Soulmates

Pawnee is, as you all know, the fourth most obese city in America. Soon to be number three. We're coming for you, San Antonio. No, we are not. We are slimming down.

I will be running backwards up the big hill behind the Walmart.

Don't freak out, but Joe from Sewage just unhooked your bra with his eyes.

Listen, if you're looking for a good time, why don't you come on down to the Toilet Party? That's what we call the Sewage Department.

Red meat can cause sluggishness, heart disease, even impotence. Has the opposite effect on me.

Is that a fried turkey leg inside a grilled hamburger? If so, yes. Delicious.

Why would anyone do that to themselves?

What do I get if I win? The rarest jewel of all. Victory over me, Ron Swanson.

I did get in trouble for shaking one... Yeah, I'm not allowed there anymore.

Uh...

Bye, babe.

He was like, 'Huh? What? Uh... Bye.' And then, he walked into an office that wasn't his.

I was... Crap on a crayfish. That really stings. I haven't pricked you, yet.

You're a monster. Still haven't done it, yet.

Who the hell is Forp? I don't know. I couldn't really hear him. It sounded like his name was Forp.

I'm getting healthier snacks for the shoeshine stand. Chris is a food genius. Did you know that the food you eat becomes energy? Yeah. Boom. That's spaghetti. Nachos. That's a cookie.

That's my husband.

Yellow-haired female. Likes waffles and news. Sexy, well-read blonde. Loves the sweeter things in life.

Organizing my agenda. Wait, that doesn't sound fun. Jamming on my planner.

Upstairs, there is this mural of wildflowers. And I like to sit on a bench in front of it. Really? It could be anywhere in the world. Paris, Hawaii, the Grand Canyon. Nope. Just the bench in front of the mural.

What about, like, an actual meadow where wildflowers are? Eww, Ann. I'm scared of bees. Mural.

They're condescending.

He's dark and mysterious. And he can sing. And he plays the organ. I think you just described the Phantom of the Opera.

I buy my burger ingredients at Food and Stuff, a discount food outlet equidistant from my home and my work. I came here for the same reason people go to the zoo.

Shh. Look at that thing. Nature is amazing.

Oh, my God. A 98% match? That's a soul mate-level match. I've never seen anything this high before.

Craig, your service is crap. Can you be more specific? Yes. Your soul mate match was totally wrong for me. I mean, I like him as a friend and everything, but I'd never go out with him. He's like a little sister to me.

Really? Well, that's not gonna last. Excuse me? You heard me. Your marriage is a sham. Goodbye, Craig.

He seems nice. Eh, he kind of lives in a barn.

But for whatever reason, right now, only douchey guys are buying what you're selling. So, I should go and ask them what they think I'm selling. A douche-vestigation.

She can't be in a wheelchair. No canes. No gray hair. So, basically, you're just attracted to me because I'm not an elderly person. Yeah. And as I aforementioned, you have a killer dumpster.

Would you like to sample our vegan bacon? 100% meatless. Yes, please.

Sir? Is there a problem? I'm just making sure no one ever has to eat this. I don't think I can give you any more. I want one.

Fresh lettuce is my all-time favorite food. What's your favorite food? Well, I take Skittles, and I put it between two Starbursts. You know what I call it? Skittle sandwich? That's pretty good. No, I call it Andy's mouth surprise.

I call sandwiches sammies, sandoozles, or Adam Sandlers. Air conditioners are cool blasterz, with a Z. I don't know where that came from. I call cakes big ol' cookies. I call noodles long-ass rice. Fried chicken is fry-fry chicky-chick. Chicken parm is chicky-chicky parm-parm. Chicken cacciatore? Chicky catch. I call eggs pre-birds or future birds. Root beer is super water. Tortillas are bean blankies. And I call forks food rakes.

First wish? I have a huge house with a ton of balconies. And I would just stand out there and survey my empire, like a drug dealer in a Michael Bay movie.

Okay. I'm the CEO of the Spike TV network. And my best friend slash personal assistant is Oscar winner Jamie Foxx. And we create a raunchy animated series based on our friendship, called Tommy and the Foxx.

They remake Point Break. I play both roles. Keanu and Swayze.

I said one thing. Honey? Pinwheel.

I once kissed a girl in college. Eight. Where I graduated summa cum laude in history. One. Zero. Negative a billion. Don't talk about it anymore, please.

I love Food and Stuff. It's where I buy all of my food. And most of my stuff.

Nope. Just the crows and the beef.

98% match. Soul mate-level match. You wanna date me! This is a date!

Leslie Knope, Tom Haverford / Dating in the day, dating in the night / Dating all day 'cause he's keeping it tight / All right, Tom. Enough. / Dating in the car, dating on the floor / Dating everywhere 'cause she wants some more

Oh, this is perfect for us. Three-bedroom, and... Oh, God, Les. It has that dream closet you've always wanted. A walk-in closet.

Hey, hey, boo. What's wrong? Where did you go? Come back to me. I need you, boo.

There is some weird juju in this room right now.

You know what else gets people's heart rate up? Doing it. Talking about sex with my boss.

I can't fight this feeling anymore. You and I, we're dating. You should be so lucky.

They should fix that.

Look. Cucumber flower. Wow, that's so cute. Wait, that's a garnish. You're not supposed to eat that. What?

Girl likes Indian food. What can I say?

And as much as it pains me to admit this, it was not disgusting. I'm just saying. She knows what to do. It was stirring. It felt like...

This tastes as delicious as Beyoncé smells. I'm guessing.

Stop being so pretentious, Kyle. Sorry.

Here's mine. It's a hamburger, made out of meat, on a bun, with nothing. Add ketchup if you want. I couldn't care less.

Granted, it's been a long time since I've had a hamburger.

Hard work never pays off. Cooking is dumb. I swear on this dead crow that I will never cook for you.

He oversees every department. It simply can't happen.

Hey. Well, I think I'm allergic to chutney. Also, what's chutney? No clue.

It's like door number two on Let's Make a Deal. Do you want the thing that you have, that you know you like, but isn't perfect, or do you give it up for what's behind door number two?

I think I like what I have. I'm gonna try to make it work with Tom. I'm kidding!

I made 26 profiles, each designed to attract a different type of girl. Tom A. Haverford. Sporty and sexy. Tom B. Haverford, smooth and soulful. Which letter did you get? N, Tom N. Haverford. The N stands for nerd!

Tom N. Haverford collects globes. Great. That's enough. His favorite movie is books.

Every time I want you to shut up, from now on.