Andy And Aprils Fancy Party

Tom Haverford:I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna street park my Mercedes.

Tom Haverford:You know what? Nobody's gonna steal it anyway. I drive a Saturn. Those things are so ugly, they're theft-proof.

Ron:I don't go to the dentist. My teeth are fine.

Leslie:Ron, you need to see a dentist.

Ron:Absolutely not. Dentists are government agents designed to weaken our jaws.

Leslie:That's not—

Ron:They use their tools to spy on us. Communist tools. I will not have a stranger poking around in my mouth with their instruments of surveillance and decay.

Ron:If I go to a dentist, the government wins.

Ron:I already went to the dentist.

Ron:I was just enjoying the luxury of a strong negative reaction.

Andy:We're having a dinner party at our home.

Andy:Well, we don't have a home, but we're having a dinner party.

April:We're throwing a dinner party because we want people to come to our house and eat food.

Andy:Yeah, that's what a dinner party is.

Andy:Dinner parties are like... okay, imagine if a waffle had the organizational skills of a binder, and you combined that with the friendship of a campfire, but the campfire was made of whipped cream instead of logs.

Ben:I'm going to the party, but only if you promise to have guacamole.

Ben:And a seven-piece mariachi band.

Ben:And someone to narrate my arrival.

Ben:And a live falcon.

Ben:And a chocolate fountain that's at least twelve feet tall.

Ben:And for some reason, a second falcon.

Leslie:Ben, Pawnee is the greatest town in the entire state of Indiana.

Leslie:Actually, it's the greatest town in the entire Midwest.

Leslie:No wait, it's the greatest town in the entire world.

Leslie:It's the greatest town in the galaxy.

Tom:Hey Jerry, that's a really nice shirt.

Jerry:Really? Thanks, Tom!

Tom:Yeah, I was trying to be nice, but honestly... it makes you look like a thumb in a tuxedo.

Ben:Wait, is this the cake I asked for?

Jerry:Well, it's a cake... made from quinoa, kale, and nutritional yeast.

Ben:That's not cake. That's a war crime against cake.

Jerry:I thought you wanted something healthy!

Ben:Healthy cake is still cake, Jerry. This is just... punishment.

Ron:That's a waste of a perfectly good cake, and a waste of a perfectly good loaf. It's a double crime.

Ann:Donna! I didn't know you were coming to the singles event!

Donna:I'm not here to mingle. I'm here to observe and report back to you with a full tactical assessment of the male population.

Ann:That's... actually really helpful, thank you.

Donna:I've already identified three potential threats, two escape routes, and enough snack inventory to sustain us through a siege.

Ann:Donna, why are you being so hostile to me?

Donna:Because you're a bad investment. You come with high maintenance costs, low return on investment, and you depreciate faster than a 2001 Hyundai.

Ann:That's... that's not how people work.

Donna:Supply and demand, Ann. You're oversupplied and underwhelming. The market has spoken.

Andy:Wait, you're leaving? No, no, no. You can't leave. You're like the responsible one. You're like if I had a brain and a job. I need you here.

Donna:Donna to Ann at the party: 'Do you know where you are right now? We're in the jungle. There are no friends here. It's every woman for herself.'

Ben:Actually, I am a Lord of the Rings nerd. But Tolkien's prose style is needlessly baroque and the appendices are self-indulgent.

Andy:We're getting married!

Andy:To each other.

Tom:Wait, why are we getting married so young?

Ann:We're not getting married young, Tom. We're getting married at a normal age.

Tom:Normal? Ann, I'm only 36. That's basically still a teenager in Tom years.

Ann:That's not how years work.

Tom:Oh, so now you're a scientist? Next you'll tell me the Earth is round and we didn't evolve from eagles. Ann, we're throwing our lives away. In five years I'll be dead. In ten years, definitely dead. It'll be like The Notebook, except sadder and with more bankruptcy filings.

Andy:Well, I was at Sweetums, right? And I was buying some candy, and I dropped a lollipop on the ground. And April picked it up. And she was like, 'Do you want this?' And I was like, 'Yeah.' And then she was like, 'Okay.' And I realized in that moment that I wanted to spend the rest of my life with someone who would pick up a lollipop off the ground and give it to me.

Leslie:We have no place to live.

Andy:What? We can just buy a house.

Leslie:Andy, we don't have any money.

Andy:Oh right, yeah. Can't you just... ask the bank for some money and they give it to you?

Leslie:No, that's not how it works.

Andy:What if we build one? I'm pretty handy. I once fixed a doorknob.

Leslie:A good relationship requires planning. You have to schedule date nights, plan conversations, set relationship milestones.

Leslie:It's like having a hairdresser. You don't just show up whenever you feel like it. You book an appointment six weeks in advance, you build a relationship with them, you're loyal to them.

