Dave

Dave:I don't want to be a dick, but could you guys move away? I'm trying to look lonely.

Dave:Chicks are attracted to lonely guys. It's a psychological analogy.

Dave:And what about Eugene? He knows what he's doing.

Dave:Have you tried the gulab jamuns? They're off the hook.

Dave:It doesn't make any difference... Isabella. / I don't want cake... / It's top quality. / Get out. I don't want your cake! / What an idiot, trying to sell me a cake.

Dave · Jemaine:Hey, Jemaine, I don't know how they do things back in England... / New Zealand. / Yeah, whatever. I don't really give a shit.

Dave · Jemaine:You don't get with your bandmate's girlfriend, past or present. / Yes, thanks for that. / You get a love triangle. / You know? Fleetwood Mac situation. / Well, there was four of them so more of a love square, but, you know, no one gets on. / Mind you, they did make some of their best music back then. 'Rumors.' / No, that's all true.

Bret · Dave · Murray:Bret: 'There was two of them.' / Dave: 'Two? That's not a gang.' / Bret: 'It was a two-man gang.' / Dave: 'I mean, technically, the smallest gang possible.'

Murray · Bret · Dave:Murray: 'He may be dead.' / Bret: 'He maybe did what?' / Murray: 'He may be dead.' / Bret: 'I know, but what did he maybe do?' — repeated three times

Bret · Dave:Bret talking head: 'That kind of thing, it defines character.' / [pause] / 'Yeah.' / 'Son of a bitch.' / 'Yeah, you know, 'cause you were deserted too.'

Dave · Bret · Murray:Dave: 'Hey guys, remember that time he got his hand caught in that jar? What a dick. I mean, who gets their hand caught in a jar? What a big fucking asshole he was.' / 'That was actually me.' / 'That was Bret, David.'

Dave · Murray:Dave: 'And he helped you when you got your head stuck in the chair. Remember? You were there for hours.'

Dave · Murray · Bret:Dave: 'Hey, what was that one thing he used to say? That always cracked me up. He'd be like... What? What? What?' / 'I never understood a fucking word that guy said.' / 'He did say what a lot.'

Dave:Dave explains that New Zealanders are 'the most disliked race in this whole country' due to being 'the English and whatnot... Redcoats... the oppressors'

Dave:'They don't like you either. Neither do the Chinese, the Asians, the Polish, Russian, Croatians, even the Indians.'

Dave:Dave's revenge plan: inject strychnine in the fruit, the CIA traces it back, vendor goes to 'the big house... Alcatraz'

Dave:'Haven't you seen Escape From Alcatraz? It wasn't easy, bro.'

Jemaine · Bret · Dave:'Sometimes what I do is I think mean thoughts about the person.' / 'How do they know?' / 'They don't know. I know, that's why I didn't suggest it.'

Dave:Dave's revision of his advice: 'something a little more subtle than framing him for murder — which I actually think is still a great idea — but more obvious than thinking mean thoughts about him'

Dave · Jemaine · Bret:'Flip him the bird' — Dave's instruction; neither Jemaine nor Bret know what 'the bird' is

Dave:'It's not a fucking school play production. It's the bird.' — Dave's exasperated summary

Dave:Dave explains the bird's meaning: 'Hey, you better not disrespect me, man, even though I'm gonna disrespect you.'

Dave · Bret:Bret practices the bird with Dave coaching him through it with timing: 'Around, and up. Good, Bret. Around and up.' — one minute 32 seconds to learn

Bret · Dave:'Hey, Dave, can I ask you a question about women's sexuality?' / 'Sure, you came to the right place for that.'

Dave:'Hot bod, gross face. I get it. Just hit that shit from behind.'

Dave:Dave's sausage philosophy: 'In America, if you want something, you've got to be prepared to put out for it. How do you think I eat so well every lunchtime?'

Dave:How do you think I eat so well every lunchtime? / Hey, Mrs. Chang. Thanks for the egg rolls, huh.

Dave:I got a shirt that's got a mouse having sex with another mouse in a mousetrap.

