Dave

Dave:I don't want to be a dick but could you guys, like, move away? I'm trying to look lonely.

Dave:Chicks are attracted to lonely guys. It's a psychological analogy.

Dave:Have you tried the gulab jamuns? They're off the hook.

Dave · Bret:Can you move away, please? - Sure. How long for? - 30 minutes.

Dave · Jemaine · Bret:What an idiot, trying to sell me a cake. - It was a beautiful cake. - Yeah, it was.

Dave · Jemaine:Hey, Jemaine, I don't know how they do things back in England... - New Zealand. - Yeah, whatever. I don't really give a shit.

Bret · Murray · Dave:There was two of them. - Two? That's not a gang. - It was a two-man gang. - Two-man gang. - Can you have that, David? - Well that's a pretty small gang. I mean, technically, the smallest gang possible.

John · Dave · Bret:Hey guys, remember that time he got his hand caught in that jar? - What a dick. I mean, who gets their hand caught in a jar? - That was... that was actually me. - That was Bret.

Dave · Bret:Jemaine was the one who helped you out. And he helped you when you got your head stuck in the chair. - Remember? - Yeah. You were there for hours.

Jemaine · Dave · Bret:Yeah, but Dave, you're Indian. You hate us? Yeah. Sometimes. But you're our best friend. I know.

Dave:Inject strychnine into a piece of his fruit. Then when a customer dies, the C.I.A. Will trace it back to the vendor and he's going straight to the big house... Alcatraz.

Dave · Jemaine:sometimes what I do is I think mean thoughts about the person. How do they know? They don't know.

Dave · Bret:Say a comeback to him! Banana balls! You look like a... a something... like a banana balls.

Jemaine · Dave · Bret:What is the bird? What's that? That's the bird. Well, that bird doesn't have any wings. It's only got one leg.

Bret · Dave:try putting some wings on your bird. There we go. That's much nicer. But you don't wanna be nice.

Dave:It's not a fucking school play production. It's the bird.

Dave:Hot bod, gross face. I get it. Just hit that shit from behind.

Dave:How do you think I eat so well every lunchtime? Hey, Mrs. Chang. Thanks for the egg rolls, huh.

Dave:I got a shirt that's got a mouse having sex with another mouse in a mousetrap. I score chicks in this shirt all the time.

Dave:I guarantee you, I was just pumping away in this thing the other night.

Dave:Jesus! Sorry guys. My roommate's... being kind of a jerk.

Bret · Dave:Is that a woman's blouse? - No. - Looks like a blouse. - No no no. This is what you're looking for, man. That's totally Prince.

Dave · Bret:Dude, you think I live with my parents? - Oh, is that your dad, though? - No. That's just some old, crotchety Indian couple that I sublet to.

Bret · Dave:The weird thing is they look like me. They've got photos of themselves with you as a kid. - I know. It's creepy. I think they make them on the computer.

Dave:Like, the other day there was five... or maybe there was like four, really hot foreign chicks, either like Swedish or Korean in my shop. And they were like, 'Dave, we want to have a five-way with you,' and I just told them, honestly, 'Okay.'

Dave:They like wrestling in cooking oil on a plane... I took them up on a plane, they were making a salad, Next thing you know, they're just wrestling at 85,000 feet.

Dave:They're probably just doing brazilians. They'll show up. Don't worry.

Dave:Some of the best songs are jingles. ♪ pussymart, pussymart. ♪

Dave:The d in my name stands for 'deal.' ... the word 'Dave' Actually means 'deal' in latino?

Dave · Bret:How much would you give me for this? - A dollar. - Double it... - Sold! I just made him pay Nearly 10 times what he wanted to pay

Bret · Dave:I thought it was an exercise. - Yeah, you've got to learn the whole lesson.

Dave:Do I have gang experience? I was in the snake eyes, the duckies, the cuckoos, the vampires, the pharaohs, the ballroom dancers, the hobo lords, the little enchanters...

Dave · Bret:I was a navy seal for 15 years. - Okay. - I'm officially awol, so don't ask them about my existence, 'cause they'll deny it.

Dave:watering can tied to a hose. Pop! Cops show up, 'what's that, officer? No, just watering the geraniums.'

Dave · Bret:I'm available most days after 6:00 but not weekends... and I can't say why. Dinner with your parents? Huh! No.

Bret · Dave:Mos def, the guy from 'law & order: SUV'? No, that's ice cube, but keep an eye out for him.

Dave:he was the voice of lightning the racehorse.

Bret · Dave:Sorry. You could get 10 years for that.

Dave:Where's the dapper dukes' hideout? It was right here. You know, we laid low for three straight months back in '58.

Dave:Maybe you're right, lil Louie. I'm getting old. This game ain't no good for me no more. I'm sorry, Louie. I'm out. So long, lil Louie.

Dave:Dave's confusion about 'two chicks into the same dude' vs 'two guys into the same girl'

Dave:'Well, let's just say derek's no longer with us.' Pause. 'He moved to arizona.'

Jemaine · Dave:Dave, I'm going on a date with a woman tonight. Gonna bang her? She didn't mention that. She mentioned dinner.

Prime Minister · Dave:You know what that is, don't you? Glitch in the matrix. Fuckin' a.

Jemaine · Dave · Elton:Jemaine explaining he's been away three days and still wearing the costume

Dave · Bret:Hey! What's up, guys? Hey, Dave. What's with the fish, Bret? I've got a girlfriend.

Dave · Bret · Jemaine:Dave's confusion about their existence/New Zealand

Dave · Jemaine:Guys, women like three things: Men in kilts, southern comfort, and Chris isaak's 'wicked game.' Whoa, he does know more than you.

Bret · Dave:Your dad? / Yeah. I can't have you at my apartment. What if some crazy shit goes down?