Road Trip

I was thinking about you when I wrote it. 'Cause I was, um... 'Cause I told you I wanted to read it? Yeah. That's a good reason.

All right, 'Lesliemin.' Leslie.

Wow! That was the most sexual tension I have ever seen in a conversation about documents.

[Ben and Leslie's awkward physical positioning and forced enthusiasm]

Right here. Ah... Ah... And go team! Yep.

This is actually the dress that Julia Roberts wore as a prostitute in Pretty Woman. I know. I look really good in it.

Yeah, and I could literally get 'a-fired.'

Why don't you ask him about his penis?

Pawnee Zoo, monkey speaking.

I'm your boss. That's a good one, Ron.

I developed a dope new game show where I ask couples scandalous questions, and they have to guess what the other one answered. I call this Know Ya Boo.

My favorite movie is Love Don't Cost a Thing, with Nick Cannon, which is based on Can't Buy Me Love, which is based on Kramer vs. Kramer or something, which I think was Shakespeare.

Spike, G4, GSN, Fuse, WOW, Boom, Zip, Kablam, Slurp, Slurp Latin, Slurp HD.

Did you go to Johns Hopkins? No.

Jimmy Carter's 'Crisis of Confidence' speech, Learning to Speak Mandarin, 16 minutes of Old Timey Car Horn, and something called Banjo Boogie Bonanza.

It's an amazing instrument, the banjo. Yeah. I didn't realize it could be this loud.

But aren't you here now? No.

and with me as always is my CGI puppy co-host, Bobby the Boo! Hey, everybody!

Um, this is almost too easy. Me!

Who is Jeff Mangum? The guy from Neutral Milk Hotel. Oh! Oh. Neutral Milk Hotel. What is that? That's my favorite band. I've told you that, like, a thousand times.

Booyah! Somebody don't know their boo! That's the sound bite that's gonna play when a fight breaks out.

It's never too early to learn that the government is a greedy piglet that suckles on a taxpayer's teat until they have sore, chapped nipples.

I'm gonna need a different metaphor to give this nine-year-old.

You have mustard in your mustache. Don't sass me, Burkiss. Let's get started.

I snuck an Al Green song in there. I want them to get together. Sue me.

Their bath mats are amazing. It's like stepping on a lamb.

You've got an eyelash on your face. I got it. Make a wish. Learning to speak Mandarin. Unit three. Get away from me. Sorry.

I'm allergic to fingers.

and our seats have extra cushioning due to the massive size of our average citizen.

The raccoon problem is under control. They have their part of the town, and we have ours.

I mean, the people are passionate and kind. They love their city. They take pride in their work. It's a very, very special place.

Back of my Benz? Let's check in with your boo! He said, 'Her Mercedes'! Jerry and Donna on fire.

'Cause their music is sad, and depressing, and weird. And art is supposed to be happy and fun, and everyone knows that.

And that, Lauren, is how taxes work. But that's not fair. You're learning.

Hey, we were thinking about going to dinner, photographer. You want in? You wanna grab some grub?

Come on, photographer. Last chance.

And that, Lauren, is how FDR ruined this country.

You are, and this is not a joke, much smarter than most of the people who work in this building.

This is a Claymore land mine. Use that to protect your property. Thanks, Ron.

You figured out April's trying to trick you. That's worth 100 points.

And the town has really nice blond hair, too, and has read a shocking number of political biographies for a town, which I like.

I'm gonna go see a man about some porcelain, you know what I mean? I'm not buying cocaine. I'm going to the bathroom. The whiz palace, as I like to call it.

Ann, we have a serious code Ben. Well, it's not really code if you say his name.

No, you're supposed to talk me out of this. No. Don't. Stop. Shut up, Ann, I'm doing it anyway. Yay!

There is literally nothing in this world that you cannot do.

Sorry, I keep myself very well hydrated, and my bladder is the size of a thimble. I urinate roughly 12 times a night.

The key to a healthy urethra, radishes. Good, I'm gonna go to bed. Good night. Good night. Well, now I'm up. You wanna Boggle?

And you gave her a land mine? Really? Well, it seemed appropriate at the time. How?

Oh, boy. Okay. Well, Andy just wants you to be proud of him and his music. So, this isn't really about being right. It's more about being supportive. Oh, wow. I didn't realize you were a marriage counselor, Ann.

The pit. Wait a minute. You were in the pit. We all were in the pit.

I actually stole it from his office, but whatever. He's a weirdo.

We're totally gonna do it later! Oh, my God.

The drinking age is 21. I know. Another stupid government rule.