Dave:I guarantee you, I was just pumping away in this thing the other night.

Bret · Dave:I was hoping to dress something like Prince. — Kind of erogenous, huh? — Yeah, but toned down a bit, like, Prince if he was just going to the zoo or the supermarket. — Casual Prince? — Casual Prince.

Dave:[Shh!] [pause] — Jesus! — Sorry guys. My roommate's being kind of a jerk.

Dave · Bret:She thinks she's my mom. — That is your mom. — Dude, you think I live with my parents? — Oh, is that your dad, though? — No. That's just some old, crotchety Indian couple that I sublet to. The weird thing is they look like me.

Dave · Bret · Jemaine:Dave's story about 'four or five really hot foreign chicks... Swedish or Korean... wanting a five-way' used as an analogy for the value of honesty.

Dave:'Excuse me, but I don't think monogamy is legal in this country, I don't know where you're from.'

Dave:Dave: 'No, these women I met, I took them up on a plane, they were making a salad, next thing you know, they're just wrestling at 85,000 feet.'

Dave:Dave: 'You said there would be a lot of women here today.' / 'They're probably just doing brazilians. They'll show up.'

Dave:Dave on the jingle: 'Some of the best songs are jingles. ¶ Pussymart, Pussymart. ¶'

Dave · Bret:Dave demonstrates the 'Dave double-down technique': 'How much would you give me for this? / A dollar. / Double it. / $2. / Double it again. / $4. / Sold!'

Dave · Bret:Dave: 'There's your pen. Just give me my $4.' Bret: 'I thought it was an exercise.' Dave: 'Yeah, you've got to learn the whole lesson.' ... 'I'm gonna waive the tax.'

Dave:Dave's special skills: 'I can make a weapon out of pretty much anything that's lying around. Like when I'm gardening, some a-hole tries to sneak up and take me out... watering can tied to a hose. Pop! Cops show up, what's that, officer? No, just watering the geraniums.'

Dave · Bret:Dave's extended gang resumé continues: 'And in '54 I joined the monkey lords. After that, the rockers, the gentleman jims, the tsars, the stars, the might midgets from Queens.' Bret: 'So you've had a lot of gang experience, basically.' Dave: 'They're all gangs, big daddy!'

Dave · Murray:Dave at gang defense meeting: 'I'm available most days after 6:00 but not weekends... and I can't say why.' Murray: 'Dinner with your parents?' Dave: 'Huh! No.'

Gang · Dave · Jemaine:Bret's gang mistakes Jemaine for an enemy: 'Bret! Bret! Bret! We got him good!' then 'False alarm. It's Jemaine.' followed by Dave attacking anyway: 'Can attack!'

Bret · Dave:Bret and Dave on watch: 'We're looking for, basically, all rappers.' Dave: 'Mos Def, all the guys.' Bret: 'Mos Def, the guy from Law & Order: SVU?' Dave: 'No, that's Ice Cube, but keep an eye out for him.'

Bret · Dave:Extended rapper-filmography confusion: Ice Cube was in 'Are We There Yet?' and 'Are We Done Yet?', Method Man from 'Meet the Spartans,' Snoop Dogg 'was the voice of Lightning the racehorse.' 'Yeah, you don't want him on your ass.'

Bret · Jemaine · Dave:Bret explains confrontation to teens: 'So you should respect other people's property.' Then accidentally kicks a kid. 'Bret, you just kicked a kid!' 'Sorry.' 'You could get 10 years for that.'

Dave · Bret:Dave, fleeing the scene: 'Let's haul ass fast. I know a place we can hide till this blows over. Come on. You dig?' Bret: 'I think so.'

Dave · Bret:Dave leads them to a building that used to be 'the dapper dukes' hideout' in 1958 — now it's presumably gone or replaced. 'Where's the dapper dukes' hideout? It was right here. You know, we laid low for three straight months back in '58.' Bret: 'Johnny, I think they've probably all retired by now.'

