Wingmen

Jemaine:where are you going with this, Bret?

Jemaine:when was this?

Jemaine:uh, Bret, could you please move over to your right?

Jemaine:oh, yeah? Sounds a bit gay.

Jemaine:so did you... did you get the bread, or...

Bret:she said her name was a secret then she said her name was cheri...

Jemaine:is her middle name cheri? So it's a secret cheri maybe?

Jemaine:oh, frigid

Jemaine:Bret, did any of this actually happen?

Bret:Bret reveals 95% was made up after elaborate fantasy

Jemaine:I made 95% of that up. Which bit's true? I saw a girl.

Jemaine:So your excuse for not getting the bread is because you were on a fantasy date?

Jemaine:Why don't you go on a real date?

Bret:Because they're never as good as fantasy dates.

Jemaine:She works down at the cheap zoo.

Bret:The pet store?

Bret:She's, um, one of the cat tamers.

Bret:Every time Bret goes in to see her he freezes up and ends up buying two goldfish he doesn't even want

Jemaine:Well, if you get two, you get one free. But you don't even want any goldfish, Bret. Why would you buy two? Might as well get one free.

Jemaine:Oh! When?

Bret:Always.

Jemaine:Oh, okay.

Bret:So you do something every time, and suddenly you've got a reputation.

Jemaine:What are you doing in here?

Murray:Fixing the shower.

Jemaine:It wasn't broken.

Murray:Well, I'm sorry... I broke it.

Murray breaking then 'fixing' the shower

Dave:Hey! What's up, guys?

Dave:Hey, Dave. What's with the fish, Bret?

Bret:I've got a girlfriend.

Dave's confusion about their existence/New Zealand

Dave:Guys, women like three things: Men in kilts, southern comfort, and Chris isaak's 'wicked game.'

Whoa, he does know more than you.

Murray's elaborate band meeting protocol for three people

Murray:uh, to be honest with you, at the end of the day, um... actually, I think greg could be responsible.

Murray:Well, it's like... it's kind of like a habit. You know, we sort of fall into these patterns. Day after day, we end up doing the same sort of thing.

Murray's relationship metaphor about old sneakers

Jemaine:'Chicken torso' as Bret's codename

Jemaine:Stand with your feet apart like your balls are on fire. Don't do the accompanying face, though... just the stance.

Jemaine:Half ignore her and half pay attention to her.

Bret:Hello.

Jemaine:Turn side on.

Bret:Say somethin you assho!

Jemaine:Compliment her hair.

Bret:Ask her what's up with her face.

Bret:What's up with your face?

Murray:Tell her you're freaky.

Jemaine:Why would you tell her that he's freaky?

Murray:How's he gonna get into her pants if he doesn't...

Mel's stalking advice including collecting nail clippings

Going through Savannah's garbage and knowing specific bill amounts

Mel:when you love someone, you need all the ammunition you can get to take them down.

Bret:Business stuff... you know, stock exchange, calculators.

John:I told you... did I not explain that? You know, this is bullshit. I didn't come out here to do pro Bono work.

The mugging going wrong with John actually stealing the purse

Jemaine:Jemaine in the van on walkie-talkie: 'Chicken torso. Chicken torso, can you hear me?' — Bret's call sign

Bret:girl, I'm gonna take the month of august off just to get you off

Bret:I'm freaky

Bret:let's take my body and we'll cover it with honey

Bret:stick some money to the honey

Bret:now I'm covered in money, honey

Savannah:How do you know about my electricity Bill?

Bret:Well, I just went through your rubbish and I found your Bill.

Bret:She's a bit crazy.

Jemaine:Do you want me to give you a hand breaking up with her?

Jemaine:'You shouldn't have said that. It's too early.'

Bret · Jemaine · Savannah:Savannah: 'Is that a walkie-talkie on your kilt?' Jemaine: 'Tell her it's an iPod.' Bret: 'It's an old iPod.' Savannah: 'Okay.'

Jemaine · Dave:Jemaine: 'Now tell her you're freaky.' Dave: 'Don't tell her that.' / Dave: 'Tell her you're a freak.' / Jemaine: 'Why would you tell her that he's freaky?' Dave (off-mic): 'How's he gonna get into her pants if he doesn't...'

Bret · Savannah:Savannah: 'Can I help you with something?' Bret: 'I'll just... I'll just get a goldfish, please.'

Mel · Jemaine · Dave:Mel accuses Jemaine and Dave of watching her for three and a half hours — then becomes disappointed when told it's not about her

Mel:Mel has apparently been watching Bret and Jemaine from outside for three and a half hours — but assumed they were watching HER

Mel:Mel on finding the key to someone's heart: 'I like to find useful information in bills, letters. Sometimes I collect nail clippings, but that's just me.'

