Camping

Leslie:Well, that's the third most uncomfortable breast grab I've experienced. Number one was definitely my Uncle Jerry at my cousin's wedding. Number two was that overeager TSA agent at Indianapolis International. So this is just... number three.

Leslie:You guys, we crushed the Harvest Festival. And now we need that same energy for this project. Remember, people only get one first impression, and we need to make sure we give them a second chance to see how amazing we really are.

Tom:Wait, so the entire camping trip is outside?

Leslie:Yes, Tom. That's what camping is.

Tom:I'm not doing that.

Tom:If you were camping and a bear was attacking your friend, and the only way to stop it was to grab something, what would you grab?

Leslie:Um, the bear's face? Or throw a rock at it?

Tom:No, I mean if you had to grab something on your friend to stop the bear.

Leslie:I don't... what are you talking about?

Tom:Like, their shoulder or their arm or... something.

Leslie:Tom, just say what you mean.

Tom:Your breast.

Tom:Why would you grab her breast for support?

Jerry:I don't know, I panicked!

Leslie:You grabbed my breast like it was a weapon.

Jerry:Well, in a way, it was very effective.

Leslie:My breasts are not weapons. They're just... they're just normal breasts.

Jerry:Well, one of them nearly killed me.

Leslie:That's not possible. I would remember if I had tried to kill you with my breast.

Paul:She did nearly kill me, though.

Leslie:What? When?

Chris:Pawnee is literally the greatest town in the country.

Chris:Indianapolis is the most wonderful city.

Chris:You're like a hydration pack that gets me to the finish line.

Chris:Ben's like a hydration pack. Ann's like a hydration pack. Even Jerry's like a hydration pack.

Jerry:Really?

Chris:No, not you Jerry. You're more like a canteen that leaks.

Chris:Everyone needs to stay hydrated. Here, take a hydration pack.

Ron:I don't want a hydration pack.

Chris:But Ron, your body is 60% water. You need to replenish your fluids throughout the day.

Ron:I know what my body is. And I don't need a pack to tell me when to drink.

Chris:Just try it for one day. I promise you'll feel the difference.

Ron:No.

Andy:Okay, Kyle, tell me that hilarious story again!

Kyle:Well, someone stole my identity last week.

Andy:Oh no! That's terrible!

Kyle:Yeah, they opened three credit cards in my name.

Andy:Wow, three! That's a lot of credit cards.

Kyle:They also took out a car loan.

Andy:A car loan! Can you believe that? A car loan!

April:I don't want to go camping. Sleeping outside is just inviting bugs to crawl into your mouth. And the stars are creepy. They're like dead eyes staring down at you, judging you for your life choices.

Andy:April, if we go camping and you hate it, we never go again. But if we go camping and you love it, we go all the time. Either way, I get what I want.

April:That's not how logic works.

Andy:Agree to disagree.

Ann:We need to ketchup and mustard.

Chris:I really relish that idea!

Ann:I got one! Uh... ketchup... with me later?

Tom:No, that doesn't work at all.

Ann:I know.

Ann:I know we broke up, but I still really liked him.

Leslie:Why? What was so great about him?

Ann:He was a dentist. He had really good dental skills.

Ann:Do you think Chris wants to get back together?

Leslie:Chris was so positive that Ann missed being dumped.

Ron:Fishing is like yoga, except you get to kill something at the end.

Jerry:I'll sleep on the floor outside.

April:You'll die.

Tom:Camping is just a way for poor people to enjoy nature. But I've solved that problem. I'm bringing the SkyMall catalog to the wilderness. Why suffer through nature when you can buy a heated neck pillow, a solar-powered margarita maker, and a USB-powered fan shaped like a tiny jet engine? I'm basically glamping, but make it consumer culture.

Tom:Check out this awesome bed I got for camping.

Tom:It's basically a luxury sleeping situation.

Character:Tom, that's a dog bed.

Tom:Yeah, a really nice dog bed. I got it on clearance.

Jerry:We could return the Harvest Festival profits to the citizens of Pawnee.

Ben:How much are we talking?

Jerry:Well, after we pay for the cleanup, the permits, the insurance, and the port-a-potties, each citizen would get about twelve cents.

Ben:Twelve cents? That's... that's actually not bad.

Jerry:Oh, and I forgot to add in my fee.

Ben:Your fee?

Jerry:Yeah, I charge the city a small administrative fee. So now it's about three cents per citizen.

Tom:What do Jay-Z, Lil Wayne, and Drake have in common?

Jerry:They're all... rappers?

Tom:Yes, Jerry, rappers.

Jerry:Wait, did I say something wrong?

April:I'm proposing we build a dog park, but dogs aren't allowed in it.

Leslie:April, that doesn't make any sense.

April:There's also a strict no-barking policy, and all dogs must be potty trained before entering. Also, owners have to sign a waiver saying their dog won't bite, shed, or make eye contact with other dogs.

Leslie:So it's just a regular park.

April:No, it's a dog park. For dogs that don't exist.