Dave:Dave's retirement speech: 'I'm getting old. This game ain't no good for me no more. I'm sorry, Louie. I'm out. So long, lil Louie.' — addressed to Bret, whom he's calling 'lil Louie'

Dave:Police knock. Dave: 'Look, if my mom... I'm not going back to the big house, all right? I'm out of here. Stall 'em.' — flees at the sound of police

Bret · Dave · Jemaine · Murray:The gang immediately disbands again: Dave quits, so does Jemaine, then Murray: 'Well, if you're out and you're out, then I'm out. Really? Yeah, I'm out.' Bret: 'You're out as well? Well, I'm not leaving.' Bret alone: 'So that's it... I'm in. I'm the gang. I'm the Tough Brets.'

Murray · Dave:Murray hands Dave $20 to babysit Bret and Jemaine, explaining 'Last time I gave them $20 they went away and spent it. Bought a magazine and a giant beach ball.'

Dave · Bret · Murray:Dave, after being asked about Jemaine: 'Wait a second. Which one are you?' — to Bret, who is standing right in front of him

Dave · Bret · Murray:Dave farewell: 'See you, Murray. See you, Jemaine.' (misidentifying Bret as Jemaine). Then he's gone before they can correct him.

Dave · Murray · Bret:Dave: 'I just think it's really cool that you love each other even though you're from Austria and you're from someplace no one's even fucking heard of.' Murray: 'Australia.' Bret: 'New Zealand.'

Dave:Dave: 'It's like that movie, Interracial Hole Stretchers 2. She was white and they were black, but it didn't matter in the end, did it? Because they were in love. I haven't seen that one. Well, it really affected me.'

Jemaine · Dave:Jemaine reveals his elopement destination: New Jersey. 'Wow. New Jersey, huh? I'd love to go there.' Dave: 'But I got a lot of shit going on in the states right now.'

Dave:Dave to Jemaine: 'Don't drink the water.' — as Jemaine prepares to elope to New Jersey

Dave:Dave's advice: 'It's never easy when you've got two chicks into the same dude. I'm talking about two guys that are into the same girl. Whoa, what the fuck is that? I have never been there. With me it's always been two or more girls into the same guy.' — attributing to himself the more impressive version

Dave · Bret:Dave's story: 'I had the same situation once with my friend Derek. Well, let's just say Derek's no longer with us.' Long pause. 'No no no no. He moved to Arizona.'

Dave:Dave: 'You were put on this earth to precreate.'

Dave · Barbara:Dave's vaccine now has toffee in it — 'I've got a new batch of the vaccine. It's got toffee in it.' / 'That doesn't sound very medical.'

Bret · Dave:Bret: 'What are you doing in here?' Dave: 'Fixing the shower.' Bret: 'It wasn't broken.' Dave: 'Well, I'm sorry... I broke it.'

Dave · Bret · Jemaine:Dave: 'But you do... you do exist, don't you?' — then the reveal that the boys previously claimed not to exist / to be from Never Never Land

Dave:Dave's theory on women: 'Men in kilts, southern comfort, and Chris Isaak's Wicked Game.'

Dave · Jemaine:Simultaneous conflicting advice: Dave tells Bret to ask about her face, Jemaine tells him to compliment her hair

Bret · Jemaine · Dave:Jemaine: 'Compliment her hair.' Dave: 'Ask her what's up with her face.' Bret follows Dave's advice: 'What's up with your face?'

Jemaine · Dave:Jemaine: 'Now tell her you're freaky.' Dave: 'Don't tell her that.' / Dave: 'Tell her you're a freak.' / Jemaine: 'Why would you tell her that he's freaky?' Dave (off-mic): 'How's he gonna get into her pants if he doesn't...'

Mel · Jemaine · Dave:Mel accuses Jemaine and Dave of watching her for three and a half hours — then becomes disappointed when told it's not about her

Dave:Dave calls via Bret's earpiece at the sushi restaurant: 'Tell her you're freaky, Bret. Tell her you're freaky.'

Dave · Bret:Dave explains he can't host them because his roommate 'is a dangerous drug dealer' — 'Your dad?' / 'Yeah.'

Dave:'I'm not allowed to have friends over on weeknights.'