Mel:Mel: 'Bret, does she run an Indian food takeaway?' — then produces Savannah's rubbish

Mel:Mel: 'When you love someone, you need all the ammunition you can get to take them down.'

Mel:Mel's account of how she and Doug got together: 'He resisted at first. In the end he cracked.'

Mel · Doug:Mel: 'Mel, this dumpster is definitely from a different building.' / Mel: 'Keep looking, Doug.'

Mel:Mel: 'I think she has man's feet.' / 'Man feet, Bret.'

Mel · Doug · Bret · Jemaine:Doug: 'Ah. Motorcycle magazines.' Mel: 'She must like tough guys.' Bret and Jemaine: 'Tough guys?'

Murray · Jemaine:Murray wants Jemaine as wingman to apologize to Greg — instructs Jemaine to discuss 'business stuff... stock exchange, calculators'

Murray:Murray's strategy for distracting Greg's businessman contact: 'Business stuff — you know, stock exchange, calculators.'

Murray:Murray's apology to Greg: 'I like your tie.' — as an opener

Murray:Murray's squashed chocolates from his desk: 'They're a bit squashed, but...'

Murray:Murray: 'No breaking through that wall of ice, is there?' — to Jemaine, while Greg silently takes another chocolate

Jemaine:Jemaine, meant to be distracting the businessman Sven, has gotten deeply into a game: '2-3-6... this is a fun game. Do you ever play it online?'

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine: 'Bret, I don't want to be your wingman anymore.' Bret: 'What? Why not?' Jemaine: 'It's tiring. I'm exhausted.'

Bret · Jemaine:Bret's plan: 'I bump into Savannah tonight, you mug us and I beat you up a little bit.' / 'I saw it on a sitcom.' / 'Did it work on the sitcom?' / 'Not completely, no, but this is real, so I think we've got a better chance.'

Savannah:Savannah recognizes Bret: 'the goldfish guy... like, can I get a goldfish?'

Bret:Bret: 'Yeah, I've bought, like, 63 goldfish off you.'

Bret:Bret: 'I'm happy to be your bodyguard. This is a dangerous corner.'

John:John: 'I didn't come out here to do pro bono work. I do this for a living. This is my profession. You can't take advantage of our friendship like this.'

John · Jemaine:John in disguise: 'What the fuck is on your face?' / Jemaine: 'I just thought it would make me look more criminal.' / 'Take it off. You're like the Hamburglar. That guy fucking scares me.'

Jemaine · John:John's appearance: Jemaine says 'What the fuck is on your face?' / 'I just thought it would make me look more criminal.' / 'Take it off. You're like the Hamburglar. That guy fucking scares me.'

John · Jemaine · Bret · Savannah:The mugging goes wrong: John forgets to let them keep the purse and actually mugs Savannah

Jemaine · Bret:Jemaine: 'What did you bring him for?' Bret: 'He's the only mugger I know, isn't he?'

Bret:Bret to Savannah after the chaos: 'They're not supposed to do that.' / 'Would you still like to get a little bit of sushi?'

Jemaine · John:'Oh, it worked. They're walking away together.' / John: 'I know.' / Jemaine: 'Hey, you weren't maced. Why are you crying?' / John: 'I'm not fucking crying.'

Jemaine · John:John still has the purse — 'force of habit'

Murray:Murray uses diplomatic immunity to get Jemaine released — with handmade Kinko's cards: 'Jemaine Clemaine, New Zealand Diplomat'

Murray:Murray: 'I'm the deputy cultural attache for the new zealand government, and this is my assistant greg. He's actually angry with me about something, so I've brought him in here as a treat. We don't really need him, but it's good to get him out of the office.'

Murray:Murray to the officer: 'Can we get my friend John out as well?' Officer: 'No.' Murray: (accepts this instantly and moves on)

Murray:Murray and Greg reconcile in the police station: 'I knew bringing you here was a good thing.'

Officer:Officer: 'Gentlemen, I'm actually quite busy at the moment, so if you could maybe do this some other time, maybe?'

Dave:Dave calls via Bret's earpiece at the sushi restaurant: 'Tell her you're freaky, Bret. Tell her you're freaky.'

Bret:Bret: 'I'm freaky.' Savannah: 'What?' Bret: 'Did I mention that I'm one of those sort of freaky guys?' — then the 'I'm Freaky' song begins

Bret:The 'I'm Freaky' song — opening lines: taking August off to get her off, clearing the tabletop requiring a mop

Bret:'Let's take a photo of a goat in a boat / then we can float in the moat / and be freaky'

Jemaine · Bret:'She's a bit crazy.' / 'Do you want me to give you a hand breaking up with her?'