Moving Up (2)

Andy:Whoa, Alcatraz. Michael Bay built this for The Rock, right?

Andy:Were you trying to sleep?

Ben:Yeah, I had my sleep mask on.

Andy:What's a sleep mask?

Ben:It goes over your eyes so the light doesn't bother you.

Andy:Why would you put it over your eyes? Just close your eyes.

Leslie:You know what they say: what happens in a government office stays in a government office. Actually, no, it gets filed in triplicate and sent to the state capital.

Ben:We should take a tour of Alcatraz.

Andy:A tour? Isn't that part of breaking in?

Tom:You know, I've been working really hard on this restaurant, and I gotta say, I'm loving it. The long hours, the stress, the constant problem-solving... it's actually pretty great.

Tom:Wait a minute. Have I ever actually worked hard before? Like, ever?

Tom:Oh my God, I haven't. This is amazing. I feel so alive!

Tom:We have to open tomorrow? I'm wigging out. And not in the fun way where I'm wearing a wig named Kristen.

Craig:The sign painter hasn't finished yet. Right now it just says 'Rent.'

Tom:Wait, my sign says 'Tom's bi'? That's... actually brilliant for business. People love that kind of thing. Free publicity. I'm keeping it.

Craig:McDonald's, McDonald's, Kentucky Fried Chicken and a Pizza Hut... BLOOD EVERYWHERE! SATAN IS REAL!

Grant:That's mine. Sorry, Lester. Yours is right here.

Leslie:A bad boy! That's what he is!

Ben:What does Gryzzl actually do?

Andy:You know, I have no idea. I honestly have no idea what Gryzzl does.

Gryzzl Executive:We started with nothing. A taco truck in East Palo Alto.

Gryzzl Executive:Now we own the Sacramento Kings.

Ben:The library's online pizza ordering system is state-of-the-art. We've seen a 40% increase in digital engagement.

Ben:People are coming to the library just to use our computers now.

Leslie:That's amazing! What are they doing online?

Ben:Ordering pizza.

Ben:We have aspirational goals. We want to be like Columbus, Ohio.

Ben:Or failing that, Cleveland.

Ben:Or Toledo.

Ben:Honestly, we'd settle for Youngstown.

Gryzzl Executive:We don't say 'no' because it's counterproductive.

Gryzzl Executive:We say 'nah, bro' instead.

Gryzzl Executive:It's the same thing.

Tom:Yeah, wow, this is... this is really something. The way you've, uh, crafted this... piece. It's very... wooden. And the, the joinery here is so... joinery-like. You can really tell you spent time on the... the whole thing.

Tom:We need these chairs faster, Ron. Can you expedite the order?

Ron:Tom, any competent person would simply contact Gustafson. He's a Swedish furniture maker from the 1970s. Everybody knows that.

Tom:I don't know who that is.

Ron:Exactly. Your incompetence is showing again.

Tom:Ron, please, I need your help. I'm in a really tight spot financially.

Ron:Tom, you need to learn to live within your means. I've always said: never spend money you don't have.

Tom:I know, but—

Ron:In fact, I have never spent a dollar I didn't have. Because I always have all my dollars.

Leslie:I had this poster of Rebecca in my childhood bedroom. It was actually just a photo of her dunking on Michael Jordan, but I had Photoshopped her face onto Michael Jordan's body.

Massive understatement from government bureaucrat

Leslie:I had the most amazing lunch with these incredible heroes, and I documented every single moment. I have seventeen binders full of photos, receipts, and detailed notes about their sandwich choices.

Grant:Did you get their names?

Leslie:Names? Of course I got their names! They're in binders two through four, cross-referenced alphabetically and by lunch date.

Grant:I mean, did you get their *real* names? Because the guys you had lunch with were the Grant Brothers, and Grant is their last name.

Leslie:Oh my God.

Leslie:Michelle Obama is from Chicago. Which is a city. In Illinois. A state.

Leslie:Oh my god, yes! Yes to everything! Yes to the sun, yes to the moon, yes to all the stars in the sky!

Michelle Obama:...I just asked if you wanted coffee.

Leslie:YES TO COFFEE! YES TO THIS ENTIRE DIMENSION!

Leslie:Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God! Hi! I'm Leslie Knope. I work in the Parks Department. I just want to say that you are an inspiration to me and to women everywhere, and I am literally shaking right now because I'm meeting you and I can't control my volume and I know I'm being too loud but I literally cannot stop talking!

Andy:Dude, you're gonna ride that down the hill!

Ben:What? No, I'm not!

Andy:Come on, man, it'll be awesome!

Leslie:Oh, I met Michelle Obama the other day.

