Harvest Festival

Leslie:Everyone, I have a surprise for you!

Leslie:I've been planning this for weeks. It's going to change your lives. It's unprecedented. It's extraordinary. It's the most amazing thing that's ever happened to this department.

Leslie:I present to you... a mini horse!

Leslie:Little Sebastian wasn't just a pony. He was a symbol of Pawnee's spirit, our hope, our dreams. And fun fact: Sebastian was also the number one girl's name in Pawnee that year.

Ben:I don't understand. It's a tiny horse. Why is everyone so obsessed with a tiny horse?

Leslie:Ben, you don't understand. Little Sebastian isn't just a horse. He's a symbol of hope and joy for this entire community.

Ben:It's literally just a small pony that eats and poops. I've seen him do both of those things.

Tom:Whoa, whoa, whoa. He's not a pony. He's a miniature horse. There's a big difference.

Ron:He's a miniature horse of unparalleled grace and beauty. He has the heart of a champion and the brain of a... slightly above-average horse.

Jerry:Hey there, little guy. You know, I have a lot of back problems too. Maybe we can bond over that.

Jerry:I also have a really weak bladder. Do you have that? I bet you do.

Jerry:We're basically the same, you and me.

Leslie:We are no longer friends. I don't want to see you. Get out of my office.

Ron:You want to put a salad cart next to a corn dog stand? That's like putting a diabetic across from a donut shop. It's inhumane. Vegetables are what food eats.

Leslie:Wait, I ended on that? That's so boring. Let me just— Clowns!

Leslie:I don't know why I said that, but it felt better.

Ben:Tom, you're a really smart, talented guy. You're going to do great things.

Tom:Ben, you're a really smart, talented guy. You're going to do great things... for someone else's company.

Ken Hotate:How.

Ken:The Battle of Hastings was one of the bloodiest battles in medieval history. Thousands of soldiers were slaughtered on that field.

Ben:Wow, that's terrible. Did anyone win?

Ken:Yes, the Normans won. That's why we're speaking English and not French.

Leslie:As you can see from this map, we have color-coded all the major historical atrocities by region and severity. The blue represents minor incidents, yellow for moderate, and red for the really bad stuff. It's actually quite efficient when you organize it this way.

Ken:I'm terrified of curse words. Like, genuinely afraid of them. So when someone puts on Matchbox 20, I get anxious because I'm always waiting for them to say something bad. But they never do. It's just 'push' and 'smooth' and... nothing. Which somehow makes it worse.

Leslie:This calls for a celebration! We got the cotton candy machines!

Ben:Yes! This is amazing.

Leslie:We should do an elaborate pretend combat to celebrate.

Ben:What? Why would we do that?

Leslie:Because we're cursed! We have to fight the curse with our wits and our cotton candy machines!

Ben:Leslie, we're not cursed.

Leslie:Not anymore we're not! En garde!

Leslie:Joan Callamezzo is the host of Pawnee Today, the local news show. She's been hosting it for like thirty years.

Andy:Wait, Joan Callamezzo? That's an amazing band name!

Ann:He said he needed space to figure things out, so he broke up with me but then kept texting me about his feelings and asking me to listen to his problems.

April:Yeah, I do that all the time.

Ann:I'm handling the breakup really well. I've been going to the gym, eating healthy, and I even started a new hobby.

Ann:Day three: I'm eating ice cream straight from the container while watching our favorite show.

Ann:Day five: I've rewatched all his Instagram posts. Twice.

Ann:Day seven: I'm in his apartment building parking lot. I don't know why I'm here.

Ann:Day ten: I've memorized his work schedule. I sit across the street. We make eye contact. I wave. He drives away faster.

Ron:The key to a successful relationship is independence. You need to maintain your own interests, your own space, your own identity.

Ann:That's actually really good advice, Ron.

Ann:My mailman said the same thing last week.

Jerry:Red leather, yellow leather.

Jerry:Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers.

Jerry:Shaquille O'Neal and Shakira sharp-shoot shrimp.

Leslie:Look at this beautiful ferris wheel!

Joan:That's a wheel of death. One mechanical failure and you're plummeting to your doom.

Unknown:'Muah-muah-murder. Murdering the most melons. Shaquille showered shame on Shakira's sheets.'

Joan:I don't see what all the fuss is about. This festival is a waste of time and—

Joan:Oh my God. Is that... Little Sebastian?

Joan:He's beautiful. I was wrong about everything. This is the best day of my life.

Tom:Thank you. I've been working out.

Tom:Joan, you look amazing. Have you lost weight or gained confidence?

Joan:Both.

Tom:Joan, I promise you, this festival is going to blow your mind. We've got live music, food vendors, a petting zoo...

Tom:And if you're not satisfied, I will personally take you out for dinner. And drinks. And we can go back to my place and I can show you my vinyl collection. And we can slow dance. And I will massage your feet. And we can do whatever you want... to completion.

