The Fight

Sounds like you took a snake and twisted it like a rag until its blood and guts came out.

I mix a bunch of alcohol together, I add some sugar and coffee and some other junk, and it kind of tastes like Kahlua.

Done-zo list explanation and escalation

I just... I couldn't deal with his face.

Oh, well, I'm technically out of the country. So I would have to call him from a weird number.

He's a triple Pisces.

Jerry, you'll be playing a boring beer drinker. Your name will be Jerry.

'Ca-razy.' Like 'crazy.'

My only official recommendations are U.S. Army-issued mustache trimmers, Morton Salt, and the C.R. Laurence Fein two-inch, axe-style scraper oscillating knife blade.

Series of Dennis Cooper's revenge signs about his wife's affair

The Department of Health congratulates Jan Cooper. Miss Chlamydia.

Yes, I know. I couldn't get it earlier.

Because I'm almost done with it, Ann. And I want to talk to you about Patty.

It happened once. Just once. That already is too many times.

That makes it sexy. / Can I use a weird voice and try to freak people out?

'K' to the 'N' to the 'O-P-E,' she's the dopest little shorty in all Pawnee, Indiana. / Why didn't you just stop at 'Pawnee'?

She might be up all night, but I think someone else is gonna be doing the cramming. Uh-oh!

Is there enough room for some 'man-aise' in this lady sandwich?

Wait! Were you on the show where we had that stripper do math? Classic, right?

Reaction beat - Leslie's silence after 'Classic, right?'

Janet Snakehole and Bert Macklin introduction sequence

I got to admit, I thought your costume would maybe be a little bit sluttier.

Tom's rapid-fire terrible business ideas list

If you don't, I'll shave Jean-Ralphio's head. / Yeah, I'd like to see that.

Damn, if that isn't delicious.

If you're looking for douches, they're in Aisle Me.

I don't know. He's dumb, but he's fun. / Thank you.

Well, this hat is an idiot.

Ron's Snake Juice endorsement speech

It's 140 proof, which means it's 70% alcohol. But don't worry. There's plenty of caffeine in it to keep you awake.

I believe an ounce of that would literally kill me.

Leslie and Ann's escalating drunk fight

You're stupid, and you're drunk and you're stupid.

You don't even know one thing. I didn't even say one thing. And then she asked me the whole thing, and I didn't even do it once.

I'm like an elephant, okay? If I walk into a room, it's like, okay, he's in there.

Bababooey.

Farts and poop and love and stuff / Macaroni salad

Your mother's butt.

I'm so alone.

Really? / No, I threw up in the shower.

First, you take the cow to the killing floor...

Then our heads will explode, and we will die.

I owe her, like, a million apologies. I think I owe you one, too. I'm sorry. For what? I don't know.

I'm sorry. For what? / I don't know.

I'm sorry. For what? I don't know. Are you okay? No, I'm sad.

Bert Macklin may be dead, but I'm his brother Kip Hackman. Why wouldn't you have his same last name? Shut up, Kyle.

You know what? Snitches get stitches.

Snitches get stitches.

It's like when Vin did Boiler Room. That's what led to him being xXx and doing Furious.

You're wearing snow pants.

I got home last night, and I thought I might go sledding.

I can't believe that Leslie and I got drunk in a bar and fought about boys. We're so much better than that.

What the hell is in Snake Juice, Demerol?

Just rent a limo, ask her to the prom. I'm sure she'll say yes.

Just rent a limo, ask her to the prom. I'm sure she'll say yes.

Jan Cooper was a terrible wife. I just want everybody to know that.

Your sweater's on inside out. And backwards.

That should be the official slogan for Snake Juice.

But first, I am gonna go throw up in a wastebasket. Would you mind if I joined you? Not at all. Shall we?

Friends, waffles, and work. Or waffles, friends, work. It doesn't matter. But work is third.

Hello? Did you wet your whistle? I wish. Me likey. Who knows? She's probably a lesbian. They were in the bathroom a long time.

The Douche's radio show recap and reactions