Ben:You what? Wait, you MET Michelle Obama? Like, the First Lady? And you're just casually mentioning this?

Leslie:Yeah, she came through Pawnee for an event.

Ben:Leslie, that's huge! Why are you acting like you're telling me about a trip to the grocery store?

Leslie:I'm sorry, but Michelle Obama didn't help me navigate the Parks Department budget process. That obscure bureaucrat did.

Tom:Ron, can you work any faster on those chairs?

Ron:I could, but then they'd be made by the government.

Tom:April, can you handle the catering for the event?

April:Already done. I poisoned the potato salad.

Tom:What? Why would you do that?

April:You said to make sure nobody eats the food. I thought this was the most efficient way.

Craig:Sawdust is affecting all my senses. My eyes are 60% sawdust. My lungs are 70% sawdust.

Craig:Actually, my lungs are 80% sawdust now.

Craig:My brain is 90% sawdust.

Donna:I'll work with you, Craig.

Craig:Really? That's great! What do you need me to do?

Donna:Just one thing: stop yelling.

Craig:I'M NOT YELLING!

Tom:Why do all the pictures on menus look so awful?

Larry:The cameras are bad. And the food is bad. So when you combine bad cameras with bad food, you get bad pictures.

Jerry:I was trying to take pictures of my dog for the Christmas card, but I got some... angles... that weren't ideal for a family photo.

Ron:Why would you show those to anyone?

Jerry:Well, I printed some of them by accident and they ended up at the printer, and then somehow they got mixed in with the menus for the Italian place downstairs.

Leslie:Jerry, that's— those are dog rectums on restaurant menus.

Jerry:I know! And it was Italian food, which makes it even worse because now people are going to associate those images with their meal.

Tom:Larry, you've been making mistakes since before I was born. You've made more mistakes than there are stars in the sky. You're like a mistake-making machine. A mistake factory. A mistake... facility.

Tom:Why'd you reject the chair I made?

Ron:The joints weren't tight enough. And the finish was uneven. And it's an eyesore.

Tom:I spent three weeks on that chair.

Ron:Then you wasted three weeks. A handmade item should be indistinguishable from a factory-made item, except better. Your chair looks like it was made by someone who just discovered wood.

Andy:Ooh, we could tell them that there's buried treasure in Pawnee, and then, after they give us the free WiFi, we tell them that the treasure was love all along.

Ben:My legacy will be the free WiFi I'm providing to this town. In a hundred years, people will remember me for bringing high-speed internet to Pawnee.

Ben:Children will study my contribution to society. They'll say, 'Ben Wyatt connected us all.'

Ben:And they'll use it to watch cat videos and pictures of Chrissy Teigen's butt.

Andy:Wait, are you guys playing my other games too?

Andy:Because I've got this one where you're a sentient bottle of ranch dressing and you have to solve crimes.

Andy:It's called 'CSI: Salad Dressing.'

Andy:The key is to cup your hand like you're holding a butterfly, then flick your wrist at the last second so the dirt spirals. It's all in the wrist action.

Gryzzl Executive:So you're the Grand Nagus of Cones of Dunshire?

Ben:Actually, it's called 'Cones of Dunshire,' and it's a highly sophisticated strategy game with multiple levels of gameplay mechanics, including resource management, tactical positioning, and a unique cone-based economy system.

Ben:Wait, those aren't my only options? I choose Maverick.

Rebecca:You know when it was completed? Last month.

Rebecca:When we merged with Eagleton, we lost all our municipal autonomy. It was a disaster.

Leslie:Wait, what? You lost your municipal status? That's... that's the worst thing I've ever heard.

Craig:Fruity? FRUITY?! That wine is a symphony of oak-aged complexity with notes of blackberry, plum, and a whisper of vanilla that you're reducing to the word 'fruity'?!

Craig:And 'earthy'? EARTHY?! Do you know how many terroirs, how many microclimates, how many generations of winemakers' blood, sweat, and tears went into this vintage, and you're just gonna hit me with 'earthy'?!

Craig:My palate has betrayed me. I don't know who I am anymore.

Tom:Craig, Donna, what are you two doing?

Craig:We're having a moment. We bonded over a wine crisis.

Tom:A wine crisis? What happened?

Craig:That's between us. Some things are sacred.

Donna:We drank a bottle of wine that was meant for the event.

Craig:And we would do it again! You can't put a price on that kind of connection!

Tom:Ron, I have to say, your work ethic is incredible. You never take a day off, you're always here early, you stay late. You're like the least lazy person I've ever met. You're basically the opposite of old.

Ron:Thank you.

Tom:Wait, no, I meant... you're like the opposite of... I meant you're not old.