Andy:I'm gonna win you so many teddy bears. I'm talking like, hundreds of teddy bears.

April:Andy, you can't win hundreds of teddy bears at a carnival.

Andy:Okay, okay, fine. Fifty teddy bears.

April:That's still impossible.

Andy:Twenty-five teddy bears. Final offer. I'm not going any lower.

Andy:April, I love you.

April:That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Andy:Awesome sauce!

Ben · Leslie:Ben and Leslie's Teddy bear negotiation: 'I'm gonna win you a million Teddy bears.' / 'Well, I want a billion Teddy bears.' / 'Well, that's a little unrealistic. This is a hard game. Two million.'

Joan:So Ben, tell me about your failures.

Ben:Well, I was the mayor of Ice Town when I was 18 years old.

Ben:I thought we could create a new winter sports mecca by building an ice rink in a landlocked suburb.

Ben:It cost the town $7 million and shut down after only two months.

Ben:I was also known as Ice Town as a result.

Ben:I was a state auditor, I was deputy city manager, I was city manager, I was on the city council, but nobody ever wants to talk about the time I played shortstop for the Sweetwater Wildcats.

Tom:Jerry, Little Sebastian is missing and it's clearly your fault.

Jerry:Tom, I had nothing to do with it!

Tom:Oh really? Then why are you getting so defensive about it? That's exactly what someone who kidnapped a miniature horse would say.

Joan:Wait, there's a scandal? Oh no. Okay, we need to get ahead of this. Start gathering negative footage immediately.

Joan:I want everything. Bad potholes, broken streetlights, spooky traffic lights, anything that makes the city look incompetent.

Ben:We have a lightning rod problem, a lightning rod staffing issue, and a lightning rod budget shortfall.

Leslie:Ben, those are just regular problems. A lightning rod is a metal rod that prevents lightning strikes.

Ben:I know what a lightning rod is.

Leslie:Also, that's a pony, not a mini horse.

Ben:Do people really believe in curses?

Leslie:Oh, I don't know, Ben. Let me check with the hundreds of people who've called me about the curse on the old Ramsett house. Or the guy who won't go near the bridge because his grandfather told him it was cursed. Or literally every single person in this town who has a weird superstition. So yes, Ben, people believe in curses.

April:He probably just needed space. Sometimes when you're in a relationship, you feel suffocated and you just need to get away from everything and everyone.

Leslie:April, are you talking about Little Sebastian or about Derek?

April:I'm talking about the horse.

Andy:Horses love mazes. They're like, super smart. I read that somewhere.

Tom:That's... not true.

Andy:No, no, I'm pretty sure horses love mazes. They'll definitely find Little Sebastian.

Leslie:Ann, you are such a powerful, strong woman. And your skin is absolutely glowing right now.

Joan:Oh my God, is that me? Did they just show my butt?

Joan:That's not what happened at all!

Joan:But... that was pretty cool.

Andy:Wait, so corn and maize are the same thing?

April:Yes.

Andy:Then why do they have different names? I thought maize was, like, a ancient Aztec word for corn.

April:It is.

Andy:So if maize is the Aztec word, then corn must be the... I dunno, the British word for it? Like how they call elevators 'lifts'?

April:No. Corn is just... corn.

Andy:Well, I'm pretty sure 'corn' comes from a kernel. Like, a corn kernel? So they named the whole thing after the kernel?

Andy:Hey, what's wrong? Talk to me.

April:I'm leaving. I'm going to Venezuela and I'm never coming back.

Andy:Venezuela? April, come on—

April:I've made up my mind. It's final.

Bodybuilder:Hey beautiful, you must be a magnet because I'm attracted to you.

Ann:That's actually concerning. Magnetic fields can interfere with medical devices like pacemakers.

Bodybuilder:No, I just meant... never mind. My shoulders are killing me anyway.

Ann:He's not boyfriend material.

Donna:Girl, you don't need a boyfriend. You need a man who can do things. This guy can move furniture, he can intimidate people at the bank, he can open jars. Use him.

Jerry:Did you guys find Little Sebastian?

Tom:No, Jerry, we didn't find a tiny horse. What do you think we've been doing all day?

Leslie:Okay, I need to address some rumors that are going around. No, I did not have an affair with the city manager. No, I am not running an illegal gambling ring out of my office. And absolutely not, I am not feasting on petting zoo animals.

Leslie:I don't know where that last one came from, but it needs to stop.

Reporter:So you're saying this could be a disaster?

Ron Swanson:On a scale of one to ten, I'd say it's somewhere between a disaster and a catastrophe.

Perd Hapley:Yes, I have a question, and here it is: do you have any comment on the comment that was made about the comment?

Leslie:Son of a biscuit!

Crowd:It's Jerry's fault!

Crowd:Yeah, Jerry did this!