Leslie:If you cheat on your hairdresser and go to a different salon, they KNOW. They can tell. And it damages the relationship forever.

Ron:Julia Roberts? I have no interest in seeing a woman portray power that she has no business wielding. Also, her teeth are too big for her mouth.

Ann:I'm a sporting goods manager, just like you.

Ann:Actually, no, I'm not. I have no idea why I just said that.

Brian:I said, you have a pretty smile.

Ann:Thanks, you too!

Donna:Ann, you can't flirt. You're like that feral child from the movies.

Ann:What? I can too flirt!

Donna:No. You just did it right there and it looked like you were having a stroke. You're Nell from Nell.

Donna · Ann:Donna drags Ann away and says: 'That was the worst thing I've ever seen in my life. Did you grow up in the woods? Are you Nell from the movie Nell?'

April:What? No. I'm marrying Andy. I've already planned our entire life together. We're going to have three kids, name them after poisons, live in a house made of reclaimed wood, and I'm going to slowly poison him over the course of thirty years so he dies thinking I actually loved him.

April:It's a very detailed plan. I've had it written out since high school.

Tom Haverford:So I'm telling you, the key to a good relationship is communication. I learned that the hard way.

Tom Haverford:My wife was upset with me for like three weeks. Three weeks! And you know what I was worried about? Whether my Halloween costume still fit.

Tom Haverford:Turns out she wanted to talk about our marriage, but I was like, 'Honey, can this wait? I need to see if I can still pull off being a sexy nurse.'

Andy:Wait, that shirt... that's genius! You're doing like, an ironic thing, right? Like you're making fun of how bad it is by wearing it on purpose? That's actually hilarious, Jerry. I totally get it now.

Tom:Okay, so we're gonna get a DJ, open bar, maybe some—

Tom:You know what, a DJ is expensive. We'll just use my Spotify playlist.

Tom:Actually, someone's phone with Spotify. I'm not paying for premium.

Tom:We'll just... play music from a laptop speaker.

Tom:You know what? Someone can hum. We'll have someone hum the entire party.

Leslie:Ann! Ann, thank God. I need your help. We have to stop this wedding.

Leslie:I know, I know, it sounds crazy, but I have a plan. Well, not a plan exactly. More like... a series of increasingly desperate actions that I'm hoping will somehow work out.

Leslie:Okay, fine. I have no plan. I have nothing. I'm just going to show up and wing it and hope that something I say resonates with someone and they decide not to get married.

Leslie:What? No, that's a terrible plan. But it's the only plan I've got.

Unknown character:Orin, are you asking me or telling me?

Orin:Does it matter?

Ann:Wait, you two got engaged? When did this happen?

April:Like two hours ago.

Ann:Two hours ago? That's so fast!

Andy:I know, right? It was faster than a microwave burrito.

Wedding Officiant:We are gathered here today in the presence of these witnesses to join this man and this woman in the bonds of matrimony, which is an honorable and ancient tradition dating back to time immemorial, or as Shakespeare would say, 'To marry or not to marry, that is not the question, because we're already here, so let's just do it.'

April:Andy, when I first met you, I thought you were stupid. Then I realized you were just happy. I have never loved anyone the way I love you. I don't ever want to spend a minute without you.

April:Also, do we have any non-dairy creamer?

Andy:I promise to protect you from any harm. I will shield you from danger, keep you safe from all threats...

Andy:And if anyone ever tries to hurt you, I will... I will take them down. Especially your mother. Your mom is going down.

Ron Swanson:Those doves are just sitting there.

Leslie Knope:They'll fly away when they're ready.

Ron Swanson:One of them is dead.

Ron:Look, I've been married three times. The key to a successful marriage is simple: never talk to your wife. And when you do get divorced, just burn an effigy of her in the town square like a normal person.

Leslie:Ron, you've been married three times.

Ron:Yes, and I'm very much looking forward to burning the third effigy.

Andy:Andy's wedding announcement speech: 'Attention everybody. Madames and... Mis... Wahs. If you would do me the obligation of having your honor heretofore in the room doth right over there, uh, hence.'

April's sister:I just want to say that April and Andy are perfect for each other. They complement each other in ways I've never seen before. Andy brings out the best in April, and April grounds Andy in ways that make him a better person. Watching them together has taught me what real love looks like.

April's sister:So with that said, can someone please tell me where the bathroom is?

Jean-Ralphio:Dude, you gotta open with a joke. Like, 'Why did the chicken cross the road? To get away from Tom Haverford!' No wait, that doesn't work. Um, 'What do you call a guy who's about to lose his freedom? Tom!' Better. Oh! 'Tom's so dumb, he thought a prenup was a new drink at Starbucks.' Gold, dude, gold.

