Girlfriends

Jemaine:I don't like croissants.

Bret:You've gotta come in there with me. I can't go in there by myself and buy a croissant, can I? She'll think I'm weird.

Bret:Stop comparing everything to 'Top Gun.' It's not... this situation's nothing like 'Top Gun.'

Bret:We've been out here talking about it for two hours now.

Jemaine:Yes, that's true, he would.

Jemaine:He's very popular.

Bret:Be more subtle about it.

Jemaine:Mmm, that's true.

Jemaine:Je voudrais un croissant.

Bret:Non.

Jemaine:Oh.

They're having a nice conversation.

Yep.

Do you like having nice conversations?

Jemaine:No.

Jemaine:Nope.

Jemaine:There's been a big mix-up, Bret. A disastrous mix-up.

You are talking to Lisa.

Am I?

Yeah.

Right, well that's obviously what's happened. We should swap.

Jemaine:Oh, look, Bret's feeling Felicia's breast.

Felicia:Uh, I'm Felicia. That's...

Jemaine:Yes. ...Lisa. Feeling Lisa's breast then, probably.

Bret:I'm actually feeling a little bit tired though. I think maybe we should go.

Jemaine:No.

Murray:You'll lose your female fan base. What about Wham? You never saw Wham with girlfriends.

Murray:I've told you about how far I've been with... you know, Shelly, last Christmas Eve.

Jemaine:Um, I saw Bret feeling that lady's breast.

Murray:My car broke down in the ghetto. That's not the good news,

Murray:He said he could sell me a high-end stereo system for $50.

Murray:I'll say he is. He's crazy. Off the planet. Isn't he going to freeze himself?

Jemaine:What are you talking about? It's girls and spaghetti. We love girls and spaghetti.

Bret:I don't want to go too fast, you know. I don't want her to think that I'm easy.

Bret:Do you think I dress too provocatively?

Jemaine:I think you're showing a little too much arm.

Bret:Am I?

Jemaine:Mmm. Yeah, you look a little cheap.

Murray:Women don't objectify men in that way, Bret.

Murray:The sink works. It just comes out of a different place.

A.J.:You need any hot pants? I got a shitload of hot pants.

Bret:Who likes to rock the party?

Jemaine:He likes to rock the party.

Felicia:A little muscley.

Bret, how long do you wait until you let a girl come upstairs?

Bret:Three years.

Lisa:Oh well, I mean I'm... I'm not gonna be able to get a cab back to Brooklyn this time of night, so...

Lisa:that's a really dangerous stop. I mean, I... I've heard there's maniacs down there.

Bret:A Kiss is Not a Contract

Bret:# Doesn't mean it's all about poontang #

Bret:They call it a fly because it takes you up to heaven

They call it a fly because it takes you up to heaven

Bret:Well, it turns out she's very aggressive.

Jemaine:Did she hit you?

Bret:No, she wanted to go all the way.

Bret:I thought you already did go all the way.

Jemaine:No, now she wants to have sex.

Bret:She jumped on top of me and then touched me on the penis.

Bret:It's like that scene from 'Top Gun.' You know your favorite scene in 'Top Gun'?

Jemaine:I don't know that movie.

Jemaine:She gave me this free day-old croissant.

Dave:Hot bod, gross face. I get it. Just hit that shit from behind.

Dave:How do you think I eat so well every lunchtime?

Dave:Hey, Mrs. Chang.

Dave:Thanks for the egg rolls, huh.

Lisa:Don't you know that if a girl gets aroused and doesn't climax, that she can really damage herself? Bret, I might not be able to have a baby.

Lisa:Because tomorrow, Bret, I ship out to Iraq.

Bret:Iraq?

Lisa:Yeah, I'm in Delta Force, Bret.

Felicia:I only went out with you in the first place because Lisa kind of like insisted that I be her wingman.

Jemaine:You're her wingman?

Bret:It was over in five minutes. I mean, she fell asleep.

Bret:Yeah, Iraq.

Jemaine:Iraq?

Bret:Yes, she's in Delta Force. She's been deployed to Fallujah. But she works in the croissant shop.

Bret:She's a pastry chef and a sniper.

