Soulmates

Chris:Pawnee is number one in obesity!

Chris:No, we are not.

Chris:I do a lot of cardio. I wake up at 5 AM, I run up the stairs at City Hall, I do 200 push-ups, 300 sit-ups, and a thousand yard run in below 7 minutes.

Chris:Then I take the stairs back down, and I do it all again.

Ann:Oh my God, did you see the way Joe was looking at Leslie? It was like he was mentally undressing her with his eyes. His pupils were dilating, his jaw was slack, he was basically drooling on himself. It was like watching a nature documentary where the male animal spots a potential mate and just completely loses all sense of decorum and self-control.

Ann Perkins:Don't freak out, but Joe from Sewage just unhooked your bra with his eyes.

Chris:Red meat has been linked to heart disease, high cholesterol, and various forms of cancer.

Ron:Everything you just said is wrong. Red meat has actually made me live longer and given me the physique of a 25-year-old man.

Chris:Why don't you try a turkey burger? They're actually pretty good.

Ron:A turkey burger? That's just a regular burger made of turkey. I want a burger made of beef. In fact, I want two beef burgers, placed between two slices of bread that are also beef.

Chris:That's just a beef sandwich.

Ron:No, it's a burger. And I'm going to have it between two pieces of bacon instead of bread.

Ron:A turkey burger? Why would anyone eat that? It's like going to a strip club and ordering a hamburger. You're there for one thing.

Chris:What do I get if I win the cook-off?

Ron:You get to watch me beat you. And then I'll beat you again. And then I'll beat you one more time, just to make sure you understand who the superior cook is.

Ben:I got in a little trouble at the snow globe museum.

Leslie:What kind of trouble?

Ben:I may have broken a snow globe.

Leslie:Oh, that's not so bad. I'm completely banned from there.

Leslie:So, do you want to get dinner sometime?

Ben:I... yes, I mean... dinner is... that sounds great.

Leslie:So... babe. That's cool. We're still cool, babe.

Leslie:When I asked Ben out, he got so flustered he went to the wrong office to get his coat. He was like, 'I'll meet you at the car,' and then he walked into the Parks Department instead of going to his own office.

Leslie:Oh my god, Ann! No! This is... this is the worst day of my life!

Ann:Leslie, I haven't even done it yet.

Leslie:What?

Ann:I'm just thinking about doing it.

Leslie:Ann, you are a hero. A hero!

Ann:Leslie, I literally haven't done anything.

Leslie:A HERO.

Ann:I haven't even taken the test yet.

April:I was talking to this guy named Forp.

Ron:Forp?

April:Yeah, Forp.

Andy:Chris taught me all about nutrition. He said you should eat things with a lot of fiber, and things with a lot of protein, and things with a lot of vitamins.

Andy:So I've been eating a bowl of fiber cereal, a bowl of protein powder, and a bowl of vitamins. All separate bowls. Sometimes I mix them together, but then it tastes like a vitamin.

April:I've stopped trying to understand your food choices. It's like watching someone intentionally set themselves on fire, except the fire is mozzarella sticks.

Leslie:Okay, Ann, how does this sound? 'I'm Leslie Knope. I love waffles, my job, and making lists. I once got drunk and told the entire Parks Department that I was in love with someone. It was the best night of my life.'

Ann:Leslie, no. That's... why would you lead with that? Here, let me help. 'Enthusiastic public servant with a passion for her community and a quirky sense of humor. Looking for someone who can keep up with my ambition and doesn't mind if I occasionally talk about government.'

Leslie:Ann, that's boring. Nobody's going to swipe right on that.

Ann:Leslie, they're not going to swipe right on yours either because you literally just described your drunk confession to the entire office.

Leslie:I'm really into jamming.

Ann:Jamming? Like music?

Leslie:No, city planning. I'm jamming on zoning ordinances and municipal codes.

Ann:Leslie, 'jamming' doesn't make planning sound any cooler.

Ann:You should take a romantic trip! Paris, Venice, the Maldives...

Leslie:Those are great, but you know what's really romantic? Pawnee. Specifically the sewage treatment plant at sunset. We can get matching hard hats and really let the ambiance of industrial waste management set the mood.

Ann:Why don't you just go outside and enjoy real nature?

Leslie:Ann, you know I'm terrified of bees. Out there, nature is trying to kill me. In here, the nature is fake, so it's safe. I can actually relax.

Leslie:I have no opinion on turtles. I think they're just fine, but I could take them or leave them. They're fine. They're doing their thing, I'm doing mine. We're cool.

