Moving Up (1)

Andy:Whoa, Alcatraz! Michael Bay must have spent a fortune building this as a movie set.

Andy:April, I've been thinking. On the flight to DC, I could recite the entire script of 'Braveheart' to entertain you.

April:Please don't.

Andy:Too late. I already did it. Twice.

April:I was asleep. You recited it to an unconscious person and a very uncomfortable flight attendant.

Leslie:What happens in Vegas stays in Vegas? No. I'm going to file a detailed trip report with the Parks Department, cross-reference it with the municipal code, and create a comprehensive binder documenting every single thing that happened.

April:Why don't you just take a tour?

Leslie:A tour? April, that's exactly what they'd expect me to do. It's too obvious. They're probably waiting for me to take a tour. I need to come in through the loading dock, bypass the main entrance, maybe rappel down from the roof.

April:It's a tour.

Leslie:A DECOY tour, April. They're three steps ahead of me.

Tom:This is some of the hardest work I've ever done. Well, actually, no it isn't. I've never done hard work. This is great!

Tom:I'm totally wigging out about this restaurant opening. I mean, I'm not Kristen, but I'm definitely losing my hair over this.

Tom:Look at that sign. It says 'Tom's Bistro' but the 'Bistro' part fell off.

Tom:So right now it just says 'Tom's Bi.' I'm not gonna lie, that's a pretty aggressive way to come out.

Tom:But you know what? I'm keeping it. Free advertising.

Leslie:A parks bureaucrat? That's like... that's like a bad boy.

Ben:What do they do?

Andy:I have no idea.

Andy:Wait, you have a barber chair in your office? That's amazing! How much does a haircut cost here?

Tech Executive:It's free for all employees. We believe in work-life balance and—

Andy:Free?! Dude, I'm in. When can I get a cut?

Ben:Pawnee isn't as big as Shreveport or Akron.

Ben:Those are my aspirational comparison cities.

Gryzzl exec:No.

Gryzzl exec:Nah, bro.

Andy:Proudly announces he only made 12 mistakes

Tom:Ron, you're so good at woodworking, you should change your name to Dwayne 'The Wood' Johnson.

Tom:Ron, I need chairs. Like, really quickly.

Ron:You want chairs? Jameson Furniture Works, 1987. They made the best chairs in the region. Everyone knows that.

Tom:Ron, I've never asked you for anything. Today.

Ron:That's because you've only worked here since this morning.

Leslie:Okay, fine. I made it myself. I took a photo of Rebecca at a concert, I scanned it into my computer, I enhanced the colors, I printed it out on poster paper, and then I laminated it.

Leslie:Twice.

Leslie:You're reading my proposal? Oh my god, this is so exciting!

Liam:Yeah, it's... words on paper.

Leslie:Can I... can I high-five you?

Michelle Obama:Of course.

Leslie:Oh my God. Oh my God. Oh my God.

April:I was really hoping you'd be on that.

Ben:Wait, Michelle Obama? How is that not the first thing you told me?

Ben:Wait, so you met the First Lady before you met the parks official?

Leslie:Yes.

Ben:And the parks official flustered you more?

Leslie:Oh my God, yes. So much more.

Tom:Why are there all these disturbing photos on the menu?

Larry:Oh, those are pictures of my dog's medical condition.

Tom:This is Larry's worst mistake ever. And this is a guy who once stapled his tie to his chest.

Ron:The joints weren't mortised properly, the wood grain wasn't running in the same direction on all four legs, and the finish was uneven. It's an embarrassment.

Andy:Okay, so here's what we do. We tell Gryzzl that Pawnee is the perfect place for their new headquarters because of our natural resources, our central location, and our workforce. Then we get them to invest in the community, create jobs, boost the economy. And by the time they realize they've been conned, they'll have made so many friends here that they won't even care. Because friendship is the real treasure.

Ben:I'm setting up a WiFi network for the neighborhood. I'm calling it 'Ben's Broadband Legacy.'

Ben:Years from now, people will remember me every time they connect to the internet.

Ben:A lasting monument to my generosity and civic contribution.

