The Fight

Tom:It's a Kahlua-style liqueur. I call it Snake Juice.

Jerry:Snake Juice? That sounds like... I don't even want to think about what that sounds like.

Tom:What? It's just a name.

Jerry:It sounds like something you'd find at a rest stop bathroom.

Tom:Kahlúa-style means it's got that smooth, sophisticated coffee liqueur vibe, you know? It's the kind of drink you serve at a fancy dinner party when you want people to think you have taste. Which I do. Obviously. It's basically just saying 'this is classy as hell.'

Tom:A Done-zo list? It's a comprehensive catalog of all the romantic prospects I've exhausted in this town. We're talking about women I've dated, women who've rejected me, women who've restraining-ordered me. It's color-coded, cross-referenced, and regularly updated.

Tom:So when I'm looking to pursue someone new, I consult the Done-zo list to make sure I'm not wasting my time on someone who's already made it clear they'd rather see me hit by a bus.

Tom:Last week, I tried to ask out this woman at the grocery store, checked the list, and sure enough—she's on there. Turns out we went to mini golf together three years ago and I spent the whole time talking about my cryptocurrency portfolio while she was trying to break up with me.

Tom:So no, we're done-zo. And I mean that literally—we got kicked out of Putt-Putt because apparently you can't re-propose to someone at the windmill hole when they've already said no twice.

Leslie:So why did you and Jesse break up?

Ann:He said he wanted to get back together with his ex-girlfriend.

Leslie:Oh my God, that's terrible!

Ann:Yeah, but honestly? I'm pretty sure I only dated him because he looked like a young Marlon Brando.

Ann:I can't get it back. He's probably reading it right now, and if I interrupt him, I might startle him, and he could have a heart attack, and then I'd be responsible for his death.

Ann:Mattias is such a great boyfriend. He's sensitive, he's thoughtful, he's incredibly attractive...

Ann:The only problem is astrologically he's a Gemini-Scorpio cusp, which makes absolutely no sense.

Tom:Alright everyone, listen up. We need guerrilla marketing for my business. I'm assigning roles.

Tom:Jerry, you're playing yourself.

Jerry:Wait, what? I don't understand.

Tom:It's perfect. Nobody knows who you are, nobody cares what you do. You're basically invisible. That's exactly the vibe we're going for.

Tom:It's K-razzy. With a K. It means crazy.

Ron:Why would you do that?

Tom:Because it's fun. It's a fun word. You just... you say it and it makes you feel good.

Ron:I don't endorse products I don't believe in. But I do recommend a cast iron skillet, a good whiskey, and a solid handshake. Those are the only three things a man needs.

Ron:Well, that and a reliable axe. And a bench vise. And a quality wood stain.

Ron:And perhaps some sandpaper. Various grits.

Leslie:Dennis Cooper went completely bananas after his wife's affair. He started putting up these increasingly desperate and pathetic public signs all over City Hall.

Dennis Cooper:I've had this STD for three years now. I call it my 'Miss Universe.'

Chris:Why would you call it that?

Dennis Cooper:Because it's been around the world and it never goes away.

Ann:Wow.

Leslie:I know, right? 9 AM is pretty early, but I pulled some strings.

Leslie:Because I assigned it. And I need to know if it's good so I can recommend it to people and they'll think I'm well-read and sophisticated.

Ann:I think about it every single day.

Leslie:Come on, April! Let's do some role-playing to make this more fun!

April:Okay. I'm a dead-eyed woman who has completely given up on life, and you're the reason why.

Jean-Ralphio:Yo, yo, yo. Leslie Knope, she's so dope, she climbs a rope, like an antelope.

Leslie:Jean-Ralphio, I appreciate the effort, but 'dope' and 'rope' rhyme, 'antelope' doesn't rhyme with those words. That's not how rhyme schemes work.

Jean-Ralphio:Nah, nah, nah, you're wrong. It's called a slant rhyme.

Leslie:It's called not knowing what you're talking about.

Jean-Ralphio:Cramming? I'm great at cramming. One time I crammed so hard, I threw out my back.

The Douche:Hey ladies, are you a parking ticket? Because you've got FINE written all over you. Wait, that doesn't work. Are you from a parking lot? Because you're taking up two spaces in my heart.

The Douche:Oh my God, Leslie Knope! You listen to The Douche?