Leslie:My ideal man is mysterious, sophisticated, cultured, talented beyond measure, with a dark past that makes him complex and brooding.

Ann:Leslie, that's the Phantom of the Opera.

Ron:I'm here observing. I treat healthy people like zoo animals in their natural habitat.

Ron:I'm not going to make any sudden movements. These people are skittish.

Ron:If I speak in a calm, soothing voice, I might be able to get him to eat this processed deli meat out of my hand.

Ann:Oh my god, Leslie! I'm so excited to hear who your match is!

Leslie:I know, right? I've been waiting all day to tell you.

Ann:Well come on, don't keep me in suspense! Who is it?

Leslie:Okay, okay... it's Ben.

Leslie:Tom is like a little sister to me.

Leslie:Wait, you met your wife on a dating site? Which one?

Craig:Match.com

Leslie:Match.com? That's a site for people who have given up on love and are just trying to find someone, anyone, before they die alone. Your wife settled for you on a website for settlers.

Ann:Wait, you're not concerned that Andy hasn't shown up to work in three days?

April:Ann, he does this like once a month. Last time he was missing for a week, and it turned out he was just sitting in his car in the parking lot eating pudding.

Ann:That's... that's not normal behavior.

April:Yeah, but it's Andy behavior. There's a difference.

Ann:You need to stop dating these guys. You have a serious problem.

Leslie:I know. I'm going to conduct a douche-vestigation.

Leslie:What do you look for in women?

Joe:Pulse. Optional.

Store employee:We have a vegan bacon option.

Ron:I'm intrigued.

Store employee:Sir, you can't eat all the samples.

Ron:I'm doing this for everyone's safety. Someone needs to make sure these vegan products are actually inedible.

Andy:Ron, I actually wanted to try one.

Ron:Too late. I've neutralized the threat.

April:I'm eating healthy now.

Andy:Oh yeah? Well I made something called 'Andy's Mouth Surprise.'

April:That's a terrible name for an already terrible food.

Tom:I have names for all my foods. Breakfast food is 'morning magic.' Lunch is 'noon noms.' Dinner is 'evening feast.' Snacks between meals are 'flavor soldiers.' Dessert is 'sweet dream team.' Beverages are 'liquid joy.' Condiments are 'flavor ninjas.' Cheese is 'dairy gold.' Bacon is 'meat candy.' And pizza is just 'pizza' because pizza is perfect and needs no improvement.

Leslie:If you had three wishes, what would they be?

Tom:First wish: a lifetime supply of Sweetums candy and soda, but only the limited edition flavors.

Tom:Second wish: a 2015 Lexus, fully loaded.

Tom:Third wish: more wishes.

Tom:Okay, I wish that Jamie Foxx and I become best friends. We hang out all the time. We go to Lakers games together. We get matching tattoos. His says 'Tom' and mine says 'Jamie.' But then one day he's like, 'Hey man, I'm going to Africa to build schools.' And I'm like, 'I'm coming with you, brother!' So we go to Africa and we're building schools, but then I realize I'm better at it than him. So I start building schools without him. And pretty soon I'm like the most famous school builder in the world. And Jamie Foxx calls me crying like, 'Why did you leave me?' And I'm like, 'Because I'm better than you, Jamie.'

Tom:He wants to play both leads in a Point Break remake

Andy:April, can you grab me some milk, eggs, and bread?

April:Sure. Also, I named the shopping cart Mittens.

Andy:Why Mittens?

April:I named the other one Professor Whiskers and the third one is just called Steven.

Andy:What's the logic?

April:There is none. I just do things.

Leslie:Tom, I just want to share some of my accomplishments with you. In high school, I was voted most likely to succeed, I was captain of the debate team, and I had a brief lesbian experience.

Tom:Wait, wait, wait. Go back to the lesbian thing.

Leslie:It was just experimental, Tom.

Tom:I don't care, keep going.

Leslie:Well, I also graduated summa cum laude and I've been published in three academic journals.

Tom:Yeah, okay, I'm gonna go.

Ron:I go to a store called 'The Container Store.' I love it. I'm very literal. So I assumed it was a store that sells containers. It is. But I also assumed that, eventually, they would just be selling the store itself in a container. Like, a little tiny store, that fits in a container. I'm still waiting.

Cashier:Will that be all for you today?

Ron:Yes. I have everything I need: bacon, eggs, and Scotch. A man could live on these three things alone.

Cashier:That's... quite a diet.

Ron:It's not a diet. It's a way of life.

Leslie:Tom, you got a match on the dating site!