Ben:Actually, alchemists were abolished in the Third Age of Rethgar when the Council of Mages determined that transmutation violated the Fundamental Laws of Magic. You'd be a thaumaturgist at best, which is completely different.

Leslie:Wait, what's the worst case scenario here?

Merger Expert:The two towns merge, but Pawnee gets completely absorbed. All your parks funding gets redirected to Eagleton. Your department gets dissolved. Everything you've built here disappears.

Leslie:Oh my God. Oh my God, no. No no no no no. You can't just... Pawnee can't just cease to exist. What about the Harvest Festival? What about Ramsett Park? What about my office?

Craig:Fruity AND earthy? How can it be both? That doesn't make any sense! Wine is either fruity OR it's earthy, it can't be both! Pick one!

Craig:I've lost my sense of taste. My taste buds are gone. I'm not a man anymore.

Ron:We need to start from scratch. I'm going to go find some trees.

Andy:We did it! We won the company together!

Ben:Actually, I won it. Solely. By myself.

April:Pappardelle, rigatoni, fusilli, linguine, fettuccine... Ferrari, Lamborghini, Maserati.

Customer:Can I get a menu?

April:We don't have menus. You eat what we serve you. Also, we take pictures of dog butts here.

Larry:The vet said Champ's tumor is benign. He's gonna be fine.

Larry:They had to drain about two liters of fluid from his abdomen, and his intestines were twisted like a pretzel, but other than that, he's perfect.

Larry:Anyway, bon appétit, everyone.

Ben:My game is really taking off. People can't get enough of it. Everyone wants to get their hands on my pieces.

Ben:I've had to order more pieces three times this month. The demand for my pieces is absolutely insane.

Leslie:I can't decide if I should stay or go. This is impossible.

Leslie:You know what? I blame scientists. If we had cloning technology by now, I could stay AND go. But nooo, we're still waiting.

April:Winning is for people who are afraid of losing.

Tom:You know what? You're right. I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna open Ramsett's.

Tom:And you wanna know why? Because I'm tired of working for other people. I wanna work for myself. I wanna be my own boss.

Tom:Plus, I'm gonna make a ton of money and become super rich and famous.

Tom:And then all the people who doubted me are gonna feel really stupid.

Ron:That's a great idea, Tom. I support you.

Tom:Really? That means a lot coming from you, Ron.

Ron:Here's the bill for materials: $47,000. What a bargain.

Ben:You just have to trust your instincts.

Leslie:My instincts? Ben, my instincts told me to get bangs last year. I looked like a Afghan Hound for six months. My instincts also told me to marry Justin Long at a Dave & Buster's in Atlantic City. I can't trust my instincts! What if I make the wrong choice and I die alone in an airport taxi? Thirty years from now, I'm still in that taxi, riding in circles around O'Hare, and the driver doesn't even know I'm dead. He thinks I'm just being quiet. He turns up the radio a little bit. Now we're listening to John Tesh. I don't even like John Tesh!

Leslie:Oh my God, you guys, do you realize this is where they filmed Star Wars? This is an actual Star Wars location!

Leslie:I love you! I mean, I love... the work that you're doing. For the Parks Department. I love that.

Grant:Oh, okay. Well, I appreciate that, Leslie.

Leslie:Great. So we're good?

Grant:Yeah, we're good. Talk soon, Karen.

Leslie:It's Leslie.

Craig Middlebrooks:I'm sorry. I don't know who I am anymore. A man without a palate isn't a man.

Jean-Ralphio:Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo! What's up, fool? It's ya boy Jean-Ralphio, and I am back in the saddle, baby! Treat yo' self!

Mona Lisa:A group reservation? Oh, they're definitely trying to have group sex. Even in the morning, that's what it means.

Mona Lisa:Remember that time we tried to sell fake meds at the county fair?

Jean-Ralphio:Oh yeah, that was tight!

Mona Lisa:Yeah, well it ended with me getting into a fistfight with a health inspector in the parking lot.

Craig:We should go to go-karts.

Mona Lisa:No, let's go to the hospital and watch them do autopsies.

Craig:Yeah, okay.

Andy:The volunteer group name is way too long.