Leslie Knope:No, I... I was just—

The Douche:You know what? You're gonna love this. Last week I did a whole segment called 'Eating Foods off a Stripper's Body.' It was my proudest moment as a radio personality.

The Douche:That was classic, right?

Leslie:

April:Okay, so I'm a rogue intelligence agent who was disavowed by the government for knowing too much about Area 51.

Andy:And I'm a washed-up stuntman trying to rebuild my reputation after a scandal involving a horse and a wedding cake.

April:We meet in Budapest to distribute these flyers about a new frozen yogurt shop.

Andy:But we can't let anyone know we're working together, because if the wrong people find out, they'll kill us both.

Tom:April, you look like a snack. A very legal, consensual snack.

Tom:Ron, I've got a foolproof investment opportunity for you. It's called 'Rent-a-Swag.' You rent out swagger to people who need it for job interviews or first dates.

Ron:Tom, no.

Tom:Okay, okay, hear me out. What about 'Entertainment 720 Part 2: Electric Boogaloo'? We make it bigger, badder, more expensive.

Ron:You're describing the same business.

Tom:No, no, this time we also sell the boogaloo separately. It's a revenue stream. Or—or what about 'Treat Yo Self: The Airline'? Every seat is business class, and we just hand you money for no reason.

Ron:You'd be bankrupt before takeoff.

Tom:That's the beauty of it, Ron. Bankruptcy is just a fresh start, and I'd be a phoenix rising from the ashes. A phoenix made of debt and poor decisions, but a phoenix nonetheless.

Tom:Ron, I'm offering you a chance to try Snake Juice. If you don't like it, you have to do whatever I say for a week.

Ron:What do I get if I do like it?

Tom:Uh... you get to keep drinking Snake Juice?

Ron:I'm in. When do I start taking orders from you?

Ron:This is... surprisingly smooth. What's in this?

Tom:Snake Juice, baby. Premium ingredients.

Ron:I was wrong about you, Haverford. This is excellent.

The Douche:My pickup line is, 'Are you a douche? Because I'm a douchebag and we belong together.'

Leslie:So how long do you think this thing with The Douche is going to last?

Ann:Oh, I'd say about two more weeks. Maybe three if he doesn't do anything too stupid.

The Douche:I'm sitting right here.

Ann:I know.

Leslie:That hat is a disaster. That hat makes you look like a sad, confused pilgrim.

Ron:I, Ron Swanson, do hereby endorse Snake Juice. It is a beverage of considerable quality. The alcohol content is robust. The aftertaste is minimal, if present at all. I have consumed many bottles of this product, and I am still alive. I recommend Snake Juice to anyone who enjoys drinking alcohol, or who simply wishes to forget. It is available at most establishments that sell liquor. I give it my highest recommendation.

Tom:It's got electrolytes, it's got vitamins, it's got potassium. It's basically like Gatorade, except it can literally kill you.

Chris:Why would you lead with that?

Tom:Because it's exciting!

Tom:It's 140 proof. Snake Juice.

Chris:That will kill you.

Leslie:You know what? You've always been kind of a boring person.

Ann:Oh, that's rich coming from you. You're obsessed with yourself.

Leslie:At least I care about things! You just drift through life like some kind of... blonde ghost.

Ann:A blonde ghost? Really? You're drunk and you're not even making sense anymore.

Leslie:I make perfect sense. You know what your problem is? You have no opinions. You're just a yes-woman.

Ann:And you're exhausting! Not everything is about Parks and Rec, Leslie. Not everything is about you being the best at your job.

Leslie:Well at least I have a job I care about! What do you do? Model? Give advice nobody asked for?

Ann:You know what? I'm done. We're not even friends right now.

Leslie:Okay, I'm going to stay calm and rational about this.

Leslie:You're a big stupid head! Yeah, that's right! A stupid, stupid head with a stupid face!

Leslie:Okay, so... so the thing about waffles is that they're just... they're just pancakes that went to the gym, you know? And I respect that. I respect that commitment. But here's the thing - and this is important - we need to talk about the raccoons. They're planning something. I can feel it. They're in the walls, and they're... they're unionizing. We need a permit for that. Actually, we need to STOP that. Or encourage it? I'm not... I'm not entirely sure anymore. But Ben - Ben would know. Ben knows everything. He's so smart. Have I mentioned that? Because he is. He's like a human calculator, but prettier. Much prettier. Anyway, the point is... what was the point? Oh! Treat yo' self! But like, treat the raccoons too, because they're part of the community, and we're all in this together, and I just... I just love this town so much.