Jean-Ralphio:Then you gotta tell stories about his wild days. Like the time he spent six thousand dollars on a single bottle of champagne, or when he tried to start a clothing line called 'Rent-a-Swag.' The bride loves that stuff. Chicks dig hearing about how much money your buddy wasted.

Jean-Ralphio:And definitely make it about you. Like, talk about how you're gonna miss your best friend, and how no woman is good enough for him, and honestly maybe suggest that he call off the wedding. That's what best men do, right?

Jean-Ralphio:Oh, and end it by saying something real heartfelt, like, 'Ben, you're my boy, and I love you more than I love—' actually no, don't say that. Just end with 'Treat 'Em Mean!' That's my motto and it always works, bro.

Tom:Yeah, I'm not going to try to follow that. I can't compete with that. That was beautiful.

Tom:I'm just going to sit down.

Ann:It went really well! He was so understanding and supportive.

Donna:That's great, Ann.

Ann:Yeah, I told him all about my digestive issues and showed him my skin condition photos. He didn't even flinch!

Donna:...Ann.

Ann:I'm not a doctor, I'm a nurse.

Donna:A hot young nurse.

Ann:And I'm 31.

Andy:Tom's single, ladies. He's available, he's ready to mingle.

Tom:Actually, I'm seeing someone.

Andy:Oh. Well, he's... he might be seeing someone. We're not entirely sure.

Tom:I'm definitely seeing someone.

Andy:He's definitely maybe seeing someone. Also, we're not 100% sure which gender he prefers, so... you know, play it cool.

Andy:The key to a good marriage is not overthinking things. You just gotta go with your gut, you know? Don't second-guess yourself.

Andy:That's literally what April and I do. We just... we don't think about anything. We got married after like two weeks of dating.

Random guy:Wait, you just got married? At the thing I was just at?

April:Yeah.

Random guy:Oh my God, I was there! I thought that was a funeral.

Donna:Just play completely dumb about who you are. Men love that.

Andy:Hey everyone, we're having the best time here in the Dominican Republic!

April:It's incredible.

Andy:We wanted to send you all a special message.

April:Andy, you're doing it wrong.

Andy:Doing what wrong?

April:The way you're holding the camera. You're tilting it. It's making me nauseous.

Andy:I'm holding it fine.

April:No, you're not. I want a divorce.

Ann · Donna:Ann reports back to Donna: 'He proudly told me that he beat herpes.'

Donna · Ann:Donna to Ann about finding a man: 'What? Listen, you are a hot, young doctor.' Ann: 'I'm a nurse, actually.' Donna: 'Okay, I don't know you.'

Andy · Tom:Tom's best man speech: 'I just want to thank my family, my friends, most importantly, my best best man, Mr. Tom Haverford. Oh! Coolest guy I know.'

Andy · Tom:Andy to Tom during the speech: 'And, ladies, he's single, I think. You're not still married, are you?' Tom: 'No.' Andy: 'But you... you're straight?' Tom: 'Yes.' Andy: 'Jean-Ralphio's just a friend?' Tom: 'Yeah.'

Andy:Andy's speech: 'I cannot emphasize how little we thought about this.'

Orin · Unknown:Orin approaches someone and talks about 'mortality.' Person: 'See, I like to take each day at a time... I have to go. It's been great talking to you.'

Orin · Ann:Ann is cornered by Orin: 'Exactly. Mortality. See, I like to take each day at a time. There's nothing in the world we can't accomplish if we try. I have to go. It's been great talking to you.'

Andy · Unknown Man:A stranger at the wedding asks about April: 'What's the deal with that hot girl, April? Like, she good to go? Like, she down to clown?' Andy: 'She's married.' Man: 'Got it.' Andy: 'She got married, like, 20 minutes ago.' Man: 'Oh, my God. That's the same girl from the thing.' Andy: 'From the wedding ceremony, yeah.'

Unknown Man · Andy:The stranger's conclusion: 'All the good ones are taken, huh, bro?' Andy (long pause): 'Yeah.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie and Ben realize Orin is standing directly behind Leslie. Ben: 'Orin's behind me, isn't he?' / 'Don't panic, 'cause he can smell fear.' Then immediately: 'Run.'

Donna · Ann:Donna teaches Ann the texting game: 'Hope we can get together soon.' / 'Okay, now you write, Who is this?'

Andy · April:Honeymoon video: Andy: 'Roberta here turns out sucks at water-skiing so bad.' April: 'I'm gonna divorce you.' Andy: 'Andy sucks at driving a boat. And I'm gonna divorce him, probably right now.'

Unknown:Final line: 'Well, they're still together. You owe me 20 bucks.'