Tom:Wait, did you set this up? Did you create a fake profile to match with me?

Leslie:No! It's a real person.

Tom:So you're telling me an actual human woman swiped right on me? That seems... unlikely.

Tom:Yo, yo, yo. Leslie and me, we got something special. It's like... *beatboxing* Leslie in the place to be, Tom Haverford, that's me. We're dating now, yeah. Her love is like a government contract, I don't understand it but I'm gonna profit off it. Boom!

Tom:This place has great bones. Perfect for a young family. We could put the nursery right there, convert the garage into a man cave for me... Obviously, I'd need to negotiate that with my future wife.

Tom:I'm thinking we get married in the spring, honeymoon in Bora Bora, have our first kid by next year. It's all very doable if we play our cards right.

Leslie:I'm really uncomfortable right now.

Tom:That's what I'm here for. I'm like a human blanket, but instead of warmth, I provide crippling anxiety and a strong smell of cologne.

Ben:So... this is awkward.

Leslie:We need to get our heart rates up.

Tom:That's what she said.

Ben:Tom!

Tom:I'm telling you, Leslie, I'm gonna be a millionaire by next year. I can feel it.

Leslie:Tom, you'd be lucky if you had a million dollars by next lifetime.

Tom:I walked into a glass door at the Apple Store. It's not a problem though, because I'm covered by AppleCare.

Andy:Mmm, this is delicious! What is this?

April:That's the garnish.

Andy:Oh.

Tom Haverford · Leslie Knope:Do you wanna go to lunch? / No, I don't really feel like going to J.J.'s. / We can go anywhere. Your choice. I'm buying. / Can I get apps and 'zerts?

Tom:Look, I'm not gonna lie to you. Leslie is a really good kisser.

Chris:This tastes like I'm eating Beyoncé's hair.

Kyle:Saffron and umami are really essential to this dish.

Andy:Oh come on, dude. You're being so pretentious right now.

Andy:I'm sorry, that was rude. You're right, saffron is great.

Ron:I'll have a burger. A meat sandwich. Between two pieces of bread.

Chris:Wait, why did my burger lose? I don't understand.

Chris:Oh. I guess I haven't eaten my competition in years.

Andy:I swear on this dead crow, I will win that burger contest.

Chris:I have a strict no-dating policy in the workplace. It's a distraction, it compromises judgment, and it creates an uncomfortable dynamic that affects the entire department.

Ben:That's... that's a really good policy, actually.

Leslie:Yeah, Chris, that makes total sense.

Leslie:Ben, you won't believe what happened. I just found out I'm allergic to something.

Ben:What? To what?

Leslie:That's the thing — the doctor doesn't even know. He said it could be the beef, the bun, the condiments, or some mysterious ingredient he's never seen before.

Ben:So you don't know what to avoid?

Leslie:Nope. I'm basically allergic to mystery now.

Leslie:Online dating is like a game show where you have to pick a door, except all the doors are broken and one of them has a guy named Derek inside.

Leslie:I've decided to just accept things as they are. No more fighting City Hall. I'm going to embrace the status quo.

Tom:Wait, really? That doesn't sound like you at all.

Leslie:I know, but I'm serious. I'm going to date you and just... settle.

Tom:Oh my god, yes! Finally!

Leslie:I'm just kidding. I would never.

Tom:I have like five different dating profiles. I got my main one, my backup, my nerd one that I never check...

Leslie:Wait, you matched with your nerd profile?

Tom:Yeah.

Leslie:That's the one you never check?

Tom:Yeah.

Tom:My favorite movie is books.

Leslie:Tom, that's not even... books aren't movies.

Donna:If you ever talk about your dating profiles again, I will kill you in your sleep.

Tom Haverford:You're acting really weird. What did you even buy me lunch for? Just so you could yell at me for what I like about women?

Leslie Knope · Tom Haverford:This is insane, but you and I got matched up on hoosiermate.com. 98% match. Soul mate-level match. / You wanna date me! This is a date! / This is not a date, okay? You took me to a fancy restaurant, you paid for my meal, and you're trying to get to know me better.

Tom Haverford:[Tom begins singing a rap/song about Leslie and Tom dating as they leave the restaurant]

Tom Haverford · Leslie Knope:Oh, this is perfect for us. Three-bedroom, and... Oh, God, Les. It has that dream closet you've always wanted. A walk-in closet. Oh, God. Hey, hey, boo. What's wrong? Where did you go? Come back to me. / Stop it. / Don't disappear on me. I need you, boo.