Andy:I'm like a... I'm like a human version of a Golden Retriever mixed with a... with a sandwich. And that sandwich is also a Golden Retriever. You know what I mean?

Andy:You know what they say about elephants—they never forget. And you know what else never forgets? Howard Stern. That guy remembers everything.

Andy:I'm in the woods... I'm in the woods... everybody's got a soul except for Andy... I'm a goofy goober... yeah... I got no rhythm... I got no game... but I got heart... I'm gonna eat some... some pizza... some waffles... some eggs... some bacon... some toast... some cereal... some milk... some cheese... some bread... some butter... some jam... some peanut butter... some jelly... some hot dogs... some buns... some ketchup... some mustard... some mayonnaise...

April:Where should we drive first?

Andy:Butt first.

Jerry:Why are we even here? I mean, really, why are any of us here? We're all just floating through space on a rock, pretending our jobs matter, pretending our lives have meaning. April, do you ever think about that? We're all going to die.

Leslie:Wait, you ran a 5k while hungover?

Chris:Yes, I woke up this morning and felt great, so I thought I'd get some exercise in.

Leslie:Chris, you're literally vomiting right now.

Chris:I know, but I'm doing it while running!

Ron:When you make a burger, you start with the meat. Now, some people will tell you to grind it yourself, but I recommend just going to the butcher and having him do it. He'll grind it up real nice. Then you take that meat, and you form it into a patty. You want it to be about this thick. Not too thick, not too thin. Just right. Then you throw it on the grill. You hear that sizzle? That's the sound of a job well done.

Leslie:I have a hangover so bad, I can see sounds and hear colors. My liver filed for divorce. I'm pretty sure I'm currently being haunted by a bottle of tequila.

Leslie:April, I'm so sorry.

April:For what?

Leslie:I don't know, but I feel like I owe you an apology too.

Leslie:Ben, I'm so sorry. I feel terrible about what happened.

Ben:Leslie, what are you talking about? What did you do?

Leslie:I... I'm not entirely sure, but I know I need to apologize for it.

Leslie:Ben, I'm so sorry.

Ben:For what?

Leslie:I have no idea.

Kyle:Wait, if he's Bert Macklin's brother, why does he have a different last name?

Andy:Kyle, you're asking too many questions. Just go with it.

Tom:Oh, so you bought my shares? Well, I'm gonna buy YOUR shares. And then I'm gonna buy your shares back. And then I'm gonna tell everyone you smell like a old gym sock.

Donna:Because I'm keeping my club shares, and if anyone has a problem with that, I will hurt them.

Tom:Vin Diesel's career is the perfect business model. He started small, did what he was good at, and then slowly expanded into different markets. Fast and Furious, xXx, Riddick - he diversified his portfolio while maintaining his core brand identity.

Tom:That's what I'm doing with Rambunctious. Start local, build a loyal base, then franchise the hell out of it. In five years, Vin Diesel's going to wish he had my business plan.

Ben:Leslie, why are you wearing a tuxedo?

Leslie:I don't know. I woke up like this.

Ben:Why are you wearing snow pants in April?

Leslie:Because last night, drunk me made a lot of sense. She said, 'You know what? Global warming. We might not have snow next year. You better enjoy it while you can.' And sober me was like, 'That's... not terrible logic.'

Ann:Oh my god, I just realized something. Last night we were like a bad rom-com montage. We had wine, we talked about our feelings, we made a friendship pact... We literally did everything except montage it to an indie song.

Ann:Okay, as a medical professional, I can tell you that Snake Juice is 50% maple syrup and 50% a mixture of various liqueurs that should never be combined. The sugar content alone could kill a horse.

Ben:So what does Leslie actually feel?

Ann:Oh, it's simple. She likes you. You like her. You're both being stubborn idiots about it.

Ann:So Ben likes Leslie, Leslie likes Ben, and you're both just going to sit around and pine for each other like it's high school?

Dennis Cooper:Still obsessing over his personal problems

Ann:I'm here for my interview.

Ben:Ann, why are you wearing a bathing suit?

Ann:Oh, I thought this was a beach interview.

Ben:It's not. Also, you're wearing two different shoes.

Ann:I know. I'm very prepared.

Ann:That's the perfect anti-marketing slogan for Tom's product.