April:I'm at the wrong campground. Of course I am. This is beautiful. There are trees everywhere and the sky is doing that thing where it has colors. It's disgusting.

April:Oh, Ben, Ben, Ben. You're such a little tax nerd.

Tom:I'm going back to the Thunderdome this weekend.

Tom:That's what I call my camping tent.

Leslie Knope:I have no idea what I'm doing.

Leslie:I had the most beautiful dream last night. I was in a cozy kitchen, making breakfast for my family. Everything was perfect - the sunlight streaming through the windows, the smell of fresh coffee. And then my alien puppet showed up and we all just... sat together. Completely happy.

Jerry:I didn't lose my virginity until I was 28 years old.

Jerry:And it was to a woman I met at a work conference in Indianapolis.

Jerry:She felt sorry for me, which I didn't realize until after.

Jerry:My wife and I haven't been intimate in three years. I've been using a special lotion that I order from a catalog—

Ben:Hey! Hey! You know what? Why don't we talk about... fiscal policy? Or literally anything else?

Jerry:I think my experience qualifies me to teach teenagers about abstinence.

Tom:Jerry, being a virgin until 24 doesn't make you an abstinence expert. It makes you a cautionary tale.

Leslie:Actually, I think Jerry could bring a really authentic perspective to teen outreach.

Ron:The man waited 24 years. That's either commitment or a cry for help.

Tom:This is the life. Fresh air, natural hot springs, a professional masseuse working out the kinks.

Tom:You know what? Forget the cabin. I'm setting up a luxury spa retreat right here in nature.

Tom:You want to know how I afford all this expensive camping gear? Simple. I go to REI, I buy the best equipment money can buy, I use it for exactly one weekend, then I return it with fake tears and a story about how my dad died and I just can't enjoy the outdoors anymore.

Tom:I'm going to return this blender. I'll tell them I hurt myself with it.

Tom:I was making a smoothie, and my hand got caught in the blades. Look at these scars.

Tom:Actually, these are just pen marks, but with the tears, they won't notice.

Andy:Wow, look at that beautiful sky. Those colors are incredible.

April:That's pollution. Those are toxic chemicals in the atmosphere.

Andy:Well, it's still pretty.

April:It's literally killing us.

Andy:Yeah, okay, it's horrible.

Ben:Leslie, your work ethic is incredible. You're like that battery-powered toy rabbit.

Leslie:Thank you?

Ben:No, I mean it. You just keep going and going and going...

Leslie:Oh my god, did you just compare me to the Energizer Bunny?

Ben:It's a compliment! You never stop working!

Chris:Hey everyone! I was in the area and thought I'd stop by!

Ben:Chris, we're in the middle of nowhere. How did you even find us?

Chris:Oh, you know, I was just driving around and saw your cars. No big deal.

Leslie:Chris, this is a remote campsite three hours from the nearest town.

Chris:Yeah, and? I do this all the time. Just randomly show up places. It's what I do.

Chris:I need to hear your idea right now.

Chris:But first, I have to do 200 burpees, because I can't receive ideas on a full tank of blood in my legs.

Tom:You know what? I'm not even worried about leaving. I've got seventeen episodes of Real Housewives backed up on my DVR. That's all the camping I need.

Leslie Knope:We're pulling an all-nighter. I'm going to go around to every house in this town and I'm going to bang on their doors and I'm going to yell 'WAKE UP!' at the top of my lungs until everyone is conscious and alert.

Ben Wyatt:Leslie, that's insane.

Leslie Knope:No, it's not insane, Ben. It's called being a public servant. I'm serving the public by keeping them awake. It's in the job description. Look it up.

Ron:There's no food because Jerry won't stop talking about his colonoscopy results, and it's literally scaring away all the wildlife.

Tom:I'm sleeping on a Sleep Number bed. It's the only bed that knows me.

April:I'm leaving. This camping trip is terrible.

Andy:April, wait! I've been looking for you all episode!

April:That's exactly why I'm leaving.

Chris:Ann, we need to talk privately. Let's walk over there.

Ann:Okay.

Chris:This is quite a walk. I'm really feeling the burn. My calves are on fire. Do you think we could sit down? I'm getting light-headed.

Ann:Yes, I would love to have dinner with you.

Ben:No, you don't.

Tom:You know what fondue is? It's just hot cheese. It's basically a vehicle for getting cheese into your mouth faster.

Jerry:That's genius.

Tom:I know.

Jerry:Can I have some?

Tom:Yeah, of course.

Tom:No, no, no, this is a disaster. Do you know what's on right now? The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is in the middle of a three-part reunion special, and I am going to miss it because of your electrical irresponsibility.

April:Wait, is that a real thing?

Tom:This place is a nightmare. There's no Wi-Fi, no room service, and I'm pretty sure that quilt was made before electricity was invented.

Tom:You know what? The Sweetums corporate retreat in Cabo has a infinity pool that overlooks the ocean, a Michelin-starred chef, and every streaming service known to man. THAT is how you do hospitality.

