Jean-Ralphio Saperstein

Two, who is that hot intern chick out there? Because honestly, damn!

No, we just thought it'd be funny to see April doing physical labor.

Just chillaxin' like your new bro, Andy. Yeah. Wanna play some Hacky Sack later, maybe listen to Blues Traveler?

No way. Yesterday, if you would have asked me, I would've said no, but thank God, my grandfather just died, so I am flush with cash!

Also, sorry about your grandpa. No worries. He was a dick.

I don't get anything until I'm 50, which is a waste, 'cause I'm gonna be a billionaire in Costa Rica by then, eating dolphins and hanging out with lady singers.

Step three, I dagger you on the dance floor. Just bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce Now, all the ladies say it Bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce, bounce

Jean-Ralphio's story about waiting outside the wrong woman's house for five days and still getting to 'third base, over the pants'

Joke, Vince Vaughn quote, obviously. Swingers Crashers? Fred Claus. Talk about Andy's ex-girlfriends. Quote from Love Actually. Hold back your tears. Pause. Drop the microphone. Get out of that bitch.

'K' to the 'N' to the 'O-P-E,' she's the dopest little shorty in all Pawnee, Indiana. / Why didn't you just stop at 'Pawnee'?

She might be up all night, but I think someone else is gonna be doing the cramming. Uh-oh!

I made my money the old-fashioned way. I got run over by a Lexus

Do you want to get run over? Because I know a guy. Super gentle. Minor scrapes and bruises, major dollars and cents.

I got it. What are you amazing at? I know it. We both know it, let's just say it at the same time. Creating spectacles. ...spectacles.

Entertainment 7Twenty... 'Cause you're willing to go around the world twice for your clients. That is unbelievable!

Hope you brought a change of clothes. 'Cause your eyes are about to piss tears. You nasty.

I'm Thelma, you're Louise. You can't die full of regret. Why don't you live your life like that cow from the video? He was a horse. Yeah.

I saw her sweating real sexy on the StairMaster at Bally's. I need petty cash. My iPhone cover's gross and I need to get a new one.

Why do we keep our petty cash in a clear plastic toilet bowl? I don't know, maybe 'cause we're... Flush with cash

We may not have any clients yet, but we're about to blow up. First you set up the pond, then you reel in the fish.

Your name is Angelo. Angelo, thank you so much for coming out. Get a thicker tie. It looks weird on you. Makes your head look like a fish

Lastly, I hate the name Angelo. I'm gonna switch it up for you right now. Your new nickname is Jell-O Shot

Do you want to know how we make money? By literally printing our own money

We promote the company by going to clubs and tossing the bills in the air and screaming... Free money!

Are we calling everybody 'baby' now? Because honestly, I love that. Are we saying 'Snapple' anytime we think something's dope? 'Cause I love that, baby

Don't forget to grab a free iPad on your way out. He didn't even grab one

You started out with $450,000. Entertainment 720 is dead. It's up in company heaven. Along with Pets.com, Blockbuster, and Ask Jeeves.

So what's next, Tommy Davidson? I say we invest our 10 large, and then I accidentally get run over by a city bus, and we start our own hip hop label.

Because I'm in like Lara Flynn Boyle from The Practice.

Diddly, diddly, diddly, diddly, diddly, diddly, swag.

I actually forgot they ever dated. I was trying to hit that.

B-b-b-b-Ben-jammin'!

When she rips it off, she smiles, and it makes you feel things. Throw my name, I get a referral discount.

Are you nuts? This is probably the first time you've had off since you've been kid president. True or false? True.

If you don't love what you do... Then why do it? Then she ripped the hair from my b-hole.

So I have no idea what you're talking about. Don't know what Quickbooks are.

You want to talk about spreading and sheets, we can go back to my place and I will rock your-- You're fired!

Because guess who's got two thumbs and was just cleared from insurance fraud? This guy. You know? Got off on a technicality.

Parents, are you tired of watching your middle-school-aged children grow out of the nice clothes you buy for them? Then rent them from Rent A Swag.

I own it. You rent it. You wear it. You clean it. You return it. I get rich. Wink!

Ricka, ricka, ricka, ricka Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha Swanson Jean-Ralphio. That's me.

I just free-associated all over the moustache.

But sometimes you've got to work a little, so you can ball a lot.

Oh, yeah, no, I'm definitely not.

Clubs. Girls. Dancing. Naked. Mom? Argument. Police. Fleeing the scene. Hiding in a dumpster. Coming here. Crashing on your couch for a week because, technically, I'm homeless.

♪ Oh, yeah she's my sister. My twin sister, from the same mister.

♪ The wo-o-orst. She is the worst person in the world. Huge skank. Terrible. But thank you. It means a lot.

♪ The wo-o-o-orst. She's the worst in the world.

100%. She's a total klepto. And nympho and pyro-- all those things.

I heard 'sack of flour' and 'high school.' Are you dingdongs making fake drugs for sophomores? Because if true, this guy wants in.

Anyone's welcome to join us in the tree!

Nah! I'm just kidding, man. She's the worst. You dodged a bullet, baby.

but I told him that you made me sign up for a bunch of credit cards, and then maxed them out by buying illegal white jaguar fur coats.

I have done nothing wrong. Ever, in my life.

Tell me you love us, and then, admit this guy looks like Beaker from the Muppets.

What do you say you and I get together in a special way? I-I'm pregnant. The more the merrier.

I guess I'm open-minded as hell.

No, another Steven Spielberg-themed restaurant. The German place downtown... Schindler's Lunch.

No can do. That's a load-bearing T-Rex.

Did someone call for a party zoo?

All right, so we got a four-way going with my ex, my brother, and this rando? Okay, if that's where the night is going. It's 9:00 in the morning.

Judge gave me two ankle bracelets. Said it was the first time he ever had to do that. Ja boy's a question on the bar exam! Ya heard!

Ja boy's a question on the bar exam! Ya heard!

All right, so we got a four-way going with my ex, my brother, and this rando? Okay, if that's where the night is going.

It's 9:00 in the morning. What? It's not a four-way.

Judge gave me two ankle bracelets. Said it was the first time he ever had to do that. Ja boy's a question on the bar exam! Ya heard!

I should mention, I'm a rabbi now.

Ah, zut alors! - Get 'em, boys! - Freeze! Stunt double.

No, no, no, that's just me looking out for you. See, girls get mad horny when you propose. That's why I do it all the time.

Will you pretend to be my wife for an insurance scam? But then we fall in love for real! Also, can I have a pair of your gym socks?

It's not for anything weird. It's just a fetish I have.

Don't, don't be suspicious. Don't be suspicious.

Truly was a mitzvah. I should mention, I'm a rabbi now.