Crowd:Blame Jerry!

Ron:He's been missing for three weeks. He's dead.

Tom:Ron! Ron, don't say that. We don't know that for sure.

Ron:Tom, a small horse doesn't just disappear. He's dead.

Tom:You don't know that! He could be in Canada!

Ron:He's dead.

Ron:Everyone stop. I have a solution. Leslie, you're in charge of the parks department. Tom, you're fired. April, you're doing Leslie's old job. Jerry, you're still Jerry. Andy, I don't know what you do, so I'm firing you too. Meeting adjourned.

Andy:April, I know I messed up with the whole 'awesome sauce' thing.

April:Yeah, you did.

Andy:But I was thinking... maybe we could make it awesome sauce again? Together?

April:That's the dumbest thing I've ever heard.

Andy:Is that a yes?

April:That's a yes.

Jerry:I didn't do it!

Andy:Jerry, everyone heard it.

Jerry:It was my chair! My chair makes that noise when I sit down. It's an old chair.

Leslie:Wow, Ed, you really know your stuff about generators. That's impressive.

Ed:Thanks, Leslie. Hey, since we're both here and everything's kind of crazy right now... would you maybe want to grab dinner sometime?

Leslie:Ed, there's a town-wide power outage happening.

Ed:I know, but I figured now's as good a time as any to shoot my shot.

Leslie:You know, I'm not above begging. In fact, historically, some of the greatest leaders have had to beg. Joan of Arc begged the French army to fight. Gandhi begged the British to leave India.

Ken:And they were both killed.

Leslie:Yes, well, different times.

Bodybuilder:You need to leave so I can make out with Ann.

Donna:*salutes mockingly*

Leslie:Ken, can you help me with the generator?

Ken:Sure, I'd be happy to help. Just like the government was happy to help the Native Americans.

Leslie:So we found Little Sebastian in the corn maze. He got out in like ten minutes.

Leslie:Jerry's still in there. We left a trail of breadcrumbs, but he ate those.

Ron:We should probably find Jerry.

Ron:But first, I'm going to get a waffle.

Leslie:Ben, Ice Town was a disaster. It cost the city millions of dollars and it was a complete failure.

Ben:I know.

Leslie:You were literally memed into oblivion. There are still 'Ice Town Costs Ice Clown' signs up around the city.

Ben:Leslie, I really don't need—

Leslie:I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just being honest. It was bad. Really bad.

Ben:Wait, did you guys hear that? Was that... was that a whinny?

Andy:What? No, Ben, Little Sebastian's not even here.

Ben:Right, right. I know. I just... I thought I heard something majestic.

Andy:Andy to April: 'That's what makes the sauce so awesome.'

Tom · Jerry:'Aw, Jerry just farted!' / 'I'm very upset, I get nervous.'

Ed · Leslie:Ed the generator man: 'Wow, you know your stuff. You single?' — flirting with Leslie about generators.

Ken Hotate · Leslie:Ken Hotate: 'Much like the early settlers of Pawnee begged the Wamapoke 200 years ago.' / 'Ah, but that was...' / 'A trick. And over 50 Wamapoke were slaughtered.'

Sick Man · Donna (or Carnival Nurse):The carnival nurse scene — sick man says 'I don't know what's sicker, me or your body.' Nurse rejects him: 'Your loss.'

Donna:Donna says 'Beat it, Donna' to herself and leaves the sick man's tent after he asks her to make out until the lights come back on — then 'Aye, aye, captain.'

Ken Hotate:Ken Hotate: 'A native American tribe making a deal with the government. Heh! What could go wrong?'

News Anchor · Leslie:After the ceremony, the news anchor announces Li'l Sebastian is back and 'he gave us a scare' — then cuts to the horse having been found in the corn maze center. 'It took us four hours to solve that maze. It took the horse 15 minutes.'

News Anchor / Andy Dwyer:News report: 'We spotted him from the top of the ferris wheel at the center of the corn maze. After the power came back on, we went and got him. It took us four hours to solve that maze. It took the horse 15 minutes.'

Ron:Ron: 'I suppose I oughta go look for him. Right after I get a bratwurst.' — about Jerry still lost in the corn maze.

Leslie (or Ron):'Jerry's still out there.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie tells Ben: 'Ice Town was a disaster. And it seems like it was probably your fault. From what I can tell, you mismanaged the hell out of it.'

Wamapoke Representative · Ben:A Wamapoke representative finds Ben after the ceremony and wipes his dirty face, saying 'Oh gosh, you're filthy. Go clean yourself up. Try to look professional.'

Ben · Leslie:Ben at the end: 'I don't get it. At all. It's kind of a small horse. I mean, what am I missing? Am I crazy?' / 'Hey, Ben, you just missed it. He whinnied.' / 'Oh, yeah, no. I totally heard that. It was great.'