Tom:Whoa, whoa, whoa! Everyone stop! That's good luck!

Tom:Breaking glass at the opening of a restaurant? That means... prosperity and success for seven years.

Tom:It's an old... it's an old Turkish tradition.

Ben:My winning strategy is simple: I play Checkers.

Ben:I move my abbot to the ocean hex, which moves my brinksman to the devil's lair, and pushes my farmer, yes, my humble farmer, directly into the central cone.

Andy:Wait, so if Ben won the game, does that mean Ben owns the company now?

Ben:What? No, Andy, it's just a game.

Andy:But you won. Doesn't the winner own everything?

Leslie:Andy, that's not how this works.

Andy:So I've been playing board games wrong my whole life?

April:Okay, pasta types. Penne, rigatoni, fettuccine, linguine, spaghetti, ravioli, macaroni, lasagna, ziti, farfalle, tortellini, angel hair, bow tie, Ferrari, Lamborghini, Maserati, rigatoni, pappardelle.

Leslie:April, those last three are cars.

April:They're Italian.

Customer:Do you have a menu?

April:We have menus, but they're all sticky, and one of them has a bite taken out of it. Also, our cook is passed out in the walk-in freezer, so you can order whatever you want, but we're only capable of making eggs and also we're out of eggs.

Larry:I have great news! My dog is finally going to be okay. The vet said his anal gland infection is completely cleared up.

Jerry:That's wonderful, Larry.

Larry:Yeah, no more pus. The swelling has gone down significantly. His butthole looks almost normal now.

Dr. Saperstein:This place is a disaster. The food is terrible, the service is nonexistent, and frankly, I've seen better ambiance in a hospital cafeteria. And that's saying something.

Leslie:I'm gonna be paralyzed by hypotheticals until I die here, in this mini van! At the San Francisco airport.

Tom:My childhood strategy was actively ruining fun for others.

Tom:Look, I'm not gonna lie to you. I'm thinking about quitting. But not because I don't like it here. It's purely ego-driven. I just want to see if I can do something else and be successful at it. You know what I mean?

Ron:You're doing great, Tom. I'm proud of you.

Tom:Really? Thanks, Ron.

Ron:You've shown real growth. Those chairs you ordered for the office? Perfect choice.

Tom:Yeah, well, I wanted the department to have the best.

Ron:I received the invoice today. Seventy-three thousand dollars.

Tom:What?

Ron:You are now personally responsible for a debt of seventy-three thousand dollars. I regret my earlier praise.

Ben:I wanted to take you somewhere really special, Leslie. Somewhere that means something to me.

Leslie:Aww, Ben, that's so sweet!

Ben:Yeah, so I was thinking about how Yoda is actually 900 years old and—wait, no, sorry. Where was I?

Leslie:You were being romantic?

Ben:Right, yes. I love you and you mean everything to me.

Leslie:Hi, yes, hello! I'm calling about the position... Oh my god, I'm sorry, I need to calm down. I'm just so excited about this opportunity that I literally cannot control the volume and cadence of my voice right now.

Leslie:I love you! I mean, I love your enthusiasm. Your enthusiastic... I love your... Ben! I'm talking to Ben!

Ben:Leslie?

Leslie:Hi, yes, it's me. I just got very excited about the community garden initiative and I... I may have said something weird.

Tom:Jean-Ralphio, I need your help at the restaurant.

Jean-Ralphio:Oh dude, I'm there. What do you need? You need me to... seduce someone? Because I will seduce someone right now.

Andy:Ron, will you play Duke Silver at the charity event?

Ron:Absolutely not. I don't perform. I don't do charity events. I don't do anything that requires me to be around large groups of people who will ask me questions about my personal life.

Andy:It's just one night, Ron.

Ron:One night is 1,440 minutes of potential human interaction. I'd rather spend those minutes alone with a bottle of scotch and a woodworking project.

Andy:Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to complete this mission. If you fail to complete this mission, you will have failed at completing this mission. And if you succeed at completing this mission, you will have successfully completed this mission.

Andy:This message will self-destruct in five seconds... or it won't, depending on whether you complete the mission.

Andy:Okay, so the official name of our volunteer group is the Pawnee Parks Department Community Outreach Initiative for Environmental Stewardship and Civic Engagement Task Force.

Andy:Actually, you know what? That's too long. We're gonna need to shorten that.

Andy:The volunteer group name is too long.

Leslie:We need larger hats to fit more text on them.

Statue inscription:Here lies Leslie Knope. She died doing what she loved: being faithful to Pawnee.

Leslie Knope:"I would never leave Pawnee. This is my home. I belong here."