Tom Haverford:Ben, if it's okay with you, Leslie and I are going to lead the meeting today, because of our deep spiritual connection.

Tom Haverford:There is some weird juju in this room right now.

Leslie Knope · Tom Haverford:We give everyone pedometers and we have a contest. Whoever takes the most steps wins a prize. Anything to get their heart rate up. / You know what else gets people's heart rate up? / Doing it. / Talking about sex with my boss.

Leslie Knope · Tom Haverford:What is wrong with you? Leslie. It's the workplace. You're being a little bit too feisty right now. / You are being a little bit too much of an ass right now. Okay? Knock it off.

Tom Haverford · Leslie Knope:I can't fight this feeling anymore. You and I, we're dating. / You should be so lucky.

Leslie Knope:It was all just a joke. I can assure you, there's nothing romantic going on between me and Tom. I have a very strict policy. No office relationships, particularly between a supervisor and an employee.

Chris Traeger · Leslie Knope:Look. Cucumber flower. / Wow, that's so cute. / Wait, that's a garnish. You're not supposed to eat that. / What?

Tom Haverford · Ben Wyatt:Fine. We got matched up on an online dating site. And I was messing with her, she got pissed. So, she took me out in the hallway and kissed me, out of revenge. / Really? / And as much as it pains me to admit this, it was not disgusting. / Okay. Well, I don't need the details. / I'm just saying. She knows what to do. / Like, I was impressed. / Yeah. / It was stirring. / Goodbye. / It felt like...

Chris Traeger:I humbly place before you my east-meets-west patented Traeger Turkey Burger, an Asian-fusion burger made with Willow Farms organic turkey, a toasted taleggio cheese crisp, papaya chutney, black truffle aioli, and microgreens on a gluten-free brioche bun. Enjoy.

Unknown:This tastes as delicious as Beyoncé smells. I'm guessing.

Unknown · Chris Traeger · Unknown (Kyle):What is this in here? Saffron? / Wow! Somebody's got a sharp palate. / I love the umami flavor. / Stop being so pretentious, Kyle. / Sorry.

Ron Swanson:Here's mine. It's a hamburger, made out of meat, on a bun, with nothing. Add ketchup if you want. I couldn't care less.

Chris Traeger:Ron, I am so disappointed. I thought that you and I were gonna have a real challenge. [Beat] Never mind. This is better.

Ron Swanson:Turkey can never beat cow, Chris. Sorry.

Chris Traeger:Well, I don't understand. I've tinkered with this recipe for years. Granted, it's been a long time since I've had a hamburger. [Chris tastes Ron's burger properly for the first time]

Chris Traeger:[Chris bites Ron's burger and has a revelation face — this is the visual payoff moment]

Chris Traeger:The commissary will continue to serve horrifying, artery-clogging hamburgers.

Andy Dwyer · Chris Traeger:Man. We spent, like, 50 hours working on those burgers. / I know. / Hard work never pays off. / Cooking is dumb.

Andy Dwyer:I swear on this dead crow that I will never cook for you.

Chris Traeger:I love you.

Chris Traeger:I just wanted to make sure that there were no hard feelings after I forced you to break up with Tom.

Chris Traeger:Because it's irrelevant. He oversees every department. It simply can't happen.

Chris Traeger:This is literally the best thing I've ever eaten. Mmm. And it's so bad for me. I'm gonna have to jog while I digest this. Excuse me.

Ben Wyatt · Leslie Knope:Hey. Well, I think I'm allergic to chutney. / Also, what's chutney? / No clue.

Ben Wyatt · Leslie Knope:Do you know that wildflower mural up on the second floor? Yeah? You wanna meet there? Yeah. Okay.

Leslie Knope:I don't know if the online thing is for me. I prefer to meet people in person. It's like door number two on Let's Make a Deal. Do you want the thing that you have, that you know you like, but isn't perfect, or do you give it up for what's behind door number two?

Leslie Knope:I think I like what I have. I'm gonna try to make it work with Tom. / I'm kidding!

Tom Haverford · Leslie Knope:I made 26 profiles, each designed to attract a different type of girl. Tom A. Haverford. Sporty and sexy. Tom B. Haverford, smooth and soulful. Which letter did you get? / N, Tom N. Haverford. / The N stands for nerd! I never even check that one, 'cause no one ever responds to it.

Tom Haverford · Leslie Knope:Tom N. Haverford collects globes. / Great. That's enough. / His favorite movie is books.

Leslie Knope · Donna Meagle:Donna? / Every time I want you to shut up, from now on. [Donna appears/does something]