Leslie:You know what? You're right. We should get smaller hats.

Ron:"She made Pawnee better." Ironic, given that she's leaving.

Colin Meloy:Pawnee is amazing. We've been all over the world, and I've never seen a town like this.

Chris Krosby:What do you mean?

Colin Meloy:Well, for starters, we went to this restaurant called JJ's Diner, and they have a thing called a 'Sweetums Burger.' It's a burger stuffed with candy, marshmallows, and whipped cream.

Nate Query:That's insane.

Colin Meloy:And then we went to this other place, and they told us the local specialty is a hot dog wrapped in a cinnamon roll, served with a side of chocolate gravy.

Jean-Ralphio:I been on house arrest so many times, they're gonna use my case in law school. They're calling it 'The State v. Jean-Ralphio: A Study in Repeat Offenses.'

Jean-Ralphio:My case is so unprecedented, law schools use it on their exams. Professor's like, 'Here's Jean-Ralphio Saperstein. What would you do?' And the answer is always 'The opposite of that.'

Donna:I will embarrass you with childhood stories.

Ginuwine:You wouldn't dare.

Donna:Oh really? Remember your rubber duckies? You called them the Quack-son 5.

Ginuwine:Donna, no...

Tammy Two:I'm here looking for fathers. Single fathers, preferably. I'm not here to engage in any kind of ritual sacrifice or anything like that.

Tammy II:I'm going to defeat you, Ron.

Ron Swanson:How?

Tammy II:By seducing you.

Tammy II:If you try to leave me, Ron, I will destroy you. I will take everything you have.

Ron Swanson:You know what? Bring it on. I've defeated every challenge life has thrown at me. Taxes, bureaucrats, people who talk during movies... I'm not afraid of you.

Tammy II:Oh Ron, when I'm done with you, you won't know what hit you. I'm going to make you surrender in the most intimate way possible.

Ron Swanson:...Is this going somewhere?

Tammy II:Oh yes, it is.

Leslie:Ben, why are you so excited about being Larry? He's literally the worst character.

Ben:I don't know, I think Larry's kind of endearing in his own way.

Tom:Yeah, well, I'm opening a restaurant and it's going to be so incredible that people will forget all about this show. Actually, they'll forget about everything. My restaurant will be the only thing that matters to anyone ever.

Leslie:Only Larry wants to come to Chicago with us?

Ben:Yeah, what's wrong with that?

Leslie:What's wrong with that?!

Ben:I mean, Larry's great. He's reliable, he's honest...

Leslie:Ben, everyone hates Larry.

Ben:They do?

Joan:I'll have your signature cocktail.

Bartender:That's a combination of vodka, cranberry juice, and oxycodone.

Joan:Perfect. I'm in a lot of pain.

Tammy:Jeremy, your hair is so curly. I wonder if the carpet matches the drapes.

Jeremy:Tammy, that's inappropriate.

Tammy:Oh please, everyone wonders.

Andy:We should get divorced just so we can get married again.

April:I love that idea.

Andy:Right? We could do it next weekend.

April:I'm already looking up lawyers.

Tom:You know what? I'm gonna take a 'You-ie.' That's a photo of you.

Tom:It's the opposite of a selfie.

Ron:They deserve each other. Within six months, they'll either be married or one of them will be dead.

Leslie:Ron, you've been secretly performing as a smooth jazz saxophonist this whole time?

Ron:It's not something I advertise.

Leslie:Not advertise? Ron, you've been lying to me! To all of us! How could you—wait, that solo on 'Midnight in Pawnee' was YOU?

Ron:Yes.

Leslie:Oh my God, Ron, that was beautiful. I'm not even mad anymore. Actually, I'm deeply moved. But here's what's going to happen: you're going to perform at the Harvest Festival, you're going to let me document it for the Parks Department social media, and you're going to smile—just a little—while you do it.

Ron:Absolutely not.

Leslie:Ron.

Ron:...We'll discuss it.

Leslie:Wait, Ron played saxophone? Ron, you're a man of so many hidden talents.

Ron:I don't think of it as hidden. I simply don't discuss my personal affairs.

