom:See? You just googled 'Amanda Bynes' side boob.' What's wrong with you? Why is your safe-search on? That is amateur hour, Tom.

Tom · Jean-Ralphio:Look, man. I believe in this idea. Do you? You know I love you, but I don't think you're as serious about this business as I am. Oh, yeah, no, I'm definitely not.

Jean-Ralphio · Ron:No, I decided it was best if I took my talents elsewhere. Do you know what I mean? You abandoned your friend? God, no. He fired me. Straight up.

Ron · Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio. I thought you and Tom were working on your presentation. No, I decided it was best if I took my talents elsewhere. You abandoned your friend? God, no. He fired me. Straight up.

Jean-Ralphio · Ron:Anyway, I have an amazing investment idea for you. Condoms with pictures on them. Pass. Good. Smart. I think you made the right decision.

Jean-Ralphio:Clubs. Girls. Dancing. Naked. Mom? Argument. Police. Fleeing the scene. Hiding in a dumpster. Coming here. Crashing on your couch for a week because, technically, I'm homeless.

Jean-Ralphio:When life gives you lemons, you sell some of your grandma's jewelry and you go clubbing.

Jean-Ralphio:So? I'm going to throw up. I ate too much cheese. I'll talk to you.

Jean-Ralphio · Tom Haverford:That is so weird. That is so... Oh, you know what? Honestly, now that I'm thinking about it, this may be it. I actually told him that Rent A Swag was my idea, and that you had stole it from me. / Why would you say that?

Jean-Ralphio · Tom Haverford:I also have something to say. I also told him that you made me sign up for a bunch of credit cards, and then maxed them out by buying illegal white jaguar fur coats. / That's probably not relevant. / It's probably not relevant, though. / I guess. No, definitely.

Jean-Ralphio · Tom Haverford:Not it! / Ooh, you got me! / Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh.

Jean-Ralphio:Okay, fine. You know what? I'm going to do the unthinkable. I'm going to have a short, honest conversation with my father.

Jean-Ralphio:Tom. Lawyer guy. Daddy.

Jean-Ralphio · Dr. Saperstein:Daddy. Daddy. Come on. I lie to you all the time. All those math camps I said I went to? I don't even know what a math camp is. / So, all those postcards that you sent me, all those trophies that you'd won... / Trophies I bought.

Dr. Saperstein · Jean-Ralphio · Mona-Lisa:These two have been huge disappointments to me. / Come on. You love us. / Tell me you love us, and then, admit this guy looks like Beaker from the Muppets. / Dad. / But seriously, what are we doing here? / What are we doing here, Dad? / Why are we here?

Dr. Saperstein · Jean-Ralphio · Mona-Lisa:Blow me a kiss. / Muah. Muah. / Caught it. I love you, Daddy! / I love you, Daddy! / I love you, too.

Jean-Ralphio · Tom Haverford:First of all, unbelievable analogy. / Second of all, what are you talking about, man? / When Babyface was your age, he hadn't even signed Toni Braxton yet. Let alone Usher.

Jean-Ralphio:Either my best friend emerges triumphant, or my dad beats you and I get all that money when he dies.

Jean-Ralphio · Ann · Chris:Jean-Ralphio tries to hit on Ann: 'What do you say you and I get together in a special way?' Ann: 'I'm pregnant.' Jean-Ralphio: 'The more the merrier.'

Jean-Ralphio · Chris:Jean-Ralphio tries to hit on Chris too: 'Well, you can come too, beautiful.' Chris thanks him. Jean-Ralphio: 'Look at that. I guess sometimes I call men beautiful too. I guess I'm open-minded as hell.'

Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio deflects from the TV's porno ordering: 'Also, there's a malfunction with the TV where it keeps ordering porno. Like, a ton of porno. Like, how can someone watch that much porno in one sitting? Only when you're out of the house. So if you see it on the bill, that's why. Okay?'

Jean-Ralphio:Did someone call for a party zoo?

Jean-Ralphio:I stole $2,000 from you. I'm the person that sneaks into your home every night, and eats your food. Oh, so... Oh, right, so I do owe you a favor.

Jean-Ralphio · Joan Callamezzo:Victoria Secret supermodel Karlie Kloss? Really? Where? / Wait a second. You're not Karlie, you're my friend, Joan Callamezzo. / They don't even allow me in Victoria's Secret anymore. / Why? / Yeah.

Jean-Ralphio:The only reason I wouldn't be there is if I got pulled over. For violating my house arrest.

Jean-Ralphio:Judge gave me two ankle bracelets. Said it was the first time he ever had to do that. Ja boy's a question on the bar exam! Ya heard!

Jean-Ralphio · Donna:Did someone call for a party zoo? / All right, so we got a four-way going with my ex, my brother, and this rando? Okay, if that's where the night is going. It's 9:00 in the morning.

Jean-Ralphio:The only reason I wouldn't be there is if I got pulled over. For violating my house arrest.

Jean-Ralphio:Judge gave me two ankle bracelets. Said it was the first time he ever had to do that. Ja boy's a question on the bar exam! Ya heard!

Tom · Mona-Lisa · Jean-Ralphio:No! Your father ruined my last business. Why would you bring him here? / Mmm, because you told me to look for VIPs and my daddy is the VI-est P I know.

Tom · Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio adds flavored condoms to Tom's proposal kit — 'I didn't ask for flavored condoms.' 'No, no, no, that's just me looking out for you. See, girls get mad horny when you propose. That's why I do it all the time.'

Tom · Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio: 'I didn't ask for flavored condoms.' / 'No, no, no, that's just me looking out for you. See, girls get mad horny when you propose. That's why I do it all the time.'

Jean-Ralphio · Tom · Lucy:Jean-Ralphio responds to Tom's engagement by immediately hitting on Lucy: 'So what's your story again? I mean, like, how married are you? You down to clown? You in that rude mood?' / 'Why are you like this?' / 'Pills, baby!'

Jean-Ralphio · Tom · Leslie:Jean-Ralphio appearing in a hospital bed: 'You're not injured?' / 'Uh, yeah. I'm injured. I got a terminal case of "Get me to the front of the line at Six Flags."'

Jean-Ralphio:"It's a winter wonderland!" — Jean-Ralphio gesturing at his fake hospital setup

Jean-Ralphio · Leslie:Jean-Ralphio's final request: 'Will you pretend to be my wife for an insurance scam? But then we fall in love for real! Also, can I have a pair of your gym socks? No, wait. It's not for anything weird. It's just a fetish I have.'

Jean-Ralphio · Mona-Lisa:Jean-Ralphio's fake funeral — 'Bend Over' by Lil Jon featuring Tyga as his favorite song played at the service

Jean-Ralphio · Mona-Lisa:Jean-Ralphio and Mona-Lisa reveal the scam: 'They bought it. They bought it. Do you have the insurance money?' / 'No doubt, no doubt. Let's hit it, bro. Time to start a casino in... Tajikistan!'

Jean-Ralphio:Jean-Ralphio, caught mid-escape: 'God! Tajikistan is off! Go, go, go, go! The rabbi!'

Jean-Ralphio · Tom · Leslie:Jean-Ralphio's parting declaration to Tom: 'Leslie... I've always loved you.' / 'I know.'