Jerrys Painting

Ben:Leslie, your work on this project is really impressive. You've really put your paws into it.

Leslie:My paws?

Ben:I mean hands. Your hands. Sorry, I don't know why I said paws.

Chris:I heard you were having an affair with Tom.

Ben:What?! No! Chris, what are you talking about? I'm not having an affair with Tom!

Chris:Sparks are flying!

Chris:That's a government joke, because we work in government.

Leslie:I'm like a weak lightbulb. I flicker a lot and I'm not very bright.

Leslie:But you know what? I just want to find another lightbulb and make out with it.

Leslie:I'm going through a really tough time and I need my best friend to be there for me emotionally.

Ann:Have you tried Zoloft?

Tom:Oh, you're looking for a roommate? Dude, I know some amazing women. Smart, funny, really cool.

Ben:Actually, I just need someone to split rent with.

Tom:Right, right, that's what I'm saying. These women are—wait, what?

Ben:I just need a roommate. To save money.

Tom:Oh. Oh no. You're just looking for a roommate roommate.

Ben:Four stars!

Ben:Said nobody.

Tom:Hey Benihana!

Tom:First, I light some candles. Then I put on a little Marvin Gaye. I dim the lights, I pour some wine, I tell her she looks beautiful.

Ben:Okay, Tom, that's enough.

Tom:Then I slowly walk toward her, I take her hand, and I whisper in her ear—

Ben:Tom, stop. Stop.

Tom:I say, 'My name is Tom Haverford, and I am very, very rich.'

Ben:No, no, no!

April:Rule one: no shoes past the foyer. Rule two: all overnight guests must be approved by me in writing. Rule three: quiet hours are 24/7. Rule four: if you eat my food, you have to replace it within an hour. Rule five: no electricity after 6 PM.

Andy:Don't worry about it, Ben. The electricity is free.

April:New house rule: if you want to see me cry, you have to be wearing mascara. I don't care if you're a man. Those are the rules.

April:Also, no humming on Tuesdays.

Andy:He thinks he can patent the common practice of leaving TV on for security.

April:Want some gum?

Andy:Yeah, sure.

April:It's already been chewed.

Andy:That's fine.

Ron:Welcome to the art show. There are paintings here. Some of them have frames. All of them are made of paint. You will look at them, or you won't. Afterwards, there will be refreshments. They will be cold, or at room temperature. You may eat them, or you may not. Thank you.

Ron:Landscape painting is the art form of people who lack the courage to paint what they actually see. A tree doesn't need your interpretation. It's already perfect. Paint something that matters. Paint a tool. Paint a government building you're about to demolish.

Ron:And one more thing: do not talk to me about art. I don't know anything about it, and I don't want to know anything about it.

Ben:Why are there marbles in the skillet? And why are they... are they frying?

Ben:I don't even want to know. Actually, I do want to know. But I'm afraid of the answer.

April:They were frying marbles in a pan to see if they would pop. Their dangerous testing method failed and they learned their alarm doesn't work.

April:My roommate Ben doesn't know this, but I've been deliberately taking advantage of him financially. I use his Netflix password, I eat his food, I don't pay my share of utilities. He's too nice to say anything about it, so I just keep doing it.

Jerry:I've been working on a series of paintings. They're all nudes of my wife.

Leslie:Oh, that's... that's really sweet, Jerry.

Tom:Yeah man, very... intimate.

Jerry:Well, she doesn't know about them.

Leslie:Oh.

Tom:Oh no.

Leslie:Oh my God. Oh my God, is that... is that me?

Jerry:It's a centaur. I wasn't trying to make it look like you specifically.

Leslie:It's a nude centaur. A nude centaur with my face!

Jerry:I was just trying to paint something majestic.

Leslie:You painted me as a half-horse, fully naked creature!

Tom:Jerry says he gets his inspiration from nature. His disturbing interpretation of Jerry's artistic process involves a lot of time alone in the woods with a paintbrush and absolutely no witnesses.

Leslie:She can do so many things! She's amazing!

April:She can't fit through doorways.

Leslie:Wait, is that you?

Tom:Oh God. Oh no. Why would he paint me like that? I look like a scared pregnant baby.

Leslie:You do look a little nervous.

Tom:Nervous? I look like I'm about to give birth to a tire fire.

Tom:I'm trying to cultivate a certain image. You know, I want people to see me and think, 'Oh, there's a guy who's got his life together. Jay-Z vibe.' Not, you know, 'Oh, there's a fat, brown, baby.' Which is apparently my current vibe.

Marcia:This painting depicts bestiality.

Chris:Bestiality?

Marcia:So wait, when a centaur reproduces, is it... is the top half human and the bottom half horse, so like... which parts are involved exactly?