Jemaine:She keeps pressuring me into sex. 'Give me some more sex.' Oh, give me a rest... for five minutes.

Jemaine:Cheer up, Bret. Mmm, it's the talking stove. Things'll work out.

Murray:How many have you sold?

Bret:One.

Bret:But I would have liked to have gotten a few more out than that.

Bret:This one's got sawdust in it.

Murray:Oh my God. Did you buy some sawdust as well?

Bret:Did you want to buy sawdust, though?

Murray:No! I bought the CDs, didn't I?

Lisa:Oh yeah, that was just physical. Just physical. It was just... I mean, we were just... we were just using each other, weren't we?

Murray:You're attracted to bastards.

Jemaine:Bastard girls.

Murray:It's true.

Apparently, they're rewritable. So he just deletes the music files and then sells them as blank CDs. Apparently, it's worth more that way so...

Jemaine:I was thinking she was too good for you.

Bret:She was actually too good for me.

Jemaine:Yes, a bit too pretty for you.

Bret:I'm Bret.

Jemaine · Bret:'Are you and Lisa gonna get married now?' / 'I wish, but I don't know. She's got to go to war.' / 'What?' / 'Yeah, Iraq.'

Jemaine · Bret:'But she works in the croissant shop.' / 'Yeah, well, she's got two jobs. She's a pastry chef and a sniper.'

Jemaine:'Well, if it makes you feel better, me and Felicia are probably gonna have to break up too. She keeps pressuring me into sex. Give me some more sex. Oh, give me a rest...'

Jemaine:Well, if it makes you feel better, me and Felicia are probably gonna have to break up too. She keeps pressuring me into sex. 'Give me some more sex.' Oh, give me a rest...

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:The talking stove: 'Cheer up, Bret. / Mmm, it's the talking stove. / Things'll work out. / Yeah? / You love the talking stove. / Oh, let's make a cake.'

Bret · Murray · Jemaine:Can I have one? / You can have a whole box. There you go. / Really? / Yes, take it home. I can't store them here.

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:The boxes of CDs turn out to be sawdust

Bret:'What, you had sex with him?' (Bret, when Murray describes doing business 'underneath an overpass')

Bret:'Did you want to buy sawdust, though?'

Murray · Bret · Jemaine:'I should find Quincy Jones and let him know what his brother's up to. He needs to know this.' / 'Oh, I haven't got his number.' / 'You could email him.' / 'I'd love to email him.'

Lisa · Bret:Lisa bumped into on the street — turns out she didn't ship out after all; 'Oh no. I'm shipping out tomorrow.' (again)

Bret · Lisa:'But you said you love me.' / 'Oh. You had sex on me.' / 'No, oh yeah, that was just physical. We were just using each other, weren't we?' / 'Just using each other.' / 'Oh, we were just using each other.' / 'Yeah.'

Jemaine:Jemaine mocks Bret for having said 'I love you': 'I know! You see him? I love you.' (mocking voice)

Jemaine · Bret:'Your real problem, Bret, is the kind of girls you go for. You're attracted to bastards. Bastard girls.' / 'It's true.'

Murray:Murray arrives, assumes they don't have girlfriends: 'I knew you didn't have girlfriends.'

Murray:Murray sold all the CDs to Dave, who uses them as blank rewritable media: 'Apparently they're rewritable. So he just deletes the music files and then sells them as blank CDs. Apparently it's worth more that way.'

Bret · Jemaine · Murray:'It's not ideal.' / 'It's not ideal, but yeah, they're still getting out there, aren't they?' / 'Yeah, well, they're blank though.' / 'Yeah, but they'll be out there, and... you know.' / 'As blanks.' / 'Yeah.' / 'It's good.' / 'It's good, I know.'

Murray:'Just gotta find someone that'll buy this sawdust now, and I'll be complete.'

Jemaine · Bret:'That girl wasn't right for you.' / 'Yeah, I guess she wasn't really good enough for me.' / 'I was thinking she was too good for you.' / 'She was actually too good for me.' / 'Yes, a bit too pretty for you.' / 'Hmm.'

Bret · New Woman:A woman approaches Bret: 'Hi. Are you Bret? I'm a friend of Lisa's. I heard you like to have a good time.' / Bret: 'I'm Bret.'