Ben Wyatt:Well, that aged well.

Ron:Leslie, your tears have created a salt stain on my shirt. Please stop.

Leslie:I can't help it, Ron. I'm just so emotional right now.

Ron:Crying is for children and people who don't have woodworking to do. I suggest you find a hobby.

Leslie:That's... not helping.

Decemberists member:Your town of Pawnee is truly a beacon of culture and innovation.

Decemberists member:I mean, where else can you get a waffle topped with bacon and candy corn?

Jean-Ralphio:I'm proud of creating legal precedent for double ankle bracelets

Jeremy Jamm:We're called 'The Pit' — we do Police covers, but we make them worse on purpose. It's ironic.

Jeremy Jamm:♪ Every breath you take, every move you make, every bond you break... ♪

Ginuwine:Damn, Donna, why you gotta bring the Quackson Five into this?

Leslie:Ron, I'm offering you the position of Parks Director. You'd be working with me every day.

Ron:Leslie, I appreciate the offer, but I'm not interested.

Leslie:Not even a little bit? We could accomplish so much together.

Ron:My answer is final. I'm done with government work.

Leslie:Wait, what if I told you we're getting a new espresso machine? And a waffle bar?

Ron:A waffle bar? How many waffles?

Tammy II:I'm here because Ron asked me to help with the children's event.

Tammy II:I love children. I want to take them home with me.

Tammy II:I LOVE children. I want to TAKE them home with me.

Tammy II:Ron, if you don't do exactly what I say, I'm going to take all your teakwood and turn it into a birdhouse.

Andy:I thought we'd get signed to a major label, go on a world tour, sell out Madison Square Garden. Then I'd get injured during a guitar solo, become a chess master, and we'd break up so I could pursue my true passion: competitive tickling.

April:Your performance was so bad, you made someone pee their pants.

Andy:That's the best compliment I've ever received.

April:You lost my phone in a ball pit?

Andy:Yeah, I was trying to get the blue ones out because they match your eyes, and—

April:Wait. You were in a ball pit?

April:I don't want your job, but I also can't believe you didn't offer it to me sooner. I hate this department, but I'd die for it. You're the worst, but you're also the best. I'm leaving, but I'm not going anywhere.

Dr. Saperstein:I need money. Now. Give me money.

Bartender:What'll it be?

Joan:I'll have a Joan.

Bartender:A Joan? I don't know that one.

Joan:It's equal parts vodka, gin, and regret, with a splash of existential dread.

Bartender:That's just... depression in a glass.

Joan:Exactly. Now make it a double.

Barney:Want to work at my accounting firm?

Ben:No.

Barney:That was fast. I didn't even get to the part about the free coffee.

Andy:I wish we could get married again.

April:We could get divorced and then remarry.

Andy:That's the best idea you've ever had!

April:I know.

Dr. Saperstein:This Italian food is exquisite! You know, it reminds me of the authentic cuisine I experienced in Dallas.

Tom:Can I get a photo with you? I'm a huge fan. I'm going to Instagram this as '#KeepingItLit.'

Ron:You won't.

Ron:You know, Leslie, you'd be an excellent coal miner. You have the work ethic, the determination, the complete disregard for your own safety.

Leslie:Ron, that's not a compliment.

Ron:It absolutely is. I've never seen someone so willing to sacrifice their body for a cause they believe in. You'd make it maybe three weeks before a cave-in.

Grant:Leslie's proposal is interesting, but I have some concerns about the feasibility and cost.

Ben:What kind of concerns?

Grant:Well, for starters, we'd need to allocate significant resources, and I'm not sure the ROI justifies it.

Leslie:But think about the community impact!

Grant:I understand, but as government officials, we can't just approve every request that comes through. Speaking of which, I got a letter today asking if the Parks Department could arrange for the Power Rangers to visit Pawnee. Apparently, someone thought that was within our jurisdiction.

Leslie:Ed, I'm going to have to let you go. You're just not cutting it here.

Ed:What? But I've been trying my best!

Leslie:I know, and I appreciate that, but this just isn't working out.

Terry:Wait, wait, wait. So you're saying I'm not good enough either? Is that what this is about?

Leslie:Terry, you're not being fired. Ed is being fired.

Terry:Yeah, but the fact that you even had to fire someone... I feel like maybe I should've seen this coming. Am I next?

Andy:So how do we feed the kids?

Ben:Well, we prepare nutritious meals, keep a regular schedule, and make sure they eat vegetables.

Andy:Or, hear me out, we let them eat nothing but frozen pizza and candy until they pass out, then we eat their leftovers.

Ben:That's... that's not parenting, Andy.

Andy:It's not NOT parenting.