Tom:What? No it's not!

Ann:"Regret and Shame" — it really captures the essence of what you're selling.

Ann:I'm gonna be sick.

Leslie:Oh my God, do you want me to come with you?

Ann:That would actually be really nice.

Leslie:Okay, let's go throw up together.

Leslie Knope:You know, I've been thinking a lot about what really matters in life. And I realized something profound.

Leslie Knope:It's not about the perfect job, or the perfect house, or having everything figured out.

Leslie Knope:It's about the people you love, and showing up for them every single day.

Leslie Knope:Which is why I've color-coded my friendships into four tiers based on reciprocal text message response times and birthday gift expenditure.

Leslie Knope:Because that's what love is—metrics.

The Douche:So I'm listening to the radio last night, right? And I hear this story about two women in the park at night, and I'm thinking, 'Oh, this is gonna be good.'

Crazy Ira:What happened?

The Douche:So the cops show up, and one of the women is all 'We were just doing government work!' And I'm like, sure you were. Government work. At night. In the park.

The Douche:Then the other one starts crying, and I'm thinking this is definitely not about government work anymore.

Crazy Ira:So what were they doing?

The Douche:I don't know, man. But whatever it was, they were really committed to their story about 'permits' and 'regulations.'

The Douche:Crazy Ira, you won't believe what happened at the club last night. This girl came up to me and said, 'You're really attractive.' So I said, 'Thanks, baby,' and she walked away. Then another girl did the same thing. I'm telling you, I was killing it out there.

Crazy Ira:Douche, those girls were hitting on you?

The Douche:Absolutely. I mean, what else could it be? Women only say things like that when they're attracted to you. It's basic biology. They were probably fighting over who got to take me home.

Tom Haverford · Donna Meagle:Sorry to hear the news, Tom. We're gonna miss you around the club. / Hey, you own shares, too. Why didn't Chris make you sell? / 'Cause Chris doesn't know. / You know what? Snitches get stitches.

Tom Haverford:I'm a natural moneymaker. I got into government for the connections. This was supposed to be a thing that led to the other thing. It's like when Vin did Boiler Room. That's what led to him being xXx and doing Furious.

Tom Haverford:Why don't you turn that 'frizz-own' 'upside-dizzity'?

Chris Traeger · Ben Wyatt:You're wearing snow pants. / I got home last night, and I thought I might go sledding.

Ben Wyatt · Ann Perkins:Ben visits Ann at her house: Leslie doesn't know he's there. Ann: 'Oh, God. So high school.'

Ben Wyatt:All I know is Leslie's always talking about how lucky she is to have you as a friend. And I just wanted you to know that.

Ann Perkins:Oh, God. This is so high school. / Just rent a limo, ask her to the prom. I'm sure she'll say yes.

Ron Swanson:So let me get this straight. Tom tries to get off the government teat, and we punish him. That doesn't make any sense to me.

Leslie Knope:Leslie's defense of Tom to Chris: 'He's not savvy enough to manipulate the system like that. He's just a kid chasing a goofy dream.'

Dennis Cooper · Ben Wyatt:Jan Cooper was a terrible wife. I just want everybody to know that. / Thank you, Dennis. But we can't give you your job back. / You sound just like her.

Leslie Knope · Ann Perkins · Leslie Knope:Your sweater's on inside out. / And backwards. / It's been a tough morning. / Lots of regret and shame. That should be the official slogan for Snake Juice.

Leslie Knope · Ann Perkins:This committee would like to ask if you are the kind of candidate who could forgive someone after they've behaved like a complete jackass? / This candidate could, especially because this candidate also behaved like a total jackass.

Ann Perkins:Also, I can talk about my qualifications for this position. But first, I am gonna go throw up in a wastebasket.

Leslie Knope · Ann Perkins:Would you mind if I joined you? / Not at all. / Shall we?

Leslie Knope:We need to remember what's important in life. Friends, waffles, and work. Or waffles, friends, work. It doesn't matter. But work is third.

The Douche · Crazy Ira:So I'm dancing on the floor with this super-hot chick. / Me so horny. / More like a dude, I bet. / Hello? / Did you wet your whistle? / I wish. / Me likey.

The Douche · Leslie Knope · Crazy Ira:No, no, no, no. She spent the whole night talking to her friend, arguing about their feelings. / That's me! / Who knows? She's probably a lesbian. / They were in the bathroom a long time.