Road Trip

Ben:I was just... thinking about you while writing this report.

Leslie:Oh?

Ben:Because you asked to read it. That's the only reason. You asked me to let you read it, so I was thinking about you reading it.

Leslie:Okay...

Ben:What if we came up with a couple nickname? Like... Ben and Leslie could be... Belslie?

Ben:No. No, that's terrible. Never mind.

Ann:I just watched Leslie and Ben create sexual tension over zoning ordinances. That's not normal, right?

Leslie:We need to appear professional and enthusiastic.

Ben:Right. Professional. Enthusiastic.

Leslie:Okay, here we go. Big smiles, everyone.

Ben:I'm smiling. Is this not enough smile?

Ben:Thanks, Chris.

Leslie:Yeah, we're... dynamic.

Ben:Very duo.

Leslie:The most dynamic duo.

Ben:Mm-hmm.

Ann:I own a prostitute costume and I look really good in it.

Leslie:We could get a-fired!

Leslie:We need some good conversation topics for the car ride.

Ann:How about asking him about his childhood trauma?

April:Parks Department, this is a monkey at the zoo.

April:I'm very busy flinging feces and eating bananas.

Ron:I'm your boss.

Tom:Ha! Good one, Ron.

Tom:It's obviously just The Newlywed Game with a hip-hop name

Tom:Everyone steals. You think Shakespeare didn't steal? You think he just came up with Romeo and Juliet out of nowhere? No, he stole that from some guy. And then that guy probably stole it from some other guy. And that other guy probably stole it from a movie.

Tom:We need to program content for NBC, ABC, CBS, Fox, The CW, Univision, Telemundo, HBO, Showtime, Starz, Netflix, Amazon Prime, Hulu, YouTube Red, Snapchat, Instagram, Vine, Twitter, Tumblr, Reddit, 4Chan, Craigslist, the dark web, Slurp, Slurp Plus, Slurp Max, Slurp Ultra, Slurp Platinum, Slurp Diamond, Slurp Infinity, and Slurp Forever.

Leslie:The Johns Hopkins dorms have a really great common area on the third floor, and the RA program is actually top-notch...

Ben:Leslie, didn't you go to Indiana University?

Leslie:Yeah.

Ben:So you've never actually been to Johns Hopkins.

Leslie:No.

Leslie:I made us a road trip CD. It's gonna be awesome.

Ben:Great, what's on it?

Leslie:Well, side A is just "Don't Stop Believin'" fourteen times.

Ben:Why?

Leslie:Because it's the best song ever made. Side B is Nickelback's entire "Silver Side Up" album, followed by a twenty-minute recording of my mother's colonoscopy.

Ben:Your mom let you record her colonoscopy?

Leslie:She didn't know. Also, I added some whale sounds, but they're the sad kind of whale sounds.

Ben:That's... quite a sound.

Leslie:Isn't it amazing?

Ben:It's certainly... something.

Student:You're obviously here to be interviewed.

April:No, I'm not.

Tom:Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to 'Treat Yo' Self: The Game Show.' I'm your host, Tom Haverford, and this is my co-host, Puppy Dynamite.

Tom:Woof woof! Hey Tom, how are you doing today?

Tom:I'm doing great, Puppy Dynamite. Thanks for asking, buddy.

April:If you could sleep with any rock star, who would it be?

Andy:Oh, me. Definitely me.

April:Any rock star, Andy.

Andy:Yeah, I know. Me.

April:My favorite band is The Decemberists.

Andy:Oh cool, I love... uh... all music.

April:You have no idea who they are.

Andy:No, I totally know them. They're a... band.

April:I've told you about them like five times.

Andy:Right, yeah. The December... People.

Tom:Oh my God, are you two fighting? This is the best day of my life. I've been waiting for this moment. I even wrote something down.

Tom:"Treat yo' self." No wait, that's not it.

Ron:Government is like a nursing pig. It's bloated, it doesn't work, and it's always got its snout in someone's business.

Ron:I may have made a poor choice of words.

Child:You have food in your mustache.

Ron:That's insubordination. You're fired.

Ben:Wait, why is 'Marvin Gaye' on our unsexy playlist?

Ann:Oh, that was me. I may have sabotaged Leslie's plan.

Ben:What? Why would you do that?

Ann:Because I want romance, Ben. I want someone to look at me the way you look at Leslie.

Leslie:This hotel has the most amazing amenities. They have a spa, a fitness center, and a business lounge. It's like they took everything I love about government buildings and put it in a place where you can also get a Swedish massage.

Leslie:Wait, is this... are you trying to...?

Ben:You have an eyelash on your cheek.

Leslie:Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god.

Leslie:We need to stop. We can't do this. Not here.

Leslie:Bonjour! Je m'appelle Leslie!

Leslie:I'm not overreacting. Ben touched my shoulder and I have a very rare condition called Shoulder Blade Hypersensitivity Syndrome, or SBHS. It's when your shoulder blades are too close to your shoulders.

Ben:That's... not a real thing.