Leslie:Well, you were incredible. I had no idea you could play like that. Ron, you have to teach me. Please. I'm begging you.

Ron:Absolutely not.

Leslie:Why not?

Ron:Because you're loud and you don't listen, and those are the two worst qualities in a student of the saxophone.

Andy:You're a federal employee, right? So you can revive canceled TV shows?

Leslie:Ed, you're fired. You're incompetent and you're lazy.

Terry:Terry agrees.

Leslie:Ed, I'm going to have to let you go. You lost those files and that's just unacceptable.

Leslie:And Terry, your coffee order is always wrong anyway.

Leslie:But Ed, back to you — you're fired.

Mona Lisa Saperstein · Tom Haverford:You remember the time you made me dress up as you, and go on a date with one of your ex-boyfriends? And then the guy immediately figured it out, and beat me up? / Oh... / Now you remember that I got beat up.

Ron Swanson:Thank you, Andrew. But fun or not, playing music is something I like to keep private, along with my family, my conversations, and my whereabouts at all times.

Andy Dwyer:Your mission, should you choose to accept it, is to accept the following missions.

Andy Dwyer:Larry. Staying out of the way.

Andy Dwyer:Your main goal today is to get 2,000 people to sign up for the Pawnee-Eagleton Merger Preservation Volunteer Action Squad. / Their first project will be to come up with a shorter name for the group.

Leslie Knope:You're right, the name is too long, I was picturing bigger hats.

Craig Middlebrooks:The story of these nuts is... they're mixed.

Perd Hapley · Craig Middlebrooks:Well, will there be music, food... And a location? / Yes. / Good, because in this reporter's opinion, it's not a party unless there's music, food, and a location.

Chris:It's not that great. Doesn't even look like you. Or actually, you know what? It kinda does.

The Decemberists (real band):Hello, Pawnee, we're The Decemberists. / It's great to be here. This is truly an amazing town. I ordered a small cheeseburger and both the buns were pizzas.

Jean-Ralphio · Joan Callamezzo:Victoria Secret supermodel Karlie Kloss? Really? Where? / Wait a second. You're not Karlie, you're my friend, Joan Callamezzo. / They don't even allow me in Victoria's Secret anymore. / Why? / Yeah.

Jean-Ralphio:The only reason I wouldn't be there is if I got pulled over. For violating my house arrest.

Jean-Ralphio:Judge gave me two ankle bracelets. Said it was the first time he ever had to do that. Ja boy's a question on the bar exam! Ya heard!

Jeremy Jamm:You ever heard of Warrant? / Yeah. / There's a cover band right here, that call themselves Cherry Pie. Pretty sure we got their bass player.

Donna Meagle:Ginuwine, it is an honor to be breathing the same air as you. No joke. But real talk, we're both men about town being constantly bombarded with party invitations.

Donna Meagle · Ginuwine:Unless you want me to get on stage and talk about how we used to take baths together. How you cried whenever I took away your rubber duckies. / Damn, Donna, why you gotta bring the Quackson Five into this?

Andy Dwyer:Imaginary friends are cool / Imaginary friends take the fall for you

Ron Swanson · Tammy Swanson:Preparing a ritual sacrifice of a newborn? / No, just trolling for some daddy. Sorry, I pronounced that wrong. I'm trolling for some dad-dy.

Ron Swanson:Diane, why don't you take the girls for some ice cream while I dispose of this sewer-dwelling gutter witch?

Tammy Swanson:I will defeat you right into my pants.

Andy Dwyer:I always figured we'd break up because I got drafted by the Colts. And then in the first game, of course, I break my leg. The crowd starts chanting my name, and I give them the thumbs up. And then I go to the hospital, I get really good at chess, I end up beating the computer finally. And then the band just sort of drifts apart. That was how I saw it.

April Ludgate · Andy Dwyer:One kid peed his pants because he didn't want to miss anything. / What? / I gave a kid pee-pants? / Yes! / That's why I do what I do.

Leslie Knope:I hope you like deep-dish pizza, because there's gonna be a lot more of it in Chicago, where we're all gonna be moving.