April:I hate the outdoors. I hate nature. I hate fresh air and sunshine and birds chirping.

April:But you know what I hate even more? A corporate team-building retreat in the woods with trust falls and icebreakers.

Andy:I'm on a road to redemption, on a road to find April, and I fought some woodland creatures along the way.

Andy:I set up this romantic campsite with champagne, candles, the whole thing. But then I realized we might get stranded out here, so I had to drink all the champagne for survival purposes.

Chris:Ann, I've been thinking about us. About what we had. And I think it's time we gave it another shot.

Ann:What? No, Chris, I—

Chris:Just hear me out. We were good together. We could be good again.

Ann:Chris, I'm married to Ben.

Chris:I know, but—

Ann:We have a son.

Chris:Right, but I really think—

Ann:Two sons.

Chris:Okay, but if you really think about it—

Ann:Chris, what are you talking about?

Chris:Getting back together. Like we used to be.

Ann:OH MY GOD. You mean work together. At Parks and Rec.

Chris:Yeah?

Ann:I thought you were asking me to leave my husband.

Ann:Oh my God. I'm doing the same thing again. I'm dating someone I work with. I'm in the exact same situation as I was with Chris.

Ann:I have to leave. I have to leave right now. I'm going to Canada. No, further. I'm going to move to Iceland. Actually, you know what? I'm going to Antarctica. I'm going to live with the penguins.

Leslie:My room is covered in cat hair and it smells like... I don't even know what. It's like a litter box mixed with—

Leslie:Wait. Oh my God.

Leslie:There are actual cats in here.

Leslie:I peaked with Harvest Festival. I'm like that one-hit wonder from the 90s that nobody remembers. You know, the guy who had that one song that was everywhere for like three weeks and then just... disappeared.

Leslie:In fifty years, there will be a statue of me in Ramsett Park. People will walk by and say, 'Who is this?' And someone will say, 'I think her name was Leslie... Knoblin? Knublin?'

Imaginary Passerby:Yeah, she did some stuff.

B&B Owner:The noise from your room last night was absolutely unacceptable. My guests complained.

Ron:Ma'am, I suggest you take your concerns and your eggs benedict, and get out of my face.

Ron:You can't leave. I've decided we're having a productive day.

Leslie:The cat population has apparently grown

Leslie:I just gave an inspiring speech about my new ideas for the Parks Department, and now I'm immediately concerned about mundane personal hygiene.

Jerry:You know, if there's a little voice in the back of your head saying you're happy, you should be very suspicious of it, because that little voice is probably just a brain tumor.

Tom Haverford:There are no TVs anywhere. This place is lamer than outside.

Andy Dwyer:Jim. / ♪ You come sleepin' in the tent / sleepin' in the tent ♪ / I found you! / ♪ I found you ♪ / ♪ and I had to fight a squirrel ♪

Andy Dwyer:I had to drink most of it to survive.

Chris Traeger · Ann Perkins:No, no, no. I wasn't saying that... I thought we should get back together again. / But you said that... / You indicated... / Oh, my God, this is happening again. / I have to move, right? / Yeah. / I'm gonna leave the country. / Bye, everybody. Bye.

Leslie Knope:No. My room is filled with cat hair and cat smell. And actual cats, roughly 12 cats.

Leslie Knope:I am listening to Steal my Sunshine by Len. A one-hit wonder, like me.

Leslie Knope:Years from now, people are gonna say, 'Remember that woman who came up with the Harvest Festival idea and never came up with another idea again? What happened to her? What was her name? Kim? Anyway, who cares? She's stupid, and she's dead now.'

Ron Swanson · Leslie Knope:You're not going anywhere. / Ron, what are you doing? / This is my idea. You're gonna shut your brain down and go to sleep, and I'm gonna stay out here and guard the door so you can't leave. / No! Ron! / You've been thinking about work non-stop for years! It's time to rest! / All my binders are downstairs! / Shh!

Ron Swanson:All due respect, Ms. Clack, stick a german muffin in it.

Elsa Clack:Fair enough. I'm just gonna go to bed. Just call it a night.

Ron Swanson · Leslie Knope:I already checked, Leslie. The transom is painted shut. / Damn it!

Leslie Knope:Oh, my God, there's, like, 50 cats in here.

Leslie Knope:So I just slept seven hours, which is twice as long as I usually sleep, so I'm a little disoriented.

Leslie Knope:But I did wake up with a million ideas, and Ron would not let me have any paper, so I had to write them down on this doily.

Leslie Knope · Ron Swanson:Leslie wakes up with a million ideas written on a doily because Ron wouldn't give her paper.

Ron Swanson · Leslie Knope:They say you're only as good as your last idea. I say you're only as good as the people you work with. Leslie Knope is back. Ha ha! / Oh, my God, my breath is so bad.

Leslie Knope:Leslie's post-triumph: 'Oh, my God, my breath is so bad.'

Unknown (likely Jerry or Tom):Yeah, she died, like, 20 minutes after that.