Leslie:It's very real, Ben. I read about it on a website that also sells colloidal silver and has seventeen pop-up ads.

Leslie:Our town has a real obesity problem, which means your players will feel right at home here.

Leslie:Look, we've worked out a territorial agreement with the raccoons. They get the east side of town, we get the west side. It's actually a very reasonable solution.

Ben:Leslie, that's not how raccoons work.

Leslie:Well, it's how they work now. We have a signed agreement.

Ben:Look, I know Pawnee has its problems. But I've come to care about this town. The people here are genuine and hardworking. And there's someone here who believes in making things better, who inspires me every single day to be better. And I'm not just talking about the town anymore.

Leslie:Ben...

Ben:So before you decide to cut funding or shut this department down, I'm asking you to really consider what you'd be taking away from Pawnee. You'd be taking away the chance for someone like Leslie Knope to make a real difference. And that's something worth fighting for.

Tom:What's your favorite intimate location?

Donna:My Lexus.

Jerry:My Lexus.

Tom:You both said the same thing.

Donna:It's a really nice Lexus.

Andy:Look, I don't need to listen to their music to know I don't like it. That's the thing about great art - it speaks for itself. So if I haven't heard it, that means it's not speaking to me, which means it's probably bad.

Ron:I'm going to take half of your lunch to demonstrate how taxes work.

Lauren:Wait, why are you taking my food?

Ron:Because that's what the government does. Now you understand taxes.

Lauren:But that's not fair!

Ron:Precisely.

Leslie:Ben, this is so romantic!

Ben:You know what would make it better? More people. Hey! You there, random stranger! Come join us!

Stranger:Uh... okay?

Ben:Please sit between us. And talk about municipal zoning codes. Non-stop.

Leslie:So it's just going to be us two?

Ben:Yeah, unless you want to invite someone else. We could invite the photographer. And maybe a few other people. Like a medium-sized dinner party. Forty, fifty people.

Leslie:Ben...

Ben:What? I'm just saying options.

Ron:Franklin Delano Roosevelt? Overrated. Massive government expansion, executive overreach, the New Deal was a disaster. He ruined this country.

Child:But... my teacher said he helped during the Great Depression.

Ron:Your teacher is wrong. FDR is the reason we have all these bloated government programs today. Socialism, basically.

Ron:You're a bright young man. You remind me of myself at your age - before my coworkers ground down my soul and destroyed all my optimism.

Ron:Here's a little something for you.

Lauren:Oh, thank you so much, Mr. Swanson!

April:You rigged the game.

Tom:What? No, I didn't.

April:Yes, you did. I figured it out.

Tom:Okay, fine. You got me. That's actually impressive. You know what? You get bonus points for figuring out my manipulation.

Ben:Pawnee is like... a beautiful woman. Strong, intelligent, full of surprising depth.

Ben:She's got this infectious energy that makes you want to be around her all the time.

Ben:And when she smiles, everything just... everything just feels right.

Leslie:Ben, are you talking about the town or about me?

Ben:The town. Pawnee. Obviously the town.

Ben:I'm just gonna, uh, use the restroom real quick. I need to go take care of some personal business. Nothing weird, just normal bathroom stuff. I'm gonna go... water the plants. You know, take a trip to the porcelain throne. I'm not doing anything illegal in there, if that's what you're thinking. I'm definitely not doing cocaine. Why would I do cocaine? I have a job. I have a wife. I have a lot of responsibilities. Anyway, I'll be back in a few minutes.

Leslie:Ann! Code Red! Ben's in trouble!

Ann:Leslie, you use 'Code Red' for everything. Last week you used it because they were out of your favorite yogurt.

Leslie:That was a real emergency, Ann!

Ann:You don't have a code system if every situation is code red. That's just... yelling.

Leslie:Ann, I need you to be the voice of reason here.

Ann:Okay, Leslie, you should probably not do this thing.

Leslie:You know what? I'm doing it.

Ann:No, Leslie, trust me, it's a bad idea.

Leslie:I've already started.

Chris:Leslie! I heard the news and I had to come celebrate with you immediately!

Leslie:Chris, now is really not a good time.

Chris:Not a good time? This is the BEST time! I am literally experiencing maximum enthusiasm levels right now. My heart rate is optimal, my smile is radiant, and I have prepared a seventeen-point congratulations speech!

Leslie:Chris, the park department just got defunded and we're all being laid off.

Chris:That's what makes this moment so perfectly poignant!

Chris:Hey guys! So I just used the bathroom and I wanted to let you know that I'm at 94% efficiency. My bowel movements are 23% more regular than the average American male, and my digestive tract is operating at peak performance. I've been tracking it for six months with a spreadsheet!

Chris:You know, the key to a healthy lifestyle is consistency. I do 200 push-ups every morning, and I track my macros obsessively. Just last week I realized I was consuming 3 grams too much sodium, so I adjusted my entire meal plan.

Ben:Chris, we really should get back to work.

Leslie:Yeah, I have a meeting in five minutes.