April Ludgate:Pawnee is cheap and we like it here, and Chicago seems like there's a lot of stuff to do and people, but I like to do nothing with no one. So, thank you and I love you, but no thank you, and I hate you. More I love you.

Band member:Thank you, Pawnee! We have been Bobby Knight Ranger!

Band member:Thursday night we're opening for Steely Dan Quayle!

Andy Dwyer:Super cool to hear Sister Christian that many times in a row!

Ben:I don't know, it sounds pretty good to me. The windy city, me, my lady, my boy Lar-bones...

Craig · someone:I once got into a cab that Kyra Sedgwick was getting out of! / No way, the closer?

Dr. Saperstein:Can you squeeze me in, or do I need a reservation? 'Cause there's nobody here.

Joan Callamezzo · Perd Hapley:I'll have the 'Joan.' It's a tumbler of gin and it's got crushed aspirin around the rim. / And I would just like an empty glass.

Jeremy Jamm:Yeah, sure, man, you got it, no problem. I mean, dudes gotta stick together, right? Right? Man, she is wearing that dress, though. Oh! Mmm.

Ron:Promise me you won't sleep with her, even though it would be quite easy, and certainly mind-blowing.

Barney · Ben Wyatt:Hi, Ben! It's me, Barney, from the accounting firm. Yes, hi, Barney. You don't have to introduce yourself every time.

Ben Wyatt · Barney:This is amazing. How can I ever repay you? / Come work for us at the accounting firm? / Okay. / No, sorry, I can't. / Wow. Shortest one yet.

Tammy Swanson:I wonder if the carpet is as curly as the drapes.

Andy Dwyer · April Ludgate:Babe, thank you so much for organizing the Mouse Rat reunion. / It was actually Ginuwine who arranged everything. He really cares about you.

Andy Dwyer · April Ludgate:Let's get divorced. That way we can get married again! / Yes! Let's do it. You want to? / Yes! / We should do that, right? / Yeah, totally. / We're getting divorced! / Yes!

Tom Haverford · Ben Wyatt · Leslie Knope:Except for Liam Hemsworth and Miley Cyrus. I was hoping tonight would be magical enough to get them back together. / Let it go, friend. He's not good enough for her. / And vice-versa!

Dr. Saperstein:I just had the best Italian meal I've ever had in my life. And I've been to Dallas.

Tom Haverford:Do you mind if I snap a 'You-ie'? / It's what I call selfies of other people.

Tom:It's what I call selfies of other people.

Andy:Our goal was to get 2,000 signatures in support of the merger. We got almost 4,000 on the first night!

Andy:'Card one of six.' / Okay, I'm not reading this whole thing. Mr. Tom Haverford!

Leslie Knope · Ron Swanson:Man, I'm gonna miss Pawnee. I wish I could stay. Keep an eye on it, raise my kids here. And let's be honest, am I ever gonna find a better breakfast than JJ's Diner? / You will not, no.

Ron Swanson:With your courage and small frame, you'd make an excellent coal miner.

Leslie Knope:And by the way, don't think that we are not discussing Duke Silver. When were you going to tell me about that? Unbelievable. I am so furious at you. But I've already forgiven you and you need to teach me how to play the saxophone. Okay, bye.

Ben:Also, can you bring back Power Rangers? I don't know what it is you do, but you seem important enough to get that done.

Ben Wyatt:Also, can you bring back Power Rangers? I don't know what it is you do, but you seem important enough to get that done.

Leslie Knope:Sometimes you have to make the hardest climb to see the most beautiful sunrise. I read that once on an old lady's decorative pillow.

Leslie Knope · Terry/Larry · Ed:Ed, you're a nice guy, but you're the most incompetent person I've ever worked with. And that includes Terry. / Jeez. Get it together, Terry. / Clean out your desk. You're fired. / I understand. Thank you for the literally hundreds of opportunities you've given me.

Andy Dwyer · Ben Wyatt:How many bags of marshmallows do I give them? / None. Just let April do everything.

Leslie Knope · Ben Wyatt:Oh, God, one day in the distant future, things will be calm and normal, right? / Probably not. / But that's okay. / You ready? / Not at all. But that's never stopped us before.