Jerrys Painting

I just wanted to remind you of the art show that's happening tonight at the Community Center. It's gonna be a lot of fun. - Great. Great. - Yeah. Well, that sounds cool. That sounds like something that'll be a big success, you know? I mean, like everything that you, uh--that you put your--your--your paws on-- your fingers.

This isn't anything like your affair with Tom Haverford. - We weren't--you--you--

Ooh, sparks are flying! I may have to call the fire department. That's a government joke.

I'm like that lightbulb-- weak, flickering, barely giving off any light, unable to make out with the lightbulb I want to make out with.

You know what might make you feel better? - A hug? - Paxil. Do you want me to get you a prescription?

How hot is the woman that's looking for a place to stay? - No, it's me. I'm looking. - Oh, come on, that's not fair. You shouldn't have led me to believe it was a beautiful woman.

I've been staying at the Pawnee Supersuites Motel for seven months. It's a charming little inn with wonderfully random wake-up calls, delightfully unstable temperatures, and, as of yesterday, bedbugs. 'Four stars!' Says nobody.

I wish I could help you out, Benihana, but I can't.

I have a ritual, and it starts on the couch. - Ecch. - We sit down. - Okay. Yep. - Clap my hands. - Lights dim. - I understand. - Boyz II Men... - Please stop. - Fades in. - Nope. Nope.

You can't use the front door. You have to climb in through the back window. No personal phone conversations. If you ever speak to me in Spanish, please use the formal usted. And no electricity after 6:00 P.M.

She's joking. Okay. You can use as much free electricity as you want. - It's free.

if you ever watch a sad movie, you have to wear mascara so we can see whether or not you've been crying. There's no noise allowed on mondays and no TV after breakfast.

We leave the tv on all day long so burglars think that we're home when we're not, which is my idea that I'm trying to patent.

- You want my gum? - Mm-hmm.

Okay, everyone, shut up! And look at me! Welcome to Visions of Nature. This room has several paintings in it. Some are big. Some are small. People did them, and they are here now.

I also think it's pointless for a human to paint scenes of nature when they could just go outside and stand in it.

Anyway, please do not misinterpret the fact that I am talking right now as genuine interest in art and attempt to discuss it with me further. End of speech.

Are you guys frying marbles?

We were checking to see if the fire alarm worked. It doesn't.

The biggest challenge to picking the perfect roommate is finding someone who's willing to pay more than their share of rent without knowing it. I think we found that in Ben.

So for my painting, I chose one of my very favorite Greek myths-- the centaur goddess Dyaphena slaying a great stag. - It's, uh, stunning. - It's breathtaking, Jerry. - Yeah. Really is. - Wow. Thanks, guys.

Oh. Oh, my God. That's me. Is that me? What? No. Oh, jeez, it does look like you.

That's what you see when you close your eyes at night, Jerry-- topless Leslie glued to a horse.

Besides ride an escalator and drive a car.

Oh, my God. The baby is Tom. What? This is easily my favorite painting ever. What the hell, Jerry? Look at my potbelly. I look like a pregnant baby! And why am I so scared?

In one brushstroke, Jerry has killed the Jay-Z vibe that's taken me years to cultivate and replaced it with a fat, brown, baby vibe, which is not as cool of a vibe.

Uh, let's start with government-funded animal porn. Oh, I'm not sure that's fair. I want it destroyed, and I want a statement from this office apologizing for an obscene depiction of bestiality. Be--bestiality?

And how did it get like that? Who had sex with what and gave birth to which?

In college, I was in a nude production of Cats.

Every great work of art contains a message. And the message of this painting is, 'get out of my way unless you want an arrow in your ass, Marcia.'

Are you eating turkey chili off of a frisbee? It's pretty cute, right? No. Do you know what 'cute' means?

We already spent your money on a new Xbox 360 and more frisbees to eat off of.

Cool. We'll get to be adults. Gee, golly, thanks, mister.

Leslie, for our viewers at home who might not know, are centaurs real? - No. - You absolutely sure?

You guys--you wash your clothes in bubble bath? Eh, bubble bath, clothes soap, same thing. No, it's not. Well, they both make bubbles, so...

When'd you get in the business? - Last year. - Fantastic.

What Leslie and I want people to know is you should be able to have sex anywhere you want and show it anywhere you want, whether it's girl-on-girl action, bondage, or what have you.

For me, it's when the penis goes in.

Which I organize into a pile or stack that I put into the freezer. - Why? - So they won't get lost.

That's you in the painting. You're the fat baby! Aww... that's so cute. - Oh, you're into that? - No.

Imagine my horror. I'm hanging upside-down with my gravity boots watching Perd.

Public art commission, filled with hippies who love public art and sometimes weed. Jackpot.

If I had my laptop with me right now, I would show you a well-hidden folder with gigabytes of proof.

Please let the record reflect that the fat baby is referring to the painting. Hey! I am not a fat baby. I'm a small, slender man-- similar to actor Taye Diggs.

- The Romans... - Perverts. - The Greeks... - Gay perverts. To great societies in Europe. Europeans.

Yeah, well, there are nipples in it, so it just seems like we ought to be safe and destroy it.

Or we could buy a Wii. You can handle this. I don't know, man. Why don't you just do it? No, I can't. I--I...Have a date. Ooh, what's his name?

There's, like, a 30% chance they'll both die.

Make me, stag! I am Dyaphena!

Get it all. Grab everything that we've seen it on TV and put it in this cart right now.

My heart is racing. It's going literally 45 beats a minute.

But if you think for one second I'm not also gonna get that marshmallow shooter so that I can shoot you in the face with marshmallows when you're asleep, then you're the dumbest woman I know.

Oh, my God. Is that you as a naked horse? Does it look like me? I don't even-- Leslie, I mean, not to be inappropriate or anything, 'cause you're my boss and my friend, but I would totally hit that. - So would I.

Oh, plates.

I mean, to be honest, that seems like the kind of thing I would do. And I didn't think you would give in.

She stole money from you. What? No, no, Andy, she did not.

Look at me and April. If you're anything like us, three weeks from now, you'll be married, my friend.

But I think you'll find no one could possibly be offended, unless, of course, they have a problem with centaurs having modern haircuts.

Is your penis between the front arms or the back legs? - Yeah, where's your penis? - Damn it, Jerry!

And poundcake... am I right?