Chris:Wait, wait — before you go, does anyone want to play Catan? I just got the seafarers expansion!

Mrs. Burkiss:You gave explosives to my child!

Ron:It seemed appropriate.

Ann:You know, April, relationships are all about compromise and communication.

April:Wow, thanks Ann. I'll just tell Jerry that instead of ruining everything, he should try ruining things slightly less. Problem solved.

Andy:🎵 The pit. The pit. The pit. 🎵

Andy:🎵 It's the pit. 🎵

Andy:🎵 The pit. The pit. The pit. The pit. The pit. 🎵

Andy:April, thank you so much for buying back my guitar. You're the best.

April:I didn't buy it back. I stole it from the pawn shop. The guy who runs it is a moron anyway.

Andy:I love April so much. Like, we have the best sex life. Last night we—

April:Andy, no.

Andy:—tried this thing where she wore my police uniform and—

April:Andy!

Andy:What? I'm just saying, our intimacy is—

April:Please stop talking about our sex life to everyone.

Ron:You can drink when you're 18.

Lauren:But the legal drinking age is 21.

Ron:I know. The government is wrong.

Ben:Ben's confession speech: 'The town has really nice blond hair, too, and has read a shocking number of political biographies for a town, which I like.'

Leslie:Leslie's 'going to see a man about some porcelain' bathroom excuse: 'I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I mean? I'm not buying cocaine. I'm going to the bathroom. The whiz palace, as I like to call it. And I'm not calling Ann, so...'

Leslie · Ann:Ann responds to Leslie's urgent code: 'Ann, we have a serious code Ben.' Ann: 'Well, it's not really code if you say his name.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie reads her own pre-written script back through Ann: 'Leslie, it's Leslie Knope from the Parks Department speaking to you through Ann Perkins, friend and beautiful nurse.'

Leslie · Ann:Leslie debates herself through Ann: 'No, you... Then, Leslie, Leslie, you don't know what you're talking about.' then proceeds to talk herself INTO making out with Ben anyway

Ann:Ann's 'No. Don't. Stop.' said with zero conviction while clearly rooting for Leslie to go for it

Chris:Chris insists on Leslie and Ben staying at his condo: 'Double nonsense. I would love to have you stay with me. Leslie, you can take the guest room, and, Ben, you have to sleep on my couch.'

Chris:Chris on his couch: 'It is literally the comfiest couch you've ever been on.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie and Ben's awkward couch moment: 'This is weird.' 'We're on Chris' couch.' 'Yep, we are.' 'And I'm wearing his clothes.'

Chris:Chris interrupts: 'Sorry, I keep myself very well hydrated, and my bladder is the size of a thimble. I urinate roughly 12 times a night.'

Chris:Chris offers to play Boggle at 11pm: 'Well, now I'm up. You wanna Boggle?'

Mrs. Burkiss · Ron:Lauren's mother arrives furious: 'Okay, what exactly did you teach my daughter?... Lauren was supposed to do a paper on why government matters. This is what she wrote. [reads] It doesn't.' Ron: 'Well said.'

Mrs. Burkiss · Ron:Mrs. Burkiss: 'And you ate her lunch? And you gave her a land mine? Really?' Ron: 'Well, it seemed appropriate at the time.'

April · Ann:April: 'Oh, wow. I didn't realize you were a marriage counselor, Ann.' Then a beat. 'Sorry. My instinct is to be mean to you. I understand.'

Ben:Ben is excited about 'The History of the Ladder': 'O-M-G. Leslie, I read that same article. It's utterly fascinating.'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie shares cave painting ladder fact: '...the original image of a ladder is in a cave in Valencia, Spain, drawn over 10,000 years ago.' Ben: 'Oh, my God. How about some music?'

Andy · April:Andy performing 'The Pit' with Mouse Rat — April's favorite Neutral Milk Hotel song reinterpreted as a Mouse Rat song

Andy:Andy: 'I actually stole it from his office, but whatever. He's a weirdo.'

Andy:Andy's declaration: 'Maybe April doesn't think that we're the greatest band in the world, but, man, she loves me. And I love her. So, you know, who cares. I got the greatest wife in the world! Stop. We're married! We're totally gonna do it later!'

Leslie · Ben:Leslie's confessional: 'I think it's good that Chris showed up, 'cause I wasn't thinking clearly.' Beat. Then Ben arrives with receipts.

Ben · Leslie:Chris's assistant arrives with receipts. 'He's not here. He took off.' Beat: 'Uh-oh.'

Leslie:'Uh-oh.' — the episode's implicit button as Ben and Leslie are alone again

Ron:Ron's epilogue advice to Lauren: 'Keep an open mind for a while. Listen to your teachers and read all the books you can. Then when you're 18, you can drink, gamble and become a libertarian.'

Lauren · Ron:Lauren: 'The drinking age is 21.' Ron: 'I know. Another stupid government rule.'

Ron · Lauren · Mrs. Burkiss:Mrs. Burkiss asks Ron to write a new paper; Ron asks Lauren to autograph the libertarian one