Marcia:And do they have two sets of reproductive organs or just the one? Because that seems inefficient.

Marcia:Also, how does that even work logistically? Like, do they need a partner who's also a centaur or can they breed with regular horses or humans?

Chris:Artistic nudity is a legitimate form of expression. I was actually in a production of Cats once where we performed completely nude.

Leslie:No, no, no. This is art. This painting is a commentary on the human condition. It's about vulnerability, about exposing our innermost fears.

Leslie:And clearly, it's a direct threat to Marcia.

Ben:April, why are you eating off a frisbee?

April:I think it's cute.

Ben:It's not cute. It's a frisbee. It's meant to be thrown, not eaten off of.

April:You can't leave. We already spent all your money on Xbox and more frisbees.

April:I don't want to be an adult. Can I just stay a kid and be miserable?

Perd:Are centaurs real?

Leslie:No.

Perd:You absolutely sure?

Ben:Wait, you're using bubble bath as detergent?

Andy:Yeah, bubbles clean stuff. Bubble bath has bubbles. Detergent has bubbles. They're the same thing.

Ben:That's not how that works.

Andy:Dude, bubbles are bubbles.

Perd:So, you started in the adult film industry at 18, and you're now 31, so that's 13 years in the business?

Brandi:Yes.

Perd:Fantastic!

Leslie:I'm trying to build support for my park project.

Brandi:Oh, that's great! You know what? I think more people should be having sex in public. It really brings the community together.

Leslie:That's... not what I meant.

Perd:Brandi, how would you define pornography?

Brandi:Pornography is material that depicts sexual acts in a graphic manner for the purpose of sexual arousal.

Andy:I put all my bills in the freezer so they won't get lost.

Brandi:Oh my God, is this you?

Tom:Yeah, that's me as a baby. My parents had it commissioned.

Brandi:You were... not a cute baby.

Tom:Well, I grew into my face.

Chris:He was hanging upside-down in gravity boots while watching TV

Leslie:I am confident about this decision. Commissioner Martinez is a man of integrity. Commissioner Chen is a woman of integrity. And Commissioner Gordon... well, he's just a guy who likes boats.

Chris:I'm not opposed to pornography. I think it serves an important purpose. I have a very small collection myself, mostly educational documentaries about human anatomy and sexuality.

Tom:I'm not fat, I'm just big-boned. And I look like Taye Diggs.

Jerry:No, you don't.

Tom:Well, maybe not exactly like him, but we have the same vibe.

Leslie:The Impressionists, the Bloomsbury Group, the Bauhaus movement...

Marcia:Nope.

Leslie:The Hudson River School?

Marcia:Nope.

Leslie:The Pre-Raphaelites?

Marcia:Nope.

Leslie:Surrealists?

Marcia:Europeans.

Art Commissioner:We've decided to destroy the painting.

Art Commissioner:It has nipples on it.

Ben:I can't go shopping, I have a date.

Andy:Oh, a date? That's great, man. What's his name?

Ben:His name? It's a woman.

Andy:Oh, okay, so just a regular date.

Ben:I have complete faith in Andy and April.

Ben:They're going to be fine. They're resourceful, they're capable... Okay, they're probably going to die.

Leslie:I am Prometheus, stealing fire from the gods!

Leslie:Like Odysseus, I navigate treacherous waters!

Leslie:I am a phoenix, rising from the ashes of bureaucratic mediocrity!

April:Look at all these As Seen on TV products.

Andy:We have to buy all of them. Right now. Everything we've ever seen advertised.

April:Andy, no.

Andy:Andy, yes!

Chris:I'm feeling angry and my heart is racing.

Ben:45 beats per minute is actually very slow, not fast.

Andy:April, I promise you, when we're married, I'm gonna shoot you with marshmallows while you sleep.

April:I'd have sex with that.

Andy:Yeah, me too.

Ben:Did you get the plates?

April:Oh my god.

April:We forgot the plates.

Ben:Wait, you're giving up? That seems like something I'd do, not you.

Andy:Oh! Leslie stole money!

Andy:You know what, Ben? Marriage is simple. You just gotta jump in, commit hard, and not think about it too much. That's what April and I did, and look at us now—we're thriving!

Ben:Andy, you got married in like three weeks.

Andy:Exactly! Three weeks of pure happiness. That's the blueprint, buddy.

Leslie:The only potential offense now is anachronistic hairstyles.

Person 1:So where would the... you know... be located?

Person 2:Yeah, is it on the horse part or the human part?

Person 3:This is a legitimate anatomical question!

Jerry:I don't know! I don't know! Why does everyone keep asking me this?

Tom:Don't worry about it. Tom and Jerry, we're solid. We've been through a lot together. And let me tell you something about Jerry – that man loves his poundcake. And I mean he really knows how to get into it, if you know what I mean.